Bruce VS. Evan Almighty | Big Screen Laughs

0:00 HELLO.

0:03 YO, I'M LOOKING FOR WHOEVER RUNS THIS JOINT.

0:06 Be right with you.

0:07 I'm trying to fix a light.

0:08 Tell him if it's working.

0:11 Yeah.

0:12 Seems to be.

0:13 Kind of bright, though.

0:14 Yeah.

0:15 It is for most people.

0:17 Spend their lives in the dark.

0:20 Trying to hide from me.

0:23 Well, the elevator's broken, huh?

0:25 Yeah, but I'll get around to it.

0:30 You installed the Clapper?

0:31 No, but catchy dingle, isn't it?

0:34 Clap on, clap off.

0:36 Clap on, clap off.

0:37 The Clapper.

0:40 Just can't get it out of my head, yeah.

0:43 Oh, good luck with that.

0:45 I'm going to go now.

0:46 Okay.

0:47 But the boss will be right out.

0:57 You must be Bruce.

1:00 I've been expecting you.

1:04 This is hilarious.

1:06 So, you're the boss, and the electrician, and the janitor.

1:09 Must be a killer Christmas party.

1:11 Don't get drunk, though.

1:12 One of you might need A RIDE HOME.

1:15 [laughter]

1:16 YOU ALWAYS WERE FUNNY, BRUCE.

1:18 JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER.

1:20 He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves, either, son.

1:23 People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor.

1:26 It's freedom in it.

1:28 Some of the happiest people in the world go home

1:30 smelling to high heavens at the end of the day.

1:33 All right, what is this?

1:35 How do you know my father, and how did you get my pager number?

1:38 Oh, I know quite a lot about you, Bruce.

1:42 Just about everything [music] there is to know.

1:45 Everything you've ever said or done or thought

1:48 about doing right there in that file cabinet.

1:54 Wow, a whole drawer just for me?

1:56 Yeah.

1:58 Mind if I take a look?

2:00 Sure like.

2:03 It's going to be good.

2:11 [groaning] [screaming]

2:20 This last entry was a little disturbing.

2:32 [groaning] The gloves are off, God.

2:36 God has taken my bird and my bush.

2:39 God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.

2:42 Smite me, oh mighty smiter.

2:46 Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

2:50 Are you spying on me?

2:56 Who are you?

2:58 I'm the one creator of the heavens and the earth alpha and omega.

3:05 Oh, I see where this is going.

3:07 Bruce?

3:09 I am God.

3:11 Bingo!

3:11 Yahtzee!

3:13 Is that your final answer?

3:14 OUR SURVEY SAYS GOD!

3:18 WELL, IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, GOD.

3:20 THANK YOU FOR the Grand Canyon, and good luck with the apocalypse.

3:24 Oh, and by the way, you suck!

3:28 You know what would have been a little bit more impressive, though?

3:30 If you hadn't used the cheesy file cabinet illusion.

3:33 Anybody with a brain stem can tell that that drawer

3:36 is being fed through the wall from the other side.

3:38 All I have to do is find the crease, right around here.

3:42 There is a seam here or a hollow spot.

3:50 Where?

3:52 Through the drywall and concrete?

3:57 Okay, that is a good one.

3:58 That is a good one.

4:01 Okay, how many fingers am I holding up?

4:02 Now, Bruce thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God.

4:06 can't do it, man, that's cool.

4:07 Three.

4:07 Two.

4:08 Four.

4:09 Nine.

4:09 Six.

4:10 Eight.

4:11 One.

4:14 Okay.

4:16 How many now?

4:18 Seven.

4:25 You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce.

4:28 And quite frankly, I'm tired of it.

4:30 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

4:30 Don't come near me.

4:31 Seriously, when I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal.

4:33 I don't want to hurt you, but I will out of instinct.

4:35 You haven't won a fight since grade five, and that was against a girl.

4:40 Yeah, she was huge.

4:42 She'd been held back.

