1 Hour of 'The Big Bang Theory' to Watch While You Procrastinate

0:00 Okay, scratch paper, check.

0:03 Whiteboard, check.

0:04 Chex Mix, check.

0:07 And here we go.

0:12 Dang it.

0:15 Hello mother.

0:17 Hi there Shelly, you will never believe who I ran into at the barbecue festival.

0:21 I am right in the middle of some very important work.

0:24 I don't have time for this right now.

0:26 Then why did you answer the phone?

0:29 Because you raised me to be polite.

0:30 Now stop bothering me.

0:53 [laughter]

1:02 Hello again.

1:05 [laughter]

1:04 Who did you see at the barbecue festival?

1:07 Mr.

1:08 Watkins.

1:09 Really?

1:10 You called me and interrupted my work to tell me

1:12 that you ran into somebody you could plausibly run into?

1:15 Sorry mother, I really need to focus here.

1:18 I will speak to you next week.

1:19 Okay sweetheart, I'll talk to you then.

1:30 [laughter] I thought Mr.

1:32 Watkins moved to Florida.

1:34 He did.

1:35 He was back visiting his son.

1:38 Oh gosh darn it, that is interesting.

1:41 Was it Tommy or Joe?

1:42 I bet it was Joe cuz he and Tommy had a falling out over that time share.

1:45 I can't believe I ditched work for Disneyland.

1:48 What did you tell your boss?

1:49 Oh, I was very clever.

1:50 I did it in stages.

1:52 At 7:00 last night, I called about a problem

1:54 at the lab and casually mentioned I was going out for seafood.

1:58 At 9:30, I called and told him that one of my scallops tasted weird.

2:02 At 11:30, I called and said I was throwing up like a fire hose.

2:08 [laughter] At 12:45, I called and made nothing but dry heaving sounds.

2:12 AND NOW I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND.

2:16 PENNY, WHAT DID YOU SAY?

2:17 I WORK AT THE Cheesecake Factory.

2:19 I said bye.

2:23 [laughter] So what are we going to do first?

2:25 I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to make a beeline

2:26 for the place that gives you a princess makeover.

2:29 Oh, that sounds like fun.

2:30 You're kidding, right?

2:31 We're not just going to get drunk and GO ON RIDES?

2:35 COME ON, DO IT WITH US.

2:37 All right, whatever.

2:39 How does it work?

2:40 Okay, so you pick your princess.

2:41 Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Cinderella.

2:44 They give you hair, makeup, the works.

2:46 Guess it would be fun to be Cinderella.

2:49 Oh, I want to be Cinderella, too.

2:52 Yeah.

2:51 We can't all be Cinderella.

2:54 [laughter] Then how do we decide?

2:58 Well, it's simple.

2:59 This was my idea.

3:01 I'm driving.

3:01 I'm Cinderella.

3:03 You got a problem with that, we could stop the car right now.

3:08 What the hell are you doing?

3:11 You said I'm not using my space, so I'm using it.

3:19 Okay, you need to move now.

3:21 No, I don't.

3:23 Well, you can't stay there forever.

3:25 Actually, I have a plastic baggie strapped to my leg that says I can.

3:32 Give up, Wolowitz.

3:34 You've chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can't defeat.

3:37 There is nothing you could possibly do

3:39 to Those aren't going to help you, Sheldon.

3:50 Oh, yes they are.

3:52 I mean, WHY?

3:55 I'M WARNING YOU, SHELDON.

3:56 YOUR THREATS are empty.

3:58 Nothing can move me.

4:01 Stop that.

4:02 GET OUT OF MY SPOT.

4:04 THAT'S IT.

4:04 I AM CALLING CAMPUS SECURITY.

4:07 YOU PREPARE FOR THE SCOLDING OF YOUR LIFE.

4:10 WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING?

4:12 He's trying to kill me, Leonard.

4:14 Video games and rock music have desensitized HIM TO VIOLENCE.

4:20 [laughter]

4:19 WOULD YOU PLEASE TALK some sense into your lunatic roommate?

4:22 You're both acting like lunatics.

4:24 It's just A PARKING SPOT.

4:26 JUST A PARKING SPOT.

4:27 HE CAN'T HANDLE THE fact that I'm a bigger deal than he is now.

4:30 You are preposterous.

4:32 I have been solely responsible

4:34 for this university's six-loop quantum gravity calculations.

4:37 I have changed the way we think about those Einstein condensates.

4:40 And I am also THE ONE WHO GOT NUTTER Butters in the cafeteria vending machine.

4:46 And maybe you missed that news while you're

4:47 floating around like a goofball in outer space.

4:51 NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I have work to do.

4:55 Can you believe this guy?

4:57 What I don't believe is that you tried to run him over.

4:59 Oh, like you've never thought of doing that.

5:02 Don't [laughter] hate me just because I lived the dream.

5:08 Hey, sweet ride.

5:13 What are you doing in there?

5:15 Just breaking in your new car.

5:21 Stop that.

5:21 You stop that.

5:22 Well, you know what they say.

5:24 Revenge is a dish best served nude.

5:30 Ah, I'm back.

5:31 You got me for 8 minutes.

5:33 Sheldon, this is silly.

5:34 You can't expect us to do quality work with you popping in and out like this.

5:38 The coefficient isn't lambda, it's lambda sub one.

5:41 And then over here, you should consider the possibility

5:43 that the brain itself is in two different quantum states.

5:45 And then lastly, do you have any little soup crackers?

5:49 The rate of spinning for the central axis

5:51 centrifuge has to be four revolutions per second.

5:54 It can't be four revolutions.

5:56 It's got to be seven.

5:57 Seven?

5:57 Look at the board.

5:58 It's four.

5:59 Oh my god, IT'S SEVEN.

6:00 FOUR?

6:01 SEVEN?

6:01 IT'S FIVE AND A HALF.

6:03 Son of a it's five and a half.

6:07 BRB.

6:07 You know, that's short for BE RIGHT BACK.

6:09 I'M SAVING SO MUCH TIME.

6:12 [laughter] TWO SIGNALS MEET UP AT THE CORPUS callosum and T equals zero.

6:17 And I know a boy who just earned a slurp of soup.

6:21 Incredible.

6:23 Sheldon, I didn't expect that you could work

6:24 on both projects, but I I was wrong.

6:27 You know, I felt the same way about the spork.

6:29 Solids and liquids handled by one utensil, that'll never work.

6:33 Spoiler, works.

6:36 Got to admit, we didn't think you'd be able to do two things at once.

6:39 You know, I felt the same way about the platypus.

6:42 Bird and mammal in the same creature, no way.

6:45 And spoiler, way.

6:48 [laughter]

6:49 All right, let's say a physician was prescribing one of our competitor's drugs.

6:53 How would you convince them to switch to ours?

6:59 [laughter] Um Any chance his car needs to be washed by a girl in a bikini?

7:11 [laughter] Okay, I'm really sorry for wasting your time.

7:13 Don't worry about it.

7:15 [clears throat] Thanks for stopping by.

7:15 Okay, thanks.

