This Q&A Went Completely Off the Rails | Bertcast # 716

0:00 I've gotten someone pregnant and I've gotten an STD.

0:02 YOU HAD AN STD?

0:07 YOU DID?

0:09 WAIT, WHEN DID YOU HAVE AN STD?

0:13 WAIT, UH I DID YOU DID EVERYONE know that?

0:18 Permission to Party World Tour is in full swing.

0:21 Avoid scalpers or go to birthbirthbirth.com to get your lowest price tickets.

0:30 Like one beer is[ __] crazy.

0:32 I have one beer all the time.

0:34 I understand that, but you're 120 lb.

0:36 One beer kicks your ass.

0:38 No, it doesn't.

0:39 But it you feel it.

0:40 No, not really.

0:42 I enjoy the I enjoy the taste of a garage beer.

0:46 What's the difference between having a glass of beer and a glass of iced tea?

0:50 Hold on.

0:50 Hang on.

0:51 Hang on.

0:51 Stop.

0:52 I see I see zero Hang on.

0:53 I see I see zero calories.

0:55 Now, if you're Now, hang on.

0:55 No, no, no, no, no.

0:56 No, no, no, no.

0:57 No, no, no, no, no, no.

0:58 No, I I I'm going to break.

1:00 The other day I was at dinner and I said, "Ooh,

1:02 I wouldn't mind a root beer." And they said, "We have root beer." And I said,

1:06 "Great, you have diet root beer?" And then I went,

1:07 "No." And I said, "I'm going to pass." Empty calories is empty calories.

1:10 I'm not going to just[ __] go around life licking lollipops and going like,

1:15 "Who knows what's in this?" You know?

1:17 So, if I'm going to have a[ __] if I'm going to have a beer, I'm getting drunk.

1:23 Who ate three candy bars the other day on the bus?

1:29 Just Asking for a friend.

1:32 Stop.

1:33 Stop.

1:33 STOP.

1:33 STOP.

1:34 STOP.

1:34 A FRIEND.

1:36 STOP.

1:36 for a friend.

1:38 Who ate three candy bars on the bus?

1:40 I got to get away from sugar.

1:41 Sugar causes cancer.

1:42 Oh, is it sugar?

1:43 Oh, sugar?

1:43 Sugar causes cancer.

1:44 know what the main ingredient in alcohol is?

1:49 Sugar.

1:48 had a drink in 101 days.

1:51 I just so righteous.

1:52 counting it and I have 81 days left.

1:55 I have 81 days left.

1:57 101 Have we started this?

1:58 At night you're doing 8 100

2:01 I don't know why Stacy.

2:03 I don't know why.

2:04 The doctor said 6 months and I did 6 months

2:06 on my clock and it said it said 182 days.

2:11 Wait, how many days is 6 months?

2:15 Well, 30

2:18 365 days a year divided by two.

2:20 6 is 183.

2:22 Wait.

2:23 Wait.

2:24 Hold on.

2:27 You're getting screwed.

2:29 Yeah, just sit there so I don't have

2:30 to look over here and so people can hear you.

2:32 Wait, do you need to say we bring up Well, I don't know in case

2:35 we bring up Palestine Israel, I want you in here.

2:38 By the way, new joke I wrote it this morning.

2:39 This Alex Cooper Alex Earl drama is just like Israel and Palestine.

2:44 I can't tell who's who.

2:49 I thought that was pretty good.

2:50 It's a great joke.

2:50 It's a great joke.

2:51 Hey guys, the Q&A with the B man and my ladies.

2:56 The Lee Ann.

2:57 Lee Ann and Stacy.

2:58 Stacy does all I've known Stacy for This is just people to keep me honest.

3:04 As as we found sometimes my stories uh lean towards making Bert look good.

3:11 So, if you're going to ask me a question,

3:13 I want to answer honestly but I want to answer truthfully also.

3:17 An important question.

3:18 Christina, how is my angle?

3:22 Stace.

3:24 Christina.

3:23 Beautiful.

3:24 I'm looking at Shocking.

3:28 But I think that's cute though.

3:30 That's in.

3:32 I want to thank today's sponsor.

3:37 Wild Life Polar?

3:39 No.

3:39 Von Zipper.

3:40 Von Zipper.

3:41 If you need sunglasses and you got a big fat face like I do,

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3:46 They're awesome.

3:47 By the way, Von Zipper just sent me sunglasses thanks to uh Tupac Tupac

3:51 for putting this together.

3:53 Um, they just sent me sunglasses and they look awesome.

3:56 I'm not a sunglass I'm not a I'm not

3:57 a sunglass I want to address this real quick.

4:00 It's a very big deal that it's like very

4:02 a lot of my friends wear sunglasses on podcast.

4:05 And I notice it a lot.

4:06 Casey Neistat wears his sunglasses in his YouTube.

4:10 I'm an old school media guy.

4:12 And I I was told when we worked at Travel Channel,

4:16 I put on cuz I was outdoors all the time.

4:19 And I always wanted to wear sunglasses and they're like,

4:21 you look like a[ __][ __] And I was like, no I don't.

4:24 I'm in the sun and they're like, you don't know what you look like.

4:27 You look like a pompous[ __]

4:29 And also you couldn't wear a hat because of the shadow.

4:31 I couldn't wear a hat.

4:32 So I have I'm certain I have skin cancer from Travel Channel on my forehead.

4:36 It's why I wear a hat so much now is to protect myself from skin cancer.

4:39 I wear it everywhere.

4:41 But uh, but and then I and by the way, now I'm sold that I can't really

4:45 operate in sunglasses because darkness really blinds me.

4:49 Mhm.

4:50 Yeah.

4:52 Mhm.

4:51 So it's a Q&A.

4:52 So we got Q&As from Qs from people.

4:54 I'll give the A.

4:56 All right, let's go to the first one.

4:58 We'll just listen to the A.

5:00 You got you you guys will know you guys will keep the A honest.

5:04 Okay.

5:06 Uh, yeah, headphones.

5:08 Oh, you know why you don't have a Charlie?

5:12 Okay, hold on.

5:13 All right, guys.

5:14 First Q from let me guess his name.

5:17 Let me guess his name.

5:19 Hey Bert.

5:20 My name is Tucker.

5:22 Go ahead.

5:24 Hey Bert.

5:26 My name is Michael.

5:27 God damn it.

5:28 I'm 19 years of age.

5:31 Aw.

5:30 And my question to you is what do you think is worse,

5:34 a pregnancy scare or an STD scare?

5:38 Wow.

5:38 Now recently I've gone through an STD scare.

5:41 And in the past I've gone through pregnancy scares.

5:44 Let's just say I don't learn my lesson.

5:46 But I think an STD scare is way worse.

5:49 Shout out, all clean.

5:53 And um I'm not going to name drop, but I want to, but um yeah.

6:00 What do you think is worse?

6:00 And I know uh Free Bird got renewed for a season 2.

6:04 So, if you need a charming, handsome, STD free guy,

6:08 kind of fit, getting there type of guy, I'm right here.

6:13 Thank you.

6:14 I love Michael.

6:15 17 years old he said?

6:18 19.

6:16 19 years old.

6:18 Great question.

6:19 Great question.

6:20 What's scarier, a pregnancy scare or an STD scare?

6:26 I'm I'm answering cuz he asked me.

6:29 I can't do this with[ __] sunglasses.

6:30 I can't see anything.

6:32 Um considering I've gotten someone pregnant and I've gotten an STD.

6:37 YOU HAD AN STD?

6:42 YOU DID?

6:44 WAIT, WHEN DID YOU HAVE AN STD?

6:51 WAIT, I DID YOU DID EVERYONE know that?

6:55 No?

6:56 Okay.

6:57 Why is it so funny?

6:58 I don't find it funny.

7:00 It's funny that you're just finding out right now.

7:04 YOU HAD AN STD?

7:08 WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

7:10 HOLD ON.

7:11 DO YOU KNOW FOR THE WORLD when I got pregnant?

7:16 Oh my god.

7:17 You get tested for STDs.

7:20 That's true.

7:21 DO YOU WANT TO TELL THE STORY OR should I?

7:22 I DON'T WANT TO TELL THE STORY.

7:26 STOP.

7:26 YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE HE WAS SO CONCERNED THAT I did not have an STD because

7:32 he was like all but name calling me if I did have them.

7:35 And when I came back clean, quote clean, in my pregnancy[ __] he was like,

7:40 "Oh, thank god." Like he was going to leave me.

7:43 You had an STD?

7:45 Hold on.

7:45 Stop.

7:46 You knew this.

7:48 No, I don't.

7:49 I knew that you thought that you had one.

7:51 I knew that you thought that you had one.

7:53 You You had an STD?

7:57 Wow.

7:57 Guys, this is the last Q&A we'll be doing.

8:01 This turned out horrifically bad.

8:03 For you.

8:05 No, I

8:06 we have therapy at 4:00 p.m.

8:08 We'll be talking about Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire.

8:12 Next question.

8:12 Next question.

8:13 Wait, no, no, no.

8:14 When did you have this STD and what was it?

8:21 I can't tell you.

8:23 The The like uh um patriarchy that I've I've

8:28 witnessed with this guy talking about women who have STDs.

8:32 You had I've never had an STD.

8:34 I've never suspected that I had an STD,

8:37 and you had one and acted like anybody who got one No.

8:41 was a piece of human garbage.

8:43 never I never said that.

8:44 You didn't say that.

8:46 I didn't say that you said that.

8:47 I said you acted that way.

8:51 No.

8:50 So, what did you have and when?

8:53 I can't believe this.

8:55 I'm sweating.

8:56 Right out of the gate.

8:58 God, Michael 19 getting someone pregnant is way worse.

9:01 You got to spend the rest of your life with a Michael.

9:07 When I when I went to Russia

9:09 Oh.

9:09 and I came back Ew.

9:11 SIR.

9:13 IN RUSSIA?

9:15 YOU HAD A RUSSIAN STD?

9:19 THIS THIS THIS I YOU definitely never told me this.

9:23 A Russian[ __] who smelled like Indian food?

9:26 never told me this.

9:27 Ever.

9:29 You have completely changed who I thought

9:33 I was married to in one podcast episode.

9:37 I am so glad WE HAVE THERAPY.

9:41 THIS IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY ONE ZIPPER.

9:44 WAIT.

9:44 WAIT.

9:45 WAIT.

9:46 STOP.

9:46 STOP.

9:46 STOP.

9:47 STOP.

9:47 AN STD IN RUSSIA?

9:49 STOP.

9:49 NO, SLEEHA.

9:50 STOP.

9:51 UGH.

9:53 HE'S TURNING LITERALLY TURNING PURPLE.

9:56 YES.

9:56 Stop talking.

9:56 You're turning purple.

9:59 Stop talking.

10:00 You're like the worst First 48 interviewer.

10:03 Uh-uh.

10:04 Or not.

10:05 I'm sweating.

10:06 is step aside and they hang themselves their own rope.

10:08 Clearly.

10:10 When I came back my girlfriend had cheated on me.

10:16 And how I found out is I went to the doctors.

10:19 I've told this before.

10:20 Someone's had to have heard this.

10:21 heard this.

10:22 Yes.

10:22 I don't know this.

10:23 to the doctors and I said,

10:25 "I think I got I think I got a bladder

10:27 infection from drinking out of a trough in Switzerland." Cuz that's real.

10:32 What?

10:33 That's what he said.

10:34 That's what he said.

10:35 Drinking out of a trough.

10:36 I'm so confused.

10:37 I went on a hike and I drank out of a trough and like

10:39 a and I cuz we didn't bring me and we shouldn't bring water.

10:42 I drank out of a trough.

10:44 So, I came back and it was burning when I pissed and I was like and he was like,

10:46 "You have the clap." And I went, "No." What's the clap?

10:49 Oh my god.

10:50 I have 100% 100% told you this.

10:53 I 100%

10:54 don't remember this at all.

10:55 I 100% told you this.

10:56 No.

10:57 I don't.

10:57 It's that other girl.

10:58 No.

10:58 I I 100% told you this.

11:03 And whatever I whatever it Yeah.

11:05 Okay.

11:05 It's chlamydia.

11:06 The clap is chlamydia.

11:09 It's not syphilis.

11:10 Wait.

11:10 Why is it called the clap if it's chlamydia?

11:12 no idea.

11:13 I have no idea.

11:14 This is making me so uncomfortable.

11:16 You used to what?

11:17 Back in the old days, they would like clap it out of your weiner.

11:23 What?

11:23 They clap your weiner to get it out?

11:25 Did they clap your weiner?

11:28 No.

11:27 Is that how they got it out?

11:29 Sorry.

11:30 Here you are.

11:31 Is that why they called it the clap?

11:33 clap?

11:33 I have to fact check this, but I I called

11:35 it they used to like clap your wiener and you get

11:37 Hey Siri, tell me he had the clap, too.

11:39 Why is gonorrhea called the clap?

11:46 The name the clap in reference to the disease is recorded as early as the 16th

11:50 century referring to a medieval red-light district

11:53 in Paris translating to the rabbit holes.

11:56 It was so named for the small huts in which prostitutes worked.

12:00 tell me why it's the clap.

12:02 That's my phone.

12:05 Wait.

12:07 Some scholars translate the biblical term What?

12:13 It is stems from or in reference to your rabbit

12:16 holes the French word le clappier which means rabbit hut.

12:23 My mine was what I think I remember

12:25 You had it, too, Blake?

12:27 Yes.

12:27 No, I've never had it.

12:28 No.

12:28 I've What I remember hearing is that historically,

12:31 it was believed that the infection could

12:33 be treated by clapping the penis against

12:35 a hard object such as a table or a book to force out the discharge/ pus.

12:41 hit someone's penis with a book?

12:44 out discharge?

12:45 way, I have that on my ankle, too.

12:46 Did you have discharge?

12:47 Yes.

12:48 You did?

12:49 Yes.

12:49 From your penis?

12:50 Yes.

12:50 Yes.

12:51 This This is awful.

12:52 it sucked.

12:53 It sucked.

12:53 Hang on, it sucked.

12:55 This is horrific.

12:57 Did it burn?

12:58 This I'm not certain we're going to release this episode.

13:01 Did it burn?

13:02 Was it itchy?

13:03 Did it smell bad?

13:04 didn't couldn't smell it.