4:43 And the sun was in your eyes.

4:45 Oh, the ego.

4:47 Anyway, I brought you here to offer you a job.

4:50 Good job.

4:50 What job?

4:51 My job.

4:53 You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.

4:56 When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers.

5:02 Whatever you say, man.

5:11 B E A U people.

5:23 Hey, check it out.

5:24 Oh, look, it's the hero.

5:26 What's up, homie?

5:27 Yo, brethren.

5:28 What up with thee?

5:31 Blessings on your alley.

5:32 Looking for another can of whoop-ass?

5:34 You didn't get enough, Mr.

5:35 Hero?

5:36 He wants some more.

5:38 Surely, I say unto you, dudes I do not wish to fight.

5:42 So, as soon as you apologize and make a full reckoning of your transgressions,

5:46 I shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness.

5:52 [laughter] WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MAN?

5:53 MAN, YOU THOUGHT I WAS KIND OF FUNNY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

5:56 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU LOST it all up in here or what, but check this out, homie.

5:59 You want me and the homies to apologize, right?

6:01 Mhm.

6:01 All right.

6:02 Go, go.

6:02 I'll tell you what.

6:03 We'll apologize the day a monkey comes out my butt, then you get your sorry.

6:06 HOW ABOUT THAT?

6:08 [laughter] WHAT A COINCIDENCE, BECAUSE [laughter] THAT'S TODAY.

6:32 MAN, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?

6:43 You guys leaving?

6:47 Hey, don't forget your parting gifts.

7:16 Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey.

7:19 Time for you to go home, little buddy.

7:32 [music] Welcome to Eyewitness News at 6 with Susan Ortega.

7:41 Evan Baxter.

7:42 Fred Donahue, sports.

7:43 Dallas Coleman, weather.

7:45 And now, Buffalo's number one news team.

7:47 Good evening and welcome to Eyewitness News at 6.

7:49 I'm Susan [music] Ortega.

7:50 And I'm Evan Baxter, and here's what's making news.

7:54 A potential scandal with the Buffalo PD surfaced today when the mayor to

8:00 [clears throat]

8:00 when the mayor when the mayor

8:06 [clears throat] As soon AS WE'RE SUPPOSED TO ALL OF OUR SESSIONS SO,

8:09 I'LL TAKE THE hump something's stuck in my Somebody get me some water, please.

8:13 It looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.

8:16 [laughter] Uh-huh.

8:20 Oh.

8:21 There we go.

8:21 Sorry about that.

8:23 In other news the Prime Minister of Sweden visited Washington today,

8:27 and my tiny little nipples went to France.

8:32 What did he just say?

8:33 Check the prompter.

8:37 The prompter's fine.

8:38 Evan, read the copy, please.

8:40 The copy's good.

8:41 Just read it.

8:43 The White House reception committee greeted the prime rib roast minister,

8:46 and I do the cha-cha like a[ __] girl.

8:52 I like a do the cha-cha.

9:01 I'm sorry, we seem to be having some technical difficulties.

9:05 In other news my apologies.

9:13 [cough and clears throat] [snorts] [clears throat] DO DO CA-CA POO-POO.

9:48 [screaming]

9:56 BAXTER'S ONLY A FRESHMAN, SIR, BUT I you'll find he is locked and loaded.

9:59 Good.

9:59 Maybe this young stud can help me get these old mayors on board.

10:02 Oh, you'll be impressed.

10:08 Gentlemen, good to see you.

10:12 Do you want to explain yourself, Congressman?

10:14 What is going on?

10:16 Oh, these [laughter] are birds.

10:22 What are they doing here?

10:23 How did they get in here?

10:24 Well, that is an excellent question.

10:27 And my response to said question is they are trained aviaries, sir.

10:36 Let me make you see what I'm talking about.

10:42 I can make any sort of movement and they will not get off.

10:47 Do you have a point, Congressman?

10:49 Hey, guys, what's the point?

