Guy Doesn't Think Trump Went to the Island w/Geoffrey Asmus

0:00 Said, "What do you think?

0:00 You think Donald Trump went to the island,

0:02 Epstein's Island?" No, I don't THINK YOU DON'T THINK SO?

0:08 He did it on home court at Mar-a-Lago.

0:09 Yeah, yeah.

0:12 [laughter] What do you think?

0:13 He was with his wife.

0:14 There was an island He did Well, he did.

0:18 He did go there with Melania.

0:19 That's how he met Melania.

0:20 She was a sex slave.

0:21 Yeah.

0:22 [laughter] Have you guys seen that?

0:22 That's how he met her.

0:23 She was a traffic sex slave.

0:24 It's crazy.

0:25 Okay.

0:26 He's too deep.

0:26 We can't get too deep.

0:27 We can't get too deep.

0:28 They'll be like Is there like a sniper thing on my head right now?

0:31 I just want you to know I don't want to commit suicide.

0:33 I'm a happy guy.

0:36 [laughter] I don't know.

0:37 Obviously, Trump went to the island.

0:39 He raped dozens of underage women.

0:40 But uh Bill Clinton did, too.

0:41 Bill Clinton You guys say what it is.

0:42 That's what they did.

0:43 Bill Clinton, Donald Trump raped dozens of underage women.

0:46 Oba- I don't think Obama did.

0:48 Obama had rizz.

0:49 He didn't have to rape.

0:50 UH

0:54 [laughter]

0:54 THEY MAY HAVE BEEN UNDERAGE, BUT THEY WANTED IT.

0:58 [laughter] They're like, "Oh, you're the drone strike king?" Oh, okay.

1:03 Is that a Y?

1:03 Did you go to Yale or is that BYU?

1:05 That's BYU.

1:06 What did you get a degree in at BYU?

1:07 Are you a Mormon?

1:09 Yeah.

1:09 Still?

1:11 LET'S GO!

1:13 THE WHITE SALAMANDER got his hooks in you.

1:16 I like that.

1:18 Wait, you're pointing at your drink.

1:19 Is that alcohol?

1:20 So, you break it a little bit.

1:21 Oh my god.

1:23 Did you Are you fully not Mormon or you

1:24 just break the rules every once in a while?

1:27 Damn, if you're going to do it, go all the way.

1:29 So, you're going to go to loser and you're still going to Mormon hell?

1:36 [laughter] __] or get off the pot, brother.

1:37 Come on.

1:38 Where did you go on your mission trip?

1:40 Japan.

1:41 Japan.

1:41 You never go after the whites cuz we're too smart to see through the hullabaloo.

1:46 The crowd again.

1:47 What the hell?

1:50 [laughter] What the hell?

1:51 You went to Japan.

1:52 You get have any success?

1:54 You converted one person in a year.

1:56 You do it for a year, right?

1:58 Two years.

1:59 One guy.

2:01 That's all you got?

2:02 Were you just bad or the Japanese not into it?

2:05 They're atheists.

2:06 Yeah, they're they're a godless country, lost in a war.

2:09 Uh, connection?

2:13 You only converted one?

2:14 That's so such an intimate thing.

2:16 One man.

2:17 Was a man or a woman?

2:21 It was a dude.

2:22 How And do you still keep in contact with this Mormon Japanese guy?

2:25 He's got to feel pretty lonely.

2:27 He's like, "I'm the only one that fell for it." The only one.

2:33 You're out there every day on the streets doing it.

2:35 You got one.

2:36 Were you in Tokyo?

2:37 Yes.

2:38 28 million people.

2:42 [laughter] More people than all of Canada combined and you got one.

2:45 God damn, Joseph will have a a a beating in store for you when it's all over.

2:52 Oh, I love being a little high, having a little fun, man.

2:55 What's your name, brother?

2:57 Kevin.

2:58 Kevin, you ever do psychedelic drugs, Kevin?

3:02 You have?

3:03 Two years ago.

3:04 Two years ago.

3:05 So, you're How old are you, Kev?

3:07 Uh, 55.

3:08 55 and you're finally realizing, "We can have fun." What What did you do?

3:13 Psychedelic mushrooms?

3:14 Mushrooms.

3:15 And you still are a Mormon?

3:18 You saw a little you a little doubt crept into your heart, though.

3:22 I feel it.

3:23 I see the clouds of doubt coming over your eyes.

3:26 But, me and you will do mushrooms and you'll get out of that[ __] thing.

3:30 I'll You You ruined someone's life in Japan.

3:32 I'll save your life in Alberta.

3:36 An eye for an eye.

