How to be confident (even if you’re not) | Montana von Fliss | TEDxBellevueWomen

0:00 Transcriber: Cristina Muñoz Reviewer:

0:04 Raúl Higareda Picture this, you’re going on a boat trip,

0:12 and you get on board with your family, and you got your bags,

0:16 and the captain comes out to greet you and says, “Hi, Um...

0:20 My name is Montana...

0:23 Von Fliss.

0:24 Uh, so...

0:25 I’ll be your captain for this journey...

0:27 (Exhales) So, uh...

0:30 (Laughter) Oh, boy...

0:32 Let’s just have a great trip.

0:34 Sorry.” (Laughter) Nope.

0:37 Get me off of this boat.

0:39 (Laughter) What we want in that moment is for the captain to walk out and say,

0:44 “Hi, my name is Montana Von Fleiss, I’ll be your captain for this journey.

0:49 Let’s have a great trip.” The point is, when you are the speaker,

0:54 you are the captain for that journey, and how you show up really matters.

1:00 For the last 17 years, I’ve coached thousands of speakers all over the world,

1:05 from big tech companies to small startups,

1:08 and everyone, from new hires to CEOs of Fortune 500 companies,

1:14 want to know, how do you show up and look confident?

1:18 So I’d like to share my top five tips

1:21 for how to be confident, even if you’re not.

1:24 So let's break it down.

1:25 What was the difference between those two captains?

1:28 What did you see?

1:29 What did you hear?

1:30 And not just, “One seemed nervous,

1:33 one seemed confident.” But what was I doing differently to make you think that?

1:39 Different volume, different words, certainly different body language.

1:45 But the truth is, I wasn’t feeling particularly confident.

1:50 I was just making certain physical and vocal choices to make you think that.

1:56 You can do that too.

1:57 Anyone can do this.

1:59 So, what are those confident-looking choices?

2:03 Number one.

2:04 Turn up the energy and speak up.

2:07 When you speak up, even just a little bit,

2:10 it reads as confident, and you don’t have to shout.

2:13 Think about it this way.

2:15 On a scale of 1 to 10, aim for a 5.

2:19 Yes, it goes to 11, (Laughter) but you can just aim for a five.

2:25 I’m here at a five right now.

2:27 I can bring it back down to a three here.

2:30 Nervous captain was here.

2:30 And we bring it back up to a five,

2:32 and it sounds prepared, positive, and confident.

2:36 So turn up the energy and speak up.

2:39 Number two.

2:41 Pause...

2:42 like a boss.

2:45 (Laughter) Nervous speakers tend to talk really fast, right?

2:49 And when they do have a pause,

2:50 they fill it in with verbal filler, likes and ums.

2:53 However, if you try to speak more slowly, it just sounds like this, right?

2:59 And that's not better.

3:01 So instead, make strategic pauses.

3:04 Pause in transition.

3:06 Pause for emphasis.

3:07 Pause...

3:08 like a boss.

3:11 (Laughter) Number three.

3:14 Superhero stance.

3:17 Imagine you are a superhero.

3:18 You can do it from your chair.

3:21 How would a superhero sit?

3:23 Yes.

3:23 Let that change your posture.

3:25 I see you.

3:27 Yes.

3:27 Let that bring a smile to your face and have some better eye contact.

3:31 All of that reads as confident, and pretending to be a superhero is just

3:37 a super quick way to have confident-looking body language.

3:42 Now, this one also goes to 11.

3:46 (Laughter) But you can just aim for a five, and that will be great.

3:52 Tuck in that cape and go save the day.

3:56 And you can stand in superhero backstage to boost your confidence,

4:00 but I’m saying bring that superhero stance on stage

4:04 so that your audience sees you as confident.

4:08 And if you need an easy shortcut, just make the shape.

4:12 Just make the shape of a confident person.

4:14 The audience cannot read your mind.

4:17 They don’t know how you’re feeling,

4:19 so just make the shape and they will go with it.

4:23 Like, if you came over to my house for dinner

4:25 and I opened up the door and I was like, “Hi,

4:28 come on in, we’re having chicken.” (Laughter) You’d be like, “Oh,

4:33 is this a bad time?” (Laughter) You know,

4:36 you’ve got to make the shape of a good host.

