The MOST Inappropriate Moments from Ted & Ted 2 | Big Screen Laughs

0:07 You right there.

0:08 Look at the Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are,

0:13 on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.

0:17 That's[ __] What about Lori?

0:18 She's hot.

0:18 No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.

0:20 She's not a Boston girl.

0:21 They're not that bad.

0:22 See, the fact that you have to say they're

0:23 not that bad means that they are that bad.

0:26 Did Did you hear a Boston girl have AN ORGASM?

0:28 OH, YEAH.

0:29 OH, YEAH.

0:30 HOTTER.

0:31 HOTTER.

0:32 OH GOD, THAT WAS SO GOOD.

0:34 NOW, I'M GOING TO stuff my[ __] face with Pepperidge Farm.

0:40 [cough] Jesus, this is weak.

0:42 It's not even getting me high.

0:43 I got to have a talk with my weed guy.

0:45 It's working for me.

0:46 I think it sucks.

0:47 I'm going to have a talk with him.

0:48 Yeah, I don't know that you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints.

0:50 No, this I know this guy a long time.

0:51 It's I've known him since 9/11.

0:53 You remember I was like, "Oh,[ __] 9/11.

0:55 I got to get high." Is it 9:30?

0:57 Yeah.

0:57 __] I got to get to work.

0:59 But, I don't know if I can drive.

1:01 It's okay, I'll drive you.

1:02 I feel fine.

1:25 __] Oh,[ __] Oh, man.

1:28 Oh, Johnny, I'm I'm sorry, man.

1:29 That That car just came out of nowhere.

1:31 Oh god, is it bad?

1:33 Oh, man.

1:35 John.

1:37 May I speak with you, please?

1:38 __] It's all right.

1:39 Go.

1:39 Go.

1:40 Go.

1:40 I'll I'll pull out of here.

1:41 Hi, Thomas.

1:41 How are you?

2:04 Oh.

2:05 Lori, hey, you're home early.

2:07 What the hell is this?

2:09 The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill.

2:11 Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister and it's it's just awful.

2:15 It's unwatchable, but, you know, they're hookers, so it's fine.

2:18 This place is a wreck.

2:19 Who are these girls?

2:21 Oh, where are my manners?

2:22 Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Shireen, and Sauvignon Blanc.

2:27 I love you girls.

2:28 You know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers

2:31 I wish I could thank for this great night.

2:33 What is that?

2:34 Wha- Wha- What is what?

2:36 There's a a[ __] on my floor.

2:40 In the corner, THERE IS A[ __] OH, YEAH.

2:44 YEAH, we were playing truth or dare and uh Shireen's pretty ballsy.

2:47 THERE IS A[ __] ON MY FLOOR.

2:48 [screaming] WELL, OR or is the floor on the[ __] Is what Kika GADZE WOULD SAY.

2:55 WHO LIVES HERE?

2:56 I'M COMING TO GET WHOEVER LIVES HERE.

2:58 YOU OWE ME LOBSTER MONEY.

3:00 THAT'S MY BUDDY, JOHNNY.

3:01 NOT THE LOBSTER, the guy running it.

3:03 I found my phone.

3:05 What's going on?

3:07 Is that a[ __] [music] [music] God, there are some[ __] up fish out there.

3:27 Oh, look look look at that one.

3:28 Waspy white guy fish.

3:29 I married the wrong woman and now I lead a life of regret.

3:34 Oh, look at this guy.

3:35 I went to New York once in 1981 and I just did not feel safe.

3:41 [sighs and gasps] Ted.

3:42 You got to move out.

3:44 You What?

3:46 It's It's got to happen.

3:49 Wha- What did I do?

3:53 My relationship is at a very delicate stage, you know.

3:57 Lori and I may just need a little space right now.

4:00 And plus a hooker took a[ __] in our apartment.

4:03 OH GOD.

4:03 OH, WHAT?

4:04 OH, THIS IS SO GROSS.

