Ike Barinholtz (FULL EPISODE) | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

0:03 Hi, my name is Ike Barinholtz and I

0:05 feel bullish about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

0:09 Very very Teddy Roosevelt of you.

0:11 Yes.

0:12 Bully.

0:12 Bull moose.

0:15 [laughter]

0:14 Speak softly and carry a large

0:17 red-headed man.

0:19 Yes.

0:21 [music]

0:23 Okay, welcome to

0:25 [sighs and gasps] Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

0:26 It took me a second to realize what we were doing

0:30 [laughter] and I'm Conan O'Brien from the title of the thing.

0:32 And this is Sona Movsesian.

0:35 [laughter]

0:35 This is David

0:36 with you?

0:37 Hopping.

0:37 I'm just trying to come in with fresh energy.

0:39 I have an obsession lately that I want to talk about.

0:42 Yeah.

0:42 Which is rappers that have agreed to do

0:48 a soundtrack for a major motion picture and then they

0:52 have to rap about the movie and kind

0:56 of get bogged down in the plot of the movie.

0:59 It's one of my obsessions

1:02 Yeah.

1:02 lately.

1:02 One of the things I was thinking about and I

1:05 think one of the worst offenders was when Hammer,

1:10 MC Hammer, for the sequel to the first Addams Family movie.

1:15 Oh boy, I remember this.

1:18 and Addams Family.

1:19 Yeah, he had to rap about the Addams Family and he had to start I remember

1:24 in the rap he I know this is a long

1:27 time ago and people listening right now are like,

1:29 "Conan, what are you doing?" [laughter] What are you doing?

1:33 And my love I know I have loved ones that tell me that all the time.

1:36 What are you doing?

1:36 What are you

1:37 Yeah, everyone says it.

1:38 Yeah, I think every conversation I have with you,

1:40 Sona, begins with you going, "What are you doing?"

1:42 you doing?

1:42 you doing?

1:43 And you always do it like that.

1:44 What are you doing?

1:45 Why do I have an accent?

1:46 know and [laughter] you're always making a meatball when you say that to me.

1:50 You're like, "What are you doing?

1:51 What are you

1:51 you doing a pizza pie?

1:53 So, anyway, so MC Hammer was getting into the weeds.

1:57 you know, some executive said you got to mention Fester,

2:01 you got [laughter] to mention Wednesday, you got to talk about Gomez,

2:05 you got to talk about, you know, and then okay,

2:08 and you think, okay Conan, that's one example, have you got more?

2:12 And I do have more.

2:14 Oh my god, you did prepare.

2:16 No, I didn't do research.

2:18 These are the ones I wrote them down as they came to me.

2:20 I remembered Vanilla Ice Ninja Rap.

2:24 Yes.

2:25 Yes.

2:25 Oh my god, I remember that.

2:27 Yeah, and and of course and of course you know,

2:28 Vanilla Ice is he and and no offense to is it Mr.

2:32 Van Winkle, was that his name in court in court documents?

2:36 No offense to him, but again he had

2:38 to get bogged down probably in talking about various ninja

2:43 go ninja, GO.

2:44 YEAH.

2:46 [laughter] AND THEY STARTED BREAK DANCING.

2:48 And they start break dancing and then did he have to get into the plot?

2:51 That's my favorite thing is when they're

2:52 like Michelangelo has to get the blue jewel.

2:55 it's at a

2:57 [laughter]

2:57 show and he's performing.

2:58 It's in the movie, they're at a concert and it is.

3:01 Of course it is.

3:02 Bobby Brown Ghostbusters 2.

3:04 Oh my god.

3:06 one?

3:08 Yes.

3:07 And and and it just goes on and on and on and I love

3:11 it and the reason I it all came back to mind is the other day,

3:15 you know, I like to uh sketch, you know,

3:17 that's one of my things that I like to do.

3:19 I'm a doodler, I'm a draw I like to draw, I like pen and ink.

3:22 So, I went into I'll give them a shout out, Blitz Art Supply.

3:26 Hey, shout out.

3:27 I can hang out in a Blitz forever.

3:29 I just love pens, paper.

3:31 Um yeah, I'm from the streets and

3:35 [laughter]

3:35 but I'm there and I'm, you know, checking out some of the latest cool,

3:38 [laughter] you know, cool pens out of Japan.

3:42 Uh and I you need a an eraser that you can knead,

3:45 you know, that's k n e a d, you know, a kneading eraser.

3:50 Anyway, [laughter] I'm checking out.

3:52 Yeah, and then I going to go out and get laid, you know.

3:55 But that's the order that I like to do things.

3:56 Cuz I like to get the really good Japanese pen, a kneadable eraser, [laughter]

4:01 and then I have to go out, you know what I mean?

4:03 And spread my seed all over town.

4:07 That's just the order that I like to do things.

4:09 And if people think I came in hot today,

4:10 maybe I did because uh I was in uh Blick's here on the west side of Los Angeles.

4:18 Blick's or Blick?

4:19 Blick.

4:19 It's just Blick.

4:20 But I sometimes I go in and I go like, "Yeah, I'm going to Blick's it up,

4:23 you know?" [laughter] And then I and then I go, "Watch out,

4:26 world, cuz I'm coming after you know, once I get my supplies." [laughter]

4:30 With your little bag of

4:32 With my little bag.

4:33 Japanese pens I like to stroll the boulevard and check for action.

4:37 [laughter]

4:39 Anyway, I'm in there and what do I hear?

4:40 Oh my god, it's Pitbull.

4:45 [laughter] And he's rapping about Men in Black 3.

4:48 And uh sure enough, this rapper has has had to bend the knee

4:53 to the studio executives and he's talking about we got to go back in time.

4:56 He's explaining the plot.

4:59 Do you know what I mean?

4:59 And again, that always freaks me out when rappers, you know,

5:04 Yeah, well, everybody needs I mean, imagine how much money they get.

5:07 You should try to do a rap for a movie.

5:10 You know what?

5:11 I I think maybe I'm jealous that no one's asked me.

5:15 Toy Story 5.

5:16 Thank you.

5:18 Thank you.

5:18 Now, my guess is Toy Story 5's coming out soon.

5:22 I'm in it.

5:23 And I'm a little I don't know.

5:25 I guess I guess I was thinking maybe in the back

5:27 of my mind they might want me involved in the soundtrack.

5:32 Yeah.

5:31 You know, no one wants to hear from Tim Allen and Tom Hanks anymore.

5:34 You know what I mean?

5:35 Been there, done that.

5:36 This is my chance to shine.

5:39 does a lot of the songs for the Toy Story movies,

5:41 but maybe we change it up this time.

5:44 Well, it's It's getting late.

5:46 My guess is they've figured this out already

5:48 cuz they've been working on this movie for years.

5:50 Um but if they haven't and who's to say I can't rap.

5:56 I did a movie last year.

5:57 People thought, "Well, he can't do a movie." Well, guess what?

5:59 I did.

6:00 So, I think I could rap the plot to a movie.

6:03 I think you can too.

6:03 First of all, your beatbox is your beatbox There you go.

6:07 There it is.

6:08 That's your beatbox game is off the charts.

6:11 That's not even chart adjacent.

6:14 Yeah.

6:13 off the chart and then so far away from the chart Yeah.

6:16 that no one can even see a chart near me.

6:18 [laughter] You know what I mean?

6:20 There's no clipboard.

6:21 There's no chart in sight.

6:22 If you had binoculars, you wouldn't see the chart.

6:25 I've heard you rap before and you do a throwback where you go,

6:27 "My name is Conan and I'm here to say, yeah." I like to go back

6:32 wants to hear right now.

6:33 early '80s.

6:34 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

6:35 Every rap should start with my name is blank, whoever you are, in my case Conan.

6:38 My name is [laughter] Conan and I'm here to say, I'm here to rap the USA.

6:42 That's how every rap should start.

6:44 throw Superman into any movie.

6:46 know, Superman aligns really well.

6:48 Superman Yeah, I got taste about Superman's beef a couple of hours ago.

6:51 You know, if you throw Superman

6:53 you.

6:53 You do beef house.

6:54 house you.

6:55 It's a lot of it.

6:55 Because I like to say, uh you know,

6:57 those bills will accrue um and then you

7:00 won't be able to afford your beef house you,

7:01 which was my favorite meal in high school.

7:03 The cafeteria had beef house you.

7:05 It's a juicy beef.

7:07 hard lyric.

7:08 Um quiet.

7:09 I mean, I respect uh-oh,

7:11 I'm getting a call right now from my What do you think Rick Sell wants?

7:15 That's my manager, Rick Rosen.

7:16 My agent.

7:17 you were doing a bit and going, "Yeah, what are you doing?

7:18 What are you doing?" Maybe he heard about me.

7:20 Maybe he's going to let you know there's a rap.

7:22 Hey, Rick.

7:22 Rick, you're on right now.

7:23 This is Rick Rosen.

7:24 He's one of the biggest agents in Hollywood.

7:26 Yeah, hi, Rick.

7:27 And that's Sona and uh and Blaze back there and and and David.

7:31 Rick, here's my question.

7:32 Do you think they've locked in the Toy Story 5 um soundtrack?

7:37 Is that probably locked in already?

7:38 Or do you think there's a chance I could do a song that would be in Story 5.

7:43 A rap.

7:43 A rap.

7:44 I think I think that if you were going to sing a song,

7:47 they'd erase the soundtrack that they have already locked in.

7:51 Yes.

7:51 Yeah.

7:52 So you're saying that if Randy Newman has already

7:55 written like a great song that's a tearjerker but also

7:59 a beautiful melody cuz I love Randy Newman and it's

8:01 set if I said if you called them right now,

8:04 you know, Disney Pixar and said Conan wants

8:07 to rap about the plot of Toy Story 5,

8:11 they would delete I don't mean just bump

8:14 it but delete [laughter] what Randy Newman has done.

8:17 I think they might even move the release date.

8:20 OH MY GOD.

8:22 [laughter] OH, NOW WE KNOW WHY RICK'S WE KNOW WHY RICK'S BEEN AROUND.

8:25 We know why Rick's been around for a long time.

8:28 Rick?

8:28 You're the best agent in the business.

8:30 I can't I'm so glad I took this call and I'm going to jump

8:33 off now but I will call you back when we're done wasting America's time.

8:36 I will I'll call you right back.

8:38 Um [laughter]

8:40 Bye.

8:39 I just hung up on him.

8:40 That's how big I am.

8:42 This guy runs Hollywood and I just And guess what?

8:47 I now don't have an agent.

8:50 [laughter]

8:49 That was fantastic.

8:51 And you know what?

8:51 That's why I That was perfect timing.

8:54 Surrounded by enablers.

8:55 I'm so I'm Hey, hello Sona.

8:57 How are you?

8:58 [laughter] You're my biggest enabler.

9:00 Haha, good one, boss.

9:04 [laughter]

9:03 I know.

9:05 So anyway, that is the goal.

9:07 The goal is I want to rap and I really want to get into the weeds

9:11 on the plot cuz that's my favorite thing is

9:14 when the rapper's like they got to get the jewel,

9:16 they got to take it up to that mountain.

