Brooklyn 99 Completely Random Absolutely Zero Context Moments

0:00 I got this one red door I've never been

0:02 able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes.

0:06 But it's probably just the wind.

0:08 Dear God.

0:12 Die!

0:13 Die!

0:14 I'll wrap MY SUIT AROUND YOUR FACE.

0:17 GUYS, we are friends.

0:19 Aw, I LOVE YOU GUYS.

0:24 [screaming] HELLO SIR.

0:24 SORRY AGAIN for tying you spread eagle on the bed.

0:27 Apology not accepted.

0:31 OH, HEY BABE.

0:34 [screaming] OH, IT'S ME, JAKE.

0:35 I'M JUST WORKING.

0:36 WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

0:37 DOING?

0:37 WHY DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?

0:38 WHY AM I COVERED in red post-its?

0:40 That's blood.

0:41 You're the corpse.

0:42 Jake, [screaming] who is that?

0:44 Franco McCoy, CSI.

0:45 He's helping me with the case.

0:46 For the record, I think it's weird that I'm here, too.

0:48 Both of you, get out.

0:50 Yeah, sounds good.

0:50 So, here we all are, finally relaxing as a squad together in the tub.

0:55 It's fun, huh?

0:56 I can't hear anyone.

0:58 Can we please turn off the jets?

0:59 Yeah.

1:05 That's better.

1:06 No more disturbed water.

1:08 Good call.

1:09 Wow, without the bubbles you can really see everything.

1:12 Eyes up here, Peralta.

1:15 I don't know, Jake.

1:16 I'm afraid I'm going to think about it every time I look at your crotch.

1:18 Then stop looking AT MY CROTCH.

1:22 I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT AT MY PLACE.

1:23 GOD, I hate you.

1:24 Don't be late.

1:27 What's my name?

1:27 Terry Jeffords.

1:28 What is my name?

1:30 The Ebony Falcon.

1:31 And what does the Ebony Falcon do?

1:33 Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety.

1:36 Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.

1:39 Hell yeah, he does.

1:40 Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex,

1:42 so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits.

1:45 You should feel these.

1:46 They're like two baseball bases.

1:49 Make them pop, daddy.

1:50 Daddy's not sure this is the time.

1:51 Do it, daddy.

1:53 Ooh.

1:53 Ow.

1:54 Ooh.

1:55 Time for me to get out there and spread my wings.

1:58 Get out there and spread my legs?

2:00 Pregnant.

2:01 Nice.

2:02 Means you had sex.

2:03 Damn right I did, and I forgot my birth control.

2:06 Yeah.

2:07 Okay, I've got something.

2:09 That's not Brandon's profile, it's mine.

2:11 I just want a quick peek at your attendance record.

2:13 Zero absences.

2:15 Oh, [sighs] mama.

2:16 Printing this for later.

2:18 keep it in your pants, Santiago.

2:19 Oh, that's exactly where it's going.

2:22 This babe needs a C in her A.

2:24 Oh my god.

2:25 This babe needs a coconut in her arms.

2:28 Oh, I thought you were saying this needs a Oh my god.

2:32 Yeah, that was my reaction.

2:33 All right, I'll go get us a couple of coconuts.

2:36 Oops.

2:37 Sorry.

2:38 Can't even float right.

2:39 Just push me away.

2:41 Everyone else does.

2:42 A few years back I had a minor addiction specifically involving the ponies.

2:47 I'd like to bet $20,000 on Yabba Dabba Doo.

2:54 9 hours and 55 minutes.

2:56 Is it?

2:56 Feel like I just sat down.

2:58 I have no feeling down here whatsoever.

3:02 I haven't in years.

3:04 Hey guys, I'm just coming from work with my friend Billy Hanukkah.

3:08 Hanukkah?

3:07 It's fine.

3:08 Kids don't know what names are weird.

3:09 Nikolaj, say hi to Jake and this stranger.

3:11 Hi Jake, I love you.

3:12 Nice to meet you, Mr.

3:13 Hanukkah.

3:14 I love you, too.