3:37 I don't know if the Mormons have that in their little book,

3:39 but we got that in ours.

3:41 Kevin, are you a married man, Kev?

3:42 Yes.

3:43 You are married.

3:43 How long have you been married, Kev?

3:45 Uh, almost 34 Almost 30.

3:47 Is she Mormon?

3:49 She is.

3:49 Does she have the doubts you have, Kevin?

3:52 Does she know you're sneaking a little gin and tonic tonight?

3:56 She's going to come home, she's like, "Kevin,

3:58 you have the devil's death breath upon you." [laughter]

4:01 Is she going to get mad, Kevin,

4:02 or she knows you're you just you just can't be tamed.

4:07 She drinks more than you do.

4:08 Is there tension there, Kevin?

4:12 Kevin, we're late in the show, but come on, throw me a softball.

4:17 She drinks more than you, Kev.

4:22 This guy finally spoke for the first time all show.

4:25 He's wearing a brightly covered Star Wars shirt with an AT-AT on it.

4:31 [laughter] Yeah, if I needed your opinion,

4:32 I would have brought up in the virginity portion.

4:35 UH ALBERTA!

4:41 [cheering] WHAT A DREAM come true, baby, to get to Alberta.

4:43 This is what I've always wanted to do.

4:44 No, I have.

4:45 I've been thinking about this my whole life.

4:46 No.

4:47 No, it's been fun going around Alberta the last few days.

4:49 I was I was sent here by the US government

4:51 actually to tour Alberta to see if we wanted or not.

4:54 And uh we're going to reject the offer.

4:57 We'll pass.

4:57 Thanks for the offer, but uh one Texas is enough.

5:00 Uh we don't [laughter] need We don't need dumber Canadian Texas.

5:05 We don't need that.

5:08 [laughter] This is like the right-wing part of Canada.

5:09 That's fun.

5:10 But the thing is like right-wing Canadians

5:12 are still more progressive than most Americans.

5:15 Do you know that, right?

5:16 Like a right-wing Canadian's like, "Even[ __] deserve free health care."

5:21 [laughter]

5:23 That's crazy.

5:23 People want to join People in Alberta want to join America now?

5:28 At the end of the movie.

5:29 You want to join at the end of the[ __] movie.

5:32 You want to watch the credits roll?

5:33 What are you doing?

5:34 Why you want to join America now is like if

5:36 you were on that Titanic and got off on a rowboat,

5:38 but you're like, "We got to go back.

5:40 We can't miss the band." [laughter]

5:44 Listen, they're playing Sugar, We're Going Down.

5:47 [laughter]

5:49 I just thought about that.

5:50 That's great.

5:50 That's a good one.

5:51 Couple other local jokes.

5:53 Oh, yeah.

5:54 This is what I do when I go to a city,

5:56 I go on Wikipedia for like 15 minutes and learn about it.

6:00 So, I I know more about this dismal

6:01 featureless plain city than most of you guys do.

6:06 I hear about what you in Saskatoon do to the natives.

6:08 Your cops drive them out.

6:10 I read all about this[ __] Let me just say I like what you done.

6:17 [laughter] The crowd's like, "Where does he stand?" You'll never know.

6:20 What do you do?

6:21 I'm a fine woodworker.

6:23 A woodworker?

6:24 Fine woodworker, does that mean you just

6:26 don't believe in yourself or it's really good?

6:29 [laughter]

6:30 COME ON!

6:33 I WAS I TOOK THE UBER FROM THE AIRPORT YESTERDAY.

6:35 The Uber driver was complaining about like the state of Canada or whatever.

6:39 It's so cute when you guys complain.

6:41 You don't know how good you[ __] have it.

6:44 Oh, I had to wait too long in line for my free dental appointment.

6:47 Oh, no.

6:48 JUSTIN TRUDEAU'S DATING KATY PERRY.

6:49 OUR COUNTRY'S falling apart.

6:52 Yeah, well, in America, we just invaded Iran cuz the president of Israel

6:56 has videos of our president pissing on teenagers.

6:59 So, uh [laughter] [cheering]

7:04 Uh But, oh no, the liberals in Canada made hockey gay.

7:12 [laughter]

7:15 And uh I read a book every I used to ride the subway every day in New York.

7:17 I'm always reading a book on the train.

7:19 I'm reading this great book now, but unfortunately,

7:21 it has a swastika on the cover.

7:24 Ooh.

7:31 [laughter]

7:30 What is happening?

7:32 What did he say?

7:32 Don't give it meaning?

7:34 What did that mean?

7:37 Don't give the swastika meaning?