9:18 You know what I mean?

9:19 They've got to meet Papa Smurf.

9:21 You know what I mean?

9:22 And then they got to go back in time.

9:24 But remember, me don't cross

9:28 [laughter]

9:27 Do you know what I mean?

9:29 Don't cross the the whatever,

9:31 the purple river cuz that means that what's another Smurf?

9:35 Uh Smurfette.

9:37 Okay, don't say it like I'm an idiot.

9:40 Smurfette, you idiot.

9:41 The girl one.

9:42 Okay, well, anyway.

9:44 girl.

9:44 These are the obsessions that I have.

9:46 They grip me, and what did I do, Eduardo?

9:48 Why don't you testify?

9:49 I come in hot today, and what did I make you do?

9:52 You made me play Pitbull's back in time.

9:55 Yeah, and you know what I did?

9:56 [laughter] I had you advance it to where?

9:59 44 seconds.

9:59 I said, "Go 44 seconds in." I said,

10:02 "Start at 44 seconds because that's where Pitbull comes in with the rap.

10:06 I don't want to waste time not hearing Pitbull rap.

10:09 Not only that.

10:10 Conan texts me days in advance warning me that he wants this to be the highlight

10:16 44 seconds?

10:16 How do you know that?

10:17 How Do you listen to it in your car

10:19 Well, yes.

10:21 often?

10:21 Duh!

10:21 That's such a big duh.

10:23 You know what?

10:23 I had to unlock my jaw [laughter] to get this duh out.

10:27 Like a snake, I had to unlock my jaw to push more duh out of my face.

10:31 [laughter] Yes.

10:33 I heard Pitbull in a Blick's Art Supplies store, right?

10:38 And sorry, Blick's [laughter] Art Supplies, whatever.

10:41 If they're going to give us free you got to give their right name.

10:44 I don't know.

10:44 Who cares?

10:45 They're lucky I'm talking about them.

10:47 [laughter] And uh and and I I hear it.

10:51 I'm obsessed.

10:52 I get in the car.

10:53 I have to hear it some more.

10:54 Then I notice when Okay,

10:56 I really like it when it starts right in on the on the rapping with Pitbull.

11:00 There's a big preamble that takes 44 seconds

11:05 [laughter] before we get to hear about Miami.

11:07 You got to go back in time.

11:08 He knows the exact seconds.

11:10 No, I did.

11:11 Well, that's what I'm saying.

11:12 I know exactly what second.

11:13 So, I said, and then I come in today.

11:15 two.

11:15 You're like, "Wait, wait, verse two." Yeah.

11:19 Yeah, I know exa- What are you talking about?

11:21 You You played it three times in the car when we drove around yesterday.

11:25 And now, I fooled David.

11:26 So, David was driving me around yesterday.

11:29 I make make a chauffeur's cap, which I think is illegal,

11:31 and I sit in the back of his What is What kind of car do you drive?

11:34 A Hyundai?

11:35 Yeah.

11:35 He said I sit in the back of his Hyundai and I make him wear a tiny,

11:38 tiny chauffeur's cap.

11:40 [laughter]

11:39 It's It looks like a little yarmulke on his head.

11:42 And it's got a little rubber band that holds it on his head.

11:45 So, I'm sitting in the back and I and I fooled you because

11:48 I said cuz I've been playing with a band recently, and I said, "Oh,

11:52 we worked out a really good tune, and we have a recording of it." And he went,

11:55 "Oh, really?" And I went, "Yeah, do you want to hear it?

11:57 It's the first recording." And he went,

11:58 "Yeah." And I started to play Pitbull's Back in Time,

12:02 and you for a second What did you think?

12:06 I turned and I said, "You really recorded this with the band?"

12:09 No.

12:09 I don't know.

12:10 I'm usually I don't know what happened to me.

12:12 tell when Mr.

12:13 Worldwide is is rapping?

12:14 I thought like he made the band play it.

12:18 No.

12:17 And then he got me again later cuz he

12:19 And then he started to hear the rap, and it's Pitbull rapping,

12:23 and he thought for a second, "I guess Conan could have DONE THAT." OH, NO.

12:28 OH, BLASPHEMY.

12:29 And then later he said, "Hey, can I plug my phone in?

12:31 I've been really into this Tate McRae song."

12:34 Yeah.

12:34 And then he played it again.

12:35 okay, I'd like to hear that." And then I hit, of course, what did I hit?

12:38 Pitbull Back in Time.

12:40 And blasted you again, and you WERE LIKE, "WHY DO I BELIEVE HIM?" I'VE GOT IT.

12:45 "I really want to play this new Tate McRae song." [laughter]

12:49 Fool me once, shame on me.

12:51 Fool me twice, you're David Hopping.

12:54 [laughter]

12:54 Sometimes big things come in small packages.

12:57 I hear that all the time, and I think,

12:59 "Yeah, but what do you What are you talking about?

13:00 Be specific." I can never think of an example, and then today I thought of one.

13:05 Check it out.

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13:25 Are you a Fanta fan?

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13:29 Are you a loyalist for Cherry Coke?

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13:42 Yeah.

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13:45 Yeah.

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13:47 pillow as a way of saying I'm thinking of you.

13:50 Aw, that's that's nice.

13:52 nice.

13:52 Yeah, if I did that my wife would be like, "Hey, this is nice."

13:55 You love me.

13:56 love me after all.

13:59 Yeah.

13:59 It's a mini that can bring some big can vibes.

14:01 It really can.

14:02 Oh, okay.

14:03 Coca-Cola mini can big deal now available on the go.

14:07 Many men don't recognize mental health challenges until they've already

14:10 taken a toll because struggle doesn't always look like struggle.

14:14 Pressures show up in everyday places at work, home, relationships.

14:17 Those pressures build slowly often without being noticed.

14:21 In season 3 of the Visibility Gap, Dr.

14:24 Guy Winch and his guests explore how to spot these pressures earlier and what it

14:28 takes for men not to just open up but to get the support they need.

14:33 This is important stuff.

14:34 Listen to the new season of the Visibility Gap presented by Cigna Healthcare.

14:37 My guest today stars as Sal Saperstein

14:40 in the Emmy Award-winning Apple TV Plus series The Studio.

14:43 He now has a new trivia podcast called

14:46 Funny You Ask with new episodes every Wednesday.

14:50 He's a very funny guy and I've always enjoyed

14:53 him very much and uh excited he's here today.

14:56 Ike Barinholtz, welcome.

15:01 [music]

15:03 I'm so happy you're here.

15:04 You are a fine fellow, hilariously funny, and now we get to hang.

15:10 Now, we had a brief interaction recently

15:13 at a pizza restaurant and I remembered saying,

15:16 I think to the waiter, "Can you escort this man away?"

15:19 Yes, yes.

15:19 I was there with my family.

15:20 It was my daughter's birthday.

15:22 And all I did was I just gave Conan

15:23 a wave across the restaurant and we sat down.

15:26 A couple of minutes later some of the staff came out and said,

15:28 "Sir, you need to leave." them.

15:30 [laughter]

15:30 Yeah.

15:31 Which was it was And they took you away from your daughter.

15:34 Yeah, no.

15:35 I was

15:35 started crying and she said,

15:37 "Why they take my daddy away?" AND I SAID, "SHUT IT!" [laughter]

15:41 WHICH AND NOW WHENEVER we see Conan on screen, my daughter goes, "Daddy." Yeah.

15:47 She [laughter] points at him and then goes, "Daddy." Which is nice.

15:50 I'm fine with it now after a lot of ketamine [laughter] therapy.

15:53 I'm okay with it.

15:54 I legitimately want to be your friend.

15:56 I think a lot of phonies come on this show and they say,

15:58 "Oh, I want to be your friend." And they they don't care.

16:01 They don't.

16:01 And you know what?

16:02 I try to follow up with a lot of them.

16:04 I can't get through.

16:05 No, no, no.

16:05 No one wants to talk to me.

16:06 I'm here cuz I truly want to be your friend more so than these vipers.

16:11 Yes.

16:11 These are not your friends.

16:12 They are happy when you fail.

16:13 They are the little fish that grab onto the larger

16:16 more productive mammal and um suck it of its life essence.

16:20 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

16:20 I won't I won't suck your essence.

16:22 No, no, you will.

16:23 [laughter] No matter how much you ask.

16:25 If you want to get ahead in this business, you will suck my essence.

16:29 [laughter] It's the way it goes.

16:33 Um Ike, we have a lot to talk about and uh first of all,

16:38 I am a huge fan of the studio and I love your work in the studio.

16:42 You also have this new podcast which is trivia-based which I'm very

16:46 excited about because I know you to be a a trivia maven.

16:52 I was going to say maven and you beat me to it.

16:53 You are a [laughter]

16:55 Jeopardy celebrity Jeopardy champ.

16:58 You won a million dollars for charity of which I'm told you took $600,000.

17:04 you know the phrase you got to wet your beak?

17:07 Yes.

17:07 Yeah, the the charity got money.

17:11 [laughter]

17:10 They got paid.

17:11 They're fine.

17:11 It was for

17:13 I think pediatric oncology.

17:18 Yes.

17:16 And you took $600,000.

17:20 First of all, if you said to someone,

17:21 "I want to give you $400,000." That sounds pretty great, right?

17:24 Let's leave that there.

17:27 [laughter] I have an infrastructure, I have business,

17:29 I have people that I have to pay to make sure that I'm able to get to Jeopardy.

17:34 Okay, you talk that way, Ike,

17:35 but when I saw you at the pizza restaurant in Santa Barbara,

17:39 I did notice when you left cuz I made you leave

17:43 Yeah.

17:42 that you got into a very expensive Bugatti.

17:46 Yes.

17:46 [laughter]

17:47 And the license plate was number four charity.

17:52 [laughter] That's when I say I'm playing for charity, you don't specify it.

17:58 Did I get a Bugatti that has four cars for my family?

18:02 Yes.

18:04 [laughter] We drive up and down Montecito.

18:05 You see Everyone's seen a motorcycle with a pod.

18:07 But I have a pod here, a pod here, a pod in the back, and a pod in the

18:11 [laughter]

18:10 They're all amazing.

18:11 They're all lashed.

18:12 It's smaller Bugattis attached to the larger Bugatti.

18:16 And they're lashed together, so they take up both lanes

18:20 Yes.

18:22 oncoming.

18:21 So, cars have to He has a You have a car that goes ahead of you

18:25 Yeah, we have a follow car.

18:26 You have a follow car.

18:26 You have a follow car.

18:27 You have a follow car.

18:28 Well, you have a follow car that goes ahead of you

18:29 and lays down orange cones to keep people off the road.

18:33 is why I need money to pay these people.

18:34 They don't work for free.

18:35 You [laughter] That's what I All I wanted to say was to get Ike Barinholtz here.

18:41 WHO'S EVERYONE'S LIKE, "OH, HE'S SO FUNNY.

18:42 He's such a good guy." Ripped off this charity in the name of charity jeopardy.

18:48 Uh-huh.

18:49 Ridiculous.

18:49 I also won a a million dollars on Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

18:52 That's true.

