SOTS Tammy's Cruise: Ms. Crystal (Libbie Higgins), King Bo, Rafe Williams & Jeremiah Watkins | Ep 96

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0:39 [music] [music]

0:51 [music] [cheering] TAMMY'S BONDU PARTY.

1:03 HOW WE DOING?

1:07 [cheering] Welcome to Stand Up on the Spot.

1:11 I'm your host, Jeremiah Watkins, and this is how the show works.

1:16 [cheering] We the comedians are coming up on stage with no prepared material.

1:24 We're going to ask you the audience for suggestions.

1:25 You're going to yell stuff out.

1:26 We're create stand up on the spot based off those suggestions.

1:28 Who's ready to kick it off?

1:30 What do you say?

1:30 Huh?

1:33 [cheering] [applause] Okay.

1:36 What do we got maybe in this section right here?

1:39 On a cruise.

1:40 Hooking up with a stranger on a cruise.

1:43 Yeah.

1:45 Uh, I heard that somebody got their first kiss

1:47 on this cruise and that made me so happy.

1:52 That made me so happy, right?

1:56 Uh, I'm hoping that like uh they also got blown.

2:01 But I'm hoping that was tip of the iceberg.

2:06 You know what I'm saying?

2:07 I'm hoping that that was day one and then by day three he's like,

2:10 "Yeah, I I ran a train on an old woman.

2:14 I [cheering] Can you imagine that trajectory?

2:19 You join the cruise as being this virgin.

2:22 By the end, you're just like, "Yeah,

2:23 [snorts] I've seen some stuff." Yeah, the cruise was pretty insane.

2:31 Oh, no.

2:32 I'm going to be on the next one for sure.

2:36 Just like all these dudes like on blogs like,

2:39 "Dude, you got to go on this cruise.

2:41 You will lose your virginity and you

2:43 will see a thousand boobs." [cheering] [applause]

2:52 Uh, what else we got?

2:53 Maybe over here.

2:56 Uh, okay.

2:56 [laughter] Uh, what was this over here?

3:02 Fat.

3:01 Fat.

3:02 Love them.

3:02 Um.

3:04 [laughter] Uh, what do we got?

3:05 Family stabbing.

3:06 What was this?

3:07 Family stabbing.

3:08 A family stabbing.

3:19 Is that on the Olive Garden secret menu?

3:23 [cheering] Listen, we're going to get that.

3:24 When you're here, you come on over.

3:28 Bring your brother, bring your sister.

3:30 Not a problem.

3:31 A family stabbing.

3:33 Now, you said that like it's a turn of phrase that we're all familiar with.

3:38 [laughter] Where where are you coming from, brother?

3:42 Oklahoma City.

3:42 Okay, that makes sense.

3:44 [cheering] That sound That sounds like they don't have science there yet.

3:49 [laughter] And you know,

3:51 like how barbers used to have like

3:53 bloodletting like like you would go down like,

3:55 "Yeah, every year our family gets stabbed.

3:58 [laughter] It's you go to the DMV, you know, it's not a problem.

4:02 you know, you get your license.

4:03 It's not a big deal.

4:04 It's great.

4:05 It's great.

4:06 Uh what what do we got over here?

4:10 Harry.

4:10 Okay.

4:10 So, so far, um we're getting Fat[ __] and Harry Py.

4:16 Love them both.

4:20 Uh

4:20 what was this?

4:21 Woody Allen.

4:22 Woody Allen.

4:32 Uh I mean what a creepy babysitter, huh?

4:44 But I I No, no, no.

4:45 I It's not Tourette's Fest.

4:50 Let's the Let the comics stew on it a bit.

4:55 We'll work our magic with the suggestions.

4:57 I'm trying to make Woody Allen funny.

4:59 [laughter] Uh I I had a babysitter that I was in love

5:05 with and I would have loved her to Woody Allen [laughter] me.

5:18 Uh what else we got?

5:20 What was that?

5:22 Amish.

5:23 Dude, I get that a lot.

5:26 But I'm I'm I'm talking into a microphone.

5:28 I can't be Amish right now.

5:30 Uh some of the fastest moving people I've

5:33 seen in my entire life are Amish people.

5:36 Have you ever seen an Amish person fully?

5:39 [laughter] Have you ever seen them?

5:45 [laughter] I remember as a kid we were driving on the highway.

5:50 My dad was literally like 60 miles an hour and somehow this Amish.

5:56 [laughter] It was literally horsepower versus actual horsepower.

6:04 [laughter] It was incredible.

6:05 I'm like, the Amish can do anything.

6:08 And that got me thinking.

6:09 I'm like, if they move that fast with a horse,

6:12 I mean, they got to be demons in the sack.

6:17 They don't have electricity.

6:19 They don't have anything else.

6:20 I mean, the ladies just churn butter all day.

6:25 [cheering] [applause] [cheering] Oh, I can't believe it's not butter.

6:40 You guys ready to kick off the show?

6:42 What do you say?

6:42 Huh?

6:46 [cheering and applause] Guys, you are killing it as a crowd.

6:49 Let's keep this momentum going.

6:51 Uh without further ado, uh this next performer coming to the stage,

6:54 one of my personal favorite comics in the world.

6:58 So grateful she's here with us.

6:59 The one, the only Miss Crystal.

7:03 [music] [cheering] [music and cheering] [cheering and music] [cheering]

7:24 Oh my god, what a It was a beautiful moment.

7:27 Then I just saw some guy's butthole.

7:30 [cheering] I didn't get a lot of information,

7:36 but he told me to stand on the spot, and there is no spot up here.

7:40 So, where do I [laughter] He just said go stand on a spot for 10 minutes.

7:46 So, let's let's begin.

7:54 [cheering] [applause]

7:58 All right, let me walk over here and see

7:59 if I can get a couple words from these people.

8:11 Is this the same chick who's like Woody Allen?

8:15 [cheering] Family stabbing.

8:19 [laughter] We need to get this girl's picture and get her off on the next porch.

8:27 And is pretty cool though.

8:28 You know, it's you don't have to test

8:32 your family for any STI cuz they're your family.

8:35 You know, you keep it in the family.

8:37 Hey, don't get mad at me.

8:38 She said it.

8:41 I'm working with what I got here.

8:45 Yeah.

8:45 I loveing my dad.

8:46 So, I don't know what else to say about this.

8:51 I really love making love to my family members.

8:54 It is beautiful.

8:58 Staying away from that weirdo section over there.

9:03 Dead parents.

9:07 Hemorrhoids.

9:08 Hemorrhoids.

9:11 Okay, listen.

9:11 I'm getting over STEMI already.

9:13 Just throw a cup.

9:14 I heard a hemorrhoid.

9:16 And yes, I do have a hemorrhoid.

9:18 And I feel personally attacked by that.

9:20 And the thing with hemorrhoids is is they say, "Oh,

9:25 it is from sitting on the toilet too long." No, it's from me doing constantly.

9:32 [cheering] Thank you.

9:35 Thank you for clapping for that.

9:37 [applause]

9:38 We love

9:39 the butthole guy said we love.

9:42 [laughter] One time I was doing with a gentleman

9:48 and his name is Harry and [cheering] [applause]

9:55 and right as I came the unimaginable bull happened.

10:00 I[ __] on his dick and

10:05 why you acting surprised __] happens and[ __] happens and I he proceeded to run

10:12 to the restroom and uh he was gagging and I

10:17 said why didn't you stop and he said I

10:19 wanted to get my nut so his let's move on.

10:22 Um they didn't he didn't say come out and tell true stories.

10:28 Um Let's get another one.

10:33 Roadhead.

10:35 Roadhead.

10:35 Roadhead is particularly good for me cuz I could take my teeth out.

10:38 There is no [applause and cheering]

10:42 There is no chance I'm going to bite a man's dick off.

10:45 Let's be honest.

10:46 The only bad thing is is when I'm driving and giving head,

10:50 I cannot do the Tennessee tornado.

