Bernie Mac Was Not Politically Correct | Late Night with Conan O’Brien

0:01 [cheering] [applause]

0:03 What's up, Cole?

0:04 Hey everybody.

0:05 You did you call me Cole?

0:06 I LOVE COLE.

0:07 [cheering]

0:09 [applause]

0:08 I LOVE THAT.

0:09 YOU JUST YOU JUST CALLED ME COLE.

0:11 I feel comfortable like that, Cole.

0:13 I love Cole.

0:14 I wish I had I never had a cool nickname.

0:16 You know what?

0:16 You You You You're swinging now, man.

0:19 I'm telling you.

0:20 Yes, I am.

0:21 Yeah.

0:21 Now, so much to talk about.

0:23 First of all, thanks to you for being here today.

0:25 Thanksgiving.

0:25 I appreciate you to make the trouble for me.

0:30 [applause]

0:30 Very nice of you.

0:32 You had a good Thanksgiving so far?

0:33 Let me tell you something.

0:34 Thanksgiving holidays are sweet for me.

0:37 Because I have a large family.

0:38 Mhm.

0:39 My Thanksgiving home is my wife.

0:40 She cooks.

0:41 Mhm.

0:42 The house smelling sweet.

0:44 The candles, the bacon.

0:46 The family coming over.

0:49 [laughter]

0:49 All the nieces and nephews and cousins.

0:51 Uh-huh.

0:51 We can always play with my nieces and nephews and stuff.

0:54 They love me.

0:54 They really love me.

0:55 They do?

0:56 It's the It's the aunts and cousins

0:59 and and and the older people that, you know, mess up everything.

1:03 Where How do they mess things up?

1:04 What are they doing that's bad?

1:05 Because, you know, the kids wait for me and and now

1:07 all of a sudden now that I'm Bernie Mac, they jump for position.

1:10 Mhm.

1:10 You know, everybody want to sit under me.

1:12 You know, everybody want to be close to me.

1:14 If I go get the water, they give me a fresher water and things like that.

1:18 [laughter] And it be It be the grown-ups.

1:19 Tell them go over there and tell them I know I know my sister not be

1:21 involved in because now my nieces and nephews

1:24 come to me and they tell me things.

1:26 I lost a tooth.

1:29 I got a rash right here.

1:31 Mhm.

1:33 [laughter] They want some money.

1:35 Why do you need SOME MONEY FOR THAT?

1:37 I NEED $10,000.

1:38 for the money.

1:39 I'm telling you.

1:40 I'm telling you.

1:40 Right.

1:41 Right.

1:41 And so, you can see through them.

1:42 You see it's the parents pulling the strings.

1:44 Man, parents are something.

1:45 Grown folks want to mess up the kids.

1:47 Kids are genuine.

1:48 They're honest.

1:49 They love me for me cuz I always play with them, tell them stories.

1:52 My sister and them, you know, black folks something else, Conan.

1:56 I've been black a long time.

1:57 I'm telling you.

1:58 Black folks something else.

1:59 You've been black for over 10 years, I believe.

2:01 I'm telling you.

2:02 When we first met, you were white.

2:03 You were whiter than me.

2:05 almost like, you know, Michael Jackson, you know what I mean?

2:08 [laughter] [cheering]

2:09 YOU'RE GOING THE OTHER WAY.

2:12 [applause]

2:11 YOU PASSED HIM AT SOME POINT.

2:13 Michael

2:13 Michael's coming this way, you went that way, and you passed in the middle.

2:17 [laughter] [applause] Well, you can't do that no more, can you?

2:23 No, we can't.

2:23 Well, I can.

2:25 Uh You believe that as a parent And I'm

2:29 curious about this now because I've got to, you know,

2:31 worry now about, you know, what's the way to be a good parent.

2:34 You believe in discipline, is that true?

2:36 Tough love, Conan.

2:37 I mean, don't let your kids get Co- You call me Conan over there.

2:39 uh Co- Co- Sorry.

2:41 You know, Co- Co- [applause]

2:46 Whatever you say, uh Yeah, Co- Co- Co- You know, but Co- listen, Co- Co- Well,

2:51 see, Co- what happens is the kids now are different from what we were we were.

2:55 Teachers and police We respect authority.

2:58 Yes.

2:59 They don't respect authority.

3:00 Parents, you know, we the one dropped the ball.

3:02 We reward our kids for every doggone thing, you know?

3:05 You know, you clean up your room, I'll take you to Neverland, you know?

3:09 Dude, that's some bull.

3:10 You know what I mean?

3:12 [laughter] You know, You know, you Do your homework,

3:15 I'll give you get a B, I'll give you 10 10 dollars.