18:52 Yeah, so I've done two celebrity game shows.

18:55 money And you got to keep all that money?

18:57 That money went straight to me, baby.

18:58 No, that went [laughter] Everything went to charity.

19:01 Every dime went to charity, unfortunately.

19:03 This has kept me off these charity shows.

19:06 I won't I'm I'm sorry.

19:08 It has I'm just being I'm sorry.

19:10 I can't do it.

19:11 I can't do it.

19:11 I work hard.

19:13 I don't want to go on Celebrity Jeopardy if

19:15 I'm not getting a major piece of that dough.

19:19 Okay.

19:19 just been my policy since day one, [laughter]

19:21 you know?

19:23 I do think you would do a good job on it.

19:25 does.

19:25 Charitable organizations, they get soft if they just get the money.

19:29 Do you know what I mean?

19:29 to work for it.

19:30 They got to earn it.

19:31 it and it will make them stronger.

19:34 Anyway, this may be an unpopular stance.

19:37 [laughter]

19:37 And if anyone thinks that I'm on the wrong track here,

19:39 feel free to let us know on idontcare.org.

19:44 [laughter]

19:44 It is good that you guys got an organizational status for that.

19:49 [laughter]

19:48 That is that to me that reeks of dot com.

19:51 But you guys did the paperwork,

19:53 paid the the the fees and now it's an organization.

19:56 the fees, but okay.

19:57 [laughter] Um, listen,

19:58 we could screw around like this all day and it would make me very happy,

20:02 but so much to talk about.

20:04 We have points of commonality here and that's always a good place to start,

20:08 which is I remember being and I've thought about this a lot recently,

20:13 um, that my interest in comedy really began with my dad

20:18 and I know that similar dynamic with you growing up,

20:21 Chicago area, right?

20:23 Big comedy house.

20:24 Mom and dad, both, loved SCTV, loved Saturday Night Live.

20:31 And then somebody really loved Taxi.

20:33 I remember like my first memory was them

20:34 watching Taxi and thinking like Jim was funny.

20:38 And but there is something about them laughing that it's very nurturing.

20:42 That's why because I don't want my kids to be in comedy,

20:45 we don't laugh at all in the house.

20:47 [snorts]

20:47 We [laughter] watch serious documentaries.

20:50 Yeah.

20:50 I I watch comedy, but I wear an iron mask so they can't see that I'm laughing.

20:58 [laughter]

20:58 And so I've watched some of the funniest stuff wearing an iron mask.

21:01 watching Step Brothers and just a full mask.

21:02 [laughter]

21:03 a full mask.

21:04 No gesticulation.

21:05 I painted I Well, actually, I didn't paint it.

21:08 I'll admit to that.

21:08 I had a very good artist paint a frown on the Iron Mask so that Yeah,

21:13 I cuz I don't It's the same thing.

21:15 I want them both working for the any kind of electric company.

21:18 Yes, that's steady good steady work.

21:20 Working for the power grid.

21:21 Everyone needs power.

21:22 So you're watching your parents laugh and then you get this jolt

21:26 and one of the cool things about your story is that you

21:31 very literally then pulled your dad as you had success as you've

21:36 had success over the years you have taken your dad along

21:41 Right.

21:41 and and given him his chance cuz he didn't go into comedy.

21:43 My dad was a research scientist doctor researcher nerd [laughter]

21:50 I apologize.

21:51 I apologize.

21:52 He told me he was a jock.

21:54 Sorry [laughter] guys.

21:55 But he said it as he was holding

21:56 a microscope and wearing very short Bermuda shorts.

22:00 [laughter] That's when I knew.

22:05 I am When someone tells you and he didn't say jock, he said I'm a real jockster.

22:11 [laughter]

22:10 So I suspected that wasn't the case.

22:12 Uh my dad wanted to be in comedy and he auditioned

22:15 for Second City when he was like really young and and and then

22:19 he it was just like too hard and he my mom was

22:21 pregnant and he was like I'm just going to go to law school.

22:24 I'll just go to law school and make

22:25 I'll become an attorney and have steady work.

22:27 And then he kind of took me to see

22:29 my first improv show and I remember seeing like Amy

22:33 Poehler and Chris Farley Tim Meadows in particular was so

22:37 funny that I was like I want to do this.

22:38 And then years later my brother did it and our dad was

22:41 watching from the outside looking He was watching from the inside looking out.

22:46 And long story short,

22:48 he a couple years ago got a call to put himself on tape for a random show

22:53 where they needed a judge and that became

22:54 Jury Duty and now he is an LA-based actor.

23:00 [laughter] He's doing a movie right now with Jennifer Garner.

23:04 [laughter] And it's pretty wonderful.

23:05 His career has far outstripped yours.

23:07 Oh, me and my brother are in the

23:08 And the reason you're here today is he cancelled.

23:11 Yeah, okay.

23:11 That's That's what it was.

23:12 He was the big get.

23:14 That's what it was.

23:14 Okay.

23:14 All right.

23:15 I get it.

23:16 Alan is your dad, right?

23:17 Yeah, and so what's so cool is that and and working on the studio,

23:23 um he played a part in the studio.

23:25 Didn't he have a cameo?

23:26 the projectionist on the studio.

23:28 I know you're a fan of the studio because um

23:33 [laughter] I I uh like everyone was destroyed when we lost Catherine O'Hara.

23:38 Yes, yeah.

23:38 And she had this memorial service and my family and I

23:41 were appropriately in Canada that weekend so we couldn't go.

23:45 [snorts] And I talked to Seth Rogen when I got back.

23:47 I was like, "How was it?" He goes, "It was really beautiful.

23:49 It was really sad." Conan came up to me [clears throat]

23:52 and he said, "She was incredible in the show.

23:55 Yeah.

23:55 If you're replacing her, I would like to be considered." [laughter]

23:58 Yeah.

24:00 Conan.

23:59 Yeah, I did.

24:00 I did.

24:00 And I was I was yeah,

24:03 and I I thought it was I had it was the memorial and I had an 8 by 10.

24:09 [laughter]

24:08 And it had the quad split of me as a nerd

24:11 on a safari.

24:12 Yeah, on a safari, me as an ice cream vendor.

24:16 [laughter]

24:16 Ice cream vendor is a real

24:18 And

24:18 niche role specifically.

24:20 Yeah.

24:20 And Seth said, "I don't think this is the right time."

24:23 Yeah, it's inappropriate.

24:24 And I said, "When is the right time?

24:26 Would later today be okay?" So that was That's on me.

24:30 That is on you.

24:32 But they're still trying to figure it out.

24:33 So yeah.

24:35 [laughter]

24:35 The season's done.

24:36 I get mistaken for a woman a lot.

24:38 So that's in my favor.

24:40 I live in this neighborhood so I see you.

24:43 I remember I was I was at my vet one time and I saw you walking

24:47 down the street and there was a guy in front of you who clearly worked with you.

24:51 And you were slapping him on the shoulder

24:55 Probably a writer.

24:56 Probably a writer.

24:56 It's

24:57 shaking it.

24:59 [laughter] It would be either Mike Sweeney or Matt O'Brien.

25:02 I have certain writers and Matt O'Brien in particular, no relation.

25:05 I tell everyone he was my cousin and I

25:07 had to hire him even though he's not funny.

25:10 [laughter]

25:10 And he's a brilliant writer.

25:11 He's really funny.

25:12 He's no relation.

25:13 It's just such a common last name.

25:15 But um I'm very comfortable giving him a physical beating.

25:21 Yeah.

25:20 I'm very tactile, too.

25:21 I touch people.

25:23 I I kind of grab my friends

25:25 Yeah, I I I grew up with a lot of there's a lot of grabbing,

25:30 wrestling and growing up.

25:32 Irish Catholics and Jews are both tactile.

25:34 Like we like to touch.

25:35 I like to get my hands on consenting males.

25:39 Um and um it's uh Yeah, that covers it for the law.

25:46 Um

25:48 [laughter]

25:48 I think I'm okay now.

25:49 I'm good now.

25:50 You're doing this outside.

25:53 yeah.

25:53 Yeah, out on the street, yeah.

25:55 You know Matt O'Brien can take a beating.

25:57 He's there's people who recognize you who are

25:58 like why is Conan doing that to that man?

26:01 later on that wasn't me.

26:03 It was a different 6'6".

26:04 [laughter]

26:08 Um Well, here's the thing cuz you talk about comedy and these influences,

26:12 the studio I was really happy that [clears throat]

26:15 that I heard you say this uh in an interview,

26:18 but I do love the studio and then I heard you talking [clears throat]

26:22 a while ago about how much the Larry Sanders Show meant to you and I thought,

26:26 oh, this is interesting to me cuz I loved Larry Sanders

26:29 Show and there's a similarity in between Larry Sanders and the studio.

26:34 They're both about the business and there are specific ways if

26:38 you're in show business um that you can pick apart certain things.

26:43 Say, well, well, that's not really how it is.

26:46 And for me watching Larry Sanders back when I was doing

26:49 a late night show and there was one writer on the show.

26:53 Right, [laughter] right, right, right.

26:54 And and Larry would be Wallace Langham.

26:56 Yeah.

26:56 I would see things that if you're in it, you can pick apart,

27:01 but those are irrelevant because they're getting the essential soul of it right.

27:05 Also, the thing too, if you did like an exact version of what it's like,

27:10 it would be kind of boring, right?

27:12 It would be like it's like, "Oh, we're in a car.

27:14 We're driving to the lot,

27:16 and we're going to talk to a director." In In real life, they show up,

27:19 they say hi for a few minutes,

27:20 and then they leave, but we want people to watch it.

27:24 Yes.

27:26 [laughter] And also, I always want to believe

27:27 when I'm backstage that there will be showgirls,

27:30 two people in a horse costume.

27:31 Yes, classic.

27:32 I wanted to do a late-night show that had that backstage.

27:36 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

27:36 So, that almost influenced what kind of comedy we did.

27:40 I wanted horse costumes.

27:41 I wanted people dressed as soldiers.

27:44 Masturbating bears.

27:45 masturbating bears.

27:46 I wanted all that backstage, you know?

27:48 [laughter]

27:49 Shout out Brian Stack, by the way.

27:50 Brian Stack.

27:51 Conan O'Brien, legend.

27:53 Brian Stack.

27:54 Yeah.

27:55 Yeah.

27:55 He is And you know what?

27:56 I had a very sweet moment with Stephen Colbert, uh cuz Brian Stack,

28:00 one of the great all-time writers and writer-performers uh on my show,

28:07 who did so many great characters and was so

28:09 prolific and was such a voice of the show.

28:13 Um he went to work for Stephen Colbert after we shut our thing down,

28:18 and um has done great work for him for many years.

28:21 I went This is a couple of months ago.

28:23 I'm in New York.

28:24 I call Stephen, he says, "Come on by." And I went,

28:26 and I'm hanging out in Stephen's office,

28:28 and we're chatting for a long time about different things,

28:30 late-night war stories.

28:32 And then he had to get to rehearsal,

28:35 and then he was going to show me out or have his uh his assistant show me out.