10:52 I am just you know [laughter] it takes a lot of coordination you know

11:02 [laughter] you'd think he would just drive

11:07 you know it's like you want roadhead why

11:10 don't you drive brother [applause and cheering]

11:19 [cheering] [applause] you you guys are a wonderful

11:22 crowd and I feel like you clap at almost anything I would say up here.

11:25 [cheering] Let me get something from the top right there.

11:36 Okay.

11:36 Can we get some sort of teleprompter?

11:38 All I hear is one more time.

11:44 [screaming] Threesome.

11:47 Listen guys, I know it's the last day of the cruise,

11:50 but I would like to deter you from having a threesome with a gal because

11:54 your wife is not going to like it when you give that[ __] one extra pump.

12:00 You give her one extra slap,

12:02 your wife's going to be like, "Oh, that's how it is.

12:06 You want to marry her now?

12:10 You gave me three pumps.

12:12 Damn four.

12:16 That's what's going to happen.

12:18 I actually saw a fellow last night and I don't

12:20 know if y'all saw the dating show the other day,

12:24 but contestant number two that I did not pick.

12:28 [cheering] Oh god, he's right there.

12:35 [cheering and applause] Damn.

12:39 [cheering] So apparently there was a rumor that these guys put out the all post.

12:45 Hey, we're looking for a third.

12:47 Okay,

12:49 this mother at 3:30 at night, no shoes going down the hallway.

12:54 Hey, anybody got a condom?

12:59 Hard as hell.

13:04 [cheering] I'm like, brother, what's going on?

13:08 We got a third and she wants me to use a condom.

13:10 I said, "You're going to have to raw dog it, buddy." He said,

13:12 "No, I need a condom." Then he runs to somebody else.

13:16 Y'all got a condom.

13:19 Did you end up How many pumps did you give the other girl?

13:24 The exact amount.

13:25 Good job, brother.

13:26 [applause] Your wife's sitting there like,

13:33 "You justing wait till we get home,[ __] We're on the international seas now,

13:38 but we're getting a divorce.

13:44 [laughter] I'm happy for you, but it should have been me,[ __] [applause]

13:54 Let me get a Are there people up there?

13:56 Y'ALL GOT SOMETHING UP THERE?

13:59 Taco seasoning body.

14:07 body.

14:16 [laughter] What?

14:21 Which one?

14:22 Like the old El Paso one?

14:23 What are the different There's different types.

14:27 Great value.

14:30 Great.

14:29 Great value.

14:33 I don't have nothing to say about that.

14:34 I don't even know what the hell's going on up here.

14:38 Let me get something else over here.

14:42 Dirty talk.

14:45 Dirty.

14:45 I heard Did I hear dirty talk?

14:48 I love dirty talk because you can be anything you want to be, right?

14:52 [cheering] Everybody knows that my[ __] is loose.

14:57 But I'm going to reenact me getting Oh yeah.

15:00 you like that tight LITTLE [applause] and the guy's like,

15:09 "What' you say?" I said,

15:13 "You like that little tiny little pink?" [laughter] He's like,

15:22 "Yeah, why don't you grab my little He's like, okay.

15:34 [cheering] Love dirty talk." [applause and cheering] Like,

15:42 "Yeah, I love my biological father." He's like, "Stop.

15:48 [cheering]

15:51 Stop.

15:53 Let me take one more.

15:54 I haven't seen

16:02 the

16:03 You're going to send me into another realm cuz I can't hear.

16:06 [cheering]

16:08 Let me just walk over here and listen.

16:13 Gentle.

16:12 Gentle parenting.

16:15 There should be no parenting.

16:17 There shouldn't be no children allowed anymore on this earth.

16:23 [cheering] They're they're horrible.

16:28 And I'm sorry if you have kids, but they're just the worst.

16:31 Like, you have to uh feed them.

16:36 Every time you want to go somewhere, you have to put them in a car seat.

16:40 Kids

16:46 [cheering]

16:45 Not not the Jeffrey Epstein uh kids, but you know, them I can't stand them.

16:52 And kids love me.

16:53 I don't know why.

16:53 If it's cuz I'm like a big fluffy mattress or something.

16:57 I don't Miss Crystal, Miss Crystal,

17:00 can we come over and have your delicious jello- pudding?

17:02 Get the out of my yard, kid.

17:06 I'm trying to suck off a Latino man.

17:14 [cheering] [applause] You guys are so stupid.

17:18 We are so dumb.

17:20 We are so dumb.

17:21 Is that the light?

17:22 Is this a light guy?

17:23 Oh god.

17:23 I'm just waiting for the light man to come up here.

17:27 You guys, I'm not going to take another suggestion,

17:29 but I'm going to bring Jeremiah back up here and me

17:31 and him are going to do a couple little things together.

17:33 JEREMIAH, COME ON OUT.

17:36 Love Jeremiah.

17:37 [cheering] THIS IS HIS SHOW.

17:40 HE CREATED THIS WITH his own mind.

17:42 KEEP IT GOING for the legend, Miss Crystal.

17:46 [cheering] Thank you.

17:51 Thank you.

17:52 Thank you so much.

17:53 A standing ovation, Miss Crystal.

17:56 Is that Miss Tammy?

17:58 Yeah.

17:58 Yeah, that's a that's a Tammy lookalike right there.

18:01 Hey guys, Tammy there.

18:06 [laughter]

18:06 Uh yeah, you know, uh Miss Crystal from her epic mukbangs.

18:11 [cheering] Uh you know her from the podcast Trailer Tales.

18:15 Trailer Tales.

18:16 Thank you.

18:16 [cheering]

18:18 Thank you.

18:21 Uh

18:20 I also have a fans from Miss Crystal's podcast program.

18:26 Thank you.

18:26 [cheering] Thank you.

18:31 Yes.

18:31 Crystal Creations.

18:33 Crystal's Creations LLC.

18:36 Now available on eBay, right?

18:38 Yep.

18:38 And it is a business.

18:40 Do not be confused.

18:40 It is absolutely a business.

18:44 Right.

18:43 No laundering of money happening at all.

18:45 So don't think that.

18:47 [laughter] So Miss Crystal and I are going to take a few

18:50 suggestions and see what we can do with them together.

18:52 So uh what do we got?

18:58 I suck the guy into lesbians.

19:02 Um, well, let's take lesbians real quick.

19:05 Big fan.

19:07 Uh, Miss Crystal, have you had any recent lesbian encounters?

19:13 She stood me up.

19:21 Teresa, what the are you doing here?

19:24 [applause] I can't get away from them.

19:29 I do.

19:30 And I pride myself in being able to lick a I know how to do it, David.

19:34 Uh Jeremiah, [cheering] [applause] I was going into a different realm.

19:44 [cheering]

19:45 You were You were thinking about Dave Gunther in another realm.

19:48 I was not thinking about Dave Gunther.

19:50 [cheering] And I I you know,

19:57 I went lesbian for a while cuz I thought, "Oh, I'm tired of men.

20:01 Men are this, men are that." And you know what?

20:04 I was dating this gal for 3 days and she

20:06 drove a U-Haul up on the third day and was like,

20:09 "I think you're my forever." I'm like,

20:11 "I don't think so." Lesbians attached quickly.

20:17 Uh

20:19 yeah, I had uh I had an aunt named Teresa.

20:26 Yeah, I had I had an aunt named Teresa and I

20:28 remember uh it was one of the first uh roast jokes

20:32 I ever said about a family member is she had uh

20:36 like oxygen tubes and she had like a rascal scooter and

20:41 all women named Teresa do, by the way.

20:44 And I and I told my mom that her sister looked like Darth Vader with a mullet.

20:48 [laughter] And my mom was like, "Bubby,

20:52 don't say that." But that's [clears throat] hilarious.

20:54 [laughter] Wait, your mom calls you Bubby?

20:59 Yeah, my mom.

21:01 I'm a mama's boy.

21:02 I

21:02 That is precious.

21:04 [cheering and applause] That is precious.

21:06 If you didn't If you couldn't tell by the haircut, I'm a mama's boy.