3:15 Oh man, he really is a boy, isn't he?

3:16 Hello, my little friend.

3:17 Did you have good day at school?

3:19 We had computer class today.

3:20 I am your father.

3:21 My name is [music] Gintars.

3:22 You are my son.

3:23 Why is the man saying he's my father?

3:25 Mr.

3:26 Hanukkah is crazy.

3:26 He has no children of his own and driven him mad.

3:29 I'm your father, Nikolaj.

3:30 It's pronounced Nikolaj.

3:31 Nikolaj.

3:32 Nikolaj.

3:33 Nikolaj.

3:33 Nikolaj.

3:33 Nikolaj.

3:34 Nikolaj.

3:34 Nikolaj.

3:35 Nikolaj.

3:35 Nikolaj.

3:36 It's okay, you say it wrong.

3:37 Okay, well that was fun.

3:38 Hey, uh why don't you go play over there, buddy?

3:41 You can take this drugstore receipt.

3:43 It's very long and filled with coupons you can fly it around like A KITE.

3:47 WHEE!

3:49 [screaming] WOW, kids are really basic.

3:49 Is being a dad super easy?

3:51 Good afternoon, may I help you?

3:52 Uh we're here all the time.

3:53 Get familiar with these faces or get familiar with the unemployment line.

3:57 I'm so sorry, but I have to check you in.

3:59 I need a member number.

4:01 have my member number with me.

4:03 It's too bad you can't just use my Amex black card.

4:05 Oh, that's great.

4:06 We can use that.

4:07 You can?

4:08 Well, you think I carry around my own wallet?

4:12 [laughter] I'm sorry, sir.

4:15 If you could just give me a name, that would be great.

4:17 I'll give you a name.

4:18 Pamplemousse LaCroix.

4:20 I'm so sorry, Miss LaCroix.

4:22 You're not in the system.

4:23 This is ridiculous.

4:24 You know what?

4:25 Call daddy.

4:26 Daddy'll get us in.

4:28 Daddy, the man won't let us into the club.

4:31 Oh.

4:31 Yes, daddy.

4:32 No, daddy.

4:32 No.

4:33 Daddy wants to speak with you.

4:35 Gladly.

4:35 Hello, daddy.

4:36 Yes, daddy.

4:37 No, daddy.

4:39 Daddy.

4:40 Oh, what a good question, daddy.

4:41 Daddy wants to get this young man fired.

4:44 What is your first and last name?

4:45 Come on, show me what you got.

4:49 Fred Astaire, Gene Kelly, Liberace, Diane Keaton.

4:52 Roger that.

4:56 Okay, Charles, you're not Scottish.

4:59 Yeah, get back in there, brave heart.

5:01 Summer linen suit.

5:02 Casual, but classic.

5:04 Actually not bad.

5:06 One question.

5:07 Can you see my underwear?

5:08 Ah, thong.

5:09 Why are you wearing a thong?

5:15 Leave me alone!

5:16 Leave me alone!

5:17 [screaming] What the You'll never get me alive!

5:20 Help!

5:20 Help!

5:21 Somebody call the police!

5:22 Take her.

5:23 Take her.

5:23 Get her to me.

5:26 No, don't hurt me.

5:27 Don't hurt Oh, it's you.

5:30 Yeah, it's us.

5:31 Get in the van.

5:32 Oh, okay.

5:34 Ow!

5:35 Ow!

5:36 [screaming and groaning]

5:41 Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

5:43 Desk brother.

5:44 I don't think so.

5:45 This is just temporary.

5:47 That's what I said.

5:48 Join us, Jake.

5:50 You know you want to.

5:52 We're going to Wing[ __] Thank god.

5:56 Detective Scully, you're up.

5:58 Oh, uh Okay.

6:00 Um No.

6:01 You know what?

6:02 We'll do this over the phone.

6:03 Oh, Raymond.

6:04 Coat, coat, jacket, coat.

6:07 Is this a police precinct or a Turkish bazaar?

6:11 What the HELL DO YOU WANT, TROY?

