Trump Asks for Psychedelic Drugs, Patel Files $250M Defamation Suit: Late Night News of the Week

0:01 -And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.

0:03 President Trump announced in a post yesterday on Truth Social

0:06 that the US military launched strikes

0:08 on an Iranian cargo ship

0:10 that attempted to breach its naval blockade

0:12 and added, "We have full custody of the ship

0:15 and are seeing what's on board."

0:17 And it's the first time he's ever been excited

0:20 about having full custody.

0:23 Laughter] President Trump signed an executive order over the weekend

0:28 to expedite medical research into psychedelic drugs

0:31 that could be used to treat depression.

0:33 "When?!" yelled Mets fans.

0:36 Laughter] During the signing ceremony over the weekend

0:39 for an executive order

0:41 that will loosen restrictions on psychedelic drugs,

0:43 President Trump said, "Can I have some, please?"

0:45 Man, can you imagine Trump on an ayahuasca retreat?

0:50 As Trump] "You know, they're saying

0:51 I'm the most silent person

0:54 of anyone on this silent retreat.

0:58 Nobody is greater at being alone with their thoughts...

1:02 than Donald Trump."[ Normal voice] While speaking at a Turning Point USA rally

1:07 on Friday, President Trump said that he has

1:09 "never seen so many young people in my life."

1:12 Oh, sure.

1:13 But will he say the same thing under oath?

1:17 Laughter,

1:18 groaning] President Trump threatened in a post yesterday on Truth Social

1:23 to strike bridges and power plants in Iran

1:25 if the country's leaders do not sign a deal and added,

1:29 "No more Mr.

1:30 Nice Guy." What?

1:31 When were you Mr.

1:33 Nice Guy?

1:34 I think I've only ever seen you be nice to one person.

1:38 Light laughter, groaning] During an executive order signing ceremony

1:41 over the weekend, President Trump called Health and Human Services

1:45 Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr.

1:47 "somewhat outside the box."

1:48 No, dude, your aunt in Portland is somewhat outside the box.

1:53 RFK Jr.

1:54 is like if Willy Wonka found Reddit.

1:58 Laughter] During a rally on Friday in Phoenix,

2:02 President Trump said that he recently directed

2:04 Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth

2:05 to release government files on UFOs

2:08 and added, "The first releases will begin very soon."

2:11 Wait, they haven't been already?

2:13 You're telling me this is just a guy?

2:16 Laughter] The Justice Department last week charged the organizer

2:21 of the bar crawl, SantaCon,

2:23 for allegedly stealing nearly $3 million

2:26 that was collected for charity.

2:28 Even worse, he organized SantaCon.

2:31 Laughter] A humanoid robot won a half marathon yesterday in Beijing

2:36 with a time nearly seven minutes faster

2:38 than the human world record.

2:39 Best of all, it didn't have to catch its breath

2:42 before it could start telling people it ran a marathon.

2:45 Laughter][ Robot voice] "Wanna hear something cool?

2:49 Laughter] I hate to brag, but do you want to hear something cool I did?

2:56 Are you wondering why I'm wearing a tinfoil cape?"[

3:00 Laughter][ Normal voice] A new Grateful Dead app

3:05 launched last week called Play Dead.

3:08 It's the first-ever app that can be installed on a landline.

3:12 Laughter] And, finally, NPR announced last week

3:17 it has received the largest donation

3:19 from a living donor in the network's history,

3:22 totaling $80 million.

3:23 And you would not believe the tote bag she got.

3:27 Laughter] FBI Director Kash Patel

3:30 filed a $250 million defamation lawsuit yesterday

3:35 against "The Atlantic" magazine

3:36 over an article alleging that Patel has abused alcohol.

3:40 Said Patel this morning,

3:42 "Oh, man, I did?"[ Laughter]

3:46 That's right, Kash Patel filed a $250 million lawsuit

3:49 against "The Atlantic" magazine over an article alleging

3:51 that Patel has abused alcohol,

3:53 though you'd have to be pretty drunk

3:55 to think a print magazine

3:56 can afford $250 million.

4:00 Laughter] The U.S.

4:01 and Iran are reportedly negotiating

4:03 over a three-page plan to end the war.

4:06 Specifically, Trump's trying to negotiate them down

4:08 to one page.

4:10 Laughter][ As Trump] No way I'm reading three pages.

4:14 Normal voice] In a new interview, President Trump said

4:16 that he will reach a peace deal with Iran

4:18 and added, "It will happen one way or another,

4:21 the nice way or the hard way."

