Why your family rituals matter | Nikita Kanani & Naia Kanani-Ferdinand | TEDxAlleyns School Youth

0:00 [applause]

0:06 What do you think of when I say food?

0:10 The smell of garlic frying,

0:12 melted cheese stretching, the sizzling of mustard seeds.

0:16 Okay, give me a thumbs up if you thought of a favorite dish,

0:20 favorite cuisine, or the interval snack.

0:24 Okay, now thumbs up if you thought

0:26 of the person who would make that dish for you.

0:30 Oh, a few.

0:32 Okay, thumbs down.

0:33 Not thumbs down.

0:35 You see, for us, in our family, food is not just food.

0:40 Um, unless it's a potato, then it's purely a potato.

0:44 Okay, that's fair.

0:45 Um, for us, in our family, food is a way of connecting.

0:50 It is a series of small, everyday rituals that are passed down,

0:56 sometimes clumsily, sometimes beautifully, often completely unnoticed.

1:02 You see, these everyday rituals are not written down anywhere.

1:06 They are passed down in hands that are mixing and pouring and stirring,

1:12 and in sights and in smells that linger

1:15 in a house long after all the food has been devoured.

1:19 In our family, there are four generations of women who create rituals.

1:24 My great grandma, who is 91, my grandma, who's nearly 70,

1:30 my mom and my aunt, who are in their 40s, and me.

1:33 I'm 13.

1:35 But, it doesn't stop there.

1:36 On my dad's side, my grandma is in her 70s,

1:39 creating her own rituals and stories.

1:41 And around each of these women, Well, around each and every one of us,

1:45 are circles of friends, aunties and cousins, each adding something of their own.

1:51 The thing is, our story goes even further.

1:55 We come from Gujarat in India, from Nairobi in Kenya, and here, South London.

2:02 We have married into Uganda, Sri Lanka,

2:06 to the north and to the south of England.

2:09 And the thing is, when people move continents or countries,

2:14 even actually when they're displaced across continents and countries,

2:18 or when people move cultures, we risk losing things.

2:23 Languages, places, identities, and in some cases even names.

2:29 So, what survives?

2:31 The rituals.

2:33 Some rituals are creative.

2:36 We start today in white,

2:38 by the end we'll be covered in color, because that's what rituals do.

2:44 They change the everyday into something unforgettable.

2:50 Like our Indian festival, Holi, when throwing paint isn't about making a mess,

2:55 it's about saying, "We belong together,

2:59 and we'll remember this." Or rangoli patterns during Diwali.

3:04 Colorful chaos no matter how hard we try to make it neat.

3:08 And then, some rituals are about learning together.

3:12 How best to cut one of the beautiful mangoes my grandma has sourced,

3:16 only to be eaten when in season.

3:19 Or huddling around my dad's mom as she make as she make Sri Lankan pancakes,

3:23 hoppers, for breakfast.

3:25 She'll stir and pour, and turn and transfer.

3:28 Do you want sugar, eggs, coconut, or curry?

3:31 Eggs, or maybe potatoes.

3:36 [laughter] For me, it's quite different.

3:37 I grew up every week to having hair oil put into my hair.

3:43 It was sticky and smelly and painful.

3:47 It was a painful ritual to be endured.

3:50 And now I yearn for that ritual because it just doesn't happen often enough.

3:56 If it does happen, it ends in laughter,

3:59 and pretty shiny hair, and a bit of a headache, sure.

4:04 Um Oh, and chai.

4:07 Every day growing up in my childhood home,

4:10 my sister and I would wake up to the clink of a particular pan on the stove.

4:16 Water, milk, sugar, tea leaves, more sugar, spices expertly ground by my mom.

4:27 Oh, and the bedtime routine she used to create around my sister and I.

4:31 Perfectly cut fruit also dusted in sugar, water by the bed,

4:36 blankets tucked in, radio on, shadow games playing, and a whispered blessing.

4:43 Jai Shri Krishna.

4:44 A little bit like that line in that popular Sunday TV show, The Waltons.

4:49 Goodnight, John-Boy.

4:51 Now, my husband and I create rituals for Naya and her brother, Ashton.

4:56 Every Sunday, the pan goes on and we start making chai.

5:00 Although, I've got to be honest,

5:01 it's Ashton that's making the chai for the rest of us.

5:04 We'll get out a board game and have a bit of a friendly challenge.

5:09 And every night, we'll wait up until everyone's home, much to the kids' chagrin.

5:14 Everyone's home, tucked in, and safe.

5:18 Because it's the same rituals just passed down.

5:22 And the thing is, rituals aren't the big, shiny headlines of your life.

5:27 Rituals are the sure and steady heartbeat.

5:31 And it's not just Indian rituals.

5:35 Cheese on toast.

5:36 Well, with chili.

5:38 Yes, with chili.

5:39 Eaten together while watching TV.

5:42 And the mega strange sandwiches we've created as a family.

5:47 If you know me, you'll know I sometimes make some odd combinations,

5:50 and this is where they come from.

5:52 Crisps and pickles and potato salad or mango

5:56 and chutney and cheese and Bombay mix.

5:59 Add some crackers, why not?

6:02 What began as fusion experiments in the kitchen

6:05 have become rituals of their own,

6:07 and now I make them myself without even thinking.

6:11 And even our cats have rituals.

6:14 Goose, the younger, cheekier one, knows when we're in the kitchen.

6:19 He'll weave between our legs demanding attention,

6:22 reminding us that connection isn't just human.

