Funniest Moments from the Cornetto Trilogy | Big Screen Laughs

0:01 You've got your pint, you've got your pig snacks.

0:04 What more do you want?

0:07 Oh.

0:08 Any favorite monkey?

0:11 Shall I do Floyd?

0:24 See, I knew you'd get over it.

0:44 Oh, it's all right.

0:44 I'll bring you your tea.

0:54 [singing] [screaming] [screaming]

1:16 What did she do?

1:17 Just say bass.

1:18 Or freeze.

1:20 What a tit.

1:30 You want to dance?

1:39 Don't scratch it.

1:40 Wait.

1:43 THAT WAS THE SECOND ALBUM I EVER BOUGHT.

1:45 IT'S 4:00 IN THE[ __] MORNING.

1:47 It's Saturday.

1:48 No, it's not.

1:49 It's[ __] Sunday, and I've got to go to[ __] work in 4[

1:52 __] hours because every other[ __] in my[ __] department is[ __] ill.

1:56 THEN CAN YOU SEE WHY I'M SO[ __] ANGRY?

1:59 __] YEAH.

2:00 HEY, PETE, LOOK.

2:01 I'M YOU KNOW, I'm sorry.

2:03 We just We've had a couple of drinks.

2:05 We split up with Liz tonight.

2:08 Just keep it down, yeah?

2:11 Freak.

2:14 What was that?

2:15 Nothing.

2:17 No, no, no, COME ON, STOP IT.

2:18 WE'RE FRIENDS.

2:18 HE'S NOT MY FRIEND.

2:19 HE'S A[ __] IDIOT.

2:20 WHAT'S THAT supposed to mean?

2:21 It means WHY DON'T YOU[ __] OFF?

2:23 YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE AN ADULT?

2:25 GO LIVE IN THAT SHED, YOU THICK[ __]

2:27 OH, LEAVE HIM ALONE.

2:29 STOP DEFENDING HIM, SHAUN.

2:30 All he ever does is hold you back.

2:32 Or does it make your life easier having someone

2:34 around who's more of a loser than you are?

2:36 What's that supposed to mean?

2:37 You know what I mean.

2:39 I assume it was Liz who did the dumping.

2:43 Sort your[ __] life out, mate.

2:46 Sorry about your hand, man.

2:49 I got mugged on the way home from work.

2:51 By who?

2:52 I don't know, some crackheads or something.

2:53 One of them bit me.

2:54 Why did they bite you?

2:55 I don't know.

2:56 I DIDN'T STOP TO ASK THEM.

2:58 NO.

2:59 I'VE GOT A SPLITTING HEADACHE, and your stupid hip-hop isn't helping.

3:03 And the FRONT DOOR IS OPEN AGAIN.

3:07 IT'S NOT HIP-HOP.

3:09 IT'S ELECTRO, PRICK.

3:11 Next time I see him, he's dead.

3:16 Are they still out there?

3:25 Yeah.

3:26 What do you think we should do?

3:29 Have a sit-down.

3:31 There are reports of chaos on the motorways

3:33 as thousands of people attempt to flee the cities.

3:36 The M1, the M3, M4, M6 think this is a similar thing?

3:41 and M68 are all at a standstill.

3:44 The Home Office has issued a statement urging people

3:47 to stay in their homes and await further instruction.

3:50 Ensure all residences are secure with all

3:54 doors and windows firmly locked and barricaded.

4:00 [groaning] OH, MY GOD'S SAKE.

4:02 OH, HE'S GOT ARMOR.

4:03 [screaming] [groaning and screaming] [snorts] I'M GOING TO SHUT THE FRONT DOOR.

4:36 THIS IS HIS HEAD GUY.

4:42 WE should get out there.

4:43 No, no, no, no.

4:44 We should stay inside.

4:45 Come on, we can take him.

4:46 But the man said to stay indoors.

4:48 __] the man.

4:49 Look, as long as they're out there and we're in here, we're safe.

4:54 The attackers can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.

4:59 I'll repeat that by removing the head or destroying the brain.

5:06 [groaning] HEY!

5:15 Go for the head.

5:34 Now what?

5:35 We'll have to get more stuff.

5:37 What's in the shed?

5:38 I don't know, it's locked.

