The Middle | 20 Minutes of Frankie Heck Trying to Survive Mother’s Day

0:00 I'm worried it's gonna be too good.

0:01 So just be prepared to get everything you want.

0:04 Happy Mother's Day!

0:06 Mother's Day...

0:06 it should be outlawed.

0:08 Next year, just write me a check.

0:10 Hey, they're the ones in charge.

0:12 I just— Oh, save it, buddy.

0:13 You just wait until Father's Day.

0:16 You'll see.

0:17 Yellow pants?

0:19 Are you kidding me?

0:22 I told you what I wanted.

0:26 I told you exactly what I wanted.

0:28 I told all of you: Back- master 2000.

0:36 Well, hey, you haven't even tried them on yet.

0:44 Hey!

0:45 Oh, yeah.

0:46 This is so much better.

0:47 Who buys someone yellow pants?

0:49 Did I say pants?

0:50 Did I say yellow pants?

0:52 Did anybody hear me say yellow pants?

0:54 I mean, come on, how much clearer could a person be?

0:57 You know what?

0:58 Next year, just write me a check.

1:00 Hey, they're the ones in charge.

1:01 I just— Oh, save it, buddy.

1:03 You just wait until Father's Day.

1:06 You'll see.

1:08 Seriously, what am I supposed to do with these?

1:14 Oh, wow.

1:15 That's not bad.

1:19 Some days, from start to finish, just blow.

1:23 Never doing that again.

1:25 What?

1:26 Mother's Day?

1:28 Yeah.

1:28 Mother's Day.

1:29 It should be outlawed.

1:31 What?

1:31 You don't mean that.

1:32 The kids made you breakfast, you went to your mom's house...

1:34 it was good.

1:35 I think you're confusing Mother's Day with Father's Day.

1:38 They are nothing alike.

1:40 Were you not here this morning?

1:45 Axl, get out here!

1:46 Mom's food is getting cold!

1:47 So?

1:48 She feeds us cold food.

1:49 Now let me sleep.

1:50 I lost my present!

1:53 Great.

1:54 You just had it.

1:57 What is wrong with you?

2:00 They don't really know.

2:03 Happy Mother's Day!

2:06 Wow.

2:06 What a surprise!

2:08 Thanks.

2:08 This looks yummy.

2:10 God, it's too early.

2:12 You woke me up in the middle of my REM.

2:17 Very dangerous time to wake someone up.

2:20 Could've killed me.

2:23 Axl, you're so stupid!

2:25 You've ruined everything!

2:26 Oh, yeah.

2:27 It's all my fault.

2:29 Blame everything on me.

2:30 Classic.

2:31 Hey.

2:31 I'm not gonna put up with that crap on Mother's Day.

2:33 I gotta bang some heads around here.

2:35 It's fine, Mike, really.

2:38 Everything's fine.

2:39 See?

2:40 Fine.

2:40 I made you something, Mom.

2:43 Oh.

2:43 A macaroni picture frame.

2:46 That's great, Brick, I love it.

2:49 And a card from Sue!

2:51 You guys are spoiling me.

2:53 It's gonna be hard going back to my regular old life.

2:59 Oh, yeah.

3:00 Right.

3:00 Uh, I'm going with a verbal card this year.

3:03 Dear Mom, you're my mom.

3:05 Pretty cool mom.

3:06 Chick stuff here, feelings, whatever.

3:09 Love, Axl.

3:11 So, Mom, what do you want to do today?

3:15 My frame!

3:16 It's fine.

3:16 It'll be fine.

3:17 Great.

3:18 Now it looks all thrown together.

3:20 I'm trying to get some sleep here!

3:21 Have some respect for other people, people!

3:23 All right, I'm gonna go watch SportsCenter and let you hang out with your kids.

3:26 It's your day.

3:30 Mike, you're not gonna believe this.

3:32 Mr.

3:32 Ehlert wanted me to work on Sunday.

3:35 This Sunday.

3:37 Mother's Day.

3:38 Oh, I know.

3:40 I was just too stunned to respond.

3:44 What a jerk.

3:45 Sue!

3:46 Axl!

3:46 Brick, get in here!

3:48 Oh, so that's why everybody was making those potholders.

3:52 I probably should've done one.

3:55 How could we forget Mother's Day again?

3:56 I count on you guys to remember this stuff.

3:58 How was I supposed to know it's even on a Sunday this year?

4:01 I'm not a calendar.

4:02 I feel horrible!

4:03 I just love Mom so much.

4:05 She deserves the best Mother's Day ever.