6:12 JUST STOLE MY SPOT, YOU SON OF A[ __] OH, GO ON, GET OUT OF HERE.

6:15 YOU'RE JUST A CHILD.

6:17 YOU'RE BEING ILLEGAL.

6:17 GIVE ME A BREAK.

6:19 I'M GOING TO CALL THE COPS.

6:19 OH, YOU'RE GOING TO CALL THE COPS?

6:20 I AM THE COPS.

6:22 WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO YOUR GARBAGE TRUCK AND COOK SOME PUDDING?

6:25 YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET THIS.

6:26 KILL YOURSELF, TROY.

6:28 JAKE, I have a confession to make.

6:30 The food truck is kind of stressing me out.

6:32 20.2 kilos.

6:34 Feel like we could round up to 21.

6:36 Or we could round down to 20, take the extra 0.2, sell it to our friends.

6:48 [laughter] Hello.

6:50 You know what?

6:50 I'm trying to keep this line open so I don't have time for your bull crap.

6:54 Goodbye, mom.

6:57 But I do have some good news in three, two.

7:00 Pocket donut.

7:01 No!

7:03 It's everywhere.

7:05 Back up.

7:10 Terry loves yogurt.

7:13 You crying?

7:16 I deserved that.

7:18 Out of my way, chunk.

7:20 And when this is over,

7:21 I'm going to find you and I'm going [music] to break those little fingers.

7:25 Miss Diaz, please stop threatening the sonographer.

7:28 [music] There's 27 miles of pneumatic tubes

7:31 under the city connecting all the precincts.

7:33 Guys, you really think they still work?

7:36 Oh, I THINK THEY STILL [groaning] [screaming] [screaming] OH!

7:49 GIVE ME THAT, TERRY.

7:52 GIVE ME THAT, JAKE.

7:53 JAKE!

7:54 HELP ME!

7:57 LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO TAKE DOWN THE LATVIAN MOB.

8:00 Hell yeah, WE ARE.

8:04 IS IT BLEEDING?

8:06 CHARLES IS BLEEDING.

8:07 I want a band-aid.

8:09 Okay, we have a few more questions for you, doctor.

8:12 Doctor, huh?

8:14 It's funny when people call dentists doctor.

8:16 We are doctors.

8:17 We do 4 years of medical school.

8:18 No, it's called dental school.

8:20 But we learn about the entire body.

8:21 Yeah, but if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.

8:23 You know what?

8:23 It's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.

8:26 Why?

8:26 Because there are fewer dental schools.

8:28 Cuz most people want to become actual doctors.

8:30 That's ridiculous.

8:32 It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves doctors.

8:34 That's the same thing, my friend.

8:35 I'm sure it is.

8:36 When someone has a heart attack on a plane,

8:37 do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody have an art history PhD?"

8:40 A PhD is a doctorate.

8:42 It's literally describing a doctor.

8:46 refocus.

8:45 No, the problem here is that medical

8:47 practitioners have co-opted the word doctor.

8:49 Okay, Captain.

8:50 I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything,

8:53 AND NOBODY EVEN CARES ABOUT ETYMOLOGY.

8:58 [sighs] APPARENTLY, that's a trigger for me.

8:59 Yeah.

9:00 Apparently.

9:01 So, I forgot to put up the posters and no one came,

9:03 but don't worry because I donated five pints all by myself.

9:09 So, you heroically fought off three guys and that put you in a bad mood?

9:13 If I did that, I would literally write a song about myself.

9:15 It'd be like, "Jake the hero, abs of steel, sha la la la." Great news, everyone.

9:22 We just got our first lead on our first case on my first night back,

9:25 proving once and for all that absolutely nothing has changed.

9:31 Yeah, this opens in instead of out.

9:33 Now, they switched it a month ago.

9:34 Yeah, so the door changed, sure, but that's it.

9:37 Okay, muchachos.

9:39 Let's roll up on these muchachos.

9:42 Great start, and I love your double use of muchachos.

9:44 Hey, it's CJ, by the way.

9:47 I'm not backing down this time.

9:49 I'm backing up.