7:19 Um I'm so Listen, could you do me a favor

7:22 and not tell Bernadette how badly I blew this interview?

7:25 She'll get upset and honestly, I'm a a little terrified of her.

7:32 You're scared of Bernadette?

7:33 Yeah, kind of.

7:35 I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME.

7:40 EVERYONE THINKS SHE'S SO nice with that squeaky little voice.

7:45 I know, but she's KIND OF A BULLY.

7:47 OH MY GOD, she is.

7:49 I I didn't even want to meet you, but I was too scared to say no to her.

7:55 [laughter]

7:55 ME, TOO.

7:56 YEAH, YOU KNOW, one time I had [laughter]

7:59 I had to tell her we were cutting the the research

8:01 funding for one of the drugs she was developing.

8:03 What happened?

8:05 I couldn't do it.

8:05 She's still WORKING ON IT.

8:08 [laughter] OH, WE'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HER ABOUT THIS, RIGHT?

8:14 GOD, NO.

8:17 World's greatest astrophysicist.

8:18 Don't thank me.

8:19 You earned it.

8:23 Howard Wolowitz.

8:27 Why not world's greatest engineer?

8:30 I'm sorry.

8:31 I typed that into the label maker, but I just couldn't press enter.

8:34 Now, down to business.

8:36 What would it take for you to abandon Leonard and join me in a rival company?

8:41 Unless, of course, the mugs are sufficient, in which case, welcome aboard.

8:46 We're not quitting on Leonard.

8:48 I understand.

8:48 Your loyalty is admirable, but what if I were to up the ante?

8:55 What are you talking about?

8:57 Monogrammed keychains with a built-in laser pointer?

9:05 No?

9:07 How about can cozies emblazoned with our university mascot?

9:13 Go Beavers.

9:18 I'll be back.

9:20 Zangen's a fine company.

9:21 They got a couple of good drugs, but we control 60% of the market.

9:25 Hell, commissions on just our fungal creams will put you in a new Mercedes.

9:30 Danny, Danny, look at me.

9:31 Does this face sell fungal creams?

9:34 [laughter]

9:34 No.

9:34 This face is cholesterol drugs and above.

9:38 Playing hard to get, huh?

9:40 No one's ever accused me of that before.

9:44 [laughter]

9:43 Look, why don't I just give you a number and see what you think.

9:46 Ooh, are you are you going to write it on a napkin and slide it over to me?

9:50 No, I was just going to say it.

9:53 Aw.

9:54 Do you Do you me to write it on a napkin and slide it over to you?

9:57 Yeah.

9:59 [laughter] YOU GOT IT.

10:02 DANNY, YOU RAT BASTARD.

10:04 WHAT?

10:05 I'M JUST MAKING YOUR FRIEND AN OFFER.

10:06 YEAH, he's writing it on a napkin like in the movies.

10:10 [laughter] It's not an offer.

10:12 Do you know how amazing this girl is?

10:14 Oh, you think I'm amazing?

10:15 STAY OUT OF THIS.

10:18 [laughter] I'M SERIOUS.

10:18 NOT ONLY IS SHE A HELL OF A sales person,

10:20 she's the hardest worker I've ever seen.

10:22 I know.

10:22 That's why I'm trying to steal her from you.

10:24 Well, then you're going to have to do a lot better than this because

10:26 I promise you I'm not going to let her go without a fight.

10:28 You do not want that.

10:29 She's a biter.

10:31 But just think about it.

10:34 You know, I don't have to.

10:35 Thanks, but I'm happy where I am.

10:37 Let's go.

10:41 Can I just see what he wrote on the napkin?

10:43 What napkin?

10:45 To me, give me some time [singing] to blow

10:48 the My deep water sailor just come from Hong Kong.

10:53 To me, hey, blow the If you give me some whiskey, I'll sing you a song.

10:59 Give me some time to blow the MAN DOWN.

11:03 HELLO?

11:05 HELLO?

11:05 [laughter] THE BREAK OF THE POOP.

11:09 To me, hey, blow the Now I helped you along with the toe of my boot.

11:15 Give me some time to blow the man down.

11:18 What's going on?

11:20 I assume you're referring to the sea shanty.

11:22 That's a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.

11:25 Yeah, it's crazy, but it totally works.

11:27 Look, we made this penny blossom in under 3 minutes.

11:30 Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.

11:36 [laughter] Penny's making hair accessories.

11:37 I'm helping her optimize her manufacturing process.

11:39 All right, break's over.

11:40 Pay attention to orders.

11:42 Now you want them done.

11:43 Hey, hold on.

11:44 What are you using as a bonding agent?

11:46 Hot glue.

11:46 You're kidding.

11:47 Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.

11:50 It won't work.

11:50 The flower's too porous.

11:52 What if we infuse the bottom layer

11:54 with silicone RTV to provide a better mounting surface?

11:58 Intriguing.

11:59 Good question.

11:59 What are your marketing and distribution channels?

12:01 Well, they're the waitresses at my work and this cute little shop in Old Town

12:04 Shh, shh, shh, shh, virtually nonexistent.

12:07 I'm thinking that we set her up

12:09 with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.

12:11 Why not eliminate the middleman?

12:13 We can install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.

12:16 She'll need some kind of industrial cooling system.

12:18 Of course, but before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure,

12:21 we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process.

12:24 To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.

12:30 Yeah, it's a

12:32 [laughter] Uh, [screaming] I've seen this before.

12:37 Where?

12:38 It's a common stripper problem.

12:43 They dance, they sweat, THEY CLUMP.

12:48 [laughter] EW.

12:49 ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT ADDING A desiccant like calcium sulfate?

12:53 Actually, I'm thinking about this one stripper named Vega.

13:00 [laughter] But sure, calcium sulfate could work.

13:02 Let's think out of the box for a moment.

13:05 How about a MOLECULAR SIEVE?

13:09 OH.

13:09 I'VE GOT A SPAGHETTI strainer in the kitchen.

13:13 [laughter] Wow.

13:18 [laughter] Hey, uh, we can liberate some microporous charcoal from the chem lab.

13:23 Oh, great.

13:24 Yeah, Wolowitz, why don't you and Howard go get the charcoal?

13:27 Leonard, why don't you start working on some preliminary website designs?

13:30 I'll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.

13:34 Well, what's wrong with my apartment?

13:36 It's not my apartment.

13:38 [laughter]

13:38 Wait, wait, wait, what am I going to do?

13:39 Uh, hey, it's your business.

13:41 Do whatever you want.

13:42 Oh.

13:45 Okay, cool.

13:48 I'm going to take a nap.

13:52 Dr.

13:52 Koothrappali?

13:53 Come on in.

13:54 I was surprised to hear you were interested in joining our little team.

13:57 Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we?

14:00 No, no, it's a very promising area.

14:01 In a perfect world, I'd spend several more years on it,

14:04 but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to work

14:06 with you on your tremendously exciting

14:08 and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.

14:11 Splendid.

14:12 Please sit down.

14:14 Can I offer you sherry?

14:15 It's a little early, isn't it?

14:17 Not on Proxima Centauri.

