(Some of) the Best Cheap Car Challenges Ever Attempted | Top Gear Classic

0:00 Well, there are three shapes there, so presumably Jeremy's car made it,

0:04 but let's start by seeing what changes James has made.

0:07 It looks exactly the same.

0:08 Is this putty?

0:09 No, it's bathroom sealant.

0:17 [laughter] Okay, so the interior was a home-based botch job,

0:20 but my secret weapon was the gleaming condition of my engine bay.

0:25 How did you clean it?

0:26 With a man.

0:27 He's just spent his money on a man.

0:29 You think the Porsche judge man coming down is

0:32 just going to be interested in concours, aren't you?

0:34 Yeah.

0:34 I'd forgotten it was a Porsche judge.

0:37 He'll be He'll pringle probably.

0:38 I've been thinking ahead here.

0:41 Right.

0:41 done that.

0:42 In fact, Hammond had given his 924 sporting credentials it didn't deserve.

0:50 [laughter] LOOK AT THAT.

0:50 IT'S THE FLAMES.

0:51 I DID THOSE.

0:52 WELL, with a bit of help from an art college friend.

0:54 You see, they're the Gulf racing colors.

0:56 I've just seen the gear knob.

0:58 Yes, that's it.

1:00 That's quite a quite a nice addition.

1:02 I like that.

1:02 Can I just explain?

1:04 I [music] spent my money in the pursuit of performance, so it's been lowered,

1:07 it's on new springs, new suspension, it's on lower profile [music] tires.

1:10 It's a track car.

1:13 James.

1:12 Well, Oh, no.

1:14 Have you put a turbo on it?

1:15 Not actually, no.

1:16 Is this the turbo?

1:17 No, that's No, no, that's not the None of those are the turbo.

1:21 Well well done.

1:22 Good job you fitted the air intake.

1:24 Right, let's see what Jeremy has achieved with no money.

1:29 Blackboard.

1:31 Jeremy, you clot.

1:32 You're supposed to put the underseal on the bottom of the car.

1:35 You know those old Capris with black bonnets?

1:37 That's what I was going to I thought I'd copy it.

1:40 Right.

1:40 Only I I went over a bit, so I just kept going.

1:44 Whereas this looks much better, obviously.

1:46 How many cylinders has it got these days?

1:48 Six and three quarters.

1:49 I'm less worried having seen yours.

1:52 But laughing at each other was not a scientific measure.

1:55 Our efforts had to be judged by the chairman of the judges

1:59 of the famously fastidious Porsche Owners Club of Great Britain.

2:04 Good morning, gentlemen.

2:05 May, m a y.

2:06 m a y?

2:07 And the registration, please, letter b.

2:10 I don't know.

2:11 Could you open the tailgate for me?

2:12 Is that possible?

2:14 I'll have a go.

2:17 Don't break it.

2:18 The original door pull was missing from the car and it's a very,

2:21 very difficult component to get hold of these days,

2:23 so I substituted the the kitchen [music] unit drop handle.

2:28 And that, as you can see from the shape, is the rear windscreen [music] wiper.

2:31 Mhm.

2:32 It's just all looks like Tipp-Ex to me and Yeah,

2:34 that's Well, I think that's because it is Tipp-Ex.

2:36 Oh, really?

2:37 And now for the big moment.

2:39 Come and see this, gentlemen.

2:41 James' sparkling engine bay.

2:44 Very good.

2:44 All original fittings?

2:45 All original, [music] simply cleaned and polished.

2:47 No fancy tricks, just elbow grease.

2:51 That's what we like to see.

2:55 I'm a bit worried about the originality of the color.

2:57 No, it's not an original color.

2:59 You ever seen the Blackbird, the SR-71?

3:01 Yes.

3:02 Yep.

3:02 There you go.

3:03 So, not original, better.

3:05 Can we just have a peek?

3:06 Can you just flip the bonnet up for us?

3:08 Thanks.

3:10 There you go.

3:12 Excuse me.

3:12 Ah, that's my Yeah.

3:13 That's rather bold.

3:15 I think bling.

3:17 You really can't give you many points for the seats.

