I'm Not Doing Your Dirty Work For You

0:01 Hey, are you going to Poor Richards?

0:04 Well, no.

0:04 You

0:06 maybe

0:06 I'm going inside and sorry, both of you.

0:08 We're all going.

0:10 Hey, isn't there some rule against

0:12 interrogating?

0:14 Doing your dirty work for you.

0:15 I hear whispering.

0:20 Oh, hey, Mayor.

0:21 Another vodka.

0:22 Yeah.

0:22 Jack, these are my co-workers.

0:24 Sup?

0:25 Ryan, Pam, Stanley, Kelly, Kevin,

0:28 Creed.

0:29 How'd it do?

0:31 Come here much.

0:35 Kevin,

0:34 you and Stacy set a date yet?

0:37 Yeah.

0:38 Oh my god.

0:38 When is it?

0:39 It's complicated.

0:41 I would appreciate some space on this.

0:44 1 2 3.

0:45 Up.

0:45 Jenkins.

0:47 Down.

0:47 Jenkins.

0:48 Go.

0:48 I think I heard the

0:49 cord over here.

0:49 Where?

0:49 On this side.

0:50 No, it is definitely under one of these

0:52 hands.

0:52 I kind of heard it on Royy's side, too.

0:54 No, it is here.

0:56 It's not here.

0:57 Not here.

0:58 Not here.

0:59 Not here.

1:01 Good thing you didn't listen to me.

1:02 Yeah.

1:02 Close.

1:03 Not here.

1:05 It's not here.

1:07 Hey, it's either here or

1:08 here.

1:13 Not here.

1:15 [screaming]

1:18 Yes.

1:18 I can read you like a book.

1:20 Oh, yeah.

1:21 You can't keep anything from me.

1:24 [laughter]

1:24 Bottoms up.

1:25 Hey, Cream.

1:27 Hey.

1:27 So, what are you guys up to?

1:30 Hello.

1:31 You're the man, buddy.

1:33 I run a small fake ID [music] company

1:35 for my car with a laminated machine that

1:37 I swiped from the sheriff station.

1:39 Hi, Ryan.

1:42 Hey.

1:42 How are you doing?

1:43 I've I've missed you.

1:45 I've missed you, too.

1:46 Don't you remember me?

1:50 Um, you got you got to give me a hint.

1:52 Um, did you meet me at the gym?

1:57 No.

1:56 Who the hell is Ryan talking to?

1:58 Are you a client of my boyfriend?

2:01 Oh, not again.

2:03 Melissa.

2:05 Daddy,

2:04 wait for me outside.

2:06 God,

2:06 she is 16 years old.

2:08 What is wrong with

2:09 you?

2:09 Explain to you what happened.

2:11 Came right up to me.

2:12 You playing this whole thing

2:14 and slinging around a bar like some

2:16 lowario.

2:18 No, no, no.

2:18 Don't apologize now.

2:20 You ought to stay away from my daughter.

2:22 You want to end up on the stone phillips

2:23 nasty man.

2:24 Don't try to ride

2:32 for me.

2:33 I'll be on your tail like a hot

2:34 wind.

2:35 Is this real?

2:36 It is a screenplay

2:38 starring himself.

2:40 Agent Michael Scar

2:42 of the FBI.

2:44 How long is this?

2:45 Oh, Pam.

2:46 Good work.

2:48 Oh, wait.

2:49 Stop.

2:51 drawings.

2:52 What is that?

2:53 Oh, those are drawings in case the

2:56 writing didn't really put a picture in

2:58 your head.

2:58 And there he is in the flesh.

3:00 Agent Michael Scarn.

3:02 Now we know what he

3:03 looks like.

3:04 All right, let's get this

3:06 started.

3:06 I'm going to be reading the

3:07 action descriptions.

3:09 And Phyllis, I would like you to play Captain Zeta

3:12 Jones.

3:12 That's the character's name.

3:14 You guys should not be doing this.

3:16 Why not, Dwight?

3:17 This is a movie.

3:18 I mean, this is for all of America to

3:20 enjoy.

3:21 You took something that doesn't belong

3:22 to you, brought it in here, copies of

3:25 it,

3:26 to play the lead role of agent Michael

3:28 Scarn.