14:21 [laughter] But that's very good.

14:21 Jolly amusing.

14:22 But if you don't mind, I'll hold off until sunset on Titan.

14:27 Well [laughter] done.

14:28 I have a feeling you're going to fit in just fine, Dr.

14:30 Koothrappali.

14:31 Thank you, sir.

14:31 [laughter] I'm sorry, am I late?

14:35 No, no, no, right on time.

14:37 Dr.

14:37 Koothrappali, may I present Dr.

14:39 Milstone from MIT.

14:40 She'll be heading up our data analysis team.

14:43 It's nice to meet you, Dr.

14:44 Koothrappali.

14:46 I read your paper on Kuiper belt object size [laughter] distribution.

14:49 I really enjoyed it.

14:56 [laughter] How did you correct for the selection bias?

14:58 Well, I ran a simulation.

15:01 It allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.

15:04 That's just fascinating.

15:06 Thank you.

15:09 Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub?

15:17 [laughter]

15:16 So, when do I start?

15:21 Ready to ride?

15:22 I don't think so, Mom.

15:24 Not today.

15:26 Oh, sweetie.

15:27 Hemorrhoids acting up again?

15:30 You don't know the half of it.

15:32 Oh, yes, I do.

15:34 Try a dab of this.

15:38 Rose scented Preparation [music] H for women?

15:43 [laughter]

15:42 Now the H is for her.

15:52 [laughter] I'm proud of you.

15:52 Here comes my joke.

15:54 How you doing?

15:56 Sitting pretty.

16:04 Excuse me.

16:05 Hang on.

16:10 Uh, one across is Aegean, eight down is Nabokov,

16:13 26 across is MCM, 14 down is your finger.

16:19 Phylum, which makes 14 across Potter Prince.

16:24 [laughter]

16:24 See, Papa Doc's capital idea, that's Potter Prince.

16:29 [laughter] Haiti.

16:31 Can I help you?

16:31 Yes.

16:34 Um, is this the high IQ sperm bank?

16:40 If you have to ask, maybe you SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

16:44 I THINK THIS IS THE PLACE.

16:47 [laughter]

16:47 FILL THESE OUT.

16:48 Thank you.

16:48 We'll be right back.

16:50 I'll take your time.

16:50 I'll just finish my crossword puzzle.

16:54 Oh, wait.

17:06 Leonard, I don't think I can do this.

17:09 What, are you kidding?

17:09 You're a semi-pro.

17:12 No, we are committing genetic fraud.

17:15 There's no guarantee that our sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring.

17:18 Think about that.

17:19 I have a sister with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.

17:25 [laughter] Sheldon, this was your idea.

17:26 A little extra money to get fractional T1 bandwidth in the apartment.

17:30 and I do yearn for faster downloads.

17:33 There's some poor woman's going to pin her hopes on my sperm.

17:36 What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should

17:38 use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?

17:43 I'm sure she'll still love him.

17:45 I wouldn't.

17:47 [snorts] Well, what do you want to do?

17:50 I want to leave.

17:51 Okay.

17:53 What's the protocol for leaving?

17:54 I don't know.

17:55 I've never reneged on a proffer of sperm before.

18:00 [laughter] Let's try just walking out.

18:01 Okay.

18:14 [laughter] Bye.

18:13 Bye.

18:14 Nice to meet you.

18:16 Hey, you got a sec?

18:17 Sure, what's up?

18:18 Uh, bad news.

18:20 I spoke to my supervisor about heading up your sales team,

18:22 and she said she just can't lose me right now.

18:25 Do you want me to call her?

18:26 I could rip her a new one.

18:28 No, no, no ripping.

18:30 Um, anyway, I I don't want to leave her short-handed, so I'm sorry.

18:33 I respect that.

18:35 That's what makes you a good employee.

18:36 Aw, thank you.

18:38 It's just such a bummer.

18:39 I KNOW.

18:40 JUST [laughter] YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO CALL HER?

18:44 NO, I'M SURE.

18:45 DEFINITELY SURE.

18:45 Don't call her.

18:47 But, you know, JUST UH, WHY?

18:53 HEY, YOU WANTED to see me?

18:54 Yeah, come on in.

18:55 Okay.

18:56 Close the door.

18:58 Okay.

19:02 Have a seat.

19:04 Do I have to?

19:05 You really do.

19:11 [laughter]

19:10 So, I talked to your supervisor, and she said that she never stopped you

19:14 from working on my team because you never asked her.

19:18 Really?

19:19 Uh, you know, you [clears throat] should

19:20 know she's been taking our new antidepressant,

19:22 and lying is one of the main side effects.

19:27 [laughter] Why don't you want to work with me?

19:28 I know I can be tough, but that's just cuz I'm surrounded by useless idiots.

19:33 No, it's not that.

19:35 Then why?

19:37 Honestly, I don't know if I'm up to it.

19:39 You know, the last project I managed was my high school yearbook.

19:42 And?

19:43 And that was the year we didn't have one.

19:46 Apparently, the printers won't make them without getting paid.

19:49 What What to the money?

19:51 Uh, if I didn't then, I'm not going to magically know now.

19:54 [laughter] Plus, you know, I didn't go to college.

19:56 I'd be in charge of people that are far more educated with more experience.

19:59 What if they don't listen to me?

20:00 Then you be really mean to them.

20:02 Have I taught you nothing?

20:05 Honey, everybody feels like you do,

20:07 like they're not good enough, not smart enough.

20:09 What, even you?

20:10 Of course.

20:11 Talk to Wolowitz and Kripke.

20:12 You want to meet Hey, did they not teach KNOCKING AT STANFORD?

20:14 GET OUT.

20:19 [laughter]

20:18 I LOVE THAT KID.

20:23 ALL RIGHT.

20:23 NOW, I'M SURE SOME OF YOU ARE WONDERING, who is this woman?

20:26 How did she get to be in charge of the sales team?

20:28 Is it because she's friends with Dr.

20:29 Wolowitz and Kripke?

20:31 Because she is.

20:33 Is it because she was Miss Cornhusker 2001

20:36 and still fits in those very same jeans?

20:38 Because she was, and she does, and they're actually a little baggy.

20:43 [laughter]

20:43 Or is it because she's the best damn salesperson here?

20:46 Because I am.

20:48 Now that we're clear on that, here are

20:49 the drug specs and marketing strategy for Inflammax.

20:53 Which, now that I say it out loud, might be a placeholder.

20:56 By tomorrow, I want everyone to have this committed to memory.

20:59 Do you have it committed to memory?

21:01 You want to have a contest, Karen?

21:03 Winner gets a yogurt.

21:07 No, boss.

21:08 All right.

21:09 Now, we all know what we need to do.

21:10 Let's go do it.

21:13 But right now?

21:13 GET OUT OF HERE.

21:13 GO.

21:17 THAT WAS REALLY IMPRESSIVE.

21:19 Damn right it was impressive.

21:21 Okay, that tone doesn't work.

21:22 Sorry, boss.

21:25 [laughter] Hi.

21:26 Hi, sweetie.

21:28 I miss you.