13:05 to be part of this.

13:06 I don't This is horrible.

13:08 This is Did it get stuck to your panties?

13:10 We don't have Did it get I don't wear underwear,

13:13 but did it get stuck to my panties?

13:15 drip down it?

13:15 Did it drip?

13:16 We've got a lot of calls to get through, guys.

13:18 bubbles?

13:19 Wait, hold on.

13:21 Did you hit your penis with a book?

13:22 I wanted to.

13:24 It was so girl with a book?

13:26 No, I I was

13:27 this girl?

13:27 We're not answering that.

13:29 So, did you have to take medication?

13:30 Uh so, I went to the doctor.

13:32 Jesus[ __] I went to the doctor and I told him I

13:35 think I got a bladder infection from a horse trough in Switzerland.

13:41 And he was like He was like, "No,

13:42 you have the clap." And I was like, "What?" He's like, "You have the clap.

13:45 Trust me." I said, "I haven't had sex with anyone." He goes,

13:48 "Clearly you have." I was with my girlfriend.

13:50 He goes, "Well, she's had sex with other people." And I went,

13:53 "That's not true." And he goes,

13:55 "100%." And I went, "No." And he said to me,

13:58 I remember never forget this statement.

14:00 I know you've probably heard this statement.

14:01 He goes, "Let me ask you a question.

14:03 You go to Yianni's?" I said, "Yeah, it was our bar." He goes,

14:06 "When you walk into Yianni's,

14:07 do you and your penis split up to cover more territory?"

14:11 What?

14:10 And I went, "No, I'm with my my dick all night." And he goes,

14:13 "Then you So, you know where your dick's been.

14:15 And you're not lying to me." And I went,

14:17 "No." And he goes, "Then your girlfriend's lying to you.

14:18 She slept with someone else.

14:20 You're dating a whore." And I went, Your doctor said you're dating a[ __]

14:23 He was I I thought he was a grown-up.

14:25 He was probably 27 years old.

14:27 He was a child.

14:28 He was a doctor at a[ __] at Florida State.

14:30 He was a kid himself going doing his internship or medical whatever it's called.

14:35 And I said, "That's not accurate." He's And I said, "I don't have the clap.

14:38 I drank out of a horse trough

14:40 in Switzerland." And he's You're doubling down on it.

14:43 I did.

14:43 And he goes And I said And he goes He goes,

14:46 "Listen, I'm just going to give you the pills.

14:47 That's what it is.

14:48 It's clap." And I went, "No, I I'm Trust me.

14:50 I've only had sex with two women in my life

14:53 and I've worn condoms with the first one.

14:56 And the second one I And I've only worn not worn condoms a couple times.

14:59 And he goes, "Was it recent?" And I said,

15:01 "Yeah." And he goes, "She had sex with someone else, buddy.

15:05 Trust me." Aw, poor little bird.

15:07 But do you think that that Oh, hang on.

15:09 You have no idea how this destroyed me.

15:12 I might.

15:14 I might have a small one.

15:15 I've lived with you for a long time.

15:16 I can't imagine what your anxiety did.

15:19 He I have just told you that the pills were for your bladder infection.

15:22 You're right.

15:23 You have a bladder infection.

15:24 Here's some pills.

15:25 sex with anybody cuz you'll give them a bladder infection.

15:28 It's a contagious bladder infection.

15:30 Highly contagious.

15:32 I uh Sexually transmitted bladder infection.

15:36 An STBI.

15:40 It's fun we can laugh about it now.

15:42 We can.

15:43 And so I came out clean.

15:46 I just got done with therapy with my wife.

15:49 And it's so funny.

15:50 I wasn't listening for the first 10 minutes.

15:52 And then they realized I wasn't listening.

15:54 So I was yawning.

15:55 And then we went on to have one of the most incredible therapy sessions ever.

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19:00 I said to him, "I want to be tested cuz I

19:02 don't believe you." Cuz you're questioning this chick that I dated.

19:05 And he went, "Okay." He's like, "Trust me, you don't want to be tested.

19:09 You'd rather just get the pills." And I was like I was like, "No,

19:12 I'm I'd rather be tested." And he was like, "Okay,

19:15 take your pants off." And I was took my pants off.

19:18 And he said, "You're not going to like this." And he

19:21 He stuck a thing in your penis?

19:23 Q-tip in my urethra.

19:26 All the way down.

19:28 Down or up?

19:29 In.

19:29 Like in.

19:31 And it was without a doubt the most painful thing.

19:35 I remember at the second he did it,

19:37 I was like, "She's a[ __] She's She[ __] someone.

19:40 This is There's no way that And then And it slowly

19:43 came out that she had been cheating on me throughout the summer.

19:46 And uh And I it devastated me.

19:49 It It was cuz I'd only had sex

19:51 with because I was trying to like not get diseases,

19:56 I was only cuz it's part of my OCD, I was only having sex with two people.

20:01 And I was like And I was like,

20:02 "I'll probably marry this chick." Cuz it's the other person I had sex with.

20:05 And it was unprotected.

20:06 And by the way, I thought I I at one point thought I got her pregnant.

20:10 And I was like I was like, "Well,

20:12 I guess that's how life works." Uh I will say uh at your age

20:18 Are we back to Michael?

20:20 Michael.

20:20 So, Michael's right now Michael's sitting in his car going,

20:23 "Holy[ __] what a great question.

20:26 Got to hit it out of the park.

20:27 I'm calling back next week." Um I would I would

20:33 much rather get someone pregnant than get a venereal disease.

20:37 You would rather get someone pregnant,

20:38 but just a minute ago you said you're stuck with that person for life.

20:42 I know, it was a joke, Lianne.

20:43 Um yeah, but

20:44 But you kind of are.

20:45 Like objectively, if you just randomly with someone

20:48 If you're if you're 17 or 19 and you get someone pregnant

20:52 That changes your life forever.

20:53 That's like herpes.

20:54 You're going to have that for the rest of your life.

20:56 But most STDs are treatable.

20:57 I mean, there are very few that are not treatable.

20:59 So, I think if you had to personally,

21:01 not that anybody asked me, but if I had to choose,

21:04 I would choose an STD cuz then you can get a Q-tip in and you're being honest.

21:07 does it does so much

21:08 takes a lot of medicine and you're done.

21:10 me so It took me so much to get past that.

21:14 And by the way, I think it changed the way and I I

21:16 never had sex with like I never I was never promiscuous because of that.

21:21 And you don't think having a baby

21:23 at that age instead would have changed your life forever?

21:25 Okay, then I answer that one.

21:26 Or was this my Q&A or your Q&A?

21:28 Oh, I'm just I'm keeping you honest.

21:29 That's what you asked me to do.

21:30 I think having a baby at 17 will probably bring you a lot

21:34 more joy than or 19 a lot more joy throughout life than a STD.

21:39 Interesting.

21:39 Yeah.

21:41 Okay.

21:40 I mean if I had had I also would say that it

21:45 I bet a woman would have a different answer than a man.

21:47 I bet so.

21:49 Oh, yeah.

21:49 He's not going to give birth to it.

21:51 Yeah.

21:51 And he's not going to he doesn't he doesn't have to take care of it.

21:53 back and forth here.

21:54 Yeah.

21:54 I would choose an STD cuz it would be treatable.

21:58 Yeah.

21:58 I would too, but I would want to pick the STD.

22:00 Me too.

22:00 I'd like to choose it.

22:01 Which one do you want?

22:02 Not herpes.

22:03 What do you want?

22:04 Not herpes.

22:04 I'd rather have herpes than anything else.

22:07 Why?

22:07 Because at least I'm committed to that person.

22:10 Like I'd rather me and you have herpes cuz then

22:11 I know that you're not going to cheat on me.

22:13 Yeah, but then but what if you get herpes from the girl that cheated on you?

22:17 Oh, I would have been I would have been devastated.

22:20 Yeah.

22:19 So you can't pick when and who you get STD.

22:22 I would have been devastated.

22:22 You're right.

22:23 You're totally right.

22:23 I was I only think of That would have ruined your life.

22:27 Yeah.

22:27 One it wouldn't have ruined my life.

22:29 It wouldn't ruin my life.

22:31 Um I only say that because there was a period my OCD got really

22:35 bad with STDs because anytime I had sex with anyone and wasn't a lot Well,

22:41 let me let me just say everyone I convinced myself there was an STD.

22:46 What?

22:46 Herpes is the most common, right?

22:47 What's the percentage of people that have herpes?

22:49 Cuz there's like It's like one in

22:51 There's lots of different kinds and then there's like Hey Siri.

22:55 What percentage of people in the United States have herpes?

23:01 The mouth one, right?

23:02 One in two have oral herpes.

23:05 Well, Sandra, Oh, a one in eight

23:10 Okay.

23:10 have genital

23:11 How many people are in this room?

23:16 Kyle, um I uh No, it would have been tough to get over.

23:24 I now I know people with herpes and I always there's comics

23:27 that talk about it on stage and I always am like I I

23:31 find it very like powerful that they talk about it on stage cuz

23:33 it's something that I think someone's dealing with the second they get it.

23:37 It's got to be devastating.

23:38 You think you're ruined.

23:40 When you're not, you can find love, you can find whatever you want.

23:44 I remember We have a good friend who uh who met a girl

23:49 and he was about to have sex with her and she said,

23:52 "Just so you know, I have herpes.

23:54 Um you might want to wear a condom." And he was like,

23:55 "I might not want to have sex with you." And she was like,

23:58 "What?" Like real confused.

24:00 And then he came to me and he was like uh

24:05 Oh.

24:04 Uh I'll edit that out, obviously.

24:06 Please, please, please.

24:08 And um and he said, "Am I crazy that I'm like questioning it?" I was like,

24:14 "No, you're not crazy." He was like, "Am I being insensitive?" I was like, "No,

24:18 you're allowed to make that decision." I was like, "It's your life."

24:20 It's your health.

24:21 It's your life, yeah.

24:21 Not everyone has empathy.

24:22 So, I hope that answered your question, Michael.

24:26 You're welcome.

24:27 Michael, I hope you got everything and more.

24:29 you bargained for.

24:30 Do you look at me differently now?

24:33 100%.

24:35 Great.

24:35 Next question.

24:36 Bert, have you ever said the N-word?

24:41 You've How did you know this story and she doesn't?

24:43 I don't know.

24:44 I don't know.

24:45 I don't know, but I definitely knew that story.

24:47 Yeah, I've told that to everyone and I told it to Leanne.

24:50 I'm 100% told it to Leanne when we started dating.

24:53 Don't think so.

24:53 I know I 100% know I did cuz I was

24:56 a little obsessive about making sure everyone knew my history.

24:59 I just remember about the time you told me that you saw you had to get

25:02 in New York City and you couldn't leave

25:03 your genitalia alone because you kept reinspecting yourself and

25:08 We don't need to get into that story.

25:11 Guys, I'm pretty sure I know that story, too.

25:13 Everyone knows that story.

25:14 Everyone knows that story.

25:14 I'm a[ __] lunatic.

25:20 That story I know.

25:22 All right, next question.

25:24 Hey Bert, it's Nate from Simi Valley.

25:27 Real question.

25:28 I know you played ball growing up with Brad Radke and Danny Graves.

25:33 Do you think if you would have stuck with baseball,

25:35 you could have made it to at least the minor leagues?

25:39 Love your stuff.

25:40 Hope you're back.

25:41 Thanks.

25:43 That's a interesting question.

25:47 I want to say yes so badly.

25:50 And I And I But I got to tell you, I I never Let me answer that differently.

26:02 If I was born in 2004, I'd be a major league baseball player.

26:09 Why?

26:08 Because the rules have changed.

26:10 Uh I took batting practice every day uh in high school.

26:16 We took it every day.

26:18 And I got uh 10 pitches for batting practice.

26:21 That was just That's how it worked.

26:22 No one had a private coach.

26:24 No one had We didn't have um uh these ball

26:28 these these leagues that you play like Teddy plays now.

26:31 Well, we played a lot, more than everyone else.

26:34 That's why you have so many great baseball players out

26:35 of Florida is we played in fall and spring and summer.

26:39 We played year-round.

26:40 But still, the coaching has gotten so elite now

26:46 that I know I have friends who are absolutely unathletic,

26:50 who have children who are getting drafted

26:51 in major league Baseball because they've got them into coaching at a young age

26:55 and the fundamentals that they're teaching these kids.

26:57 I mean, I was 18 when they tried to teach me how to hit opposite field.

27:02 18, they're teaching them now at like at like six.

27:06 They're like, you know, you need to learn how to hit to the opposite field.

27:10 Um, I think baseball players in my day were

27:17 far more gifted than the baseball players you're seeing today.

27:21 I I think.

27:21 It was a natural gift and they it's just like a gorgeous swing

27:26 or a[ __] cannon of an arm and that's what got them in the major leagues.

27:30 Just crazy crazy talent.

27:33 Just raw talent.

27:33 And these days I think there is raw talent goes with it,

27:36 but I think there's so many kids that are so that are gifted,

27:40 but their parents have money to throw at it to get them to college,

27:45 to get them to play minor league baseball, to follow their dreams.

27:49 What?

27:50 But then but the pool is bigger.

27:52 I mean, if you're saying that that gets smaller.

27:54 The Well, yeah, the pool's gotten smaller in baseball.

27:58 Baseball was a much bigger sport.

27:59 It's not.

28:00 There are very few inner-city kids that play baseball these days.

28:03 Whereas when I played, you got Darryl Strawberry,

28:06 you had Dwight Gooden, you had Gary Sheffield,

28:09 you had all I knew all of Dwight Gooden's cousins cuz they played against us.

28:14 These days uh baseball's not a sexy sport to the inner city.

28:17 I watched a a doc It's become really expensive now.

28:22 bats are What is Teddy's baseball bats are $400?

28:25 I mean,

28:26 He's What is he, six and eight?

28:27 Yeah, he's eight.

28:28 He's eight.

28:29 He's got a $400 base He's got a couple $400 baseball bats.

28:32 I think that softball softball similar.

28:35 When I was a child to get a baseball glove,

28:37 I was just talking to the kid at Dick's about this.

28:40 A heart heart heart of the heart of the raw uh heart

28:45 of the heart of the hide To pull up Rawlings heart of the hide,

28:50 I think it's called.