7:39 It's peace and serenity.

7:42 Wow.

7:44 Damn.

7:45 I didn't think the stories about Alberta were true.

7:48 Damn.

7:49 This is that place and I LIKE IT.

7:53 FINALLY, SOMEONE'S SPEAKING TRUTH to power.

7:56 The Nazis have had it too hard for too long in this world.

8:01 It means peace and serenity, God.

8:02 Can we Can we talk to them or do something?

8:07 [laughter] That's crazy.

8:08 Wow.

8:08 You don't get to hear that[ __] in the wild too often, Elliot.

8:11 That's kind of fun.

8:12 You know I'm always like, maybe it's not real.

8:13 The media's obviously exaggerating and then they unfortunately like my comedy.

8:18 And so I have to lean into it.

8:19 It does mean peace and serenity and it's too

8:21 bad what the liberals have done with the image.

8:26 [laughter] Victoria, what Are you and Adam married, Victoria?

8:29 You're engaged.

8:30 LET'S GO.

8:32 ADAM, you look like you've never had the courage to do anything.

8:35 I'm glad you did it.

8:38 [laughter] I love that, Adam.

8:38 How'd you propose, Adam?

8:39 Dungeons and Dragons tournament or what was it?

8:45 Where?

8:45 In Portugal?

8:47 You got a little money, Adam.

8:48 Okay.

8:49 You don't try to dress like that cuz you're a dweeb.

8:51 You also have money to back it up.

8:55 [laughter] Adam, what uh What What was your job again?

8:57 You didn't say, did you?

8:59 I I I investigate child abuse.

9:02 You investigate CHILD ABUSE?

9:04 I DIDN'T DO [screaming] IT.

9:07 [laughter] I SWEAR I WAS AT THE LATE SHOW IN CALGARY.

9:13 Come on, that was funny.

9:15 That's a pretty sad job, Adam.

9:17 I actually I'm going to choose to not talk about that.

9:21 Uh That's a decision I make, Brian, tonight.

9:23 Yeah.

9:24 What about What do you, Brian?

9:25 Let's go back to you.

9:26 No, I'm kidding.

9:28 I Yeah, I know.

9:29 I'm kidding.

9:29 I'm I was going to do the same thing again, Adam.

9:33 What do you What's your [laughter] job?

9:38 What did say?

9:39 Fine woodwork.

9:40 No, I think you said it different.

9:43 No, no, no.

9:44 Remember the the script.

9:45 Read the script.

9:46 What did you have What's your job?

9:48 Fine woodwork.

9:49 What do you just don't believe in yourself or it's not very good?

9:52 [laughter] It's like the show is good but he kept

9:54 doing the fine woodwork rap over and over again.

9:57 So strange.

9:58 So Adam, you investigate child abuse.

10:00 Is that as fun as it sounds, Adam?

10:03 It sounds absolutely But you get a did you get a lot of evil criminals?

10:07 You get a lot of people?

10:08 What's How do I make this funny?

10:13 What's the profession that keeps popping

10:15 up that is that is Construction workers.

10:19 Interesting.

10:20 Okay.

10:22 Wow.

10:23 A lot of no jobs.

10:25 Oh my god.

10:26 Well, not what I wanted.

10:32 [laughter] No, unfortunately I more details into the investigating

10:35 child abuse made it less funny.

10:38 I didn't expect that one, Brian.

10:40 I thought it might get funnier if we kept talking about it.

10:43 Unfortunately in this one I'm in a little bit of a hole.

10:48 But I'll get out of it, Brian.

10:49 I've gotten through out of out of all the holes so far, haven't I?

10:51 I've risen like a phoenix every time.

10:53 Every time they doubted me, Brian, I rose like a phoenix.

10:57 I thought Alberta was the Christian province.

10:59 I guess not.

11:00 I guess not.

11:01 That's crazy to be conservative and not believe in God.

11:04 Isn't that the entire point is that you're

11:06 a bad person and then you go to heaven?

11:08 You guys are just like, "No, I just want to be racist.

11:10 I don't actually care about the salvation part.

11:14 I just hate trans people.

11:16 I don't I'm just in it for the love of the game.

11:18 What?

11:19 Adam, you smoke weed?

11:21 You got to smoke weed.

11:22 What's the craziest thing you've ever done while high, Adam?

11:24 You ever done something you regret?

11:26 Cuz people say weed doesn't have consequences.

11:27 It does.

11:28 Probably like hooking up a couch to the back of a Hooking up

11:32 a couch to the back of the truck and did it fall off?

11:35 No, you like drive it around in the mud and it's like two of you.

11:38 Oh.