3:20 But you can't knock many off because there's

3:21 nothing wrong with them if they're not there.

3:25 True.

3:26 Original stickers?

3:27 Stickers are Yes, they are.

3:29 Are they?

3:30 One point for each.

3:34 Right.

3:33 Probably the most valuable bit.

3:34 Yes.

3:35 Of the car.

3:37 That's not real, obviously.

3:38 What does it do?

3:39 Nothing.

3:40 While the judges retired to do their scoring, we dived into the next challenge.

3:45 All your cars have a sporting pedigree.

3:47 Each Porsche must set a lap time in the hands of the Stig.

3:50 You will gain a point for every second under 1 minute 35,

3:54 lose a point for every second over.

3:59 There you started.

4:01 See the black smoke?

4:03 Back.

4:05 Look at all the smoke.

4:06 That is just mist on a lovely, lovely morning.

4:09 There's a little bit of mist.

4:12 Look.

4:13 Look at that.

4:14 It's gassing everything down there.

4:16 It's stopping.

4:17 No, you're not going to hit it.

4:18 stopping.

4:18 It's going around the corner, James.

4:21 Look at it.

4:22 Look at it.

4:23 Yeah, let's just ease back a little bit.

4:25 more than that, I would say.

4:27 MORE THAN THAT?

4:30 WHAT WAS THE TIME?

4:31 WHAT WAS THE TIME?

4:32 1:45.

4:33 What a machine.

4:34 What a machine.

4:35 What a stink.

4:36 Let's see what yours can do, then.

4:40 Those second-hand tires are really holding up.

4:43 Great.

4:43 Gripping well.

4:45 That's already several seconds ahead.

4:48 I wonder if James' grout will hold.

4:50 Or does he hit something?

4:51 That's a very good point.

4:53 Well, but a smoke there, James.

4:56 Yeah, well, it was light like you only have two cylinders less,

4:59 so it was going to be a bit lighter, wasn't So, it did it.

5:01 1:43.

5:02 1:43?

5:03 That's faster than James.

5:04 It was only 2 seconds.

5:06 This is kind of everything for me with my It is.

5:08 You need this to work.

5:12 The wheels are smaller because I've put it on lower profile tires,

5:14 so effectively the the the the Yeah, you get better acceleration.

5:17 Exactly.

5:18 Better acceleration.

5:23 [music] It was making a bit of a grinding noise as it set off.

5:26 there is a wheel bearing issue, and I had [music] a choice:

5:27 replace the wheel bearing or do the suspension.

5:30 So, the wheel may come off.

5:33 The wheel may come off [music] and kill the Stig.

5:35 So?

5:36 Well, it looks good.

5:36 Oh, he's in.

5:40 All of that effort, all of those low profile tires, Yes.

5:45 slower than his.

5:46 He's pretty If I'd left it standard,

5:47 it would have been a lot slower than a a a 944.

5:51 James' gloating was short-lived though.

5:54 Look at what had happened to his shiny engine [music] bay.

5:58 IT'S [laughter] NOT FUNNY.

6:00 ALL HE HAD WAS A clean engine.

6:03 Have you finished?

6:04 Yeah, that'll do.

6:04 Get your hand off me bonnet.

6:07 [laughter] The next challenge is called elevenses.

6:10 Each driver must use his Porsche to see who can

6:13 create the longest number 11 skid mark on the track.

6:17 This should be a well-oiled attempt this.

6:19 Yeah.

6:20 It's no sure that you blew a lump in the bonnet.

6:22 Right, let's see what he does then.

6:23 Okay James.

6:28 That's a bad thing.

6:29 he's he's done better than He's done quite well there.

6:31 I've got to tell you he's done better than this.

6:34 Straight [clears throat] down.

6:34 It's 40.

6:35 I've never seen him do anything that leery.

6:37 That is 31 ft.

6:41 Not bad.

6:41 Don't tell him that.

6:42 Yeah, he did about 4 in mate.

6:44 Well done.

6:44 Give that.

6:45 Oh, it's 4 in.

6:46 That's it.

6:46 That's quite good.

6:47 Yeah, no that was me the other day IN A BENTLEY.

6:49 GO!

6:53 AMAZING.

