Nicole Byer on Staying at a Sex Hotel, Going Back to Her High School & Netflix is a Joke Festival

0:00 Our next guest is a very funny person you know from television and can see live

0:04 at the Netflix is a joke fest tomorrow

0:06 at the Dynasty typewriter here in Los Angeles.

0:09 Please welcome Nicole Byer.

0:29 How are you?

0:30 I'm good.

0:31 You look great.

0:32 I'm good.

0:32 I'm doing good.

0:33 I'm doing Thank you for uh filling in for me also over the summer.

0:36 You and Jelly Roll guest host.

0:38 I had such a nice time.

0:39 And did you know it pays more than being a guest?

0:42 Is that Yeah, that Yeah, I did know that.

0:43 Yes, I did know that.

0:44 Nice.

0:44 Nice little bump.

0:47 You uh And thank you also for not destroying any of the key furniture here on

0:51 Oh, yeah.

0:52 Yeah.

0:52 No worries.

0:53 We appreciate that, too.

0:54 How are you doing?

0:55 How's everything?

0:55 I heard you just were in your hometown, huh?

0:57 No, I wasn't in my hometown, but I was in Chicago.

1:00 That's where my family lives, but not where I grew up.

1:02 It's complicated and boring.

1:05 Okay.

1:05 Oh, wait.

1:05 NO, YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT JERSEY.

1:07 JERSEY?

1:07 OH, THAT'S FUN.

1:08 YES, I was in my hometown.

1:11 Okay.

1:11 Were you up on the roof?

1:12 Look at this dizzy bed.

1:13 My god.

1:14 Were you on the roof with jelly roll?

1:18 You know what?

1:19 I smelled it and it might have gotten to my head.

1:22 No, but you're absolutely right.

1:23 I went to Jersey.

1:25 I went to go visit my old high school.

1:27 Yeah, that's what I heard.

1:28 That's Is Was that fun?

1:30 It was so much fun.

1:31 I went because in high school they had spicy chicken and That's why you went?

1:39 Yeah.

1:39 Yes.

1:39 I wanted to eat the spicy chicken from my high school.

1:43 Was this something you loved in high school?

1:45 Yes.

1:45 And I was like, I have to get it.

1:47 So, I contacted the school.

1:48 They were like, "We don't have it on the menu anymore." And I was like,

1:52 "Don't you know who I am?

1:53 Cook it up." And then, hold on.

1:56 Can I just take a couple of steps back?

1:58 Oh, sure.

1:59 When did you have this thought about the spicy chicken?

2:02 Is this something that's been bubbling for a while

2:04 or just like something that hit you and you said,

2:06 "I got to contact these people and get there?" Well, as a fat, I just keep

2:12 the the memory of like delicious food with me always.

2:17 I see.

2:18 I believe me, I understand.

2:20 And I woke up on a Tuesday and I said, "Oh, remember that chicken?

2:23 I want it." And then I was talking to my best friend, Sashir.

2:27 We were doing our podcast and she was like,

2:29 "We should go get the chicken." And I was like,

2:31 "LET'S GET THAT CHICKEN." And then they didn't have the chicken.

2:36 It was right.

2:37 Someone said, "Oh, there's another fat in the crowd who was like,

2:39 "Oh, girl, that did hurt." And it did.

2:41 It's disappointing.

2:43 It really was.

2:44 Yeah.

2:44 But my guidance counselor,

2:46 who was my guidance counselor when I was in high school, I still talk to her.

2:49 She was like, "Well, since you're here,

2:51 do you want to talk to the theater kids?" And I was like, "Oh, okay.

2:55 But can I have something from the cafeteria?

2:58 And nobody would feed me.

3:02 Why?

3:01 I don't know.

3:02 I got there at noon and lunch was done and I was like, "What the?

3:06 It's noon." You know, it's not exactly like a restaurant.

3:10 It's not like they're whipping stuff up back there.

3:12 It's like what they do is they make 80,000 of those chicken

3:15 sandwiches at like a local prison and then they ship

3:19 them over to the school and then the they stick them

3:21 in the microwave and then the kids eat and then that's it.

3:24 I didn't get to eat and it wasn't it.

3:26 Yeah.

3:26 No, that's disappointing.

3:27 So upset.

3:28 Don't you think though if you had had it, it would not have matched your memory.

3:32 You would went like that wasn't as good as I remember.

3:36 No.

3:36 Um, no.

3:38 Cuz every time I go to Chili's, I'm like, them southwestern egg rolls hit.

3:42 They're good.

3:43 They're See, people know they're good.

3:46 Uhhuh.

3:46 Okay.

3:46 Now, uh, as far as the kids go,

3:48 the students go, were they excited to see you there?

3:51 You know, some were some were I get humbled a lot.

3:55 Um

3:58 yeah, some of them knew who I was and some of them were like, "Okay,

4:02 yeah, kids." And I ran into a girl who was like,

4:04 "Do you know my mom, Heidi Anderson?" I was like, "Oh my god,

4:07 I remember that name." She was like, "That's my mom." And I was like,

4:10 "Whoa, if my life went different, I could have a 16-year-old." Oh my god.

4:17 Ah, this your classmate Heidi Anderson, huh?

4:20 Yeah.

4:20 graduated with her.

4:21 Now she's got like a full adult.

4:22 It was nuts.

4:23 I couldn't believe it.

4:24 Also, the children are looking old.

4:26 No, they are.

4:29 They are.

4:29 I was walking around and I was like, m I look better.

4:32 Like, do you know what I mean?

4:35 Like, they're looking old.

4:37 Yeah.

4:38 Yeah.

4:38 We have a high school right across the street and sometimes I'm driving,

4:41 I go, "WHAT ARE YOU KIDS WEARING?"