11:39 Damn, Alberta really is dumb Texas.

11:43 [laughter]

11:45 Yeah, you never did that back in the states?

11:49 [laughter]

11:48 I guess you guys don't have health care to get you if you get injured, so.

11:54 [laughter] Yeah, in Canada we tow a couch behind a truck.

11:59 [laughter] And that's a high activity.

12:00 That seems like a meth activity.

12:04 [laughter] That's a high activity?

12:04 You just dragged a couch behind a car?

12:06 Is this a normal thing?

12:08 No, okay.

12:09 No, no.

12:10 You're just Adam, really.

12:12 You're kind of a badass, but you dress like the biggest[ __][ __] on the planet.

12:16 And I love it.

12:17 Inside of you are two wolves, Adam.

12:19 I like

12:21 [laughter] Elliot, what's your favorite era of history if

12:24 you could live in another era of history, what would you live in?

12:30 The 2000s?

12:34 [laughter]

12:36 We go through the Herculean effort to build a time machine and Elliot's like,

12:41 "2004, please." The Carter 2 was really good.

12:49 [laughter] Remember Nickelback before they sold out?

12:51 Remember that?

12:55 What do you like the early 2000s?

12:56 What do you think about the 2000s, Elliot?

12:57 Why do you like the 2000s?

13:01 That's like as far as I know.

13:02 That's as far as you know?

13:04 I like that, Elliot.

13:05 Not a lot going on between the ears.

13:07 I like that, Elliot.

13:09 I've only really looked back to the 2000s, but

13:13 [laughter]

13:12 9/11's new to me.

13:13 A bad thing.

13:14 I hope Hope it's the worst thing that ever happened.

13:19 [laughter] That was a great riff.

13:20 How did that not do better?

13:21 What are you guys saying?

13:22 The company I work for the company I work for.

13:24 The company you work for?

13:25 What company you work for?

13:26 What?

13:27 No, just do it.

13:28 It can't be bad.

13:29 We just maintain planes.

13:31 You maintain Boeing?

13:32 No.

13:33 Alfree Harris?

13:35 Was that a company?

13:36 I don't know.

13:36 National defense.

13:37 Oh, you work for the national defense?

13:39 Good for you.

13:40 Yeah, I'm sure they'll work.

13:41 I'm sure your four soldiers in Canada will protect you.

13:45 [cheering]

13:45 Yeah, I'm You guys last what, an hour against our military?

13:47 Why even have one?

13:48 I don't even know why you do it.

13:50 It's completely pointless.

13:52 It I literally mean that.

13:53 Why would you honestly do it?

13:55 There's no reason.

13:57 Just something to think about.

13:59 UH I HEARD YOU GUYS JUST just got a plane without a propeller on it.

14:05 [laughter] Who's your favorite sports team?

14:07 I love sports history, Brian.

14:10 Maple Flames fan?

14:12 What did you say?

14:13 Maple Leaves.

14:14 Ooh.

14:15 Ooh.

14:16 Brian, you are a pretty sympathetic figure and now you've lost the crowd.

14:21 __] idiot.

14:22 You always say the hometown team.

14:23 God, that's why you're down there and I'm up here.

14:26 You got to know how to pander, Brian.

14:29 I've said a couple positive things today about Calgary.

14:31 I didn't mean any of them.

14:34 [laughter] This is a place devoid of joy and I don't know why it exists.

14:37 Is this where you live when you're not in Banff, I guess, or what?

14:40 Is that kind of what this is?

14:41 Like a stopping off point to the good part or like I mean,

14:45 cuz that's crazy It's crazy to live 2 hours from Banff.

14:47 Just live in Banff.

14:49 An hour?

14:50 You're so close.

14:52 You just look at it every day like, "God, one day." [laughter]

14:57 One day I'll live in those snowy peaks,

14:59 but for now, the featureless dry river town.

15:04 I like that we didn't have clean water for 2 months last year.

15:08 Yeah, I read the entire Wikipedia page.

15:12 All the way from the native part to the no water part.

15:17 I know everything you[ __] did.

15:19 What did you say, Brian?

15:21 You didn't you not have water for a long

15:23 time cuz like it wasn't cuz of the environment,

15:25 cuz like a pipe burst or something?

15:28 You don't have water right now again?

15:29 It It went away again?

15:33 There's restrictions.

15:33 Why?

15:34 Is it because of the environment or is it like infrastructure?

15:38 Man, you have a bad pipe.

15:41 You have worse infrastructure than South Sudan.

15:44 You don't have a pipe?

15:45 It's the easiest thing.

15:47 The ancient Romans had aqueducts that work than you guys.