28:39 And so, we would leave his office,

28:40 and there's a flat screen up in his uh assistant's

28:44 office right outside his office in the Ed and Eleanor.

28:48 And on the screen they're rehearsing a comedy piece and it's

28:51 Brian Stack wearing a ridiculous costume with his wife Miriam incredibly

28:56 talented Miriam and incredible actress really funny and such a great

29:03 such a big part of our late night show as well.

29:05 They're both on screen going like now

29:07 YOU LISTEN HERE AND THEY'RE WEARING RIDICULOUS COSTUMES

29:10 and I'm looking at it and I realize I was looking at that in 1993.

29:16 Yeah.

29:15 On the screen as I went down to my late night

29:18 show here it is 2025 at the time and nothing's changed.

29:25 Stack looks a little older Miriam looks exactly

29:28 the same and [laughter] they're like now you

29:30 listen here I'm going to tell you right

29:32 now YOU KNOW WE'RE THE WATERMELON HEADS OR WHATEVER.

29:37 [laughter] Colbert and I just lost it like there's no escaping

29:41 this that face on a rehearsal cam and it will exist forever.

29:46 [laughter]

29:46 But I have to talk to you about this you had this experience because you

29:52 you No no.

29:52 [laughter] What what What is it What is it

29:54 here a sixsome.

29:56 Well there was there was two

29:58 I see you had a threesome twice got

30:00 [laughter]

30:00 different separated by many hours a math okay it says here SIX

30:06 [laughter]

30:07 SIX I LOVE YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE MY research says here six

30:12 [laughter] Yeah six No three six three vag okay.

30:17 [laughter] I'M TELLING YOU WHAT HAPPENED

30:19 YOUR researcher is incredibly base.

30:21 Oh and they're I have [laughter] to say Yeah three yeah three vag.

30:25 Let me see.

30:27 Oh that is me THAT IS ME

30:29 [laughter]

30:29 OKAY I TAKE IT back the guy's working hard.

30:30 You're giving uh high-fiving the cameraman um Well it's MY DAD.

30:37 HE'S MY FRIEND.

30:40 [laughter]

30:39 And he also happens to be doing a great job.

30:42 He's like, "Get it, son.

30:43 Get it." Um [laughter] just like I told him.

30:47 You know what?

30:48 Tell Alan that he's mentioned

30:51 [laughter]

30:50 in the podcast.

30:52 Got to listen to the whole way.

30:53 to listen to the whole thing.

30:54 When you get to the six-some where you're filming me

30:58 and you're listening with mom, just do me a favor and be like,

31:00 "Ah, I'm losing the signal." or something.

31:02 [laughter] And then just hit Yeah.

31:03 Plus 15 part.

31:04 know what happened there.

31:06 Did they say six-some?

31:07 No, no.

31:09 [laughter]

31:11 He said Rex them.

31:12 Rex them.

31:13 Rex them.

31:14 They talked about Ryan Reynolds' football team.

31:17 [laughter]

31:19 What's wrong with you?

31:20 What's wrong?

31:21 What's wrong with me?

31:21 It's him.

31:22 He's the one that did it.

31:23 I went there.

31:23 I'm sorry.

31:25 So, the um

31:27 [laughter]

31:27 there's this thing that I heard about uh years and years ago,

31:30 one of the early early travel things I did,

31:32 travel shows I did, was I went to I can't remember.

31:36 I think it was related to some kind of promotion.

31:39 They were going to have our late-night show appear in some European markets.

31:42 They asked me to go to Amsterdam.

31:44 And I also think maybe Cologne, Germany.

31:47 And so, I traveled there and thought, "Well,

31:50 we should record this." So, we're in Amsterdam,

31:54 and I only found out later on that there I

31:57 think I was stopped by someone on the street who said,

31:58 "Hey Conan, we're a bunch of Americans who are

32:01 doing uh improv." Uh which was how I began.

32:06 It was improv, not stand-up.

32:07 And he said, "We're doing improv uh here in Amsterdam.

32:10 Can you stop by?" And I remember saying,

32:12 "I'll try to." And then I couldn't cuz we were busy shooting all this stuff.

32:16 And also, I just didn't want to go.

32:17 Um

32:18 [clears throat] [laughter]

32:19 which I didn't I didn't have to mention.

32:21 Why do that?

32:21 Why not just say I was too busy?

32:22 Well, no, but I get it.

32:23 You're in a foreign country.

32:25 You're working.

32:26 Saying to someone, "You want to watch some improv?" is is can be a tall order,

32:29 especially for someone who's done improv.

32:30 But it was very mean what you said.

32:31 Please continue.

32:34 [laughter]

32:34 No, but I'm remembering now how not busy I was.

32:37 Well, now you're just gilding the mean lily, I would [laughter] say.

32:41 No, I have my my research.

32:42 I put my schedule in.

32:45 TWO WHOLE DAYS OF nothing to do in Amsterdam.

32:50 Yeah.

32:52 [laughter]

32:51 Just nothing.

32:52 Nothing.

32:52 It's a tundra.

32:53 It's a vast

32:54 All I have is wake up and see the matrix.

32:58 Yeah.

32:58 [laughter]

33:00 See the matrix twice, it says.

33:03 [laughter]

33:03 And then {question mark} {question mark} nothing else to do.

33:06 Um no.

33:07 that down?

33:08 I did not have uh I didn't have time to go do it,

33:11 but then I later found out from Seth Meyers

33:15 that he was part of that troop at that time.

33:18 Um and I'm thinking I wish I'd gone by and met

33:20 everybody because that'd be cool and see what they were up to.

33:24 And it's this thing called Boom Chicago that's in Amsterdam and you did this.

33:29 Yes.

33:30 I replaced Seth, basically.

33:33 Right.

33:32 Right.

33:32 Like It was like 1994,

33:34 like these three American guys are

33:35 backpacking through Europe and they love Amsterdam.

33:38 And they're like, "This is the best city.

33:39 The comedy is terrible." The comedy scene in Amsterdam at the time

33:43 was still like old European cabaret stuff where it's like,

33:47 you know, uh Hans and Joep.

33:50 And in the second act, he will wear a dress.

33:53 Right.

33:53 [laughter]

33:54 And it was like, "What the fuck?"

33:55 It always ends with, "Let's go buy some wooden shoes."

33:58 Yes, it's the blow to every sketch.

34:00 It a lot of clogs.

34:01 A lot of clogs.

34:02 Very clog heavy.

34:04 [laughter]

34:04 Um and so they like what if we opened

34:05 a second city style theater that was some sketch,

34:08 some music, some improv and stuff.

34:09 And at first it was just like uh like five or six of them in the back of a bar.

34:13 I believe Miriam

34:16 Yep.

34:16 Flynn was one of the Tolan was one of the first ones, rather.

34:19 Yep.

34:19 Um Later Miriam Stack.

34:21 Miriam Stack, later Miriam Stack.

34:22 And uh by the time I got there, it was like a big theater.

34:25 Like like it was like a 250,

34:28 300 seat dinner theater and the appeal if you were in Chicago for me was like

34:33 oh you don't need a day job anymore cuz I had a horrible day job that was

34:36 killing me and then at night I would do improv and to go I'd never been

34:40 to Europe I was 22 years old and I went and I had a threesome every day.

34:47 [laughter]

34:46 I was there for two years.

34:48 That's like 700 that's like 21,000 sexual experiences I had.

34:54 With all different people a lot of A lot of

34:57 You know once you're in it it doesn't matter.

34:59 This is this was in the 90s.

35:02 Yeah.

35:03 Yeah before 9/11.

35:05 Yeah.

35:04 Um and it was but it was incredible.

35:08 I got there and I learned how to perform big

35:11 because in Chicago I was doing a ton of improv

35:13 in Chicago and in Chicago you can kind of you

35:17 can score without having to go big in Chicago.

35:19 You can come in and drop a really funny reference.

35:22 You can play like kind of a cool character and you're

35:25 in a small room you're going to get a big laugh.

35:27 But going there and having to perform for people who

35:30 don't speak English necessarily or don't understand your reference base

35:34 at all that taught me how to I think like

35:37 be bigger and kind of perform for for the masses.

35:41 I want to talk about Mother's Day.

35:42 You came to mind.

35:43 You're a mom.

35:44 I'm a mom.

35:44 I'm the Godfather to your two boys.

35:48 Yep.

35:48 Maybe the most important adult figure in their lives.

35:51 Oh okay.

35:51 I don't remember there being a Godfather's Day.

35:54 Well [laughter] it's a good it's a good point there should

35:57 be but that's not what I want to talk about.

35:58 David and I wanted to get you something and so I

36:01 thought hey you know we're big fans of Macy's and Macy's online

36:04 gift guide has some great ideas and so I asked David

36:08 to check that out and come up with some notions for you.

36:12 Well that's really nice.

36:12 Thank you David.

36:14 and I think you're going to be happy it's my money.

36:15 Well thank you David.

36:16 I mean he did the leg work.

36:17 My money.

36:18 And you're going to be happy because we didn't get you just

36:20 one thing or two we got you three things for Mother's Day.

36:24 Yeah.

36:24 All right.

36:25 I was afraid this is really nice.

36:26 Thank you David.

36:26 I was afraid this would spoil you getting three things

36:29 cuz next year you'll be like now I want four.

36:31 But anyway David

36:32 All right, if I can have your attention to the screen.

36:34 The first thing for Mother's Day we got

36:35 you a Michael Kors Nolita large hobo shoulder bag.

36:39 Michael Kors, you know that's good stuff.

36:40 Yeah, I like hobo stuff, too.

36:42 like you need a big bag.

36:43 I do.

36:44 You have a lot of things to carry.

36:46 Sona likes to go to a restaurant and maybe take a few rolls or a dessert.

36:50 And sometimes a salt and pepper shaker.

36:52 That'll fit nicely into this uh Michael Kors bag.

36:55 Next up we have the Oracle Jet Automatic Espresso machine by Breville.

36:59 That is nice.

37:00 Breville uh great machine.

37:02 And look at that thing, it's gorgeous.

37:04 any coffee you want.

37:05 You're cool with this?

37:06 Cuz this is $2,000?

37:08 the car, he's cool with it.

37:10 I didn't know it was but I don't think

37:12 I'm going to say that much cuz that's Breville, that's quality stuff.

37:15 That is good stuff.

37:15 I don't even drink coffee, but I just want it.

37:18 Well, also wouldn't that look cool on your counter?

37:20 It would.

37:20 I love it.

37:21 your husband doesn't Zach drink coffee?

37:23 He does, but he doesn't drink like fancy coffee.

37:25 Until now.

37:27 Yeah.

37:27 And the third thing we got you

37:28 a Meural 10.1 inch digital calendar and photo frame.

37:32 Yeah, he asked me how big should it be and I said do they have 10.1 inches?

37:36 And he said actually they do.

37:38 That's so specific.

37:39 you can sync um you know Conan's calendar if you want to know what he's up to.

37:43 If you want to know what I'm up

37:44 to which you don't seem that interested in these days.

37:47 all.

37:46 And I still employ you, it's weird.

37:48 still have access to all that information.

37:50 I just choose not to look at it.