21:29 I miss you, too.

21:30 So, tell me all about your first day.

21:33 Oh, wow.

21:34 Uh, where do I even start?

21:35 I got to experience zero gravity.

21:39 Cool.

21:39 How did they do that?

21:40 It's pretty neat.

21:41 You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for like 20 seconds,

21:46 and then straight back down, like it's going to crash.

21:50 And [laughter]

21:52 they do it over and over again, you know, no matter how many times you throw up.

21:57 You throw up?

21:58 Yeah.

21:59 And and the craziest part is, because there's no gravity,

22:02 the throw up kind OF FLOATS THERE.

22:07 IN A LITTLE BALL.

22:08 AND IF YOUR MOUTH is open BECAUSE YOU'RE SCREAMING [laughter]

22:15 SOMETIMES, IT just floats right back in.

22:21 [laughter]

22:21 Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens?

22:24 That sounds mean.

22:25 No.

22:26 Yeah, I would laugh, too, but I didn't want the vomit to come BACK OUT.

22:33 [laughter]

22:35 ANYWAY.

22:35 OH, COULD YOU DO ME a favor and overnight me some more underwear?

22:40 Sure.

22:40 Why?

22:41 I got to look at the centrifuge they're going to spin me around in tomorrow,

22:44 and I have a hunch I packed a little light.

22:47 Howard, what happened to you?

22:49 We did overnight survival training in THE WILDERNESS.

22:55 [laughter] BIG FUN.

22:54 BIG BIG FUN.

22:58 I WAS GOING TO FRESHEN UP FOR YOU,

23:00 BUT I blacked out a little on the way TO THE BATHROOM.

23:06 [laughter] SURVIVAL TRAINING, IS THAT LIKE CAMPING?

23:07 UH-HUH.

23:09 EXCEPT, you don't have food or water.

23:12 And they don't have a sunset Sabbath service like they do at Camp Hasenpfeffer.

23:19 Do you sleep in tents?

23:20 No.

23:22 I slept in a hole I dug in the ground

23:28 [laughter]

23:26 with my bare hands.

23:29 And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in

23:37 [laughter] AND SPOONED ME.

23:40 POOR BABY.

23:42 BUT I did it.

23:43 I survived.

23:44 I wasn't sure I was going to when the sandstorm hit.

23:51 [laughter]

23:50 Just pulled my turtleneck up over my head and WAITED FOR DEATH.

23:58 [laughter] BUT SOMEHOW, AS I SAT THERE, wrapped in a cocoon of my own neck sweat

24:06 [laughter]

24:05 I found that primal part of the human spirit that just wants to keep on living,

24:13 you know, [laughter] no matter what the cost.

24:16 You're so brave.

24:17 I'm proud of you.

24:19 I ATE A BUTTERFLY.

24:25 [laughter]

24:27 IT WAS SO SMALL.

24:32 [laughter] BEAUTIFUL.

24:34 I WAS SO HUNGRY.

24:39 ARE YOU CRYING?

24:41 NO.

24:41 I don't think it's possible.

24:43 I'M SEVERELY DEHYDRATED.

24:47 MY PEE IS LIKE TOOTHPASTE.

24:52 HOWARD, IF YOU'RE NOT ABLE TO DO THIS, come home.

24:55 It won't change how I feel about you.

24:57 Thanks, honey, but I can't quit.

25:00 Yeah.

25:01 If I do, I'd just be a guy who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up.

25:08 Was there anything I could do to help?

25:10 No.

25:14 [snorts] Wait, SEND MORE UNDERWEAR.

25:19 [laughter] HEY, KRIPKE.

25:23 HELLO, HOFSTADTER.

25:26 Why are you cleaning that out yourself?

25:27 Don't you have grad students?

25:29 Come on.

25:30 I can't make my grad students do every dirty job.

25:33 Or so I've been told in writing by the head of human resources.

25:39 [laughter]

25:39 Fair enough.

25:40 Uh, so, look, I'm here to ask you

25:42 to give Sheldon the Athenaeum for their wedding.

25:48 [laughter]

25:48 Why would I do that?

25:51 Because deep down, Barry, you're a really good guy.

25:56 But am I?

25:59 [laughter]

26:01 Fine.

26:01 What's it going to take?

26:03 [laughter] Barry, I have come to ask one more Leonard?

26:12 What what why are you doing that?

26:14 Because deep down, Barry is not a good guy.

26:18 He's making you clean out barrels of irradiated grease?

26:22 Yeah.

26:25 I made a deal with him to get you the Athenaeum for your wedding.

26:30 Why would you do that?

26:33 Because I was a jerk for lying to you before,

26:36 and besides, you're my best friend.

26:37 I want you to have the wedding of your dreams.

26:41 On Mars?

26:46 Yeah, I want Amy to have the wedding of her dreams.

26:49 Thank you, but I don't want you to do this.

26:53 No, it's okay.

26:54 No, it's not.

26:55 We're not going to let Barry win.

26:57 Oh, what are we going to do?

26:59 We have a combined IQ of 360.

27:02 Yeah, perhaps more if that radiation gave you a super brain.

27:07 Yeah, you're right.

27:08 If we work together, we can totally outsmart Barry Kripke.

27:20 Leonard, my nose itches.

27:21 What do I do?

27:25 You know the best part of working in the clean room?

27:28 No allergies.

27:29 Check it out.

27:34 [snorts] Oh, that that that's a lot of oxygen.

27:37 [laughter] We should get going to Amy's.

27:39 You know, can you believe there was a time when we would

27:41 have needed an array of giant Cherenkov telescopes to detect cosmic particles,

27:45 and here we are, building our own multiwire detector like a couple of badasses.

27:52 [laughter] I know.

27:52 If we were still single, we'd be tripping over all that booty.

27:57 Ladies do love a man dressed like a kitchen garbage bag.

28:07 [laughter]

28:07 Oh, no.

28:10 How the hell did a pigeon get in here?

28:11 You didn't shut the loading doors, right?

28:13 you did.

28:13 Do you know what a disaster this is?

28:15 You mean cuz this room isn't supposed to have dust in it,

28:17 and we just let IN A FLYING CRAP MACHINE?

28:22 WHAT DO WE DO?

28:22 SHOULD WE CALL SOMEONE?

28:23 NO, AND TELL them that we compromised all the equipment.

28:26 Let's just get it out of here before anyone knows.

28:29 Okay, how do we catch it?

28:30 Well, well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one,

28:33 and it'll come to it?

28:36 It's not A MOTH.

28:40 [laughter]

28:40 DON'T YELL AT ME.

28:41 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO get any good ideas out of me if you're yelling.

28:43 Okay, okay.

28:44 So, if I remain calm, I'll get more gems like turn off the lights?

28:49 [laughter]

28:49 Great.

28:49 We're turning on each other.

28:50 That's just WHAT THE BIRD WANTS US TO DO.

28:57 [laughter] OKAY.

28:59 ON THE COUNT OF THREE, I'LL SHOOT THE FIRE extinguisher and get him airborne.

29:02 Howard, you wave the blanket and guide him towards the exit.