4:08 Yeah, well, that ship has sailed.

4:09 Now we got three days to slap something together that doesn't suck.

4:13 What does your mom like?

4:14 She likes driving us places.

4:15 And doing our laundry and stuff.

4:17 And making us soup.

4:19 No, she doesn't!

4:20 Whose mom are you thinking of?

4:22 I'm talking about a present.

4:23 What present would she like?

4:25 Come on, this should be easy.

4:27 The woman has nothing.

4:28 Wait!

4:28 Last year I remember her saying she wished

4:30 everyone would just leave her alone for the day.

4:33 I enjoyed that menopause book I read on the airplane.

4:35 Hang on.

4:36 Let's let Sue finish.

4:37 Sue, she really said that?

4:39 I totally remember her screaming it at Grandma.

4:42 Mm.

4:42 You really think we could pass that off as our present?

4:45 The gift of...

4:46 not us.

4:47 I like it.

4:49 So listen, Mother's Day is coming up.

4:51 What's the deal?

4:52 What's going on?

4:53 What do you know?

4:54 Hmm.

4:54 I don't know anything, but I'm pretty low on the information food chain.

4:57 Maybe Dad already got you something.

4:59 Yeah, I heard that story.

5:01 Not buying it.

5:02 Look, I know you're the smart one.

5:04 That's why I'm coming to you.

5:06 You're the only one I'm talking to about this.

5:08 Here's the deal.

5:08 For once, I just want what I want.

5:10 I don't need breakfast in bed.

5:12 I don't need eggs spilled all over my comforter.

5:14 I don't want a book of hug coupons.

5:16 And I don't want a card written on the back of an old receipt.

5:18 I want the Back- master 2000.

5:20 It's at Brookstone.

5:20 It's $40, and I want the one with the heat and the infrared rolling balls.

5:25 What do you say?

5:27 Rolling balls.

5:29 Good boy.

5:42 All right.

5:42 What's with the getup?

5:44 What, this?

5:44 Oh, I'm just enjoying some of my past Mother's Day gifts.

5:48 My awesome yellow pants, my "First Mom on the Moon" t-shirt, and, of course,

5:53 my macaroni necklace that says, "To Mom,

5:55 Love Kira." I can only feel bad for Kira's mom.

5:58 Who knows what she got.

6:00 Okay, I get it, I get it.

6:01 We may not have always hit it out of the park,

6:03 but I got plenty of time this year to get it right.

6:06 When is Mother's Day?

6:07 Sunday.

6:07 And my mom's coming down, so it better not be lame.

6:10 Not a chance of that.

6:12 If anything, I'm worried it's gonna be too good.

6:13 So just be prepared to get everything you want.

6:16 What exactly do you want?

6:17 Oh!

6:17 You suck.

6:18 My Country, 'Tis of Tea.

6:20 You know the little tea place we pass by and I always say is so cute?

6:23 Well, I heard that they are having a proper afternoon tea for Mother's Day.

6:27 Finger sandwiches and cloth napkins.

6:29 It's going to be very classy and very elegant.

6:32 And that's what I want.

6:34 Since when do you drink tea?

6:35 You know, I have a whole other life that you don't even know about, okay?

6:38 I like tea.

6:39 Fine.

6:40 I'll take care of it.

6:41 Quick question: do I have to go?

6:44 Yes.

6:44 Good, 'cause I want to go.

6:46 Hey, Mike.

6:48 Bob.

6:49 You forgot Mother's Day, didn't you?

6:51 Well, you know, they trump up these holidays and they expect people to...

6:55 forget it.

6:55 Mike, let me help, okay?

6:59 Oh, these are great.

7:00 You can record your own message.

7:02 You can do accents, anything you want.

7:05 Hello?

7:05 Hello!

7:06 Happy Mum's Day, Frankie!

7:08 Yeah, okay.

7:08 I'm in kind of a hurry here.

7:10 Hey, Dad.

7:11 Mom likes something called "condoms." Does she like "pleasure"?

7:15 No!

7:15 Get out of that aisle!

7:18 That's it.

7:18 I'm putting a bullet in Mother's Day.

7:20 What?

7:21 What are you talking about?

7:22 I've thought about it.

7:23 And after 22 years, I don't want any more yellow pants,

7:25 or a gift card from laser tag, or half a burrito at 11:59 p.m.

7:29 I'm going to save us all a lot of heartbreak and call Mother's Day.

7:33 It's done, and I promise I'm good with it.

7:35 Don't listen to her, Dad.

7:36 It's a trap.