3:31 Location, a bank.

3:32 A man very good-looking runs into a bank and kills

3:34 a bank robber.

3:35 I'm Michael Scarn with the FBI.

3:37 Freeze.

3:38 Who's he saying freeze to if the bank

3:39 robber's dead?

3:41 I don't know.

3:42 Inside the FBI, agent

3:43 Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on

3:45 his desk.

3:45 Katherine Zeta Jones enters.

3:48 Um, sir, you have some messages.

3:50 Not now.

3:51 They're important.

3:52 Okay.

3:53 What are they?

3:54 First message is I love you.

3:57 That's for me.

3:58 Not in a thousand years, Catherine.

4:00 We work together.

4:01 And get off my desk.

4:02 Yes, I have acted before.

4:04 I was in a

4:04 production of Oklahoma in the seventh

4:06 grade.

4:07 I played the part of Muty the

4:09 Mailman.

4:10 They had too many kids, so they

4:12 made up roles like that.

4:15 That was good.

4:16 Let's maintain this.

4:18 Where are you?

4:18 Where are you going?

4:19 Home.

4:19 It's after 5.

4:21 Yeah, but Michael said for us to stay

4:23 until he got back.

4:26 Okay.

4:29 What is When he comes back, he's going to see

4:33 you're not here.

4:35 Okay.

4:38 Okay.

4:38 Don't let it affect your

4:39 performance.

4:40 Here we go.

4:41 Phyllis.

4:41 The president called.

4:43 Business or social?

4:44 Both.

4:44 He has an assignment for you.

4:46 Very dangerous, maybe deadly.

4:49 And he wants you to be the best man at his wedding.

4:51 Put him through.

4:52 But I'm only going to

4:53 talk business.

4:54 Hey, Michael.

4:55 How's it hanging?

4:56 It's hanging pretty good, Mr.

4:58 President.

4:58 I understand you have a dangerous

5:00 assignment, and I'm your man.

5:02 I do.

5:03 I have a dangerous assignment.

5:05 Are you my man?

5:07 You heard me the first time, you joker.

5:10 That would be pretty cool if Michael

5:12 starred in a movie with Katherine Zeta

5:14 Jones.

5:17 She's so hot.

5:19 I bet a hundred.

5:21 Sir, the minimum bet is a thousand.

5:24 If you had let me finish my sentence,

5:26 you would have heard me say I bet a

5:28 hundred thousand.

5:30 Sam, get me my money

5:32 bag.

5:32 Haha.

5:33 Agent Michael Scarn, you so

5:35 funny.

5:36 You the bomb.

5:38 M yeah, it kind of seems like all the movies

5:42 that I like.

5:44 A man sitting several seats down who has

5:46 a gold face turns to Michael Scarn.

5:49 Uh Oscar, you want to play Golden Face?

5:53 [clears throat]

5:54 Mr.

5:54 Scarn, perhaps you would be more

5:56 comfortable in my private jet.

5:58 Yes, perhaps I would, Golden Face.

6:00 Sam, get my luggage.

6:02 I forget it, brother.

6:04 Samuel, you are such an idiot.

6:05 You are the worst assistant ever.

6:07 And you're disgusting.

6:08 Dwigd.

6:09 Wait, who's Dwiggd?

6:12 Here's what we think happened.

6:13 Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is

6:16 this complete idiot who's causing the

6:18 downfall of the United States, was

6:20 originally named Dwight.

6:22 But then Michael changed it to Samuel L.

6:25 Chang using a search and replace, but that

6:28 doesn't work on misspelled words.

6:30 Leaving behind one dwig.

6:33 And Dwight figured it out.

6:35 Oops.

6:36 D W I G

6:38 H T.

6:39 Okay, you know what?

6:40 I am done with

6:41 this.

6:42 That's it.

6:42 The end.

6:43 Bullets are flying everywhere.

6:45 Wait, last page.

6:46 Big finish.

6:47 Here we go.

6:48 Agent Scarn kicks open the plane door

6:50 with a karate chop.

6:51 Kick and a chop are two totally

6:52 different things.

6:53 Well, it's just a movie, Dwig.

6:55 It doesn't make any sense.

6:56 Yeah, now it doesn't make any sense.

