Trump Making Calls Cold Open - SNL

0:03 -All right, are you listening?

0:06 Okay.

0:06 -I think I'll start with "Open the effing Strait, you crazy bastards,

0:11 or you'll be living in hell." And then at the end,

0:14 maybe throw in "Praise be to Allah." -You think I should type,

0:19 "Praise be to Allah"?

0:20 And that's from...

0:21 that's from you, the president of the United States?

0:24 -Yes, yes, Allah.

0:25 They say, "Allah." It's a sarcastic attack on the world's largest religion.

0:30 They famously have a great sense of humor about that kind of stuff.

0:34 -As your press secretary, this puts me in a tough position, sir.

0:38 -Oh, don't worry about that, Karoline.

0:40 Like I said to Pam Bondi and Kristi Noem right before I fired them,

0:44 "You're doing a terrific job!" -Thank you, sir.

0:48 I love you, too.

0:52 -All three of those were played by Ashley.

0:54 It's an interesting detail.

0:56 There are a lot of important things happening in the world right now,

1:00 and I have to make some urgent phone calls.

1:05 Line ringing] -Hello?

1:10 -Tiger?

1:10 It's Donald.

1:11 What's going on, buddy?

1:13 Are you playing in the Masters this weekend?

1:15 -Uh, no, sir.

1:17 I don't know if you'll remember, but I, uh, flipped my car and got a DUI.

1:20 -Oh, right, a "Dewey," as in "Do he drive on pills?

1:26 Yes, he do." -That's a good one, Mr.

1:29 President.

1:29 -You should have told the cops we were friends.

1:32 He would have let you off.

1:33 -Well, I did, and they didn't.

1:35 -Ah!

1:35 If only there was something I could have done to help.

1:39 Oh, well!

1:40 Want to play some golf?

1:42 -I'm actually at a rehab facility in Switzerland at the moment.

1:45 -Oh, and how's the course there?

1:47 -Oh, well, actually, there's no golf.

1:49 You see, I don't know why...

1:51 -Okay.

1:52 Who else?

1:53 Cellphone ringing] Oh, wait.

1:54 Who is this?

1:55 I don't recognize the number.

1:57 Hello?

1:58 -Hello, Donald.

2:00 -Melania?

2:01 You're calling me?

2:02 That's not a good sign.

2:04 -Listen.

2:04 I decided I should do a big,

2:07 random speech completely out of nowhere and say I am not Epstein victim.

2:13 Is that good?

2:14 -Uh, darling, I gotta admit, that sounds a little insane.

2:17 Who are you?

2:19 Me?

2:20 -Well, it's not just Epstein.

2:21 I thought I could also say I, Melania Trump,

2:25 in no way helped out the Gilgo Beach serial killer.

2:30 That way, no one is suspicious.

2:33 -Darling, I think that's gonna make everyone way more suspicious.

2:37 -Okay, okay.

2:38 What if I announce I barely partied with Diddy?

2:42 Would that help?

2:43 -You know, Melania, I'd really love to talk more,

2:46 but I have a meeting with, uh, Ronald Reagan.

2:51 Let's see.

2:52 Anything else I'm forgetting?

2:53 There's gotta be something.

2:55 Oh, right.

2:55 The war.

2:57 Hey, now you're an all-star♪♪ Get your game on, go play♪♪ Hey,

3:02 now, you're an all-star...

3:09 -What?!

3:10 -Pete, it's President Trump.

3:12 Wassup?!

3:13 -Wassup?!

3:15 Remember that in the '90s?

3:17 -Sorry, Mr.

3:17 President.

3:17 I didn't know it was you.

3:18 It just said unknown caller.

3:20 So I figured I'd just answer and say a couple military secrets.

3:24 -That's wonderful.

3:25 That's great.

3:25 So, what's the latest on that whole thing we're doing in Iran?

3:29 -Well, rest assured, sir,

3:31 Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night, allegedly.

3:36 We destroyed everything.

3:37 We wet their willies, tapped their sacs, and purpled every single nurple.

3:42 You also probably heard that I want to start a draft again,

3:45 which is a great sign for the ceasefire.

3:48 Yeah, except this time we're fighting millennial

3:50 cringe by letting 40-year-olds join the military.

3:54 Yeah, put that finger mustache to work pulling a trigger.

3:57 -Really good.

3:59 Really good.

4:00 That's great.

4:01 That one for sure hits with me.

4:04 -But, sir, you know, I gotta ask.

4:06 Is it true what I heard?

4:07 Are you actually negotiating with these Herbs?

4:09 -You know what?

4:10 Don't worry about the negotiations.

4:12 I just heard they're going really, really bad.

4:15 I sent in my secret weapon, J.D.

4:18 Vance.

4:18 After those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to J.D.,

4:21 they said, "Please, sir, just go back to bombing us." -Yeah.

4:26 Very good, sir.

4:28 Even hearing about someone getting bombed just got me hard as hell.

4:32 -That's great.

4:32 That's great.

4:33 I'm bricked, as well.

4:35 All right, well, keep up the good work, Pete.

4:37 And hey, if you think of a good reason why we went to war,

4:40 could you let me know?

4:42 -Well, you know, honestly, sir, if I were you,

4:44 I'd probably just tell them, "We did it all for the nookie." -What?

4:48 -The nookie!

4:48 -Come on.

4:50 -So we can take that oil and stick it in our cars.

4:52 Stick it in our cars!

4:53 -Cars!

4:53 -Stick it in our cars!

4:54 -Cars!

4:55 $7 a gallon.

4:56 Hegseth, out.

4:57 -And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"!