9:51 Beep.

9:52 Beep.

9:53 Beep.

9:55 Hey, Jake.

9:56 Guess what?

9:57 You make cocaine sound so cool, I decided to try it.

9:59 But I didn't want to overdo it, so I only did like a tiny little toot.

10:02 Then I didn't feel anything,

10:03 so I did like a little bit more and I still didn't feel anything,

10:05 so then I did a lot more and then I felt it like I really felt it.

10:08 So then I did a couple more like big ass toots.

10:10 Why do you guys keep ducking behind the bed?

10:11 keep pointing those guns at us.

10:13 Oh my god, do not worry about it.

10:15 It's all right, fine.

10:16 I think we have to fight her.

10:18 We're not going to fight her.

10:19 She's the devil, and you don't dance with the devil because you get burned.

10:23 Also, because in Madeline's case,

10:25 she has no rhythm and her hands are like little rat claws.

10:27 I was double checking last month's surveillance photos and I noticed this.

10:31 Hawkins has two different phones, her normal cell and then this one that only

10:35 has one app on the home screen, Snapchat.

10:37 Oh, she's up to something.

10:39 Snapchat messages disappear.

10:41 You can send anything to anybody and after they see it,

10:44 it's like I never sent it.

10:45 Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

10:48 Could we put a mirroring app on her phone so we could watch everything she does?

10:51 No, those work great, but you have to physically have her phone to install it.

10:55 Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

10:57 And Mario is doing it with Teresa.

11:00 Teresa is doing it with Paulie.

11:03 I knew that.

11:04 Paulie is doing it with Lisa and Lisa's doing it with Anthony.

11:09 I really like this song.

11:10 Did you come up with the melody?

11:11 I'm pretty sure I did.

11:12 Freddy is cheating with Bianca G, but also with her younger sister, Valerie.

11:19 No.

11:20 When I feel a food crave,

11:21 I would dunk my head into ice water and reset my brain.

11:26 WATCH ME.

11:32 I'M ALL GOOD.

11:34 HEY, HEY, YEAH.

11:35 YOU TRY.

11:35 OKAY.

11:37 NOW!

11:41 DO IT AGAIN!

11:45 IT'S SO COLD.

11:45 IT'S REALLY COLD.

11:46 LAST TIME!

11:51 I'VE LEARNED SOME truly horrible things tonight.

11:53 You were right and I was wrong.

11:55 Goodness.

11:56 Boyle is sleeping with Gina?

11:57 What?

11:58 How could you possibly know that?

11:59 You were right and I was wrong.

12:01 You must have been shaken to your core to say that to me.

12:04 Boyle is your most trusted friend, so he has to be involved.

12:06 Your use of the word horrible leads me

12:08 to believe that the matter was sexual in nature, given your obvious immaturity.

12:12 I've had sex.

12:13 And of course, you would be most upset if Boyle

12:16 were to have slept with someone you knew from your childhood,

12:18 thus the solve, Gina.

12:21 And Charles.

12:22 That was amazing.

12:23 Will you be Scary Terry?

12:25 Oh, I love being Scary Terry.

12:27 He says what regular Terry's thinking.

12:29 THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG.

12:31 I'M GOING TO MISS THE FARMER'S MARKET.

12:33 BUT I'M TOO BUSY.

12:34 I'VE GOT A SPECIAL case I'm working on.

12:37 Hitchcock, Boyle needs you to fill out a lineup.

12:39 Oh, great.

12:40 I'll take my shirt off.

12:41 No one asked you to take your shirt off.

12:42 Stop volunteering to take your shirt off.

12:44 I can't hear you.

12:45 Shirt's over my ears.

12:47 Oh, what do we have here?

12:49 A 34-year-old Caucasian male who is dead, very dead.

12:54 Mhm.

12:54 Cause of death?

12:55 Initial assessment, blunt force trauma.

12:58 But what do I find when I probe a little farther?

13:01 Bruising around the neck and ocean water in the lungs.

13:05 Ooh, how long have you been dead, body?

13:07 4 days.

13:08 Gross, bloating, odors.