6:54 All right, give me the end.

6:55 [music] It is 35 ft.

7:00 He's beaten you.

7:01 It can do something.

7:03 However, my V6 and 3/4 is coming now.

7:06 Be honest.

7:08 To be brutally honest, my car with its V6 and 3/4 engine

7:12 and an automatic gearbox can't do smoking starts.

7:18 So, I'll have to be ingenious.

7:19 The life remaining in that car can now be calculated in yards.

7:24 Yeah.

7:24 Right, three, two, one, let it rip.

7:30 It's just driven away.

7:32 Let's give him an inch.

7:33 Okay, it's an inch.

7:34 Is that one?

7:35 Guys.

7:35 That's an inch.

7:36 Yeah.

7:36 That wasn't my best start.

7:38 No, it was a rubbish result.

7:39 I've had a great idea.

7:41 Stand back.

7:52 Imagine what he was like as a child.

7:55 [music] This is all just rubbish.

7:58 That's not an 11, is it?

8:00 39 40 41 42 yards.

8:06 The judges would have to decide on Jeremy's Asian number 11.

8:09 But in the meantime, we had our final challenge to think about.

8:14 We hope you enjoyed owning your Porsches.

8:16 Each of you must now sell your cars.

8:19 And points will be awarded for the money

8:22 you make over the 1,500 pounds you originally spent.

8:24 That's not in good shape.

8:27 Yours isn't in good shape.

8:28 Mine's got my name on it.

8:30 we're better off.

8:32 [laughter] I've got my name on it.

8:33 I don't have to find a short boat.

8:35 Call Richard Hammond.

8:36 He wants a car with no car.

8:38 Who's going to buy it from?

8:40 Nobody.

8:43 [applause]

8:46 Right.

8:46 Now, [applause] the scores.

8:48 The scores.

8:49 Here we go.

8:49 So, after all of that after the 11's is

8:51 and his Tibetan squiggle was disqualified, no points there.

8:55 This is where we stand with the scores.

8:56 James and I are separated by just two points on 27 and 29.

9:00 Then there is a bit of a gap.

9:04 He's struggling.

9:05 Minus 122 for Jeremy.

9:09 [laughter]

9:08 Everything to play for here.

9:11 And really, it kind of depends on how much we got when we sold the car.

9:14 So, James, how much did you sell your 944 for?

9:18 1,400 pounds.

9:20 WELL DONE.

9:24 [applause] SO, YOU LOSE YOU LOST 100 POUNDS, so that's 100 points off there.

9:29 So, that puts you on minus 73.

9:31 Minus 73, so what about you?

9:38 I HAVEN'T REALLY NO, I HAVEN'T SOLD IT.

9:40 Haven't or couldn't?

9:42 A bit of both.

9:42 I suspect nobody would buy it from you.

9:44 So?

9:45 Well, the point is I think I'm about to lose £1,500.

9:50 [laughter] I am.

9:51 So, I I that's not good.

9:53 Oh, I'm swelling.

9:55 So, that's what I This is a great moment.

9:58 £1,471.

9:58 I think that means I'm probably out of it.

10:03 [laughter] Well, no.

10:03 The only consolation is you're coming second.

10:06 I sold mine for £1,800.

10:13 [cheering] Nobody [applause] bought that heap of junk.

10:17 I'm sorry, I don't believe you.

10:19 winner thanks to my genius.

10:22 Because I realized I couldn't actually sell the car

10:25 as a car cuz technically it sort of wasn't anymore.

10:28 So, I sold it in bits.

10:31 What?

10:31 I sold it as spares.

10:32 I got £1,200 for like the wings and the doors.

10:37 And that was a bit short.

10:38 So, what I did What I did Well, you're not going to believe it.

10:42 Okay?

10:42 Are you ready for this?

10:44 Ready?

10:44 Yes.

10:45 And I've sold these already.

10:46 That's what you sold.

10:47 600 quid.

10:49 Look.

10:50 Turn your Turn your car into a living room.

10:54 YES.

10:56 MY ENGINE.

10:58 [applause] MY RUINED ENGINE IS NOW A COFFEE TABLE.