3:18 That's bull.

3:19 Yeah, yeah.

3:19 You know, you you got to, you know, a good hit to the jaw.

3:23 WAIT A MINUTE.

3:24 WAIT [cheering] A MINUTE.

3:26 BERNIE MAC.

3:27 CO- OH, NO, [applause] NO, NO.

3:28 CO- NOW, YOU KNOW, THANKSGIVING SHOW RIGHT NOW.

3:31 You know, you know I'm not PC.

3:33 I I'm sorry.

3:34 I got to tell you like it is.

3:36 Coaches was in your face Right, right.

3:38 back in the day.

3:39 Right.

3:39 Get in there and get it.

3:40 You know, you cry, but that made you tougher.

3:42 Right, right.

3:42 these kids can't take no pressure.

3:46 Right.

3:45 they they can't take rejection.

3:47 And look at us.

3:48 Oh, he he didn't make the choir.

3:51 You know, my sister crying,

3:54 [laughter]

3:53 you know, because my nephew walking like this, you know.

3:56 Something wrong with him.

3:57 YEAH, HE GAY.

4:01 [applause] WELL, NO, YOU'RE NOT PC.

4:08 THAT'S THE

4:09 KNOW, NO, NO, LISTEN.

4:09 NOW, WE WE WE CAN SEE ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STREET,

4:11 but we can't never see right next to us.

4:14 Exactly.

4:14 You know, we don't never want to see the truth.

4:15 My nephew is is gay.

4:17 He's a diabetic.

4:18 You know?

4:20 What?

4:22 [applause] IS THERE A CONNECTION THERE?

4:22 YEAH, SUGAR IN THE BLOOD.

4:23 Sugar in the blood.

4:24 the blood.

4:24 Oh, okay.

4:30 [applause and cheering] Got it.

4:32 GOT IT.

4:37 YOU JUST DOUBLED THE NUMBER OF LETTERS WE'RE GOING TO GET.

4:40 The gay people are mad, the diabetics are mad.

4:43 Gay, I'm gay.

4:44 I'm gay.

4:44 I'm happy all the time, you know what I mean?

4:47 There's nothing wrong with the truth.

4:48 I mean, I have nothing, you know, cuz everybody have their own life.

4:52 I I got to tell it like it is, Cole.

4:53 Yeah.

4:54 I like that.

4:55 I like that.

4:56 Now, you uh You I've noticed this every time you come on the show,

5:00 I notice this about you.

5:01 You take good care of yourself.

5:02 You are not afraid to uh you know,

5:04 wear some nice clothes, but also you pamper yourself.

5:07 You look good.

5:08 You take care of Bernie Mac.

5:09 I do.

5:11 [applause and cheering] YES, I DO.

5:13 COLE, I GET PEDICURES, YOU get pedicures?

5:17 manicures,

5:17 Mhm.

5:17 facial, all the time.

5:20 I take two or three showers a day, you know?

5:23 I just have a thing about uh taking care of myself.

5:26 When I was younger, we didn't never have anything and I was real dark.

5:29 Right.

5:29 You know?

5:31 And I thought you were white when you were younger.

5:35 That's That's later on.

5:35 Later on.

5:36 I made I made a transition.

5:38 a transition and you went back.

5:39 Yeah, yeah, you know, KEEP IT REAL.

5:42 [laughter]

5:45 SO, YOU GOT I MEAN, I I I'LL ADMIT, I'VE had uh I I I've I've had a facial.

5:50 Yeah.

5:51 Because you know they what they put the makeup on all the time,

5:53 you get the But I was worried about doing that.

5:55 I thought, "Well, man, you know,

5:56 I don't know about having a facial." But I went and I got a facial.

5:58 I've never had a manicure or a pedicure.

6:01 What What is it like?

6:02 I mean, it's a beautiful thing.

6:03 You got your your feet in the tub and then

6:05 and then and they're sitting there and they're doing your hands.

6:08 And you condition your hands and your feet.

6:10 I mean, it's a beautiful It's relaxing.

6:12 Every Saturday when I'm off on the Bernie Mac Show,

6:15 that's what we do, my crew and I.

6:17 About seven, eight of us.

6:18 We go get a pedicure, manicure, facial.

6:21 I take them to lunch.

6:22 We go take in a movie.

6:23 Then we go have a little a light salad or something at the end.

6:26 That's my [laughter] Saturday.

6:30 You know, and and and that's

6:31 So, who's diabetic?

6:31 That's what I want to know.

6:34 [laughter] [applause] No, no, no, NO, WAIT A MINUTE HERE.