4:23 The nice way or the hard way?

4:24 That's not how you reach a peace deal.

4:26 That's something you yell

4:27 during a bank robbery.

4:30 Laughter] President Trump criticized Spain's economy

4:33 in a post over the weekend on Truth Social

4:36 and said that the country is "sad to watch,"

4:38 adding, "They can't even afford full-sized entrees."[ Laughter]

4:47 A new Grateful Dead app launched last week,

4:49 which features high-quality recordings of more than 400

4:52 full live shows in better than CD quality.

4:55 Said Dead fans, "Wow, it sounds even better

4:57 than I don't remember."[ Laughter]

5:01 In honor of Star Wars Day,

5:03 the dairy brand TruMoo

5:04 is offering a vanilla-flavored blue milk

5:07 that has eight grams of protein per serving.

5:10 Because if someone hands you a glass of blue milk,

5:12 the first question you'll have is,

5:14 "How much protein is in it?"[ Laughter]

5:19 A humanoid robot won a half marathon

5:21 on Sunday in Beijing,

5:22 with a time nearly seven minutes faster

5:24 than the human world record.

5:26 And if you think that's impressive,

5:27 some other dude smoked them all by 45 minutes

5:31 with a machine he calls

5:32 a Nissan Altima.

5:34 Laughter] The food company Perdue Farms announced last week

5:38 it will offer so-called 6-7 chicken nuggets,

5:41 even though everybody who thought 6-7 was funny

5:44 is now too old for chicken nuggets.

5:47 Laughter] A 101-year-old New Zealand man was recently named

5:51 the world's oldest croquet player.

5:53 Here he is pictured next to the world's youngest croquet player.

5:57 Laughter] That's right, a 101-year-old man in New Zealand

6:03 has been named the world's oldest croquet player.

6:05 Well, just be careful

6:07 which balls you're hitting.

6:09 Laughter and groans][ Laughter]

6:17 I'm a little worried about what's coming next.

6:20 When asked today by the New York Post whether the U.S.

6:23 and Iran could hold a second round of peace talks

6:26 as soon as Friday, President Trump said

6:28 in a text message, "It's possible, President DJT."

6:33 And it is very funny to give the most noncommittal answer

6:37 and also sign it "President DJT."

6:39 He might as well have said,

6:41 "I'm the leader of the free world and I have no idea."

6:45 How crazy is that?

6:48 Hours after he said the U.S.

6:50 military was raring to resume its bombing campaign,

6:52 President Trump announced yesterday

6:54 that he would extend the cease-fire with Iran.

6:57 This guy gives out more mixed messages

6:59 than a Los Angeles parking sign.

7:03 President Trump said in a post yesterday on Truth Social

7:06 that Iran is "Collapsing financially."

7:08 Oh, they are?

7:11 I had to split an Uber to work today

7:13 with Fallon and Kelly Clarkson.

7:16 Laughter and applause] And I'm the only one they won't let sing in the car.

7:24 During an interview yesterday with CNBC,

7:26 President Trump said that he is very careful walking up

7:28 and down stairs because he knows that if he falls,

7:31 it will be the biggest news story.

7:33 Maybe, maybe not.

7:34 Really depends on which stair.

7:40 Donald Trump Jr.'s fiancée, Bettina Anderson,

7:43 held a bridal shower last weekend at Mar-a-Lago,

7:45 and the theme was "Enchanted Garden,"

7:47 while the theme of Don Jr.'s bachelor party was

7:50 "Gettin' Our Stories Straight."[ Laughter]

7:57 In a new interview, former RNC co-chair Lara Trump

7:59 said that the last text message

8:01 she received from President Trump

8:02 was a video of a bombing that the White House put out.

8:05 While the last text message Tiffany received was

8:08 "Enjoy kindergarten."[ Audience "ohhs"][ Laughter]

8:17 "The New York Times" has published a theory

8:18 that the New York Mets are

8:20 on a losing streak following a photo-op

8:22 between the team's mascots and Mayor Zohran Mamdani.

8:25 Well, it wouldn't be the first time

8:27 a photo with Mamdani has set off a losing streak.

8:30 Laughter] The Athletic recently published a list of the best things

8:34 to eat this season at MLB stadiums,

8:36 which include a chow mein burrito at Dodger Stadium,

8:39 chicken and churros at Wrigley,

8:41 and at Citi Field, a gun.