13:10 Uh 24 hours.

13:12 [music] Perfect.

13:15 Here we go.

13:17 Hey Jake, question for you.

13:19 When I beat you, which victory dance should I do?

13:21 This one?

13:25 Or this one?

13:28 Oh, wow.

13:29 Okay.

13:32 Both are examples of victory dances.

13:35 No comeback?

13:36 After I burned you with those moves?

13:39 You must be pretty nervous.

13:41 Yep.

13:43 Oop, open up.

13:44 I gave you the keys?

13:45 Oh, right.

13:45 Um Oh, no, where did I put them?

13:47 Let's see, I had them in my left hand and then I went to open the trunk,

13:50 so I switched to my right hand.

13:52 Oh, but then I had to sneeze and I thought,

13:54 I don't want to sneeze on these keys, Dr.

13:55 Seuss.

13:56 Not really, but should be.

13:57 Do not sneeze on my keys.

13:58 Do not wheeze on my keys.

14:00 Do not sneeze on your knees on my keys, if you please.

14:04 Jake, could you please move along with this talk, Jordan?

14:05 Yep, right, sorry.

14:06 Okay, so then I put them on top of a plastic tub,

14:08 which is locked inside the car.

14:12 The keys are locked INSIDE THE CAR.

14:14 WHY?

14:16 BRING IN THE JOHNS.

14:18 I ran a prostitution sting through Vice and arrested 30 guys for soliciting.

14:22 That's not a felony.

14:23 It is when it's your second offense,

14:24 which is the case for 10 of these gentlemen.

14:27 Fun fact, four of them are actually named John.

14:30 Ironic.

14:31 Anyhoo, 10 more for Peralta, accept your fate.

14:34 Never.

14:34 Five, four, three, two, one, Jake wins, Amy loses.

14:49 Look!

14:56 Amy Santiago, you have made me the happiest man on Earth.

15:00 I spent one whole dollar on this ring.

15:03 Will you go on the worst date ever with me?

15:04 You have to say yes.

15:07 Yes.

15:07 She said yes!

15:09 She said yes!

15:11 Screw you.

15:19 Why is this happening?

15:21 I CAN'T TAME MY THOUGHTS.

15:23 ALL RIGHT, you got it?

15:24 Yeah.

15:26 No problem.

15:27 you just use YOUR OTHER HAND?

15:33 AH, AH, COLD MILK, COLD MILK.

15:38 OH, it's coming out the bottom.

15:39 It is coming out the bottom.

15:41 I've got you on tape, Kelly.

15:42 You're screwed.

15:43 The only thing that's going to be on your desk

15:44 in the morning is a list of my demands.

15:46 Operation Triple Dragon is complete.

15:48 You named it?

15:49 Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym.

15:53 Two righteous individuals performing law enforcement

15:56 directives rapidly against Gordon, our nemesis.

15:58 Triple Dragon.

15:59 THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED.

16:02 I mean, not for you, obviously.

16:05 [music] It's bad for you.

16:05 Jake, you got to see this.

16:07 There's something going on here, something a little hairy.

16:12 Nope.

16:13 Don't see anything out of the ordinary.

16:14 Really?

16:15 Oh, maybe I should frame the question differently.

16:19 Terry, do you notice anything?

16:22 Amy.

16:24 New shirt?

16:25 Oh, come on, guys.

16:26 I grew a goatee and it looks amazing and I know you can see it.

16:29 Of course we can see it, Charles.

16:31 It's horrible.

16:31 It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.

16:34 Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the don't talk to strangers poster.

16:38 No, I don't.

16:39 Now you're talking about your new goatee?

16:41 Mhm.

16:41 I think it's a good choice for your face.

16:43 Come over here so I can take a better look.

16:44 Thank you, Captain.

16:45 I knew you'd appreciate Bianca.

16:47 That's right.

16:47 I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin, Bianca.

16:52 Jeffers Peralta?

16:53 No.

16:54 Mhm?

16:56 Say goodbye TO BIANCA, BOYLE.