21:10 All right.

21:11 Well, you guys should have gave him the one, not me.

21:14 This is the mommy's boy over here.

21:18 Did you hear them yell out in to me?

21:20 Just this whole section was yelling out the wildest things.

21:25 I mean, some people are yelling some wild stuff today.

21:28 And that's the that's the boat.

21:30 It's uh that's what happens.

21:33 What uh what do we got?

21:34 Maybe uh

21:34 guy with Okay.

21:36 What was this?

21:37 I sucked a guy off with Tourette's.

21:39 You sucked a guy off with Tourette's.

21:42 Did he just keep saying, "I'm coming.

21:44 I'm coming.

21:45 I'm coming.

21:45 I'm coming.

21:45 I'm coming.

21:46 I'm coming.

21:46 I'm coming.

21:47 I'm coming.

21:47 I'm I'm coming." Like, how long did he

21:51 Did that last longer than the nut [laughter] him telling you about it?

21:56 Did he have Tourette's before you started sucking him?

21:59 [laughter] [cheering] [applause]

22:02 Are you Miss Crystal has been known to make a man speak Japanese?

22:07 Yes.

22:07 [cheering]

22:09 [applause] So he actually never really talked like it was a hookup.

22:13 It was in my whole phase back in 2019.

22:16 And

22:18 so you never you never talked until you started hooking up.

22:22 Well on an app.

22:24 An app, right?

22:24 Yeah.

22:25 And you don't have ticks on an app.

22:26 So he would have never known.

22:28 He just started texting random slurs.

22:30 You're like, "That's that's weird.

22:32 Hey, I want to eat your like It's like you're bald.

22:36 You're done.

22:37 You're bald.

22:38 You're bald.

22:39 My dad sucks.

22:40 You're like, "What?" That it's weird ticks.

22:46 That's what Tourette's is.

22:47 It's stuff they don't want to say.

22:50 Right.

22:50 Like, I want to come.

22:51 He didn't want to say that.

22:52 He says, "I'm coming.

22:54 I'm coming." He didn't want to come.

22:55 Right.

22:56 You were doing so good at it.

22:57 He did, but it took about 10 minutes.

22:59 What was the final tick when he did come?

23:02 He said, "You bitch." That's so funny

23:07 to say that while you're prematurely ejaculating is,

23:11 "Oh, are you bitch?" [laughter]

23:14 I don't think that was a tick.

23:15 I think that was just him saying, "Fuck you, bitch."

23:19 And then he's like, "Sorry, I have Tourette's." Later, [laughter]

23:26 then you see him at a bar a couple weeks later, no ticking at all.

23:29 He's just like, "Hey guys, what's up?

23:30 How you doing?

23:31 How you doing?

23:32 I see you.

23:34 [laughter] He got Yeah, you got GOT PUT him on the got got cam.

23:45 Yeah.

23:44 Uh let's grab one last suggestion.

23:52 Ingrown hairs.

23:52 And what was this one over here?

23:57 A chair.

23:58 A chair.

24:03 or having sex at a funeral home [laughter]

24:07 with the with the dead people or just at the funeral home.

24:13 Hey, open casket, open legs.

24:22 David, if I pass, Jeremiah,

24:25 if I pass I was traveling to a realm, [cheering] Jeremiah,

24:35 if I pass, I give you permission if you're not married to uh stick it in me.

24:41 [cheering]

24:44 I'm giving you consent right now.

24:47 I'll tell my wife that that you're my dead whole ass.

24:51 [laughter] Guys, give it up for Miss Crystal.

24:58 [cheering] [applause] [cheering] [applause]

25:09 Are we having a good time, ladies and gentlemen?

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25:50 It's not even moving right now." And I'm like, "Hold on." Huh?

25:54 Give me a sec.

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28:05 I picked up this big old fat girl.

28:07 She was so hot and we all in my car all night.

28:10 All the times you'd say that, you were[ __]

28:12 lying cuz I can barely move inside this car.

28:15 Pretend you got a fat girl back there.

28:16 Go.

28:17 Oh yeah.

28:19 Oh yeah.

28:20 Oh.

28:21 Oh yeah.

28:22 What was that?

28:23 Oh yeah.

28:24 Don't do that.

28:26 Oh yeah.

28:27 Oh yeah.

28:28 You clap with your feet when YOU'RE DOING IT.

28:33 [cheering] [applause]

28:34 YOUR NEXT comedian come to the stage I've recently become

28:36 friends with and he's such a joy to be around.

28:38 He has amassed millions of views online with his characters and sketches.

28:41 He's here for you right now making his stand up on the spot debut.

28:44 Please welcome my new friend and yours, Bo, to the stage, ladies and gentlemen.

28:48 [music] [cheering] [music and cheering] How you doing tonight?

29:01 Oh [screaming] yeah.

29:03 PUT your Oh my god.

29:06 All right.

29:06 SIT YOUR NASTY ASSES DOWN BEFORE WE GET pink high.

29:11 HOW YOU BIG, BEAUTIFUL[ __] DO IT TONIGHT.

29:16 OH [screaming] YES.

29:18 I CAN SMELL HEPATITIS OUT IN THE CROWD RIGHT NOW.

29:22 ALL RIGHT.

29:22 [screaming] GIVE ME A SUGGESTION.

29:23 LET'S GO.

29:27 A PIERCING.

29:29 THAT'S DISGUSTING.

29:30 NOW REALLY THINK ABOUT IT.

29:32 IMAGINE you sucking dick, right?

29:35 YOU SPIT ON IT AND YOU JUST GOING IN LIKE,

29:39 "OKAY." [panting] AND ALL OF A SUDDEN YOUR BIG ASS

29:44 THROAT LATCHES ONTO HIS ring and all of A SUDDEN

29:48 YOUR YUGULA RIPS OUT AND NOW BLOOD SPLATTER OVER

29:50 HIS AND NOW YOU GOT A BLOODY MERRY COCKTAIL ON YOUR FACE.

29:56 GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE SO WE CAN HELP this[ __] get to med school or something.

30:00 [cheering] Huh?

30:03 Your mom's a Christian?

30:06 She's in.

30:07 Okay.

30:09 Well, was she for murder?

30:13 DAMN.

30:13 OKAY.

30:15 WHO DID SHE MURDER?

30:16 Your father.

30:20 Huh?

30:20 Oh, okay.

30:21 So, we have some depression IN THE CROWD.

30:23 OKAY.

30:24 [cheering] WHAT THE?

30:26 SO, HOW ARE YOU?

30:27 ARE YOU MENTALLY OKAY?

30:28 ARE YOU STABLE?

30:29 I mean, I'M HERE.

30:30 SO, YOU WANT SOMEBODY TO MURDER YOUR[ __] TONIGHT IS what I'm hearing.

30:34 [cheering]

30:35 NO, I'M SERIOUS.

30:36 EVERYBODY, LET'S do the work of the Lord and murder that bitch's[ __] tonight.

30:41 JUST IN REMEMBRANCE OF HER MOTHER.

30:43 AMEN.

30:48 AMEN.

30:47 ALL RIGHT, give me another one.

30:52 WHOA.

30:52 WHAT?

30:53 [laughter] WAIT, HOLD ON.

30:54 Hold on.

30:55 What did you do?

30:56 I found my mom's dildo.

30:58 You found your mom's dildo, Y'ALL.

31:01 OH MY GOD.

31:03 WHEN I WAS 7 YEARS OLD, WHEN I WAS MOM I KNEW.

31:08 SEE, HERE'S THE THING.

31:09 ALL OUR PARENTS used to be[ __] or pimps.

31:13 MY MOM WAS A HOE.

31:15 OKAY, I'M 7 YEARS OLD, WALKING IN MY MOM'S BEDROOM, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,

31:20 I see this picture on my STEPDAD'S COUNTER OF MY MOM'S with her boobs like this.

31:27 [cheering] And guess who TOOK THE PICTURE?

31:29 MY AUNT WILMA.

