Hilarious Stand-Up That Left Apollo Audiences Speechless! | Live at the Apollo

0:00 We need to bring back a sense of consequences for our actions.

0:03 In this world, there are no more consequences for actions, yeah?

0:06 And what I'm talking about, if there's no consequences in this life,

0:08 what we need to do is bring back to Britain a simple sense of hell.

0:12 The idea if we screw up in this life, right?

0:16 We will burn in sulfur for all eternity in the next life.

0:20 Now, this is quite a tough sell, right?

0:24 You don't like that idea, do you?

0:26 Right, but hear me out.

0:27 This is a good idea.

0:27 We've got any We've got any Christians present?

0:29 I need your assistance.

0:30 Any Christian people here this evening?

0:31 Yeah, yeah.

0:32 The The The in the pink shirt.

0:34 Yeah, what's your name, son?

0:35 Josh.

0:35 Josh, fantastic.

0:37 You Christian?

0:38 I am.

0:38 So, you understand the idea of redemption, eternity, yeah?

0:43 Resurrection, eternity in particular.

0:45 And I do, too.

0:46 I understand the notion of eternity cuz I went to church on Sunday.

0:49 Let me tell you this, that service WENT ON FOREVER.

0:54 IT TOOK ME AN HOUR.

0:55 SO, I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT A BOTTLE OF WINE, I'd be drunk out of business.

0:57 NOW, WHAT IS THIS?

1:01 How long DOES IT TAKE TO OPEN A PACKET OF CRISPS?

1:03 GET ON WITH IT.

1:06 WE NEED TO BRING BACK TO NOW,

1:07 THE PROBLEM WITH THE IDEA OF HELL IS no one's frightened of it.

1:09 Now, I'm going to describe hell for you now,

1:11 and none of you are going to bat an eyelid, right?

1:13 And while your body's boiling in the uh molding in the grave,

1:16 we'll take your soul and boil it in boiling oil for a thousand millennium.

1:19 Then after that, two sulfurous demons,

1:21 emissaries of Satan himself, will come along,

1:23 pull out your kidneys,

1:24 and set fire to them with the red-hot coals of hell itself.

1:26 Then after this, another demon will come along,

1:28 pull out your eyeballs, stick them on the red-hot poker,

1:30 burn them on the hot coals of hell, and stick them up your[ __] and they'll come

1:33 out your own mouth with the[ __] on it.

1:35 And this will go on forever.

1:39 So, you're not bothered by that, are you?

1:41 IN FACT, MOST OF YOU ARE LAUGHING AT IT, HUH?

1:43 IN FACT, MOST OF US BEING BRITISH ARE THINKING,

1:45 "WELL, COME ON THEN!" GO ON, YOURSELF, THE DEVIL!

1:50 [screaming]

1:52 AND THAT'S THE INTERESTING THING ABOUT HELL, ISN'T IT?

1:54 WHEN you describe it, when someone describes hell,

1:57 it tells you everything you need to know about that person, right?

2:00 And what he's like and what his people are like.

2:02 And I described hell then in a normal British accent, which tells you that we,

2:05 the British, are stoic, tough people WHO CAN TAKE ABSOLUTELY BLOODY ANYTHING.

2:10 And that's the interesting thing about hell.

2:11 It tells you about the people telling you about it.

2:14 Hell in a French accent, for instance, SOUNDS LIKE A RECIPE.

2:20 AND WHILE THE BODY is lying down on the worms inside the flesh,

2:23 we take out the soul and place it in the fiery oil for a long time.

2:28 Then one of these two or two demons come together,

2:31 one removes the kidneys and place them

2:32 on the hot coals with a little white wine vinegar,

2:34 some sea salt, and some rosemary,

2:37 and cook them TILL THEY'RE BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE AND pinky in the middle.

2:40 Then after this, we take the eyeballs, place them on the hot coals,

2:42 cook them till they're crunchy on the outside,

2:44 runny in the middle, on the hot poker,

2:46 stick them up the arse to come out the mouth with the[ __] on.

