The Exact Words to End Any Relationship

0:00 What about when it comes to delivering bad news to people?

0:05 It's a required life lesson.

0:09 Like there's it's impossible to not get around

0:11 that and people get really uncomfortable with it.

0:13 And usually it's because they're feeling other people's feelings for them.

0:17 Like that I I don't want to say that because that's not nice.

0:20 Like they feel like they have to be nice.

0:24 But the the real takeaway is being choosing to be kind, right?

0:27 Nice says it's focus all on the the surface, the pleasantries.

0:31 I can't say that.

0:32 I can't tell you the truth, Chris.

0:34 That's not nice.

0:35 All right.

0:37 Kindness says, "I care enough about you to tell you the truth.

0:42 Because I care about you,

0:43 I need to give you this this really hard news of what it's going to this is what

0:48 it's going to be." And you can use labels

0:50 simple as what we just talked about a minute ago.

0:53 This is going to be some hard news.

0:54 You're not going to like what I have to say.

0:56 M give them a moment and then deliver the news.

0:59 But what you can't do is twist a knife

1:01 where you start to blame them first, right?

1:05 If you need to give bad news,

1:07 like imagine if I was just going to break up with you right now,

1:11 the worst thing to do about it is all of a sudden go, you know,

1:16 I just think you're so great, uh, Chris, and I've really enjoyed a lot of time.

1:21 We start talking in past tense as if like what do you

1:23 I was enjoying that stuff.

1:25 Yeah.

1:25 Yeah.

1:25 just keep just keep going.

1:28 Um to where you know you're not you're not being straight up and being honest.

1:31 And often that's sometimes the kindest thing you can do is be as direct

1:35 as you can be when it comes to sad news.

1:37 Let's say that you need to break up

1:38 with a partner and you're feeling super nervous about it.

1:41 How would you guide that person through the conversation?

1:44 M when I would use a label that means rather than and this is assuming you set

1:51 aside time and you're not trying to do it

1:54 through a text message or you know while you're

1:57 apparently that's go now that's looked down on to do it over text.

2:00 Yeah.

2:00 Yeah.

2:00 It's probably not a good idea or you're doing it

2:02 in the middle of you know a movie or something.

2:05 Let's assume you've already put good time

2:08 around this to have a good conversation.

2:10 It's to say, "I need to have a hard conversation with you."

2:15 And then you need the first words out of your mouth need to be.

2:21 This isn't a relationship that I can see myself continuing in.

2:27 Like, you see how all of a sudden

2:28 I'm getting right to the point rather than saying,

2:30 "I need to have something hard.

2:31 You've just been great." And you know, it's not you, it's me,

2:34 and you know, we just been we've had all these memories.

2:37 Yeah.

2:37 Yeah.

2:37 Exactly.

2:38 instead of all that, get right to the point and it's it's much easier.

2:44 People can take bad news.

2:48 It's going to have a harder impact,

2:50 but the rest of it is going to be a whole lot

2:52 better for you rather than trying to sound nice and be like,

2:55 I don't want to upset it's all me.

2:57 It's not it's not you at all.

2:59 Even though that's softer in the moment,

3:01 that long-term impact is going to be a whole

3:02 lot worse because because you weren't really being

3:07 honest with me.

3:07 And so even if you were need to fire somebody,

3:10 bring them in, this news is probably going to shock you.

3:15 I need to let you go.

3:17 And that's when you get to say, I've enjoyed having you as a a person.

3:21 You've done great with the company.

3:23 Or maybe it's in a relationship.

3:24 I I I need to be out of this relationship.

3:29 I need to move on.

3:30 This is relationship isn't working for me.

3:32 Whatever it is.

3:33 And that's where you get to say, I've I've learned a lot from you.

3:37 I've learned and whatever it is, the nice stuff,

3:39 but don't start with the pleasantries and then end with the hard.

3:43 I think Chris has another one which is if you're saying

3:48 that you can't go to an event, say I can't go or I can't make it.

3:55 Yeah.

3:56 First, right?

3:57 Don't say things have got so hard recently and this chaos came

4:01 up and I've got this thing and then that at the end.

4:04 like just don't bury the[ __] lead, dude.

4:08 Yeah.

4:08 Put it up top.

4:10 I very much uh align with that.

4:13 So, what I I teach is you start with the no first.

4:16 Most people start with the the thanks first.

4:19 They start with the gratitude.

4:20 They go, "Thank you so much.

4:21 I'd love to, but I can't."

4:23 Um and but the word but has a way of deleting everything that came before it.

4:28 Like, I love you, but

4:30 you're crazy.

4:31 You know, whatever.

4:32 That might be true.

4:33 Yeah.

4:33 Those things might be true.

4:34 Sure.

4:35 Sure they can.

4:36 Um, however,

4:37 yeah, you want to start with the no first.

4:40 So,

4:41 I can't period.

4:42 Then the gratitude.

4:42 Thank you so much for inviting me.

4:44 Then add in some um kindness.

4:47 I'm sure it's going to be a great time.

4:50 Hope you have a wonderful time.

4:52 Knock yourselves out.

4:53 Whatever it is, but don't don't that compliment

4:56 sandwich is a little hard to chew.

