1 Hour of Max and Caroline Being Iconic | 2 Broke Girls

0:00 Forks not laid out correctly.

0:03 Maria forks.

0:04 No.

0:06 Glad you like that outfit cuz you're going to be buried in it.

0:11 I think I'm going to let this one breathe in the kitchen.

0:17 Caroline, I'd like to meet the chef.

0:20 Oh, of course.

0:21 Chef.

0:26 Booyah.

0:25 I'm Chef Oleg.

0:27 Gordon Ramsay once put me in a headlock.

0:31 Please enjoy the first course of my first course.

0:36 A tasty torillini.

0:40 Caroline, this sauce is delicious.

0:44 Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

0:46 This is the kind of lunchon that makes you

0:48 feel like you can handle anything that comes along.

0:53 Pity there aren't more guests to enjoy it.

0:57 DARLING, WELL, I hope I'm not late for the lunching.

1:14 This creme brulee is just a vine.

1:19 Don't mind if I don't mind.

1:24 Uh, excuse me.

1:26 Uh, but I I have to tinkle.

1:29 Where's your John?

1:31 Oh, I forgot.

1:33 Yes.

1:34 Um, pardon me.

1:36 Yes.

1:37 Uh, could you direct me to your JONATHAN ASTRED?

1:51 DARLING, I wasn't sure what to expect from one of your lunches.

1:55 You know, since the scandal, since you lost all of YOUR

2:02 I mean, uh, lunch is over.

2:04 Gertude is leaving.

2:06 Scandal?

2:07 What scandal?

2:08 Oh, you know the horror of you not HAVING ANY MORE MONEY?

2:13 MAYDAY, DOUBLE TINGLE.

2:14 MARIA, do something.

2:16 Oh, so you mean she doesn't want to talk about the fact that she's lost all her?

2:25 Oh, it's Crystal that broke.

2:26 I thought it was one of Astrid's bones.

2:30 I'll replace it.

2:31 I mean, I can't, but it's the right thing to say right now.

2:36 Maria, that's my good crystal, and it's not replaceable, unlike you.

2:42 Now go.

2:43 Fine, I'll go to wherever Maria lives.

2:51 But just know your granddaughter worked really hard to make this lunch all nice.

2:55 No, you don't have to go.

2:57 Oh, can I go?

3:02 Maybe I should go, too.

3:03 Would anyone buy that?

3:04 I had plans.

3:06 No one is going.

3:07 I'm just going to pick up the broken crystal

3:09 and we'll just continue to have the best lunchon ever.

3:13 Caroline, let the help do that.

3:15 Get up off her floor.

3:18 You are not one of them.

3:22 Actually, yes, I am.

3:26 Grammy, you may have been in a coma, but I feel like it's me that just woke up.

3:31 For the past 5 years, I have really been missing all of this.

3:36 But it's not good crystal that makes a life.

3:39 It's good people.

3:41 people like them and they are not the help but they did come

3:47 here to help me cuz you and I might be related but these people

3:51 are my family now and also I should tell you I don't work

3:58 on Wall Street I work in Brooklyn in a diner see I'm a waitress

4:07 that's debatable I don't understand.

4:16 But you're a channing.

4:18 How could you be a waitress?

4:21 Because she lost all her money when you lost all your money.

4:30 Come on.

4:30 What is she saying?

4:31 Nothing.

4:32 She's saying nothing.

4:33 I'm saying you're poor.

4:45 I leave for two minutes and the party really goes downhill.

4:50 I have wept in the arms of my loving wife, Peggy.

4:57 I have wept about the plight of these two girls,

5:00 and I am very thankful that we could all pull together to ease their pain.

5:15 MAX and Caroline, come closer to me.

5:21 Bosser, does he know we don't have penises?

5:24 Come close so I can present you your giant check.

5:30 I just wish I'd brought my giant wallet.

5:32 No one has to know we're getting money from them.

5:35 Right now, millions of people are watching as we stream live around the world.

5:41 Oh, this is streaming right now, Max.

5:44 This is streaming.

5:45 I'm streaming a little my pants about this chat right now.

5:49 All around the world, people are seeing what morals look like.

5:56 These are the girls who are standing up against the deviants,

6:00 THE DIVORCERS, THE SCIENTISTS, THE HIP HOP LOVERS, and the doobie smokers.

6:10 Whoa.

6:11 I don't like people or science either,

6:13 but ain't nothing wrong with a righteous doob.

