Red Richardson Stand-Up: Phone Addiction, Shark Attacks | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

0:01 -Our next guest has his comedy special, "Bugatti Live,"

0:04 available on YouTube.

0:05 Making his "Tonight Show" debut, please welcome

0:08 the very funny Red Richardson!

0:10 Cheers and applause]♪♪ -Hello!

0:23 Cheers and applause] Everyone having a good life?

0:26 Cheers and applause] Nice.

0:27 I, uh...

0:29 I'm not sure about this mustache either, to be honest.

0:32 It's good to be here, though.

0:34 It's good to be off my phone for the next five minutes.

0:36 I got a terrible phone addiction.

0:38 Spend about seven hours a day on my phone.

0:40 I don't even know what I'm looking for.

0:42 I just scroll.

0:43 I watched a woman I've never met before

0:45 make a lasagna from start to finish...

0:50 on Instagram Live.

0:53 I was there while it was in the oven, just waiting.

0:55 I was like...

0:57 "This looks great.

0:59 I hope she comes back soon.

1:01 It's nearly ready.

1:03 Be a shame if she burnt it."

1:06 I was on Instagram the other day.

1:07 I got followed by this girl I went to school with.

1:09 Wasn't even friends with her in school.

1:10 She followed me.

1:10 I was like, "Hmm.

1:11 Wonder what she's been up to all these years.

1:14 Followed her back.

1:15 Went through every single one of her photographs.

1:19 Ten years of her life.

1:21 An hour of mine.

1:23 Laughter] Turns out she's engaged to a man called Trevor.

1:28 I was like, "I wonder what Trevor's all about."[ Laughter]

1:34 Clicked on Trevor's profile.

1:37 I did a deep dive on Trev.

1:39 Laughter] Don't do it.

1:42 He's boring.

1:43 But Trevor's got a dog.

1:46 And he's made a little profile for the dog.

1:50 So I clicked on the dog's profile.

1:53 Suddenly it's 4:00 in the morning.

1:56 I'm at Trevor's third cousin's wedding in Mexico.

2:00 Laughter] And Trevor's not even there.

2:04 Is this a life?

2:07 I like this thing, what tough guys do on social media.

2:10 When they're in a bad mood or they've fallen out

2:12 with someone in their personal life, they'll do this thing

2:13 where they'll post a picture of a dangerous animal,

2:16 and they'll have a quote about loyalty on it.

2:19 Uh-oh.

2:21 I saw this guy the other day put a picture

2:23 of a lion with a quote up.

2:25 The quote said, "I'm loyal to my core.

2:27 If you cross me, you'll find out

2:30 my bite is way stronger than your bark."

2:35 I was just like,

2:36 "Did the neighbors park you in again, Gary?

2:38 Laughter] Like the lion you are, you've taken straight to Facebook.

2:44 Slow down, Mufasa.

2:46 You're scaring us."[ Sighs] I'm terrified of sharks.

2:52 I was up the other night about 3:00 in the morning

2:53 watching a shark program on YouTube.

2:56 Healthy stuff.

2:59 The guy hosting it, though, he was like,

3:00 "Do you know sharks are more scared of us

3:02 than we are of them?"

3:03 I was like, "Really?"

3:05 I don't think sharks stay up all night watching

3:07 documentaries about me.

3:09 Laughter] Later in the show, he's like, "Last year, there was only

3:15 60 unprovoked shark attacks worldwide."

3:18 60 unprovoked.

3:20 What's a provoked shark attack?

3:23 Who's doing that?

3:26 Sounds like the worst bachelor party ever.

3:29 Let's go to California, boys.

3:32 Find a great white and just start...

3:35 Dressing the groom up as a seal.

3:37 Like, "Whoo!" Shark's like, "Will you stop provoking me?!"[ Laughter]

3:45 I like to watch football.

3:47 My, uh— My new favorite thing

3:48 is to watch fellow fat men watch football.

3:52 Something amazing about watching a man

3:53 who couldn't open his fridge without taking a breather...

3:58 shouting at a television screen,

4:00 telling a 22-year-old multimillionaire athlete

4:04 that he's a complete waste of space.

4:07 Laughter][ Applause] I like the victory people feel when their team wins,

4:13 like they contribute.

4:14 "We did it.

4:16 We won.

4:16 We— We're the best."

4:19 You didn't do anything.

4:21 You drank 14 pints.

4:24 You have ketchup on your chin.

4:27 It's your child's birthday.

4:28 Go home.

4:30 Applause] I've started boxing.

4:36 You can't tell.

4:37 Chuckles][ Giggling] There's this guy at my gym, though.

4:43 He doesn't leave me alone.

4:44 He's always sweating.

4:45 He's topless.

4:46 I've never seen him exercise.

4:47 First time I was in there, though,

4:48 he appeared from the shadows and he was like,

4:50 "What are you training for?"

4:53 I was like, "What do you mean?"

4:55 He's like, "You want a six-pack?

4:57 You want to get hench?"

4:59 I was like, "I just want a chin., actually.

5:01 Just, uh...

5:03 just one chin would do.

5:07 He does this thing, though, when I'm punching the punch bag.

5:09 He comes up behind me and grabs my arms

5:11 and starts punching the punch bag with my arms.

5:15 He shouts really encouraging abuse at me.

5:18 He's like, "Carry on like this,

5:21 people won't call you Jon Snow Globe

5:23 behind your back anymore."

5:26 I'm like, "Who's been calling me that?"

5:29 He did this for about 10 minutes the other day.

5:30 He's like, "Any questions?"

5:31 I was like, "Yeah.

5:32 When are you not here?"

5:34 Guys, I've been Red Richardson.

5:35 Thank you so much.

5:36 Cheers and applause] Thank you very much.

5:37 -Hey.

5:37 That is fantastic.

5:39 Come on.

5:40 That is how you do it.

5:42 That's how you do it right there!

5:45 Red Richardson!

5:47 "Bugatti Live" is available on YouTube!