28:52 Um when I was a kid,

28:53 your coach had a catalog that for Rawlings heart of the hide.

28:59 Heart of the hide are the best baseball gloves you can get.

29:02 So, at the beginning of the year, you had to go to your coach to say,

29:06 "Hey, I want to get a good baseball glove." They were about 150 bucks back then.

29:09 You had to get your parents to pay 150 bucks to get a high-end baseball glove.

29:13 Now, they're $400, but you didn't get to try it on.

29:17 Mhm.

29:17 You had to They And they only had like three choices.

29:21 Mhm.

29:21 And And I remember That's why I'm so obsessed with Nokona

29:24 because Bobby Bonano got had a Nokona glove that was a kangaroo.

29:30 It was gray.

29:31 And I was like, "Where the[ __] did you get

29:33 that?" I'll never That's how impressed I was with with equipment.

29:38 We all had the same bat, Black Magic.

29:41 Type in Easton Black Magic.

29:43 That was the same bat.

29:44 No one had No one had a different bat.

29:46 Everyone on every single team hit with a Black Magic.

29:50 you share bats?

29:51 Everyone hit with the same bat.

29:53 I was a statistician for my high school baseball team,

29:56 and the team brought the bat, not the not the student.

29:59 It was a bag of bats.

30:00 why I I owned So, this is where I owned a Black Magic,

30:06 Uh-huh.

30:04 but I taped it myself, and I I And we all used me, Brad, Corey.

30:10 Maybe Corey used a different bat, but like we all had We all used the same bat.

30:14 It was a size 33, and we all used the same bat.

30:18 And nowadays, every kid has their own bat.

30:21 I mean, there's just the And it's become more

30:23 of a I think baseball's become more of a rich kid sport.

30:26 It is more elite in that way.

30:29 In that you I mean, soccer, you need a ball and two places to be a goal.

30:34 It's very inexpensive.

30:36 And basketball, you need Yeah.

30:38 you know, flat place and two goals, but baseball

30:41 to say that there is and I paying respect

30:44 to these two humans Danny Graves and and Brad

30:48 Radke and Mark Valdez and and Troy Krasco and all

30:52 the guys I played with that all went pro.

30:55 Everyone I mean I played with so many kids

30:57 that went pro but they were better than me always.

31:00 They were so much mentally better than me.

31:02 Like there was I used to go[ __] with Brad Radke

31:06 I was his catcher and I'd come up and I'd be

31:07 like uh and I I'd be like I'd be nervous

31:12 for him and I'd come up and he was just dead inside.

31:16 He was like where do I go?

31:18 I remember he would be like if I need you you'll be back there right?

31:21 And I was like yeah yeah I'll be behind the plate and he's like cool.

31:23 Well I'll be right here.

31:25 I was like yeah.

31:26 Like he was just cool as a[ __] cucumber.

31:29 Danny Graves every time I watch that guy pitch just[ __] perfect.

31:33 And then then there was guys like me who

31:35 I was not perfect and I didn't try as hard

31:37 as everyone else and I I remember lifting weights

31:39 and they told me to stop and I did.

31:41 Should have never stopped.

31:42 I had[ __] great shoulders.

31:44 But like the last at bat I ever had I wish I had embodied that cuz

31:49 I knew I was getting up for the very last time I would ever play baseball.

31:52 I knew that.

31:53 I knew I wasn't going to go to college and play baseball.

31:55 I knew it.

31:56 I even though I went and tried to walk on and and didn't officially walk on I

32:01 knew that I didn't want to play baseball anymore and I knew it was my very

32:04 last at bat and I[ __] played that last at bat better than I've ever played

32:10 in my entire life and I thought to myself

32:12 I should have played like that my whole life.

32:14 You know and that's why when I talk about this next

32:16 special about maybe this is my last special I think maybe

32:20 I'm saying that out loud so that I think what do

32:22 what do you say if you have one last thing to say?

32:25 Like what that last at bat Scott Papo threw at my head cuz I I grew

32:31 up with him and he just decided to throw at my head and we were laughing.

32:34 Hank just talked to me about this the other day.

32:37 Oh, yeah.

32:38 I was so on top of the ball, there was nothing you were getting past me and I I

32:41 knew it was the very last time I'd ever hit a baseball.

32:44 And I was like, I'm hitting a home run.

32:45 And I didn't.

32:46 I hit a[ __] line drive down left field line all the way to the fence,

32:50 but I did not hit a home run,

32:51 but I played and I was like, I sat on first base and I was like, Jesus Christ.

32:57 I did not play like that.

32:58 You know what's like, not to get too meta about this, but we were talking

33:01 about all these kids who were looking at pitches and they're like,

33:05 you know, 8 years old and they're looking at pitches and they're,

33:07 you know, and their parents were cheering them on, "Good eye, good eye." No.

33:11 Swing as much as you can in life.

33:14 You do not want to be the kid or the guy on his deathbed going,

33:18 "I didn't take enough swings." You want to swing

33:21 for the[ __] fences every time you get up.

33:24 If you're 8 years old,

33:25 if you're listening to this and you and you

33:28 have a chance in Little League baseball nothing.

33:32 That game was not going to change your life.

33:33 Swing as hard as you can at your favorite[ __] pitches.

33:37 Three balls, no strikes, who gives a[ __] Swing.

33:41 I remember that I remember they'd say that three balls,

33:43 no strikes, but keep take this next one.

33:45 And I I was a kid.

33:47 I was 10 years old and I was like I remember

33:50 thinking I bet he's going to throw his best pitch to me.

33:54 Why wouldn't I swing at him throwing a meatball to me?

33:57 He's going to throw a trying to throw a strike.

34:00 He doesn't want to walk me.

34:02 Swing for the[ __] fences.

34:04 But I didn't in my whole baseball and that's

34:06 why and Brad Brad Key did effortlessly and Troy

34:09 and Tony Graves uh uh Danny Graves did

34:12 effortlessly and they I think it's a mental thing,

34:14 but and that's why I do comedy.

34:16 I When the first time I ever did comedy, I sat down I I called my dad.

34:19 And my dad I've sold the story a million times, a lot like the uh clap one.

34:25 Mhm.

34:24 We've all heard it.

34:26 But my dad said uh I you're you're doing a bit right now, right?

34:29 You know you've I've told you this.

34:31 I really don't remember it.

34:32 How do you know?

34:33 I remember I remember the one where you flipped out in New York.

34:36 Yeah, we're going to talk about remember that.

34:38 I don't.

34:40 I I mean, maybe you did, but I don't remember it.

34:43 My dad said to me, um when I was a kid, I said,

34:47 "How come everyone talks about these guys all the There was like three guys.

34:52 They talk about them going pro and no one talks

34:53 about me going pro." My dad very callously was like,

34:56 "Buddy, uh you don't have what they have." I was like,

34:59 "What?" And he's like, "You're just not natural at it.

35:00 Like it's not It's work for you, it's natural for them." He's like,

35:03 "What you want to do in life is find the thing For them, that's baseball.

35:06 Find your thing that's that." And the very first time I did stand-up,

35:09 I called my dad and I was like,

35:11 "Do you remember how Brad had baseball?" And he was like, "Yeah." I go,

35:13 "I have that with comedy." And he was like,

35:14 "Then you got to do it." Like very like

35:17 That's right.

35:17 You have to find your what you're

35:19 good at, not necessarily what you're passionate about.

35:22 They may not be the same thing.

35:24 That's true.

35:24 You know, if you're really good at something,

35:27 you'll be fulfilled by continuing to be really good at something,

35:30 especially if it allows you the opportunity to take

35:32 care of your family in a meaningful way.

35:35 And your passion can become your hobby.

35:36 Your passion can become your hobby.

35:38 Totally.

35:38 Thank you for that question.

35:42 Next question.

35:44 Hey Bert.

35:45 Uh I have a question.

35:47 So, when is Free Bert season 2 coming out?

35:52 Because I'm dying to see it.

35:54 It's[ __] hilarious.

35:57 Thank you.

35:58 January 26th, 2027.

36:02 Or somewhere around there.

36:03 I just guessed.

36:04 I don't know.

36:05 I'm saying it's probably going to come out

36:06 around the same time it did this year.

36:08 I'm guessing.

36:09 probably.

36:09 On a Tuesday.

36:11 Probably.

36:11 Wait, it didn't go out on a Tuesday, did it?

36:12 out on Thursday.

36:13 It'll come out on a Thursday in January, I'm guessing.

36:16 I'm I'm only saying that cuz we're shooting it on the same schedule, roughly.

36:20 And so, we'll we'll shoot it for the same amount of time,

36:22 same amount of episodes,

36:24 same amount of time in post,

36:25 same amount of time for them to do all the work Netflix does.

36:29 And then uh I'm guessing January.

36:31 Yeah, that's that's the plan as far

36:33 as we know unless something changes with production.

36:35 I'm a little bit of creature of habit.

36:37 I've I've tried to do all my specials released around the same time,

36:39 shoot them around the same time.

36:41 I think it I've been very lucky with that.

36:43 I told Mark Norman had a great special this year.

36:46 Uh what was it called?

36:47 It's it's still out.

36:48 It's still I mean it's on Netflix, so it's like going to be out forever.

36:50 But it's a great special and I said you got my lucky day.

36:54 J- March 17th.

36:56 That's my I've had like four specials come out on March 17th.

37:00 I had a special come out March 17th, 2020.

37:03 You want to talk about[ __] luck?

37:05 That's good luck.

37:08 Yep.

37:07 So yeah, thank you for watching.

37:09 I hope this season's as good.

37:10 We're working really hard on it.

37:13 Right now we're in the beginning stages, which you're never confident in.

37:17 Um and uh so I'm I'm nervous,

37:21 but I I'm sure I I we're work- we're busting our ass,

37:24 so hopefully it'll be good.

37:26 It'll be great.

37:27 Hopefully you like it.

37:29 All right, next question.

37:33 Why do you guys keep taking them off?

37:35 I I don't want to wear it.

37:36 You're too loud when you talk in my headset.

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37:39 I don't know how.

37:42 I started working out because I saw my dad

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37:48 He was literally pulled up by my two sisters

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40:02 I'm not a sock fan, but guess who has to wear socks every time he flies.

40:08 Compression socks, me, Bert Kreischer,

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41:54 Hey Bert.

41:55 Uh my name is Maya.

41:57 I'm 23.

41:58 I'm currently enrolled in IT school.

42:00 Um I've been listening to you for about 3 years now.

42:03 You keep keeping me busy with the podcast.

42:06 And um I guess my one question would be,

42:09 what do you think about your female listeners?

42:11 I know, based off of uh what you say in your crowd,

42:15 it's a lot of like older bald men or just men in general.

42:18 So, I just want to know, like,

42:19 is it Does it surprise you that you have female listeners,

42:22 based off of like the analytics and everything?

42:24 Or does it not surprise you because I know

42:27 you said your office is full of women as well.

42:30 Um yeah.

42:31 I guess that's my question.

42:33 I just want to let you know, yeah, you really do inspire me.

42:36 Um and just thank you for everything that you do.

42:39 I should be there in October in Philly.

42:41 Hopefully.

42:42 Um and again, thank you for everything that you do.

42:48 That's what you take away?

42:50 I'm in Philly in October.

42:52 Where am I in Phil- in Philly?

42:56 Phila- delphia?

42:57 No, no.

42:58 Phila- delphia?

42:59 Um I I I You're That's a really great question.

43:04 I don't think I think about female listeners ever.

43:11 I don't think I think that women are listening ever.

43:15 Do you just Do you just think that people are listening?

43:17 I always think I think of two people.

43:20 I think of a dude with a dream

43:22 and a kid who doesn't know what the[ __] he's doing,

43:23 and I both think of them as male.

43:25 I often ask questions based on those guys.

43:28 That's so interesting.

43:29 You only ever address When you talk about your audience,

43:32 you only ever talk about the guys like you.

43:35 I think I think I think about guys be I think I I think

43:42 I list I think of guys that are a little lost all the time.

43:48 That's all I think about.

43:49 Like, I go for the guy listening who wants to be a musician.

43:51 For the guy listening who wants to be

43:53 For the guy that's driving a a forklift right now.

43:57 I very seldomly think of the women.

43:59 I remember there was a a a black woman who came up to me.

44:02 She's like, "I love your podcast." And I said,

44:04 "You do?" And she was like, "Yeah, why?

44:06 Are you saying that cuz I'm a black woman?" I went, "Yeah,

44:08 100%." She was like, "Yeah, I think you're awesome." And I was like,

44:12 "Shut the[ __] up." I'm always blown away that women find

44:16 me interesting at all or will listen to this at all.

44:19 That's so funny because you have two sisters, you have two daughters.

44:24 Obviously, you're married to me,

44:25 and you employ like six or seven women in this office.

44:29 Your manager is a woman.

44:30 Out of like eight people.

44:31 Yeah, out of We have nine I think nine employees now,

44:34 and seven of them are women or six.

44:36 And I'm the seventh.

44:38 Um And you have your Judy, your long-time manager,

44:43 is a woman, and Heidi is on your team.

44:46 talking a lot and you're a woman.

44:47 I don't think my fans are going to want to hear that.

44:48 Um What?

44:49 It's a joke.

44:50 It's a joke.

44:51 Wait, what did you say though?

44:53 You're talking a lot and you're a woman.

44:54 I don't think my fans are going to want to hear that.

44:55 It's just a bunch of guys lifting forklifts.

44:57 The thing about women that I think men don't understand,

45:00 did you just roll your eyes at me?

45:01 No, no, no, no, I didn't.

45:02 Hold on.

45:03 Thank you to Von Zipper.

45:07 I didn't.

45:07 Never mind.

45:08 No, no, no, no, I'm joking.

45:09 I'm doing a bit.

45:10 go ahead.

45:10 No, I'm doing a bit.

45:11 All right.

45:11 I'd like to hear it.

45:12 Thank you.

45:13 Thank you, Stacy.

45:14 I think the thing that men maybe don't understand about

45:17 women who like your content is that uh women Some women,

45:22 I'm one of them, have like dude sense of humor.

45:25 I much prefer a dude sense of humor than

45:29 a lot of uh a lot of girls' sense of humor.

45:31 Not that there's anything wrong with a girl,

45:33 but I just find myself much more dude.

45:35 And I think the women who probably regularly listen to you are similar.

