The 5 Sentences That Turn The Tables

0:00 You're sitting in a doctor's office.

0:02 You've been waiting for a minute.

0:03 The door opens,

0:06 [music]

0:05 the doctor walks in, sits down,

0:07 looks at the chart for a second, not at you, and says,

0:12 "It looks like we've been dealing with this for a while

0:14 [music] now." And then the doctor looks up and says,

0:18 "What are we hoping to accomplish today?" Nothing aggressive, kind of standard,

0:23 [music]

0:22 nothing weird really happened, but something moved there in your psychology.

0:29 I want you to catch [music] what it was.

0:31 That first line that the doctor said to you, that is a frame.

0:34 It plants the idea that this this problem is ongoing.

0:38 It also says that that everything is shared.

0:40 It says we, [music] not you.

0:42 So that situation carries weight.

0:44 You didn't agree to any of that stuff,

0:46 but your nervous system filled in all the blanks as truth.

0:51 So then the question the doctor asks,

0:53 "What are we hoping to accomplish today?" That's obviously not a real question.

0:57 It tells you the the scope of what you're allowed to desire, what you can want.

1:02 It already assumes there's a shared goal with a little fence around it.

1:09 [music] So you walk in as this person with a body and a question or two.

1:14 10 seconds later, you are a collaborative patient that was

1:18 working on a team managed problem with very limited objectives.

1:23 So all those moments [music] used the exact same architecture to come together.

1:29 So a statement that sets the [music] frame

1:32 and a question that locks you inside of it.

1:35 We did it for years, hundreds of rooms, thousands [music] of conversations.

1:39 So by the end of tonight, you will see it,

1:41 and you're going to see it everywhere.

1:48 Here's where most people start off when

1:51 they try to take control of a conversation.

1:54 They ask a question.

1:57 [music] It's usually the whole move.

1:59 They walk into a room, a doctor's office, negotiation,

2:02 a meeting with somebody who outranks them, let's say.

2:05 So what are we told by so many leaders and stuff?

2:09 Ask better questions.

2:11 The person asking [music] the questions controls the conversation.

2:13 You've heard that before, probably every sales book out there,

2:17 every leadership seminar, all that kind of communication course kind of stuff.

2:20 [music] And it's absolutely wrong.

2:22 It's it's totally wrong.

2:26 Questions do matter,

2:28 but a question by itself and is [music] what I will call a naked question,

2:33 strip naked question with nothing in front of it.

2:36 It doesn't really control [music] anything.

2:39 So all the naked question does is operate

2:42 [music] inside of whatever frame is already running.

2:46 And in most places, that frame doesn't might not belong to you.

2:50 And if you think about this for 1 second,

2:52 you walk into a doctor's office and say,

2:53 "Can you explain what's going on with my blood work?" Great question, right?

2:58 It's reasonable, it's super clear,

3:01 and it does just about nothing to really change the dynamic.

3:04 You're a patient requesting information from an authority.

3:07 So the frame was set the moment you sat down on that chair,

3:10 and your question is confirmed.

3:12 So you're asking from below.

3:15 It's the same thing in a corporate environment.

3:16 You're in a meeting at some VP, senior person, and you say,

3:21 "You know, what's the priority on this project going forward?

3:24 Or what's what's the deadline here?" Great question,

3:27 but all it does is reinforce that the VP decides the priority,

3:31 and you are the one receiving an answer, right?

3:34 So the question didn't take anything.

3:36 It gave something away.

3:38 Gave away your your frame, your position.

3:41 And if you go somewhere higher stakes, blah blah blah, and you say, you know,

3:45 "What would it take to settle this before we

3:49 go to trial?" So you just showed your hand, right?

3:54 [music]

3:52 That's a naked question.

3:57 All five of these kind of do something different.

4:00 They kind of set someone up for a different [music] type of frame,

4:03 and each one of these kind of makes a category of question possible.

4:09 So the first type is pacing.

