If Others' Anger Makes You Feel You Did Something Wrong

0:00 I work with a lot of people who have a problem if somebody gets angry at them.

0:03 They feel like this is something that's really hard to overcome

0:06 and that working with somebody who gets angry is a really challenging thing,

0:09 but it's really not.

0:10 It's actually quite simple.

0:12 Once you really understand what's going on for the person who

0:14 is getting angry and when you understand what's going on for you.

0:18 So, let me start with a story.

0:19 It's a really great story about a woman that I knew who was in Silicon Valley.

0:23 I was coaching her and she was dealing

0:25 with one of the most famous Silicon Valley narcissists.

0:28 And every 2 weeks her team would meet with this guy

0:32 and this guy would just yell at the team.

0:34 Yeah, you're screwing up.

0:36 You're[ __] up.

0:37 Just yelling, screaming at people and every 2 weeks this would happen.

0:41 And she was scared of it and she felt like she was doing something wrong.

0:45 And one day she walked in and she said, "Hey,

0:48 I see that what you're pointing at is really important.

0:51 I see your vision and I see how important it is for us

0:53 to listen to you and for us to help you get that vision across.

0:58 However, when you yell at us, it makes it harder for us to help you.

1:04 So, if you could please not yell at us so that we can be more effective,

1:07 I'd appreciate it." And he stopped yelling at her.

1:11 He yelled at the other teams, but he stopped yelling at her team.

1:15 And so, for the next year they worked together,

1:17 there was no yelling that happened and then she left to start another

1:20 company and he actually agreed to be on the board of that company.

1:24 So, their relationship got very good very quickly.

1:28 And it's because he felt safe with her for the first time.

1:31 So, let me explain to you how that formula works.

1:34 The first part is how you're taking somebody's anger.

1:37 Typically, if you're scared of somebody's anger, two things happen.

1:41 The first thing is, I've done something wrong.

1:43 If I If they're angry at me, I must have done something wrong.

1:47 It's not logical, but it's how we were taught.

1:50 So, most of the time as kids, if your parents got angry at you,

1:54 the assumption is I I've done something

1:58 wrong cuz the alternative is that my parents

2:00 are[ __] crazy and I I have no one to take care of me.

2:04 So, as a kid, you can't think that.

2:06 So, you think I've done something wrong.

2:07 The second thing that's happening when they get

2:09 angry at you is you might not feel safe.

2:11 Oh my gosh, I'm I'm in danger.

2:12 Even when you know you're not in danger, you're like, "Oh gosh,

2:17 well, like I'm going to be something's going to happen to me.

2:20 I'm going to die." Like that kind of thing,

2:22 even though you know that's not true.

2:23 If you actually think it is true

2:24 that you could get physically in trouble, leave.

2:28 Call the cops.

2:29 Not okay.

2:29 Not okay for you to get hit.

2:31 Not okay for you to think that you're physically in jeopardy.

2:35 That's just absolutely not okay.

2:36 So, just leave.

2:38 Call the cops.

2:38 Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself.

2:41 But most of the time when somebody's getting angry,

2:44 it's not physically like we're not in physical danger.

2:49 So, it's really good to like understand that that's what's happening

2:52 in your nervous system and that's creating

2:55 the reaction the person who's getting angry.

2:57 So, for the person who's getting angry,

2:59 typically what's going on is I feel out of control.

3:03 I feel scared.

3:04 I don't know what to do.

3:06 So, I'm going to get angry because I feel completely out of control

3:09 and I need to get some sort of control and I feel really really alone.

3:14 And now you are running away from me.

3:17 You are not able to talk to me.

3:19 You are feeling like you've done something wrong.

3:22 Like you're breaking the connection.

3:24 And it's weird to know this, but most of the time

3:28 if you talk to somebody who gets angry and you say, "Well, when you get angry,

3:31 what do you want?" They're like, "Oh, I want engagement.

3:34 I want you to like be with me in that anger.

3:37 Just the way I want to someone to be with me if

3:39 I'm sad or I want someone to be with me if I'm scared.

3:43 That anger is this act of vulnerability.

3:46 And I remember I I used to get angry a lot

3:48 and I remember one of the big things that changed

3:50 the way that that I handled my own anger was one

3:54 day my wife and I were at a therapist and she said,

3:57 "Oh, his anger is just his vulnerability.

3:59 It means that he feels out of control and he's scared." And I went,

4:02 "Woah." And it changed that relationship with me because all

4:07 of a sudden I saw for the first time like,

4:09 "Oh, this is I'm angry and I've always thought I'm

4:12 a bad guy for being angry." Which most people get angry think.

4:15 They're like, "Oh, I'm a bad guy for doing this.

4:16 Why can't I stop doing this?" It gave me compassion for myself

4:19 for the first time and in that compassion my anger started to dissipate.

4:25 Just like my friend in Silicon Valley who talked to the narcissist

4:30 was just like gave compassion and then the anger just started to dissipate.

4:36 [snorts] So, it's really important to know what's going on for the person

4:38 who's getting angry and to speak to that directly.

4:41 But before you can do that, that feeling of I've

4:45 done something wrong and I'm not safe has to go away.

4:47 And the best way to do that is to really get in touch with your own anger.

4:50 Now, we have other videos on anger and you

4:52 can click the link below to find those videos.

4:56 But until you really understand your own anger and remove your own

4:59 anger you're always going to be scared of other people's anger.