29:04 Raj, you hold open the curtain so he can fly out.

29:07 Are you sure a dummy like me can handle something as complicated as a blanket?

29:12 You want the fire extinguisher?

29:14 Yeah.

29:14 I do.

29:14 Great.

29:15 Here you go.

29:16 Okay.

29:20 One.

29:21 TWO.

29:22 THREE.

29:27 YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE PIN OUT.

29:30 [laughter] YOU MISSED THE BLANKET NOW, DON'T YOU?

29:36 [laughter] ON THREE.

29:39 ONE.

29:39 TWO.

29:40 THREE.

29:45 [laughter] WHAT DID YOU DO?

29:52 IT WAS AN [laughter] ACCIDENT.

29:53 Oh my god.

29:55 Oh my god.

29:55 Relax, it wasn't your fault.

29:57 Maybe it's just stunned.

29:58 Dude, it it it's not breathing.

30:01 Oh, no.

30:02 I killed it.

30:05 [sighs and gasps] Oh, not again.

30:07 What do you mean not again?

30:12 [laughter] When I was 10, I was playing in my backyard and sat on a blue jay.

30:20 [laughter]

30:21 I tried to bring it back to life with electricity, but it just caught on fire.

30:32 [laughter]

30:31 THE WORST PART WAS IT SMELLED DELICIOUS.

30:35 GUYS, I FOUND AN article here that says you can do CPR on birds.

30:40 Great, do it.

30:41 I'm not doing it.

30:42 You killed him, YOU DO IT.

30:43 I'LL DO IT.

30:45 NO.

30:45 I need to do it.

30:46 This is on me.

30:52 [snorts] Okay.

30:54 [laughter] Mouth over beak and light chest compressions.

30:57 Don't blow too hard.

30:58 If you pop him, I will vomit.

31:04 [laughter] Anything?

31:04 I am tasting a lot OF SLIM JIM.

31:10 WAIT.

31:11 WAIT, HIS wing moved.

31:12 He blinked his eyes.

31:13 He's alive.

31:14 IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

31:16 I might argue a Hanukkah miracle, but I'll take it.

31:19 Come on, little guy.

31:20 Let's get you outside.

31:20 GET THE CURTAIN.

31:24 [laughter] SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY CLOSE THAT LOADING DOOR.

31:35 WELCOME.

31:37 [laughter] What is this?

31:40 Oh, well, you said you didn't have time to go out for dinner,

31:42 so I thought we could have one right here.

31:45 All righty.

31:46 Oh, come on.

31:46 We're in the telescope room.

31:48 It'll be like dining under the stars.

31:51 You see this 00?

31:52 When it says 01, that means it's twinkling.

31:59 [laughter] Sometimes it takes a while.

32:04 [laughter] Rajesh, this is so sweet, but you you know I'm working.

32:09 That's why I already cleaned up in here and all the other rooms in the hall.

32:16 Well, I suppose I can use my little time.

32:18 This is it.

32:19 I tried to cook you a meal from your homeland.

32:23 Oh, really?

32:24 You made Cuban food?

32:27 That depends.

32:28 Do they have Mexican food in Cuba?

32:33 I am facing a great deal of work.

32:35 I do like things better when famous people also like them.

32:41 Here.

32:42 It's on the house.

32:44 Wait.

32:45 The first one's free?

32:47 Flash, how do you stay in business?

32:50 You want to know my secret?

32:52 I bought stock in Marvel.

32:59 Why is it taking him so long to get a drink out of a vending machine?

33:03 Well, it's complicated.

33:04 He finds pushing that little door

33:06 and reaching up in the machine uncomfortably intimate.

33:11 Gentlemen, I am ready to work.

33:13 To quote The Martian, let's science the feces out of this.

33:16 And that's the Martian in the book and the Martian in the movie,

33:18 not Marvin the Martian.

33:19 Although to quote Marvin the Martian, I claim this planet in the name of Mars.

33:25 Are you okay?

33:26 Oh, I'm fantastic.

33:27 Never been better.

33:28 I had my first energy drink and I feel great.

33:30 Hey, you guys want to wrestle?

33:31 We could do arm, thumb, mud, sumo.

33:33 Nah, we're not fat enough.

33:34 We're wearing diapers.

33:39 [laughter] You wanted them awake.

33:41 Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah.

33:47 [laughter] Someone's in the kitchen, I know.

33:49 Ho, ho, ho.

33:54 [laughter] Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah.

33:56 Sheldon.

33:57 Sheldon.

33:58 Goats are sold my soul to the company store.

34:05 Honey, do you want some coffee?

34:07 No, I don't drink coffee.

34:08 Come on, but if you don't stay awake, we'll never finish in time.

34:11 I'm sorry, coffee's out of the question.

34:12 When I moved to California,

34:14 I promised my mother that I wouldn't start DOING DRUGS.

34:17 LEONARD, HELP.

34:18 SHELDON, we still have 380 of these things to make.

34:21 have complete faith that you will make them.

34:23 Good night.

34:24 Leonard.

34:25 Good night.

34:26 But Sheldon, without your insight and leadership,

34:28 this entire enterprise WILL SURELY FAIL.

34:32 [laughter]

34:34 YOU'RE RIGHT, OF COURSE.

34:37 HERE, THIS will help.

34:41 Very well.

34:43 But if this leads to opiates or hallucinogenics,

34:45 you're going to have to answer to my mother.

34:50 I look at Planck's constant.

34:52 People say that's arbitrary.

34:53 They could not be less arbitrary.

34:55 If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist.

34:59 Bam.

35:03 Now, now, let's reconsider the entire argument

35:05 [laughter] with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause.

35:09 So, you are thinking of a universe that's not expanding from the center.

35:13 No, it is retreating from a from a possibility space.

35:17 Bam.

35:20 [laughter] This is a space where we are

35:21 all essentially Alice through the looking glass standing

35:24 in front of the Red Queen and we're

35:26 being offered a cracker to QUENCH OUR THIRST.

35:29 BAM.

35:32 OF COURSE, IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE,

35:33 LET'S CALL THAT universe one, there's another Sheldon.

35:35 Should have let him go to bed.

35:37 Bam.

35:40 ZOOM.

35:40 ZOOM.

35:41 ZOOM.

35:46 WHERE'S THE COFFEE?

35:50 [laughter]

35:49 WE'RE OUT.

35:52 NO PROBLEM.

35:54 I'll be back before this banana hits the ground.

35:58 Zoom.

35:58 ZOOM.

35:59 ZOOM.

36:01 [screaming] ZOOM.

36:01 ZOOM.

36:02 ZOOM.

36:05 [laughter] I'VE RECONSIDERED.

36:06 You can't work where I work.

36:08 Enjoy the rest of your evening.

36:11 [laughter] I already signed the contract.

36:13 I cashed the check.

36:14 Mhm.

36:15 You are not going to come out of this looking good.

36:19 Sheldon, I don't understand.

36:20 I thought you said you were fine with it.

36:21 I was, but that was before Howard explained to me how awful

36:25 it would be if he had to work with his SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

36:28 WAIT, WHAT?