5:38 Why is it locked?

5:39 It's always been locked.

5:40 Well, how you know?

5:40 We're going No, no, that's the second album I EVER BOUGHT.

5:53 NOW, SOME OF THESE [music] ARE LIMITED WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHAT was that?

5:55 Um, I think it was Blue Monday.

5:57 But it was the original press out.

5:59 For[ __] sake.

6:01 [music]

6:01 Purple Rain, no.

6:02 It's one of the top Definitely not.

6:04 The Batman soundtrack.

6:08 Okay.

6:09 Dire Straits.

6:10 THROW IT.

6:15 OOH, STONE ROSES.

6:16 UH, NO.

6:18 [music] SOMETHING COMING.

6:18 I like it.

6:19 Ah.

6:20 Sade.

6:21 That's Liz's.

6:22 Yeah, but she did DUMP YOU.

6:24 OH,[ __] THIS.

6:25 I'M GOING to the shed.

6:26 But you said IT WAS LOCKED.

6:38 WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT, GUN OR BLUNT?

6:40 UH, THE FIRST ONE.

6:54 [groaning] [screaming]

7:00 In all cases, people receiving bites have experienced headaches and nausea

7:04 and developed symptoms similar to those displayed by their attackers.

7:08 If you know someone who has been bitten,

7:10 it is absolutely essential that you isolate them immediately.

7:15 The public have been strongly advised not

7:17 to approach anyone So, what's the plan?

7:24 Right.

7:27 We take Pete's car, we drive over to Mum's,

7:30 we go in, take care of Phillip, I'm so sorry, Phillip.

7:35 then we grab Mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up,

7:38 have a cup of tea, [music] and wait for all this to blow over.

7:43 Why have we got to go to Liz's?

7:44 Because we do.

7:45 But she dumped you.

7:46 I have to know if she's all right.

7:48 Why?

7:49 Because I love her.

7:52 All right, gay.

7:54 I'm not staying there, though.

7:55 Why not?

7:56 If we hole up, I want to be somewhere familiar,

7:58 I want to know where the exits are, and I want to be allowed to smoke.

8:03 Okay.

8:05 Take Pete's car, go around Mum's, go in, deal with Phillip,

8:09 sorry, Phillip, grab Mum, go to Liz's,

8:12 pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea,

8:15 and wait for all this to blow over.

8:18 Perfect.

8:19 No, no, no, no, no, wait.

8:21 We can't bring her back here.

8:22 Why not?

8:23 Well, it's not exactly safe, is it?

8:24 Yeah.

8:26 Look at the state of it.

8:28 We're safe.

8:29 We're familiar.

8:30 Where can I smoke?

8:37 Take car, go to Mum's, kill Phil, sorry, grab Liz, go to the Winchester,

8:43 have a nice cold pint, and wait for all this to blow over.

8:48 [music] How's that for a slice of fried gold?

8:50 Yeah, boy.

8:52 cap, it is vital that you stay in your homes,

8:55 make no attempt to reach loved ones,

8:57 and avoid all physical contact with the assailants.

9:01 Do you believe everything you hear on TV?

9:05 Okay.

9:05 Let's try, Shauna.

9:06 Liz.

9:10 Nice.

9:11 Good vocal work.

9:12 Okay.

9:13 Barbara, that's excellent.

9:15 Sorry, dear.

9:16 I was miles away.

9:18 Deaf.

9:19 Uh.

9:20 Come on.

9:21 Uh.

9:22 Okay.

9:22 It's mournful, sorrowful.

9:24 You don't need to hate it.

9:24 Go.

9:26 Uh.

9:27 Much better.

9:28 Ed.

9:28 I'll do it on the night.

9:29 Save it for the night.

9:33 What is that?

9:33 What about yours, You died and made you[ __] king of the zombies.

9:37 Oh, oh, no.

9:42 Yeah, it's pretty good.

9:43 Okay.

9:44 Right.

9:45 Let's all try it together, shall we?

9:46 One, two, three.

9:53 Hello, Nicholas.

9:54 Hello, Sergeant.

9:55 How's the hand?

9:57 Still a bit stiff.

9:59 It can get awfully hairy out there.