5:03 An example of this is the woman that I worked with to get good with the anger.

5:07 She would drive home every day on her commute

5:10 and she would yell for like 10 or 15 minutes a day just getting all of her anger

5:15 out so that the anger stopped being scary.

5:17 It stopped being something that was a way to control somebody or be controlled.

5:22 It just became, "Oh, this is an energy that's moving and I can actually

5:26 accept it." And as she learned to love her own anger,

5:28 she could learn to love this man's anger.

5:30 She could see the out of controlness in it.

5:33 So, that's the most important first step for you.

5:37 Now, as far as working with the other person first of all,

5:40 you can absolutely draw a boundary.

5:43 And always it's really important to know that you You always draw a boundary.

5:45 You don't have to put up with anybody's anger.

5:47 It doesn't matter if it's a boss or if it's a a lover or a husband or a mother,

5:54 you don't ever have to put up with anybody's anger.

5:57 And to know that gives you an empowerment that's really important.

6:00 Because as long as you're scared of the anger,

6:02 then you're pulling away from the person who's angry.

6:07 You're you're you're removing yourself and then they

6:09 feel more alone and then they get more mad.

6:12 Right?

6:12 So, drawing a boundary is the most important thing

6:15 that you need to know that you can do.

6:17 And that's just simple like, "Oh, hey,

6:20 if you're going to be angry, I'm going to leave.

6:22 Happy to come back in 20 minutes and we can talk when you're not yelling at me.

6:26 It's just like super simple.

6:29 The thing about it that's really important is that you're saying, "Oh,

6:32 I'm going to be back in 20 minutes." Because otherwise

6:35 they're going to feel even more abandoned and even more alone.

6:37 They probably will anyways the first couple times you draw that boundary,

6:41 but you come back in 20 minutes, you show them, "Hey, I'm not abandoning you.

6:44 I'm here for you.

6:46 I'm just not willing to be yelled at.

6:48 That's it.

6:49 Like I'm here for you.

6:49 I love you.

6:50 I'm just not willing to be yelled at." And that teaches them that the anger

6:55 doesn't work and it allows you to feel empowered to say, "Oh, yeah, great.

7:00 I don't have to put up with this anger." Then you have a choice.

7:04 A choice to say, "Oh, I can be with your anger.

7:06 Okay, you're getting angry.

7:07 I can be with that." And in being with that, what

7:10 I'm going to do is I'm going to step in.

7:11 I'm not going to step away.

7:13 Just like my friend did, she said, "Oh, hey, I want to be here with you.

7:19 I care about your vision.

7:21 I know something's really important to you.

7:23 I see you.

7:25 It's okay, you're not alone.

7:26 I see that you're scared and you're not alone." Now,

7:28 typically you don't want to say,

7:29 "I see that you're scared." "I'm not[ __] scared."

7:31 Just like it's going to be the immediate reaction.

7:34 But the a heart is open and you're seeing it and you're saying, "Oh,

7:37 I see that there's something that's really

7:38 important and I really want to understand it.

7:41 Like can we like settle down so we can really talk about this and and I

7:44 can really understand and see you

7:46 and hear you because that's what somebody wants.

7:48 The same way they want it if they're crying,

7:50 the same way they want it if they're scared.

7:53 Anger has been turned into this bad guy of the emotions,

7:58 but it's something that we all feel.

8:00 It's something that we're all in and if we

8:01 don't feel controlled by it, it's not a bad guy.

8:04 Right?

8:05 We can feel controlled by anger and that's the most likely one,

8:08 but we can also be controlled by sadness.

8:10 Oh, I got to make sure they they don't get sad or fear.

8:13 How many times has somebody gotten really scared

8:15 and they're just like handing you their fear?

8:16 Like, you have to be scared cuz I'm scared.

8:19 Right?

8:21 All of it can be can be incredibly toxic, but not if you don't take it on.

8:27 And that's the thing is like, you aren't taking on their anger.

8:31 You're actually saying, "Oh, I see you.

8:34 I see that there's something really important.

8:35 I see that you feel alone and I'm here to be

8:38 with you in that process." And that can dissipate the anger completely.

8:43 To do that, you really have to see them not as the bad guy,

8:47 which means you have to see yourself not as the victim.

8:50 Right?

8:50 They can't be the person who's oppressing you.

8:53 It's really hard to love anything that you feel like oppresses you.

8:58 So, to really turn that moment of like,

9:00 I've done something wrong into, "Oh, they feel out of control.

9:05 I'm scared for myself into they're scared." And typically

9:11 the person who's scared of the anger is very empathic,

9:13 so they're actually feeling the anger the person who's

9:15 getting angry is fear and they're thinking it's theirs.

9:18 But you see have this moment where you just recognize you're like, "Oh,

9:21 that's what's happening." You can open up your heart

9:25 and you can be there for them in their anger.

9:27 Not that you have to.

9:29 Not that you need to.

9:30 It's got to be a choice that you feel completely empowered to make.

9:34 And if you you then you just draw the boundary.

9:36 So, if you're really interested in investigating your anger,

9:38 we do have two courses where we get deeply into anger.

9:40 One is the decisions course and one is master class.

9:44 And then we do each of those once a year and you'll

9:46 get to really go deeply into anger in both of those courses.

9:49 So, if you're interested in that, that's a great way to explore.

9:52 There's other ways to explore.

9:54 Most importantly, it's just how do you fall in love

9:58 with your own anger and not see it as an oppressor?