31:31 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TYPE

31:34 OF WHITE[ __] THAT WAS, BUT I ALMOST PUKED.

31:39 BUT MY MOM DOES HAVE PERFECT T.

31:41 I'M JUST going to say it LIKE THAT.

31:43 ALL RIGHT.

31:45 [laughter] OH, I HOPE I DON'T GO TO HELL FOR THAT ONE.

31:54 Karao karaoke.

31:56 Hey.

31:58 All right, shut the up.

31:59 Talk about some karaoke.

32:00 All right, next one.

32:03 Pee on you.

32:06 I actually listen.

32:07 That's too personal.

32:09 What?

32:10 What?

32:12 Body.

32:12 Body.

32:12 What?

32:13 Body paint.

32:14 Body paint.

32:15 No.

32:15 All right.

32:16 Yours.

32:16 What?

32:18 Kids.

32:19 I[ __] hate kids.

32:20 I'mma be soing honest with you.

32:22 IING HATE KIDS.

32:24 WHO HAS KIDS in here?

32:27 Right.

32:27 Right.

32:28 ALL Y'ALL.

32:29 BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING.

32:30 Y'ALL[ __] AND BASTARDS THINK Y'ALL KIDS SO GODDAMN CUTE AND THEY'REING DEMONS.

32:35 OKAY.

32:37 I'M GETTING [screaming] MY ASS ON A PLANE AND I GOT TO SIT IN THE MIDDLE.

32:41 I'M SQUITTING OVER.

32:42 LET'S GET ANOTHER.

32:43 THIS KID SAYING, "DOES HE HAVE TO SIT HERE?" I'm playing Epstein.

32:50 All right, give me another one.

32:55 Huh?

32:56 [laughter] Autism.

33:03 Um, okay.

33:07 Uh, yeah, we love autism.

33:10 YEAH, WE DO.

33:11 I HAD A FRIEND NAMED ARIEL WHO WAS undiagnosed autism.

33:15 And my mom's an RN, so I feel like

33:16 I can diagnose the[ __] with autism [laughter] because B,

33:20 let me TELL YOU SOMETHING.

33:22 IT IT WOULD JUST BE US SITTING AND CHILLING, RIGHT?

33:24 We sitting, we vibing, we smoking.

33:26 All of a sudden, this[ __] just starts skipping.

33:30 [laughter] [cheering] SIT YOUR DUMB ASS DOWN SOMEWHERE BEFORE YOU TRIP AND FALL,

33:41 YOU BIG[ __] And it's always THE PEOPLE THAT YOU KNOW HAVE AUTISM.

33:46 [screaming] YOU'RE LIKE, "I AIN'T GOT NO AUTISM." YOU LITERALLY SAT IN A CORNER,

33:50 PUT SOME AIRPODS IN, WATCHED a movie, AND WE'RE AT A CHURCH.

33:54 WHAT?

33:56 __] YOU'RE STMMING RIGHT NOW.

33:57 OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

34:02 [laughter] PIRATES.

34:08 Black what?

34:11 Okay.

34:12 [laughter] No, honestly.

34:15 No, we're doing it.

34:16 Don't even worry about it.

34:18 I love you white people.

34:20 You You pink beige[ __] [clears throat] But let me tell y'all something.

34:29 When a white person, this is how you know the craziest white people.

34:35 As soon as you're in the club, right, and them[ __] had ALL THE MODELLOS,

34:40 THE SHOTS IN THE WORLD, and you [screaming] hear WOO WOO.

34:47 [screaming] [cheering] There he is right there.

34:53 THIS THIS MOTHER GOES UP TO THE DJ and requests just one song, dude.

35:01 CAN YOU PUT ON MOAMA CHECK?

35:05 WHAT THE are you talking about?

35:08 White people[ __] is funny, but honestly,

35:10 Y'ALL DO[ __] THAT[ __] WOULD NEVER DO.

35:15 JUMPING OUT OF JUMPING out of planes and[ __]

35:20 Snorting off OF PEOPLE'S AND[ __] Y'ALL HAVING FUN?

35:24 [screaming] [cheering]

35:28 I'MMA BRING OUT JEREMIAH.

35:29 LET'S GO, [cheering] [applause] GUYS.

35:38 Keep it going for Bo.

35:39 Come on.

35:43 That was his first time doing stand up on the spot.

35:46 [cheering] Thank you.

35:47 Thank you.

35:48 A natural.

35:49 A natural.

35:51 [applause] Uh B.

35:52 How you doing, man?

35:54 __] I'm doing pretty good.

35:55 How are you doing?

35:56 I'm doing great.

35:57 I'm loving this.

36:00 Thank you.

36:01 Much gracias.

36:03 So, we'll uh Now that this gay guy has Tourette's, you're famous.

36:09 [laughter] [laughter] Let's grab a few suggestions together.

36:20 See what we can uh what we can do with them.

36:22 All right.

36:23 [screaming] What was this one?

36:24 Young stepmoms.

36:26 Young stepmoms.

36:27 Young stepmoms.

36:29 OH MY GOD.

36:31 I[ __] SOMEBODY IN THIS UH CASTLE.

36:33 NO, WE'RE IN A BOAT.

36:34 IS SOMEBODY IN THIS?

36:36 [laughter] I love the idea that he's just finding out

36:42 today this is a ship [laughter] and not a castle.

36:47 [cheering] Like 4 days in, he's like, "Wait, wait, wait.

36:53 This thing's been moving."[ __] I'VE BEEN ROLLING THIS WHOLE TIME.

37:00 ROLL TIDE.

37:04 OKAY.

37:04 NO, but there is this young stepmom that looks like she's 18.

37:09 And I was like, she walked up.

37:10 She's like, "Hey, Bo, this is my daughter." And I was like,

37:13 "Huh?" She look at my stepdaughter.

37:15 And the[ __] IS ALMOST THE SAME AGE.

37:20 REALLY?

37:20 REALLY?

37:20 That's crazy.

37:21 Really?

37:21 Watch your friends.

37:22 IF YOU GOT A MAN, DON'T LET THAT[ __] AROUND YOUR MAN.

37:27 CUZ AS SOON AS YOU CALL HER, BABY GIRL, he hit me.

37:32 It's all right, baby.

37:33 Come over.

37:33 While you sleep, SHE IN THERE SUCKING THAT NIGGA'S DICK.

37:36 I'm telling you.

37:38 Took the words right out of my mouth.

37:40 It's spiritual.

37:43 [laughter] It's spiritual.

37:44 It's almost biblical, honestly.

37:48 Oh, what else we got?

37:53 Smoking weed.

37:55 Oh god, you got you bought some uh cigars.

37:58 Oh, I can't smoke them cuz I I can't smoke weed.

38:01 The last time I got so high I drove on the wrong side of the freeway.

38:06 I'M DEAD ASS.

38:07 NO ON GO.

38:08 I SWEAR TO JESUS CHRIST.

38:10 I I'm smugg I haven't smoked in like years.

38:15 So, I'm like smuggling with my friend.

38:16 All of a sudden, I start driving.

38:18 I'm like, "Why are the signs backwards?

38:22 What the going on?" I'm like, "Okay." AND I'M JUST LIKE,

38:27 I'LL AND THEN I WOULD STOP AT a light behind and I'm like,

38:31 "I'll just go when I think it should turn." [laughter] [cheering] Mind you,

38:39 I'm listening to Fast CAR BY TRACY CHAPMAN.

38:44 I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING 90 MPH.

38:47 I GET ON THAT FREEWAY, ALL THE[ __] CARS are coming towards me.

38:51 I zoom over to the left.

38:53 I was going 10 miles hour the whole time.

38:59 Wow.

38:58 10 miles,[ __] I can't do weed like that.

39:01 I just got to keep eating.

39:03 Yeah.

39:04 I feel like this is like a like a 60s propaganda for anti-weed.

39:08 Like do like do you want to be driving on the wrong side of the road?

39:13 Just one puff from Mary Jane will set your life in the wrong direction.