4:13 And pacing is the simplest and probably the most powerful.

4:19 So a pacing statement describes what is already observably true.

4:24 That's all it does.

4:25 You're stating a reality as it is.

4:29 It's something the other person can they can see it, they can feel it,

4:32 they probably already know it, or they're absolutely going to agree with it.

4:36 The reason that this is so powerful is is kind of simple [music] here.

4:40 You say something true, the nervous system says, "Yep." Internally,

4:43 there's this little micro agreement that happens below our awareness.

4:48 And once that little yes is running,

4:51 whatever comes next can ride on it, especially if it's a question.

4:55 So an example [music] of this might be a boss coming in and saying, "You know,

4:58 we've we've been going back and forth

5:00 on this for a couple of weeks now." That's pacing, right?

5:04 So you just you call it whatever you want, but it's just true.

5:07 And because it's true, there's nothing to resist.

5:09 [music] The other person's critical faculty has

5:11 no desire to activate or turn on.

5:14 They hear it, they agree internally,

5:16 and whatever comes next is kind of already in agreement mode a little bit.

5:20 And when they realize it's a question, they get forced [music] into the frame.

5:24 Let's do a corporate setting really quick.

5:27 So let's say a boss comes in, or let's say you are walking in talking to people,

5:31 you say, "You know, the team hit every benchmark

5:36 on the last two quarters." And now you've [music] asked,

5:39 "What would need to be true to expand the budget for next quarter?"

5:44 So that question without the pacing

5:46 statement sounds like you're asking for money.

5:49 [music] With the pacing statement, it sounds like the logical next step.

5:52 So the brain kind of grabs onto it a little bit.

5:55 The statement did all the work, the question just walks through the door.

5:59 [music] Type number two is alignment.

6:03 And you're like, "Oh, you know, alignment kind of sounds like pacing." [music]

6:06 It's different because pacing is describing reality.

6:11 Alignment describes a shared intent or a common desired outcome,

6:15 if you want to say it that way.

6:17 You're telling the other person before they've committed to anything

6:21 that both of you are on the same side.

6:23 So what this does neurologically, it collapses that adversarial frame.

6:30 [music] So the moment someone hears, you know,

6:31 "We're trying to solve the same problem."

6:34 Even if they haven't agreed to that yet,

6:36 their nervous system starts orienting, framing into cooperation mode.

6:41 And they [music] didn't decide to.

6:44 The frame told them to do that.

6:47 So like an example is like, [music]

6:48 "I want to make sure we're both getting what we need out of this." Simple,

6:52 calm, does something very specific.

6:54 It makes it almost impossible for the other

6:58 person to be really adversarial without looking stupid.

7:01 Cuz you basically just shared a declared purpose.

7:05 So if they push back, they're pushing pushing back against collaboration.

7:09 And right after that, [music] "What would it look like if we cut one

7:14 initiative to protect the other three?" But with that statement,

7:18 you become a strategic thinker type of person.

7:21 An alignment statement doesn't mean that they agree that we're sharing a fact.

7:25 They'll agree that we have something [music] in common.

7:30 All right.

7:30 So type number three is resonance statements.

7:32 [music] And this is the one probably I

7:35 would assume most people will probably [music] mess up.

7:38 Because it requires you to actually see the other person.

7:43 [music] Like to see what they're carrying into the room

7:44 and name it before that person names it.

7:47 So what we're really doing is reflecting the other person's internal state,

7:53 [music] their priority, their frustration,

7:55 maybe something they're pissed off about, showing that to them.

7:59 And when you do that [music] accurately,

8:01 something happens that you can literally watch.

8:03 Their shoulders are going to drop.

8:05 You can see this.

8:08 [music] Their breathing changes because somebody just told them

8:10 they don't have to fight to be understood,

8:12 because that's what most of us walk into a room hoping.

8:15 So the fight that they were preparing for kind of evaporates a little bit.