6:16 We need to show the world that we will

6:19 not tolerate these deviants and these DEGENERATES ANY LONGER.

6:27 I DON'T WANT TO BE associated with these people.

6:29 The gays will hate us forever.

6:31 And when I get an interior, I want it decorated.

6:35 People watching everywhere, MEET THE TWO NEW FACES OF FAMILY.

6:44 You know what we have to do, right?

6:45 On the count of three.

6:47 One, two.

6:51 Look away, Peggy.

6:54 Hold me, Terry.

6:58 I just got a $20 tip on a $10 check.

7:02 I may be the greatest waitress ever,

7:04 and strangely, that doesn't make me want to die.

7:08 You're finally getting the hang of a job you've had for years.

7:11 Is your last name Obama?

7:16 Another big tip.

7:17 I think it's my smile.

7:25 Well, something's smiling.

7:28 Pick up.

7:29 Patty melt.

7:30 Correction.

7:31 Panty melt.

7:34 Caroline, you have what, Max?

7:35 Pride in a job well done.

7:36 Yes, some of us can still feel pride.

7:40 Yeah, but only for about another 10 seconds.

7:46 Caroline.

7:48 Oh no.

7:48 Oh no.

7:49 This reminds me of when I SAW MY MOTHER'S SIDE BOOB.

7:54 WELL, MAX, you have to say something.

7:57 Um, Caroline.

7:58 Hey, look.

7:58 I just got a $10 tip from this guy and I spilled coffee on his face.

8:04 Screw it.

8:04 I'm taking the ass train to Money Town.

8:08 Oh, nope.

8:09 Not wearing underwear.

8:13 These match the prince found at an Arby's break-in in '07.

8:16 It's purely coincidental.

8:19 I can't believe this is happening to me.

8:21 My life is over.

8:23 Look at the camera.

8:27 I'm so humiliated.

8:29 And turn to the side.

8:33 Ma'am, this isn't Vogue behind bars.

8:38 Sorry, officer.

8:39 She's a virgin.

8:41 Me and myself spent some time in the juvie system up in Providence.

8:44 You know, a family court judge named Shelly.

8:47 No.

8:48 Go.

8:50 Oh, officer.

8:51 Hold.

8:56 Thanks, but stay away during the full body cavity search.

9:02 Proceed.

9:01 You think so?

9:07 You girls broke into an old lady's house,

9:09 got halfway through the window, and stole absolutely nothing.

9:14 Glad I'm protecting the city from you.

9:16 I mean, ISIS is who, right?

9:20 All right, let's go.

9:22 If he had just texted me, none of this would be happening.

9:25 I wouldn't be in prison.

9:26 I'd be home.

9:27 My other prison.

9:29 Uh, wait.

9:30 Uh, if who had texted you?

9:32 Thanks for asking.

9:34 This guy I slept with didn't text me for 2 weeks

9:36 after we had sex and I left my rings at his place.

9:38 So, I You did the two week rule?

9:44 Yeah, but she got the wrong apartment because

9:46 knowing her, her eyes were closed the whole time.

9:50 Well, why didn't you say so?

9:52 WE GOT A TWO WEEK RULE over here.

9:56 See?

9:56 Uh, right over here.

9:57 We'll get you out soon.

9:59 I left my billy club at the captain's house.

10:02 He's got three more days.

10:07 It's going to be fine.

10:08 We'll just chill here for an hour.

10:10 It's like an edgier lens crafters.

10:13 What am I going to tell my father?

10:16 A prison to prison call.

10:18 I can't be here.

10:19 I CAN'T BE HERE.

10:20 NO.

10:21 NO.

10:21 COME BACK.

10:21 WE WERE GOOD.

10:25 Dumb move.

10:27 Dumber than me and the captain.

10:31 Let me guess.

10:32 Our glasses won't be ready IN AN HOUR.

10:37 I CAN'T BELIEVE you got us arrested in jail.

10:42 Where are we going?

10:43 I mean, besides nowhere in life.

10:46 You girls lost your get out of jail free card.

10:48 You're going to have to get someone to bail you out.

10:50 You're going in the holding cell.

10:53 YO, FRESH MEAT.

10:57 SORRY.

10:57 I I have a reputation to uphold.

11:06 Max, I'm scared.

11:07 I got this.

11:09 YO, SHE'S ALREADY MY[ __] SO SHE CAN'T BE ANYONE ELSE.

11:13 SORRY.

11:16 Hold my belt.