15:51 Calgary's like, "We'll get that one day." [laughter]

15:55 The Romans were Italian, they're really smart.

15:59 [laughter] You're dumber than a country of Italians, imagine that.

16:07 [laughter] What about you, brother?

16:08 Where'd you go to uni?

16:11 University of Saskatchewan.

16:12 Is that in Saskatoon or Regina?

16:14 Saskatoon, okay.

16:16 That's the city where like the cops like drive

16:18 the natives out and let them freeze to death.

16:22 Yeah, I read all about your little country.

16:26 Canada like stuck, "Oh, we're so innocent.

16:28 America's the evil one." Where are the first nations then?

16:32 If you're so nice, where are they?

16:34 Are you first nation right there?

16:36 Get him out.

16:39 [laughter] RIGHT OF CONQUEST, WE WON.

16:43 [screaming] ISN'T IT ALWAYS CRAZY WHEN PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

16:46 "WHY DO the natives drink so much?

16:48 They're all alcoholics." Uh cuz we destroyed

16:51 their entire way of life to make a Chili's.

16:56 [laughter]

16:55 Course they[ __] drink.

16:57 I drink cuz me and my mom don't get along that well.

17:01 [laughter]

17:01 They lost their way of living.

17:02 Of course they're drunks.

17:03 That's tragic.

17:05 Oh, sorry.

17:05 I said something real and good.

17:07 Uh you know what, Kev?

17:09 I know do this.

17:09 I brought a Bible cuz I old joke I wanted to bring back, Kevin.

17:12 Is the Book of Mormon Do you read the Bible, too?

17:15 I think the the of Mormon's like an addendum cuz you guys think Jesus[ __]

17:18 up cuz you're a a little haughty and you don't understand your place in society.

17:22 Uh God, what a great riff.

17:25 I'm on fire tonight.

17:26 I really Did anyone have to read the Bible as a kid?

17:30 You had to read the Bible?

17:31 What What about you raise your hand, brother?

17:33 What Who Did you have a favorite character?

17:35 Person, they're real.

17:37 Do you have a favorite person in the Bible?

17:40 Jonah?

17:41 The the whale guy?

17:42 You're like, "Man, this is the[ __] smells this bad." [laughter]

17:48 HE'S INSIDE A DAMN WHALE.

17:52 THAT WAS AMAZING.

17:53 __] YOU.

17:54 You're not going to hear a Jonah the Prophet riff at a Bert Kreischer show.

17:57 I'll tell you that much.

18:00 He's not going to take his shirt off like, "Muhammad once said [laughter]

18:03 What do you like about World War II, Jackson?" Uh the battles.

18:07 Oh god.

18:09 [laughter] Man, I just have a team of intellectuals here tonight.

18:13 I haven't looked back further than the 20 2000s

18:16 and uh I like the battles of World War II.

18:19 Other guys like the time between the battles.

18:21 I like the battles.

18:23 What's your favorite battle, Jackson?

18:26 The Battle of El Alamein.

18:27 Battle of El Alamein in North Africa, Jackson.

18:30 You got daddy a little hard.

18:34 [laughter] I like that, Jackson.

18:35 What do you like about El Alamein?

18:36 We defeated George Rommel Erwin Rommel, didn't we?

18:39 Yeah, it was in the desert.

18:41 Okay, Jackson.

18:43 Yeah, okay.

18:44 Keep going.

18:45 Keep going.

18:47 You talk for 5 more seconds while some Catholics dribble in all these jeans.

18:52 [laughter] Elliot, you're here with your mom.

18:54 Whose idea was this show, mom or son?

18:56 Mine.

18:56 Let's go.

18:57 Mom, did you have any idea what to expect?

18:59 None.

19:00 None.

19:00 Incredible.

19:01 And now you're like, "Elliot, this is what you like?" This is what you like.

19:06 What's your favorite thing about your son, Elliot, ma'am?

19:08 I usually don't allow women to talk at the show and going to make an exception.

19:13 [laughter] What's your What What's your favorite thing about your son?

19:19 He's an amazing big brother, Elliot.

19:22 Good for you.

19:24 Come on, Elliot.

19:25 Oh my gosh.

19:27 No, Elliot.

19:28 See, it's it's it's addictive, isn't it?

19:31 It's a good It's a rush, isn't it?

19:33 You see what I feel every night.

19:35 You see why I get little delusions of grandeur every way I feel.

19:38 You felt that.

19:39 You felt that.

19:40 That was probably the best feeling of your short[ __] life.

19:44 You know you Now you know the carpet I'm riding on every day, Elliot.