37:52 These are great gifts.

37:53 These are all for you for Mother's Day.

37:55 Well, thank you very much.

37:57 one?

37:57 No, I we I we said all three.

37:59 Thank you, David.

38:00 think next time I don't I didn't say yes to all three.

38:02 lot of parameters.

38:03 I really didn't, but you could use common sense,

38:05 that's always the best parameter.

38:07 means so much to you and it's Mother's Day.

38:09 Sona, I want you to have these and and a big thanks to Macy's.

38:13 They've got this great online gift guide and David,

38:16 thanks to you for doing what I probably should have done on my own.

38:20 Yeah.

38:20 But I'm too entitled.

38:21 Keeps me employed.

38:22 All right, Uh there you go.

38:23 Let Macy's be your guide to gifting for Mother's Day.

38:25 Shop now online or in store.

38:28 Well, I when I was 22, senior in college and about to graduate,

38:34 I knew I was like, "I want to do stand-up,

38:36 but I'm very interested in improv." And a lot of people in 1985,

38:40 I would say I want to do improv, they didn't know what it was.

38:43 Um and so, I wrote a letter to Sollins?

38:48 Sollins.

38:48 Oh, Bernie Sollins?

38:49 I I find out the name Bernie Sollins,

38:51 I wrote a letter, and it was this very formal,

38:53 I wish I had a copy of it,

38:54 but it was very formal typed letter that said, "Dear Mr.

38:58 Sollins, my name is Conan O'Brien, and I've been, you know,

39:01 president Lampoon, and I've done all this work in comedy,

39:04 and I wish now to do improv, and I would like to come to Chicago.

39:06 Is there a way I could join your troop?" I didn't know about the classes,

39:10 I didn't know Right.

39:11 And I basically got like a form letter back that said,

39:13 um I was I was asking, basically,

39:16 can I come be a part of the show as opposed to can I move to Chicago,

39:20 start taking classes, and try and work my way in?

39:22 I just didn't know what it was all about.

39:25 Um I got a sort of a form letter back saying, "That's not really how it works."

39:29 Bernie Sollins just took some of his cigar ashes in an envelope and like,

39:32 "Here you go." Bernie Sollins has a famous line where

39:35 they were he was directing a Second City show or something,

39:37 and someone was pitching a sketch, and the another actor was like, "Yeah,

39:41 but we kind of did a version of this sketch in the last show.

39:43 It's kind of the same joke." And Bernie Sollins goes,

39:46 "Look, there's seven jokes.

39:50 [laughter] And it's all about how you tell them."

39:52 Seven jokes?

39:53 Yeah, he's like, "There's only seven real jokes." There's only five.

39:58 [laughter] This is mind-blowing to me.

39:59 we have a couple of extra bonus ones.

40:00 All right.

40:01 Uh yeah.

40:02 Uh sausage and then uh yeah.

40:04 Hot dogs and the Cubs.

40:05 Yeah, and our Cubs.

40:06 Ditka

40:07 [laughter]

40:06 Ditka and then sausage.

40:08 Big one.

40:08 But, I uh yeah, I was intrigued by that, and so

40:12 when you guys talk about there was a um I mean,

40:18 it wouldn't exist when I was going there,

40:20 but the idea of being 22 and living in Amsterdam and doing

40:25 comedy I would go I almost want to do that now.

40:29 You can.

40:29 Like I at my age I've I would want to go and do it now because

40:35 I can make one phone call and you will be in the Boom Chicago cast.

40:38 They would be [laughter] thrilled to have you.

40:40 They're going to have to fire one

40:41 of the younger current cast members, but you know what?

40:43 I think it's worth the squeeze.

40:46 [laughter] I was going to say that same saying

40:48 and then I realized I don't know what it means.

40:52 [laughter] And I've never heard of it before and that's why I didn't say it.

40:57 [laughter] Um I think it's funny when someone

40:59 who's established in their career and old very

41:02 old and has like really is set financially

41:06 goes and takes work away from young people.

41:08 That's funny to me.

41:09 It's funny and it's a good life lesson for them.

41:11 Yeah.

41:12 Yeah.

41:13 Yes.

41:13 Work hard or not, it doesn't matter.

41:15 Someone more famous and rich might come in and take your anyway.

41:18 Like Conan O'Brien can come in and go this Hey, you know what?

41:21 This amuses me.

41:23 Great job you got here.

41:24 Would be a shame if something happened to it like I took it.

41:28 [laughter]

41:28 I'm going to live in the fanciest house in Amsterdam.

41:31 My house is on a boat.

41:33 Yeah, I'm going to have [laughter] a big boat house

41:34 and I'M GOING TO DROP BY and do some BAD IMPROV

41:40 [laughter]

41:39 AND YOU CAN HIT the road.

41:41 This is I'm so happy with all these life choices I'm making here.

41:46 [laughter]

41:46 Well, I I think that this sounds fantastic.

41:48 It sounds

41:49 so much fun and it was a great group.

41:51 It was you know a Seth Meyers, I kind of replaced him,

41:54 but he would [snorts] come back a lot.

41:55 His brother Josh Meyers was there.

41:57 Jordan Peele was there.

42:00 Jason Sudeikis, Liz Cackowski, Kay Cannon and Jill Benjamin.

42:03 All these great performers were there and it was a really great time, too.

42:06 It was '99, 2000.

42:08 It was before the Euro.

42:10 So we still had the Guilder.

42:11 You were on the Dutch guilder and it was two guilders to a dollar.

42:15 Isn't that crazy?

42:15 I picture you guys having leather pouches with gold coins in them.

42:19 leather pouches.

42:20 be paid by someone tossing you a leather pouch and you'd catch it.

42:23 [laughter]

42:23 That was basically what it was.

42:25 your saddlebag and go.

42:28 [clears throat]

42:27 We get Get on our mule and go back to our village.

42:30 It [laughter] was a beautiful It was really beautiful.

42:32 It was just a special time for me.

42:33 Nice show today, here's a SACK OF GUILDERS.

42:38 [laughter]

42:38 BUT we still go back.

42:39 I took my family there last year and and it's Amsterdam is an amazing city.

42:44 Really one of the greatest cities in the world.

42:47 I love it and that has nothing to do with the abundant legal drugs.

42:51 That's a separate thing that I love.

42:53 It has nothing to do with the charm and and feel of the city.

42:56 Yeah.

42:57 Yeah.

42:57 And then the drugs, you know.

42:58 The drugs are good.

42:59 Which we have now in Los Angeles.

43:01 You guys have any here?

43:02 I do.

43:03 Should we do some?

43:04 I have some.

43:05 Should [laughter] we do some?

43:05 I have some now.

43:06 Do you ever do that?

43:07 Do you ever microdose?

43:08 Do you ever do any of that?

43:09 No.

43:11 really.

43:10 For For like any moral reasons or you just like I'm at that point?

43:14 Well, it's not It was not No,

43:16 nothing I make I don't have any moral judgment about it at all.

43:21 I really don't.

43:22 I just um didn't ever feel like it was

43:26 my thing and mostly I've been spending a lifetime trying

43:30 to understand my mind so the idea of throwing some

43:34 cuckoo juice in there didn't appeal to me as much.

43:37 What if I told you that putting in a an accelerator [laughter] or anything weird

43:40 thing in there always felt to me like No,

43:42 no, no, I'm It's everything I can do to get this thing to settle down.

43:46 What if I told you by doing it it could help you understand your mind deeper?

43:52 What if I don't want to understand it?

43:55 [laughter]

43:54 What if I'm happy with this level of understanding?

43:57 I'm just trying to get to the grave.

44:00 [laughter]

44:03 I look at the grave the way other

44:05 people a tired person looks at a well-made bed.

44:10 [laughter]

44:09 I just want to pull up the soil around me and go nighty-night.

44:14 [laughter]

44:14 Soon, my love, soon.

44:16 Soon.

44:16 The grave beckons.

44:18 The grave.

44:19 Um [laughter]

44:21 What the

44:21 This is your fault.

44:23 You know what?

44:23 I blame Ike.

44:24 I really do.

44:25 I blame you because you're an accelerant for this kind of foolishness.

44:29 I am.

44:30 Um we could do this for thousands of hours, you and I,

44:34 which is the lovely part of having you here, but I want to

44:38 I should be your friend cuz I know who some

44:40 of your friends in real life and I'm better than them.

44:43 And guess what?

44:44 [laughter] I know who you're talking about.

44:46 I would rather swap out.

44:49 Right.

44:49 When I say his name on the count of three.

44:51 1 2 3 Paul Rudd.

44:54 [laughter]

44:55 Here's what I'm going to say about Paul Rudd.

44:56 He's richer, he's more famous, he's funnier, he's better looking.

44:59 I am younger and I am more loyal.

45:01 Yes.

45:01 Yes.

45:02 my friends.

45:02 Yes.

45:03 Also, I you know Paul Rudd,

45:05 and if you're listening, Paul, I'm speaking directly to you.

45:09 [laughter] He comes and goes with the tide.

45:10 When Paul's tide is up, you know what I mean?

45:13 I don't hear from him.

45:15 Yeah.

45:14 You know, but God forbid there's a setback or a movie that doesn't quite hit,

45:19 then he's comes running back.

45:20 He comes running back.

45:21 He's like, "Hey Conan, Conan, what are you doing?

45:23 What are you doing, Conan?

45:23 Wait.

45:23 Wait.

45:24 Conan, what are you doing, Conan?

45:25 What are you doing?" But then the second things start to hit again for Paul,

45:28 as they always do cuz he's just doesn't age and he's perpetually successful,

45:32 then he's gone again.

45:33 You won't have that problem with me.

45:34 Nothing hits.

45:36 Right.

45:35 I [laughter] will always be there.

45:37 I'm a loyal I'm a loyal friend.

45:39 You're You know what?

45:39 Your career is consistently ice cold.

45:42 It's just Yeah, it's just never interesting or good and that's why I'm

45:47 No.

45:47 No.

45:49 [laughter]

45:47 No.

45:47 No.

45:48 Ice cold.

45:49 Ice cold.

45:50 Frozen.

45:50 Frozen.

45:51 Just absolutely frozen.

45:53 [laughter]

45:54 Yeah.

45:54 YEAH.

45:54 YEAH.

45:55 OKAY.

45:55 OKAY.

45:56 OH, I GOT a Critic's Choice Award for my character in in studio.

46:00 I'll bet you did.

46:01 You can't He came in.

46:03 [laughter] Did you see what he was wearing when he came in?

46:05 He had his Critics' Choice award made into a necklace.

46:08 like, yeah.

46:09 And he had it and it was like

46:10 lb, by the way.

46:12 Yeah.

46:12 [laughter] Crank.

46:13 Yeah.

46:13 Nice fan.

46:14 Yeah.

46:14 Yeah.

46:15 Yeah.

46:15 I'm listening.

46:15 I'm just SAYING

46:16 FLAV'S CLOCK.

46:19 [laughter]

46:18 AND HE'S That's shows the kids I know what time it is.

46:22 You were just about to get the word out

46:24 on whatever project and you just [laughter] started on him.

46:26 Sorry.