45:39 And

45:40 I have female energy.

45:42 Like I have female energy.

45:44 Like I I find I identify sometimes more with females than I do.

45:48 as female?

45:49 I know, that's what I heard.

45:51 Yeah.

45:51 Hold on.

45:51 Are you guys doing a bit right now?

45:53 Is this a[ __] morning show?

45:54 What?

45:54 Are you the only one that can be funny?

45:56 Is that what we're saying?

45:57 Is this is a monopoly on on who can

45:59 When you talk about not having empathy and your a narcissist.

46:02 Is that your female energy?

46:07 Those are secrets.

46:10 No, that's why he doesn't think of anybody except for being male.

46:13 It's because of the lack of empathy and narcissism.

46:16 I can only empathize with your male fans.

46:19 No, I No.

46:20 You don't even know women are in the world except for the all of them

46:23 that you employ and your daughters and your You so are such a walking dichotomy.

46:29 What's a mean?

46:30 You are a dichotomy?

46:32 You are a uh A conundrum?

46:35 A conundrum.

46:36 Because you you talk and speak so bro and so patriarchy

46:40 and you could not do anything without all of these women.

46:45 That's accurate.

46:45 Your tour manager's a woman.

46:46 This is What do we do?

46:49 You could not do anything without these women.

46:50 So and it's so funny that you don't think about them.

46:53 You think about a bro that's lost or or something like that.

46:57 guys in in certain places in my life when I was looking

47:00 for either entertainment or like or guidance or like I don't know.

47:05 That's I don't think I don't think of like When I write a joke,

47:09 I don't think of gender per se.

47:11 Exactly.

47:11 That was my point in the beginning is you just think that people are listening.

47:15 But I have always said and she has to know this.

47:17 I always said if you're the dude, I always think of dudes.

47:22 Yeah, every time you talk about your fans, you you get you assign them a gender.

47:26 I do.

47:27 Mhm.

47:27 A he him.

47:28 A he him.

47:29 I should So, okay.

47:30 They should not be they them.

47:31 I'm going to be they them for now on.

47:34 If you're a they listening to this Why not you y'all?

47:37 You y'all?

47:38 You you y'all.

47:40 Hey you y'all.

47:41 Yeah, you're a hee haw.

47:44 I think you y'all is good.

47:46 You y'all.

47:47 If you're a you y'all listen to this.

47:51 It's funny I I don't have Maybe I don't have

47:54 enough women on I I women on the podcast, right?

47:57 Yeah, I mean you do.

47:59 to time.

47:59 bet if we did a It's probably 50/50.

48:02 Uh, no, definitely not.

48:04 It's definitely not 50/50.

48:05 But you know what's really interesting is when you go

48:07 into my studio that's all pink and velvet and stuff.

48:10 Yeah, you never have dudes on.

48:12 And And that's not fair.

48:13 I don't have dudes on as much as I'm happy to have men on.

48:15 I mean 50% of my audience is male.

48:18 What?

48:18 Yes.

48:19 Yeah.

48:20 Accurate.

48:20 50% of my audience is male.

48:21 Not is more than 50%.

48:23 70% I think it's pretty close.

48:25 No, mine's 50/50.

48:26 Mine is too.

48:26 But your energy when you walk in that room is different than it is in here.

48:30 What are you talking about?

48:32 You mean the fact that you cover your body entirely with pillows?

48:35 You mean that right off the bat?

48:38 This is I thought on paper this seems so much more fun.

48:41 That you sit

48:41 On paper I thought I'm having a great time.

48:44 you're whole time like this your nana hands the whole

48:48 Nana hands.

48:48 You have nana hands.

48:51 We're sharing way too many secrets on these on these.

48:53 This is going to be called a secret time Q&A.

48:56 Oh, okay.

48:58 Uh, I don't even know what the[ __] question was.

48:59 Well, I think that's why women Female

49:01 Females tune in is because they have a kind of a bro sense of humor.

49:05 I have a bro sense of humor.

49:06 I think if you have a big brother I'm a fun guy to listen to.

49:09 100% and I love my husband and I I love guys.

49:13 I just think guys are really fun and cool.

49:16 Yeah.

49:17 So

49:16 Guys rock.

49:17 Girls rock.

49:18 Yeah, they both do.

49:20 Girls rock.

49:20 The day I realized girls rock,

49:22 I can tell you the day I realized I how much I appreciated women.

49:27 This is going to sound really silly to you.

49:30 It was when we were in the car with Daisy.

49:32 Oh, that you were that old when you started appreciating women?

49:37 What?

49:36 That was like 2 years ago.

49:38 What are you talking about?

49:39 Are you going to tell the story about the dog?

49:42 You grew up with two sisters.

49:44 No, hold on.

49:44 That's not No, hold on.

49:46 That's when you fell in love at that moment I had an epiphany where I was like

49:50 I was like there's very little difference between guys and girls.

49:55 The ball like I knew having sisters,

49:58 I knew how you know everyone knows how funny my sisters are.

50:02 Yes.

50:02 And you know that I know how funny you are and obviously

50:04 I've done six specials talking about how funny my children are.

50:09 Mhm.

50:08 But at that moment it was an epiphany where I

50:11 was like oh there is zero difference between girls and boys.

50:15 They They're This is the silliest conversation I've

50:19 ever been in and I can enjoy it

50:20 and be I can be a part of it and I don't have to be the dad.

50:24 I I don't have to be the guy in this.

50:26 I'm just in the car.

50:27 That moment was I really enjoyed that moment.

50:31 With Daisy.

50:32 Oh god, that mean Daisy Grace has made me giggle so often in life.

50:38 I mean just I mean Do you remember when

50:40 we were when we were planning arrowheads all around

50:43 the the lake house and then Isla put one

50:46 in her pillow and she was like in my pillow?

50:49 No.

50:50 Hold on, someone's putting these there.

50:52 Haha.

50:52 Haha.

50:52 Haha.

50:52 Haha.

50:52 Haha.

50:52 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:53 Haha.

50:54 She's the best.

50:54 Uh I miss Daisy.

50:57 So I'll start trying to focus more on you y'all and they them

51:00 and say like right now there's someone listening to this podcast who's knitting.

51:04 I doubt it.

51:06 Knitting?

51:07 Or going through their period.

51:09 Going through Going through it.

51:11 Like swimming?

51:12 Like this?

51:14 Right now there's someone in the midst of a period

51:17 bleeding like crazy just bleeding into their carpet.

51:22 In their carpet?

51:24 On a Right now there's a one there's someone whose socks are

51:27 filled with blood from pouring blood out of their they them's vagina.

51:35 How can you be this dumb after you

51:37 raised two daughters that have periods all the time?

51:39 How?

51:40 I the when a period shows up it's like a shark just get out of the water.

51:44 You just move out.

51:45 It's I Oh I'm going on the road.

51:47 Yeah, it was the period period was rough.

51:50 Isla's[ __] Isla's period was not enjoyable.

51:57 What?

51:58 You know that's true.

51:59 I'm not sure how I'm not sure what you mean by that.

52:03 She was She would She got had rough periods.

52:06 Yeah, whatever the thing is that makes you uncomfortable.

52:09 Her period was awful.

52:10 It was so heavy.

52:12 The carpet.

52:13 It was all over the carpet.

52:14 It was everywhere.

52:14 Bleeding everywhere.

52:16 having problems with the ceiling in in our kitchen.

52:22 Her period was so rough.

52:24 Poor Isla.

52:25 Blood in the kitchen.

52:26 Blood in the kitchen.

52:27 It was like The Shining.

52:28 Do you remember when it came out?

52:30 actual period but the the[ __] surrounding the period.

52:33 You mean her attitude?

52:34 Her attitude, yeah.

52:35 Well, Georgia would cry like 2 days before every time and I'd go,

52:38 I think it's your period.

52:40 She was always so emotional.

52:42 And I

52:43 You handled that so well, too.

52:45 Uh What's our next question?

52:46 I will start paying more attention to women in my podcast

52:49 and I apologize or I'll just keep doing the same thing.

52:51 You seem to enjoy it.

52:52 did She The question was,

52:54 what do you think about the female listeners of your podcast?

52:57 I Oh, I often don't.

52:59 said, I don't.

53:00 I don't.

53:00 But are you Are you glad that they are supported by women?

53:04 She said, what do you think about?

53:06 And you said, I don't.

53:07 Oh, I don't is not an answer to about.

53:11 Do you love your female listeners?

53:12 Yes.

53:13 Yes, very much.

53:14 There you go.

53:14 Very much.

53:17 Answer.

53:16 love my female listeners much like I do like uh hummingbird outside

53:21 my house that I wasn't thinking about but then when I see it,

53:24 I go, oh, how[ __] cool is that?

53:26 I wonder how many other houses they go to but I'm so cool they're at my house.

53:30 That's a great analogy.

53:32 Or or and I wonder if there are other hummingbirds out there.

53:35 I hope there's more hummingbirds.

53:37 Aw, I bet they're hummingbirds.

53:39 But what I'm not going going do

53:40 They're hummingbirds.

53:42 Aw, the ladies.

53:43 are your humming birds.

53:45 We need a t-shirt.

53:50 You invited us, buddy.

53:51 You invited us.

53:53 All I'm going to get All I'm going to get is the note, "Hey Bert,

53:55 less guests and more Q&A's." And it's going to be the most

54:00 intrusive questions ever that they know I can't keep secrets from.

54:05 And they'll be like, "This guy is like a[ __] sieve."

54:09 A sieve?

54:10 A sieve?

54:10 A sieve?

54:11 Isn't that what it's called?

54:12 Yeah, that's the right word.

54:13 It's just a weird word.

54:13 What did you think?

54:15 I wouldn't use that as an analogy.

54:17 All right, we're going in.

54:18 Next question.

54:22 Oh, what's the October 9th date?

54:23 Yes.

54:24 I'll tell you what, do me a favor.

54:27 What What was her name?

54:28 Do we have her number?

54:29 Maya, yeah.

54:29 We have her number, Maya.

54:30 I got I'll tell you what, for anyone who calls in and leaves a question

54:37 that you answer on the air that I answer on the air

54:39 Thank you for the disclaimer.

54:42 I got tickets for you.

54:43 If you uh come in with a good question, I got tickets for your show.

54:46 So, Maya, Philadelphia, October 9th at The Met.

54:50 And Michael, next time you're over where he is.

54:52 I don't

54:53 Michael, buddy, I want to give you a hug.

54:55 And then And then uh Pedro.

54:59 Pedro.

54:59 that was his name.

55:00 I feel like the headsets make me talk louder.

55:03 No.

55:05 Nate.

55:06 And Nate, I got tickets for you.

55:07 Uh he's in California.

55:09 Those dates are coming up close.

55:11 We're in Funnier, California uh coming up at the end of May.

55:14 So, I think he's in California.

55:16 I don't know why.

55:17 Simi Valley.

55:18 So Oh, Simi Valley, he may want to go to the He's in LA.

55:21 Why don't you come to the Greek and I'll and I'll yeah,

55:23 I'd love to have you at the Greek.

55:25 Remember, when you see me backstage,

55:26 I want to I want to I want to give you backstage passes so I can say hi to you.

55:30 Wow.

55:30 Yeah, I'll buy I I feel like we've connected.

55:33 And uh but you got to remind me what question you asked.

55:38 Life happens fast, too fast.

55:42 I I I have so many friends going through tough times.

55:47 My buddy Jeff Ross just started dealing with is at the end of it.

55:51 He's He's through it.

55:52 He talked about it in in his new special, Take the Banana for a Ride,

55:55 but uh is dealing with colon cancer and I I

55:57 just feel like it's showing up everywhere in my life.

56:00 And it reminds me every time I hear about something about

56:03 that just how precious life is and how you will leave people behind.

56:08 Life insurance is so important,

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57:05 All right, let's do the next caller.

57:08 What's up, Bert?

57:08 This is Cody.

57:10 I'm a big fan.

57:12 Um first off, I just wanted to say I'm really looking forward to the 5K.

57:19 Uh this will be my second 5K and I'm doing with you guys.

57:22 I'm really stoked for that.

57:24 I've been training really hard for that.

57:27 Um yeah.

57:30 Um hopefully my question doesn't sound too ridiculous for you,

57:34 but I guess uh out of all the guests you've had on the show,

57:40 who's your top five of all the guests you've had on the show?

57:45 Side note, I just wanted to tell you how much I just I

57:48 love it when you talk about what a brotherhood in the comedy community is

57:54 because I'm working in myself working in the entertainment industry as a uh

58:01 as the guy that sets up the stage production or one of the crew guys,

58:08 uh I really resonate with the with that.

58:11 Anyways, have a good one, Bert.

58:13 Thank you.

58:14 Later, brother.

58:14 Thank you.

58:15 Later, brother.

58:16 Um yeah, I love that comedy is like a brotherhood

58:18 and I love that and and and and sisterhood,

58:20 meaning like Whitney and I are very very close.

58:23 B- because we

58:24 And Nikki.

58:25 I almost texted Nikki that Alex uh Earl joke.

58:29 Mhm.

58:28 Alex Cooper Alex Earl joke today because I I they're

58:33 like sisters to me a little and and I guess yeah,

58:36 I guess that the guys are like brothers Miss Pat.

58:39 Rosebud.

58:39 I mean, I I it's a it's it's a really

58:43 it's a crazy thing because we got into a a shared

58:46 um business with and I can say that about them because

58:50 we all got into it when it wasn't getting you famous.

58:52 It was like we just wanted to be comics.

58:54 Like I'm not saying that you know,

58:55 people getting into it now see like an out plan or they see like a a goal.

59:00 But it was less of a goal when Nikki Glaser

59:02 and Rosebud and and Nikki and Whitney got into it.

59:05 It was like more of like a we're weird and we like

59:08 this thing that doesn't pay a ton of money, but we like it.

59:12 And uh Rosebud has a memoir coming out in June.

59:17 She talks about that.

59:18 It's really good.

59:21 Really?

59:20 Yeah, I I loved it.

59:21 I read it.

59:22 Uh she's coming on my podcast in a week or so to talk about it.

59:25 I love her.

59:26 I love her as a mom.

59:28 I love her.

59:29 Her momming is my favorite[ __] in the world.

59:32 She's the best.

59:33 She You can tell she grew up

59:34 with little sisters because she's got fun mom energy.

