Absolute Best of Amanda Seyfried Shines in Mamma Mia, Ted & More | Big Screen Laughs

0:00 And I found this.

0:03 It's the diary she kept the year she was pregnant with me.

0:06 Oh, Sophie.

0:10 July 17th.

0:12 What a night.

0:13 I don't know if I want to hear this.

0:14 I do.

0:15 Sam rode me over to the little island that's here.

0:18 That's Calary.

0:20 We danced on the beach and we kissed on the beach and dot dot dot.

0:27 What?

0:28 Dot dot dot.

0:28 That's what they did in the olden days.

0:31 [laughter] Stop it.

0:34 Sam's the one.

0:35 I know he is.

0:37 I've never felt like this before.

0:41 Honey, honey, [music] how he thrills me.

0:44 Uh-huh.

0:44 Honey, honey.

0:48 Honey, honeys.

0:51 Uhhuh.

0:51 Honey, honey.

0:54 I heard [music] about him before.

0:57 I wanted to know some more.

1:01 And now I know what they mean.

1:03 [music] He's a love machine.

1:06 Now he makes me dizzy.

1:10 Honey, honey, let [music] it honey.

1:17 Honey, honey, don't feel [music] [singing] honey.

1:23 The way that you kiss.

1:24 Good night.

1:25 The way that you kiss me.

1:28 [music]

1:27 The way that you hold me tight.

1:30 Feel like I'm singing when you do your thing.

1:38 So this guy Sam's your father.

1:40 The plot thickens.

1:42 All this time Sam's been telling me he loves me.

1:45 And now he's announced that he's engaged.

1:48 So he's gone home to get married and I'm never going to see him again.

1:52 Heard Donna.

1:53 August 4th.

1:54 What a night.

1:58 [laughter]

1:58 Bill rented a motorboat and I took him over to the little island.

2:02 Bill, Sophie, win.

2:03 Back on.

2:05 Though I'm still obsessed with Sam.

2:08 Bill's so wild.

2:10 He's such a funny guy.

2:11 One thing led to another.

2:13 AND DOT DOT DOT.

2:15 AUGUST 11TH, Harry turned up out of the blue.

2:18 So, I said I'd show him the island.

2:21 He's so sweet and understanding, I COULDN'T HELP IT.

2:24 AND THAT'S

2:26 OH MY GOD.

2:27 HERE come the bridesmaid.

2:32 Look at you.

2:35 God, stop growing.

2:38 [laughter]

2:39 You sound like you're having fun already.

2:41 Oh, we are.

2:43 I used to have fun.

2:45 Oh, we know.

2:50 Honey, honey, touch me, baby.

2:52 Uhhuh.

2:53 Honey, honey.

2:54 [music] Honey, hold me, [music] baby.

3:00 Honey, you look like a movie star, but I love just who you are.

3:08 [music and singing] Funny to say the least.

3:12 You're a dog on beast.

3:16 Go[ __] my sentiments.

3:21 Exactly.

3:27 So, who is your dad?

3:28 Sam, Bill, or Harry?

3:29 I don't know.

3:30 But which one did you invite?

3:34 Oh my god.

3:39 Do they know?

3:40 What do you write to a total stranger?

3:41 Please come to my wedding.

3:42 You might be my father.

3:43 No.

3:44 They think that mom sent the invites.

3:46 And with what's in here?

3:48 No surprise.

3:49 THEY SAID YES.

3:53 [laughter]

3:52 HONEY, [music] HONEY, how you thrill me.

3:55 Uh-huh.

3:56 Honey, honey, honey, honey, [music and singing] nearly kill me.

4:02 Uh-huh.

4:03 Honey, honey, [music] I heard about you.

4:10 I wanted to know some [music] more.

4:14 Now I'm about to see what you mean to me.

4:23 Woo!

4:29 [music] People everywhere on [music] expectations hanging in the air.

4:51 [music]

4:52 across the room.

4:53 Your eyes are glowing in the dark.

4:57 And [music] here we go again.

4:58 We know it's dark.

4:59 We know the end.