36:31 [laughter]

36:31 NOW, DON'T BE INSULTED.

36:32 HE just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.

36:37 Excuse me, I need to have a chat with my husband.

36:40 Now, what Keep it short.

36:42 From what I gather, brevity is your friend.

36:46 [laughter] So, are we good here?

36:48 Sheldon misunderstood.

36:49 What I meant was if we work together,

36:51 there'd be too much of me for you, not the other way around.

36:56 Howard, if you're going to lie to your wife,

36:58 don't start a sentence with Sheldon misunderstood.

37:01 That's a dead giveaway.

37:05 [laughter] Well?

37:05 Okay, fine.

37:06 I did say that and I think it's true.

37:07 I think if we work together and live together, we'd get sick of each other.

37:11 Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.

37:14 But the love OF MY LIFE.

37:20 [laughter] WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK YOU'D GET SICK OF?

37:23 The only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one.

37:28 It's nothing in particular.

37:29 I Is it my voice?

37:31 Am I too bossy?

37:34 My arm is feeling numb.

37:38 I'll be dead.

37:41 That's the wrong arm for a heart attack, doofus.

37:45 So, what's your news?

37:46 Remember the little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?

37:49 Oh, yeah, 2008 NQ17.

37:52 Or as I call it, Planet Bollywood.

37:55 Anyway, because of my discovery,

37:56 People magazine is naming me one of the 30 under 30 to watch.

38:00 Congratulations.

38:03 Excuse me.

38:05 30 what under 30 what to watch what?

38:09 30 visionaries under 30 years of age to watch

38:12 as they challenge the preconceptions of the fields.

38:15 With a million guesses, I never would have gotten that.

38:19 It's pretty cool.

38:20 They've got me in with a guy who's doing something about hunger

38:22 in Indonesia and a psychotherapist who's using

38:24 dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners and Ellen Page,

38:27 star of the charming independent film Juno.

38:31 Oh, I'd so do her.

38:35 You'd do the dolphins.

38:38 Do I get an honorable mention for designing

38:40 the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?

38:43 Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming

38:45 and personal narrative in which a humble boy

38:47 from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice

38:49 and journey to America to reach for the stars.

38:52 Poverty?

38:53 Your father's a gynecologist.

38:55 He drives a Bentley.

38:57 It's a lease.

39:02 [laughter] I'm confused.

39:03 You know, was there some sort of peer

39:05 review committee to determine which scientists would be included?

39:08 Peer review?

39:09 It's People magazine.

39:10 People picked me.

39:13 What people?

39:14 The the the the the the people from People.

39:17 Yeah, but exactly who are these people?

39:18 You know, what are their credentials?

39:19 How are they qualified?

39:21 What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock

39:24 that's been traipsing around the solar system

39:25 for billions of years more noteworthy than any

39:28 other scientific accomplishment made by someone under 30?

39:32 Boy, I bet Ellen Page's friends aren't giving her this kind of crap.

39:41 You proud of yourself?

39:43 In general, yes.

39:45 Let's go over our emotional responses one last time.

39:48 Okay.

39:49 Professor Tupperman is dead, and that makes us sad.

39:55 The fact that there are so many people here tonight

39:57 doesn't make us cranky and claustrophobic, it makes us glad.

40:04 [laughter]

40:04 Giving Mrs.

40:04 Davis the box set of roots was

40:08 bad.

40:09 You know, however No.

40:12 Bad.

40:14 [laughter] Unbelievable.

40:15 You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.

40:19 You're here?

40:20 Excuse me.

40:20 I'm here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware or whatever his name is.

40:27 [laughter] So am I.

40:26 His passing makes me feel bad.

40:32 Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here.

40:35 I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all.

40:41 [laughter]

40:41 And you, you said you weren't coming here, either.

40:43 I would take action.

40:44 You don't know what I said.

40:48 [laughter] I'd like to know why Penny's here.

40:49 I'm here to support my man, just like you.

40:51 What are you going to do?

40:53 Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?

40:58 Do it.

41:03 [cheering] [laughter] [laughter]

41:14 Well, did she do it yet?

41:18 SHE PLANS ON FLIRTING with members

41:19 of the tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.

41:22 Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do.

41:25 Don't just stand there, take your breasts out.

41:32 [laughter] Ooh, meerkat fight.

41:35 You're [laughter] all wasting your time.

41:36 Sheldon is the most qualified for the job,

41:38 and no amount of gravity-defying bosoms going to change that.

41:44 Seriously, is that tape?

41:45 Like, how are they staying up like that?

41:48 Wait, they hit him with both barrels.

41:52 You two should be ashamed of yourselves using women to advance

41:55 your cause with sexuality and whatever Amy plans on doing.

42:01 Are you implying that my girlfriend has no sexuality to exploit?

42:06 Yes.

42:06 Okay, because that was NOT CLEAR.

42:08 SHELDON!

42:11 [laughter] WHAT?

42:12 THAT WAS AMBIGUOUS.

42:13 WELL, now it's ambiguous.

42:15 What are you going to do about it?

42:16 Um You could talk some smack about his mother.

42:19 Yes, of course.

42:20 He wouldn't like that at all.

42:22 [laughter]

42:22 Last night I was feeling a need of sexual

42:24 release when I happened to come across your mother.

42:30 Okay.

42:30 Okay, guys, what are we doing here?

42:33 I don't know what you're doing,

42:34 but I was about to insinuate that I had coitus with Raj's mother for a dollar.

42:38 [laughter]

42:40 Now, you do what you want, but I don't want to lose my friends over tenure.

42:44 Friends are forever.

42:45 SO IS TENURE.

42:46 [laughter] NO, I'M JUST GOING TO GO HOME AND LET MY WORK speak for itself.

42:53 You're right.

42:54 This is beneath me.

42:55 Like your mother was last night.

43:00 How about it, Sheldon?

43:02 What do you think I should do?

43:05 Well you'll always be an academic success,

43:08 but I seriously question whether you'll make any more friends.

43:14 [cheering] Well, I don't want any more, but let's go.

43:19 [laughter] Are you kidding?

43:19 I would love to babysit for you.

43:22 I could not ask you to do that.

43:24 Nonsense.

43:24 Children love me.

43:25 Something about me just makes them laugh and laugh.

43:29 [laughter] [laughter]

43:36 No.

43:36 We cannot lose to that jerk.

43:39 Yeah.

43:39 Screw it.

43:40 I'm going in.

43:41 You wait.

43:41 Hold on.

43:43 I believe "Screw it, I'm going in" is what I said to your mother last night.

43:50 [laughter]

43:50 Don't worry, I didn't really say that.

43:52 I find the concept of coitus ridiculous and off-putting.

43:58 Should've taken my breasts out while I had the chance.

44:02 Mrs.

44:02 Davis?

44:03 Mrs.

44:04 Davis?

44:05 Mrs.

44:05 Davis?

44:08 [laughter] I know you're in there.

44:09 I saw your car in the parking lot.

44:13 What?

44:15 I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr.

44:18 Hofstadter, and Dr.