10:53 WHAT'S MY POINT?

10:54 OW!

10:56 I'll tell you.

10:58 Point is that man needs to dominate creatures.

11:09 Ultimately, man must dictate what happens in this country.

11:20 God bless America.

11:25 I couldn't agree more.

11:26 You have got to be kidding me.

11:28 No, of course not.

11:29 We lost a huge project last year because of the red-headed woodpecker.

11:33 Those environmentalists got so up in arms

11:35 over the potential disappearance of one stupid bird.

11:38 Yeah, birds are stupid sometimes.

11:39 We lost over 25 million dollars in business.

11:42 I see where you're going with this, Congressman.

11:44 Good work.

11:45 Your little display has obviously hit a chord.

11:48 Gentlemen, from now on, let's keep the surprises to a maximum of, say, none.

11:57 Understood?

11:58 Yes, sir.

11:58 Absolutely, sir.

12:23 Go!

12:25 Honey, you okay?

12:26 You need something?

12:30 No, nothing.

12:30 Just dropped something.

13:06 Go!

13:07 Oh.

13:08 Oh.

13:09 Oh, okay.

13:10 Okay.

13:18 Yeah.

13:19 Here we go.

13:21 Okay.

13:23 Okay.

13:28 Go!

13:29 Come on.

13:31 I need a beard.

13:31 Beard's so dirty.

13:34 Go.

13:35 Go.

13:35 Go.

13:36 Evan, you really would really help me out if you would Good morning.

13:38 Hey.

13:38 Hey.

13:38 Hey.

13:39 Good work.

13:41 Wow.

13:42 Whoa.

13:43 What's with the scruffle, mountain man?

13:45 Oh, well, you know, I figured it was the weekend and I was like, yeah.

13:50 What?

13:54 Honey, did I miss something?

13:56 How long have you been growing that?

13:58 I'LL GET THE DOOR.

14:01 CONGRATULATIONS!

14:03 WHAT are you talking about?

14:04 The lots!

14:05 You bought the lots next door.

14:07 Hello!

14:09 [screaming]

14:15 And pulling the down payment out of your home equity, very gutsy move.

14:19 I didn't do that, did I?

14:22 You sure did.

14:23 So, what's your plan?

14:23 What are you going to do?

14:24 Turn a quick profit, build them out on spec?

14:28 Who wants champagne?

14:30 Hip, hip, hooray!

14:35 You bought eight lots?

14:37 Yep.

14:37 I was going to surprise you.

14:40 Surprise, surprise, surprise.

14:43 Goober pile.

14:46 [laughter] What are you doing?

14:47 Wait.

14:47 We can't afford that.

14:48 Come on.

14:49 Joan Lunden, good to see you again.

14:51 Good to see you.

14:54 [sighs] And eight lots?

14:55 What are you going to do with eight lots?

14:58 I don't know.

14:59 Maybe I'll build a boat.

15:01 Did you say build a boat?

15:03 It might be something fun for the family.

15:05 We could take a boat, go sailing on the lake.

15:09 Be great in case it floods or something.

15:11 What is going on with you?

15:14 You bought all those lots and you're talking about building a boat.

15:17 You grow this crazy beard.

15:19 Is this like a midlife crisis?

15:22 that bad.

15:22 It's not?

15:24 Why do YOU THINK THEY CALL IT A CRISIS?

15:27 HEY, keep it down, YOU GUYS, OKAY?

15:40 YES, I'll tell him.

15:41 Thank you.

15:46 I might need security.

15:47 Thank you.

15:50 Can I help you?

15:52 Rita, it's me.

15:54 Why do you sound like Evan Baxter but look like a BG?

15:57 Okay.

15:58 All right.

15:59 Okay, that's great.

16:01 It's longer.

16:02 Oh my god, it is you.

16:06 Evan, what happened?

16:07 Are you Did you fall in a mine shaft?

16:10 No.

16:10 Did you just come out of a coma?