39:17 No, for real.

39:18 NO.

39:18 HONESTLY, SOME WEED WILL HAVE YOUR BIG ASS SEEING NOISES JUST ALL UP HAVING

39:24 synthia thinking you seeing colors and[ __]

39:26 and it's just diabetes sprinkling in your fingers.

39:35 [laughter] [cheering] [laughter] We don't do that.

39:46 What's that?

39:47 That[ __] had to have been laced.

39:48 Marijuana doesn't do that to you.

39:50 Well, it probably was.

39:52 You might not have had really good weed before then.

39:57 What's that?

39:58 I'm from Washington State.

39:59 I've had some really good ass weed.

40:01 And we

40:03 I think you need to smoke weed so you quiet down a little bit.

40:07 [cheering]

40:08 NO, THAT'S OKAY.

40:09 I'VE HAD THE BEST WEED EVER.

40:11 [screaming] YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH WEED I'VE

40:15 I'M FROM[ __] Washington state.

40:18 [screaming]

40:18 THE STATE,[ __] I GOT WEED FROM JAMAICA.

40:23 OKAY, [cheering] THAT'S MY THE PROBLEM WAS I WAS SMOKING BOB MARLEY'S.

40:28 THAT'S WHY I was so goddamn high.

40:30 His semen RETENTION WAS ALL[ __] MY HEAD UP.

40:34 [laughter] Semen retention should not be a phrase.

40:39 [laughter] Oh yeah.

40:45 [laughter] I was trying to think of a Jamaican song,

40:51 [laughter] but it was a Nigerian song.

40:56 They don't look alike.

40:57 You guys, let's grab uh one last suggestion.

41:05 What was this over here?

41:09 I I've heard What was this over here?

41:13 YOU SAID BERIATRIC SURGERY.

41:15 NO, we really need to talk about that.

41:18 Listen, as a fat person, take your ass to the gym.

41:23 I SEE SO MANY PEOPLE get that surgery.

41:25 And if you got it in here, good.

41:27 But what is this surgery?

41:30 Fat[ __] surgery where you basically [cheering] No.

41:33 Oh, no.

41:34 Honestly, these skinny anorexic[ __] WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

41:38 BASICALLY, [cheering]

41:42 you basically they cut your stomach in half.

41:44 You go and you live your life.

41:46 You lose 100 pounds.

41:47 Right.

41:47 Right.

41:47 But you still look like aing goblin when all the fat's out.

41:51 All the loose skin.

41:52 Look, I Yeah, I would I would rather uh for sure be

41:57 with somebody who's like more comfortable in their own body than

42:01 __] YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE.

42:02 9,000 LBS.

42:04 NO, NO GODDAMN WAY.

42:06 BUT BUT I ALSO I don't the new version like you don't want to have

42:09 to put on a hoodie while you hook up with her with the loose skin, you know?

42:13 Honestly, I don't I don't think the loose cam WOULD

42:15 BE SO BAD BECAUSE I'M thinking if I'm[ __] Listen,

42:18 if I'ming cuz who was the fat[ __] in here?

42:23 [cheering] Y'ALL AIN'T LIT.

42:24 LISTEN, have you ever[ __] a fat[ __] Yeah.

42:27 No, you haven't.

42:28 You can tell.

42:30 First of all, IF HE FAT[ __] HIS be broken in half.

42:34 I have when my wife was pregnant twice.

42:37 [cheering] That's incest.

42:40 Um, okay.

42:43 Guys, give it go for

42:45 I love you guys.

42:48 [cheering] [applause] Love y'all.

42:53 [cheering] [applause]

43:00 Are we having a good time?

43:01 Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian come to the stage has

43:06 an amazing special on YouTube called Young Grandpa.

43:09 Uh he does radio in St.

43:11 Louis.

43:11 Uh he's an incredible character actor, sketch comedian, stand up comedian.

43:15 I love him.

43:15 He's been on stand up on the spot multiple

43:17 times and he is back for you here today.

43:19 Please welcome the great Rafe Williams to the stage.

43:23 [cheering] [music] [cheering] What's up?

43:36 Let's party.

43:40 God dang.

43:40 What a wonderful show.

43:44 My energy versus Bose's energy.

43:46 A little less.

43:47 I'm going to be honest with you.

43:49 That man is going to have a heart attack in about 14 seconds.

43:52 You just saw his final performance.

43:57 He was sweating like a Baptist preacher up here.

44:01 It was crazy.

44:02 That was crazy to watch back there.

44:04 I was worried about his emotional and physical health.

44:08 [laughter] That was insane.

44:10 Let's get it going.

44:11 What we got?

44:11 Give me a suggestion.

44:12 Let's get started, baby.

44:17 Hold up.

44:17 Hold up.

44:18 What' you say?

44:20 Pirates.

44:20 Pirates.

44:20 What else?

44:20 Give me somebody up there.

44:21 What' you say, guys?

44:25 Camel toe.

44:28 Sucking toes, which we've already had, but fine.

44:29 We're going to do it.

44:31 Hold on.

44:32 I'm good.

44:33 Save them.

44:34 I'm going to do more.

44:36 Chill out.

44:38 Do you want this whole show to be you guys?

44:39 just Tourette's yelling[ __] Like my whole set is just you guys being LIKE,

44:44 "OH, I A GUY ONE TIME.

44:46 ME, TOO.

44:48 Let me do the suggestions, man.

44:51 I got this." I got my toes sucked by them fish

44:55 yesterday at Maya del Cartel [laughter] or wherever the we were at.

45:03 Wherever we cartel de Costa Maya or whatever the we

45:09 all took our lives into our own hands by going in.

45:12 [laughter] That was crazy.

45:14 That was crazy.

45:15 [applause] I don't know if I believe in reincarnation, but if I do,

45:20 I hope I come back as one of them to sucking fish.

45:22 You know what I mean?

45:23 [cheering] Where you put your feet in the water

45:24 and they just these little fish were just I mean,

45:26 man, I got a big ass callous on the side of my big toe.

45:29 And I was like, man, these fish were working in shifts, DUDE.

45:33 LIKE, WOO, these fish had they had to call a foreman in.

45:36 It was crazy.

45:37 [laughter] These fish were sucking on the side of my callus.

45:40 And I'm like, I don't know if these there's enough fish in here.

45:43 They had to dump extra fish into the thing.

45:48 I don't know about sucking toes, man.

45:50 I'm more of a sucking man, personally.

45:54 Yeah, I like to suck the It's a nice challenge for all men to find.

45:59 I like that.

46:00 Big small.

46:02 I like them.

46:02 Well, not too big.

46:04 There is a There is I like a small, you know what I mean?

46:07 I like to have I like to go to work.

46:08 I'm like a truffle pig.

46:09 I get in there and I find it.

46:11 I find it.

46:12 It's a specialty of mine.

46:15 [laughter] There is a cut off where can be too big though.

46:18 Don't you agree?

46:19 Like if I mean ladies, I love you and I ain't no no body positivity,

46:23 but if I if it's the size of my pinky finger and I'm down there,

46:26 I'm like, "Oh[ __] Oh[ __] that is almost in my eye, dude.

46:31 That's crazy.

46:32 I'm just sucking a dick at this point.

46:34 And that's fine.

46:36 I'll suck it cuz I love you.

46:37 But damn.

46:40 [laughter] Put a rubber band around it.

46:42 Let the top fall off or something.

46:45 [cheering] [applause] Tie that[ __] off.

46:52 Walk around for a few days.

46:53 Fall off.

46:54 Make it a reasonable size.

46:56 I don't want to be intimidated by your co

46:58 like I don't even want to show you mine now.

47:02 [laughter] Let the top of yours fall off and put it on mine.

47:04 We all party.

47:05 Everything's good.

47:07 [laughter] All right, let me get a couple more.

47:11 In a church parking lot.

47:13 Do what?

47:14 In a church park.

47:14 I'm sensing a theme here, guys.

47:16 Uh [laughter] did you in a church parking lot?