6:58 Don't jump, Agent Scar.

6:59 And there are no

7:00 parachutes.

7:01 Just then, Agent Chang gets a bullet in

7:03 the head.

7:03 Oh, so close to retirement.

7:05 Another bullet heads towards Agent Michael

7:07 Scarn, but he jumps out of the plane

7:09 without a parachute.

7:14 Is that it?

7:17 Yep.

7:17 I think so.

7:19 Does he die?

7:20 I sincerely doubt it.

7:21 I have to say I think this is a terrible

7:24 movie.

7:24 There he is.

7:25 Secret weapon.

7:29 Is that really necessary?

7:31 I've almost had my nose broken a dozen

7:33 times.

7:41 All right, you guys.

7:42 Come on.

7:43 Let's bring it in.

7:44 Here we go.

7:47 Okay, listen.

7:48 This is just going to be a

7:50 friendly game, right?

7:52 We are all on the

7:53 same team here, the Dunder Mifflin team.

7:57 Of course, if you beat us, you're fired.

8:00 That's a joke.

8:04 Okay, let's do it.

8:07 Have a good game, man.

8:09 Yeah, you too.

8:09 Should be fun.

8:10 All right, everybody stretch out a

8:11 little bit.

8:12 Stretch.

8:12 Let's stretch it.

8:13 Let's stretch.

8:14 Ryan, you want to

8:15 stretch?

8:15 I stretched before.

8:16 I can't.

8:20 Okay.

8:20 Okay, Ryan, you have Daryl.

8:21 I have Roy.

8:23 Really?

8:23 I thought I'd take Roy.

8:24 No, actually, I think I think Royy's our

8:26 best player, not Lonnie.

8:27 So, Dwight, you have the uh East German gal.

8:33 We got Okay.

8:40 All right, you guys.

8:42 Okay, we'll be skinned and we are

8:44 Come on, Dwight.

8:45 What

8:46 should I on or off?

8:47 On.

8:47 Just put it on.

8:48 You sure?

8:49 Yes.

8:49 Uh, Pam, you kind of have your foot

8:51 in both camps here.

8:52 Why don't you do the

8:53 jump ball?

8:54 Okay.

8:54 Don't listen to him, Pam.

8:55 Trust me.

8:56 Tip it my way or you're sleeping in the car.

9:01 Stanley,

9:05 what?

9:06 You got to be kidding me.

9:10 Here we go.

9:12 Who's on him?

9:13 WHO'S OUT?

9:13 SOMEBODY GET HIM.

9:16 YEAH.

9:15 TALKING about

9:19 Yeah.

9:19 Yeah.

9:19 Yeah.

9:19 YEAH.

9:19 YEAH.

9:20 YEAH.

9:20 YEAH.

9:20 OVER HERE.

9:20 OVER HERE.

9:22 THREE.

9:24 Let's go to zone.

9:25 WE'RE GOING TO ZONE.

9:26 DEFENSE.

9:27 DEFENSE.

9:28 DEFENSE.

9:30 DEFENSE.

9:33 Who's done?

9:44 [applause]

9:47 Oh, come on.

9:48 What is WRONG WITH ME

9:49 TODAY?

9:50 USUALLY hit those Dwight, I was open.

10:00 All right, let's go.

10:03 Here we go.

10:06 Jim, RIGHT HERE.

10:07 YOU GOT ME, JIM.

10:09 Here we go.

10:10 Here we go.

10:11 Here we go.

10:16 Do I want to get that?

10:20 Oh, okay.

10:20 Foul.

10:21 Charging.

10:22 Charging.

10:24 That's foul.

10:26 Okay, I'll take it.

10:47 JIM.

10:47 JIM.

10:48 JIM.

10:48 RIGHT HERE.

10:48 JIM, GIVE ME THE BALL.

10:49 RYAN, CUT.

10:53 My bad.

10:54 Push.

10:54 I got a want none of that.

11:00 There you go.

11:01 Where you at?

11:02 Where you at?

11:02 Where you at?

11:02 You over there.

11:03 I'm over here.

11:05 [cheering]

11:06 That is cool.

11:07 Is that like the robot?

11:12 Nice.

11:12 Give me one of them.

11:14 There's no free throws.