4:38 Make the smile shape, right?

4:41 Instead of crossed arm shape, open up.

4:44 “Hi, welcome.

4:45 Come on in.” If you’re not sure if you’re making confident-looking choices,

4:51 you can just video yourself and watch it back.

4:57 I feel like I just saw you say, “Um, not doing that one.” (Laughter) I know most

5:02 people don’t like to watch themselves, I get it.

5:05 But wouldn’t you rather...

5:07 make that adjustment before you’re in front of your audience?

5:12 Yes.

5:13 Videoing yourself is a great way to check

5:15 in to see that you’re doing the techniques,

5:18 but also to see that it’s still authentically you,

5:21 your version of confident captain.

5:25 Now, how can you do all of these things on performance day?

5:30 Number four.

5:32 Practice with purpose.

5:34 So, make yourself a rehearsal schedule.

5:37 Put it in your calendar.

5:38 You can give yourself a little treat when you do a run through.

5:42 And make it practice with purpose by giving yourself a specific

5:46 goal or layering in one new confident captain technique each day.

5:52 If it’s a week before your event,

5:54 aim to run it all the way through at least once a day.

5:59 If you have no time for a run through, just take the opening and closing,

6:02 and run that three times in a row from anywhere.

6:05 When you’re in the shower, when you’re walking your dog,

6:08 when you’re making a meal for your kids.

6:10 I know my kids are very used to me walking around the house talking to myself.

6:15 Whatever you need to do to get in those repetitions.

6:20 And don’t be afraid of over practice.

6:24 Don't let that stop you.

6:26 You can just let go of your verbatim script if it’s starting to sound robotic.

6:31 And you can still use bullet point speaker

6:35 notes to remind yourself of what you would like

6:37 to say and to invite you to say it

6:40 a little bit differently each time to keep it fresh.

6:44 And let me be clear, by practice, I mean standing up,

6:49 saying it out loud, imagining your audience

6:52 and inviting them in, clicking through your slides,

6:56 doing it as much like it will be on the day, whether it’s virtual or in person.

7:02 And I know it might feel a little funny saying it out loud to yourself,

7:08 but think about when you learn a new sport,

7:12 or when you practice a musical instrument.

7:15 If you had a piano concert on Friday, and you got new music on Monday,

7:20 would you only read your music every day and then play

7:24 it for the very first time at the concert on Friday?

7:27 No way.

7:28 And yet, I see speakers do this all the time.

7:32 Give yourself a chance.

7:34 Practice helps everything.

7:37 And it can really boost your confidence to practice

7:41 with purpose by layering in one new technique each day.

7:48 Okay, those first four techniques,

7:50 they’re all about how to appear confident, regardless of how you’re feeling.

7:56 I’ve got one more technique for you, and it’s a big one.

8:01 But this is the real gem.

8:02 It's the one that makes all the others shine.

8:06 This is number five, the silent sentence.

8:11 This is about what you choose to tell yourself.

8:16 I’ve been a professional actor since I was a kid,

8:18 and I have always loved going on stage as an actor, as a speaker, as an emcee.

8:25 And, at the same time, I have often been not just nervous,

8:30 sometimes downright terrified to step on a stage.

8:36 I’m shaking, I’m sweating, and I’m like, “What was I thinking?

8:40 Why do I do this to myself?” And all these unhelpful voices flood in.

8:44 And I just tried to make it stop, push it away.

8:48 And of course that never worked.

8:50 And I kept going on stage because I love it.

8:55 And years later, when I became a speaker coach,

8:58 I got asked to do all these professional presentations,

9:01 and they went well, but I still had no way to deal with that massive anxiety.

9:08 And I was like, “What can I do?” And I thought,

9:13 “Well, what am I telling myself?” “What if you mess up?

9:18 You better be perfect.” I realized I was

9:22 giving myself an impossible instruction to be perfect.

9:27 And that really was not working.

9:30 But what would work?

9:31 What would be a better message?

9:33 And to figure that out, I had to go back to square one.

9:36 Like, what do I want?

9:39 Why did I say yes to this speaking gig?

9:42 What is my deeper purpose here?

9:45 And I realized at the heart of it,

9:49 I just want to help my audience to the best of my ability.

9:55 And when I said that, I noticed everything change.