8:19 In a corporate world, you might hear something like, "I could be wrong,

8:23 but I think you're frustrated because this is

8:25 the third time the scope of this project has changed,

8:28 and nobody has acknowledged that it cost you something

8:31 every [music] single time." And right after that, "What

8:35 would make this version feel worth committing

8:38 to for you?" So they were ready to fight, right?

8:41 But we take it out of the room by naming what nobody else is going to name.

8:45 Resonance is the most powerful of these five in my opinion.

8:51 The fourth decision type.

8:52 This is concession.

8:54 This one's great, especially if you want to take

8:56 authority [music] and make it sound like you're not,

8:59 but the frame is more powerful than everything.

9:02 So we're basically giving up a little bit of [music] ground.

9:06 We're acknowledging some kind of cost that we had

9:09 to pay or a limitation that [music] we have, maybe a mistake that we made,

9:13 or that we're going through something difficult

9:15 or having a hard time doing something.

9:17 And we're doing it before the other person forces us to.

9:21 That means we're in charge.

9:23 The reason this works so well, I think,

9:26 is because it disarms a counterattack [music]

9:29 before the counterattack can be launched at all.

9:32 So most people that work in super high

9:35 frame environments are always ready for [music] a fight.

9:38 If you think of like the show Suits,

9:40 which is about a lawyer who spends his life posturing

9:46 [music] in full posturing pretend alpha mode.

9:48 But but these people walk around braced.

9:52 They have their objections,

9:53 they have like a full magazine of objections ready to go.

9:57 You say, you know, what would need to be true

10:01 for you to say [music] yes to to me anyway on this?

10:05 So, that's a question that you cannot

10:06 ever ask without that concession first, right?

10:10 It would sound arrogant, super arrogant.

10:12 But after the concession,

10:13 it sounds like the kind of [music] direct thing that gets respect because you

10:17 earned the respect first in like 10 seconds it took you to make that statement.

10:21 So, the concession is never weakness.

10:24 That's the one thing I just want to leave you with on this one.

10:26 It's the thing that [music] kind of earns you

10:28 the right to ask a deep question or a hard question.

10:32 So, concession should always come before hard questions.

10:38 The fifth is presupposition.

10:40 And this is the sharpest tool in the kit and I think it's

10:45 the one that people underestimate cuz it looks like it's doing very little.

10:49 A presupposition statement embeds an assumption as a fact

10:53 by treating it like it's already been established.

10:56 So, the assumption lives inside the language like a foundation under a house.

11:01 You might say, since we're moving forward with the expansion

11:05 even though nobody said we're moving forward just yet.

11:08 Hasn't been decided, but your brain kind of treats

11:11 the sentence as settled depending on the environment.

11:14 The other person might have to stop, back up, and explicitly challenge you.

11:18 And in a corporate world, the presupposition is like, you know,

11:22 now that we've established this team can deliver at this level,

11:26 what is the argument against giving us more runway on the next phase,

11:30 on the next [music] project that we do?

11:32 That's why these questions become so massively powerful [music]

11:36 in setting a frame and controlling the frame and getting outcomes.

11:39 Presupposition does the selling, the question just ask them to argue

11:43 against something [music] that feels already decided.

11:48 Look, I know you don't want to watch another ad.

11:51 I don't blame you, but I have seen this change

11:54 too many lives to just let you scroll past it.

11:56 There's a moment that most people have where something

12:00 feels off in a conversation [music] and we ignore it.

12:04 And it's not because you're wrong,

12:05 but it's just cuz we don't trust what we're seeing.

12:09 [music] And that's where all of this starts.

12:09 NCI level one isn't about learning a bunch [music] of tricks.

12:13 It's about finally understanding what you've

12:16 been noticing your whole life already.

12:19 You start to see behavior a lot more clearly.

12:22 The body language, the emotional shifts,

12:24 the intent [music] that's behind someone's actions.