8:45 Audience groans] That was 100% the accurate reaction to that joke.

8:53 Ukrainian officials are reportedly considering renaming

8:55 the contested Donbas region

8:57 that Russia is fighting for Donny Land

9:00 after President Trump in order to get his attention.

9:03 And for similar reasons,

9:05 I'm thinking of changing the name of our show

9:06 to "Lorne Night with Seth Meyers."[ Laughter]

9:12 M-Maybe he'll watch that.

9:15 Laughter] The restaurant chain Red Lobster announced this week

9:19 that it will offer its endless-shrimp promotion,

9:21 even though endless shrimp sounds less like a promotion

9:24 and more like a curse by a witch.

9:28 Laughter] And, finally, a Chinese car company

9:31 recently filed a patent for an in-vehicle toilet.

9:34 So what?

9:36 In America, we have ones where the whole thing is a toilet.

9:39 Laughter] President Trump reposted a 2004 "New York Times" article

9:44 yesterday on Truth Social about the high ratings

9:47 for "The Apprentice" season one finale.

9:50 Okay, I get that he's a very old man,

9:53 but why is his life flashing before my eyes?

9:57 Laughter] That's right, President Trump reposted

10:01 a 2004 "New York Times" article

10:03 on Truth Social about high ratings

10:05 for his reality TV series "The Apprentice."

10:07 Well, yeah, it was 2004.

10:08 Back then, even this got a second season.

10:12 Laughter] President Trump was set to attend a private dinner

10:15 today at the U.S.

10:16 Institute of Peace, which he recently renamed after himself.

10:19 That's right, he renamed dinner after himself.

10:23 As Trump] Please join me tonight for a very special

10:25 Trump meal.

10:28 Normal voice] President Trump was set to attend

10:29 a private dinner at the U.S.

10:31 Institute of Peace, which he recently renamed the Donald J.

10:33 Trump United States Institute of Peace.

10:35 Alright, when is he going to stop naming stuff after himself?

10:39 It never works out.

10:42 Laughter] Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche signed

10:47 an order today to reclassify marijuana

10:50 and said the Justice Department is,

10:51 "Delivering on President Trump's promise

10:53 to improve American health care."

10:55 Yes, it's great news if your doctor is concerned

10:58 that you're not getting enough cheese dust.

11:01 Laughter] Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F.

11:04 Kennedy Jr.

11:05 pushed back this week against claims

11:06 that President Trump has sidelined him

11:08 because he thinks Kennedy is making him look bad.

11:11 Yeah, if anything, he makes Trump look good.

11:15 Laughter] He looks like a catcher's mitt wished to be a real boy.

11:21 Laughter] According to a new study, salmon exposed to cocaine

11:26 in the water can swim longer distances.

11:29 In fact, they'll just keep going until they find an ATM.

11:34 "Oh, okay.

11:35 Well, call the guy back."[ Laughter]

11:38 The Trump administration is reportedly in advanced talks

11:40 to provide a rescue package for Spirit Airlines

11:43 to help the carrier avoid liquidation.

11:45 Because if Spirit Airlines goes out of business,

11:48 I lose, like, half my monologue.

11:51 Laughter] A toad rescue group in England has reported

11:56 that this was the best year for mating toads since 2012.

12:00 But, uh, don't tell that to Arnold.

12:03 Audience groans][ Laughter] I don't know how I

12:17 thought our toad [bleep] joke would go.

12:19 Laughter] Looking at it now, I realize there was

12:23 a pretty low ceiling on it.

12:25 Laughter] I didn't— You know what I will say?

12:27 I didn't expect you guys to have sympathy for Arnold.

12:30 Laughter] That's really— that was the one reaction I wasn't ready for.

12:36 I thought you might like the joke,

12:37 you might not like the joke.

12:38 I didn't think all of you,

12:39 all of you collectively,

12:40 you'd be like, "Aw, Arnold.

12:43 Laughter] You'll meet someone one day, Arnold."[ Laughter]

12:49 And finally an upstate New York bakery

12:51 has gained attention online

12:53 after making a sword-shaped loaf of bread

12:55 to celebrate the Buffalo Sabres hockey team.

12:58 Oh, that's what that is?

13:01 Laughter] Thank God.

13:05 I thought we were going to have

13:06 to blur that for broadcast.

13:09 Laughter] Oh, and that makes it look even worse.

13:12 Unblur it.

13:13 Now it really looks—

13:14 Alright, never mind.

13:14 That was a monologue, everybody.