7:37 Yeah, I'm staying on high alert.

7:39 But I was actually on top of it this year!

7:42 Look, I already made you a card: "To the woman who gave birth to me.

7:46 Love, Brick." Wow.

7:47 Guess I did all that work for nothing.

7:50 Okay, no.

7:51 Mom, you pushed out Axl's pointy head,

7:54 and didn't you say that Brick practically destroyed your insides?

7:58 He did treat my uterus like a rock star in a hotel room.

8:01 Just trashed the place and left.

8:02 See, that is why you should let us make you breakfast in bed.

8:05 Or how about this?

8:07 Instead of spending one day doing nice things for me,

8:10 how about you spread out the niceness throughout the year?

8:13 Oh my God, I knew it!

8:14 I knew it was a trap.

8:15 This is way worse than Mother's Day!

8:17 Now we're supposed to be nice to her all the time?

8:19 Okay, forget it.

8:19 You don't have to be nice to me on Mother's Day or any other day of the year.

8:22 Hey, I am thrilled to have my Sunday back.

8:25 But isn't your mom supposed to come down?

8:27 Oh, crap.

8:28 You know what?

8:29 She'll be fine with my Not-Mother's Day.

8:30 She just wants to see everybody hang out, maybe have dinner.

8:33 Sounds a lot like Mother's Day.

8:35 It's completely different.

8:36 Hey, maybe you kids could make her a card.

8:39 Oh.

8:40 "To the woman who gave birth to the woman who gave birth to me.

8:48 Love, Brick and Axl." Hey, wait!

8:50 Can I get in on that?

8:51 Can't put three names on a card, Sue.

8:53 It's tacky.

8:53 Yeah, I'm calling because I want to make a reservation

8:56 for six for this Sunday for Mother's Day afternoon tea.

8:59 Oh, you'll have to do that online.

9:01 Oh, but can't you just do it?

9:04 We don't take phone reservations.

9:06 But I'm talking to you right now.

9:08 If you don't take reservations, why did you even pick up the phone?

9:11 To answer questions.

9:12 Okay, here's a question: Can I have a reservation for six this Sunday?

9:16 No.

9:16 See, we'd like to route everyone online.

9:18 We find it much more convenient that way.

9:20 Oh!

9:20 I see someone just took a table for six.

9:22 Was that you?

9:23 No.

9:24 I mean, yes!

9:25 Yep, that was me.

9:27 I think you'll find it much more convenient to just get online.

9:32 Hey, Mom, I'm thirsty.

9:34 Can you bring me a pop or something?

9:38 Mhm.

9:39 Thank you.

9:42 Oh.

9:43 Your hair looks nice.

9:45 Oh, yeah.

9:45 Sue helped me finish it off.

9:48 It's not too frosted?

9:49 No, no.

9:50 In a couple of weeks, it'll be perfect.

9:54 Oh.

9:54 How long was I asleep?

9:57 I'm starving.

9:58 Hey, you know what would be great?

10:00 One of your grilled cheese sandwiches with the potato chips in the middle.

10:04 I love the way you make 'em.

10:07 Uh, okay.

10:08 Could you not lean on my people?

10:10 You're making it all crinkly.

10:12 Sorry.

10:12 Oh, and Mom?

10:15 In triangles, okay?

10:17 I know...

10:19 triangles.

10:20 Yeah.

10:21 How do you guys survive with just basic cable?

10:27 Mm.

10:27 Thanks, Mom.

10:29 Ooh, this looks good.

10:34 Oh.

10:35 No chips?

10:38 Hey.

10:39 How long do you think it would take to make some pudding?

10:41 Mm.

10:43 Ooh!

10:44 Are you mad?

10:49 No.

10:50 Anything else I can get you on Mother's Day?

10:53 See, now you sound mad.

10:54 I mean, I just came all the way up

10:56 here so you wouldn't be alone on Mother's Day.

10:57 Well, I'm sorry, but did you ever think maybe I wanted to be alone?

11:03 You didn't want to be with your daughter on Mother's Day?

11:05 Oh, I didn't say that.

11:07 Yeah, you did.

11:08 Mom, you said exactly that.

11:09 You said, "Sorry, but did you ever think maybe I

11:12 wanted to be alone?" What are you, a court reporter?

11:14 I'm sorry if I drove an hour and a half to be with my mother on Mother's Day.

11:18 I had no idea it would be an inconvenience.

11:20 I just thought it would make you happy.

11:22 Pat, I am never alone in this house!

11:25 Your dad is always here asking me about this, asking me about that...