4:43 TRULY.

4:43 What are you wearing?

4:44 What are you drinking?

4:45 What is the skin care regimen?

4:47 There isn't one.

4:48 I think that's where No, I don't know about that.

4:50 I'm noticing that a lot of the kids have skin care regimens,

4:54 which is not something that ever happened when

4:58 I was a kid and still for me doesn't.

5:00 Like I'll put body lotion sometimes on my face and my wife

5:03 screams at me as if I'm rubbing peanut butter all over my head.

5:07 I was like, "What are you putting that on there for?" I don't know.

5:09 It's lo It says lotion on the thing.

5:12 You know what?

5:12 Maybe there's something to that because I used to like sleep in my makeup,

5:16 wake up and be like, "Okay, we're going." So,

5:18 and then I didn't do any skincare till later.

5:21 So, maybe that's the key to good skin.

5:22 Really on your face.

5:24 And then

5:25 later try to correct.

5:28 Did you stay where did you stay like with relatives when you were back there?

5:31 No, I stayed Okay.

5:33 So, I wanted to go to the Poconos to stay

5:35 at this hotel that has a champagne fluted tub.

5:38 Um,

5:39 it's raised up.

5:40 Yes.

5:40 Raised up.

5:41 and it's for like couples.

5:43 And Sashir, my best friend, was like, "I found one in New Jersey.

5:46 It's not like the Poconos, but it's in Jersey." And I said,

5:49 "Okay." We went to a sex hotel.

5:53 This woman took me to a sex hotel there.

5:56 I walked up to this champagne fluted tub and there

6:00 was a bath mat and when I stepped on it, I said, "That's paper, Mory.

6:04 What are we doing?

6:05 That's paper." It disintegrated when my wet feet got onto it.

6:09 It's so funny.

6:10 Yes.

6:10 A paper bath mat is perhaps the worst sign.

6:13 The only thing worse than a paper bath mat is gnome bath mat at all.

6:18 Yes.

6:18 But also it smelled like they were cleaning up a murder.

6:22 Okay.

6:22 Like there was it was such an overwhelming bleach smell.

6:25 Oh yeah.

6:26 And I was like either a murder or like I don't know someone

6:29 all over the walls or something and they had to like shellac it off.

6:33 That's best case scenario.

6:34 Truly best case.

6:36 You know,

6:39 bleach is bleach is one of those things where you're like, "Oh my god,

6:42 this place is all bleach." And they're like,

6:44 "Oh, thank God this place is bleach." Yes.

6:47 Real mixed feelings about bleach.

6:49 And there was they only had like three towels.

6:52 They were like, "You're noting up these towels." Cuz they only gave us three.

6:56 There was an itty bitty little couch cuz they're like,

6:58 "You didn't come here to sit." And then there

7:02 was a very uncomfortable bed because they were like,

7:04 "You didn't come to sleep." And and then

7:08 there was people playing house music until 300 a.m.

7:11 And I was like, "House music?

7:13 How is that getting anybody in the mood?" There

7:15 was probably like a woman in the room being like, "Oh my god, you got to stop."

7:20 Maybe they were in the room.

7:20 They're like, "I wish I was in a house.

7:24 I wish I was at home." You are You're doing this show.

7:28 You're part of this Netflix is a joke festival.

7:31 You've got a show at a place called Dynasty Typewriter,

7:33 which is a weird name for a building.

7:35 It is, but hey, who am I to judge?

7:37 No.

7:37 Yeah.

7:38 No, it's kind of a fun name for the building.

7:39 It seems like a fun venue, right?

7:41 Yeah, I like it.

7:42 Are you by yourself on stage?

7:43 Nope.

7:43 I'm going to have guests.

7:44 Who are you guest?

7:45 Can you say I'm not telling?

7:46 THEY ASKED ME NOT TO.

7:48 WHY IS EVERYTHING a secret?

7:49 Like, I know all the guests Jelly Roll has

7:52 on his thing and then I couldn't say what.

7:54 Should I just say who's on his?

7:56 Yeah, say who's on his.

7:57 So people come to my show and they're like, "Wait, what?"

8:01 Maybe they're the same people.

8:02 I don't know.

8:03 PROBABLY NOT.

8:04 HE'S VERY FAMOUS.

8:05 WELL, they could be, but you know all the comics.

8:07 I mean, I bet you you know every comic that's on his list there.

8:11 It doesn't matter.

8:12 We won't say, "All right, it'll be a surprise.

8:14 Why ruin the surprise for people?" But this is fun, right?

8:17 Yeah.

8:17 I love performing.

8:18 I love making people laugh.

8:20 Netflix is a joke.

8:21 It's a huge festival, so like, who doesn't want to be a part of it?

8:24 The hotel you're in, does it have a bath mat on the ground or are you at home?

8:28 I'm at home, but I decided to just use printer paper

8:31 and just step on that to reminisce about that sex motel.

8:37 Also, Jimmy, people checked in at like 3:00 a.m.

8:39 It was the wildest place I've ever been in my whole Yes.

8:42 Oh, they checked in at They were checking in at 3:00 a.m.

8:45 I was like, "Oh, a quick AND BACK ON THE ROAD.

8:47 WHAT ARE WE DOING?" YEAH.

8:48 WELL, that's why they had all the bleach.

8:52 You think twice next time you stay at the Clorox Hotel, right?

8:56 No, I'm gonna stay and have fun.

8:57 All right.

8:57 All right.

8:58 Well, it's very good to see you.

8:59 Have fun on uh at the the Tomorrow night Netflix is

9:02 a joke fest uh the Dynasty typewriter right here in Los Angeles, California.

9:07 You can see Nicole Byer and Mystery Friends live.

9:11 We'll be right back.

9:18 Oh.