5:00 Dude, I've got a[ __] fantasy going on in my head of me,

5:05 you, Chris Voss, and James Sexon doing an episode together.

5:09 I'm going to try and make that[ __] happen before the end of the year.

5:11 We probably could.

5:11 I think that would be straight fire.

5:14 I think that would be so much[ __] fun.

5:16 And I put something in the middle of the table that's

5:18 remotely valuable or that most pe most of you guys want.

5:21 I'm like, "Hey, negotiate over this." Exactly.

5:23 See, it's like a gladiatorial fight to the death.

5:26 Yeah.

5:26 Exactly.

5:26 And somebody somebody gets to[ __] I don't know.

5:29 I don't know what you get.

5:29 Um, so you're having a difficult conversation,

5:32 you're firing a member of staff or you're

5:34 breaking up with somebody or something similar.

5:38 Yeah.

5:37 And during that conversation, the emotions begin to come up.

5:42 And there is always this temptation to even bail out of the conversation.

5:48 So like poly ejecty to you see that somebody begins to get upset and then

5:53 the employee comes into work tomorrow and you go,

5:55 I thought you were firing them.

5:57 Yeah.

5:58 Well, exactly.

6:00 What about that?

6:01 Because I think that a lot of people enter

6:03 into conversations with the intention of doing the thing.

6:08 Mhm.

6:07 And leave a conversation having had this weird spaghetti junction mess.

6:12 Do you know what I mean?

6:13 Like when people have difficult conversations,

6:15 often they do not they do not finish what they meant to start.

6:20 Yeah.

6:20 How would you navigate through that?

6:22 Okay.

6:22 It's to me it's like people have no problem 3 minutes in a cold plunge

6:28 but give them two seconds having to be

6:30 honest with somebody in a conversation terrifies them.

6:33 It's like okay think of it as like a cold plunge.

6:36 You start it and at the beginning what is it?

6:38 You're trying to catch your breath.

6:40 You're trying I can't do this and then all

6:42 of a sudden what you have some clarity and you realize

6:45 I can do this and you realize your body's going

6:47 through this and there will be an end to it.

6:49 Same way in difficult conversation.

6:51 Yeah, it's going to be a splash.

6:52 I they have I have what I teach is cold cold shower conversations as as example

6:58 of those of like it's gonna it's going

7:00 to be a shock to the system at the beginning,

7:04 but we're going to see our way out of it

7:05 to where you you start to have the hard words.

7:08 You've already said I we need to break up.

7:11 This relationship isn't for me or I need to let you go.

7:16 Whatever it is, you say the hard news and then you realize, okay, I did it.

7:20 like, okay, I I had I said the thing and now we can have a lot more clarity.

7:24 Now you've kind of gotten over.

7:25 It's way easier to crest the mountain when you

7:27 just like go right up and then it gets down.

7:29 It's when you have a slow go up way.

7:33 I haven't got there yet.

7:34 I haven't done it yet.

7:35 There's still time for me to avoid this mountain.

7:37 Exactly.

7:37 Exactly.

7:38 And so it's it's just like that.

7:39 So you find ways for me in my world as an attorney.

7:44 I mean, I grew up in courtrooms and depositions and watching this, so I've seen

7:48 a lot of emotional fighting and yelling

7:54 and all sorts of hard tactics against each other.

8:00 Super adversarial.

8:01 I've seen a lot of fights of arguments.

8:05 Don't put me in a ring.

8:06 I'm not I won't be any good in uh with boxing gloves.

8:08 Sean Strickland's going to eat you alive.

8:10 Oh, no.

8:10 No doubt.

8:11 I' I'd bail out.

8:12 That's why I'd bail out.

8:14 But whenever you increase your capacity to hold other people's emotion,

8:19 meaning you can feel all your feelings without me holding them

8:24 and I know that I'm in control of myself and I'm going to continue to breathing

8:27 through it and I'm not going to be

8:29 holding what you're presenting, the better it gets.

8:32 Like the more I realize that disappointment is part of the game.

8:38 like to be a great leader, to be a great um to be a good person in my world,

8:45 you have to learn the art of disappointing people.

8:47 In other words, telling them sometimes what they need to hear,

8:50 not what they want to hear.

8:54 Makes me think about when the parents of missing children go on the news,

9:02 what is it that they always say?

9:04 We just want to know.

9:06 Yeah.

9:05 We just want to know.

9:07 Because the open loop is the worst thing.

9:10 Yeah, the open loop is where the most pain is.

9:11 And it I'm sure that no parent would say

9:15 this, but logically it kind of makes sense that Yeah.

9:18 finding the child dead in some ways would be

9:21 emotionally preferable to living for decades in the uncertainty.

9:28 Mhm.

9:28 And I mean, no parents ever going to come out

9:30 and say that obviously and they actually probably don't want that.

9:32 But you understand what I mean.

9:33 closing closing that loop is exactly what people want,

9:37 even though it's what your body is telling you absolutely not to do.

9:43 Mhm.

9:42 So, when you're able to break up with somebody and not

9:47 leave them guessing why or you need to fire somebody,

9:49 whatever the hard news is, and not leave them guessing why,

9:54 that is you acting in alignment with integrity.

9:58 That's you acting in alignment with your values.

10:01 It's it's you going from nice guy to a good man.

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