11:20 What?

11:19 Do it.

11:22 Sup, s cool.

11:26 50 women, one toilet.

11:28 It's like backstage at the view, Max.

11:34 I can't handle this.

11:35 I can't handle this.

11:36 I couldn't even watch the GREEN MILE.

11:39 RELAX.

11:40 THIS is play jail.

11:41 It's not like we're doing real time.

11:42 Just put on your game face.

11:45 I don't have a game face.

11:47 Unless the game is I give up.

11:48 My life is over.

11:49 Then this will do.

11:53 Well, do something because that's about to get wiped off your face

11:56 by the bruiser covered in tattoos making her way to us right now.

12:00 Hey, you guys signing up for the talent show?

12:06 Excuse me?

12:08 Yeah, some of us have been in here for days due to prison overcrowding.

12:12 So, the guards let us put on the show.

12:14 As long as nobody dies.

12:18 Wow, prison has changed.

12:20 Maybe I have a Norman Rockwell idea of prison,

12:22 but uh what happened to shanking a snitch in the food line?

12:26 Talent show?

12:27 That's not scary at all.

12:28 You know, I won my yacht club talent show

12:31 three years in a row in the 10 to13 division.

12:34 That's crazy.

12:35 I'm looking at 10 to 13 for Grand Theft Auto.

12:39 We'rema manners.

12:40 I'm Tania.

12:42 I'm Max.

12:42 This is Caroline.

12:43 But you can call us by our gang names.

12:46 White Lightning and the Blade.

12:50 Oh no.

12:50 I am going to wake him up.

12:52 Free model penis is my REWARD FOR DOING

12:54 EVERYTHING and being tied to a rock like you.

12:58 See, I can't get away cuz you're the rock and YOU'RE HEAVIER THAN MY BALLOON.

13:04 HEY,

13:06 STOP.

13:06 THIS IS CLEANING JOB, NOT GORGEOUS LADIES of wrestling.

13:11 Good thing I stopped by to check on you.

13:12 What is all this?

13:14 You explain it.

13:14 I'm going to go wake the hot model up.

13:16 He left a note.

13:17 Just doing my job as usual.

13:24 So, you think I'm holding Max back?

13:26 What kind of question is this?

13:28 Yes.

13:30 Well, you're wrong.

13:31 We're a great team.

13:33 And yes, there are some things she's better

13:34 at, but there are other areas where I excel.

13:37 Oh, well, I don't see Dan.

13:39 That's probably because of your eye.

13:44 Did you wake him up?

13:45 Uh, no.

13:46 I think he might be dead.

13:53 Oh, no.

13:53 Not the hot one.

13:55 Oh, he's my favorite.

13:57 This is all I need on Yelp.

14:00 Well, we should call 911.

14:02 No, I got it.

14:03 What are you going to do?

14:05 I'm going to give him mouth to mouth.

14:16 I didn't know there was so much tongue involved.

14:20 God, this is not working.

14:23 But you know what?

14:23 I I know he's still alive because his manhood is knocking on my lady door.

14:38 You must have taken too many of those pills on the table.

14:40 Pills?

14:41 I got this.

14:42 Max, go get some hydrogen peroxide.

14:44 Sophie, step aside now.

14:45 All right.

14:47 You sure you know what you're doing?

14:48 My friend Chase said Odeed like three times in college,

14:51 and I brought her back twice.

14:55 There you go.

14:56 Bring him up.

14:58 You hold his head back.

14:59 Open his mouth.

15:05 Back up.

15:15 I'm starting to see your worst.

15:20 So, when are these losers arriving?

15:23 They're not losers.

15:24 They're just girls paying us to have a fun weekend in our apartment.

15:28 What losers?

15:32 Now, that is a hand that scooped some ice cream.

15:42 Hi.

15:42 Are you Caroline?

15:44 Oh my god, they really are models.

15:46 Hi, I'm Lily.

15:47 Oh, shoot.

15:48 Now I'm gay.

15:51 Lily as in Lily Aldridge.

15:53 And I'm Martha Hunt.

15:55 Martha Hunt and Lily Aldridge.

15:56 Max, do you know who they are?

15:58 Sure do.

15:59 This one is the girl that I leave this one for.

16:04 No, Max.

16:05 They're all Victoria's Secret models.

16:07 Yeah, we all wanted to hang out in New York before we leave for London.

16:10 We're doing the fashion show there.

16:12 I worked at the Victoria's Secret at the mall for one day.