5:01 [music] We see now.

5:07 [singing] You know [music] what I mean?

5:17 [music]

5:15 taking out now is [singing] all we get.

5:19 I'll be promised for [music] a big decision.

5:28 You know what to do.

5:30 [music] [music]

5:41 Sorry.

5:41 Come here.

5:43 I know why I'm here.

5:45 Why didn't Donna [music] tell me?

5:46 How long have you known I'm your father?

5:52 What?

5:51 Not long at all.

5:53 Sam, listen to me.

5:54 My mom doesn't [music] know that I know.

5:57 So, can we wait until after my wedding?

5:59 Who's giving you away tomorrow?

6:01 Nobody.

6:01 [music]

6:02 Wrong.

6:02 I am our secret till then.

6:07 I have now.

6:11 [music] I can't breathe.

6:15 [music] [music] You know what to do.

6:29 Oh my god.

6:32 On your father.

6:34 Harry.

6:33 Now that's why you sent me the invite.

6:35 You wanted your old dad to walk you down the aisle.

6:38 Well, I won't let you down.

6:40 I'll be there.

6:46 [music]

6:51 Now [music] is all we get.

6:53 Nothing.

6:53 [singing] [music] You know what [music] to do.

7:10 [music] [music]

7:20 stand back some space.

7:24 Maybe they pass me by.

7:30 All of [music and singing] those great romances.

7:33 It says if you're robbing me of my rightful chances, my picture clear.

7:43 Everything seems so easy.

7:47 And so I dealt you the one of us [singing and music] had to go.

7:54 Now it's different.

7:55 I want you to know.

7:58 One of us is crying.

8:01 One of us [singing] is lying in her lonely bed,

8:09 staring at the ceiling, wishing she was somewhere else instead.

8:20 One of us [music and singing] is lonely, one of us is only waiting for a call.

8:32 Sorry for himself.

8:34 Feeling stupid, feeling small, wishing he had never left at all.

8:43 I saw myself as a concealed attraction.

8:49 I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action.

8:56 Just like a child, stubborn and misconce.

9:03 That's how I started the show.

9:06 One [music] of us had to go.

9:09 Now I've changed.

9:11 And I want you [music] to know one of us is cry.

9:17 One of us is lying in [singing] his lonely bed,

9:25 staring at the ceiling,

9:29 wishing she [music and singing] was somewhere else instead.

9:36 One of us is lonely.

9:39 One of us is lonely, [singing and music] waiting for hope.

9:47 Sorry, wishing he had never left at all.

9:56 [music] [singing] Never left at all.

10:05 Excuse us, ladies and gentlemen.

10:08 Rosie and I would like to propose a toast to the woman of this and every hour.

10:15 [cheering and applause]

10:16 You're too kind.

10:18 They mean so.

10:19 I knew that.

10:20 Come on up, Sophie.

10:22 [cheering] [applause] [cheering]

10:27 I just want to say for a while now I've

10:30 been living my mother's wishes and tonight they've come true.

10:35 with this and with this.

10:40 Great grandmother.

10:41 I'll be leaving that out of the bio.

10:43 And now I can fulfill one of my greatest wishes.

10:47 Ever since I I was a child,

10:49 I've wanted just once to be a part of Donna and the Dynamos,

10:55 [applause and cheering] baby.

11:07 I have known before.

11:12 I thought it would no more take on a new direction.

11:19 Still, strange as it seems [music and singing] to be, it's truly new to me.

11:32 I don't know what [singing and music] you do.

11:36 You make me think that you will change my [singing] life forever.

11:44 I I'll always want you near you, [singing] my dear.

11:52 I will never.

11:56 You [music and singing] fill me, you delight me.

11:59 You please me.

12:00 You excite [music] me.

12:02 You're all that [singing] I've been yearning for.

12:08 I love [singing and music] you.

12:09 I adore you.

12:11 I lay my life before you.

12:14 I only [music and singing] want you more and more.

12:20 And finally, [singing] it seems my lonely days are through.

12:25 I've been [music] waiting for you.