11:06 The seats, which are nice and kitsch, I've mounted.

11:09 I've turned them kind of into chairs and I've left the electric motors in there.

11:13 So, I can slide backwards and forwards.

11:16 Took them down to market.

11:17 The bloke gave me 600 quid for the lot.

11:20 I am gutted.

11:21 You bet you are.

11:24 [music] I was the first to arrive with my two-door coupe that isn't a Porsche.

11:33 What it is is a Mitsubishi Starion.

11:37 I've um [music]

11:38 I've always loved these things and this is

11:40 the last one ever imported into Britain.

11:43 So, wide body 2.6 L turbo, [music] 14 years old, done 81,000 mi,

11:48 few bumps and scrapes, of course, but mechanically click good order.

11:56 James had bought himself a 1,000-year-old antique.

12:01 Well, James.

12:03 [music] Jag, it's got 12 cylinders, and it's gold, sir.

12:07 Look at that.

12:09 It's I'm really quite cross cuz it doesn't appear to be I mean,

12:12 I assumed it because I never even bothered looking for an XJS

12:15 cuz I thought it would [music] just be rubbish for this money.

12:17 I never bothered looking for a Starion because

12:18 I just knew it was rubbish, full stop.

12:21 Don't you like the DeLorean, rare thing?

12:23 Yes, did DeLorean use gaffer tape as well?

12:27 And finally, Hammond arrived.

12:30 I knew he'd buy a BMW E-Rex.

12:33 I see it looks very good.

12:36 Yeah.

12:36 Your handbrake working well there, then, is it?

12:39 Yeah.

12:39 Is it Oh, DEAR.

12:41 IT'S IT'S IT'S, you know, reasonably well.

12:43 Anyway, [laughter] he's bought a grandfather clock.

12:47 He has.

12:48 Well, let's just have a look at this.

12:49 Hang on a minute.

12:50 Is it an M?

12:51 What is it?

12:51 Is it a 635?

12:51 to put his red braces on.

12:53 Oh, shut up.

12:53 This is a 635, 1983.

12:56 Oh, yeah.

12:57 You've got a 635 for 635 within budget.

13:00 What have you got?

13:01 Oh [laughter] my god.

13:03 What?

13:03 It's a wheelie bin.

13:05 Look at it.

13:05 I have to get on with this challenge cuz have you seen under his car?

13:07 Pool of oil and it's growing.

13:09 Well, there's plenty in there, though.

13:10 So, first challenge, and it is here.

13:12 Thank you very much.

13:14 High-speed bowl challenge.

13:16 You will drive around the banked high-speed circuit as quickly as possible.

13:20 140 mph is your target speed.

13:23 Points are lost for failing to achieve it and gained for beating it.

13:29 [music] Okay, here we go.

13:33 Top speed of that car,

13:34 [music] when it was shiny and new in 1984, was 142 miles an hour.

13:40 Many, many years and moons have passed since then.

13:45 The hamster was in the wheel, but his car wasn't [music] going to be rushed.

13:50 105 110 I think it's got a lot more to give.

14:08 [music]

14:07 At 115 miles an hour, Hamster.

14:10 I've only got 110 showing on the clock.

14:12 You see, it's a BMW.

14:14 It's even discreet and underestimated its speed.

14:18 How do I get off?

14:22 [music] Right, here we are entering the the bowl.

14:24 I just Here he comes.

14:25 Here he comes.

14:26 That's the slowest car ever at Millbrook.

14:29 I'm moving into the top lane.

14:33 Muffler thing Oh!

14:40 Flipping heck!

14:42 That felt good.

14:45 That's oil.

14:45 Yeah, this is oil smoke.

14:47 And what was the speed?

14:49 Error.

14:50 What do you mean, error?

14:51 HE'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.

14:52 THAT NEVER HAPPEN with the police?

14:54 It's smoke.

14:55 Oil pressure has disappeared.

14:58 It's This thing could explode.

15:02 Look at the smoke.

15:09 James's grandfather clock had reached the 140 mile an hour target speed,

15:14 but it had paid the price.

15:19 [music] Yep, that's broken.

15:28 It looks awful.

15:30 It sounds terrible.