4:05 WELL, TELL ME.

4:06 I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

4:07 JUST OH MY GOD.

4:07 NO, I DIDN'T GET IT.

4:08 TELL ME WHEN YOU GET IT.

4:09 OH MY GOD.

4:10 I GOT [screaming] SOME ON MY THUMB.

4:13 NO.

4:12 NO, YES, I DID.

4:13 YOU CAN NEVER COOK WITH THAT HAND AGAIN.

4:14 YOU HAVE TO LEARN OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING EVER.

4:18 DON'T GET AWAY FROM ME.

4:19 LOOK, that was a tough night for all of us.

4:21 Ted.

4:23 You mean everything to me and so does Lori.

4:25 I mean, I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life.

4:30 She's making you do it, isn't she?

4:32 Yes.

4:33 I mean, but that doesn't mean we can't hang out and we'll hang out all the time.

4:36 Yeah, but what about Thunder Buddies for Life, Johnny?

4:39 I know.

4:40 I just don't know what to do here.

4:41 I mean, I know it sucks.

4:43 But otherwise, I'm going to lose her.

4:45 And I do love her, Ted.

4:47 I I know you do, Johnny.

4:49 But I'll help you get on your feet out there.

4:50 I promise.

4:52 I know.

4:52 And And we'll hang out all the time, right?

4:54 All the time.

4:55 All right,[ __] it.

4:56 Bring it in.

4:56 Come here.

4:57 Bring it in, you bastard.

4:58 Come on.

4:59 I love you.

5:00 Oh,[ __][ __] Sorry, that's the [music] the thing the thing coming

5:04 Yeah.

5:04 Yeah.

5:04 Yeah.

5:04 Yeah.

5:04 I know.

5:05 I know.

5:05 I'm I'm not gay.

5:06 I know.

5:07 And you're not gay, so we're fine.

5:10 We got to get you a job.

5:14 There we go.

5:16 [sighs] Thank you very much.

5:17 Please come again.

5:18 We have a lot more groceries.

5:25 Hey uh Hey, Ellen.

5:27 Yeah?

5:28 Who's that over there?

5:31 Oh, that's the new checkout girl.

5:32 Don't know her name.

5:33 Seems cute.

5:34 Yeah, very cute.

5:36 You know what I'd like to do to her?

5:37 Something I call a dirty fuzzy.

5:44 [music] [music]

6:12 Okay.

6:12 All right, so that's where we'll draw the line.

6:18 [music] We are going to party like the '80s.

6:23 Show us how, Flash.

6:24 It's easy.

6:25 We just got to nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

6:28 God, Johnny, I got so much energy.

6:30 We better start doing stupid[ __] [music] You and me,

6:33 we come from different worlds.

6:36 You like to laugh at me when I look at other girls.

6:40 Look, Johnny, if we're going to get serious about opening a restaurant,

6:42 we got to stop planning it now.

6:43 Italian.

6:44 Italian, yes.

6:44 What's the special on Tuesdays?

6:45 Eggplant parm.

6:46 Chopped salad, half price.

6:47 And it's a non-restricted place.

6:49 Yeah.

6:49 Wait, what do you mean?

6:49 Anybody can come.

6:50 Of course.

6:51 Jews are welcome.

6:52 Well, yeah.

6:52 I mean, why wouldn't they be?

6:53 Exactly.

6:53 That's what I'm saying.

6:54 Yeah, but why even bring that up?

6:55 You don't bring it up.

6:56 You just let them in.

6:56 So, why mention it?

6:57 No one will.

6:58 So, why are we talking about it?

6:59 You're talking about it.

6:59 I'm just saying let them in.

7:00 Yeah, let them in.

7:01 Exactly.

7:02 Right.

7:02 Good.

7:03 Mexicans, though.

7:03 Sometimes you're crazy And you want to This is how everybody sang in the '90s.

7:08 I'm such a baby cuz her girlfriends make me afraid.

7:12 Now, they're not real.