12:37 I'll carry you [singing and music] all the way.

12:42 And you will choose the day when you're prepared to [singing] greet me.

12:49 I'll be a good mom.

12:52 I swear you'll see how much I care when you meet me.

13:01 You thrill me, [music and singing] you delight me, you please me, you excite me.

13:07 You're all [singing] that I've been yearning for.

13:13 I love you.

13:14 I [music and singing] adore you.

13:16 I lay my life before you.

13:19 I only want you more and [music and singing] more.

13:25 And finally, it seems my lonely days [singing] are through.

13:31 I've been waiting for you.

13:37 I've been [music] waiting for you.

13:52 [applause] [cheering] [applause]

14:04 I mean, that should have been the end of it, right?

14:05 I mean, I [music] tell him I'll pay him off.

14:07 We go our separate ways and that's it.

14:09 But no, he shoots me in the[ __] leg.

14:11 I mean, it's just a graze, but come on.

14:13 Look at that.

14:19 What?

14:22 You should have fought him.

14:25 I should have fought him.

14:27 You're You're serious, Louise.

14:30 My god, the guy is one of the best shots around.

14:32 I look like I have Parkinson's next to him.

14:34 What is that?

14:35 It's just another way God mysteriously shows that he loves us.

14:38 But look, look.

14:39 It would have been suicide to fight that guy.

14:41 Albert, I'm breaking up with you.

14:47 What?

14:50 Yeah, I'm sorry.

14:57 I got shot today.

15:00 I know.

15:02 Wait, wait, wait.

15:02 Hang on a sec.

15:03 Louise, what?

15:04 Where's Where is this coming from?

15:05 Is this because of the gunfight?

15:06 No, I' i've actually been feeling this way for a while.

15:09 You're a great guy.

15:10 I just I realize that I you know I want something else.

15:14 Something else?

15:15 Louise, it's been a year and a half.

15:17 Look, I know I'm just a sheep farmer, but I'm saying

15:19 Yeah, but you're not even a good sheep farmer, Albert.

15:21 Your sheep are everywhere.

15:22 The one thing a sheep farmer has to do is keep all of his sheep in one place.

15:26 All right, I I went to your farm the other day and I saw one in the backyard,

15:29 three way up on the ridge, two in the pond, and one on the roof.

15:32 Okay, that that's Bridget.

15:33 All right, she has a problem with retardation, but she's full of love.

15:35 Look, we're getting off track here.

15:36 All right.

15:36 Why don't you just tell me what the problem is and then maybe I can fix it.

15:40 Maybe if I were older, the timing would be right.

15:43 But people are living to be 35 these days.

15:46 And a girl doesn't have to just go off and get married right away.

15:50 I just I have to I have to work on myself.

15:54 Oh my god.

15:55 You did not just say that.

15:57 What?

15:57 I have to work on myself.

15:58 Louise, that's the oldest line in the book.

15:59 You realize that?

16:00 That's You know what?

16:01 It's okay though.

16:01 It's all right.

16:02 I know why you're saying it.

16:03 It's because you don't want to tell me that I'm the problem.

16:08 [sighs]

16:07 Goodbye, Albert.

16:15 Wait, Louise.

16:16 Louise, I love you.

16:21 I'm sorry.

16:32 Oh my god.

16:34 What?

16:33 That's them.

16:34 That's them.

16:34 Right.

16:35 Uh Quick, let's uh pretend you just said something funny to OH MY GOD,

16:39 YOU are you are so hilarious.

16:41 Where do you come up?

16:42 No[ __] No, you pretend I said something funny.

16:44 Stop.

16:44 Stop.

16:45 Just introduce me.

16:46 I'm not going to I'm not going to introduce

16:48 Oh, hi.

16:51 Hey,

16:50 uh Foy and Louise, right?

16:54 Mhm.

16:54 That's right.

16:55 Uh this is Anna.

16:56 She's I'm his girlfriend.

16:58 She's my girlfriend.

17:00 She's the new GF big time.

17:02 a lot of sexual activity

17:04 all the time.