9:59 And that's where I found my first silent sentence.

10:03 I want to help my audience to the best of my ability.

10:07 When I said it, even silently to myself, it acted like this override switch.

10:12 Like I might still be shaking and sweating, but now I have this higher goal,

10:17 this deeper purpose, and everything aligned to that.

10:20 And that became my highest priority.

10:22 I want to help you.

10:24 And now, that thought replaced those unhelpful

10:27 thoughts and everything went better in my performance.

10:31 And I was like, “Yes, it worked.

10:36 Yay!” And then I was like, “Wait, how do I do this every time?

10:42 Especially when the stakes are high.” And it dawned on me,

10:47 if I’m writing and crafting the words I say out loud,

10:51 why not write and craft the words I say silently to myself?

10:56 Put it in the script.

10:58 It’s the silent part of the script.

11:02 So now, every time I rehearse, every time I walk onto a stage,

11:08 every time I join a virtual meeting,

11:11 I say the following, new and evolved silent sentence,

11:17 “I invite you to be here with me while I am here

11:23 with you so that I can make this easier for you.” Now,

11:31 that invitation to myself to be present,

11:36 that’s my definition of stage presence, being present.

11:41 And that invitation to the audience to be my partner,

11:44 that reminds me, these are friends, not foes.

11:48 And I am choosing to be here.

11:50 And now I’m not just making the shape of a good host.

11:53 I really am a good host because I am genuinely welcoming you to my world.

12:01 Now, how do you go about finding your silent sentence?

12:06 What do you want?

12:08 What's your deeper purpose?

12:11 You could be like me, and you might just want to help people.

12:15 Or it could be something more specific.

12:17 For example, you might want at least one person

12:20 in your audience to walk out and take a CPR class.

12:25 Or maybe you’re just super excited to have this experience

12:28 or share with them some cool solution you have for their problem.

12:33 You get to fill in the blank and decide what you want to accomplish.

12:39 And this is not about graduating to some higher

12:42 level of being where you never again feel nervous.

12:47 Yeah, I know I haven't.

12:49 I was feeling it pretty big about 15 minutes

12:52 ago (Laughter) while getting ready to walk on this stage.

12:56 And I am, and probably always will be a recovering perfectionist.

13:05 That is a well-worn pathway in my brain.

13:08 It is there, it exists, it cannot be erased.

13:12 But now I have this other pathway.

13:16 And when big moments like this come up, I get to choose.

13:20 And that's what I was doing back there in the wings.

13:23 I was choosing to gently insist on repeating

13:28 my silent sentence to set myself up for success.

13:34 What we tell ourselves really matters.

13:37 We follow our own instructions all day long.

13:40 Our whole selves are always listening.

13:44 So when you notice something isn’t going well,

13:46 or you’re fearing something might not go well in the future, use this checklist.

13:53 What am I telling myself?

13:56 What's being broadcast?

14:00 Then replace that with a better sentence to help

14:04 set you up for where you’d like to go.

14:08 And most importantly, put it in the script and practice it.

14:12 Practice it just as much as the words you say out loud.

14:15 So if you’re running your intro in the shower three times in a row,

14:19 it would go silent bit, out loud bit, silent, out loud, silent, out loud,

14:23 until it is inextricably linked and it is just a part of your process,

14:30 and it is repeatable and reliable.

14:34 And then it’s just there for you when you need it.

14:38 Now, I want to leave you with this final thought.

14:42 When you’re at home and you’re practicing some of these techniques,

14:46 like turn up the energy and speak up, pause like a boss,

14:52 superhero stance, practice with purpose, and your silent sentence,

15:00 please know that it might feel uncomfortable

15:02 at first because it’s new and that is normal.

15:06 But think back to when I was demonstrating the nervous captain at the top.

15:09 How did that make you feel?

15:12 And then when the confident captain came out, “Oh, what a relief.

15:16 Now I can just sit back and enjoy the ride.” Remember that feeling

15:20 of safety you had as an audience member and bring that into your next rehearsal.

15:25 You can give that gift to your audience.

15:29 Reach outside your comfort zone to make your audience

15:33 feel safe by making the choices of a confident captain.

15:39 And who knows?

15:41 You might even have fun.

15:44 Have a great trip.

15:47 (Cheers and applause)