59:38 The But I And I love that with the guys.

59:41 I love that it's a weird shared brotherhood that they're

59:45 We don't need to say much to each other and we

59:46 can just hang out and we can gossip about the weird[

59:49 __] and we all kind of have the similar takes.

59:52 Um I love that.

59:54 What was his question?

59:55 Five guests on the pod.

59:56 because I know that this one is definitely making it to the top five.

59:59 So, the other four.

1:00:00 I'm I'm I'm concerned that this will outshine other podcasts.

1:00:05 Uh I'm hopefully Hopefully people see the guests and they'll be like, "Pass."

1:00:10 Aw.

1:00:12 Um top five guests.

1:00:12 I think that's a great question to ask everyone.

1:00:14 I wish Wish we still had Halston cuz uh

1:00:17 I He was so good at like my favorite podcast.

1:00:22 history Um I I I I had a period when I really This is going to sound shitty.

1:00:29 But when I was trying to build this podcast,

1:00:31 I had a period where I was like so dialed in and Halston kept saying like,

1:00:36 "God dammit, that was one of the best podcasts you've ever done." Mhm.

1:00:42 Um I did one with Bill Burr back when I I was doing it.

1:00:44 I don't think Halston was there.

1:00:45 It was just me and Bill.

1:00:47 And Bill walked out and he went,

1:00:50 "That was an amazing" Like he was really confused.

1:00:52 Not not like But he was like, "That was an amazing podcast." And I was like,

1:00:57 "Yeah, it was fun." And he was like, "No.

1:00:59 That was really fun." And I went, "Yeah, that was." And I think I saw the power

1:01:03 in the podcasting after he said that to me.

1:01:05 He was like, "Dude, I haven't laughed like that a long

1:01:07 time." It's the hardest I've seen Bill Burr laugh.

1:01:10 And I've I've been around him and enough to know his laugh.

1:01:14 He told a story about how sick his family's laugh was.

1:01:18 And then it was about a story about a guy.

1:01:20 Can you see if you can find that clip?

1:01:22 I would I'm curious if it's as funny as I remember.

1:01:26 Uh

1:01:25 About a guy See if you can find it so we can play it up here for you guys.

1:01:29 About a guy falling out of a plane.

1:01:31 I don't know.

1:01:33 Oh.

1:01:33 That one That's one of my favorite podcasts.

1:01:35 Um the one I did with Joey and Tom, the early ones.

1:01:38 I already did the ones.

1:01:39 it's cast to be sorted we did.

1:01:40 We're putting those back out.

1:01:42 Joey and Tom and my dad That one we just put out.

1:01:45 That was the first one.

1:01:48 Yeah.

1:01:48 We just put it back out.

1:01:49 Where is it?

1:01:50 It's on YouTube.

1:01:51 YouTube.

1:01:51 Scoot over you What?

1:01:55 All right, you have to listen.

1:01:56 You have to listen.

1:01:57 Bert cast short.

1:01:58 It's 5 minutes.

1:01:59 We're never going to be able to listen to it.

1:02:00 Remember the thing that the way this guy described this

1:02:03 Okay, go back.

1:02:04 Go back.

1:02:04 Go back.

1:02:05 Go back.

1:02:05 Go back.

1:02:05 There we go, right there.

1:02:06 death grip

1:02:07 Go back.

1:02:07 You know, like I remember hearing this hilarious

1:02:09 I remember this conversation.

1:02:10 Uh his he words I was still a[ __] headache at the end of it and I was uh

1:02:16 This

1:02:15 like 2 days afterwards I was still I was locked.

1:02:19 You ever hear like when they

1:02:20 Get lost.

1:02:20 So, this is Bill talking about um about after the Philly set.

1:02:26 You know the Philly set where he's like I got 7 minutes left with you guys

1:02:29 and he just destroys Philly and he goes

1:02:32 I he said after that, I'm paraphrasing obviously,

1:02:34 you can listen to this uh the whole thing.

1:02:37 But he said I was kind of like uh a little locked

1:02:40 in like I I had I had like I had a death grip.

1:02:41 Like I was nervous that my new thing would be people just heckling me.

1:02:44 So, he And this is a story about a story

1:02:47 he heard that made him laugh that's the saddest,

1:02:50 but it's the funniest.

1:02:52 Keep Just hit play.

1:02:54 He he had a he had a a death grip.

1:02:57 Yeah.

1:02:56 You know, like I remember hearing this hilarious story.

1:02:59 Remember watching this with my mother and we were

1:03:01 laughing our asses off the way this guy described this.

1:03:05 This[ __] These two guys are flying like a Cessna and they hear

1:03:08 this rattle in the back and it's the[ __] door in the back.

1:03:12 One of those old school doors that you you like

1:03:14 this you open it and the stairs are also on the door.

1:03:17 Remember those?

1:03:18 They

1:03:18 flip down.

1:03:19 So, he went to go shut it.

1:03:21 The[ __] thing flew open.

1:03:25 So, the pilot's up there like, "Oh my god,

1:03:27 my friend just got sucked out of the plane."

1:03:30 And then he's also thinking He's thinking,

1:03:34 "How am I going to land this[ __] thing?" Because the door hangs down lower.

1:03:38 I think it hangs down lower than than the wheels.

1:03:43 Yeah.

1:03:42 So, long story short, he[ __] lands the damn thing.

1:03:48 And he's wiping tears away.

1:03:50 And he[ __] gets to the back stairs.

1:03:53 And there's his buddy.

1:03:55 Feet still in the plane.

1:03:56 Head down at the bottom of the stairs.

1:03:59 Holding on to the[ __] the banister thing.

1:04:04 And he's talking to him and the guy's not saying[ __] So,

1:04:07 he had he had to STEP OVER HIM.

1:04:11 AND THE[ __] PARAMEDICS got there.

1:04:14 And they had to talk to him for 20 minutes.

1:04:17 CUZ HE HAD A DEATH GRIP.

1:04:20 It's just like your body overrides whatever

1:04:23 that is that makes your muscles The last

1:04:27 grip it has don't let go,[ __] And like he was there for like 45 minutes.

1:04:33 My mother we were crying.

1:04:35 They didn't they didn't tell it as as colorful as I did.

1:04:38 All This is how funny my family is.

1:04:40 All they just said was, "Yeah, it took us a half hour to uh get him to let

1:04:44 go of the stairs cuz he had what's known as a death grip.

1:04:47 And we just[ __] You just saw the whole thing

1:04:50 just roaring You saw the pilot standing there like, "Jerry?

1:04:53 Jerry, it's okay now.

1:04:55 Jerry." And him just[ __] still mentally at 30,000 ft or whatever.

1:04:59 I guess he couldn't be that high.

1:05:00 He wouldn't be able to breathe.

1:05:01 But So, so anyways, I had like mental version like I was walking around New York

1:05:10 and I was looking at people and just thinking insults and I said I'm not joking.

1:05:13 It took me like That's one of my favorite episodes.

1:05:18 Red Clay Strays one of my favorite episodes.

1:05:20 Marcus King falling off the wagon one of my favorite episodes.

1:05:24 Uh Uh Joey and Tom and my dad one of the my favorite episodes.

1:05:30 What about What about people that you talk to that you're like your heroes?

1:05:35 Um Jeff Foxworthy one of my favorite episodes.

1:05:38 It's a great episode.

1:05:40 Such a great episode.

1:05:40 That's one of my favorites.

1:05:42 Um What are some of your episodes that you've enjoyed that you've

1:05:46 I did Jeff Foxworthy one was really really good.

1:05:48 God, I just cried listening to that again.

1:05:51 How[ __] beautiful is Can I just take a minute to to celebrate the thing that we

1:05:56 all love cuz if you're listening to this right

1:05:57 now you are a real podcast listener.

1:06:00 How[ __] great is it when you get a moment like that in a podcast that just

1:06:03 makes you laugh and you just pull out

1:06:06 of life and you're and you are crying laughing.

1:06:09 The hardest I've ever laughed on this podcast to this day is

1:06:13 it was me and Halston and this guy uh I forget his name.

1:06:18 Oh[ __] I wish I could remember his name.

1:06:21 And he's he was giving me advice on how to how to uh time hack your life.

1:06:28 Uh you know like optimize things.

1:06:31 And he said, "But what you got to do is go to the very last text in your phone.

1:06:34 The very last text.

1:06:35 Scroll all the way down.

1:06:36 Who is it?" And I go, "It's uh Bill something." I go, "Oh,

1:06:38 it's the guy sold me my gun." And he goes, "Go to that and uh and text him.

1:06:45 Keep him in the flow." And then he you know, text him.

1:06:48 And so And what's interesting is I'd been thinking about that guy.

1:06:51 So I go, "Hey Bill, it's Bert.

1:06:52 I've been thinking about you." And then I was like,

1:06:54 "I probably don't want to send that." Talked

1:06:57 to the guy in 5 years and I'm like, "Yeah,

1:06:59 I've been thinking about you." And I

1:07:01 proceeded to laugh the hardest I've ever laughed

1:07:06 at on a podcast and the guy I was

1:07:08 talking to could not figure out what was funny.

1:07:11 And it was just me at the idea that I was like I said I'm thinking about you.

1:07:17 Yeah.

1:07:17 Oh, that's the

1:07:18 Rob Lowe was made quite a stir when he came over here.

1:07:21 Oh, yeah.

1:07:22 That was That was a good one.

1:07:24 Rob Lowe

1:07:24 You know what I really liked when I sat in with you with Brian Austin Green.

1:07:27 He was a really great guy.

1:07:28 He was a great.

1:07:30 Good.

1:07:30 He was so great.

1:07:31 It was a good episode.

1:07:33 Um Rick Springfield I agree.

1:07:35 Um

1:07:37 Gene Simmons was a good one.

1:07:40 Todd Glass Todd Glass Todd Glass

1:07:42 That's your favorite episode.

1:07:43 Todd Glass when you did a campfire I think we got I You know what I could do?

1:07:46 I could break my sobriety with getting high with Todd Glass.

1:07:49 Do a podcast with Todd Glass and get high again.

1:07:52 It's the hardest I've ever He is so brilliant.

1:07:57 Yes.

1:07:57 He is so brilliant.

1:07:58 He is so brilliant.

1:07:59 He's a national treasure.

1:08:01 He should be.

1:08:01 I love him.

1:08:03 Yes.

1:08:03 So much.

1:08:04 He when he When he changed the lighting

1:08:06 Holston was so not wanting to change the lighting.

1:08:10 No, he wasn't.

1:08:11 And I we changed the lighting and put a candle out.

1:08:14 Oh my god, that's the that he That's such a great episode.

1:08:18 He's so funny.

1:08:18 He's such a great human being, too.

1:08:21 Really good.

1:08:21 Yeah, I've I've been really lucky to do this podcast.

1:08:23 It's the reason I'll never end this podcast.

1:08:25 You know, obviously we changed the way the podcast is put out.

1:08:28 I I don't think anyone's upset.

1:08:29 I I think I don't think so, either, because you've remained consistent.

1:08:32 Yeah, I know people were upset when we did

1:08:34 that with Two Bears and we brought it back.

1:08:35 We did Two Bears is now every other week.

1:08:38 It'll be that way.

1:08:38 It'll maintain that way.

1:08:40 You know, it's just we're very We have really busy schedules,

1:08:43 but uh this podcast has given me so much joy.

1:08:45 I had Zach Topol on the other day and I've never I've I have I I think I did one

1:08:53 of the best jobs I've ever done in interviewing someone

1:08:55 cuz I did a great deal of research on him.

1:08:57 I knew how old his older sister was.

1:09:00 And he was like, "Wow, you did your research." And I was like,

1:09:02 "It's kind of easy." But he's doing a lot of research

1:09:05 lately and then surprising your guests with your dropping that knowledge.

1:09:08 Yeah, I try to do as much research as I can now.

1:09:10 That's and I think that's the beauty of spacing these podcasts out is

1:09:14 I get to have people on that I really want to talk to.

1:09:16 And you have time to really prep.

1:09:18 I have a question.

1:09:19 Shoot.

1:09:20 What's your top five dream guests you've not yet had?

1:09:23 Uh would uh George Bush Jr.

1:09:26 or George Bush Jr.

1:09:28 G Dub.

1:09:29 I want G Dub on.

1:09:30 Oh, that would be fun.

1:09:31 Dub on so bad.

1:09:32 Tiger Woods uh without a doubt.

1:09:35 So, you're writing this down?

1:09:37 Uh I would like to have um I would You know who I I'd like to have on I've

1:09:42 always wanted to have on and now I think

1:09:44 I might be able to have on is John Daly.

1:09:47 Oh, you could totally have John Daly on.

1:09:49 could totally I want to have him on when I'm drinking.

1:09:51 I definitely want to drink with him.

1:09:52 Yeah.

1:09:53 Should have him and Earnest together.

1:09:55 Oh, I'd love to have him and Earnest together.

1:09:57 to do something's burning.

1:09:58 You should do something's burning with him and Earnest.

1:10:00 I should.

1:10:01 That's great.

1:10:01 So, that's not a burn cast.

1:10:03 Uh Tiger I want Tiger on and I I I I want Tiger on bad.

1:10:07 through some stuff.

1:10:08 but I'm on I'm team Tiger.

1:10:09 I'm team Tiger and I don't want him And by the way,

1:10:11 Tiger probably doesn't want to get sober.

1:10:12 Tiger, I don't want you sober.

1:10:14 So, like I I'm on your team.

1:10:16 I'm on your team.

1:10:18 He's in rehab?

1:10:19 Let's break him out.

1:10:20 Let's break him out.

1:10:21 Let's break him out.

1:10:22 I'll go I Do they get visitation rights?

1:10:25 Do you know who I think you would have a good conversation with is John Mayer.

1:10:30 Oh, I'd love to have John on.

1:10:31 I think you would have a great conversation with him about all kinds of stuff.

1:10:34 Yeah, I'd love to have John on.

1:10:36 I don't think he's doing many podcasts lately.

1:10:38 his own.

1:10:39 Yeah, but he I think he just talks about watches.

1:10:41 And I don't have enough watches to get into that conversation.

1:10:44 But I think you talk about music.

1:10:45 to have?

1:10:46 Oh, a a plethora.

1:10:48 How many do you Do you want not.