17:05 It's I I live inside her.

17:08 So, if you want to send me a letter, you got to address it.

17:10 Care of her vagina.

17:15 Yep.

17:15 I have that skirt.

17:17 Oh, you do?

17:18 Mhm.

17:18 Yeah.

17:18 I wore it to the fair like two years ago,

17:20 but good for you for trying to bring it back.

17:23 Well, I figure only a complete idiot would throw away a perfectly good thing.

17:28 We were going to go check out the shooting gallery over there.

17:30 You guys want to join?

17:31 What?

17:31 Yeah, it'd be fun, right?

17:33 Oh, yes.

17:34 Let's make things interesting.

17:35 A nickel, a target, you know, that's actually uh a little rich for my blood.

17:40 Uh, how about a penny?

17:42 What's the matter, Albert?

17:43 Is business bad?

17:48 [laughter] No.

17:49 A penny it is.

17:51 Good lord, Albert.

17:52 You're such a sheepkate.

17:53 Oh.

17:55 Oh,

17:56 wow.

17:56 [laughter] Let's go, Louise.

17:58 You can shear me on.

17:59 Oh, no.

18:00 I did.

18:02 You're so funny, baby.

18:04 Shall we?

18:05 Come on.

18:06 Wait, wait, no.

18:06 No.

18:07 There you go, my good man.

18:11 Indeed.

18:10 Oh, wow.

18:11 That seems unnecessary.

18:13 What's wrong with like ducks or rabbits or something?

18:30 Six shots, six hits.

18:32 Quite the marksman.

18:34 There you go, ma'am.

18:35 Thank you, baby.

18:40 Care to try?

18:45 Got it.

18:48 Just breathe.

19:02 seems you owe me six cents, sheep herder.

19:06 Yeah, yeah, I know.

19:09 Wait.

19:15 Hello.

19:15 Oh,[ __]

19:18 Hi.

19:18 You okay?

19:19 Yeah, I'm fine.

19:21 You must be Ted.

19:23 Yeah.

19:23 Uh, I'm Ted.

19:24 This is my buddy John.

19:27 Hi.

19:26 Uh, my uncle says that you guys are my first clients.

19:30 Uh, what?

19:30 It's been discussed, but um, do you mind if I ask how old you are?

19:35 I'm 26.

19:38 Ah,

19:38 what is there a problem?

19:39 Well, you know, I just don't want

19:40 my lawyer singing Frozen songs during the opening arguments.

19:43 You know, it's just this is a really important case.

19:45 I mean, Ted has already lost his job.

19:46 His marriage has been enulled.

19:47 I know.

19:48 My uncle My uncle gave me all the details,

19:50 right?

19:50 See the thing is, you know,

19:51 we don't want to take any chances because the stakes are so significant.

19:54 So, I mean, we can't just rush in anything.

19:55 We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

19:56 So,

19:57 yeah, we really appreciate your time,

19:58 but I think what we're probably going to do is just take a seat and get to work.

20:01 Trust you completely.

20:02 Yeah, we really feel like you got a lot to offer.

20:07 Sorry.

20:07 You don't mind the pot.

20:08 You I get migraines.

20:10 Oh, absolutely.

20:10 Me, too.

20:11 Yeah.

20:11 I'm going to get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes.

20:14 Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson.

20:16 Ted, how are you?

20:17 Good to meet you, John.

20:19 Nice to meet you.

20:19 Wait, wait, wait.

20:20 What's your middle name?

20:23 Leslie.

20:23 Oh my god.

20:23 [laughter] So, you're Sam L.

20:25 Jackson.

20:26 That's[ __] great.

20:26 Just like Sam L.

20:27 Jackson.

20:28 Who is that?

20:29 You ever seen any movie ever?

20:31 He's the black guy.

20:35 That weed is really good.

20:36 [gasps] Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called Here Comes Autism.

20:40 Yeah, I was just going to say it's sort of like

20:41 this other batch we had called How Long Has That Van Been There?

20:44 Though, it's this new stream my dealer gave me called Help Me Get Home.