47:19 Okay.

47:20 Do you need to talk to someone about it?

47:26 What else do we got besides in a church parking lot?

47:28 Dare program.

47:30 What' you say?

47:30 Dare program.

47:31 Dare program.

47:34 Dare to keep kids on drugs is what they should call that.

47:39 The dare program officer in my town got caught

47:42 uh taking pictures of women in the tanning salon.

47:46 I was like, I think we had the wrong guy on hanging around kids.

47:50 You know what I mean?

47:51 He literally got arrested for getting on a chair and sneaking pictures.

47:54 ladies while they were getting in the tanning beds at the local tanning salon.

47:57 I go, "That's Officer Mike, dude." He told me to stay off drugs.

48:01 I feel like he's on it.

48:03 [laughter] Who was the lady out here yelling about weed earlier?

48:06 Where you at?

48:08 I think you got weed and cocaine confused.

48:10 I was I was like, I think she thinks weed is cocaine.

48:14 She's like, I'VE DONE ALL THE BEST WEED.

48:18 I'M ON [screaming] WEED RIGHT NOW.

48:20 I like ma'am, that is for sure cocaine.

48:23 There's weed does not make you behave that way at all.

48:27 Weed makes you worry.

48:28 I can't smoke weed anymore, which sucks.

48:30 It pisses me off because I like I got sober

48:32 about 14 years ago and I tried to reintroduce That's okay.

48:37 I'm upset about it.

48:40 I tried to reintroduce weed to my diet,

48:42 but it had I'd taken too long of a break.

48:44 It had gotten too strong, man.

48:46 [laughter] You know what I mean?

48:47 It's like if you stop playing video games at Atari,

48:49 you don't jump back in at PlayStation 5.

48:52 It'll[ __] your[ __] up.

48:54 It'll[ __] your[ __] up.

48:56 And like all I do now when I smoke weed now,

48:58 the weed's so strong it just makes me

49:00 wonder if I filed my taxes correctly in 2017.

49:03 [laughter] That is not fun, guys.

49:08 That is not fun.

49:08 I went to Las Vegas when it first became

49:10 legal and went to like one of those uh weed

49:12 stores that looked like an Apple store and I had

49:16 a bud tender named April and she's like I go,

49:19 "Hey, I get real paranoid when I smoke." And she goes,

49:20 "Oh, you just don't have the right strain." She had your energy.

49:23 You know what I mean?

49:24 She said, "You don't just don't have the right strain.

49:25 You haven't had the right guru walk you through the bud." She's like,

49:29 "This is Strawberry Field.

49:30 It's a very light sativa.

49:31 It's going to keep you calm.

49:32 It's going to keep the party going.

49:33 It's going to be fun." I go, "Okay, sounds good.

49:35 Wrap it up." Went to the Airbnb, took two hits.

49:40 Called my mom and cried for 3 hours.

49:42 THIS IS NOT GOOD WEED, APRIL.

49:49 My mother has alerted the authorities.

49:54 Need some more suggestions out here, man.

49:58 Say that again.

50:00 Bad tattoos.

50:02 Yeah, that's all I have, dude.

50:05 For real.

50:05 I got a tattoo on my arm right here.

50:07 It is Rowdy Rody Piper's hot rod tattoo.

50:14 [cheering] Now look, this was hilarious when I was 17, drunk on Mad Dog 2020.

50:20 [cheering] My friends are like, "Hey,

50:23 I dare you to get Rowdy Rotty Piper's hot rod tattoo on your arm." And I'm like,

50:28 "Yeah, that would be hilarious.

50:29 I am going to do that." But then I forgot one day I'd be 47

50:34 years old and a little bit overweight and I'd look in the mirror and be like,

50:38 "That's a really ridiculous tattoo to have on your arm right now, man.

50:43 This is not a hot rod at all." This body is barely street legal at this point.

50:49 This is the the old fixer up here in the garage.

50:53 I like a bad tattoo though cuz it keeps you in check.

50:55 You know what I mean?

50:56 It keeps you It keeps you honest about who you were at some point.

50:59 So, I ever get a big ego and I take my shirt off and I look in the mirror.

51:03 I've got a hot rod tattoo and I have a battle axe from when

51:05 I was in the army with a Chinese letter in the middle of it.

51:10 [cheering] Oh, you want to see it?

51:13 Yeah, dude.

51:14 [applause] Yeah.

51:16 This is a tattoo an orc would get in Lord of the Rings,

51:21 and I'm like, I'll put that on my body.

51:22 I got it in a guy's basement in Witchah Falls, Texas.

51:28 [cheering] I'm not even sure this is ink.

51:29 This might just be this guy's jizz in my arm.

51:33 I did not thoroughly vet him.

51:37 What else we got, guys?

51:38 Give me some.

51:39 Family reunions.

51:40 Family reunion.

51:41 I like family reunions, man.

51:44 Everybody got that weird.

51:45 You know what's weird about family reunions, though?

51:46 We all got that one aunt that, you know, like not to eat her food.

51:49 You know what I mean?

51:51 And my aunt Pam will be doing some weird[ __]

51:53 My aunt Pam looked like Ursula from The Little Mermaid.

51:55 You remember that?

51:56 She had big old titties.

51:58 I mean, like titties so big she needed to like cut a basketball in half and have

52:02 and uh she would stir the Kool-Aid or the tea with her whole arm in the picture.

52:07 [laughter] Yeah.

52:08 She had nails.

52:09 Yeah.

52:09 Yeah.

52:10 Yeah.

52:10 She'd be making salad like that and you're like,

52:12 "Don't eat don't drink Pam's Kool-Aid.

52:13 That's bad." We all got that one [laughter] and you're like,

52:17 "You don't eat her stuff." My family reunions are weird,

52:21 too, cuz I got I mean, I got a little obsessed.

52:24 I'll be honest with you guys.

52:26 I don't know.

52:26 I got cousin brothers in my family.

52:28 That's a true story.

52:29 I got my a my dad's two sisters both

52:32 the same dude at a different time cuz we're classy.

52:36 And I got two cousins who are also brothers.

52:39 That's a true story.

52:41 And it's cool.

52:41 Everybody's cool.

52:42 And you know you're trash when everyone's just cool with it.

52:44 We don't even talk about it.

52:45 We're just like, "Yeah,

52:47 it's cool." Caleb and Johnny, they're cousins and brothers.

52:50 It's fine.

52:53 What else we got out there, man?

52:56 Sorry.

52:57 One more time.

52:59 Didn't point anywhere near your direction.

53:02 [laughter] I know everyone here is[ __] up,

53:04 man, but my finger was way over here.

53:08 And you're like, I'm going to say it again.

53:09 [laughter] What did you say?

53:11 Running out of lube.

53:12 Running out of lube.

53:13 That's always bad.

53:14 Sure.

53:15 Ass clapping.

53:16 Ass clapping.

53:17 Okay.

53:18 Mexico scams.

53:20 What' you say?

53:21 Mexico scams.

53:23 Mexico scams.

53:24 Yeah, that happens, dude.

53:27 That happens.

53:27 I've been there.

53:29 I've been scammed.

53:30 We went to Metamorris, Mexico one time when I was a kid or when

53:33 I was at like spring break in South Padre Island.

53:36 Yeah, we got put it in.

53:37 We No, it wasn't cool.

53:39 [laughter] It wasn't cool.

53:40 We went to a Mexican strip club with me

53:42 and my friends and it was very cheap and they're like,

53:44 "It's $10 a song for a lap dance." And my friend was like,

53:47 "Get everybody one." There was six of us and we went

53:50 back in these toilet stalls that had stools instead of toilets.

53:53 [laughter] And these Mexican gals danced on us for about six, seven songs.

53:57 And then we came out and there was a oneeyed pimp with an eye patch on.

54:00 Swear to God.

54:01 And he goes, "You each owe us $70." And we're like, "No,

54:05 you said $10." He goes, "There's $10 a song." And I was like, "Well,

54:09 we don't have any money." And he's like,

54:11 "We have a problem." And all these big Mexican dudes

54:13 came out of the woodwork with handcuffs and zip ties.