10:01 I'm surprised you weren't snapped up sooner

10:03 for a nice desk job, that's what I did.

10:05 I prefer to think my office is out on the street.

10:07 Indeed you do.

10:09 Your arrest record is 400% higher than any other officer,

10:13 which is why it's high time that such skills were put to better use.

10:20 We're making you sergeant.

10:22 I see.

10:23 In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

10:25 And where, sorry?

10:26 In Sandford, Gloucestershire.

10:28 That's in the country.

10:30 Yes, lovely.

10:32 Isn't there a sergeant's position here in London?

10:34 No.

10:35 Can I remain here as a PC?

10:36 No.

10:37 Do I have any choice in this?

10:41 No.

10:41 Sergeant, I kind of like it here.

10:43 Well, you've always wanted to transfer to the country.

10:45 In 20 years or so, yes.

10:46 Well done, you.

10:48 Hang on, I don't remember telling you that.

10:50 Yes, you did.

10:51 You said, "I'd love to settle down in the country sometime,

10:54 Janine." I'd like to talk to the inspector.

10:58 You can speak to the inspector,

10:59 but I can promise you he will tell you exactly the same thing as I have.

11:05 Hello, Nicholas.

11:06 How's the hand?

11:07 It's still a bit stiff.

11:09 And how are things at home?

11:10 I'm sorry, sir.

11:11 How's Janine?

11:14 We're no longer together, sir.

11:16 Right, well, then where are you living?

11:18 He's staying at the section house, sir.

11:19 With the recruits?

11:20 Yes, he's living out of cardboard boxes.

11:22 Well, then you're packed already.

11:24 Nicholas, we're offering you a smashing position

11:26 with a delightful cottage and a lovely little

11:28 place that I think has won village of the year I don't know how many times.

11:32 It'll be good for you.

11:34 I don't really know what to say.

11:37 Yes.

11:38 Yes, thank you.

11:42 No, I'm sorry.

11:43 I'm going to have to You want to take this higher?

11:46 Yes, yes, I do.

11:47 You want me to bother the chief inspector with this?

11:49 Yes.

11:50 You want me to get the chief [music] inspector to come all the way down here?

11:53 Yes, I do.

11:55 Okay.

11:57 Kenneth.

11:59 Hello, Nicholas.

12:00 How's the hand?

12:00 Still a bit stiff.

12:02 Chief Inspector.

12:03 Keep your seat.

12:04 Now, I know what you're going to say,

12:06 but the fact is you've been making us all look bad.

12:10 I'm sorry, sir.

12:11 Of course we all appreciate your efforts,

12:12 but you've been rather letting the side down.

12:15 It's all about being a team player, Nicholas.

12:17 You can't be the sheriff of London.

12:19 If we let you carry on running around town,

12:21 you'll continue to be exceptional, and we can't have that.

12:25 You'll put us all out of a job.

12:28 With respect, sir, you can't just make people disappear.

12:32 Yes, I can.

12:33 I'm the chief inspector.

12:35 Well, however you spin this, there's one thing you haven't taken into account.

12:40 And that's what the team is going to make of this.

12:48 Excuse me.

13:00 Supercop.

13:02 Meet the cop that can't be stopped.

13:22 Chopper!

13:25 RIGHT, TROUBLE IN THE HIGH STREET?

13:26 Sergeant Angel's having a spot of bother.

13:29 Roger that.

13:40 Boarding target.

13:50 [music] You mothers.

13:54 [screaming]

13:54 Go through there.

13:56 Come on.

13:57 Through the gardens.

13:59 What's the matter, Danny?

14:00 You never taken a shortcut before?

14:46 Hey, give me that.

14:54 You do not have to say anything.

14:55 However, it may harm your defense if you fail

14:56 to mention when questioned something you later rely on in court.

14:59 Anything you do say can be given in evidence.

15:01 All right, Danny.

15:02 What, Peter?

15:03 Do you know this man?

15:03 He's only Jackie's sister's brother's boy.

15:05 And it didn't occur to you to mention this before?

15:07 Couldn't see his face, could I?

15:14 Why do we need the dog?

15:16 It's not the dog we need.

15:18 A hedge is a hedge, you know.

15:19 I only chopped it down cuz I couldn't see the view no more.