12:28 So, you don't guess anymore.

12:29 You read what's going on.

12:30 You understand what's going on and you can actually respond with precision.

12:35 Most people ignore what they see.

12:38 This is where you learn to trust it.

12:40 [music] NCI one is a foundational course in behavior

12:43 profiling and the link is right down in the description.

12:47 So, the statement [music] by itself, obviously, not going to do very much.

12:50 It might land, it might not,

12:52 [music] but it doesn't require anything from the other

12:54 person till we get to the question phase.

12:57 [music] The question is what forces participation.

13:00 We're making the other person step [music] inside the frame and act

13:03 like it belongs to them like it has the whole time.

13:06 There again, [music] there's five types here.

13:08 They move faster than the statement because

13:10 once the statement's [music] done the work,

13:12 the question doesn't need to be really complicated.

13:14 Doesn't need to be a complex question.

13:18 So, the first question is directional.

13:21 And a directional question, and I know this sounds like, oh,

13:24 I'm I've got to mix up these two different sets of five,

13:27 which could be, I guess, 25 possible scenarios.

13:30 I promise you'll have a a framework [music]

13:32 for this and even if you screw this up, you're going to learn it in no time.

13:37 It's going to be your go-to technique.

13:39 Okay, so directional question points toward

13:43 [music] a conclusion without stating it.

13:45 So, we're building a little hallway that only goes one

13:48 direction and then asking [music] them to kind of walk.

13:51 What do you think happens to the team if

13:53 we keep running at this pace for another 6 months?

13:56 We don't [music] say the team's going to burn out.

13:58 They arrived at the answer themselves.

14:01 [music] It's their conclusion now, they're going to own it.

14:03 So, you didn't argue anything, you're not you're not [music] pushing anybody,

14:06 you're just pointing and letting their brain do all the rest of the work.

14:10 It's the power of a [music] directional question.

14:12 If you say, if we don't address this in the next quarter,

14:14 where is that going to leave us going into the next fiscal year?

14:19 All right, so type number two is the assumptive question.

14:23 The assumptive question jumps over the decision

14:26 [music] and ask about what comes after it.

14:29 So, the decision itself that I want

14:31 this person to make is never even questioned.

14:33 It's treated as already made.

14:35 So, we might say, when we roll [music] this out next month,

14:38 do you want to start with the East Coast

14:40 team or go like company-wide with all [music] this?

14:43 Or instead of do you want to, uh you ask advice.

14:47 So, like when we roll [music] this out next month,

14:49 do you think it'd be the wisest to do a little bit

14:52 at a time [music] or launch company-wide all the all the fastest?

14:55 I'm just curious cuz I've seen you do a lot of [music]

14:58 interesting stuff that seemed to work out before.

15:00 So, nobody said we're rolling this out.

15:02 Nobody said it's happening next month,

15:03 but the question blew past that stuff and they kind of accepted it.

15:07 That's the the question type that pairs [music]

15:10 probably most naturally with presupposition, right?

15:13 And then this which probably makes sense to everybody.

15:15 The statement installs a little assumption and then

15:17 the assumptive asks them to operate inside of it.

15:23 [music] But number three is elicitation.

15:25 Elicitation is the art of getting information.

15:28 So, that's your seven NLP technique.

15:30 What I I think you misspelled Plato.

15:32 Is the art of getting data from people without

15:35 the other person feeling like they're giving it to you.

15:39 So, most questions feel like extraction, interrogation.

15:41 You know what they do?

15:42 They shine a light on your intent.

15:44 So, if you need to be a little bit more indirect,

15:48 this is what you're going to do.

15:50 So, we [music] don't want to get someone's guard up,

15:52 we don't let them filter, and we don't let them manage what they share.

15:55 We make them less [music] cautious about management.

15:58 Elicitation should feel more like a conversation,

16:00 like thinking out loud together.

16:03 So, it's not that somebody decides

16:05 to hand [music] you something because you asked.