1:10:50 I have not.

1:10:51 Who else Who else Who else?

1:10:53 So, we we've got Tiger Woods, G Dub John Oh, no, we're doing that.

1:10:58 would like to have I would like to have Dale Earnhardt Jr.

1:11:00 on.

1:11:01 Ooh, that's a really good one.

1:11:03 Yeah.

1:11:02 What about a female?

1:11:04 What about ah

1:11:08 Uh let me hang on, let me think.

1:11:09 No, no, no, no, no.

1:11:10 I have a bunch.

1:11:11 I have a bunch.

1:11:12 Jennifer Aniston, duh.

1:11:14 Obviously.

1:11:14 Jennifer Aniston would be a a huge I would love

1:11:16 to have her on, but I couldn't have her on.

1:11:18 I'd have to get to have her on with Tom.

1:11:19 Yeah.

1:11:20 Um

1:11:20 So, she doesn't have

1:11:21 Obviously, we're going to do a a Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.

1:11:25 Something's burning.

1:11:26 I mean, duh.

1:11:26 That So, that's something's burning.

1:11:27 I mean, duh.

1:11:29 Uh I've I I I think when it comes to females,

1:11:33 there's like there's females I really like,

1:11:36 but I'm afraid the audience wouldn't like, you know?

1:11:40 Like like Angelina Jolie.

1:11:42 I'd love to have a conversation with her, but you know,

1:11:44 also what happens is I think I I like I I

1:11:48 would Can I tell you who I'd love to have on?

1:11:49 It's Blake Lively.

1:11:51 Yeah.

1:11:51 I would love to have Blake Lively on.

1:11:52 be great.

1:11:53 I would love to have Blake I'd rather Blake Lively on for Ryan Reynolds.

1:11:56 But I know that she's going It's very controversial, and I would side with her.

1:12:01 Obviously, whoever my guest is, I side with whatever they say.

1:12:04 It's the reason that Leanne won't let me have politic politics on.

1:12:07 Yeah.

1:12:07 Leanne doesn't let you?

1:12:09 Leanne, you don't

1:12:09 No, you give me you don't one time from a pretty big guy, and you're like

1:12:13 Oh, no, no, no.

1:12:14 Yeah, that's no.

1:12:14 No, no, no, no.

1:12:15 Yeah.

1:12:15 You're right.

1:12:16 You're right.

1:12:16 You're right.

1:12:16 Like the biggest, and yeah, and Leanne was like, "Absolutely not."

1:12:20 But not because of my politics,

1:12:21 just because I didn't think that you were schooled enough in politics to have

1:12:26 Yeah.

1:12:26 a a like a legitimate conversation with that person.

1:12:28 Not not because I don't want Just just I didn't think that you were

1:12:32 on any of my friends.

1:12:33 Well, I mean, you shouldn't engage

1:12:35 in a conversation with someone who has an agenda,

1:12:38 cuz that person would be coming on here with an agenda to be elected.

1:12:42 And if that is true, then you should be someone who could really speak

1:12:47 to the politics that he's Whoever that person was.

1:12:50 Yes.

1:12:50 That was my opinion.

1:12:52 Yes.

1:12:52 Cuz I don't care if you have a politician on.

1:12:54 I would have G Dubya on and and I don't need to talk politics.

1:12:59 I would just I want to just talk to I love that guy.

1:13:01 I'd like to have Bill Clinton on.

1:13:04 Should have them on together.

1:13:05 Something's burning.

1:13:06 Something's burning.

1:13:07 Condoleezza Rice.

1:13:10 Condoleezza Rice.

1:13:10 Something's burning.

1:13:11 Something's burning.

1:13:12 I've There was a moment in 9/11 when uh

1:13:15 right after the second plane hit where they were like, "Hey, we're under attack.

1:13:19 Everyone real quick go check on your families and then meet back

1:13:22 in the conference room." And Condoleezza Rice didn't have anyone to call.

1:13:27 What?

1:13:26 She was the first one in the room.

1:13:28 They're like, "Wait, did you call everyone?" She was like,

1:13:29 "I don't call anybody.

1:13:30 Let's get to business." I[ __] love Condoleezza Rice.

1:13:34 Does she have a family?

1:13:36 Uh-uh.

1:13:36 I had nobody.

1:13:37 No, she Nobody.

1:13:39 I'm sure she has somebody.

1:13:40 Jerry Rice is her cousin.

1:13:43 Condoleezza and then Simeon Rice.

1:13:47 Uh Rice-A-Roni.

1:13:49 Basmati.

1:13:49 Basmati Rice.

1:13:50 And and their her daughter Jasmine.

1:13:53 Her dad had an affair with a uh with a white chick that they have white rice.

1:13:57 Oh my god.

1:13:58 Oprah, you should have Oprah on.

1:14:00 I would love to do a something burning with Oprah and Gayle.

1:14:04 Gayle.

1:14:04 I I Gayle's Gayle's a I'd like to have Rachael Ray on.

1:14:07 Oh, yeah?

1:14:08 Yeah.

1:14:09 Yeah?

1:14:08 I think Rachael and I are doing something together.

1:14:10 You are.

1:14:10 You are.

1:14:11 Yeah.

1:14:11 Um fall?

1:14:13 I'd like to have Rachael on.

1:14:13 I would like to have uh I would love to have um The athlete wise,

1:14:21 I was just thinking athlete wise who did I want to have on.

1:14:25 Deion?

1:14:24 No, no, no.

1:14:25 Um I would love to have Deion on.

1:14:27 Primetime, come on.

1:14:28 Yeah, there's a lot of guests.

1:14:29 I I'll But you guys, this isn't for you to do.

1:14:31 I'll I'll get them on.

1:14:32 Um What was No, but I'm saying like No, no, no.

1:14:35 I I meant for the listeners are like, "Yeah, Oh, yeah.

1:14:37 By the way, send me who you want to have on." Oh, good one.

1:14:39 Yeah, send me who you want to have on.

1:14:40 Who you go, Bert, you really skipped one.

1:14:42 Do you know who you'd have a great I'd love to have Kelly Slater on.

1:14:45 But I I'm afraid that Kelly Slater's not

1:14:46 as interesting as I want him to be, you know?

1:14:49 Mhm.

1:14:49 Like I Like I'm he's pretty I think he's

1:14:51 a quiet guy and unless I engage like I'm

1:14:54 not like sometimes I just want him to talk

1:14:56 and he may not be a very talkative dude.

1:14:59 Get Emily Blunt on.

1:15:00 I[ __] I heard a story about Emily Blunt

1:15:04 that made me think she is the coolest[ __] chick alive.

1:15:09 literally has to be, right?

1:15:11 I think she's pretty awesome.

1:15:12 I'm pretty sure she is literally the coolest.

1:15:14 I heard a story about her taking one of the most boring people in the world

1:15:21 and making them the most interesting person in the world

1:15:24 to everyone around them and humanizing that person.

1:15:28 And everyone stopped and was like, "Emily Blunt is the baddest[ __] alive.

1:15:33 Emily Blunt is a badass."

1:15:35 Are you giving context or are we just leaving it at

1:15:36 I can't because it's a secret.

1:15:38 It's a wild secret that I would love to have Emily Blunt on.

1:15:43 Will you tell us later or tell us now or bleep it all out?

1:15:46 Yeah, she took

1:15:49 To the What's the Oh, really?

1:15:54 Yes.

1:15:53 Wait Wait, what's Bleep out It is And the name.

1:15:59 And the name.

1:15:59 And the name.

1:16:00 No, don't Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, obviously.

1:16:02 Uh it is a crazy Did you not listen to something earlier?

1:16:08 performance performance quasi club Oh.

1:16:15 that is insane.

1:16:17 No one You don't have watch people at But it

1:16:20 it like it is performance art taken to the 10th degree.

1:16:26 And I went to the one I went to one

1:16:28 of them in and it was insane and there someone told me,

1:16:34 "Do you know who came in?

1:16:36 Emily Blunt and dot dot dot." And dot dot dot was such a drip

1:16:41 and Emily Blunt turned him into the funniest guy in the[ __] world and I went,

1:16:45 "Shut the[ __] the I was crazy." Wow.

1:16:49 You're going to have to bleep out even

1:16:52 We should probably just bleep all this out.

1:16:55 This whole thing.

1:16:56 We can just make it disappear.

1:16:57 No, no, no, no.

1:16:58 Emily Blunt.

1:16:59 Emily Blunt.

1:16:59 All right, what else?

1:17:00 Next question.

1:17:00 Did I answer his question?

1:17:02 What was his question?

1:17:03 Yeah, you did.

1:17:04 Top favorite.

1:17:04 You were good.

1:17:05 Then we moved on.

1:17:06 Next question.

1:17:07 And how long have we done?

1:17:09 Okay, we'll do a couple more questions and we're done.

1:17:14 Aw, I love this guy already.

1:17:19 Oh.

1:17:24 Make sure you stay on Leanne's angle the entire time.

1:17:26 She worked on that.

1:17:29 Please.

1:17:30 Yo, Bert.

1:17:32 Do you secretly like the state of West Virginia?

1:17:35 As a West Virginian myself, you made fun of us in your movie The Machine.

1:17:41 So, I have to ask that question.

1:17:44 Do you like us secretly?

1:17:47 Secretly, I love West Virginia.

1:17:49 I started I hiked the Appalachian Trail through West Virginia.

1:17:52 I love West Virginia.

1:17:53 I went to Blacksburg to I just brought up West Virginia to Zach Top.

1:17:57 Now, having said that, I do not remember making fun of it in The Machine.

1:18:03 I don't remember that at all.

1:18:05 And I will make fun of any state.

1:18:07 I was just in West Virginia two days ago.

1:18:10 Yeah, you were just a couple days ago.

1:18:12 Yeah.

1:18:12 And by the way, found out coal miners still a job.

1:18:18 Yeah.

1:18:18 I thought that would be done by AI now.

1:18:20 Or drones.

1:18:22 Or robots.

1:18:22 Yeah, robots.

1:18:23 I was like, what Yeah, and they went, "No,

1:18:24 they go in the hole and they come out with coal." Mhm.

1:18:28 And there's a the guy has a friend with one arm.

1:18:31 What's the matter?

1:18:32 I Googled the machine movie West Virginia and it tells

1:18:37 me that the 2023 action comedy The Machine starring Bert Kreischer

1:18:42 and Mark Hamill is based on Kreischer's stand-up routine about

1:18:45 a trip to Russia and is not a West Virginia-based movie.

1:18:49 It is likely I am looking for the 1999 film October Sky.

1:18:55 What?

1:18:55 Which is set in West Virginia.

1:18:56 Oh, interesting.

1:18:57 So, that must be what you're thinking.

1:18:59 They're similar.

1:19:00 No, I must have made a joke about West Virginia in The Machine.

1:19:03 I love West Virginia.

1:19:04 I found a band based out of West Virginia called Charlie's on Acid and I

1:19:09 flew them down to or I brought them down to to Tallahassee to do a show.

1:19:14 They were so awesome.

1:19:15 Uh It's so funny I remember that.

1:19:18 I can't remember so much[ __] but I remember that band Charlie's on Acid.

1:19:21 I think I wanted to manage them.

1:19:22 They asked me to manage them.

1:19:25 Um but yeah, I I love West Virginia.

1:19:27 Like I said, I hiked the Appalachian Trail

1:19:28 through West Virginia and I was just there.

1:19:31 How far did you go on the Appalachian Trail?

1:19:32 Did you start at the beginning?

1:19:34 The whole way in my opinion.

1:19:35 From Georgia all the way?

1:19:37 Is it Is that the whole thing?

1:19:39 I thought it was only about 10 miles but yeah, I went I did not go to Maine.

1:19:43 Did you start Georgia?

1:19:45 I think I started in West Virginia and ended in West Virginia.

1:19:48 You started in West Virginia and ended in West Virginia.

1:19:52 Yeah.

1:19:52 Yeah.

1:19:53 Had I known how many bears are out there, I definitely would have done it.

1:19:57 Would have?

1:19:57 Wouldn't have done it.

1:19:58 Oh, yeah?

1:19:59 never do it again.

1:20:00 Did you see any bears?

1:20:01 I would you think there wouldn't be bears?

1:20:03 Yeah, right.

1:20:03 I didn't know about bears yet.

1:20:04 You grew up in Florida.

1:20:06 Yeah, it was like, "Bears?

1:20:07 We're not in Alaska." Yeah, there's black bears all over.

1:20:11 I know that now.

1:20:13 How old were you when you hiked the Appalachian Trail in West Virginia?

1:20:15 There's a picture of me My butt is in in the Appalachian Trail.

1:20:19 Remember that picture where I found my butt was more bulbous and then Yes.

1:20:23 And uh I was I was uh 19.

1:20:29 Maybe 20.

1:20:30 I couldn't drink yet.

1:20:32 I couldn't drink because we got done Find that find that question.

1:20:38 How old was it?

1:20:38 14, do you know?

1:20:40 Which one I'm talking about?

1:20:42 The one about drinking.

1:20:44 Okay, what's this?

1:20:46 Hey, this is Gabe.

1:20:48 Um huge fan, long-time listener.

1:20:51 Um but I just wanted to ask um you know,

1:20:56 with you being the partier that you are

1:21:00 do you remember your first beer {slash} alcoholic beverage?

1:21:05 And do you want to elaborate on that?

1:21:07 Um bloody {slash} do you want to elaborate on your favorite experience

1:21:14 with drinking um whether it's a celebration um a mourning,

1:21:19 you know, just partying with friends.

1:21:22 Um you know, it's good for all occasions,

1:21:25 but um like I said, big time fan love everything you do.

1:21:30 I appreciate you.

1:21:32 Thank you.

1:21:33 First the first time I ever had a beer I have to admit this.

1:21:39 The first couple times I ever drank I tried alcohol,

1:21:42 barely tried it, and I faked being drunk.

1:21:45 First couple times.

1:21:46 How old were you?

1:21:49 14.

1:21:49 14 years old I go to Adam Rigger's house,

1:21:53 me, Kman, and Adam Rigger and we meet Chris Harley.

1:21:56 Was that his name?

1:21:58 I don't know.

1:21:59 He had red I'm I'm I can't I'd be shocked if he was uh

1:22:06 Still had red hair?

1:22:07 No, still has red hair.

