Trump’s Insane Posts, Lies About War & MAGA Pins Giuliani's Health Issues on Jimmy Kimmel

0:03 Thank you for watching.

0:05 Thanks for clapping.

0:06 I appreciate it.

0:07 We are for those walking around the universe.

0:12 We are transmitting this signal from our home

0:15 planet in a galaxy not so far away, Hollywood,

0:18 where um on what is presumably the most profitable day

0:22 of the year for the hardworking Chewbaccas and um various Star Wars characters,

0:28 our our Boba Fett who are out there taking photograph Oh,

0:32 and smashing things on May the 4th.

0:36 And may the fourth be with you all.

0:38 By the way, when I say May the fourth be with you,

0:40 you're supposed to say and also with you.

0:43 Right.

0:44 I'm Catholic.

0:45 That's how it goes.

0:46 And Star Wars turns 50 years old next year.

0:49 Uh you know, when I was a kid, our Yoda was old and had hair on his ears.

0:55 Things are different.

0:55 This He smelled like Vick's vapor rub.

0:57 We got a cute little Yoda now.

0:59 Looks a little bit like Yugi.

1:01 A little bit.

1:01 A little bit.

1:03 Jabba the president did not celebrate Star Wars today.

1:06 He uh he's barely focused on the real war he got us into.

1:10 Trump took another trip to Florida this weekend.

1:12 He showed up at a PGA Tour event held at his golf resort in Miami.

1:17 This is what he loves to do.

1:19 Wave at other white people at country clubs he owns.

1:22 That's what he was born for.

1:24 The president was joined by real estate

1:26 magnate/war negotiator Steve Whitoff and his son

1:30 Eric Trump who wasn't invited but tunnneled

1:33 his way in like the gopher from Cattyshack.

1:38 After the tournament, Trump met with the winner Cameron Young to congratulate

1:41 him on his victory and take possession of his trophy.

1:44 and when he wasn't romping around the golf course.

1:47 The president was hard at work on social media this weekend

1:50 just to give you a little peek inside his very strong brain.

1:54 Let's examine one night in Donald Trump's truth social feed.

1:58 Actually, not even one night.

2:00 Let's look at one hour.

2:01 These are all real posts from our president

2:04 in the 11:00 hour on Friday night at 11:03.

2:08 He put up this image of him and members

2:10 of his cabinet taking a dip in the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.

2:15 I don't know who the woman in the bikini is or how

2:17 the AI was able to shave 80 lbs off his gut, but everyone looks great.

2:23 A minute later at 11:04,

2:24 he posted this even more unbelievable picture of Melania smiling,

2:29 which is I don't know the last time we saw that.

2:34 At 11:13, he posted a thinly veiled but definitely

2:38 racist note about House Minority Leader Age Jeff,

2:41 followed two minutes later with a warning to Iran that said,

2:45 "I have all the cards and only a bunch of Uno

2:48 cards," which is a game you win by having no cards.

2:54 Should we do more?

2:56 This is what happens when you don't play with your children.

2:59 11:22 He posted his big gold pumpkin head.

3:02 11:26 him photoshopped into Mount Rushmore.

3:07 11:32 we've got him and Milani with their hair blowing.

3:10 No explanation.

3:11 11:37 with King Charles.

3:13 No caption or explanation.

3:15 Then over the next eight minutes, he made not one but three posts

3:18 about renovating the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.

3:22 And that's uh one hour on a Friday night.

3:24 the president of the United States.

3:25 According to the Daily Beast, based on his social media activity,

3:28 there were only five nights last month when

3:30 the president could have possibly gotten a full night's sleep.

3:33 Last month, he posted an average of 18 times a day.

3:37 If you had a relative who is posting 18 times a day,

3:41 you'd be worried about him, right?

3:43 You'd be like, "What's going on with cousin Matthew?

3:46 Is he okay?" Now, in fairness, Trump does take nice little naps,

3:50 uh, mostly during the national security meetings.

3:53 So, so he is getting some sleep and he might even be

3:56 scouting for a place to live after his reign of terror ends.

3:59 Trump paid a visit to the villages retirement community near Orlando on Friday,

4:05 accompanied by two of his top TV doctors, Phil and Oz.

4:09 We have a man here who knows more about Medicaid,

4:13 Medicare, medical crap than any human being.

4:17 Where's Dr.

4:17 Oz?

4:18 Where the hell are you?

4:19 Stand by.

4:21 He's great.

4:23 It's the most boring trip I've ever made.

4:25 He's telling me about Medicare, Medicaid.

4:27 Like I give a meta about any of those things, any term of the word care or aid.

4:36 Ouch.

4:36 You know, there are a lot of people suggesting

4:38 that the president's cognitive abilities are beginning to dim.

4:41 So Trump now at every chance he gets brings up

4:43 that dumb cookie cutter dementia test that he claims he aced.

4:47 I got everyone right.

4:49 And these are tough questions.

4:51 These are tough questions, you know.

4:53 They say take a number, any number.

4:54 Okay, I'll take 99.

4:56 Multiply times 9.

4:58 Okay.

4:58 Divide it by three.

5:00 Good.