16:59 ROSA, HOW ARE THE FLOWERS?

17:01 I DON'T KNOW.

17:02 YELLOW.

17:03 WHAT?

17:06 NO.

17:07 You were behind all this?

17:09 You played me.

17:11 Like Claus Blumeheim plays the flute.

17:15 I'm not Captain Holt.

17:16 I'm Joe Wozniak, here to see my girl in prison and to help me pass as straight.

17:23 Kevin's rose hearing aid.

17:26 Ah, loop hole.

17:28 Loop hole.

17:29 Loop hole.

17:32 We are getting aggravated.

17:33 So, how was your night of work?

17:36 I'm not asking about your personal life.

17:37 I don't care about you personally.

17:39 I mean, I'm neutral.

17:40 I mean, who are you?

17:41 Floundering is worse than silence.

17:44 Oh, cool.

17:44 Go, go, go, go, go, cool, cool.

17:46 No doubt, no doubt, no doubt.

17:50 Man, this elevator's slow, huh?

17:51 That's because you haven't pressed the button.

17:56 That's why you're the captain.

18:00 [snorts] I'm going to just zoop.

18:03 I know my technique.

18:06 Can I help you?

18:07 I'm just trying to work up the nerve to see her.

18:09 See who?

18:10 My female wife, Crystal.

18:12 I was cheating on her with a waitress from Wing[ __] named Jamie-Lynn.

18:16 One night when I was philandering,

18:20 Crystal caught me kissing Jamie-Lynn's heavy breasts.

18:24 She flew into a rage and now she's serving five years for aggravated assault.

18:28 Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.

18:30 Yeah, thanks, man.

18:31 Hey, bring it in.

18:34 And yes, sometimes you have to come up with a creative solution.

18:38 And sometimes just a bunch of dudes need to get into a room and just Take that.

18:44 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

18:47 That's not the lesson here.

18:49 Okay, Captain.

18:53 Damn it, Boyle.

18:54 You left the fridge open.

18:55 The door couldn't shut because of your empty pizza box.

18:58 Pizza, please.

18:58 This is a butternut squash and truffle butter flatbread.

19:01 Everything's spoiled.

19:02 My lunch is ruined.

19:04 My chicken, my potatoes, my pasta, my meatballs, ham, my yogurt.

19:12 I love yogurt.

19:13 I love yogurt.

19:14 So, this is your lunch for like the month?

19:17 I need to eat 10,000 calories a day to maintain muscle mass.

19:20 My wife made me all of this before she left town with the kids.

19:23 That was everything in my fridge.

19:25 Scully.

19:26 Hey, Sarge.

19:27 I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.

19:29 Oh, no.

19:30 Where is it?

19:30 No, I don't.

19:31 Is it in your pocket?

19:32 Oh, come on.

19:33 I'm going to shake it out of your pockets.

19:35 Turn around.

19:36 Sarge.

19:37 Sarge!

19:38 Go limp, Scully.

19:39 Oh, wow.

19:40 This is fun.

19:41 Release your sweets.

19:45 Freeze!

19:46 NYPD.

19:47 Is that Raymond Holt I see?

19:49 You haven't changed a bit.

19:51 Neither have you, Ernest.

19:52 What?

19:53 Neither have you, Ernest.

19:56 What?

19:56 Neither have you, Ernest.

20:00 Ugh, this is hard to watch.

20:02 You're just as devious as ever.

20:04 You seduced the van driver, didn't you?

20:06 No, I seduced the van driver.

20:08 She couldn't resist my groovy voodoo.

20:10 And the yo-yo string was a message.

20:13 The what was a what?

20:14 The yo-yo string was Captain, this is embarrassing.

20:18 Can we just take him in?

20:21 [snorts] Yeah, you're right.

20:21 This isn't what I'd hoped for.

20:22 Go ahead and cuff him.

20:23 Gently.

20:24 This isn't the last you'll hear from me, Raymond.

20:27 I'm never going to die.

20:28 Sure you won't.

20:28 Whatever makes you feel better.

20:29 No, you're the punk.

20:35 [music] [music]