1:22:08 Still shocked he still had red hair.

1:22:11 No, we're red in here.

1:22:12 We met we met up with Ryan Quinn and Chris in the back in the back lot and we

1:22:19 had about three uh natural lights each and we

1:22:27 were I've never felt more beautiful in my life.

1:22:35 It was a Saturday night or Friday night and we

1:22:40 walked around to the front and I kissed Allison Williams.

1:22:46 And Mrs.

1:22:48 Reeger came out and said, "Boys,

1:22:50 we need to talk to you immediately." She

1:22:52 brought us into their kitchen and we sat down,

1:22:55 me, Cayman and Alan.

1:22:57 And she took a trash can and she dumped all our beers on the table.

1:23:03 Busted.

1:23:02 And she said, "Can you explain this?"

1:23:05 Not smart.

1:23:06 And I have to tell you my brain said I know we're in trouble right now.

1:23:17 But I don't give a[ __]

1:23:20 Cuz you were drunk.

1:23:21 I feel perfect.

1:23:24 Oh.

1:23:23 And the sparkle is here.

1:23:25 And nothing is going to make me unhappy.

1:23:29 And I smiled.

1:23:30 She goes, "What are you smiling at?" And I said, "Those beers." And she goes,

1:23:38 "Well I want you to know I found them."

1:23:42 And then she sent us back out with the girls.

1:23:45 And we were like should we get one more beer?

1:23:48 And we did.

1:23:49 And I woke up the next day and I had zero hangover and I had

1:23:52 to go to the mall with my mom and I never felt cooler in my life.

1:23:57 I walked around and I was like, "People are looking at me going,

1:24:00 I bet he had three or four beers last night.

1:24:04 That might be the coolest kid I've ever seen.

1:24:06 14 years old.

1:24:08 Not a care in the[ __] world.

1:24:09 I wonder if he made out with Allison Williams last night.

1:24:12 Bet he did." Nice.

1:24:15 I remember that night so vividly.

1:24:19 I remember being like, "I know we're in trouble,

1:24:21 but I don't care." And by the way,

1:24:23 that's what I miss about alcohol the most is that tonight I'll

1:24:25 be on a plane and I'll be looking out over Arizona going,

1:24:30 I could drop out of the sky and I know that alcohol could go,

1:24:33 or I could take care of this and you could not care.

1:24:37 God, I miss alcohol.

1:24:39 Or you could just have a death grip.

1:24:42 And when you land, they could go, "Mr.

1:24:44 Kreischer, it's okay.

1:24:46 You can let go.

1:24:47 Mr.

1:24:47 Kreischer." Memorable times being drunk,

1:24:51 uh I I remember getting drunk with Leanne

1:24:55 and going dancing one night when we were dating.

1:24:58 Aw, so fun.

1:24:58 We went to that Italian restaurant.

1:25:00 That's so funny.

1:25:00 You remember that?

1:25:01 Mhm.

1:25:01 Yeah.

1:25:02 See?

1:25:03 See how I remember things?

1:25:06 Yeah.

1:25:06 See?

1:25:08 Uh that's that's a good time.

1:25:10 Uh

1:25:10 That was so fun.

1:25:11 That was Best Best drunk I ever got was at my wedding.

1:25:14 I didn't get I didn't get too drunk.

1:25:15 I paced myself so that I could last all night and I did.

1:25:19 And by the time we got to the room, I had cut loose a little bit.

1:25:22 Uh on vacation Anytime vacation with Leanne,

1:25:25 uh when we went to the uh to the Cayman Islands.

1:25:28 So fun.

1:25:29 And then

1:25:29 I got really drunk.

1:25:30 The My favorite drunks are when Leanne gets drunk.

1:25:32 I laugh so[ __] hard and the girls laugh so hard.

1:25:36 I got really drunk.

1:25:37 We had a a dinner with a wine tasting and it went very wrong, very fast.

1:25:42 And he took a video of me and I'm literally at the table like swaying.

1:25:47 I could barely get to the room.

1:25:48 I don't drink like that.

1:25:50 day, 2020 I had just done I had this crazy panic

1:25:54 at the beginning of 2020 because I just started making money.

1:25:59 We just bought this new house.

1:26:00 We were about to demo it.

1:26:02 Wait, okay.

1:26:03 2020?

1:26:04 We bought the house in 2011.

1:26:07 So we had just I'm going to get her tested.

1:26:11 2011.

1:26:10 I'm going to get her tested.

1:26:11 2020.

1:26:12 2020, that's what I said.

1:26:14 Yeah, but at 2011 is when we bought the house.

1:26:17 New house.

1:26:18 Oh, this house.

1:26:21 She's Did anyone hear pandemic?

1:26:23 No, you never said pandemic.

1:26:24 You said 2020 and we had just started making money.

1:26:27 And then you said I got really stressed I got really Let me do it again.

1:26:30 Let me do it again.

1:26:30 Let me do it again.

1:26:31 Let me do it again.

1:26:32 And see if everyone can follow.

1:26:33 that she didn't realize what house you were talking about?

1:26:36 It's almost like she collect like p-

1:26:38 I I'm on you I'm with you on that one.

1:26:40 Yeah.

1:26:40 Cuz cuz Stacy what's crazy is you know

1:26:43 the story about the chlamydia and she doesn't.

1:26:46 That you do and she doesn't and there's

1:26:47 fans listening going I've heard that story.

1:26:49 How the[ __] has she not heard that story?

1:26:51 She's married to him.

1:26:52 Cuz I don't listen to everything you say.

1:26:54 Like other spouses.

1:26:58 You don't listen to everything I say.

1:26:59 Oh, I thought you were talking about Okay, let's get back to this thing.

1:27:02 Exactly, right?

1:27:03 Favorite beer buzzes.

1:27:03 Favorite buzzes.

1:27:05 So we had I was stressed at the very beginning of 2020.

1:27:08 I know this story, too.

1:27:10 Know exactly what you're going to say.

1:27:11 And I quit drinking and uh and we had some cold

1:27:15 beers from my tour bus in the fridge in the new

1:27:19 house but the new house was about to be demoed

1:27:23 and they were in the fridge and we were in the backyard.

1:27:25 I just Did I just tell this the other day?

1:27:27 No, but I know this story.

1:27:29 Thank you, Stacy.

1:27:30 Thank you.

1:27:30 I feel seen and heard.

1:27:31 LeAnn told you to go ahead.

1:27:33 She goes, I've been I hadn't drank for like I now I know it to be 48 days.

1:27:38 I thought it was 3 months.

1:27:40 And LeAnn said the girls are there.

1:27:44 Priscilla was alive, Mona was alive.

1:27:46 We I I don't think we had I think we had just gotten Izzy.

1:27:51 Yeah.

1:27:51 And she said man life's good.

1:27:55 I wouldn't mind a cold beer right now.

1:27:56 And I went, I am not really drinking.

1:27:58 She goes, oh, you can have a beer.

1:28:00 Let's have a cold beer.

1:28:01 You're doing great, baby.

1:28:02 Let's have a cold beer.

1:28:03 And I went okay.

1:28:05 And I had a beer for the first time in 48 days and it sparkled me so[ __]

1:28:11 Was it a good beer?

1:28:12 Oh, god, I thought you were saying no.

1:28:14 No, that was a good beer.

1:28:14 That was a great beer and I was so perfect.

1:28:18 I remember we got in the car and I wow, this is like almost like therapy.

1:28:24 I was terrified every time we left that house

1:28:27 cuz we had to move the the the gate.

1:28:29 Remember we had to move it by hand.

1:28:31 And I was like and I every time I grabbed it,

1:28:33 I thought I don't want to grab it where people would grab

1:28:35 it when they moved it cuz I don't want to get COVID.

1:28:38 That's back when we thought you could get

1:28:39 COVID by touching gates and and pizza boxes.

1:28:42 And so I would grab it in different places

1:28:44 and and with a beer buzz Now mind you,

1:28:47 I've been sober all of[ __] the pandemic at this point.

1:28:49 With a beer buzz I moved the gate and I didn't care.

1:28:54 And I thought wow, this is how regular people live.

1:28:57 Like I moved the gate and I just got in the car.

1:28:59 It's just like last year.

1:29:00 I was like, this is going to be fine.

1:29:02 We're going to be fine.

1:29:02 We're going to get through this.

1:29:04 And I and I had so much panic about

1:29:05 the pandemic and I didn't when I moved the gate.

1:29:08 I remember thinking that and going[ __] beer.

1:29:10 Alcohol rocks.

1:29:12 Like there's it's never been a better[ __] drug.

1:29:14 It's in and out.

1:29:15 You can measure it if you want.

1:29:17 If you want to be like Kyle and have one beer so everyone can

1:29:18 see you have a beer and know you're you're a man, you can do that.

1:29:21 If you want to have two beers like Stacy you can feel

1:29:22 a little bit of a buzz and go to bed and not you can.

1:29:25 If you want to be like Liam and have a garage beer cuz you love[ __]

1:29:29 Kylie Kelce the more than anyone in the world

1:29:31 and you want to support your friend.

1:29:33 I just love garage beer.

1:29:34 You love those beers.

1:29:35 What do you like more?

1:29:36 What Okay, you got to pick one.

1:29:37 Kylie or garage beer, what do you pick?

1:29:40 Well, I don't really know Kylie.

1:29:41 I spend a lot of time with garage beer.

1:29:44 I drink I drink a couple of garage beers a week.

1:29:48 over over that beer.

1:29:48 He's my friend.

1:29:50 Oh, over that?

1:29:50 Yeah, well obviously that's a dumb question.

1:29:53 What about Jason Kelce over Porosos?

1:29:55 Oh, it's Porosos all day.

1:29:57 I'll never speak to that man again.

1:29:59 If you're talking about But but and that was that beer those beers we had

1:30:04 in the back I think we had like two

1:30:05 beers in the backyard and I felt[ __] perfect.

1:30:10 Mhm.

1:30:08 I felt[ __] perfect.

1:30:11 Uh ready best glass of wine I ever had?

1:30:18 I remember this glass of wine.

1:30:22 2000 and two.

1:30:26 Turning a beginning of 2003, Leanne and I fly to Italy.

1:30:31 And we decide to go to dinner in Venice,

1:30:33 and as we walk to dinner it starts snowing.

1:30:36 Mhm.

1:30:35 And we walk in and I hadn't drank I hadn't drank in like I want to say 6 months,

1:30:38 but it wasn't I'm sure it wasn't probably like two.

1:30:41 It was a couple months.

1:30:42 It was a few months.

1:30:43 But I hadn't and I flew over sober,

1:30:45 and I was sit so I was I had panic attacks sober.

1:30:48 I was a little bit of a wreck.

1:30:50 I I had a panic attack going into the Rome.

1:30:52 Do you remember the the tub you drew for me?

1:30:54 Yes.

1:30:54 It was I'm going to draw you a bath, and then I got in and it was only this big.

1:30:57 the length of his legs.

1:30:59 Literally.

1:30:59 Like he's It was at a 90° angle.

1:31:01 So we laughed so[ __] hard.

1:31:03 And it was pink.

1:31:07 Yeah.

1:31:06 And we we were in Venice.

1:31:09 It's snowing.

1:31:10 It's the day after New Year's Eve.

1:31:12 Very few places are open.

1:31:13 We find this restaurant's open.

1:31:16 And it starts snowing as we walk into the restaurant.

1:31:19 And we're sitting at a candlelit table with a canal right next to us

1:31:24 looking at snow landing on And it's the day after New Year's No one's out.

1:31:27 So it's just snow.

1:31:28 Perfect everywhere.

1:31:30 And I look at Leanne and go, "I want a glass of wine so bad." She goes,

1:31:33 "Have one." I went, "What?" She goes, "Fucking have one.

1:31:37 You only live once.

1:31:38 We're in Italy.

1:31:39 Let's have a glass of wine." And I went, "Fuck yes." And I did.

1:31:43 And that night we went up to St.

1:31:45 Mark's in the snow.

1:31:46 No one was there.

1:31:47 We were the only footprints.

1:31:49 And we kissed for like 20 minutes in the middle of St.

1:31:52 Mark's.

1:31:52 We did.

1:31:53 That's right.

1:31:53 I[ __] best glass of wine I've ever had in my goddamn life.

1:31:56 I know that story, too.

1:31:58 Yeah.

1:31:57 You know that story, too.

1:31:58 Thank you, Stacy.

1:31:58 Thank you.

1:32:00 Here Funniest glass of wine I ever had?

1:32:02 Me and Paul when we're on TripFlip, do you know that story?

1:32:05 And Paul goes, "Buddy, buddy, we're going to cut back our drinking." I said,

1:32:09 "Yeah." And he goes, "We're going to limit to a box of wine." And I go,

1:32:14 "I think that's good." And he goes, "One box of wine,

1:32:15 we each get one box of wine, and that's it." We each get one?

1:32:19 So we So it turns out me and him are going through a box of wine,

1:32:23 and there's still some left over.

1:32:24 And I'm like, "Not bad." And I got to be honest with you,

1:32:27 Paul, I'm pretty[ __] up.

1:32:28 And he goes, "Tell him, man.

1:32:30 We keep it to one box of wine." So for like 9 days,

1:32:32 me and him are just having a box of wine.

1:32:34 And then someone goes, "Jesus Christ, you know there's like two and a half,

1:32:37 three bottles of wine in a box of wine." And we're like,

1:32:40 "Wow." And Paul goes, "I know that.

1:32:41 I mean,[ __] can you believe that?

1:32:43 That's a lot of wine for us.

1:32:44 Holy shit." You know that all of the memories that you have

1:32:48 are when you drink after not drinking for a while.

1:32:53 That's all of the memories.

1:32:54 One of my worst drinkings ever, ever.

1:32:58 Ever.

1:32:58 Not our wedding.

1:32:59 Was on the cruise.

1:33:00 It's the first night I drank.

1:33:01 I drank the Ace of Spades, and I had heartburn, and I felt gross,

1:33:04 and I woke up the next day, and I regretted it more than anything in my life.

1:33:07 And I was sitting on the toilet, and I thought I had it was having a stroke.

1:33:11 And then I drank myself through it.

1:33:12 I got to the other side of it, and I felt great the rest of the cruise.

1:33:15 But that one day really bummed me out.

1:33:18 Mhm.