16:12 No.

16:13 Were you attacked by a werewolf?

16:15 No, I wasn't.

16:16 Well, if you were going for that rugged look, you overshot it.

16:19 You look like a bum in a suit.

16:20 You need Supercuts and A SHAVE.

16:24 RIGHT.

16:24 YEAH, BUT I CAN'T.

16:25 IT DOESN'T WORK.

16:26 What do you mean it doesn't work?

16:28 It doesn't work!

16:29 What What are you shooting up, Rogaine?

16:31 Rita, if Evan shows up makes I'm sorry, sir.

16:33 I'll be with you in just one moment.

16:36 Evan, take it in.

16:37 Take it in.

16:37 Okay, yeah, to answer any questions you may have,

16:39 I am going through adult puberty.

16:41 This is all temporary.

16:43 Why did you bring me down here?

16:44 What was so important?

16:45 What is so important?

16:47 I got a letter of intent here about Congressman Long's bill.

16:50 You remember that, don't you?

16:51 Well, you haven't been here and now he wants you to sign this in person, Evan.

16:54 No, I can't do that.

16:55 No.

16:55 No.

16:55 No.

16:56 Not going to happen.

16:56 No, you can't do that.

16:57 Not looking like that.

16:58 You have to go shave.

16:59 I can't shave, Marty.

17:00 When I shave, it grows back out.

17:02 That's what happens when you shave.

17:03 BUT THEN YOU SHAVE AGAIN!

17:05 YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

17:06 EVAN, what is going on?

17:09 I'm building something.

17:18 You're building something?

17:20 Well, I hope it's a barber shop.

17:22 Guys, I can't let Long see me this way, okay?

17:25 You're going to have to tell them I'm sick.

17:26 Just cover for me.

17:27 Just help me out.

17:31 Come on, Evan, be reasonable.

17:33 You got to get rid of that beard.

17:34 I need your face back.

17:35 I need you back.

17:36 Can you at least tell me what you're building?

17:38 Building a boat.

17:39 You're building a boat?

17:40 Look, you got to cover for me.

17:42 I don't want anybody to see Congressman!

17:44 me.

17:44 There you are.

17:45 Congressman I I I I Stop stammering, son.

17:49 We all play hooky from time to time.

17:50 I'm not going to turn you in to the principal,

17:52 mostly because I am the principal.

17:55 [laughter] Very good.

17:57 What's with the veil?

17:58 Did you get your new set of braces?

17:59 No.

17:59 No.

18:00 No.

18:00 I No, I That's a long story, sir.

18:02 Would you drop that thing, son?

18:04 I can't understand a word you're saying.

18:15 It's a wife thing, sir.

18:17 Just trying to spice up the love life.

18:19 Get on the ark!

18:21 EVERYONE ON THE ARK NOW!

18:24 [screaming] I THINK WE SHOULD GET on the ark.

18:26 I agree.

18:27 I think we should get on the ark, also.

18:29 I'm cold.

18:30 I'm wet.

18:31 I'm going home.

18:40 Ladies, move!

18:50 Oh my god, this is happening.

18:52 This is really happening.

18:54 Oh.

18:56 Get everyone on THE ARK NOW!

19:12 I'M GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT.

19:14 STAY HERE WITH THE KIDS.

19:26 EVERYONE, up the ramp!

19:28 Under the deck!

19:29 Come on!

19:29 Hurry.

19:29 Hurry.

19:31 Dylan, get back inside.

19:32 It's too dangerous.

19:32 No, Dad.

19:33 I told you I'm with you.

19:39 Careful, everyone!

19:40 In the ark!

19:40 IN THE WATCH YOUR STEP!

19:43 UP THE RAMP, EVERYBODY!

19:51 GOOD.

19:51 GOOD.

19:52 GUYS, help me with the door.

19:53 GET THE DOOR!

19:53 GET the door!

19:54 Guys, help me with the door.

19:56 Get the door.