11:30 "Can I eat this?

11:31 Where's my raincoat?" Now he's out with his possums,

11:34 and I just wanted a minute to frost

11:37 my damn hair and drink my damn wine and listen

11:40 to my damn music without getting anyone anything or making

11:43 anybody any grilled cheese sandwiches with potato chips in the middle!

11:48 So Mother's Day was here,

11:52 and I woke up to a sound I'd never heard before: silence.

12:02 Mike?

12:03 Axl?

12:05 Brick?

12:06 Sue?

12:08 I didn't know what to do first.

12:14 Read?

12:15 Sleep?

12:15 Watch Oprah?

12:17 Oh, maybe I'd even go to the bathroom without someone pounding on the door.

12:20 Damn it, don't have to go.

12:22 Since I accidentally "borrowed" a few People magazines

12:26 from my last dentist visit, I decided to read.

12:29 And then I remembered something: I'm blind.

12:32 But when I went to the junk drawer for my glasses, stupid thing was stuck.

12:37 But you know what?

12:39 Not a problem.

12:40 I had a whole free day ahead of me,

12:43 and I'd been wanting to fix that drawer for weeks.

12:46 An hour later, I was done.

12:48 Now I just had to put the giant screwdriver back where it belonged,

12:51 and the rest of the day was mine.

12:55 Oh.

12:56 There's that flashlight.

12:57 So I decided to go through the batteries,

13:01 because you've got to have a flashlight in the house with batteries.

13:04 But when I went to put it in Mike's nightstand, it was stuck, too.

13:08 And then I found something you never want to find in your husband's nightstand.

13:14 Something I couldn't ignore: an unpaid gas bill.

13:19 Billing!

13:20 Billing!

13:20 I pressed 4!

13:22 I want to talk to a human!

13:27 Human?

13:27 Er...

13:28 And then, after defrosting the freezer and Scotchgarding the winter shoes,

13:33 I don't even know how I ended up here.

13:39 Crap.

13:39 Oh, no.

13:41 It can't be.

13:43 7:45?

13:44 This can't be happening.

13:48 I blew my whole Mother's Day.

13:54 Hey, there she is, reading on the couch!

13:56 So, did you have a great Mother's Day?

13:59 So great.

14:00 How was your day?

14:03 Well, here we are, having tea on Mother's Day, just like you wanted.

14:07 Uh, excuse me, can we get some buffalo wings for the table?

14:10 Spicy or mild, maybe half-and-half.

14:12 Axl!

14:13 Oh!

14:13 Sorry, Mom.

14:14 It's your day.

14:15 Spicy or mild?

14:16 Great.

14:17 Now we just need five more of those.

14:19 That's for the whole table.

14:21 Oh.

14:21 No, no, you have to wait for the tea.

14:25 Well, I hope we get to eat soon.

14:27 I don't know how much longer I can stay.

14:30 I can't drive in the dark.

14:32 Mom, when I said that, I didn't mean— Oh.

14:37 Hi, Janet!

14:38 Oh, you too.

14:40 Oh, we're in some restaurant Mike found.

14:43 We finally got a seat.

14:46 Oh, thank you!

14:48 Yes, I love cashmere.

14:50 I'm wearing it right now.

14:53 Uh-huh.

14:54 I need your gift.

14:55 What?

14:55 Wanna open it right now?

14:57 No, I don't have anything for Grandma.

14:59 I forgot because I was so disorganized, because I just forgot, okay?

15:02 It can happen to anybody.

15:03 But we got this for you.

15:05 We had meetings!

15:06 We made lists!

15:06 Sue, I need this.

15:08 She's talking cashmere sweaters with Janet.

15:10 Then we won't have a gift for you.

15:11 You giving me a gift I can give to Grandma is my gift.

15:14 Just give me the gift!

15:16 All right.

15:16 Thanks for calling.

15:17 Love you, too.

15:19 Happy Mother's Day.

15:22 Finally.

15:23 No, no, you have to let it steep.

15:27 No, Dad, you heard the rules.

15:30 What are you gonna do, throw me in tea jail?

15:33 Maybe I'll get a meal there.

15:35 Hey, Mom, why don't you open your gift?

15:38 Oh.

15:39 Thank you.

15:42 Oh, such pretty paper!

15:47 See...

15:49 what are these?

15:53 Oh, those are...

15:55 what are they?

15:57 Salad hands!

15:58 Look at me, I'm...

15:59 salad hands there.

16:00 Salad hands!

16:01 Where's the calendar?

16:02 I don't know.