5:00 Add 4,293.

5:03 That's good.

5:04 Divide by two.

5:06 Subtract 93.

5:09 Divide by nine.

5:11 What is your answer?

5:13 Now, they go a little slower than that, but not much.

5:15 I don't want to waste a lot of time,

5:17 but there aren't a lot of people that get it right.

5:19 I got it right, you know.

5:21 All right.

5:22 Well, what's the answer then?

5:23 We're dying to know.

5:25 By the way, I have taken this test that he took.

5:27 It doesn't ask any questions anywhere remotely like that.

5:30 The hardest math question is subtract the number seven from the number

5:34 60 and then subtract seven from 53 and so on.

5:38 There are no story problems, but don't let that get in his way.

5:42 The man is on a roll.

5:43 The first question is you have a lion, a bear,

5:47 an alligator, and a what's another good a squirrel.

5:52 Okay.

5:54 Which is the squirrel?

5:56 One doctor said it's the first time

5:58 I've ever seen anyone get all questions right.

6:02 It's a doctor who does this stuff for a living.

6:05 That's right.

6:05 And you could tell he was a doctor because he was dressed like Jesus.

6:11 UM AGAIN few months ago I took this test with a doctor.

6:18 I answered all 30 questions correct.

6:20 They're easy questions but and I'm a according to him.

6:24 I think anybody running for president or vice

6:27 president should be forced to take a cognitive examination.

6:32 I mean you get a guy who gets in, he's got a good line of crap.

6:35 He gets in and all of a sudden you're stuck

6:37 with a man who's a I've heard of it happening twice.

6:42 You know, I think it's his self-awareness that I admire most.

6:46 And then it was time for impressions.

6:48 Rich Little Hands treated the crowd to one of his favorite bits,

6:51 the now classic lady weightlifter routine.

6:54 The father's saying, "There's no way she's beating that guy." So,

6:57 she gets up and she puts and she's ready.

7:00 Now, she's just got to do that.

7:02 She's almost home.

7:04 1/8 of a bound more on each.

7:06 1/8.

7:06 Just a tiny little bit.

7:08 Uh Come on, darling.

7:12 The mother's screaming like, "Darling, I love you, darling.

7:16 Mom, I can't do it." Whoa.

7:19 Can we just get him a theater in Branson and be done with this already?

7:22 What do you want?

7:25 Just likes to put on a show.

7:28 His slogan could be, "Let's go Branson." You know,

7:32 my favorite part of when he does this bit is when

7:34 he follows up explaining how much the first lady doesn't like it.

7:39 She hates it when I do the thing on weightlifting.

7:41 She says it's so unprecedential.

7:44 And she hates when I dance too at the end, too.

7:50 She hates when I dance to what's

7:52 sometimes referred to as the gay national anthem.

7:55 You know, she hates it.

7:57 Melania hates when you do things.

7:59 No way.

8:00 I can't believe it.

8:01 What a buzzkill.

8:02 Why would she hate that?

8:03 It's so much fun.

8:04 He's just trying to have fun.

8:06 We are on week 10 now of what Trump has

8:09 been uh referring to as his mini war on Iran.

8:12 Week 10 is significant because under the War Powers Resolution,

8:16 the president is supposed to get approval from Congress

8:19 for any military action that goes longer than 60 days.

8:22 And we are now above 60 days,

8:24 but he has no intention whatsoever of getting permission.

8:28 Why are you not seeking congressional approval to extend it?

8:31 Because it's never been sought before.

8:33 There's been numerous many, many times, and nobody's ever gotten it before.

8:37 They consider it totally unconstitutional.

8:39 But we're always in touch with Congress, but nobody's ever sought it before.

8:44 Nobody's ever asked for it before.

8:46 Uh it's never been used before.

8:49 Why should we be different?

8:50 And by never, he means 11 times.

8:53 Congress has approved.

8:55 11 time.

8:55 It must be so freeing to be able to lie with no factchecking whatsoever.

9:00 Just say whatever you want.

9:02 He's like fat GPT.

9:03 He just turns out the information.

9:06 Gas prices are now the highest they've been since the start of the war.

9:09 Uh at least according to the totally biased fake news at Fox Business.

9:13 The longer this goes, the worse Trump looks.

9:15 He desperately needs a way to declare victory and get out of this fast.

9:18 He posted this morning, "It would seem that Iran either lost the war

9:23 or the final round of family feud." But I'm not sure.

9:27 Meanwhile, yesterday we got news that Trump's former

9:29 lawyer and the former mayor of New York,

9:32 Rudy Giuliani, was hospitalized and is in critical condition.

9:36 He is said to be recovering from a bout with pneumonia.

9:39 And when I read this, I thought I really thought I said,

9:41 I wonder if they'll try to blame this on me.

9:43 And then sure enough, one of these podcast bozos points to a joke

9:47 I made about Rudy on Thursday about him being

9:49 a vampire and then suggests I might actually have

9:53 some inside knowledge of what's going on in Trumptown there.

9:58 And then that becomes a thing and results in this Newsmax

10:02 panel uh form to somehow pin this on me.