15:32 And to start with it was disappointingly slow, but I wasn't worried.

15:37 I do have one secret weapon,

15:38 which is the bloke I bought it from has fitted some device to the turbo charger,

15:43 and I'm not joking, that gives me sort of extra boost.

15:47 I'm going to try that now.

15:50 Oh my god.

15:52 The afterburner certainly upped the speed.

15:57 But unfortunately, it also undressed the car.

16:01 Where's this thing gone off the back?

16:06 [music] Yes.

16:06 Right.

16:07 Is that your attempt at going faster shedding weight on the way around?

16:10 And how fast was it?

16:10 Uh 119.

16:12 What?

16:13 119.

16:14 119?

16:15 19, which is faster than me.

16:17 Yes.

16:19 Yes.

16:19 That said, James's clock was the winner,

16:22 even though it did need an oil and water

16:23 transplant before it could face the next challenge.

16:28 This challenge is designed to test the quality of the ride in your cars.

16:32 Each of you must drive along the dreaded cobbled pave course

16:36 at 30 mph with a bowl of water on your lap.

16:39 This is Belgian pave, very very bumpy,

16:41 and James is going to have a very wet crotch at all, is he?

16:44 I hate to say this.

16:45 Do you not think he stands a pretty good chance in that Jag?

16:51 And here we go, and that's a disaster already.

16:55 Oh my god.

16:56 He has achieved 30.

16:58 I felt like this since I was a very small boy.

17:00 Oh, that's a bit of a wobble there.

17:01 That was a splash.

17:03 Now it's flying everywhere.

17:04 Oh, yes, it's very bumpy.

17:06 [laughter] Oh.

17:08 Oh.

17:09 That's not the first time that's happened, is it?

17:10 Richard.

17:11 Yeah.

17:12 That happened in a Jaguar.

17:13 Yes, exactly.

17:13 This is the car with one of the world's best ride quality.

17:16 So you, sir, in your sporty BMW, are probably going to drown.

17:20 This may not look like a lot of water.

17:22 Can I just point out Very firm suspension in the 635.

17:27 Not the car I would choose if I was going to drive

17:29 over some Belgian pastries with a bucket of water on my lap.

17:36 Not my lap.

17:40 [laughter] It's a massive cold.

17:42 What is this like being old?

17:50 Thank you very James is quite wet.

17:52 Yeah.

17:53 Base trousers, big [laughter] big problem there.

17:56 It's uh How did you get it up here?

17:58 I'm only small.

18:00 I'm It's It's up to his waist, man.

18:02 [laughter] Finally, it was Jeremy's turn, and he had a bit of a handicap.

18:08 Problem I have, of course, is I have a manual, unlike the other two.

18:11 So, I actually have to physically move my legs in order to change gear.

18:17 The gearbox, however, was the least OF MY WORRIES.

18:22 [laughter] DID THE BONNET JUST BOUNCED UP?

18:25 THAT'LL HAVE chucked it all in his crotch.

18:27 I so hope so.

18:29 NO!

18:30 OH, NO!

18:32 [laughter] JUST FROM HIS EXPRESSION.

18:39 [laughter] OH, WELL DONE.

18:40 JEREMY, Let me check that.

18:42 I think we can already tell.

18:47 [laughter] It's a nice warm sunshine.

18:48 Yeah.

18:48 It's not pleasant, is it?

18:50 Try If you do that, then your trouser legs don't touch your legs.

18:53 So, it was another victory for the grandfather clock,

18:56 but the smile was about to be wiped off James's face.

19:01 Right.

19:04 Your Coupes were renowned for their sporty character in the 1980s.

19:07 90s with my 90s.

19:09 90s in your case.

19:09 But, how will they measure up today on the fearsome Alpine circuit?

19:13 About this back thing, I think.

19:15 The Stig will drive a lap in each car.

19:17 1 minute and 5 seconds is the target time.

19:20 You lose a point for every second slower than

19:22 that and gain a point for every second faster.

19:27 [music] I decided that my BMW should tackle

19:29 the web of hills and off-camber corners first before

19:32 the British Leyland Jag had the chance to coat them all with a film of oil.