54:16 And that was the craziest negotiation of my life cuz I was like, dude,

54:21 I think someone's going to have to suck

54:22 these guys dicks for us to get out of here.

54:25 I'm going to be honest with you.

54:26 I think we are about to suck some Mexican damn.

54:28 [clears throat] This is the worst scam I've ever seen.

54:31 [laughter] We came here for titties and we are leaving here made men.

54:34 This is not good.

54:38 [laughter] Let's do one more quick one and we'll get Jeremiah back out here.

54:45 Been there, done that.

54:46 What' you say?

54:49 ADHD.

54:51 I got an ADHD gal at home, brother.

54:54 Man,

54:57 let me tell you something.

55:00 Living with a person with ADHD is like going

55:03 on a scavenger hunt for your own[ __] on a daily basis.

55:08 It's crazy, dude.

55:09 [applause and cheering] It's crazy.

55:12 When you live with somebody with ADA, if you're like,

55:14 "Hey, do you love closing cabinets?" Cuz if you do,

55:17 [laughter] you're going to love this[ __] Every

55:22 cabinet in my house is constantly open, dude.

55:24 I feel like I live with that little child ghost from the six sense.

55:28 [laughter] I will leave a room and come back and I'm like,

55:31 "Seven drawers and nine cabinets are open.

55:33 IS THIS PLACE HAUNTED?" It's wild.

55:38 And the best way I can describe someone with ADHD

55:40 and from an empathetic standpoint is

55:43 that the same person who cannot [clears throat]

55:47 remember to close the refrigerator immediately after opening it also thinks

55:53 that they will remember to water 27 plants for the next 6 months.

56:01 [applause]

56:01 My h my house is a haunted greenhouse with a bunch

56:03 of dead ferns and open cabinets and a ton of unfinished projects.

56:10 Dude, you walk room to room.

56:12 It seems like there was a whole crew of people

56:14 in there working on[ __] who walked off the[ __] job.

56:17 It's crazy.

56:19 It's abs.

56:19 I'm like, "Oh, well, there's a part of a coffee table's been assembled.

56:22 That's cool.

56:23 What's going on?" Oh, cool.

56:25 And you can't like you can't make sense of an ADHD brain.

56:28 You no matter how hard you try, if you're not in there, you can't do it.

56:30 Cuz I'll be like, you know,

56:31 she likes to reorganize[ __] It makes her feel productive.

56:34 It like settles that scratches that itch.

56:37 And I'll be like, I can't find my clippers.

56:40 And she gets pissed when you ask where[ __] is at.

56:43 That's the other thing.

56:44 I'll be like, "Hey, I can't find my toenail clippers." She's like,

56:46 "Did you check in the box of sharp stuff?" [laughter] How the WOULD I KNOW?

56:54 IT'S NOT LABELED.

56:57 I had it in a box of stuff that I use on my feet,

57:02 which seemed like a pretty reasonable place to have it.

57:08 [laughter][ __] is wild, dude.

57:12 Is wild.

57:14 Now she's diagnosed herself with everything.

57:16 You live with I know you.

57:17 You guys love diagnosing.

57:19 It's hot to be ADHD right now.

57:21 She's like, I got ADHD.

57:23 I've got ADD.

57:24 I've got trauma.

57:25 And guess what?

57:26 Just took an autism test.

57:28 And I'm like, [applause and cheering] great.

57:32 That's great.

57:34 Am I going to get in trouble for you?

57:36 Like, how far how far down the spectrum are you to where

57:42 the law might have to get involved for me putting my anywhere near you?

57:46 [laughter] This is alarming.

57:51 When you live with somebody like that, they love to put their diagnosis on you.

57:56 She'll be like, "Hm, can't find your keys?

57:59 I think you got a little ADHD." And I go,

58:01 "Yeah, I think you[ __] moved them." Is what happened.

58:06 Cuz I just found them in your purse.

58:07 And I know damn well I didn't put them there.

58:09 [laughter]

58:16 But I love my little autistic gal.

58:22 [cheering]

58:24 Yeah, she's good.

58:25 [applause] I take her to the train station.

58:30 [laughter] I drop toothpicks on the floor.

58:34 Give her something to do.

58:37 [laughter] Count those up, honey.

58:40 I'll be home later.

58:44 All right, man.

58:45 Let's get Jeremiah back out here, guys.

58:47 Thank you.

58:51 [applause and cheering]

58:54 Jeremiah.

58:53 One more time for Rafe Williams.

58:58 [cheering] [applause] Heck yeah.

59:02 Uh what do we got for Rafe and I?

59:09 Truck drivers and what was that?

59:11 Lost at sea and lost at sea.

59:14 Nurses going wild.

59:15 That's what nurses really tapered off at the end.

59:21 That Margarita took hold of that sentence at the end.

59:23 You're like, "Nur gone wild."

59:29 Let me guess.

59:30 Are you a nurse who's gone wild?

59:35 That is not the person I want going wild.

59:38 Yeah, that's literally the last.

59:39 Here I come with a catheter.

59:44 [cheering]

59:43 Guess who's about to go wild?

59:45 And you're like, "No, can I get the non wild RN in here, please?"

59:50 Yeah, for sure.

59:53 What?

59:53 We're all wild.

59:54 Are you a nurse as well?

59:57 Really?

59:57 Yeah.

59:57 Look, no one clap for you.

59:58 It ain't co no more.

1:00:02 [cheering] Co's over,[ __] IT'S GONE.

1:00:08 [cheering] NO POTS AND PANS being beat in the street anymore.

1:00:12 You're just a regular person like the rest of us.

1:00:18 [cheering]

1:00:18 I'm kidding.

1:00:19 Thank you for your service.

1:00:23 [laughter] That had to feel good during that time

1:00:31 to get a little extra love though, right?

1:00:34 No.

1:00:36 No.

1:00:36 No.

1:00:36 Really?

1:00:38 Pay me,[ __] Yeah.

1:00:41 Oh,

1:00:41 pay me.

1:00:42 Yeah, that's the heroic spirit.

1:00:45 [laughter] Yeah, pay me,[ __]

1:00:47 Pay me,[ __] I'm proud to be an American,

1:00:54 but you got to pay me,[ __] I got into healthc care to care for folks,

1:01:02 but I'd rather have money, you piece of[ __] [cheering] And if you don't pay me,

1:01:10 you won't be able to afford this stitch.

1:01:14 [laughter] Cuz there ain't no doubt the circumcision's gone bad.

1:01:27 [laughter]

1:01:29 Nurses gone wild in the USA.

1:01:31 [clears throat] [laughter] Yeah, the new [applause] unprofessionals.

1:01:42 [laughter]

1:01:43 What do we have anywhere but here?

1:01:46 Yeah, literally.

1:01:47 [cheering] What do we have like literally in this section?

1:01:50 Let's put a little rope six rows up and that way.

1:01:55 Uber driver and and what was this?

1:01:57 Skinny dipping.

1:01:58 Uber drivers and skinny dipping.

1:02:00 Uh, well, Uber driver skinny dipping.

1:02:02 Ever been in an Uber pool?

1:02:06 Nice.

1:02:07 Got it, dude.

1:02:08 Yeah, dude.

1:02:08 [cheering] That's when you ride naked in an Uber driver's car, dude.

1:02:14 Yeah, dude.

1:02:15 [laughter] Skinny dipping Uber pool.

1:02:17 Let's go, dude.

1:02:18 That's right, dude.

1:02:18 When Raul pulls up and you're like, "Is this for Rafe?" And you just press him

1:02:22 on the passenger door and you see if he's cool or not.

1:02:27 Uh-huh.

1:02:27 And then you give him five stars by teabagging your phone.

1:02:31 F.

1:02:31 That's right.

1:02:33 [laughter] Would you like to leave a tip?

1:02:35 Sure would.

1:02:38 I'd like it to be custom.

