Maddy Kelly Stand Up: Tickling and Consent, Worshipping Hilary Duff | The Tonight Show

0:00 -Our next guest is performing at the Punch

0:02 Line San Francisco, May 12th and 13th.

0:05 Making her "Tonight Show" debut, please welcome the very funny Maddy Kelly.

0:10 Cheers and applause]♪♪ -Hi!

0:18 Cheers and applause continue] How's everyone doing tonight?!

0:25 Cheers and applause] Thank you all so much.

0:29 I'm Maddy.

0:29 I'm 29.

0:30 I think people think I'm younger than that because

0:33 they keep asking me if I'm in school.

0:36 All the time, "Are you in school?" No, I do stand-up comedy.

0:40 "Okay.

0:42 You should be in school." The other thing

0:46 about me is I'm half Irish and half Indian.

0:49 Completely equal split, 50/50.

0:51 But to be honest, I kind of identify with the Irish side more.

0:56 I know.

0:58 Just for an Indian person, I'm not very successful.

1:04 You guys are like, "No,

1:05 you're on 'The Tonight Show.'" Indian people don't prize stand-up comedy.

1:11 They're not trying to get their kids to be doctors,

1:13 lawyers, engineers, or podcasters.

1:17 But for an Irish person, I'm kind of killin' it.

1:20 Cheers and applause] My boyfriend's white.

1:28 Oh, I thought you'd applaud again.

1:30 Oh.

1:31 I love my boyfriend.

1:32 I'm very committed to him.

1:34 And I think the reason I feel so steady and like, "No,

1:37 I want to be with him" is because before we dated, I dated a lot of people.

1:44 Actually, the summer before we met,

1:46 I was really dating, if you know what I mean.

1:50 And I learned something that summer,

1:52 which is that guys don't like to be tickled anymore.

1:59 What's going on with this?

2:01 The last time I was single, if you're in bed with a guy,

2:04 you could be like, "Tickle, tickle!" But now they're going, "Stop!

2:10 I don't like that." And you have to stop,

2:16 because we're trying to teach them about that.

2:20 Yeah.

2:21 Cheers and applause] Consent...

2:28 it's not a big part of tickling.

2:30 You tickle someone, they say, "Stop." That's the game.

2:35 If you get enthusiastic consent to tickle someone, don't tickle them.

2:40 That's not a safe person for you to tickle.

2:45 My Irish grandparents are also white, and I love them,

2:48 but I don't think we would have met if they were not my grandparents.

2:53 Like, we don't have a lot in common.

2:55 Like, I told my grandpa when I was a kid that I worshipped Hilary Duff.

3:00 He was like, "You worship Hilary Duff?" I was like, "Yeah,

3:03 who do you worship?" And he said,

3:06 "Jesus Christ." I was like, "Okay, so you get it.

3:11 You have your guy.

3:12 I have mine." At least my guy's still making work.

3:20 My grandparents have taken to doing this thing

3:23 where they invite their friends to our family dinners.

3:27 You ever talked to an old person you don't love?

3:32 It's really boring.

3:34 Old people— they don't have the same small-talk rules as my generation.

3:38 It was, like, polite to be boring back then, you know?

3:40 You can tell because an old person comes up to you at a party, they're like,

3:44 "Do you still like ginger ale?" "Yeah,

3:48 I'll get a ginger ale from time to time." "Okay.

3:51 We get them, too.

3:52 The waitress will bring them to you.

3:56 Or you buy it at the counter and you pay for it there.

4:00 Just based on whatever system they have.

4:04 Of course, over the years...

4:07 the label's changed." You want to be like,

4:10 "Are you aware this could be the last thing you

4:13 ever say?" And they all have the same catchphrase, too.

4:19 Why does every old man always go, "Good for you"?

4:24 They love to say that.

4:26 They'll lob you such an easy question so they can say it.

4:29 They'll be like, "Do you have an apartment or somewhere you live?" "I do,

4:35 yeah." "Well, good for you!" Little Mary Tyler Moore.

4:42 And what are you?

4:43 5'6", 5'7"?

4:43 That's the way to do it.

4:46 Good for you.

4:47 Good for you." Sometimes they lob in, like, a spicier one,

4:51 but they save it with the "Good for you." They'll be like,

4:55 "Your mother is brown.

4:57 And your father isn't.

5:00 Good for you." My generation is not like that.

5:08 Someone comes up to you at a party, they're like,

5:10 "I have always known I'm bisexual." And you're like, "Okay, what was your name?

5:17 Good for you." Thank you!

5:20 That's all for me.

5:21 I'm Maddy Kelly.

5:23 Cheers and applause]♪♪ -Come on!

5:28 Maddy Kelly!

5:30 Maddy Kelly!

5:32 See Maddy at the Punch Line San Francisco, May 12th and 13th.