16:03 Is it Mother's Day already?

16:05 I thought we had another week.

16:07 Here, it's a 2009!

16:09 Crap!

16:09 Why don't we ever throw anything away?

16:12 Damn it.

16:13 I already bragged to her that I got her something great,

16:15 and now I'm just gonna end up running to the drugstore

16:17 at the last minute to get her some crappy gift like I always do.

16:20 Okay, well, after that, can we swing by Brookstone

16:22 and get her the thing she really wants?

16:24 You know what she really wants?

16:26 Yep.

16:29 No.

16:29 No.

16:30 Um...

16:30 nope.

16:31 Damn it, Brick, you said you knew what she wanted!

16:36 Oh, yes, at one point I did.

16:37 But a lot of information has come into my head since then.

16:41 If this helps you, I think it was something 2000.

16:44 Everything in here is something 2000!

16:47 Come on, Brick, focus.

16:49 Keyboard...

16:50 uh, radio-flashlight...

16:51 radio- thermometer...

16:53 radio-leg shaver...

16:54 radio-beer cooler.

16:55 Wait a minute.

16:56 How much is that?

16:58 Remember that for Father's Day?

17:00 Mm.

17:01 Now I'm questioning Brookstone.

17:04 I think you click on the bear.

17:06 I tried that, it just keeps sending me to poems.

17:09 I like poems.

17:10 Ooh, right here it says "tea service."

17:12 Thought you would think that means serving tea, but I learned the hard way.

17:15 It just orders you pots and saucers.

17:18 You know what every mama secretly wants for Mother's Day?

17:22 To feel desired.

17:23 No, I think she just wants some tea and a good present.

17:26 You really shouldn't have waited till the last minute, Mike.

17:28 Yeah, thanks, Dave.

17:29 I can't figure out which teddy bear is my favorite.

17:31 I think it's Bear-jamin Franklin.

17:32 Jim, would you cut that out?

17:34 You're gonna make me click on the wrong thing.

17:36 Tear out a page from the book of Chuck Bass, man.

17:38 Forget the tea, bathe her in champagne, and then take a strawberry.

17:43 You got it.

17:44 Thanks.

17:44 You know what, I think I click on this tiny sandwich, right?

17:51 Yeah, I think that's it.

17:52 That's the one.

17:53 I'm gonna go with that.

17:53 I'm going to go for it.

17:54 Is that what you would do?

17:56 I would do that.

17:57 I'm in!

17:57 I'm going to tea!

17:58 We're going to tea!

18:00 We're going to tea!

18:01 Here we go.

18:03 Maybe Mother's Day should be about people wanting to do nice

18:05 things for each other out of the goodness of their hearts.

18:08 Anyway, I was thinking about it on the way home,

18:10 and that's what I want for Not-Mother's Day:

18:12 for every one of us to pay it forward to somebody else in the family.

18:16 Oh!

18:17 Told you.

18:18 High alert.

18:18 Okay, so putting everybody's name in this hat.

18:22 And so whoever you pick, you have to do something nice for them this weekend.

18:26 Doesn't have to be a gift; could be a kind gesture.

18:29 And, Brick, you go first.

18:32 I got Mom.

18:33 Great.

18:33 It's Mother's Day all over again.

18:35 Okay, here we go.

18:39 Magazines, remote, peach pie from Neptune's Grill.

18:45 Happy Mother's Day.

18:48 I'm sorry, Mike.

18:49 I know I was acting crazy.

18:52 It's just that sometimes as a mom, you know,

18:55 when you're with your kids, you want to be alone.

18:57 And then when you're alone, you want to be with them.

18:59 And it's like, no matter where you are,

19:01 you feel guilty that you're not in the other place, you know?

19:04 No.

19:06 I don't feel guilt that way.

19:09 Ever.

19:09 Sorry.

19:10 Geez.

19:10 Fathers shouldn't even get a day.

19:12 No guilt.

19:13 That must be nice.

19:14 It really is.

19:15 Okay, kids, let's vamoose and let your mom relax in peace.

19:19 Okay.

19:19 Night, Mom.

19:20 Love you.

19:21 Wait, wait, wait!

19:21 Where are you going?

19:22 It's still Mother's Day.

19:23 I want to be with you guys.

19:25 Okay.

19:29 Ooh.

19:32 You know what?

19:34 Not this close.

19:35 I just want to see you guys.

19:37 Maybe you could go over there and just get along or something.

19:41 Sure.

19:41 Okay.

19:42 Uh...

19:44 huh?

19:45 Oh.