20:47 You know, I'm surprised a lawyer like you gets high.

20:50 I mean, aren't you supposed to be fighting a war on drugs and all that[ __]

20:53 Please.

20:53 The war on drugs is a joke.

20:55 It's just a way for the government to inflate law

20:57 enforcement budgets and lock up minorities for no good legal reason.

21:00 And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority.

21:04 Yeah, no[ __] They've denied you the same rights

21:06 as everybody else just because you're different.

21:09 And I say that's a violation of the Constitution.

21:12 So, what do you say?

21:12 Can you get me my life back?

21:18 I'm going to try.

21:19 Hey guys, I'm having some trouble over here.

21:23 What's the matter?

21:25 [panting and gasps] Can you help me get home?

21:27 [laughter]

21:28 I'm having a really hard time here, guys.

21:30 Hey,

21:31 Johnny.

21:31 It's okay, buddy.

21:31 It's okay.

21:32 You're doing fine.

21:33 Doing great.

21:34 Yeah.

21:34 No, I know.

21:34 Come on.

21:35 It's okay.

21:35 It's okay, though.

21:36 You just have to hang on to the wall.

21:39 Don't let the ghost get me.

21:41 How far away does he live?

21:42 Uh, about a mile and a half.

21:44 Oh,[ __] Okay,

21:45 this is perfect.

21:46 We're going to get to the city before 10:00.

21:48 Hey, Sam.

21:48 How's your boring salad?

21:50 Oh, it's actually delicious.

21:52 Everybody always says that about the salad.

21:53 They're all a bunch of[ __] liars.

21:55 No, I love it.

21:56 It's really good.

21:57 Have some Cookie Crisp.

21:58 You need something nutritional?

21:59 Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp?

22:00 Cuz you've been staring at it and you Hey, what's the deal here?

22:03 You You guys ever going to make out or what?

22:05 Teddy, come on, dude.

22:06 No, I'm just I'm just saying.

22:08 You look like you're hitting it off, you know?

22:09 I mean, Sam Sam, you dig him, right?

22:14 Hey, where the hell's my coffee?

22:15 I've been waiting for 10 minutes.

22:16 I'm so sorry, sir.

22:17 I forgot.

22:18 I'll get it right away.

22:19 Jesus.

22:19 You're a waitress.

22:19 You're not building rockets.

22:20 Figure it out.

22:22 What a prick.

22:24 Hey, 20 bucks.

22:24 I can toss a cookie crisp into his ass crack.

22:26 Wait, let me drive.

22:27 I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State.

22:30 Oh, yeah.

22:30 Was your mascot a broken condom?

22:32 Shut up.

22:34 Oh my god.

22:35 OH MY GOD.

22:36 WHO DID THAT?

22:37 OH, Jesus Christ.

22:39 You got to be kidding me.

22:41 We're[ __] Look what you did.

22:42 I swear to GOD I'LL KICK YOUR GODDAMN ASS.

22:44 WHO WAS IT?

22:45 UH, SIR, I apologize for my 5-year-old son.

22:48 I'm sorry.

22:49 Sorry, sir.

22:50 Cookie crisp in your bum bums.

22:52 I'm sorry.

22:53 Well, under the circumstances, I guess it's okay.

22:57 Oh my god.

22:57 Now we're even bigger[ __] Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass.

23:01 You guys making trouble over here?

23:02 Uh,

23:02 no, man.

23:02 We're just minding our business.

23:04 Let's try to keep your boyfriend under control here.

23:06 Yeah.

23:07 Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

23:09 Oh, good.

23:11 I would just get the check.

23:12 Thanks.

23:13 Of course.

23:16 Oh my god, John.

23:17 Did you see that?

23:18 She She was totally giving you the[ __] meme eyes.

23:20 No, she wasn't.

23:21 See, what's giving you the[ __] meme eyes?

23:23 What are the[ __] me eyes?

23:24 Yeah, it's Some women just have[ __] me eyes.

23:27 Do I have[ __] me eyes?

23:28 You have Give us the ring.

23:29 My precious eyes.