44:19 Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.

44:22 Well, despite your quirks,

44:24 the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.

44:28 I don't know what you mean by quirks, but um I do want to express my gratitude.

44:34 You didn't bring another gift, did you?

44:35 No, no.

44:37 No, I learned my lesson.

44:38 I understand that was inappropriate.

44:41 Good.

44:41 Anyway, thank you.

44:44 You're welcome.

44:47 [laughter] So, Mr.

44:49 Cooper, you're looking for a job.

44:52 A menial job.

44:55 Like yours.

44:58 Well, why thank you for noticing.

45:02 I'm menial employee of the month.

45:06 Do you have a particular field in mind?

45:09 I do.

45:10 For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent

45:14 their lives laboring to erect monuments under the lash

45:17 of their betters until finally they dropped down

45:20 and became one with the dust through which they trudged.

45:24 Do you have anything like that?

45:28 No.

45:30 Shouldn't you check your database?

45:34 No.

45:36 [laughter] You didn't really type.

45:42 I didn't really have to.

45:46 [laughter] So, how about construction?

45:47 Ooh, that would be good.

45:49 Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working-class fellows

45:54 and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis.

46:00 No, no.

46:00 This is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead.

46:05 I could do that.

46:07 One question.

46:08 Yes.

46:08 What's sheetrock?

46:12 [laughter] Moving on.

46:14 How about doing deliveries for a florist?

46:17 That seems acceptable.

46:18 Do you have your own car?

46:19 I don't drive.

46:21 Of course you don't.

46:24 Mr.

46:25 Cooper, let me just ask you a question.

46:27 What was your last job?

46:29 Senior theoretical particle physicist at Caltech focusing on M-theory,

46:33 or in layman's terms, string theory.

46:36 I see.

46:38 Just give me a second.

46:43 SECURITY!

46:46 [screaming] [laughter]

46:50 I'VE RECONSIDERED YOUR OFFER TO LET me work with you.

46:53 For me.

46:55 Yes, for you.

46:57 I do, however, have a few conditions.

46:59 First, at all times I'm to be treated as a colleague and an equal.

47:03 Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials, and third,

47:07 you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.

47:12 [laughter] I'm impressed, Raj.

47:13 Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.

47:16 Thank you.

47:16 I reject them all.

47:20 [laughter] Then you leave me no choice.

47:21 I accept the job.

47:24 I'm sorry.

47:25 I believe you've misunderstood.

47:27 I'm not giving you the job.

47:29 I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it.

47:34 Have a seat.

47:34 We'll get started with the interview.

47:36 What?

47:37 You're kidding.

47:39 Please.

47:42 All right.

47:45 So.

47:51 [laughter]

47:50 That's what you wear to an interview?

47:54 Come on, dude.

47:54 We've been FRIENDS FOR YEARS.

47:56 OH, pulling strings, are we?

47:59 Sheldon, for God's sake, don't make me beg.

48:03 Bazinga.

48:05 [laughter] You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes.

48:11 [laughter] I'm your boss now.

48:12 You may want to laugh at that.

48:16 Excuse me.

48:17 Do you know anything about this stuff?

48:19 I know everything about this stuff.

48:21 Okay.

48:22 I have my own wholesale flower business, and I want to hook up my computer

48:25 in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.

48:28 Here, buy this one.

48:29 Look, it's the one we're getting.

48:30 See?

48:30 Happy guy.

48:31 No, no, no, no.

48:31 She doesn't want that.

48:32 She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.

48:37 Thank you.

48:37 Which hard drive do I want?

48:39 FireWire or USB?

48:42 It depends on what bus you have available.

48:47 I drive a Chevy Cavalier.

48:51 Oh, dear lord.

48:53 SHELDON, WE HAVE TO GO.

48:54 Not now, Penny.

48:54 This poor man needs me.

48:56 You hold on, I'll be right with you.

48:59 [laughter] What computer do you have?

49:00 And please don't say a white one.

49:04 Okay, we don't have that in stock.

49:09 [laughter] But I can special order it for you.

49:11 Him.

49:13 Excuse me, sir.

49:14 You don't work here.

49:16 Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.

49:20 [laughter] Sheldon, we have to go.

49:23 Why?

49:22 Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party,

49:25 and for another, I told him to call security.

49:28 Good luck.

49:32 [laughter]

49:32 By the way, a 6-year-old could hack your computer system.

49:35 Keep walking.

49:36 Yeah, 1 2 [laughter] 3 is not a secure password.

49:40 You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.

49:43 Why?

49:43 Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?

49:47 Put it on the back burner.

49:49 Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine,

49:52 I would just go into the past and give it to myself,

49:55 thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.

49:59 [laughter] Interesting.

50:00 Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.

50:03 Sounds like a breakthrough.

50:05 Should I call Science [snorts] magazine and tell them to hold the cover?

50:07 It's time travel, Leonard.

50:08 I will have already done that.

50:12 Then I guess congratulations are in order.

50:14 No, congratulations will have been in order.

50:18 [laughter] You know, I'm not going to enjoy this party.

50:20 I know.

50:21 I'm familiar with you.

50:22 The last apartment party,

50:24 Professor Finkeldey cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.

50:28 Yes, I was there.

50:29 You know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?

50:32 What?

50:33 Nothing.

50:34 [laughter] Well, then we'll avoid Finkeldey.

50:36 We'll meet the new department head, congratulate him, shake his hand, and go.

50:39 How's this?

50:40 "Pleased to meet you, Dr.

50:41 Gablehouser.

50:42 How fortunate for you that the university has chosen to hire you,

50:45 despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years,

50:48 and instead have written a series of popular books that reduce

50:50 the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes,

50:53 each one dumbed down to accommodate

50:55 the duration of an average bowel movement." Mahalo.

51:00 [laughter] Mahalo's a nice touch.

51:07 You know, there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.

51:10 Interesting.

51:10 You should lead with that.

51:14 Oh god, look at this buffet.

51:17 I love America.

51:19 You don't have buffets in India?

51:20 Of course, but it's all Indian food.

51:23 You can't find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life.

51:26 Schmear me.

51:29 Well, here's an interesting turn of events.

51:32 What?

51:35 [laughter] Howard brought a date?

51:37 A more plausible explanation is that his work

51:39 in robotics has made an amazing leap forward.

51:44 [laughter] Hey, what up, science May I introduce my special lady friend, Summer?

51:50 Howard, I told you, touching's extra.

51:52 Right.

51:52 Sorry.

51:55 [laughter] Here comes our new boss.

51:55 Be polite.

51:57 Hi, fellas.

51:58 Eric Gablehouser.

52:00 Howard Wolowitz.

52:01 Howard, nice to meet you.

52:02 And you are?

52:04 An actual, real scientist.

52:08 [laughter] How was that?

52:13 [laughter] I can't believe he fired me.

52:15 Well, you did call me a glorified high school science

52:18 teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.

52:23 [laughter] In my defense, I prefaced that by saying,

52:25 "With all due respect." Okay, I'll get those drinks started for you.

52:31 Good day behind you.

52:34 Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?