1:02:41 Uh-huh.

1:02:42 [laughter] Your hips are moving way too good.

1:02:45 Yeah, dude.

1:02:46 Like he's done that before with his phone.

1:02:48 Yeah, dude.

1:02:48 [cheering] I saw him typing in his pin code.

1:02:52 Yeah.

1:02:53 I was like, it was the best of time, it was the worst of times.

1:02:58 I I got that Hemingway, my man.

1:03:00 [laughter] You're just You're writing a graphic novel with a typewriter.

1:03:05 You just Yeah.

1:03:05 [laughter] I go to the Uber with a Smith Corona and I'm like, huh?

1:03:19 No face recognition.

1:03:20 He's got recognition on his phone.

1:03:22 Oh, that Yeah, we'll do the jokes.

1:03:24 Um, [laughter] that was pretty good, though.

1:03:26 That was pretty good.

1:03:27 It was good though.

1:03:27 It was good, though.

1:03:28 But shut up.

1:03:29 Um, but Whoa.

1:03:32 Is that a nurse?

1:03:33 I'm just kidding.

1:03:35 Ray, calm down.

1:03:35 SHE'S GOING WILD.

1:03:36 CALM DOWN.

1:03:36 SHE'S GONE WILD, BABY.

1:03:41 UH, what do we got maybe up here in this section a little bit?

1:03:47 Booze Cruz.

1:03:51 Hot hot teachers.

1:03:52 I heard bald cheese.

1:03:53 Um, I got it.

1:03:55 Uh, I love that the person that said ball cheese 75 times is like,

1:04:00 they're just not hearing me.

1:04:04 It's a great idea.

1:04:05 It's balls and cheese.

1:04:10 Blue balls.

1:04:12 Way to pivot hard off of the balls into blue balls.

1:04:16 Uh, we have hot teachers and and what was

1:04:18 maybe something down here in this section right here.

1:04:24 Bies,

1:04:27 dude.

1:04:25 my man.

1:04:26 Uh I uh want to just see how long I can live in a BIES.

1:04:34 Like just like like camp out in different parts of it.

1:04:37 It's big enough.

1:04:38 How long do you think you'd last?

1:04:39 There's literally a camper inside of a BIES.

1:04:42 Every Bies I've gone into has like a little RV in it

1:04:44 with with t-shirts and you could just setup shop in there.

1:04:47 Dude, that would actually be pretty tight.

1:04:49 That'd be a fun social experiment for sure.

1:04:51 That's taking a woman home.

1:04:55 [laughter] You're on a date.

1:04:56 You're a single man living in a Bies.

1:04:58 Yeah.

1:04:58 You're like, "Are we going back to your place or mine?" She's like,

1:05:00 "Yours?" You're like, "All right.

1:05:03 All right.

1:05:05 This is uh bathroom's down the hall.

1:05:07 And here's my beef jerky wall.

1:05:09 [laughter] Do you like maple bourbon?" Yeah.

1:05:17 There's so many things at a Bies that uh I end

1:05:21 up going into debt when I need to just get gas there.

1:05:24 Yeah, there's too many good options.

1:05:26 Like when when you want merch from a gas station, you know you're in trouble.

1:05:31 Yeah, dude.

1:05:33 And obviously I've been sober for 14 years.

1:05:35 I mentioned that earlier.

1:05:36 So impulse control not my best suit.

1:05:40 Uh-huh.

1:05:39 And man, it's weird to go stop somewhere for gas and leave with Jenga.

1:05:47 [laughter] and you're just like sitting in the car by yourself.

1:05:50 I'm like on a road trip alone and I'm like,

1:05:52 "Yeah, that is a hilarious Jenga game.

1:05:55 I will buy that today." And then I'm just like,

1:05:58 I have like four board games and puzzles and I'm like,

1:06:01 "Maybe I am autistic." Maybe she was right.

1:06:03 I don't know.

1:06:04 Right.

1:06:05 Maybe we're all autistic in Bies.

1:06:07 Maybe that's the thing.

1:06:09 That's where we all come together on the spectrum.

1:06:11 I mean, if the mascot's there, I'm full-blown autism.

1:06:14 Yeah.

1:06:15 I'm I'm very excited.

1:06:17 Now, in the city I live in, we have the knockoff Bies.

1:06:21 What's that?

1:06:21 Which is Wall-E's.

1:06:23 Are you familiar?

1:06:24 No, I'm actually not familiar with this.

1:06:26 It's uh it's pretty heated rivalry.

1:06:28 Speaking of somebody, [cheering] it's pretty heated heated rivalry

1:06:31 and it is much gayer than that show.

1:06:33 Um the mascots are justing each other off.

1:06:36 You're like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." Oh, that's crazy.

1:06:39 Yeah.

1:06:40 One is like a otter.

1:06:41 What's the bies?

1:06:42 What is that?

1:06:42 The beaver.

1:06:43 One's a beaver and like one It's very It's the same family.

1:06:45 They had some sort of Game of Thrones argument and they split [laughter]

1:06:49 and now one is opened like two Wall-E and it's the same theme.

1:06:52 Like you can't no truck drivers allowed everything.

1:06:55 But it's a little off.

1:06:57 It's like going to a Starbucks in communist Russia.

1:06:59 You know what I mean?

1:07:00 Like it's you could tell by the font what they're

1:07:02 going for, but there's a goat inside and you're like, "What's going on in here?"

1:07:07 It's not of the same quality.

1:07:08 They're trying hard though.

1:07:10 Let's grab uh one last suggestion.

1:07:12 getting bisexual.

1:07:17 What?

1:07:17 What was that?

1:07:20 Desperate bisexual.

1:07:21 Desperate bisexuals.

1:07:22 Wow.

1:07:23 I didn't even know that there was a desperate bisexual all the way up there.

1:07:27 [laughter] Yeah.

1:07:28 Desperate bisexual.

1:07:30 Hello.

1:07:33 Um, aren't all bisexuals desperate?

1:07:37 My nature.

1:07:38 Cuz you'll take whatever you can get, right?

1:07:42 Yeah.

1:07:43 You're like, "Uh, uh, okay.

1:07:46 Okay.

1:07:47 You're in the middle." Okay.

1:07:49 [laughter] I don't care which way you're going.

1:07:53 I'll do it.

1:07:54 [laughter] I'm a desperate bisexual.

1:07:58 It's kind of endearing.

1:07:59 Yeah.

1:07:59 It's kind of cool.

1:08:01 Will you go out with me?

1:08:02 Of course I will.

1:08:03 I'm a desperate bisexual.

1:08:06 You didn't have to say that out loud.

1:08:08 Yeah.

1:08:08 Do Do you even know what parts I have?

1:08:11 Does it matter?

1:08:13 I tell you what I tell you what parts you have.

1:08:15 You have a head and a heart and that's all I care about because [cheering]

1:08:22 I [applause] am a desperate bisexual.

1:08:25 Guys, give it for Rafe Williams.

1:08:27 Thanks everybody.

1:08:29 [screaming] [applause] [cheering] [applause] That was stand up on the spot.

1:08:38 Did we have a good time, ladies and gentlemen?

1:08:40 [cheering] Keep it going for all the comedians that you saw tonight.

1:08:47 [cheering] [applause] This is Stand Up on the Spot's first theater show.

1:08:54 So, give it up to my ch my pal

1:08:56 Chelsea Lynn [music] for putting all this together.

1:08:58 [cheering] This is so amazing.

1:09:02 Watch the show on YouTube.

1:09:03 Hit that like button.

1:09:04 Leave a comment.

1:09:05 Uh, I love you guys so much.

1:09:07 I'm Jeremiah Watkins.

1:09:08 I'll see you around.

1:09:09 Love you.

1:09:09 Thank you for being here.

1:09:12 [music] [music] Thanks so much for watching Stand Up on the Spot.

1:09:41 Let us know in the comments below which city we should hit next.

1:09:44 And hit that like button and subscribe if you haven't already.

1:09:47 Thanks.