19:41 Here we go.

19:42 Look at that.

19:45 It looks brilliant on there.

19:47 30 30 miles an hour up there.

19:48 Get off.

19:49 That's moving Look at it corner levelish.

19:52 leaning in Run for your life.

19:57 They've [music] got a good noise as well, actually.

20:00 That's cuz five per cylinder more.

20:02 But they're working well.

20:06 The lap time for the BMW is 1 minute and 1 second.

20:10 YES.

20:11 I THANK YOU.

20:12 I won something, possibly.

20:15 Next up was the mighty Starian.

20:19 Manual gearbox, the lightest of the three,

20:22 I was confident the pedigree racer would romp to victory here.

20:26 Look at that already.

20:27 That's quicker than yours.

20:29 No, he's quicker through here.

20:31 He's not quicker.

20:31 Yes, he does Look at that.

20:32 He is flat.

20:36 See that back just kicking there?

20:38 See the back

20:40 flopping flopping The lap time for the Mitsubishi Starian is 1 minute dead.

20:47 No.

20:48 Got good brakes, good steering, good handling.

20:50 Everything about it is You bought the wrong car, Richard.

20:55 But when it comes to wrong cars, the Tory Canyon takes some beating.

21:02 [music] Will Did the hill?

21:06 I'd love it to stop and roll back down.

21:08 It doesn't look that fast, actually.

21:09 It's not.

21:12 Oh my word, see the stake.

21:16 And the time for the Jaguar XJS is 1 minute and 9 seconds.

21:24 Rubbish.

21:24 [laughter] That's poor.

21:26 I'm not laughing at you.

21:27 Not only had James's car lost, but yet more vital fluids had been spilled.

21:32 There's evidence of its blood.

21:34 Can you see it?

21:35 It's bleeding.

21:39 Here are the cars we bought.

21:41 There's Richard's Rover GTI, James's Audi 80, and my V6 Volvo GLE.

21:48 And here's the first test.

21:50 Our researchers worked out how much fuel was used on the Manchester run.

21:54 30 MPG was the target for every mile to the gallon over that, you get a point.

21:58 For every MPG under it, you lose a point.

22:05 Right, I have the results of the economy run.

22:08 The Volvo, 20 miles to the gallon giving Jeremy a score of minus 10.

22:15 The Rover, 23 miles to the gallon giving Richard a score of minus seven.

22:20 And the Audi, a remarkable 35 miles to the gallon giving me five points.

22:27 Yes, now I have just been told

22:29 that we're also going to be tested on reliability.

22:32 We're going to lose a point for every time the bonnet had to be lifted,

22:35 which means none there for you, James,

22:38 none for me, and minus another one for Jeremy.

22:42 Okay, I admit it.

22:43 My Volvo's not doing well, but it's time now for the next challenge,

22:47 which is Each car will complete one fast lap

22:52 of the track in the hands of an independent adjudicator.

22:55 1 minute 50 seconds is the target.

22:58 For every second you go faster than that, you get a point.

23:00 For every second slower, you lose a point.

23:03 First to go is Richard's GTI.

23:11 This is probably the worst car The Stig has ever driven.

23:13 Although, it must be said, probably not the worst car he's going to drive today.

23:18 No.

23:21 Okay, he's going down now towards the Hammerhead.

23:23 He's probably up to 40 or 50.

23:30 He's coming through to the follow-through now.

23:32 My bet is he'll lift.

23:42 Now, let's see how James' Audi goes.

23:48 That was naught to 60 in about 25 minutes.

23:51 Assuming it will ever get to 60.

23:53 This is where we will see the advantage of the optional sport pack.

24:04 The Stig said after this, Richard thought the Audi had been

24:07 in a big accident at some point in its life and not mended properly.

24:11 But, he was even ruder about my Volvo.

24:22 [laughter] The thing is, it is NOT GOING AWAY.

24:24 IT'S STILL THERE.

24:27 [laughter]

24:33 170 brake horsepower.

24:33 Yeah, but 170 tons of Volvo.

24:38 [laughter] So, the results.

24:48 Uh Richard's Rover went round in 1 minute 42 seconds.