16:06 The question made it feel or the statement made it feel like a natural thing.

16:10 And you might And these sound

16:12 similar to the questions except they're statements.

16:14 You might say, you know, I've been trying to figure out how teams like

16:18 yours [music] usually handle the budgeting on something this massive.

16:22 So, no question mark and that's [music] part of the point.

16:28 So, number four is the reframe, my favorite.

16:31 [music] And the cool thing about number four is it

16:32 it's like a Lego that fits all of the statements.

16:36 So, a reframe question takes [music] a current lens,

16:39 whatever the other person is kind of looking through,

16:42 and then kind of swaps [music] it without announcing it, obviously.

16:44 So, the question itself is the lens change, not statement.

16:49 So, you might say, you know, what if this isn't a budget problem?

16:53 What if it's a sequencing problem?

16:55 And then they're going to be like, what?

16:56 Explain.

16:57 What do you mean?

16:57 Everything up to this point has been about money.

16:59 [music] Everybody in the room is thinking about

17:01 money and in one sentence you can pick up the lens they were all looking through

17:05 and replace it in one little [music] question.

17:08 So, now anyone who keeps talking about a budget

17:09 sounds like they missed the real issue here.

17:12 Or you might say something like, you know,

17:14 what would we be doing differently if we knew this deal was going to close?

17:19 So, that shifts the entire frame.

17:20 And that would be like an internal team.

17:22 Like I'm not going to say that to a client.

17:25 Number five is diagnostic, a diagnostic question.

17:28 And this is kind of like power position.

17:31 And a diagnostic question puts you in the role of the one evaluating.

17:35 This is the most powerful when you need to like slap a frame down

17:39 and not trigger that person's ego at all cuz it's in the form of a question.

17:43 So, the moment you're in that little role,

17:44 the other person's role of being assessed,

17:47 whether they realize it or not, and typically they won't.

17:50 So, you might say to somebody, you know, I'm just curious,

17:53 walk me through how how you arrived at that number.

17:56 And notice how just the phrase I'm just curious allows you to be able

18:00 to say whatever you want even if

18:01 it's [music] to somebody that's an authority figure.

18:04 It positions you as the one who needs to be satisfied.

18:07 And the other person's kind of justifying, explaining,

18:10 and maybe just building a case for you.

18:13 Or you might say, help me understand the thinking behind that that timeline.

18:17 Exact same move.

18:18 Ask him to show their work just like in high school, right?

18:22 And the person showing their work is never ever the one holding the frame.

18:26 The person asking to see the work, that's where the authority sits.

18:30 And you're doing that covertly.

18:34 [music] I want to talk about what happens when this doesn't work really quick.

18:37 Inevitably going to happen.

18:38 So, everything I just showed you does work.

18:41 Trying is the opposite of having.

18:43 So, the moment they can see effort, [music] the game is over.

18:46 And if you're in a relationship or you

18:48 know a narcissist or you work with a narcissist,

18:50 you become the person reaching and they become the person

18:53 like sitting back watching you do all the reaching, right?

18:56 So, here is what you do instead and I guarantee you this will work.

19:00 Step one, you read the miss.

19:04 You read what did I miss [music] a little bit.

19:06 So, before you do anything,

19:08 you need to know what happened cuz not all misses are the same.

19:12 Sometimes it's cuz the other person wasn't listening.

19:14 They're in their own head.

19:15 They're already three moves [music] ahead in their own agenda in their mind.

19:19 So, your statement was technically perfect and absolutely well executed.

19:23 It just showed up in a empty space.

19:26 Nobody was home to really receive it cuz [music] they were in their head,

19:29 which means I have a focus generation problem.

19:33 Right?

19:33 So, the statement was fine.

19:36 [music] The tactic was fine.

19:36 I have a problem generating focus in human beings.

19:39 Sometimes it's not going to land because they

19:42 heard it and maybe they rejected the premise.

