I Let My Hip Hop Heroes Down | Darrin Rose | Comedy In Color | LOL! Stand-Up

0:00 It's very nice of you.

0:01 It's fun to be here.

0:02 Uh I made a terrible decision recently.

0:05 Uh I went on uh I went on vacation like six weeks ago.

0:07 I went to South America and uh I was going to go by myself.

0:10 Just a little uh you know, whatever self-discovery trip.

0:12 And uh the night before I left, my dad emails me and he's like,

0:16 "Hey, you know, you're uh you know, you're going on alone on vacation.

0:20 That could be lonely.

0:22 You know, uh I could go with you." And I thought, "No.

0:28 You imagine anything more horrific?

0:29 Uh, but you know, my dad's old.

0:31 He's like 72 years old now and you know,

0:33 it's like a nice thing and family's important and he's going to die soon.

0:36 So, I thought it would be like nice to, you know,

0:39 you know, father son bonding time.

0:40 And so, my dad comes with me and I went

0:43 on an 11-day tour of South America with my father.

0:46 11 days, which is how I learned the maximum amount of time

0:49 I can stand to spend with my father is 4 hours.

0:53 That was it.

0:54 We're still in the airport and I was like, this was a mistake.

0:57 That's I don't feel good about this.

0:59 We go we tour around all day and then

1:01 we go for dinner at night and you know just

1:03 a whole day with my dad and the waiter be like can I get you a glass of wine?

1:06 I'll take the bottle please.

1:07 You know like your parents my dad doesn't drink but you know

1:10 your parents all judgy and they get into your business and stuff.

1:13 Hey you had enough.

1:13 You think you had enough there?

1:15 You had enough?

1:15 Think you had enough?

1:16 And I was like I can still hear you.

1:18 So no.

1:22 It was terrible man.

1:23 It was terrible man.

1:24 Uh, I'm a big hip-hop fan.

1:27 I've been listening to hip-hop since I was a child.

1:29 And uh, like rappers have been asking me

1:31 to get that money for like 25 years straight.

1:34 And I'm starting to think I have let them down personally.

1:38 Every year they sit down, come up with a new shopping list in song form.

1:42 I never bought anything they asked me to buy.

1:44 Like Jay-Z is probably my favorite rapper.

1:45 Never bought anything he asked me to buy.

1:47 I never bought a Motorola two-way pager.

1:49 Uh, I never bought a chinchilla fur coat.

1:51 New watch alert.

1:52 I have one watch.

1:53 I bought it at the mall in 2007 cuz it was on sale,

1:56 but Jay-Z never raps about the great discounts at Marshalls.

1:59 It's the worst, man.

2:00 I don't like people who drink only bottled

2:04 water because it's like a fancier thing to do.

2:06 Like somebody comes to my house and they're just like, "Hey,

2:08 can I get a water?" Like, "Yeah, yeah, I just have tap water.

2:13 Never mind." Oh, really?

2:14 Oh, I'm sorry, Mark Zuckerberg.

2:16 I didn't realize you were so wealthy

2:18 these days that you only drink bottled water.

2:21 Like it's such a weird thing to be pretentious about cuz bottled

2:24 water is a $1.50 you[ __] Like what are you bragging about?

2:28 Just like people say I only drink bottled water.

2:30 Like they're saying I only travel by hydroof foil.

2:33 Oh is that true?

2:34 You James Bond villain?

2:36 Really?

2:36 Like it's such a like I have this whole other system

2:39 that I use where I get the government to hold back a little

2:42 bit of money from each one of my paychecks and I get

2:43 them to build this whole system of pipes and reservoirs and safety checks.

2:46 They bring the water right into my house where

2:49 I'm standing like I'm the ballest guy on earth.

2:51 But Jay-Z never raps about the public water system.

2:54 So that's terrible.

2:56 Here's a bit of advice for you if you're dating.

2:59 Uh uh don't say I love you first.

3:02 That's a solid piece of advice, man.

3:04 Cuz here's the problem.

3:04 If you say I love you, you know how you like you feel it?

3:07 like you feel I don't know who says it more like men

3:09 or women or whatever but I feel like women feel it first because

3:14 you like you have a emotions and uh [laughter] you guys you

3:19 feel it like bubbling up inside like oh my god I think I

3:24 love him I think it's love I'm pretty sure it's love I

3:27 think I feel at the Cosmo quiz it said it was love I

3:30 should tell them I should tell don't tell them all right because

3:33 it's gonna ruin everything because if you say I love you to somebody,

3:37 they're going to say, "I love you, too." Unless you hate the other person.

3:41 Like, we have no socially acceptable alternatives.

3:43 There's no like, "I love you." Cool.