46:27 I was about to I know I was about to do the professional part.

46:29 Um I I we have to just take a second

46:32 here and acknowledge you're hilarious as Sal Sapirstein in the studio.

46:36 You were so funny in that role.

46:38 It's funny because you had a very specific idea for who this guy is

46:42 and I know there are a bunch of execs Many execs come to you and say,

46:46 "Oh, that's based on me, isn't it?" Because yes, they're all so self-involved,

46:50 but they all see themselves in what you've created with Sal.

46:54 Which says a lot about them, by the way.

46:57 [laughter]

46:57 There is several times where there's guys and ladies

47:01 that I know who are studio execs who will say that.

47:03 Like, "Oh, you you stole that from me." I'm like,

47:05 "Yes." And then there's some that are like,

47:06 "I know you got that from me." And I'm like,

47:08 "I didn't." And I'm struggling to remember your name right now.

47:10 [laughter] But I I did not take that from you.

47:14 But I think people see what they want in the part.

47:17 And it's really based a lot off of my friend Eric Bauers,

47:20 who's an executive at Universal,

47:22 except for he doesn't do drugs and is very responsible.

47:27 Right.

47:25 But they love the Some of them love the work is in exciting,

47:30 making the movies exciting,

47:31 but they want to Where are we going to dinner afterwards?

47:34 And that's like my cornerstone of like, where are we going to go to dinner?

47:37 [laughter]

47:37 Where are we going to dinner tonight?

47:38 Yeah.

47:39 That's me, too.

47:40 Yeah.

47:40 Well, dinner isn't for I mean, it's not even noon yet.

47:44 [laughter] When we do this.

47:45 I'm hungry.

47:45 And I eat I'm I'm from Madrid, so I eat at 10:00 at night.

47:50 [laughter]

47:50 And I always I forgot that you were born and raised.

47:53 You immigrated here when you were 19.

47:54 I I face of Madrid

47:57 [laughter] on my Look at my face.

47:58 It's so Madrid.

47:59 You are real.

48:00 No, no, but it's always 10:00 at night.

48:02 It's always paella.

48:03 That's what Yeah.

48:04 [laughter] Um always 10:00, always paella.

48:09 I just got back from Italy, by the way.

48:10 We were shooting in the studio in Venice for 2 weeks.

48:13 How great is that?

48:15 It was amazing.

48:17 an experience you're having that makes me so jealous

48:19 that you'd be part of something where they say,

48:21 "Your job is to go live in Venice."

48:26 Yeah.

48:25 And yeah, you're working,

48:26 but then I'm sure there are times where you're not working and it's

48:29 time to go watch someone blow glass and drink really good wine.

48:32 want to say this is Venice Beach.

48:36 [laughter]

48:36 Yeah, they had me stand at a Motel 6 off Lincoln.

48:39 Also, you have a travel show.

48:42 Yeah.

48:41 I don't know what you're talking about.

48:43 You've been traveling all over the world.

48:45 WHO I AM.

48:48 [laughter]

48:47 I THOUGHT I WAS Gallagher 2, which is Gallagher's brother, who I think is dead.

48:53 One of them is not with us anymore.

48:56 neither one is with us now.

48:58 went.

48:57 I think Gallagher 2 went to mourn Gallagher and fell into the

49:01 [laughter] grave.

49:02 This just sets up Gallagher 3.

49:03 This is finally his time to shine.

49:05 Then Gallagher 3 was there and was like,

49:07 "I should probably pay MY RESPECTS." NO!

49:11 A WATERMELON EXPLODES OUT [laughter] OF THE GRAVE.

49:16 NO, what I'm saying is [laughter]

49:18 I guess what I'm thinking about is when I do these travel shows,

49:21 it's go, go, go all the time.

49:22 But if I was playing a part and they said,

49:25 "We don't need you for 6 hours," that would be very different.

49:30 There was a couple times that happened.

49:31 There was There was a couple times where I was not needed and I got to go

49:34 explore Venice and I saw them blowing the glass

49:37 and I went and drank a ton of spritzers.

49:39 I had dinner I had dinner with Michael Keaton.

49:42 Wow, [snorts] that's a big one.

49:44 What was he Was he there as part of the show?

49:46 sitting with his girlfriend at a different table and I

49:48 was sitting next to them and I kept saying, "Michael,

49:50 it's Ike from the studio." And he didn't he didn't acknowledge me at any point,

49:53 but we were in the same restaurant.

49:55 This is the same thing you did to me at the pizza restaurant.

49:58 Well, no, he no, you actively said,

50:00 "I want him gone." Michael completely ignored me the entire time.

50:04 Good.

50:04 Good.

50:04 Like I was and I was next to them.

50:07 what it's called in LA when someone's bothering you at a table?

50:09 The Baronhols.

50:12 [laughter]

50:12 No, the other day I was in an In-N-Out and I'm just

50:14 trying to enjoy my shake and this guy gave me the full Baronhols.

50:18 [laughter]

50:18 I didn't know who the he was.

50:19 It turns out it was Michael Keaton.

50:20 He coded coded.

50:21 Remember me?

50:21 I was in Batman.

50:22 And I was like, "Why do you give me the Baronhols for?

50:26 [laughter]

50:25 I'm trying to enjoy MY SHAKE.

50:27 I'M TRYING TO SIT AT A TABLE alone and enjoy

50:30 my shake at In-N-Out and you're giving me the full Baronhols.

50:36 [laughter] Do you remember I mean, this is who you are.

50:37 This is my namesake and I'm fine with that and it's something

50:40 that my daughters will have to kind of carry with them throughout their lives.

50:43 Wasn't even booked today and he comes

50:45 in and gives us [laughter] the full Baronhols.

50:46 I'm here.

50:47 I'm here.

50:48 Good luck getting rid of me now.

50:50 I'm part of the show now.

50:51 He lives here?

50:52 [laughter] Um Jesus.

50:56 Uh all right, so I want to talk about this new project.

50:59 Yes.

50:59 You love trivia.

51:01 You always loved trivia.

51:03 You're very good at trivia as you've proven uh

51:05 on these different shows where you are good at trivia.

51:07 I think I have [clears throat] a my brain

51:09 knows a lot of different strange things it shouldn't know,

51:11 but I don't have command of it.

51:13 Meaning I don't think I could just go bang bang bang.

51:17 Let's find out cuz I brought some Cuz I don't recall.

51:20 what I'll be like

51:20 That's not true.

51:21 You would be good at trivia.

51:23 go.

51:23 So this is just trivial pursuit.

51:25 I think this is like genius three.

51:28 So I'm just going to run through these.

51:29 What city's Lord& Taylor boasts the Wanamaker Grand,

51:33 the second largest pipe organ in the world?

51:37 [laughter] Yep.

51:38 I think I know this.

51:39 I don't know this at all.

51:40 Wait, what Say it again.

51:41 What's

51:42 What city's Lord& Taylor boasts the Wanamaker Grand,

51:46 the second largest pipe organ in the world?

51:50 I have no idea.

51:51 I'm almost sure it's Chicago cuz my aunt Libby used to work at Lord& Taylor.

51:54 Wow, well, okay, so the guy from Chicago picks the Chicago question.

51:58 it's Philadelphia.

51:59 Oh.

52:00 Okay.

51:59 Oh, I'm okay.

52:00 All right.

52:00 What hip-hop mogul mused,

52:02 "I feel safe and white because deep down inside I'm an angel"?

52:06 Okay, I'm going to go with Flavor Flav.

52:07 That is uh Just cuz he came up earlier.

52:10 up earlier?

52:10 No, the answer is a dear friend of mine, Sean Puffy Combs.

52:13 Oh, no.

52:15 Oh, NO.

52:15 YOU KNOW, YOU ARE IN A DOCUMENTARY.

52:19 [laughter] YEAH, YEAH, but just for a minute.

52:21 Yeah, giving him the advice, "Whatever you're doing, DO IT SOME MORE."

52:25 [laughter]

52:27 WHO BECAME THE FIRST

52:29 AT HIM MOVE ON.

52:29 [laughter] HEY, ANYWAY, next question.

52:31 We'll get out of We'll get out of that part.

52:33 Next question.

52:34 Uh

52:34 I don't know Lord& Taylor.

52:36 Who became Sean Puffy Combs

52:38 the first female British royal to walk instead of ride

52:41 in the family in a family funeral procession in 2002?

52:47 2002.

52:47 female royal.

52:49 Well, it's not Fergie, we know that.

52:51 It ain't Fergie.

52:52 Cuz she hates walking.

52:53 That's just a little fun fact I know about her.

52:55 No, she was on tour with the Black Eyed Peas, so it was It's not [laughter] her.

52:58 It's not It's definitely not her.

53:00 Yeah.

53:00 But she is a royal.

53:01 She's a royal.

53:02 There are many half of the people in the Black Eyed Peas.

53:04 know.

53:04 I don't know her at all.

53:05 A royal pain in the ass, if you know what I'm talking about.

53:07 Uh let's see, which royal is it?

53:11 Well, it wouldn't be Queen Elizabeth.

53:12 There's no way she's breaking tradition.

53:14 She's very traditional.

53:15 You think she's going to get on a horse?

53:17 Oh, no, she's walking instead of riding in the procession.

53:20 She ain't walking anyway.

53:21 ain't walking and and Anne isn't walking.

53:23 I think Anne's walking.

53:25 You think Anne's walking?

53:26 a walker.

53:26 The answer is PRINCESS ANNE.

53:29 YAY!

53:30 [cheering] INCREDIBLE.

53:32 YAY!

53:32 HOW MANY THESE ARE TERRIBLE QUESTIONS.

53:34 I know, these are [laughter] trivial pursuit questions.

53:36 How many of every six stutterers are male?

53:42 All.

53:41 Well, I'm going to go with uh five.

53:43 Five is the answer.

53:45 What do you know that?

53:46 What are you like a stuttering enthusiast?

53:49 Which [laughter] Grand Slam singles title had Monica

53:52 Seles failed to win during the 20th century?

53:57 Ooh.

53:56 Which one did she not win?

53:58 Well, you have first off to know all of them.

54:01 I'm just I'm just going to say Australian Open.

54:03 Australian Open.

54:04 I'm going to say US Open.

54:05 Wimbledon.

54:05 Last question.

54:07 What this is about a friend of yours.

54:08 What hugely successful video was Joe Francis inspired to make after

54:13 viewing a flasher tape sent in for his banned from television video.

54:18 This is your dear friend Joe Francis.

54:22 [laughter] We are not friends.

54:25 I

54:25 Former business partners.

54:27 Business partners.

54:27 Okay.

54:27 [laughter]

54:28 I saw what he was doing and I wanted in financially in a big way.

54:33 And then I did everything I could to provide moral support.

54:35 You made a lot of money.

54:36 we were better friends.

54:38 Yes.

54:37 What's it again?

54:38 What's the name of the show?

54:39 I believe it's Girls Gone Wild.

54:41 Yeah.

54:40 And it is Girls Gone Wild.

54:42 Yeah.

54:42 We have a clip.

54:43 Listen, I

54:44 [laughter]

54:45 Sorry.