19:45 You've tried to pace reality and their version of reality is just way different.

19:49 Uh you You try to talk to a schizophrenic [music] and say, "Dude,

19:52 I promise you they're not sending radio

19:54 signals through the cavity fillings in your teeth.

19:57 It's not real.

19:58 It's not happening." And you're an idiot.

20:01 You're just an idiot who doesn't know.

20:02 You tried an argument, they want to be aligned with you,

20:04 you try to presupposition, maybe they caught it.

20:07 This is a different problem.

20:09 They're not like tuned out or absent in any way at all.

20:11 They're actively [music] holding a different frame and yours just bounced off.

20:16 Step two here, if the thing doesn't work,

20:18 is release [music] the frame to the universe.

20:21 Set it free.

20:22 You don't care about the frame.

20:24 Let it go.

20:24 Whatever the hell you just tried to install, drop it.

20:27 [music] Don't reference it again.

20:29 Don't try to build on top of it.

20:31 It didn't take and going [music] back to it makes you

20:34 look like somebody with a plan that sucks or no skills.

20:38 And this is the hardest [music] part for most people cuz you prepared,

20:41 you had a statement, you had the question loaded up and the instinct,

20:44 I need to salvage [music] the approach.

20:47 And how do I salvage it?

20:48 Everything I planned for.

20:49 The willingness to let go is what keeps you in the game here.

20:53 So, the person [music] who drops it without

20:55 flinching at all and then moves is dangerous

20:59 cuz they showed you that they have more

21:01 than one way in, which brings us step three.

21:03 [music] We shift the class.

21:07 Change it.

21:08 So, we tried one class of statement and it

21:10 didn't land and we try [music] a different one.

21:13 Not a different version of the same thing, a different class of statement.

21:18 So, if you open with pacing and they rejected your version of reality,

21:22 you don't pace harder.

21:24 Think about that really quick.

21:25 Like pacing got rejected and you're like, "No, no,

21:27 no, I'm going to pace hard I'm going to 10x.

21:29 [music] I'm going to 10x this thing." That idea.

21:32 So, instead of that, I move to resonance.

21:35 Name what you see in them instead [music] of describing the situation.

21:39 That's a completely different entry point.

21:41 So, if you try alignment [music] and they didn't want to play on the same team,

21:44 we move to concession.

21:46 This makes sense?

21:48 So, we give ground, acknowledge [music] something that's real

21:50 that does something that alignment can't do against a hostile frame.

21:55 And step four, you would kind of deploy that new player pairing,

21:59 a new statement class,

22:00 a new question type, exact same destination, totally a different door this time.

22:05 And here's the thing I think you're your brains are

22:07 all forgetting right now or not aware of right now.

22:11 Not forgetting.

22:12 Is the second attempt actually has a huge advantage.

22:16 I think the first attempt doesn't have an advantage because now you have data.

22:21 You know what didn't work.

22:22 You know something about how they hold their frame, what they protect,

22:26 what they dismiss, what they're going to try to counter offer.

22:29 So, your first attempt was just a read

22:31 and your second attempt is uh the way more well-informed.

22:34 So, the best operators that I've ever watched in my life,

22:37 they don't land the frame on the first try.

22:40 That's fine.

22:41 They use the first statement the way a boxer uses like a a jab.

22:45 I'm not trying to do a knockout with a jab.

22:47 I'm going to see how the other person moves.

22:49 What do they protect?

22:50 Where are they going to shift their weight?

22:52 What opens up as [clears throat] they're as they're starting to react?

22:55 All right, let me keep this simple.

22:56 You probably don't want to be watching an ad right now,

22:58 but if you stay with me for 1 minute, this could change your entire life.

23:03 It's already changed tens of thousands of people's lives all around the world.

23:07 Most people try to influence by pushing harder, pushing harder.

23:11 They say more, they explain more,

23:13 and it rarely works the way that they want it to.