2:48 It is delicious.

2:51 YEAH, YOU SEE?

2:54 [applause] PERVERTS!

2:57 PERVERTS!

2:58 SPICE FREAK, YEAH?

2:59 HELL.

3:01 Hell in a Dutch accent sounds like a pretty good stag do, doesn't it?

3:06 HEY, AND WHILE YOUR BODY IS lying down,

3:10 we'll take you to the hottest place you can imagine.

3:16 Imagine the hottest place you can go, yeah?

3:18 Now, go to even hotter.

3:20 And two demons will come together and rub oil all over your body.

3:23 Two demons.

3:24 Two demons together.

3:26 Two demons together at once.

3:28 And then you would take out your kidneys.

3:29 Oh, your hot kidneys.

3:31 Your hot kidneys.

3:32 And place your kidneys in a hot place and cook the kidneys till they're hard.

3:36 Till your kidneys are hard.

3:37 And they take out your eyeballs and stick them in your bum hole.

3:40 And this will cost you This will cost you 45 EUROS.

3:46 [applause] SOUNDS SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT LITTLE WEEKEND.

3:49 I'M THE SORT OF PERSON WHO WILL SPEND THEIR WAGES LIKE they're winnings.

3:52 You know what I mean?

3:53 Get all excited.

3:54 I just get so excited.

3:55 First half of the month, I'm getting my nails done,

3:57 champagne brunches, buying a second-hand jet ski I found online.

4:04 BUT I FORGET.

4:05 I FORGET about the second half of the month.

4:06 We all do, don't we?

4:08 And it's bleak, isn't it?

4:10 Isn't it bleak?

4:12 Just indoors, watching telly, eating beans on a jet ski.

4:19 It's embarrass myself, I do.

4:23 I do.

4:25 I love it.

4:26 I love shopping.

4:26 I love it.

4:27 People save money like that, not me.

4:29 I love shopping.

4:31 It's the pop-up ads.

4:33 They know me.

4:35 They know me.

4:37 I don't even resent it.

4:38 Oversized smock midi dress with pockets, yes, please.

4:40 I'll have another one of them.

4:42 Thank you, algorithms.

4:44 Love it.

4:44 Thank you.

4:46 Cuz they're all watching us, isn't it?

4:47 They're all watching what we're doing, listening to what we're doing.

4:49 People don't like it.

4:50 I don't mind it.

4:51 I use it to me advantage.

4:52 I'm like, I need a shed at the minute.

4:54 I'm like, 6 by 4 pre-treated timber.

5:01 Works every time.

5:02 But people get paranoid.

5:03 Don't worry about it.

5:04 Get paranoid.

5:04 Like my mum, paranoid.

5:06 My mum is paranoid.

5:08 She won't have a smartphone, no computer in her house, nothing.

5:12 She's like, "They're watching you, Laura." I said,

5:20 "Don't matter, does it, mum?" Said,

5:21 "It don't matter if you ain't got nothing to hide."

5:24 Do you know what my 73-year-old mother said to that?

5:27 "I have.

5:28 I've always." I said, "You're a top girl.

5:31 Say nothing.

5:32 Say nothing." It don't matter.

5:35 She's right.

5:35 Of course she's right.

5:36 You have to do what you have to do to get through lockdown.

5:38 That's what I say.

5:39 Do you know what I mean?

5:40 People will stop at I've got three kids.

5:42 There's no such No such thing as stop piling with three kids.

5:44 Let me tell you that.

5:45 Every other day I was going out for more Jack Daniel's.

5:52 I don't know.

5:53 It's got to be done though, isn't it?

5:54 I just know what it is.

5:55 Now we've ALL GOT ALL OUR FREEDOMS,

5:57 I'M WORRIED about myself because I feel like nothing's

6:00 actually as fun as you think it's going to be.

6:02 Maybe it's me.

6:03 There's a lot of stuff I don't get like Brighton and tapas.