7:15 I've been looking for a girl like a year.

7:19 No, see, trust me.

7:20 I can do this.

7:21 Shut up.

7:21 Let him try, man.

7:22 All right,[ __] [music] it.

7:26 [cheering] [laughter] [screaming] Well, you never should have trusted me.

7:40 I'm on drugs.

7:41 Look at me.

7:42 You got nothing left to say.

7:45 I'm going to panic you here until I get back here.

7:49 Hey, Johnny.

7:50 I just HAD A GREAT IDEA.

7:51 LET'S GO GET DRUNK AND PUKE ON CARS FROM THE OVERPASS.

7:53 OH, COME ON.

7:54 I DO not sound that much like Peter Griffin.

7:56 I want a hands.

7:58 And you all say you do.

7:59 Any '90s song with just vowels.

8:01 I want a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a a A E

8:09 I O U If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.

8:14 You're going to do it?

8:15 I'm going to punch through it.

8:17 I'm saying do it.

8:17 DO IT.

8:18 I'M [screaming] SAYING DO YES.

8:23 HE DID IT.

8:24 WHAT THE HELL YOUR PROBLEM?

8:26 YOU BREAK IN MY WALL.

8:27 I BREAK IN YOUR WALL.

8:30 GIVE ME YOUR WALL.

8:32 COME ON.

8:33 BREAK YOUR ARM OFF.

8:35 WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE.

8:39 YOU BREAK UP MY WALL.

8:41 THIS MY HOME long time.

8:42 YOU BREAK UP MY WALL, YOU BASTARD MAN.

8:44 WE'RE SORRY.

8:44 IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, OKAY?

8:45 I try to make duck dinner.

8:46 Now plaster everywhere.

8:48 Oh, chill out, okay?

8:48 Look, can we just talk about this?

8:49 What's your name?

8:50 I'm John.

8:50 My name a Juan Ming.

8:52 Ming?

8:53 You pay me MANY DOLLAR FOR WALL.

8:55 This[ __] THIS ALL[ __] DEATH TO MING.

9:01 [screaming] [music] [music] [screaming] COME ON, COME ON.

9:27 LET HIM GO.

9:33 YOU'RE CRAZY.

9:33 YOU'RE CRAZY, MAN.

9:35 COME ON, JAMES FRANCO.

9:39 You break my wall.

9:42 Move, sucker.

9:51 Okay, you ready?

9:52 Oh,[ __] Yeah.

9:52 Yeah.

9:52 Yeah.

9:52 Here it comes.

9:53 Okay.

9:53 Okay, I'm ready.

9:54 Bum bum.

9:55 Let's all go to [music] court.

9:58 Bum bum.

9:59 Let's go make some law now.

10:02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, [music] some law.

10:06 I say we go to court.

10:07 Yes, let's go to court.

10:08 We're a bunch of[ __] who take up a whole hallway with our conversation.

10:13 Hey you lawyer guys,

10:16 you [singing] don't know me and Johnny are watching you while we're high.

10:23 That was[ __] magic.

10:25 smooth.

10:25 That felt really smooth.

10:27 So in the pocket.

10:28 Hey, so uh listen, I got uh I got some big news to tell you.

10:32 Oh yeah, what's that?

10:33 Tammy-Lynn and I are going to have a baby.

10:38 Holy[ __] you?

10:40 Yeah, yeah, we talked about it today.

10:42 Dude, THAT'S[ __] AWESOME.

10:43 CONGRATULATIONS.

10:43 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, how how how how do you guys Well, yeah, that's the thing.

10:47 We we uh we got to find a sperm donor and um I'm

10:51 wondering what do you think Sam Jones would say if I asked him?

10:55 You want Flash Gordon to father your child?

10:57 Yeah, I mean, do you think would that be weird?

10:59 Like would he be freaked out if I No, I think he'd be flattered.

11:01 Plus, your baby would be a[ __] superhero.