52:37 I'm trying to get these tables cleared.

52:38 We're slammed.

52:41 No, wait.

52:41 Wait.

52:41 No, wait.

52:42 What are you doing here?

52:44 A reasonable question.

52:45 I asked myself, "What is the most mind-numbing

52:48 pedestrian job conceivable?" And three answers came to mind:

52:52 a tollbooth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does.

52:58 Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins,

53:03 and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

53:10 You just just walked in and they hired you?

53:12 Just like that?

53:13 Oh, heavens, no.

53:14 Since I don't need to be paid, I didn't need to be hired.

53:17 I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man.

53:22 Let me get that plate out of your way.

53:24 Sheldon, this is ridiculous.

53:26 Well, is it?

53:27 Just a moment ago, I had a minor epiphany regarding

53:30 the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate.

53:35 [laughter]

53:35 Bernadette, table 10 wants their check.

53:37 Thanks, Sheldon.

53:38 Sheldon, wait, this isn't even what I do.

53:40 I'm a waitress, not a busboy.

53:42 You're right, that is more menial.

53:46 [laughter] Hello, I'm Sheldon.

53:47 I'll be your server today.

53:49 I don't recommend the salmon.

53:51 I saw it in the kitchen.

53:54 It's an outrage.

53:56 I know.

53:57 The university, they think they can do whatever they want.

53:59 We just have to sit there and take it.

54:00 You need to let it go, Sheldon.

54:02 You work tirelessly for someone and this is what you get.

54:06 god, they're just making you use YOUR VACATION DAYS.

54:10 BUT I DON'T WANT A VACATION.

54:12 OKAY, LISTEN.

54:13 I don't mean to diminish what you're going through,

54:15 but I'm a little distracted right now.

54:17 Oh, this again?

54:18 So, Penny proposed, you didn't say yes,

54:21 and now you think you may have lost her love forever.

54:23 How does this compare to me being forced to relax for a few days?

54:29 IT DOESN'T.

54:30 THANK YOU.

54:34 I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO PENNY.

54:35 I'M GOING TO go inside, put on my coziest pajamas,

54:38 curl up with a good book, and wait for this nightmare to be over.

54:46 Penny.

54:52 [laughter]

54:55 Sorry.

54:57 Hi.

54:58 Hey.

54:58 Look, I'm sorry I didn't text you back.

55:00 I just needed some time to think.

55:01 Okay.

55:02 Yeah, come in.

55:02 [clears throat] Look, if you want to break up, just say it.

55:05 Leonard.

55:06 No, no, no, no, no.

55:06 I take it back.

55:07 Don't say it.

55:07 Just just hate me, but stay with me.

55:09 It worked for my parents.

55:14 [laughter] Listen, I don't want to break up with you.

55:16 Oh, okay, okay.

55:19 [laughter]

55:19 Good.

55:19 Good.

55:20 So, it's cool if I cry a little?

55:24 Yeah, I probably wouldn't.

55:26 Yeah.

55:29 Look, you did the right thing last night.

55:31 I was a mess.

55:32 I was just frustrated because my career is going nowhere.

55:35 I get it.

55:36 And I want you to know that I support whatever you want to do.

55:39 Great.

55:40 Cuz I've been thinking, if I really want this acting thing to work,

55:43 I need to focus all my energy on it.

55:45 And to do [sighs] that, I should quit waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory.

55:50 Wow.

55:51 That that's a big step.

55:53 So, uh before making any rash quit.

55:56 And I support you.

55:58 [laughter] WHAT'S GOING ON?

56:00 UH nothing's going on.

56:01 Excuse me.

56:02 Are you just getting home?

56:04 Yeah.

56:04 That's a good sign, right?

56:08 OH, YEAH.

56:08 I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

56:12 YOU SOLD YOURSELF OUT LIKE A COMMON STREET WALKER.

56:16 NO, I DIDN'T DO IT for the money.

56:18 She stiffed you?

56:21 I believe that's what your roommate did to her.

56:24 What?

56:25 Again, read the book we gave you.

56:32 Sheldon, there he is.

56:33 The man of the hour.

56:34 He took ONE FOR THE TEAM.

56:40 I DIDN'T [laughter] DO IT FOR THE MONEY.

56:43 [applause and cheering] KEEP telling yourself that.

56:43 It makes it easier.

56:46 Trust me, I know.

56:49 Good buddy, that's awesome.

56:52 Um okay, tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm

56:55 on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.

56:59 Got it.

57:01 Is it going to be in 3D?

57:04 [laughter] What?

57:04 I don't know.

57:04 It doesn't matter.

57:05 I'm going to say 3D.

57:06 That'll let her know the studio has faith in it.

57:12 You're kidding.

57:12 3D?

57:16 THAT'S WHAT I HEAR.

57:17 The studio must have real faith in it.

57:21 [laughter] Why she didn't tell me?

57:24 Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?

57:26 No.

57:29 [laughter] Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you?

57:32 Well, it's not as much of a surprise as the way I I I you know,

57:37 uh the the the the the the other thing.

57:41 What other thing?

57:42 Well, you you if if if you uh I don't uh What's the word I'm looking for?

57:50 I'm not going to help you.

57:51 This is hilarious.

57:56 Oh, hey Sheldon.

57:58 Hello.

58:04 [laughter] You okay?

58:08 I'm on vacation.

58:09 What do you think?

58:12 Why are you sitting in the stairwell?

58:15 Leonard told me to stay.

58:18 Oh.

58:19 Well, good boy.

58:22 [laughter] Where are you going?

58:24 Uh a ton of errands to run.

58:25 I need to make copies of my headshots, send them off to agents,

58:27 and uh sign up for a new acting class.

58:30 Have fun.

58:31 Okay.

58:38 You want to come with me?

58:40 Really?

58:42 Come on.

58:42 COME ON.

58:43 LET'S GO.

58:45 [laughter] COME ON.

58:44 COME ON.

58:47 AND THE ABSENCE OF SIDE EFFECTS MEANS THAT Inflammanex

58:50 can be taken in conjunction with other medications.

58:53 It's a brand new day.

58:55 Such a good tagline.

58:55 I forgot who came up with that.

58:57 You did.

58:58 That's right, I did.

59:01 Okay, I know it's late, and we're working you guys really hard,

59:03 so I have a little treat for you.

59:04 We get to go home?

59:06 No, you get to stay here and get vitamin B12 shots.

59:10 Oh my god, you guys are still here?

59:13 We're happy to be here.

59:14 It's a brand new day.

59:16 It's 12:15.

59:18 It's literally a brand new day.

59:21 Everybody go home.

59:25 [laughter] All right, fine.

59:24 Go.

59:25 Get out of here.

59:26 Go on.

59:28 I think things are going pretty do Are

59:31 you aware that Dave's in the break room crying?

59:33 Yeah, I told him if he's going to be a crybaby go to the breakroom.

59:36 I just really want to be prepared for this conference.

59:38 You're going to do great.

59:40 You really think so?

59:41 Of course, they're scared of you, you're scared of me.

59:43 The system works.

59:55 [music]