10:05 I do want to play a clip though

10:06 from Jimmy Kimmel who joked about Giuliani rising

10:10 from the grave just days before the former

10:13 New York City mayor was rushed to the hospital.

10:16 Is this supposed to be comedy?

10:18 Well, it's not.

10:18 I don't know what it's supposed to be, but it's not funny.

10:21 He's not funny.

10:22 Can I just say that?

10:23 He's just really not funny.

10:24 Um it's it's abhorrent what he's doing uh in the under the gauze of comedy.

10:33 That's

10:36 right.

10:36 In fact, I'm I'm under the gauze of comedy right now.

10:42 See, the gauze gives me psychic abilities.

10:48 This is how I work.

10:48 Every day in the morning, I wake up, I make coffee,

10:51 and then I look into the future to see which events have yet to occur.

10:55 And then we write jokes,

10:56 but we write jokes that we know are going to make trouble.

10:59 For the record, I hope Rudy Giuliani lives another hundred years.

11:02 He earned that outside the dildo shop.

11:04 That was the funniest thing any person has done this century.

11:11 All right, you guys can take that back to the medic now.

11:13 Thank you very much.

11:14 Uh, now as for the rest of us,

11:16 we have some exciting news from the world of health.

11:18 Syphilis is back.

11:19 According to the CDC, cases of syphilis have skyrocketed by 700%.

11:25 All the great diseases are making a comeback.

11:27 Syphilis, measles, Kanye, you name it.

11:30 Some states have it worse than others.

11:35 State of New York has seen five times the number of cases they had in 2013.

11:39 And if you look at a map

11:40 of the large retirement communities in Arizona and Florida,

11:43 you can see old people are getting it on in droves.

11:46 They are.

11:47 It's times like these when I am thankful

11:49 that the man in charge of our health and human

11:51 services is doing experiments on the dingers of dead

11:55 rodents he finds on the side of the road.

11:57 Robert F.

11:57 Kennedy Jr.

11:58 had an incident at Dulles airport yesterday.

12:01 He captured a bird with his bare hands

12:05 just in time for a keto friendly mid-flight snack.

12:10 That poor bird had a better experience than

12:12 the people who booked a flight on Spirit this weekend.

12:15 On Saturday at 200 a.m.,

12:18 Spirit put out a statement announcing their demise, writing, "To our guests,

12:23 all flights have been cancelled and customer service is no

12:27 longer available." As if it ever was to begin with.

12:32 And why they did this at 2 in the morning

12:36 with no advanced notice, I have no idea.

12:38 But, you know, at least Spirit died doing what they loved,

12:41 which is being the worst airline in the history of the world.

12:45 And I have to say this announcement is a particularly bitter

12:47 pill for those of us who host late night talk show.

12:50 Spirit being terrible.

12:51 It was something every every person got immediately.

12:54 And that's hard to replace.

12:56 We are taking applications.

12:57 I've got my eye on you, Allegant.

12:59 But either way, after two bankruptcies, I guess that is it.

13:04 Spirit Airlines is officially shut down and we wait what did you just say?

13:10 Spirit Airlines shut down.

13:13 Yeah, I did.

13:13 Yeah, that's impossible.

13:15 We're Spirit Pilots.

13:16 We're scheduled to fly out of LAX in 20 minutes.

13:21 Well, your airline went out of business 3 days ago.

13:24 And if you're supposed to take off in 20 minutes, why aren't you on the plane?

13:27 Why aren't you on the plane?

13:31 Because it's a spirit plane, dumbass.

13:35 Well, I I hate to say it, but I think you're both out of work.

13:38 What?

13:38 Wait.

13:39 Well, this sucks.

13:40 I know.

13:41 Where are we GOING TO FIND ANOTHER JOB WHERE we can make 19 bucks an hour?

13:45 Yes.

13:45 Or one that gives us cute little bottles of whiskey when we fly.

13:50 Wait, they let you drink while you fly?

13:52 You drink?

13:52 They make you drink while you fly.

13:55 Uh, would you fly Spirit sober?

13:57 I don't Hey, I got to take a leak.

14:01 Can I uh use your bathroom bucket?

14:05 What is a bathroom bucket?

14:07 to pee in.

14:09 Bathroom bucket.

14:11 We don't have a bucket.

14:11 We have toilets.

14:12 You want to Wow, this place is a lot nicer than our planes.

14:18 They're actually right through that door.

14:19 Want to go?

14:20 Yeah.

14:20 Wow.

14:21 Fancy.

14:21 This is nice.

14:22 Yes.

14:23 And good luck, guys.

14:24 I really hope you find jobs soon, you know.

14:26 But you know what?

14:26 We're going to be okay.

14:28 We're going to be okay.

14:29 Yeah.

14:29 Because when one spirit ends, another begins.

14:37 Oh, okay.

14:39 All right.

14:39 So, you you have another job.

14:42 You work at Spirit Halloween.

14:44 Yep.

14:44 We'll save you a Baby Yoda costume.

14:46 Yeah.

14:47 SEE YOU IN OCTOBER, WELL, we have a fun show tonight.

14:55 Nicole Byer is here tonight and we'll be right back with Jelly Roll.

14:59 So, stick around.