54:45 I mean, if you had a Girls Gone Wild clip, I would be

54:49 I'm like [laughter] Paul Rudd, but instead of Mac and Me, IT'S GIRLS GONE WILD.

54:56 [laughter] ALL RIGHT, SO LET'S GET to your new project.

54:58 Here we go.

54:59 Funny You Ask, a weekly comedy trivia podcast.

55:04 What's And this sounds like a labor of love for you.

55:06 It is.

55:06 I I for years people were like, "You should do a podcast." And I was like,

55:10 "I don't think the medium is going to work."

55:12 And a couple weeks ago I was like, "The medium works."

55:15 Right.

55:15 So, let's get into this now.

55:16 We're not on the ground floor, but we're on like the 80th floor.

55:20 Uh no, I I wanted to figure out a fun podcast,

55:23 and I I just couldn't think of like a fun hook, and then I was like, "Oh my god,

55:26 what if I just wrote trivia questions for my friends?" You write the trivia?

55:29 Oh, I write the trivia.

55:31 Not cuz not for me.

55:32 I have a producer who writes the questions for me,

55:34 so I I see the questions honor system.

55:37 But for my guests, what I will do is I

55:39 will take three subjects you know a little bit about.

55:42 So, for you, what are some things that you wouldn't consider

55:45 yourself an expert on, but you know a little bit about?

55:48 lot about the Beatles.

55:49 I know a lot about probably American history,

55:53 19th, 20th century, that kind of stuff.

55:56 Sorry, sidetracked.

55:57 Do you remember the last time I was on your show was Beatles week

56:00 and Paul Simon sang Here Comes the Here Comes the Sun to me and you.

56:04 It was a deeply romantic moment.

56:07 What?

56:07 That was not my show.

56:08 That was

56:09 You're thinking

56:10 your show, my friend.

56:11 No.

56:11 You were here, I was here, Paul Simon was right here.

56:14 Actually, no, you were here, Paul Simon was here, I was right here.

56:16 I think Paul Simon was in my lap.

56:18 I remember that very [laughter] clearly.

56:20 He kept calling you Garfunkel?

56:21 He kept saying, "Are you Art?"

56:23 Yeah.

56:25 Um And you kept interjecting and he said,

56:26 "What's Give me the full Baronholt's here.

56:29 Remember that?" [laughter]

56:30 I was honored he knew my name.

56:32 That was cool.

56:33 know who you were, but he knew He didn't know you were Ike Barinholtz.

56:37 He said, "What's this guy giving me the Baronholt's for?

56:39 I'm trying to tell a story." [laughter]

56:42 So, you would come on, I would write questions about the Beatles,

56:45 American history, other things, and we would come on, have a fun conversation,

56:50 and I will sporadically ask you trivia questions,

56:52 and then you will ask me trivia questions, and then we do a big speed round.

56:55 So, the guest shows up with their own trivia questions?

56:57 No, my producer writes the questions for me, yeah.

57:00 This sounds really fun.

57:01 It's very, very fun.

57:02 The reason I'm here is to ask if you will do mine.

57:04 I do

57:05 I don't have time.

57:05 I don't have I don't have time.

57:08 Okay.

57:07 I Not just today, but I don't have any time.

57:10 I haven't been this busy since I was in Amsterdam.

57:13 That's when That's 27 years ago.

57:15 I feel like David has your time.

57:17 Yeah, it looks like it's Uh there's no time.

57:19 Okay, we'll figure it out.

57:20 Sounds like there's a little bit of a discrepancy

57:22 here between what you're saying and the truth.

57:25 I have that thing.

57:26 What is the thing, David?

57:29 [laughter]

57:29 What is the thing?

57:30 been more clear.

57:32 He's just swiping through not just MONTHS BUT YEARS.

57:37 [laughter]

57:37 HE'S JUST He has a whole year on one page and he's just swiping.

57:41 I see nothing.

57:42 I would be honored to do your show.

57:44 I would love to do it.

57:45 I so enjoy you.

57:47 You are so funny.

57:48 You're such a good fellow.

57:50 Um you are always hilarious on my show all the times you came on.

57:54 Uh so yes, the answer is yes yes a thousand times yes.

57:57 And I feel like we are making really good headway into that friendship arena.

58:01 This is the real reason I came here.

58:03 Be careful with this guy.

58:04 When I say this guy, I mean me.

58:08 Yeah.

58:07 Um I am a slippery eel.

58:09 You will probably never hear from me again.

58:11 I I'm when I'm here in the zone, I'm all heat and yes yes yes yes.

58:18 But then the minute you get out of here, I'm like,

58:20 "What's with that guy?" And then an hour later,

58:22 [laughter] who was even on today?

58:25 Right?

58:27 You completely disassociate.

58:28 [laughter] Within an hour of finishing the podcast.

58:32 I don't know who was on.

58:34 I admire your work.

58:35 job to bring me seven baked pheasants and I just eat them.

58:40 Ortolan.

58:40 Ortolan.

58:41 You put the napkin [laughter] over your head so that God doesn't see your shame.

58:46 Yeah, doesn't see my shame.

58:48 Um No, I would I would love to come on.

58:51 I would and I do think we should be pals.

58:53 Yeah.

58:53 Oh my god.

58:54 I wasn't expecting that.

58:56 [laughter]

58:57 Woo!

58:59 Now are you up in Santa Barbara for a lot?

59:00 We like to go there a couple times a year.

59:02 I mean I'm sure you have a house there.

59:03 We I have seven houses there.

59:06 That's

59:07 [laughter]

59:06 You're really building out your real bought Oprah's house and kicked her out.

59:11 Against her will.

59:13 I bought it out from under her and I said you've got an hour.

59:15 But she's squatting now.

59:17 She's actively squatting.

59:18 She's roaming around.

59:19 She's Yeah, she's hanging out in the garage.

59:21 She's [laughter] like roaming around.

59:25 Yeah.

59:25 She said I didn't know Oprah said this.

59:27 know legally someone could buy your house without you letting them buy it.

59:32 [laughter]

59:32 And but I you know what I did?

59:33 I have a lot of money from these charity GIGS I DID.

59:38 [laughter]

59:40 CLEAN UP.

59:41 AND THEN I JUST buy rich people's houses and tell them to leave.

59:46 [laughter]

59:46 So, you can stay in one of my 50 homes.

59:48 That we'll take you up on that.

59:49 That would save me some hotel cuz we love it up there.

59:51 We love that Santa Barbara.

59:52 What a beautiful beautiful Okay, let's not do that.

59:55 for Santa Barbara.

59:55 I'm just saying [laughter] it's it's it's

59:57 a it's about a 90-minute drive from LA.

1:00:00 You're there in no time.

1:00:01 There's a beautiful downtown.

1:00:03 Okay.

1:00:03 forget the cherry blossom festival.

1:00:04 Okay, let's move on.

1:00:07 [laughter]

1:00:06 I don't know how this guy from the tourism bureau got here.

1:00:11 But um

1:00:11 Just an enthusiast.

1:00:13 Yeah.

1:00:13 Uh sir, I wish you the best of luck with your new [laughter] podcast.

1:00:17 I will come on.

1:00:18 I will be happy to come on.

1:00:19 And [snorts] um just delighted to have you today.

1:00:22 This was

1:00:24 Yeah.

1:00:23 This is just not work.

1:00:25 I don't know what to call this, but it is not work.

1:00:27 It's just fun.

1:00:28 Monday.

1:00:28 Right?

1:00:29 Well, they don't say what day it is.

1:00:30 I like to create the illusion that it's

1:00:31 happening as [laughter] people are hearing it.

1:00:34 It's a good You know what?

1:00:35 Just having a fun Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday [laughter]

1:00:40 And 2026, 2027, 2028, 2029, 2030

1:00:44 [laughter] You know what I mean?

1:00:45 This was a real honor.

1:00:46 You are the funniest person of my generation.

1:00:52 Jesus.

1:00:51 Well, let's expand it a little.

1:00:54 [laughter]

1:00:55 Okay.

1:00:54 Why just your generation?

1:00:56 Okay.

1:00:56 Okay.

1:00:57 of these quote funny people from previous generations.

1:01:00 They're not so funny.

1:01:01 That's actually true.

1:01:04 Yeah.

1:01:03 Yeah.

1:01:03 I'm looking at them all.

1:01:05 Let's just click it to the a little bigger.

1:01:08 generations.

1:01:08 Thank you very much.

1:01:09 I got what I wanted.

1:01:10 Thanks, paranoid.

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1:02:12 When it comes to snacks, know what's a real crowd-pleaser?

1:02:15 Don't even try.

1:02:16 I'll tell you.

1:02:18 Yeah.

1:02:18 Nutri-Grain.

1:02:18 Oh, yeah.

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1:02:24 That's important.

1:02:26 Mhm.

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1:02:30 Plus, check out Nutri-Grain Crunchy.

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1:02:55 Sunny, you go.

1:02:55 I I go with the classic strawberry flavor.

1:02:57 I love it.

1:02:58 I could have a thousand of them.

1:02:59 And David?

1:03:00 I recently tried the crunchy one.

1:03:01 I had the honey oat flax one, and it was incredible.

1:03:04 It's so funny.

1:03:04 I heard a crunch, and then I heard you just moaning with pleasure.

1:03:09 And I ran in, and you were devouring a Crunchy,

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1:03:24 Okay, this is part three of Blaygate.

1:03:28 Blaygate?

1:03:28 [laughter] Aaron Blair's attempt, and this is to fraudulently use

1:03:35 IRS loopholes to bankroll his childish fantasies.

1:03:41 And we have Mr.

1:03:43 David Melmed here with us, and you are I Are you a lawyer?

1:03:47 I am, yes.

1:03:49 Okay, [laughter] cuz that's what we hired you to do.

1:03:51 Yes.

1:03:51 But maybe you might have been here to fix the AC and we just hired you.

1:03:55 That's Yes.

1:03:56 Okay, well, anyway, let's get back into this what

1:04:00 I think is a major scandal roiling our podcast.

1:04:04 Okay, so what are we talking about?

1:04:05 Animals?

1:04:06 Yeah, I would like to do animals one more time.

1:04:08 and can I write all that off?

1:04:09 Say that Sorry.

1:04:10 Say that again.

1:04:11 Anything I mention on this podcast, can I write it off based on Blay's logic?

1:04:16 Maybe.

1:04:17 Based on Blay's logic?

1:04:19 Yeah.

1:04:20 Maybe.

1:04:20 Based on the law?

1:04:21 And again, I'm not a Let me just I'm not

1:04:23 a a tax expert or an accountant, so this is just Wait a [laughter] minute.

1:04:28 Wait a minute.

1:04:29 But why did I bring you in?

1:04:31 I I actually No, no.

1:04:32 I [laughter] I have a cursory sort of understanding of what we're

1:04:37 doing here because I also am familiar with the tax This is ridiculous.

1:04:42 He's going to say the same thing to our audience.

1:04:45 [laughter] I don't understand exactly how fission works.

1:04:47 I got a squirrel here.

1:04:48 Can you help me out?

1:04:49 [laughter] This is This is for the listener.