11:04 Well, that was the logic I arrived at as well.

11:06 Yeah, I say do it.

11:07 All right, great.

11:08 Well, I'll shoot him an email right now and see if I can stop by tonight.

11:10 You come with me?

11:11 Sure.

11:11 All right, great.

11:15 __] I can never get a signal in your apartment.

11:18 Hey, can I use your laptop?

11:19 Yeah, go ahead.

11:20 Okay, thanks.

11:25 WHAT THE[ __] HOLY[ __] DUDE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

11:28 WHAT HAPPENED?

11:29 WHAT'S GOING ON?

11:30 THERE'S SO MUCH PORN.

11:32 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LOOKING AT MY PRIVATE[

11:33 __] WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PRIVATE[ __] JOHNNY?

11:35 IT WAS WIDE OPEN.

11:36 THERE WERE LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF FILES HERE.

11:38 WELL, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO CLEAR SOME of that out.

11:40 Jesus Christ, look at THE ORGANIZATION HERE.

11:42 CLOCKWISE RIM JOB, COUNTERCLOCKWISE RIM JOB.

11:45 YEAH, WELL, SOMETIMES YOU LIKE seeing the tongue go the other way.

11:47 YOU SICK BASTARD, LOOK at this.

11:49 Chicks with dicks.

11:50 Oh my god.

11:51 OH MY GOD, I HAVE A DISEASE, ALL RIGHT?

11:53 I NEED HELP.

11:54 THERE ARE NO CHICKS WITH DICKS, JOHNNY.

11:55 ONLY GUYS WITH TITS.

11:56 WELL, THIS IS SUCH A RELIEF.

11:57 YOU DON'T HAVE TO I'M GLAD I'M FINALLY CAUGHT.

11:58 I I I WANTED TO BE CAUGHT.

12:00 JOHNNY, NOW YOU LISTEN to me.

12:01 This is a wake-up call, all right?

12:03 You got to get back out there and meet

12:04 somebody because you are spiraling out OF CONTROL HERE.

12:06 ALL RIGHT, FINE, I WILL.

12:07 JUST STOP LOOKING AT THAT[ __] PLEASE.

12:09 JOHNNY, I MEAN IT, ALL RIGHT?

12:10 The next chick you meet, you are getting back in the game.

12:12 Fine, I got it.

12:13 Done.

12:13 All right.

12:14 Now, let's get rid of this.

12:15 What what do you mean?

12:16 We just delete the files?

12:17 No, no, no, that[ __] can always be recovered.

12:18 We got to smash your laptop WITH A HAMMER.

12:27 ALL RIGHT, THERE YOU HAPPY?

12:28 NO, THE CIRCUITS COULD STILL BE reconstructed if somebody worked at it.

12:30 We got to bury it in the harbor.

12:49 Oh, no way.

12:52 Oh, hey doc, is this is this where you guys store all the uh stuff?

12:56 It's the intermediary station before insemination.

12:59 Are are you submitting Oh, no, no,

13:01 my friend is uh yanking out a sample in one of the rooms.

13:03 Oh, well, that's a good friend.

13:05 Yeah.

13:05 I'm Dr.

13:06 Danzer.

13:07 Oh, cool.

13:08 Oh, Mr.

13:09 Dr.

13:09 Danzer.

13:11 Yeah, whatever.

13:12 I don't know.

13:12 Wait, now, wait, you look familiar.

13:14 Are you that teddy bear who came alive?

13:16 I am, that's me, yeah.

13:17 See, I was trying to figure out where I'd seen you before and and that's it.

13:20 That's good eye, good eye.

13:21 So, what how'd you get into this line of work?

13:23 Do you do you just love[ __] Uh uh not especially,

13:27 but I love helping good people fulfill their dreams of having children.

13:30 It's amazing what we can do here.

13:32 You want to You want to have a look?

13:34 Yeah, sure.

13:37 This is where we perform our preimplantation genetic diagnosis.