11:15 Just do one.

11:16 That's cool.

11:16 That's fine.

11:17 Come on.

11:17 All right, let's go.

11:21 Nope.

11:21 Can't hurt.

11:22 Watch your back, MAN.

11:22 BACK OFF, MAN.

11:23 COME ON.

11:24 HEY, TWICE.

11:25 TWICE.

11:31 YEAH.

11:30 Give me your face.

11:34 Huh?

11:32 You know what?

11:33 Twice.

11:33 Twice.

12:09 He You can say anything you want with total

12:23 and complete immunity.

12:25 Oh, you know, no.

12:26 Yeah.

12:26 Come on.

12:27 Anybody let it fly.

12:29 Okay.

12:29 Once once in a while, I'll take a

12:31 long lunch.

12:32 A siesta.

12:33 Time thief.

12:33 Time thief.

12:34 Fire him.

12:35 Dwight, you've really never stolen any

12:38 company time.

12:39 Never.

12:40 You are a thief of joy.

12:42 I have never missed a day because of

12:44 sickness.

12:45 I have had intestinal flu,

12:48 scabies, lice, pink eye, mono, the pox.

12:54 I still come in.

12:56 Anybody else?

12:57 Yeah.

12:58 Sometimes I download pirated music onto

13:00 my work computer.

13:01 Who hasn't?

13:02 Good.

13:02 Good.

13:03 What else?

13:03 No, I I'd like to hear more about that.

13:05 Well, remember when Andy had his

13:07 engagement brunch?

13:08 Several of us got

13:09 together to come up with excuses why we

13:11 couldn't make it.

13:14 What?

13:14 Who else?

13:15 Phyllis.

13:15 I don't want to say.

13:17 Yeah, cuz no one came.

13:19 And I threw a

13:19 deli platter in the pool.

13:22 I once reported Oscar to the INS.

13:25 Turns out he's clean, but I'm glad I did it.

13:29 Well, let's keep this party moving on.

13:31 I've done some things I'm not proud of.

13:33 Committed some atrocities in Vietnam uh

13:36 two years ago.

13:38 Princess Cruise Lines.

13:41 Ryan.

13:41 Oh, but you mean other than embezzling?

13:43 Fraud, Jim.

13:45 Fraud.

13:46 Fraud?

13:45 Sure.

13:46 Last year you guys were riding me

13:47 really hard for the website and I just

13:49 peeled out my Z3 and I knocked the

13:51 mirror off somebody's car.

13:52 I never said a thing.

13:54 Wait, what?

13:55 I'll go.

13:57 Have you guys ever met Bruce

13:58 Meyers, the Scranton rep for Hammermill?

14:01 Bruce?

14:02 Well, for the past six years,

14:03 I've been sleeping with him in exchange

14:05 for discounts on our supplies and

14:07 outback steakhouse gift certificates.

14:11 Jackpot.

14:13 Meredith, [clears throat] that is

14:15 serious.

14:16 I mean, not only is that a

14:17 conflict of interest, but there's also

14:20 an exchange of goods.

14:21 Exchange of steak.

14:23 Have you ever had

14:24 sirloin steak, honey?

14:25 That's crazy.

14:26 That's crazy talk.

14:28 Meredith the marinator sleeping with suppliers.

14:36 Wow.

14:36 What time we got?

14:38 You know what?

14:38 That's a good place to end it right

14:40 there.

14:41 This I think was a great ethics

14:43 seminar.

14:44 She has given us a lot of

14:46 wonderful things to think about.

14:47 Right.

14:48 What is wrong?

14:50 Who's to say really in

14:52 the end?

14:53 I mean because it is

14:54 unknowable.

14:56 But let's give her a round

14:56 of applause.

14:57 Holly, everybody.

14:58 Holly, get back to work.

15:02 Great job.

15:04 I am truly impressed that uh

15:07 you really pulled that one out.

15:08 Classic classic meeting.

15:09 We should celebrate it.

15:11 Michael, there's some serious issues

15:13 with Meredith.

15:15 Oh,

15:14 I All of you have done things I wouldn't

15:16 have done myself, but Meredith's actions

15:18 are really over the line.

15:20 Yeah.

15:21 What you going to do?