6:05 Maybe it is me.

6:08 But I feel like other people are pretending to have fun.

6:10 Do you know what I mean?

6:11 Spa days.

6:12 You like A SPA DAY?

6:14 NO, I DON'T THINK you do.

6:18 Brunches.

6:19 Girls, how have we signed up to 50 quid brunches?

6:22 How has that become a thing, a standard?

6:25 When did that happen?

6:26 Not even birthdays.

6:29 It's mad.

6:30 I'd rather get drunk with me own scrambled eggs.

6:32 Do you know WHAT I MEAN?

6:35 HOLIDAYS.

6:35 YOU BOTHERED ABOUT A HOLIDAY?

6:39 [cheering] NO, I'M NOT.

6:41 AGAIN, I think YOU LIKE THE IDEA OF A HOLIDAY.

6:43 Do you know what I mean?

6:44 I like looking for them, booking them.

6:45 Actually doing them, hard work, I think.

6:49 It's true though, isn't it?

6:50 Do you know what?

6:50 I think I would genuinely rather be hospitalized.

6:56 Oh, can you imagine?

6:57 Food, drink, drugs brought straight to your bed.

7:00 Oh, that would be hundreds in our beef.

7:02 Hundreds.

7:05 I'd start clapping for the NHS again.

7:07 I would.

7:08 I would.

7:09 I love it.

7:10 I grew up in Dudley in the West Midlands.

7:15 [cheering]

7:14 Yeah, uh a lot of people grow up there cuz that's the only thing there is to do.

7:18 What you doing?

7:19 Growing.

7:27 In the '50s, my parents emigrated from Jamaica to Dudley.

7:32 Yeah, Nancy, I'm going to say that again just for you.

7:35 They emigrated from Jamaica to Dudley.

7:37 Why?

7:38 What was my dad thinking?

7:39 Bloody blue sky all the time.

7:43 I want hail and sleet and snow.

7:47 All this joyous reggae music.

7:49 Where can a man get some Des O'Connor?

7:53 WE NEED TO PACK YOUR BAGS.

7:54 WE'RE GOING TO DUDLEY.

7:57 THEY MADE ME GO TO CHURCH every Sunday.

8:00 The Pentecostal Church of God in Prophecy.

8:04 See, that's a black name.

8:06 White churches are always called things like St.

8:08 Thomas's.

8:10 We're all outside going, "St.

8:11 Thomas's what?" "St.

8:13 Thomas's Epiphany of the Shining Light of God in Christ IN WEST BROMWICH."

8:19 [applause] NOW, THAT'S A NAME.

8:23 You arrive late for church.

8:24 "Sorry I'm late, I was reading the sign." It's as good as Stephen King.

8:30 Uh uh I went to um Blue Coat Secondary Modern School in Dudley.

8:33 A lot of bullying there.

8:34 I mean, you know, back in the day it was different as well.

8:36 You get punched in the face, you keep it to yourself.

8:38 Nowadays, you go straight to the head teacher.

8:40 "Peter Wilkins has been punching me every day since the start of term.

8:44 I'm not going to teach him anymore." I've got a daughter, 17.

8:52 She's got a pet name for me.

8:54 Taxi.

8:56 Yeah, cuz I only sit in the series in the car.

8:58 And even then, she gets in the back.

9:00 I'm like, "How was school?" She's like,

9:02 "You're not one of those cabbies who's going to talk all the time,

9:04 ARE YOU?" HER CHILDHOOD'S DIFFERENT FROM MINE.

9:08 I MEAN, you know, when I was a kid,

9:09 it felt like everybody in Dudley had permission to beat me.

9:12 It wasn't just my mum.

9:13 You know, I'd be walking about in the street, SUDDENLY, BAM!

9:16 MRS.

9:16 Fearon from number 14 slap ME ROUND THE FACE.

9:19 THEN SHE'D DRAG ME TO MY HOUSE and tell my mum, "Mrs.