15:22 What's he moaning about?

15:25 Right.

15:26 What did he say?

15:27 Said a hedge is a hedge, you know.

15:28 He only chopped see the view no more.

15:30 What's he moaning about?

15:33 What did he say?

15:34 He said a hedge is a hedge, you know.

15:35 He only chopped it down cuz it spoilt his view.

15:37 What's he moaning about?

15:38 Right.

15:39 Look, I appreciate your position, Mr.

15:40 Webley, but you can't go around

15:41 chopping down other people's hedges without permission.

15:44 Ah, those ones.

15:45 Those ones.

15:46 Yes, I suppose.

15:47 Thank you.

15:48 Right.

15:49 All right.

15:52 Mr.

15:53 Webley, I trust you have a license for that firearm.

15:55 I got it for this one.

15:57 Just for this one.

15:58 He does for this one.

16:01 What do you mean by this one?

16:16 By the power of Grey Skull.

16:19 Where on earth did you get these?

16:21 Found them.

16:22 Found them?

16:23 And what is this?

16:25 Seaman.

16:26 Seaman.

16:28 Well, Mr.

16:29 Webley, this is an extremely dangerous collection.

16:31 It's a wonder nobody's been hurt before.

16:32 NAH, IT'S A LOAD OF JUNK.

16:44 [music] YOU WHAT?

17:10 NO, apparently it's been deactivated, over.

17:13 That's right.

17:14 Deactivated.

17:15 It's not live.

17:16 It looks live.

18:04 Hey, Bigun.

18:06 Playtime's over.

18:11 Michael.

18:13 Michael.

18:16 [panting] Are you there?

18:17 Michael.

18:19 Is everything okay?

18:23 Yarp.

18:25 Sergeant Angel's been taken care of.

18:27 Yarp.

18:29 He's not going to get back up again.

18:34 Narp.

18:36 Good.

18:37 Proceed to the castle.

18:44 Frank, this[ __] just got real.

18:46 This guy just sent someone to kill me, and uh now now he's gone somewhere.

18:49 Um up to the to the castle, I think.

18:51 I'm going I'm going to go after him, okay?

18:53 I It's Nicholas, by the way.

18:58 My god.

19:00 What happened to your peace lily?

19:02 Danny, Danny, just stay here, okay?

19:04 And watch him, and call your dad.

19:06 Tell him I was right.

19:07 What are you going to do?

19:08 I'm going to bust this thing wide open.

19:10 Nicholas, wait.

19:13 You might need this.

19:15 Thanks, partner.

19:27 OH,[ __][ __][ __] CAREFUL.

19:40 [clears throat] FLOOR'S A BIT PISSY.

19:42 WASN'T ME.

19:44 [snorts] That was me.

19:50 Did that back in 1990?

19:55 Punch the[ __] out of the wall.

19:58 I don't know why.

20:02 [snorts]

20:01 Seemed important at the time.

20:05 You guys look like you're having a good night though.

20:08 I'm doing the Gold Mile tonight.

20:09 You want to tag along?

20:12 We could be like the six musketeers.

20:18 I said we're doing the Gold Mile.

20:23 You think you're so cool, don't you?

20:26 Huh?

20:27 But we were cooler.

20:29 We own this town.

20:30 Paved the way for you lot.

20:31 We blazed a trail.

20:33 Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you.

20:35 Please don't.

20:36 Oh, don't what?

20:38 You don't want to do that.

20:39 Oh, don't I?

20:56 [screaming] I'm going to kill you.

21:14 You need to explain this right now.

21:16 How did THIS KID JUST ELECTROCUTE THAT CHILD IN THE STOMACH?

21:18 MY HEAD IN THE WALL.

21:19 SPOKE TO your mum, and not from the afterlife, from[ __] Bournemouth.

21:25 real?

21:25 She says she hasn't spoken to you for 8 months.

21:27 ANDY.

21:27 HIS HEAD JUST CAME OFF.

21:29 GARY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WRIGGLE OUT OF IT THIS TIME.

21:33 [screaming] W U T F?

21:49 T F?

21:50 F?

21:57 [music] [music] [screaming] [groaning and screaming] AW.

22:53 IS SOMEONE IN HERE?