24:52 So, that is 8 seconds under the 1 minute 50 target.

24:55 That means eight points.

24:58 James's Audi was 4 seconds under the target, a 1:46, so he gets four points.

25:05 And my Volvo, 1:48, so that's two points.

25:09 It's a plus.

25:10 It's a plus.

25:11 Okay, another test.

25:12 So, if I can have the envelope, thank you.

25:14 The Highway Code says the stopping distance

25:16 from 60 mph is 60 yd without thinking time.

25:20 Well, we don't need any of that.

25:22 You'll get one point for every yard less than that your car pulls up in.

25:27 Here's James braking from 60 mph.

25:30 Here we go.

25:34 [screaming] Oh, straight and true.

25:37 Beat that, Hammond.

25:38 Okay, I'm at 60, just James to beat.

25:40 HERE WE GO.

25:41 BRAKING.

25:43 NOTHING.

25:50 [snorts] [panting and sighs]

25:52 SADLY, I COULDN'T BEAT JAMES, but surely that fat Volvo would let Jeremy down.

26:00 ANTI-LOCK BRAKES!

26:02 YES!

26:02 YES!

26:03 YES, THE VOLVO SCORED A POINT.

26:09 What a great car.

26:11 Right, brakes.

26:12 Now then, James's Audi pulled up in 40 yd,

26:16 which is 20 under the Highway Code stopping distance,

26:18 which means he gets 20 points.

26:22 Then my Rover stopped just in 48 yd, which means I get 12 points.

26:28 And then, amazingly, Jeremy's Volvo,

26:31 as an advertisement for the advantages of anti-lock brakes,

26:34 stopped in 34, which means he gets a very handy 26 points.

26:40 And so, for our next challenge, thank you.

26:46 Each car loses a point for every electrical item that isn't working.

26:51 Anti-lock brakes, are they working, Richard?

26:53 Uh well, no, they're not actually.

26:54 No.

26:55 Right, that's one off.

26:56 Get the bonnet up.

26:57 Oh, look.

26:58 His under-bonnet light doesn't work.

27:00 So, what?

27:00 It doesn't matter.

27:01 Oh my god, it's all broken.

27:03 Now, your air conditioning as well,

27:05 that's a point off because that doesn't work.

27:07 The wipers work, the lights work.

27:09 The interior light doesn't work.

27:10 The interior light doesn't work.

27:11 It just doesn't.

27:13 It doesn't work.

27:14 Right, enough.

27:15 The results.

27:17 Richard's Rover, three faults giving him minus three points.

27:24 My Audi, minus four points.

27:27 And Jeremy's Volvo, back on form with minus 12.

27:33 Now, it's time for the final test.

27:37 Thank you.

27:38 Uh here we go.

27:43 Okay, chaps, you might want to come and have a look at this.

27:46 Right, it goes what it says is each of you

27:48 must drive your car into a wall at 30 mph.

27:53 Hey?

27:53 Yeah.

27:54 You lose 10 points if you're killed,

27:56 five points for each broken bone, and one point for each blood injury.

28:00 Right.

28:01 That's I'm feeling quite relaxed, actually.

28:03 With your Volvo?

28:03 With my Volvo.

28:04 By contrast with my Rover made entirely of rust, I'm feeling a bit scared.

28:08 James, are you all right?

28:09 Have a crash.

28:10 Yeah.

28:11 On purpose.

28:12 Yeah.

28:12 It's going to be worse for him there cuz he is in that rust car,

28:15 and doubly worse because it also says here

28:17 that since you're the youngest, you're going first.

28:20 Right.

28:21 Goodbye.

28:21 Admire your logic.

28:22 Bye.

28:23 Thank you.

28:29 20, 25, 30, 30 mph.

28:33 I'm going in.

28:34 OH MY GOODNESS.

28:48 WELL, UM MY BONES ALL STILL WORK, I THINK.

28:52 And uh there's no blood.

28:56 I think my car has borne the brunt of it.

28:59 I think it did quite well.

29:00 Next.

29:06 Well, [music] it's been good.

29:11 I'm May Judy Kidd.

29:13 I'm Stephen Fry.

29:23 Yes, he's dead.