9:22 Henry, I saw Lennie misbehaving in the street,

9:24 so I beat him fair and square." Do you know what my mother said to this woman?

9:31 "Thank you very much.

9:33 I have six OTHER CHILDREN.

9:35 HELP YOURSELF ANYTIME." We made a documentary in Dudley about my mum last year.

9:40 My brother Paul said this on camera, no word of a lie.

9:44 "Len, when mum used to beat you,

9:46 we used to think it was REALLY FUNNY." BASTARDS!

9:51 WHERE'S THE SOLIDARITY IN THAT?

9:52 I'M GETTING my arse tore up, they're eating popcorn, they've pulled up chairs.

9:56 "Oh, it's not as funny as last week.

9:59 Mom, work the ribs now.

10:00 Work the ribs.

10:01 Mom, Harley shuffle, remember?

10:03 Harley, boom bye yay.

10:05 MOM, LIKE POPEYE, REMEMBER?

10:07 Febe febe febe febe febe febe.

10:11 When mom used to beat me, she always said the same thing.

10:14 I'm not doing this for me, it's for your own good.

10:18 WHAT PARENTS ARE INSANE?

10:20 I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR ME, IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

10:25 All the white people, what kind of parenting is that?

10:29 Lamar's like, yeah, me too.

10:34 Oh, man.

10:35 You know what I'd like to see on television?

10:37 Jamaican Supernanny.

10:42 Beat him if he's been bad.

10:43 Beat him if he's been good.

10:46 Beat him to show how much you love him.

10:48 Beat him till your arms hurt so much you have

10:50 to beat HIM FOR MAKING YOUR ARMS hurt so much.

10:53 She wouldn't mess about with you.

10:54 She'd say, all right, now, this is what I call the naughty chair.

10:57 Was that full?

10:58 You pick it up AND YOU BEAT HIM WITH IT.

11:01 I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR ME, IT'S FOR YOUR OWN ROCKING GOOD.

11:06 YOU KNOW TOE RINGS?

11:09 They are rings that we wear on our toes.

11:12 Then we have rings, earrings, rings people wear in their ears, yeah?

11:16 Eyebrow rings, uh nose rings, belly button rings, but um these ones rings.

11:22 Because if these ones were called finger rings make weddings pretty awkward.

11:41 With this finger ring, I make proposal stories really awkward.

11:51 Oh my god, so last night John came over and out

11:53 of nowhere just gave me the most incredible finger ring.

11:55 I know.

11:57 I'M SO HAPPY.

11:59 I MEAN, HE ASKED MY DAD'S PERMISSION FIRST, OBVIOUSLY.

12:03 And my dad was like, you go for it, son.

12:04 You give her that finger ring.

12:05 And he came over and he got down on one knee and he said,

12:08 darling, I want to give you this finger ring.

12:10 It's the same finger ring that my grandfather gave to my grandmother.

12:20 [applause]

12:24 Also make your order of the finger rings very different film.

12:25 Okay.

12:27 There's no one hearing that.

12:28 Just keep learning.

12:29 Life's about learning, guys.

12:30 I will share with you another big thing I learned this year.

12:33 Very exciting.

12:34 I learned showering with a partner is not sexy.

12:39 That does not seem like a big deal, but the world tells you it is sexy,

12:42 but you try that[ __] once and you very

12:45 quickly discover that sharing with a partner is not sexy.

12:48 Sharing with a partner is taking turns being cold.

12:54 Oh, yeah.

12:57 A lot of dosey doe action.

12:58 A lot of oh, let's move around this way.

13:00 Oh, why?

13:01 Cuz I've got to have freezing.

13:02 I'm freezing.

13:04 And a lot of kissing like this.

13:11 But mainly, as I get older, I just keep finding out[ __] that I'm wrong about.

13:16 Like you grow up and you go, I know these things, I'm sure.

13:18 And then wrong.

13:20 The last time I was in your lovely country,

13:22 I was on one of your lovely overland trains.