23:30 Look, we better get going.

23:32 We only got two hours of driving left and I'm kind of beat.

23:34 Yeah, we got to be well rested for tomorrow.

23:36 Well, hey, I'll drive.

23:37 You can take a nap.

23:38 You don't have a license.

23:39 Who cares?

23:40 Johnny lets me drive every once in a while when he's too hammered.

23:42 I'm a[ __] pro.

23:43 Besides, you know, I've been I've been kicked around a lot this week.

23:46 I I just I want to feel useful, you know?

23:50 20 minutes behind the wheel.

23:53 Yay.

23:59 You can talk [music] about the pit barbecue.

24:03 The band was jumping the people too.

24:05 I mess around.

24:08 They [music] doing the mess around.

24:11 They doing the mess around.

24:14 Everybody doing the mess around.

24:18 BOY [music] NOW to one.

24:37 Everybody here is going to have some fun doing the mess around.

24:42 [music] They doing the mess around.

24:44 Everybody do the mess around.

24:49 [music][ __][ __][ __] [screaming] What the[ __]

25:25 Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes.

25:27 You want to take over?

25:28 You said your parents purchased Ted as one

25:30 might purchase a baseball glove or a big wheel.

25:33 No, it's not like that.

25:35 Objection.

25:35 You can't do that.

25:37 You know what?

25:37 This is[ __] All right.

25:38 This court is trying to tell me that I'm not as good as other people.

25:41 AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING to the[ __] And I Sorry.

25:44 Sorry.

25:44 The homos.

25:45 The homos.

25:45 This is exactly what you've been doing to the homos.

25:47 And I say it's wrong.

25:48 M.

25:49 Jackson, please control your client or I'll

25:51 hold both of you in contempt of court.

25:53 Now piss off.

25:54 All right.

25:54 I'm standing up for me and I'm standing up for the homos.

25:57 WE DESERVE RESPECT.

25:58 TED, shut up.

26:00 Fine.

26:09 Your honor, I'd like to call Ted Clubberlang to the stand.

26:12 Yes.

26:13 My turn,[ __] Ted, do you love your wife?

26:23 Objection.

26:23 She's not his wife.

26:24 The marriage was enulled.

26:26 I'll rephrase.

26:28 Do you love Tammy Lynn?

26:30 I love my wife.

26:32 Okay.

26:32 My wife more than anything in the world.

26:34 We're married.

26:35 I don't care what anybody says.

26:37 So, you're saying you are capable of feeling love?

26:41 Yeah.

26:42 Hey.

26:42 Hey, it must be weird for you guys having a doll up here

26:45 on a stand with no kid pointing

26:46 to where his uncle touched him, [laughter] right?

26:49 No.

26:49 Yeah.

26:50 No.

26:50 Yeah.

26:50 I am I am capable.

26:51 I I love a lot of stuff.

26:52 Yeah.

26:56 Ted, do you believe you have a soul?

26:59 What did you think I would do at this moment

27:04 when you're standing before me with tears in your eyes?

27:10 Will that answer your question?

27:12 Objection, your honor.

27:16 Overruled.

27:16 What it is, man.

27:17 That don't mind.

27:20 Ted.

27:19 Right.

27:19 Right.

27:19 Sorry.

27:20 Sorry.

27:22 Look, I'm not a scientist.

27:24 Okay.

27:24 I I don't know exactly what makes a person a person.

27:28 All I know is I feel stuff just like all you guys.

27:32 And And I don't think I ought to be treated any different.

27:40 Capable of love, aware of his own consciousness.

27:47 Seems pretty human to me.

27:49 No further questions.

27:52 Mr.

27:52 Kder, you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998.

27:57 Is that correct?

27:57 Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears.

28:00 And what is that stuffing made of?

28:02 A synthetic cotton poly blend.

28:05 Is there anything else in there?

28:06 The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest

28:10 which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases.

28:15 H Ted, would you please press your chest?

28:26 What?

28:26 Please follow the instruction, Mr.

28:28 Cleverlang.

28:34 I love you.

28:45 No further questions.