23:16 This is because influence doesn't happen on the surface.

23:20 Influence happens way underneath that.

23:23 NCI level three is where you learn how behavior

23:26 actually moves and how to guide it without any resistance.

23:30 You start designing outcomes in your life instead of hoping for outcomes.

23:35 You understand how decisions are made and then you learn how to shape them.

23:40 This is where all those things stop [music] feeling random.

23:44 NCI three is the most advanced behavior course in the world,

23:49 I guarantee [music] it.

23:50 I just want you to check it out.

23:52 I put the link right down below in the description.

23:54 So, we have these five things.

23:57 There's not a right way to do each one.

23:59 There's not some like flowchart to where you can select everything.

24:03 Every room that you walk into is going to have

24:04 a frame that was there before you got there.

24:07 [music] Everywhere.

24:07 Sometimes that's positional.

24:08 The doctor holds authority.

24:10 The attorney has [music] leverage.

24:13 That's they specialize in leverage.

24:15 The executive has What does he specialize in?

24:18 Resources.

24:19 Sometimes it's emotional.

24:20 Someone's pissed off, they're scared, they're they're just checked out.

24:25 And maybe there's narrative.

24:26 There's a story that everybody in the room uh

24:28 has agreed to about what the meeting is about,

24:31 what the problem is, who's to blame, who's responsible [music] for it.

24:34 You need to see that frame before you try to replace it.

24:37 And you can see frames.

24:38 We've done so many classes like here's

24:40 the basic types of frames, how to spot them.

24:42 If the frame that exists is built on authority,

24:46 resonance and concession are your pretty much your only way in.

24:50 You're not going to out authority somebody with more authority.

24:54 [music] You've got to go under it.

24:56 Somebody holds some positional power and the room is organized around that.

25:01 So, resonance [music] says, "I see you." Concession says,

25:05 "I'm not here to fight you." Both of those bypass [music]

25:09 the authority frame without uh like challenging it to a fight.

25:13 If the existing frame is adversarial,

25:16 both sides are braced, there's tension in the room,

25:19 nobody should assume you raise the tension,

25:21 alignment has to be your opening move.

25:24 And whoever installs first tends to own the the conversation.

25:29 The second question is, "What do I need the other person to do next?"

25:34 Do not assume that this technique is about the outcome.

25:38 99% of techniques that you will learn,

25:40 if you watch almost every [music] grad school

25:41 except for maybe three or four of them, it's not about achieving an outcome.

25:46 It's what do I need them to do next?

25:48 Cuz if I can always know what what needs to happen next,

25:51 [music] you don't need to close sales anymore,

25:52 you don't need to do anything anymore.

25:54 It's never outcome based.

25:58 So, what do I need them to do in the next 30 [music] seconds?

26:03 That tells you what question type to use.

26:05 And remember, the first one we just talked about statements,

26:07 now we're talking about questions.

26:08 If I need I need them to arrive at a specific conclusion all by themselves,

26:13 I'm going to go directional.

26:15 If I need them to act like a decision's already been made,

26:19 I might go with the assumptive thing.

26:20 If I need information without them knowing,

26:22 I got it I know I have to use elicitation.

26:25 If I need to shift the way they're looking at something,

26:27 I'm going to reframe it.

26:28 And if I need to establish myself as the one evaluating,

26:31 I'm going into the diagnostic part of this.

26:36 [music] So, two questions.

26:37 What frame is already running?

26:38 What do I need them to do next?

26:40 [music] Once you've drilled this a little bit, it takes about 2 seconds.

26:44 And right now it feels like a lot, I'm sure.

26:46 I [music] promise you if you practice this, you're not

26:48 going to get good at it by sitting on your couch,

26:50 printing this [music] out, getting some Scotch tape,

26:53 putting it up on the wall in your office.

26:55 And you did.

26:55 Doctor didn't learn this in med school, I guarantee [music] you.

26:58 This thing built itself through 10,000 patient interaction.