13:26 Uh you know the ones that have the toilets

13:28 with the electronic science fiction doors that go whoosh whoosh.

13:34 Now I was sure I knew how to lock those.

13:41 Nah.

13:43 Turns out I know how to shut them, yeah.

13:46 And uh 12-year-old boys on the other side know how to push the open button.

13:52 And um I don't know if you've ever been sat on the toilet when the door opens,

13:56 but um look, it's everything you dream it will be.

14:03 And a little bit more.

14:03 Now, the thing with those doors is they take quite a long time as you know.

14:09 So, I was desperately trying to find the close button,

14:11 eventually found the close button.

14:12 But the thing is, as they take quite a long time to open,

14:15 similarly take quite a long time to close.

14:17 So, I got to maintain eye

14:18 contact with an understandably horrified 12-year-old boy.

14:23 His face was being very slowly covered.

14:25 It was kind of like this.

14:28 And it finally shut.

14:29 I sat back down and went, OH MY GOD, I am NEVER WEARING A JUMPSUIT AGAIN.

14:36 [applause] UH YOU DON'T NEED TO BE ON THE ARMY THESE days to get a a gun.

14:42 If you're a young person, a lot of lot of gun crime on the streets.

14:46 A lot of lot of caps getting popped.

14:49 I don't I don't really know the solutions.

14:52 I just know the problems.

14:53 It used to be in the UK about 14 years old,

14:56 you could legally be in possession of an air rifle.

15:00 Well, which is not a proper gun, still sore, right?

15:03 But that get moved to 17 years old,

15:06 cuz you know, 17-year-olds, they're dead responsible.

15:11 If somebody was k k pointing a gun at you, you'd be going, that's fine.

15:15 He looks about 17.

15:17 It's good.

15:19 You know what sweet 16?

15:22 17 years old to be in possession of a firearm.

15:26 But you've got to be 18 before you can be in possession of fireworks.

15:33 17, you can shoot somebody dead,

15:35 but you've got to wait a year before you can frighten the shite out of a cat.

15:44 With drugs, like I get offered drugs quite a lot in this game.

15:48 You get offered the the usual suspects,

15:50 like ecstasy, speed, and a drug called horse tranquilizer.

16:00 You shouldn't yay or nay.

16:05 [applause] [applause]

16:10 I can understand people who don't know anything about drugs.

16:15 Maybe trying ecstasy because it sounds quite

16:17 good with the connotations of the name ecstasy.

16:21 You think of states of euphoria and happiness.

16:24 And then speed is pretty self-explanatory.

16:28 Then horse tranquilizer.

16:35 That halfway sounds the most sociable of evenings.

16:43 The fact they've replaced the original name with the effect it has on a horse.

16:49 I think actually every drug should be tested, give a lot of them to horses.

16:53 Then you can see what it actually does to you.

16:55 It would also make the Grand National pretty interesting.

17:00 20 quid on the one that's break dancing, please.

17:07 I was watching a program about children

17:08 from the opposite end of the social spectrum.

17:11 A program called My Super Sweet 16.

17:14 Has anybody seen this?

17:17 Don't get too excited.

17:18 It's quite shite.

17:24 [applause] I was watching about 2:00 in the morning when the TV's quite shite.

17:28 Anybody watch late night telly?

17:30 You ever been up that late at night when the TV just goes, get to bed.

17:36 There's nothing to see here.

17:39 Unless you're a deaf baseball fan with a gambling problem.

17:43 Beat her.

17:48 Has anybody watched these late night Channel 5 phone-in quiz shows?

17:53 Anybody seen the like Quizmania and the cash vault?

17:55 It's just robbing drunk people.

18:03 No, you come on at night with some guy going, okay, everybody.

18:08 Okay.

18:09 Thanks for watching, okay?

18:11 For 10,000 pounds, we're looking for a guy's name.

18:22 You come home steaming.

18:23 I know a guy's name.

18:33 10 grand.

18:34 I know a few guys' names.