1:04:50 Oh, wow, a squirrel.

1:04:52 I know about nuts and hiding them for the winter.

1:04:54 I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT FISSION, but here it goes.

1:04:59 [laughter] This is This is my protecting the myself and the show.

1:05:02 So, if someone hears this and said, "Oh,

1:05:04 I'm going to start writing off X, Y, and Z." Right.

1:05:07 I'm just saying, I maybe kids, don't do this at home kind of thing.

1:05:10 Do not do it.

1:05:11 Yes, so personal expenses that are not related to the podcast,

1:05:17 you cannot write off.

1:05:18 So, if you're bringing edibles,

1:05:20 I think I heard that segment for for Conan, right?

1:05:23 That would probably work more into production than on air, right?

1:05:27 So, and where production costs can affect Conan,

1:05:31 and I am the uh opinion that we are here to manage Conan, right?

1:05:37 Yeah.

1:05:36 It could eat into Yeah.

1:05:38 I You know, if it weren't for you and for Blay,

1:05:41 I don't think I'd make it in this business.

1:05:44 [laughter] It's But through your wise counsel,

1:05:45 though you're clearly not an an expert in anything.

1:05:48 No, I I think it's fine.

1:05:50 Blay's incredible work of buying these doohickeys Yes.

1:05:55 and shoving them into the conversation Right.

1:05:57 um like with a crowbar Yes.

1:05:59 I don't know that I would have a career at all.

1:06:01 I I I think that's why we're that's why we're here.

1:06:04 Um, no.

1:06:05 So, I'm saying Blay, maybe I think you have to separate yourself

1:06:08 into when you are bringing something on the show,

1:06:12 are you in your role as a producer or as an on-air personality?

1:06:18 Can I ask you a specific question?

1:06:19 You can.

1:06:20 Okay.

1:06:20 And are you a producer?

1:06:22 I call myself a producer.

1:06:24 What is your title?

1:06:24 I don't know.

1:06:25 What do you mean you don't know your your title?

1:06:28 Yeah, I swear to god I thought you were here to get lunch.

1:06:30 Oh my god.

1:06:31 I did.

1:06:31 I kept wondering, where's the lunch?

1:06:33 Wait, I just want to I thought this kid was getting us food.

1:06:35 Can I ask Melman a specific question?

1:06:37 Okay.

1:06:37 So, like for instance, we talked about high watch Bane clips on a plane.

1:06:42 Great.

1:06:42 Okay?

1:06:42 Which I love Banes.

1:06:43 I watch a lot of Bane clips, big fan of Bane.

1:06:45 Now, that's been established on the podcast as a bit, okay?

1:06:49 Now, can I buy a This is a real question.

1:06:51 Can I buy a Bane mask as a follow-up and write that off?

1:06:56 Cuz we It's been established on the podcast.

1:06:58 Can I buy a Bane mask and write it I I would say maybe.

1:07:01 I think it should all be submitted ahead of time.

1:07:03 I think what might be a problem here, Blay, and I say this with all respect,

1:07:08 is that you are this um uh untethered child

1:07:12 running around having these ideas and swiping a credit card,

1:07:17 and uh I think that's potentially problematic.

1:07:20 Could be.

1:07:21 What I think you should do is um you should go to Adam, I'm invoking you,

1:07:27 and you should say uh here's my idea,

1:07:30 I want to buy a Bane mask, they're $9.99 uh $99.

1:07:35 Um [laughter]

1:07:37 and uh I think it'll be a good segment, and then you can think about it,

1:07:40 maybe you can approach me, and we can have a discussion.

1:07:42 I totally agree.

1:07:43 The whole thing, I mean, I think you know, we have established,

1:07:45 I think, that Blay is committing fraud, but the the one the [laughter]

1:07:48 the what I'm hearing though from David, and David, tell me if I'm wrong,

1:07:52 is this it's very like tail wagging the dog, right?

1:07:54 Like, it should start as the show wants to do X, Y, and Z.

1:07:58 So, let's go out and buy the necessary supplies, curiosities, whatever it is,

1:08:05 so that we can make that happen, so we can execute on that.

1:08:09 But, to do it the other way around,

1:08:11 which is we're buying a bunch of random curiosities,

1:08:14 and let's see if the show can do that, feels like it's in violation of whatever

1:08:20 Yes, I think that is exactly I think that's a very good way to articulate.

1:08:24 Not to say that what you're doing hurts the show,

1:08:28 I'm just saying if you're looking to write off certain items,

1:08:32 probably go about it the way that Adam described it.

1:08:35 So, I guess my my next question is, can I have a company card to do that?

1:08:39 I was going to ask if you had a corp card.

1:08:41 I don't, but I would really it would help, I think, with this situation.

1:08:44 Don't you guys think?

1:08:44 I think I think put that sword on a company card.

1:08:47 I I think you need a real accountant.

1:08:49 Company card, flat no.

1:08:51 No, wait a sec.

1:08:51 There's no way you're getting a company card.

1:08:52 a sec.

1:08:52 Wait a sec.

1:08:53 Sona had a company card and put a bunch of lunches on it.

1:08:56 HAS.

1:08:56 HAS.

1:08:56 AND PUTS lunches on it.

1:08:58 Has.

1:08:58 She has one to this day.

1:08:59 And has lunches on it.

1:09:00 I sure do.

1:09:01 So, first of all, I knew that was the deal when I hired Sona.

1:09:04 That's [laughter] what comes with Sona.

1:09:05 In her contract?

1:09:06 No, I mean she's like Zorba the Greek.

1:09:08 You don't You know, she needs to have

1:09:10 access to all the things that make her Sona.

1:09:13 Um I I think it's a little presumptuous to think

1:09:16 that you should be entitled to those same things.

1:09:18 I just do.

1:09:19 I'm just saying.

1:09:20 It like Okay, I bought a a big Medusa skull, okay?

1:09:25 [laughter] You're not helping yourself.

1:09:26 Better and better.

1:09:27 But you have to write to write them off.

1:09:29 But but but but but a a a Medusa skull you have forever.

1:09:32 Sona just has a lunch.

1:09:33 What do you mean a Medusa skull you have forever?

1:09:36 No, you don't.

1:09:37 Yes, I do.

1:09:37 You have it until you get married and she throws that out.

1:09:41 But a lunch you just eat once and you're done.

1:09:43 A Medusa skull you have forever.

1:09:44 business lunches.

1:09:45 They are We talk business.

1:09:47 Can I ask a question?

1:09:48 So, we have David here.

1:09:49 We should take advantage of it.

1:09:50 What are Are Are there things that we should

1:09:52 be writing off that we're all that we're not?

1:09:54 Well, let me Okay, so Lunches.

1:09:57 This is good.

1:09:57 Lunches.

1:09:58 Lunches, yes.

1:10:00 I do you guys a favor.

1:10:01 Anything I would say anything to manage Conan can be written off.

1:10:08 I'm sorry, when did I become Hepatitis B?

1:10:11 No, no, no, no, no, [laughter] no.

1:10:12 You're on it.

1:10:13 I become this virulent strain that must be contained?

1:10:18 Oh, no, a Conan got loose [laughter] from the lab.

1:10:21 That's the way the IRS sees you are on air talent and we are here to manage you.

1:10:26 So, anything we do to manage you knows that I'm [laughter] a toxin.

1:10:31 I love it.

1:10:32 Okay, so to answer your question, Adam, anything that sort of costs to create,

1:10:38 produce, protect the show is deductible, right?

1:10:43 Anything sort of personal, performance,

1:10:46 uh the consequences of wrongdoing uh we cannot.

1:10:51 Consequences of wrongdoing?

1:10:54 Well, meaning you're bringing a mask on the show for We have to say

1:10:57 what what's the intent what's the if you're bringing it on to have a potential

1:11:01 write-off I would say if you're if

1:11:03 we've discussed the segment right first and then

1:11:06 you bring it on to sort of you then I'm going to say maybe.

1:11:11 So maybe a Bane mask So Bane mask might be something I could do.

1:11:14 It might but I would probably bring that up first

1:11:17 than just bring it on and start talking about it.

1:11:19 you want it can I just ask why not just pay

1:11:22 for the Bane mask it's why do you need Uncle Sam's help?

1:11:27 You're well compensated and you should take pride in spending

1:11:33 your own money on something as precious as a Bane mask.

1:11:36 You shouldn't need to invoke some weird codicil Yeah.

1:11:41 that you think you found in the IRS code to do it.

1:11:44 Why not just be a real man and when you buy a Bane mask [laughter] own it.

1:11:50 You know in the true tradition of being a a man

1:11:54 like a real man when you go to buy

1:11:57 you know your whatever it's a Bumblebee head or when

1:12:01 you when you go to buy you know oh

1:12:04 it's it's you know the Vision from Marvel Comics

1:12:07 I want to buy his panties why why can't you

1:12:11 just be a real man and say this is what

1:12:13 I want to feel good about me and buy yourself.

1:12:17 He's an Android he doesn't wear panties.

1:12:18 I think so Androids wear panties.

1:12:21 In terms of what the So these are

1:12:23 sort of personal lifestyle expenses which are not deductible.

1:12:28 Oh yeah.

1:12:28 And so that's Okay.

1:12:29 I'm putting it into a different bucket unless we

1:12:34 Unless unless and this is Blake you'd have to accept this.

1:12:38 Okay.

1:12:37 But if you could prove that this was

1:12:40 an illness of his a deficiency if you could prove

1:12:43 that this was some kind of a handicap sure something

1:12:46 he can't help because something stunted something never developed that should

1:12:51 Like a medical like a medical expense kind of thing.

1:12:56 I But he never grew into a real a real adult,

1:12:58 and he's trapped in this cycle of just more

1:13:01 toys and more ephemera and more and he just won't

1:13:06 break free of that and won't go out

1:13:08 into the world and and really realize himself as an adult.

1:13:12 He can't, then this could be a possibly his version of a wheelchair or crutches

1:13:19 [laughter] or a special seat that helps him sit

1:13:21 on the toilet because he can't make a poopy without it.

1:13:23 Does Tony get a tax credit for employing?

1:13:27 Yes.

1:13:29 Okay, I think we cracked it here,

1:13:30 and I think we've been in the red for a while now,

1:13:31 which means we've gone way too long.

1:13:33 Um we'll probably have to lose some of your talking,

1:13:35 Blay, while you defend yourself.

1:13:37 I do think the real criminal here is Blay's mom.

1:13:40 I think that she's I think that she's I think Mary Blair needs to go to prison.

1:13:46 I think she is an absolute criminal.

1:13:49 But I But And look, we wonder why he's infantilized,

1:13:53 and she's sending his taxes [laughter] to TurboTax.

1:13:56 You want When's she going to diaper you next, you know?

1:13:58 As she insists on doing it.

1:14:00 [laughter] She wants to make sure that my bottom is talcumed properly.

1:14:04 So, yeah, If I could write a investigation investigation into into Mary Blair.

1:14:11 Well, I'm going to end this right now, Blay.

1:14:13 I find you guilty and no corporate card.

1:14:17 [laughter] Agree with that.

1:14:16 Thank you.