27:02 And then they had the boss.

27:03 "I appreciate [music] how hard everybody here has been kind of stretched

27:07 thin over these past few weeks." That's What kind of statement is that?

27:11 [music] It's a concession, right?

27:11 It gives ground before he's asking for anything.

27:15 It acknowledges some kind of cost.

27:17 It names the difficulty.

27:19 And it does it [music] with enough warmth that it feels generous.

27:23 And then the boss says, "So,

27:24 what is realistic for everybody to for a delivery date on this?" [music]

27:28 What kind of question is that?

27:29 It's a directional question.

27:31 Realistic points in [music] one direction

27:33 towards something conservative and and and manageable,

27:37 something that doesn't [music] sound like

27:39 you ignored what they just acknowledged.

27:41 So, the question has this like built-in gravity.

27:43 It pulls your answer toward what?

27:45 Moderation.

27:47 And it was that [music] fast.

27:48 Concession plus directional.

27:50 And you think of the parent example.

27:52 Let's go back to that when I asked you to feel what that felt like.

27:55 Parent says, [music]

27:57 "The only thing I've ever wanted in my life is what's best for you.

28:00 And I hope you know that." This is a presupposition statement,

28:03 but it's it's a deep one.

28:05 But she's not talking about a business decision or some corporate timeline.

28:09 [music] But the presupposition here is about identity.

28:13 I am the one who loves you.

28:14 I am the one with good intentions and you know that.

28:19 [music] Parent, mom or dad says, "I just want you to help me understand what

28:21 you're thinking here." What kind of question is that?

28:24 Diagnostic.

28:26 It makes you become the one who is evaluated.

28:29 It puts the parent in the evaluator role and you

28:31 in the role of the one who needs to explain.

28:34 And that's just presupposition plus a diagnostic question.

28:37 And that, [music] sadly, maybe beautifully,

28:40 is a combination that some of you have been living inside of for maybe decades.

28:44 Those three examples, doctor, boss, mom, dad,

28:48 none of those people were trying to manipulate you.

28:51 The doctor was being a doctor.

28:53 The boss is managing uh a team.

28:56 The parent was being a loving parent.

28:58 This isn't like they read a [music] playbook.

29:00 And do you think any of them are thinking actively about frame control?

29:04 Why is there still frame control going [music] on?

29:06 Cuz that architecture runs 24 hours a day in every situation

29:10 you will ever be in for the rest of your life.

29:12 [music] Frame control is there.

29:13 It's always there.

29:15 Everywhere.

29:16 Statements set frames.

29:19 Questions lock people inside of them.

29:22 And if you can control that sequence,

29:23 you can control where any conversation goes and what's possible inside of it.

29:27 Authorities are reporting a citywide manhunt [music] underway.

29:36 [music] [music] The world is breathing a fragile song.

29:51 [music] No echoes here.

29:57 On sacred ground.

29:59 [music] A quiet pulse.

30:03 The steady [music] beat.

30:05 The truth we feel in simple heat.

30:11 [music] Bare footsteps on hollowed ground.

30:17 [music] A sacred rhythm we have found.

30:23 [music] [music] The world just breathes and I can feel it.

30:42 [music] A perfect [singing] promise can't conceal it.

30:45 Just [music] shadows leaning on [singing] the light.

30:49 Another beautiful, [music] quiet night.

30:57 [music] [music] The past is [music] gone, but we remain.

31:13 [singing] Washing [music] over all the pain.

31:20 A simple truth.

31:22 A feeling [music] pure.

31:24 A soft connection to endure.

31:31 [music] [music] [music] The world just breathes and I can feel it.

31:50 A perfect promise [music] can't conceal it.

31:54 Just shadows leaning [singing] on the light.

31:59 Another beautiful, [music] quiet night.

32:10 [music] [music] [music] [music] This quiet night.

32:44 [music] What makes it right?

32:53 And the world just breathes.