3:45 [laughter] You can't.

3:46 So, you're going to get I love you, too.

3:49 But now, you never know if it was real.

3:51 You have no idea cuz I love you and I love you too, they sound the same.

3:54 But I love you too is like a Louis Vuitton bag you bought in Chinatown.

3:58 It's not real.

4:00 How many people in this room are married?

4:05 What are the rest of you guys doing with your lives?

4:08 Eight married people and just a whole bunch of lonely[

4:11 __] in this room just like I just hoping to meet.

4:14 Is this a singles mixer?

4:15 Cuz I'm hoping to meet somebody.

4:17 How long you guys been together right here?

4:19 You're married, right?

4:20 Nine years today.

4:21 Nine years today.

4:22 You came here on your anniversary.

4:24 Happy anniversary.

4:25 [applause] Oh, that's lovely.

4:27 There's a there's a stereotype when people are together for a long

4:32 time uh that women always want to like change their man.

4:34 Just do a little like home renovation project to make him a better man.

4:37 And uh guys always want their lady to stay the same.

4:40 That's a stereotype.

4:41 But like what's one what's your name, dear?

4:43 Franka.

4:43 Franka.

4:43 Uh what's one thing you changed about

4:44 your husband just off the top of your head?

4:49 Look at that expression.

4:51 She did this like he wasn't going to see that gesture.

5:00 Just just one thing.

5:01 It's just It's fine.

5:01 Just one thing you can say.

5:07 I'll tell you one thing I know, Franka.

5:08 Uh the answer no is not nearly the same as the answer nothing.

5:15 [cheering] [applause] That's two different answers.

5:26 Frank, I'm so sorry.

5:28 What would you change about Frank, man?

5:30 What would you change?

5:32 Nothing.

5:32 I gave you the answer already.

5:34 It's easy.

5:34 You waited it out.

5:36 [laughter] But I do, but it is a stereotype that women want to change

5:39 their man and guys just want their lady to stay the same.

5:42 Uh, but it's it's a stereotype.

5:43 I do think there's some truth to it.

5:45 Uh, but it's not gender based, right?

5:46 Well, it is gender based, but we're not born like this.

5:49 It's not in our DNA.

5:50 We get socialized into this behavior because we

5:52 play with different toys when we're little kids, right?

5:55 Cuz women, when you're little girls,

5:56 you play with Barbies and you get your Barbie out of the box like,

5:58 "Oh my god, Barbie, I love you so much.

6:00 We're going to have so much fun together as soon as I get you new

6:04 clothes and accessories that make you different

6:06 and better." And guys don't do that, man.

6:08 Like, I take my Spider-Man out of the box and I accept him for who he is, right?

6:14 And I don't put a cape on him to see

6:15 if maybe it makes me like him more or anything.

6:17 And actually with boys toys, you can't even change the clothes.

6:19 Boys toys clothes come painted on.

6:21 You don't have an option.

6:23 You have to accept what you've been given.

6:26 Like if you have a Batman action figure and you want him to have a jetpack,

6:31 you're out of luck, right?

6:32 You have to go back to Toys R Us

6:34 and get a different action figure that is jetpack Batman.

6:37 He's a different guy.

6:38 All right.

6:39 And whatever you're looking for, there's a guy out there for you.

6:42 There's jetpack Batman and underwater Batman.

6:43 And he knows the difference between no and nothing Batman.

6:46 Like whatever you need, you can find.

6:49 And of course, you can go home and find your little, you know,

6:52 make your little home renovation project and make

6:54 a little homemade jetpack for your Batman, but it's going to be shitty, right?

7:01 Just a pale imitation of what you really want.

7:03 This guy's walking around with an elastic and a toilet paper roll on his back.

7:09 It's embarrassing.

7:09 And it's it's the Kendall, ladies.

7:12 That's what ruined your expectations.

7:13 When you were young,

7:14 you got the Kendall out of the box and you're like, "Oh my god,

7:17 I can change his little clothes and make him exactly who I want."

7:19 You're a prince or you're a cowboy or like whatever your thing is.

7:22 And then you dated a full-size man and you thought the same trick would work.

7:26 You're like, "I'm going to change his big clothes, make him exactly who I want.

7:29 You're a guy with a job or like

7:31 whatever your thing is." [applause] And the problem is,

7:36 ladies, is you are mistaking clothing for behavior.

7:38 And those are two very different things cuz just understand that as guys,

7:42 we will wear the sweater you bought us,

7:44 but we will wear it at a strip club while forgetting your birthday.

7:48 All right, you guys were lovely.

7:50 Happy anniversary to Pranka.

7:51 [cheering] [music]