6:26 It's the rhythm of a household.

6:28 And Shuri, our little girl,

6:29 will sleep in the same mango box every night night after night,

6:33 even when her little brother Goose is trying

6:35 to push her out or share the box with her.

6:38 Because even animals know that the routine of a ritual matters,

6:43 that the care and the attention matter.

6:46 Ba, my grandba, and I make ghee together.

6:50 We melt some butter waiting for that perfect

6:52 moment when the kitchen smells nutty and sweet.

6:57 It takes patience.

6:59 It teaches patience.

7:01 And sometimes we sneak a little taste before putting it away.

7:04 Oh, and then there's bakri, chapatis that my brother and I would roll,

7:08 warm and delicious even when they come out

7:10 looking more like Kenya than the classic circle.

7:12 [laughter] Oh, and then trying to buttercream cakes

7:16 beautifully like my Amma, my dad's mom does.

7:19 The careful pattern she taught us, making amazing designs with just a fork.

7:24 You see, even if these handed down rituals aren't handed down perfectly,

7:29 imperfect circles or slightly burnt buttercream or even um fully eaten ghee,

7:37 it doesn't really matter because the details

7:40 stay with you forever because they're done together.

7:46 [laughter] And not all rituals are inherited.

7:48 Some we invent ourselves, like how my cousin Elara and I,

7:51 we've created a handshake that takes about 40 steps

7:55 and we'll add to it every time we see each other.

7:58 And in our family, car karaoke or car-eoke, is compulsory.

8:03 Very bad and very loud singing on the motorway to see my aunt.

8:08 Then there was Friday night treat night with friends,

8:10 chickpea face masks and henna designs.

8:12 Giggling into the floor is a mess.

8:15 We've created some pretty fabulous routines, finding all our funniest photos,

8:21 putting them together into a annual photo calendar and then

8:25 sending it around the globe to friends and family.

8:28 We've changed rituals as well.

8:30 We've got some quite traditional ones that we've done a little bit differently.

8:34 So, Raksha Bandhan is when you take a protective string and tie

8:38 it around the wrist of your brother to keep them safe.

8:41 Well, now we'll take the string or actually maybe

8:43 just a proper bracelet and tie it around the brothers,

8:47 the sisters, the cousins, the friends.

8:50 We've taken pride in slowly creating rituals together.

8:55 You might have two best friends bobbing off to Balham

8:58 for a cheeky martini in the middle of the week

9:01 or three girlfriends hiding at the back of hot

9:03 yoga trying to keep talking all the way through shavasana.

9:09 Two sisters who have created a podcast which

9:12 is more about chatting than the actual content.

9:15 Or two sisters-in-law that go for a dog walk without

9:18 a dog so that they get some time on their own.

9:21 And not to forget the very secret night time delivery service of Diwali treats

9:26 every year all around the neighborhood just

9:29 because it's something that my mom does.

9:31 And it's these simplest rituals,

9:33 saying goodnight properly, saying good morning every day.

9:37 They sound small, but they become our anchors.

9:40 But why does it matter?

9:42 Well, nowadays most connection comes through screens,

9:45 messages, likes, and streaks, which is perfectly fine.

9:50 But sometimes it can leave you feeling full of pings and empty of people.

9:55 Rituals work differently.

9:57 They train our emotional muscle memory, and they give us deeper roots.

10:02 You don't realize that you're remembering until

10:04 you look down and you see your hands,

10:07 actually your son's hands stirring chai just like your parents do,

10:11 or your daughter lining up shoes near

10:13 the front door exactly like your grandparents like.

10:18 And that's the bigger point.

10:21 [laughter] When communities lose rituals, they lose connection.

10:24 When society loses rituals, it loses how to care.

10:29 Think of some of the important things affecting us all today.

10:33 Loneliness, mental ill health, and disconnection.

10:37 We can't solve them only with apps or poorly thought out policies,

10:41 but we start to solve them by remembering,

10:44 by remembering to call each other, sit together,

10:47 eat together, by remembering to sing together.

10:50 Rituals are scalable, not in the modern technological sense,

10:54 but in the deeply human sense.

10:57 One person makes chai for another, they make chai for their children,

11:01 and then their children make it for their children,

11:03 and suddenly generations are making chai in a way

11:06 that is just about possible for their ancestors.

11:10 One family will create a sandwich ritual,

11:13 a set of families will go to the board game cafe,

11:16 and all of a sudden you're creating a party in the local scout field,

11:20 a little bit like in the lead-up to Diwali in the good old days.

11:24 Thing is, this is how society survives.

11:26 This is how culture survives, and this is how communities keep well.

11:31 So, we invite you to think.

11:33 What's one thing you do every day?

11:36 You know, shaving, brushing your hair, saying good night, or making tea.

11:41 Where did that come from?

11:43 And who taught you that?

11:45 And what rituals will you create?

11:48 Because it's these small everyday rituals,

11:50 these small everyday acts, that when they're created with care,

11:54 help you connect to who you are and where you come from.

11:58 We've left some of those protective strings

12:00 that my mom was talking about, rakhi's,

12:02 at the front of the stage and on the table at on your way out.

12:06 So, please collect one.

12:08 You could use it as a way of reminding yourself of your own rituals,

12:12 or you might pass it to a loved one and create your own rituals.

12:16 Because from India to Africa to England,

12:21 [laughter] from chai to cheese on toast, [gasps]

12:26 that's the power of everyday rituals.

12:30 Wow.

12:32 [applause] [cheering and applause]