13:41 We can eliminate hereditary diseases such as cystic fibrosis,

13:44 muscular dystrophy, sickle cell anemia.

13:46 The list goes on and on, really.

13:48 Wow.

13:49 Hey, Johnny, you did it.

13:51 Right here, buddy.

13:52 Ew.

13:52 I I mean, awesome.

13:54 Excuse me, doctor, your wife's on the phone.

13:56 She said it's an emergency.

13:57 Excuse me, I'll be right back.

14:01 You want to see it?

14:02 Huh?

14:02 You want to see your kid?

14:03 I can see it from here, thanks, yeah.

14:05 Dude, take a closer look, it's your No, no, no, no, come on.

14:07 No, come on, you got to take a closer look.

14:08 close enough, Johnny.

14:09 Come on.

14:09 I'll trade you.

14:10 Catch.

14:10 What the OH,[ __] OH, GOD.

14:12 __] DUDE, that's somebody's kid.

14:14 Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod.

14:15 You were supposed to catch it.

14:17 to find something to scoop it up.

14:17 There's containers over there.

14:18 Get scoop it up with that.

14:20 All right.

14:21 All right, that's not going to work.

14:22 You need two of them.

14:22 You got to scoop one INTO THE OTHER.

14:24 [snorts] [screaming] OH MY GOD.

14:30 OH MY GOD.

14:31 JESUS.

14:32 I'M LICKING IT IN.

14:35 [laughter] OH MY GOD, IT'S IN MY[ __] MOUTH.

14:36 OH, WAIT, WAIT, HANG ON.

14:37 I GOT TO POST THIS ON FACEBOOK.

14:38 NO.

14:39 [screaming] #GERMONDAYS OH MY GOD.

14:43 [screaming] LOOK, I'M SO SORRY.

14:44 I'M SO SORRY.

14:46 WE'RE SO SORRY.

14:47 WELL, I I guess it's all right.

14:49 Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

14:51 Ha, you hear that, Johnny?

14:52 You're covered in rejected black guy sperm.

14:54 You look like a cat Asian.

14:57 __] Hello?

15:01 Oh,[ __] Hi.

15:05 You okay?

15:06 Yeah, I'm fine.

15:08 You must be Ted.

15:09 Yeah, uh I'm Ted, this is my buddy John.

15:12 Hi.

15:12 Uh my uncle says that you guys are my first clients.

15:16 Uh what it's been discussed, but um do you mind if I ask how old you are?

15:21 I'm 26.

15:23 Uh What is there a problem?

15:25 Well, you know, I just don't want

15:26 my lawyer singing Frozen songs during the opening arguments.

15:29 Yeah, it's just this is a really important case.

15:31 I mean, Ted has already lost his job, his marriage has been annulled.

15:33 I know, my uncle my uncle gave me all the details.

15:35 Right, but see, the thing is, you know,

15:36 we don't want to take any chances because the stakes are so significant.

15:39 Yeah, we we can't just rush into anything.

15:41 We got to make sure we're making the right decisions.

15:42 Yeah, we really appreciate your time,

15:43 but I think what we're probably going to do is just take a seat and get to work.

15:46 Trust you completely.

15:47 Yeah, we really feel like you got a lot to offer.

15:52 Sorry, you don't mind the pot, you?

15:54 I get migraines.

15:54 Oh, absolutely, me too.

15:56 Yeah, I'm going to get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes.

15:59 Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

16:01 Ted, how are you?

16:02 Good to meet you.

16:03 John.

16:03 Nice meeting you.

16:04 Wait, wait, wait.

16:04 What's your middle name?

16:06 Leslie.

16:07 Oh my god.

16:08 [laughter] So, you're Sam L.

16:09 Jackson.

16:10 That's[ __] great, just like Sam L.

16:11 Jackson.

16:12 Who is that?

16:13 You ever seen any movie ever?

16:15 He's the black guy.

16:19 How weedy is really good.

16:21 [gasps]

16:20 Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called Here Comes Autism.