1:33:17 That first That first I I wanted Ace of Spades to be the drink.

1:33:21 How How do you think you're going to feel on July 12th?

1:33:25 Uh It's my birthday.

1:33:26 I am going to For real?

1:33:28 You got to come to the We literally just talked about this yesterday.

1:33:31 No, I know.

1:33:31 I was doing a joke to you.

1:33:33 Oh.

1:33:33 He He was doing a bit.

1:33:35 a bit.

1:33:35 You're doing a bit.

1:33:36 I The first time I drink,

1:33:38 uh I think I'm I think I'm just going to break the number.

1:33:42 I don't think I'm going to get[ __] up.

1:33:44 I think I'm going to just break the number.

1:33:45 The number's the thing that stress me out.

1:33:47 I was talking to a guy the other day who hasn't drank in like 470 days,

1:33:51 and he was like He was like, "I know,

1:33:53 but I He goes, "And I just started drinking as a lark

1:33:55 stopped drinking as a lark to see if I could do it.

1:33:57 And then I started caring about the number and now I'm at 470 days and I

1:34:01 and I didn't never had a problem but I[ __] have so many[ __] days.

1:34:04 I don't want to[ __] it up.

1:34:05 Don't you remember when Wordle first came out

1:34:07 and you didn't want to break and you

1:34:08 had to play it cuz you couldn't break your streak of get Do you remember that?

1:34:11 Someone was saying the same thing with with with numbers.

1:34:15 Duolingo.

1:34:15 And they're like they got It's like midnight and they're like,

1:34:17 "Fuck, I got to do my Duolingo." Yeah.

1:34:19 Yeah, I don't I don't want to get rid of the number.

1:34:20 a hard I want to get rid of the number.

1:34:23 Eesh.

1:34:23 I want to get rid of the number.

1:34:24 I want to have 6 months.

1:34:25 By the way, if if I go to the doctor in uh in 2 weeks and he goes,

1:34:30 "The blood clots totally gone and you're off blood thinners.

1:34:33 You can drink again." I probably won't drink I probably hold it to 6 months.

1:34:38 I probably will.

1:34:39 I don't know if I can say that yes or no,

1:34:41 but like I probably will hold it to 6 months just cuz I feel so good right now.

1:34:46 And it's kind of fun, you know?

1:34:47 I'm I'm having fun having a challenge.

1:34:49 But the first time I drink, I just want to get rid of the number.

1:34:51 So I want to drink to get rid of the number.

1:34:52 I was actually thinking about if Zach Top

1:34:54 wanted a beer yesterday of having sipping a beer,

1:34:57 having a couple sips of a beer to get rid of the number.

1:34:59 Cuz the numbers[ __] makes you crazy.

1:35:01 I love that you said that you're feeling really good and having

1:35:03 a good time with this cuz all you do is complain about it.

1:35:06 I don't complain.

1:35:07 I complain about No, I don't complain.

1:35:09 You[ __] guys Carry on.

1:35:14 I talk I talk about it.

1:35:16 I talk about it.

1:35:18 I talk about it.

1:35:19 Like it's so it's so easy.

1:35:21 I'm having such a good time.

1:35:24 I talk about it.

1:35:25 I talk about it a lot.

1:35:27 And you said You know, she says to me the other day, she goes, "God,

1:35:31 you keep bringing this up over and over and over again." And I go,

1:35:33 "I can never talk about it again." She goes, "No, that's not what I'm saying.

1:35:36 You just you're you're mulling it over." Ruminating.

1:35:39 Ruminating on it.

1:35:40 Not talk about And then she goes then she looks at me and she goes,

1:35:42 "This is a fun way to leave This is a This is

1:35:45 a fun way This is a fun way to leave the tour,

1:35:47 right?" She's on tour with me and then the next morning she goes,

1:35:49 "Are you depressed?" And I went, "I don't think I am." She's like, "Oh,

1:35:51 I was just asking." And I was like, "Wait, That is not at all what I said.

1:35:55 What did you say?

1:35:56 I said I said, "I'm just curious.

1:36:00 Are you Are Are you feeling any depression at all?" I'm so sorry.

1:36:03 THAT'S THE EXACT SAME THING.

1:36:05 THAT'S NOT THE SAME as "Are you depressed?" I was like, "I'm curious.

1:36:08 Are you feeling any depression?" I mean, how are you feeling?

1:36:11 Because And you left the context out.

1:36:14 You left the context out.

1:36:16 The context was you were telling me you're sleeping

1:36:19 a lot and all you want to do is sleep.

1:36:22 And I said, "Well, sleep is a symptom of depression.

1:36:24 Are you feeling depressed at all?" It wasn't that you just

1:36:26 went woke your open your eyes and went and I went,

1:36:29 "Are you depressed?" No, we were talking about how much you're sleeping.

1:36:32 You were saying, "All I want to do is sleep.

1:36:34 I just want to sleep all the time." So, I asked the question.

1:36:37 Yep, that's not Are you feeling depressed?

1:36:39 Hang on.

1:36:40 If you're No, hang on.

1:36:41 Hang on.

1:36:41 No, I didn't say And I said, "I don't I didn't think so,

1:36:45 but I thought I'd ask because a lot of sleep is related to depression."

1:36:49 I was We were at a gathering.

1:36:50 That is the full conversation.

1:36:52 The full conversation is not even that.

1:36:53 We were at a gathering.

1:36:54 We were at a gathering and I said I said, "Yeah, it's crazy.

1:36:57 When I'm not drinking" and this is when she goes,

1:36:58 "You keep bringing it up to me about this." I go, "When I'm not drinking,

1:37:01 I honestly I never understood people." This is the exact truth.

1:37:04 I said, "I never understood Nikki Glaser when we'd all be out and we'd

1:37:07 all be doing something We'd all do a show and then Nikki would be like,

1:37:10 'I'm going to go home and go to bed.' And I'd be like,

1:37:11 'Wait, we're all We just got here.

1:37:13 We're all going out.' She's like, 'Yeah, I'm tired.

1:37:14 I'm I'm I'm good.

1:37:16 I don't need to go out.' Or Tom Segura.

1:37:18 'I'll just go home.

1:37:19 I'm I'm going to go home.' I never understood that.

1:37:21 And then I understood it.

1:37:23 I said, 'You know what's so funny?

1:37:23 When I stopped drinking, I understood going, 'I'm just going to go to bed.

1:37:27 I'm going to go home and go to bed.'" And then I said,

1:37:29 "I could go to bed all the time.

1:37:30 Like every time we do a meet and greet, I always go,

1:37:31 'I'm I can't wait to go to bed.'" And then she goes,

1:37:34 "Oh." I said, "Yeah, I love sleeping.

1:37:35 I'm I've been sleeping like 12 hours a day." You're combining two conversations.

1:37:39 The Nikki Glaser conversation happened at night.

1:37:42 And then the next morning you brought that up.

1:37:48 You have such a creative One more call.

1:37:51 One more call and then therapy.

1:37:52 Wow, this is going to be a crazy[ __] therapy.

1:37:55 Yeah, we're going to talk about rumination.

1:37:58 guys?

1:37:58 Might maybe.

1:37:59 Maybe.

1:38:00 Maybe.

1:38:01 I thought that was me.

1:38:03 Oh, I know this one.

1:38:04 That's a hat question.

1:38:08 This What's up, Bert?

1:38:08 I got to know what's your favorite Klink design besides your Mac Crusher.

1:38:14 I never got my Mac Crusher.

1:38:16 Just so we're clear, I never got my Mac Crusher.

1:38:18 No, I haven't seen any Mac I never got my Mac.

1:38:20 What?

1:38:22 What?

1:38:22 There was a whole bunch of them here.

1:38:24 Of Mac?

1:38:25 Mac?

1:38:26 Yeah.

1:38:26 I haven't seen them either.

1:38:29 No.

1:38:30 Yes.

1:38:31 Where?

1:38:33 Are you making this up?

1:38:34 The dog.

1:38:36 No.

1:38:36 I don't remember seeing them.

1:38:38 I've never seen a Mac Crusher.

1:38:40 I feel like there was a sleeve of them.

1:38:42 Oh, should be.

1:38:43 I ordered 20 of them.

1:38:44 I'm sure they were here.

1:38:45 I paid for them.

1:38:46 I bought them.

1:38:46 I know they were here.

1:38:48 Well, they would have come a long time ago cuz Mac So,

1:38:51 I wonder if someone put them somewhere.

1:38:53 Put them up.

1:38:54 Cuz I I don't think I've seen them either.

1:38:57 I feel like I definitely have seen them.

1:38:58 It was a sleeve of them.

1:39:00 I've never seen them.

1:39:00 Okay, well, I'll do a little looky-loo.

1:39:02 Uh the Mac one I'm excited to get.

1:39:04 I have There's one There's one that's a feather that I love.

1:39:08 I love I burned it in my bus.

1:39:10 Mhm.

1:39:10 Um I love the dollar bill skeleton head that I wore on uh Free Bert.

1:39:16 Uh I had uh I love the octopus.

1:39:21 Um I I I love every design differently.

1:39:26 I don't like clowns.

1:39:27 I don't like balloons.

1:39:29 Uh I don't like anything like I love the chicleta one.

1:39:33 The I think I'm saying it chok cho chancla chancla the flip-flop.

1:39:38 I don't know if that was a Oh, yeah.

1:39:40 That might have been a different one.

1:39:41 But, um I love the one I'm wearing right now.

1:39:46 I I love I I'm supportive of every designer,

1:39:50 and I and I can find the beauty in every design hat that I get.

1:39:54 I get excited when I look through hats.

1:39:56 And it's funny, the only I only wear the ones I feel like

1:39:59 I've worn I don't wear the ones I feel like I've worn too much.

1:40:02 Um I love the Teddy Roosevelt one.

1:40:06 I love my one of my favorite ones was uh the bowl of ramen Mhm.

1:40:11 the ramen bowl was such a great one.

1:40:13 Yeah, that was a good one.

1:40:16 Um There's been so many anything that's There's

1:40:19 a great one that was Florida a Florida design.

1:40:21 I think it was like a an orange and a sunshine.

1:40:24 Wasn't there one with an Adirondack chair on it?

1:40:26 Mhm, that's one I like.

1:40:27 I like that.

1:40:27 like that one, too.

1:40:29 There's so many great Clink Room designs.

1:40:31 Um Oh, man, I wish I knew that if I

1:40:35 Those out there who who don't know what is Clink Room.

1:40:37 Clink Room is uh it is a hat community, I guess, is the easiest way to say it.

1:40:42 So, from my understanding,

1:40:43 and I could be bastardizing this, designers submit to Clink Room.

1:40:47 Clink Room puts it up on a site.

1:40:49 People then uh pledge their money towards that hat, going like,

1:40:52 "I'll buy that hat in this size." And then once it gets to a certain level,

1:40:56 Clink Room then makes that hat, and everyone who pledged their money,

1:40:59 their money gets deposited and into Clink Room's account,

1:41:03 and they send out the hat.

1:41:04 And I think Clink Room takes their portion for making the hat,

1:41:07 and then I think the designer gets some.

1:41:10 And and now, from what my understanding is,

1:41:15 those designers are hoping that and this is why I've

1:41:18 been so supportive of of the designers who make cool hats,

1:41:21 because I'm hoping that there is a minor

1:41:23 league team that sees one of those hats,

1:41:25 like an Adirondack chair, and maybe there's a team in um in uh Adirondack

1:41:31 in in Adirondacks.

1:41:32 Maybe there's and they're go, "Yo, we're having a an Adirondack day.

1:41:36 We should like there's a huge community of teams

1:41:38 in um um in the in the northeast coast.

1:41:42 Uh I forget what code but it's like a huge league.

1:41:45 And they probably do have an Adirondack day

1:41:47 and they that I have my hopes is that one

1:41:49 of the owners of that team sees that hat like

1:41:51 Bill Murray and then goes oh that's a cool[ __] hat.

1:41:54 What is that?

1:41:54 We should do a day for that hat.

1:41:56 We're going to do a day where we make uh where we're

1:41:59 going to use that hat and that'll be the whole uniform design.

1:42:01 And then that designer gets a huge payout

1:42:04 from a team and then he's got that under his belt

1:42:07 and then he can make them for like the you

1:42:09 know for like a pro team or minor league team, you know, minor league franchise.

1:42:13 That's cool.

1:42:13 But I love I love those hats and I remember my business manager

1:42:16 I was telling him about my I got really crazy and buying hats.

1:42:20 My business manager goes not a bad habit.

1:42:22 I said really and he goes uh I know a guy who collects cars.

1:42:27 He's like you're good.

1:42:29 And I was like really and he was like yeah.

1:42:31 So hats, shoes I'm probably the most expensive thing I collect and I

1:42:35 don't I don't think I collect but I like I like is watches.

1:42:39 But I just found the[ __] cheat code into watches.

1:42:41 You did?

1:42:43 Yeah.

1:42:42 What's the cheat code?

1:42:43 Is that I like a bunch like I just watched Watches and Wonders

1:42:47 and there's a bunch of watches that are

1:42:48 moderately priced that are my favorite watches.

1:42:51 Oh, really?

1:42:51 I say moderate moderate still very expensive for the average

1:42:55 person but they're not a hundred thousand dollars.

1:42:58 They're like three thousand dollars, five thousand dollars.

1:43:01 Like there's a ball watch that I just saw that is so[ __] cool.

1:43:05 This thirty-five hundred dollars and I was like

1:43:08 So the cheat code is just that you like less expensive watches?

1:43:11 The cheat code yes yes but here's the[ __] rub is

1:43:15 to still buy them at the same pace you buy expensive watches.

1:43:19 Don't just go well it's thirty-five hundred dollars So I'll buy seven.

1:43:22 I'm going to buy I'm going to buy

1:43:23 that and this and this and this because you don't wear them.

1:43:26 So you got to buy it when you want it

1:43:28 or when you think see it's a thing that you could do.

1:43:30 Like you go oh yeah like I have a I

1:43:33 have a great[ __] Omega um uh Aquaterra that I love.

1:43:39 But I only wear it when I wear like black stuff.

1:43:42 And then I I like I love this watch.

1:43:45 And but I only wear it when I cuz I'm going for a jog in New York.

1:43:48 And I go, it's a good athletic watch.

1:43:50 But it's also pretty fancy.