22:57 [screaming] [screaming] HEY.

23:26 ANDY, DID YOU SEE THE [groaning and screaming] [groaning and screaming]

24:01 W U T F, T F, GARY?

24:04 W T F?

24:05 What the[ __] does W T F mean?

24:08 What the[ __] Oh, yeah.

24:11 This can't be happening, can it?

24:13 It started in me.

24:14 I can't believe it.

24:16 I know, but I can't believe he lied about your mum.

24:19 That was a white How is that a white lie?

24:21 She's not dead, is she?

24:23 ANDY, SHE'S NOT DEAD.

24:25 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

24:27 WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

24:27 TO GET HELP.

24:28 DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, don't do that.

24:29 WHAT, DON'T GET HELP?

24:30 We don't know how far this goes.

24:33 Who are you calling?

24:34 Vanessa.

24:34 Who's Vanessa?

24:34 My wife.

24:35 Why are you calling your wife?

24:36 Because she's my wife.

24:37 You said you don't know how far this goes.

24:38 I was just thinking about the pub.

24:39 Oh, well, there's a surprise.

24:41 I can't get through.

24:42 You get through to Susan.

24:44 I've got four bars, I'm not getting through.

24:50 Must be the network.

24:52 Holy[ __] This is all connected.

24:57 Is this place why everything's GONE[ __] UP?

25:00 EVERYBODY'S BEEN REPLACED by one of these.

25:01 That's why no ONE RECOGNIZED US.

25:03 BASIL, DAVE, RAMONDO.

25:04 I thought it was weird.

25:06 Saint Hawkins.

25:07 Exactly.

25:08 It's not us that's changed, it's the town.

25:11 I'm right, aren't I, Andy?

25:13 Andy, I'm I not right?

25:14 You're never wrong.

25:15 No.

25:16 Whatever the[ __] happening, we can't stay in the jumps forever.

25:18 10 people have entered this toilet in the last 5 minutes,

25:20 not a single one's come back out again.

25:22 That's going to look suspicious.

25:24 Gay loving.

25:25 And that's worse than five dismembered bodies.

25:27 This is New Haven.

25:32 My god, that man is full of[ __] I know that's not a surprise to you.

25:36 What did he say, Sam?

25:38 He said that New Haven has been taken over by robots full of blue stuff,

25:44 and if we don't do what they say, they'll make us their prisoners.

25:47 Did you believe him?

25:49 Of course not.

25:53 Did you believe him?

25:55 HUH?

25:57 [screaming] [screaming] SEE?

26:09 COME ON, SAM.

26:10 YOU KNOW I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO believe Gary King.

26:16 Sam!

26:25 GOD, YOU'RE CREEPY, GIDEON.

26:27 GET OFF.

26:39 [music] CHUCK US A ZIGGY.

26:44 OH.

26:46 [sighs] GARY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

26:50 I told you in the disabled.

26:52 Oh, yes, you did.

26:53 We should go inside, eh?

26:55 Otherwise, people are going to ask what the hell's going on.

26:57 What the hell's going on?

26:58 Steve, I got this.

26:59 Go on.

27:00 Sam, he's not good enough for you.

27:02 What?

27:03 We have been through some crazy[ __] tonight.

27:05 I I just really put things in perspective for me.

27:09 And if everything is as[ __] up as it seems,

27:12 then there's something I need to tell you.

27:14 You might think this is because I've had seven pints, but it's not.

27:18 It's not.

27:20 I'm in love with you, Sam.

27:22 I always have been.

27:24 It breaks my heart to see you waste your affections on Gary[ __] King.

27:28 Hey, that's a bit harsh.

27:29 Oh, no, you've got it all wrong.

27:30 There is nothing between only being honest.

27:32 Just to lay it all out there, I am currently seeing a fitness instructor.

27:36 She's 26 years old, but I would drop her in a heartbeat

27:40 if it meant that I had one last chance with you.

27:42 Stephen, there is nothing between me and Gary King.

27:48 OH,[ __] SORRY.

28:09 [screaming] HEY, GET YOUR FEET OFF THAT.

28:22 WHO PISSED THAT OFF?

28:23 WHO PISSED THAT OFF?

28:23 YOU CAN'T ASK FOR THAT.