6:37 NO ONE IN TROUBLE.

6:38 I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE.

6:40 [applause] BUT then who's [cheering] sensitive?

6:41 We comedians.

6:42 I mean, you leave the door open, you you throw a jab.

6:44 I THREW A JAB.

6:45 I HAD TO DO IT.

6:45 I HAD TO DO IT.

6:46 your manhood.

6:49 Right.

6:49 You know, there's nothing wrong with you taking care of yourself.

6:54 Exactly.

6:53 and and see men, we got that problem.

6:55 You know, like men can't cry and all that kind of stuff.

6:57 That's bull.

6:58 That was in my day.

6:59 Right.

7:00 The '70s and the '60s and the '50s.

7:01 You can't cry.

7:02 My grandpappy used to always say, "You don't don't cry.

7:04 Don't cry.

7:04 Don't cry.

7:05 Don't cry." He said everything four times.

7:07 Yeah, you you know, you mentioned that.

7:10 [laughter]

7:09 You mentioned You mentioned I read I you know, I was reading through your book.

7:12 You And and you mentioned about your grandfather.

7:14 You said he says everything four times.

7:16 everything four times.

7:16 You know, "Go in and clean your room.

7:18 Your room.

7:19 Clean your room.

7:20 Clean your room." [laughter] I love that.

7:24 Did you ever try and tell him about this?

7:26 Man, you know, I said I said, "Granddaddy, why you say things,

7:29 you know, four times?" "I don't say things four times.

7:31 I don't say things four times." [laughter] "I don't say things four times.

7:36 I don't never say things four times." I mean,

7:39 he he would he had a a he called four times.

7:42 [cough] I got a cold.

7:45 I got a cold.

7:46 I got a cold.

7:49 [laughter] I got a cold.

7:51 [applause] Now, you talk a lot.

7:56 You talk a lot about your humble beginnings,

7:58 how it was tough in the early days or it wasn't a lot of money.

8:02 Wasn't money for things like, you know,

8:03 today, you know, people have health insurance.

8:07 There's no See, you know, see, I still have humble beginnings, you know.

8:10 We didn't have anything,

8:12 so we was always taught even now as my success is is doing well,

8:16 I still value the penny.

8:18 You know, I save every dime.

8:20 I really, really do.

8:21 You know, black folks, you know, we don't we we don't we we look good.

8:25 But we be broke.

8:26 Mhm.

8:27 Right.

8:27 You know, sharp as hell.

8:29 Clothes dangling everything, but ain't got no life insurance.

8:32 Right.

8:33 They ain't got no insurance.

8:33 They might have Geico, you know, Geico or something like that, but Right, right.

8:37 you know, when they when black folks die,

8:38 you got to take up a collection, you know.

8:41 Right, right.

8:41 Light a candle, you know,

8:44 but their hair's done and drive a good car and everything,

8:47 but they ain't got they ain't got no insurance.

8:49 And and you you said once the answer to everything is aspirin.

8:52 Is that true?

8:53 Oh, man, aspirin, man.

8:54 My grandma used to give you aspirin for everything.

8:56 Gunshot wound, you know, give him some aspirin.

9:00 [laughter] HE FELL OUT THE WINDOW, ALL HE NEED IS SOME ASPIRIN.

9:05 [laughter] Gangbangers beat him up, just give him some aspirin.

9:07 Right.

9:08 That's that old stuff, you know.

9:10 Ear aches and stuff, my grandmother would rub her hand on the floor

9:13 and get dust and rub it in your ear.

9:15 What does that do?

9:16 I don't know.

9:16 That's that old southern mentality, you know, they had,

9:19 man, you had a toothache, they get a boiled egg,

9:21 put it in the socket and nail a nail in the corner,

9:24 you know, it's supposed to stop your toothache.

9:26 You know, I called it a witchcraft, you know, but my grandmother [laughter] Man,

9:30 I would get a spanking if I said that out loud, you know.

9:33 This ain't nothing but some old voodoo.

9:34 What you say?

9:35 He said voodoo.

9:36 He said voodoo.

9:37 That what he said, voodoo.

9:39 [laughter] Wait a second.

9:39 Your grandfather would sell you out four times.

9:41 [cheering] That's the problem.

9:45 [applause]

9:44 Now, let's talk about now,

9:46 you just went to this you're in this new movie Bad Santa.

9:49 You just went to see Bad Santa in a movie theater.

9:51 Do you like going to movie theaters or would you rather

9:53 go to like a a private screening or watch it at home?

9:55 I'm kind of torn.

9:56 I don't like private because I don't

9:59 get the the novelty of being with everybody.