29:24 So, that's 10 points away there.

29:27 And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear.

29:31 No, no, wait.

29:31 Look, he's coming round.

29:33 He is.

29:33 He lives.

29:34 He lives.

29:36 That's no 10 points off, though.

29:37 Blast.

29:38 That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done.

29:42 Then it was my turn, [music] and I had a problem.

29:45 The speedo wasn't working, so I had to guess how fast 30 was,

29:49 and I got it a bit wrong.

29:53 Drive it on.

30:05 Damn.

30:06 Damn.

30:06 I think I missed the wall.

30:12 We all lived then.

30:14 [music] But what about the cars?

30:16 Richard's Rover is dead.

30:19 James's Audi is dead.

30:20 [music] But my Volvo?

30:27 Yes.

30:34 [applause]

30:34 Yeah.

30:34 Yeah.

30:34 All right.

30:35 Okay.

30:37 Okay.

30:38 Okay, so your car worked.

30:40 Great.

30:41 But you didn't, because I have managed to secure this x-ray.

30:46 Now, what do you think that is, Jeremy?

30:48 It's an x-ray of a hand.

30:49 It is.

30:49 More specifically, your hand after that crash.

30:52 That crash at 40 mph.

30:54 Yeah, whatever.

30:54 The important thing is this bit, look, the thumb.

30:57 It's broken.

30:59 No, it isn't.

31:00 It is.

31:00 You broke your thumb.

31:01 James, is that broken?

31:02 It's broken.

31:03 It is.

31:04 It's chipped.

31:05 Oh.

31:06 Look, if a teacup is chipped, my mother would say it's broken.

31:09 And if it's Absolutely, it's broken.

31:10 It is, Jeremy.

31:11 Accept it.

31:11 You broke your thumb.

31:12 That's five points off, so minus five, which brings your score,

31:17 if I'm right, after all that we've just done, to naught.

31:21 NO POINTS AT ALL.

31:23 BUT, there is one challenge left, and it is the big one.

31:26 It is the cost.

31:28 Now, we earn a point for every pound we've saved from our original £100 budget.

31:35 Jeremy, you have no points.

31:37 You're out of it.

31:38 I've got 25, Hammond.

31:39 You've got 10, so 15 quid either way could swing this.

31:44 Are you ready?

31:45 Yep.

31:45 I have the receipt for my car.

31:47 Okay.

31:47 Here.

31:48 Come on.

31:49 Tell me, tell me.

31:50 And I spent £75.

31:54 Right.

31:55 £75.

31:56 So, if I can be £15 under that, I'm I spent £80, which means JAMES IS AHEAD.

32:02 OH, NO.

32:03 Which means Jeremy, unless you've got your car for about 10 quid,

32:08 James is going to be the winner.

32:10 OH, NO.

32:14 [cheering] £1.

32:16 £1.

32:21 [applause] YES!

32:25 THE VOLVO.

32:28 [applause] [cheering] [applause] THERE IS, HOWEVER, JUST A COUPLE more things we

32:38 need to say about these cars before we move on.

32:41 First of all, we didn't cheat, okay?

32:44 I actually got a friend of mine to go and buy this Volvo for me,

32:47 uh and she came back from the dealership having spent a quid.

32:51 Yes, a quid.

32:52 So, she couldn't believe how much choice she had.

32:56 There were BMWs and Audis and Fords and all sorts.

32:58 Well, there's a very good reason for all these cars being around,

33:00 and it's because not so many years ago,

33:02 if your car was finally broken and old and ruined,

33:05 you took it to the scrapyard and he'd give you 20 quid.

33:08 That was the end of the matter.

33:09 Now, though, the EU says old cars have to be recycled,

33:13 which means you have to take it to the scrapyard and pay

33:16 the scrap dealer 100 quid to take it off your hands.

33:19 Exactly.

33:19 So, when this friend of mine went into the Volvo main dealer,

33:22 who'd taken this as part exchange,

33:24 okay, so he had to get rid of it, cost him 150 quid.

33:27 She goes and says, "I'll give you a quid." He's 151 pounds up.

33:33 A quid.

33:34 Absolutely.

33:35 No!