16:23 Yeah, I was just going to say it's sort of like

16:25 this other batch we had called How Long Has That Van Been There?

16:28 No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called Help Me Get Home.

16:31 You know, I'm surprised a lawyer like you gets high.

16:33 I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting

16:34 the war on drugs and all that[ __] Please,

16:36 the war on drugs is a joke.

16:38 It's just a way for the government to inflate law

16:40 enforcement budgets and lock up minorities for no good legal reason.

16:43 And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority.

16:46 Yeah, no[ __] They denied you the same

16:49 rights as everybody else just because you're different.

16:51 And I say that's a violation of the Constitution.

16:54 Oh, so what do you say?

16:55 Can you get me my life back?

17:00 I'm going to try.

17:01 Hey guys, [panting] I'm having some trouble over here.

17:05 What's the matter?

17:07 Can you help me get home?

17:10 [gasps] This is perfect.

17:11 We're going to get to the city before 10.

17:12 Hey Sam, how's your boring salad?

17:14 Oh, it's actually delicious.

17:16 Everybody always says that about the salad.

17:18 They're all a bunch of[ __] liars.

17:19 No, I love it.

17:20 It's really good.

17:21 Have some Cookie Crisp.

17:22 You need something nutritional.

17:23 Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp?

17:25 Cuz you've been staring at it and you All right.

17:27 Hey, what's the deal here?

17:27 You You guys ever going to make out or what?

17:30 Teddy, come on, dude.

17:31 No, I'm just I'm just saying you look like you're hitting it off, you know?

17:34 I mean, Sam Sam, you you dig him, right?

17:38 Hey, where the hell's my coffee?

17:40 I've been waiting for 10 minutes.

17:41 I'm so sorry, sir, I forgot.

17:42 I'll get it right away.

17:43 Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets.

17:45 Figure it out.

17:46 What a prick.

17:48 Hey, 20 bucks I can toss a Cookie Crisp into his ass crack.

17:51 Wait, let me drive.

17:52 I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State.

17:54 Yeah, was your mascot a broken condom?

17:56 Shut up.

17:58 OH.

17:59 OH,[ __] OH MY GOD.

18:00 WHO DID THAT?

18:02 OH, Jesus [snorts] Christ, you got to be kidding me.

18:05 Ted, we're[ __] Look what you did.

18:06 I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL KICK YOUR GODDAMN ASS.

18:09 WHO WAS IT?

18:09 Uh sir, I apologize for my 5-year-old son.

18:12 I'm sorry, sorry, sir.

18:15 Cookie Crisp in your bum-bum, see?

18:16 So, I'm sorry.

18:18 Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay.

18:21 Oh my god, now we're even bigger[ __] Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass.

18:25 You guys making trouble over here?

18:27 Uh no, ma'am, we're just minding our business.

18:28 Let's try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah?

18:31 Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

18:33 Oh.

18:34 Good.

18:36 I will just get the check, thanks.

18:37 Of course.

18:41 Oh my god, John, did you see that?

18:43 She was totally giving you the[ __] me eyes.

18:45 No, she wasn't.

18:46 She was giving you the[ __] me eyes.

18:47 What are the[ __] me eyes?

18:49 Yeah, it's some women just have[ __] me eyes.

18:51 Do I have[ __] me eyes?

18:53 No, you have give us the ring, my precious eyes.

18:55 Oh, we better get going.

18:57 I got 2 hours of driving left and I'm kind of beat.

18:59 Yeah, we got to be well rested for tomorrow.

19:00 Well, I'll drive.

19:01 You You can take a nap.

19:02 You don't have a license.

19:03 Who cares?

19:04 Johnny lets me drive every once in a while when he's too hammered.

19:06 I'm a[ __] pro.

19:08 Besides, you know, I've been I've been kicked around a lot this week.

19:11 I I just I want to feel useful, you know?

19:14 20 minutes behind the wheel.

19:16 Yay.