10:02 But then on the flip side of that, I

10:03 don't like going to the movies where they be talking.

10:08 You know, and once again, it's my people, you know,

10:10 blacks you know, be talking DON'T GO IN THERE.

10:13 HE STUPID AS HELL.

10:14 HE STUPID.

10:16 DON'T DID HE SEE [laughter] him go up in there?

10:18 DOG, GO ON WHILE HE GO UP IN THERE.

10:22 THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE IT'S ONLY a movie.

10:24 It's only a movie.

10:25 [laughter]

10:25 And you know, now it's it's it's epidemic now because white folks doing it now.

10:28 It's spread to the white community, yeah.

10:30 Don't go in there.

10:31 Don't go IN THERE.

10:33 DOG, GO ON IN THERE WITH THEM THERE.

10:36 YOU KNOW,

10:37 [laughter]

10:37 YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND what's all this talking for, man.

10:40 We supposed to go to a movie to enjoy.

10:43 Yes.

10:43 Yes.

10:44 I mean, all the talking and telling and and and and audience now,

10:47 they they they lazy.

10:48 Mhm.

10:48 It's not like when we was coming up, we had Alfred Hitchcock, The Twilight Zone,

10:52 and you figured it out, you know, dumb Perry Mason, who did it?

10:55 You figured out.

10:56 Right?

10:57 According to the movie, you know, people, who who you think did it?

11:02 [laughter]

11:02 Who you think did it?

11:03 They ask everybody, you know, who did it?

11:05 You know, you [laughter] Who who you think Who do you think did it?

11:09 You just want to know.

11:10 Hell, man.

11:11 No, I know now.

11:12 There's no People need immediate satisfaction.

11:14 I I like I like to really enjoy I'm a movie buff.

11:18 Black and white movies, Bette Davis, all that, man.

11:21 Today movies, the dialogue is is is is shown by explosion and sex.

11:27 You know, they got the woman chest all out.

11:29 You know, we had dialogue, you know, Clark you know, Clark

11:32 Chest all out things, okay?

11:34 Yeah, but but see you didn't know that back then if it was a sex scene,

11:37 you know, they talk about Come here, woman.

11:40 No, you're not going to do that to me.

11:41 I said, "Come here." [laughter] I was able to walk away from you.

11:47 No, you're not going to treat me like that.

11:48 I will treat you any kind of way you want to do.

11:49 No.

11:52 [laughter] STOP IT.

11:59 [applause] AND THEN YOU WENT TO THEN YOU WENT [cheering] TO A COMMERCIAL.

12:01 YEAH.

12:01 And when you came back from a commercial, they were smoking a cigarette.

12:04 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

12:05 You said, "He got it.

12:05 He got it.

12:06 He got it.

12:08 [laughter]

12:07 He got it.

12:08 He got it.

12:08 HE GOT IT.

12:09 HE GOT IT." [applause] [cheering] GIVE ME STOP TELLING [applause] ME NOW WHAT TO

12:16 THOSE WERE THE GOOD DAYS.

12:18 NOW, uh Bad Bad Santa,

12:19 we have a clip here from Bad Santa and I want to set this up a little bit first.

12:22 This is about This is uh Billy Bob Thornton.

12:24 He's not your conventional Santa.

12:26 He is in fact a bad Santa.

12:28 It's good.

12:29 Yeah.

12:29 We have a clip here.

12:30 Let's take a look at this clip from Bad Santa.

12:34 Jews for Jesus.

12:37 Son of a Hey, hey, hey, [laughter] hey, hey, hey.

12:40 Come on.

12:40 Come on.

12:41 Get him out of here.

12:42 I'll go smooth things over with you.

12:43 Get him food or something.

12:44 What do you mean get him out of here?

12:46 Take him to the car.

12:48 In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a dwarf.

12:50 So, unless you got a forklift handy, maybe you should lend a hand, huh?

12:55 We got all kind of set-aside special treatment cuz you're handicapped.

12:58 You're all the same.

12:59 Special treatment is A MATTER OF PHYSICS.

13:01 DRAW me a sketch of how I get him to the car, huh?

13:05 Sketch it up.

13:05 Come on, man.

13:08 Get some lip on you, Put these lips on your white ass night.

13:16 [applause] Bad Santa [cheering] is in theaters now and the new season

13:19 of the uh Bernie Mac Show premiere Sunday night at 8:30 on Fox.

13:24 [applause] Thank you for being here.

13:25 He's a GOOD MAN, BERNIE MAC.

13:27 [cheering] DON CHEADLE COMING UP.

13:27 WE'LL TAKE A BREAK.

13:28 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.