16:15 got fired for eating Panda Express over the thongs.

16:19 This is Max.

16:19 I'm Caroline.

16:20 I used to be rich.

16:22 It just felt like I needed to say that.

16:25 And these are our friends, Petra, Gabriella, and Arena.

16:30 Hi.

16:30 What are the odds you're all named after Columbus's ships?

16:35 Come in.

16:35 Welcome to the Williamsburg experience.

16:40 It's bigger than it looks in the photo.

16:42 Well, I shaved off a couple inches for the photo.

16:45 You know the drill.

16:47 So, why the hell are you staying here?

16:49 Is this training for when your looks run out?

16:54 Oh, look.

16:54 The kitchen is so cute.

16:56 Question.

16:57 How do you walk the runway blind?

17:01 It's just that we stay at the same four seasons all the time.

17:04 Well, you will experience at least two seasons here cuz the thermostat's broken.

17:10 It's 40 outside and 100 in here.

17:13 So, as advertised, this is our sauna and our bohemian barns right out that door.

17:19 Just follow the temperature drop.

17:22 Next, supermodels are staying at our apartment.

17:26 So exciting.

17:26 I want to tell all my friends.

17:29 I guess I just did.

17:32 Sophie's apartment is amazing.

17:35 It looks like an Easter Bunny banged a golden girl.

17:41 That was some shower head.

17:42 I'd marry it, but it's already attached to the wall.

17:55 Max hair.

17:59 This bed is like being in the womb without all the secondhand smoke.

18:04 Martha and Lily were super sweet.

18:06 So exciting to be back hanging with celebrities.

18:08 Yeah.

18:08 And maybe now you can get a new celebrity story.

18:11 I was getting really tired of hearing how

18:12 someone thought you were Gwennneth Paltro from behind.

18:16 Still flattering.

18:22 Laughter coming from our apartment.

18:25 What do you think they're laughing at?

18:27 Probably found her account balance on an ATM slip.

18:31 I bet Martha said something funny.

18:32 She's hilarious.

18:34 You know, for someone who's so pretty, she never had to develop a personality.

18:38 I'm gonna go see Max.

18:41 Give me a chef.

18:42 This is good practice for the eventual cliff.

18:48 I mean, we're in Brazil.

18:54 Beers and wings.

18:56 Beers and wings.

18:58 Now, it's a party.

19:00 Max, you know how when it gets hot down there,

19:02 we just sit, sweat, and point the fan at our junk.

19:07 They do it a little differently.

19:09 They are dancing in their underwear drinking beers.

19:13 So, the guy in the corner does that all the time.

19:20 Cheers.

19:25 Can't take my eyes off those beers.

19:29 Hey.

19:30 Hi you guys.

19:35 Do you want to come down and have some beers and cool off?

19:39 BE RIGHT DOWN.

19:41 NOW I WISH I had those wings.

19:42 I could get down there faster.

19:47 Come on.

19:48 Come on.

19:48 Put it in.

19:48 Put it in.

19:49 Put it in.

19:50 I have a whole new respect for every guy that's ever gone out with you.

19:55 Happy birthday, Blue.

19:57 Happy birthday.

19:59 Happy birthday, Blue.

20:02 Where's Blue?

20:03 I've been seeing her all day.

20:04 I just saw it.

20:05 Yeah, IT WAS DEFINITELY THERE.

20:08 YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GIVE Blue that cupcake without a photo op, are you?

20:10 Where's your iPad?

20:11 I just saw it.

20:12 Yeah, it was definitely there.

20:14 Yeah, Han, go.

20:16 You need a pic so you can post it on Facebook or fishbook or whatever.

20:19 Good idea.

20:20 Here, hold this.

20:22 Caroline, you look less flat.

20:24 You finally GET THAT B JOB YOU NEEDED.

20:30 I feel like the baggie broke.

20:33 Yep.

20:34 That's what happened when you get the cheap implants.

20:38 Oh my god.

20:39 There is definitely something moving around in my bra.

20:41 Well, it's good you can still recognize that feeling.

20:45 IT'S RIGHT.

20:46 I TOUCHED IT.

20:47 GROSS.

20:48 Someone put your hand in my bra and help me.

20:51 Why now?

20:51 Now I'm not.

20:54 No.

20:54 No.

20:54 No.

20:54 No.

20:54 No.

20:55 No.

20:55 No.

20:55 I'm afraid I'm going to squish it and kill it again.

20:58 Okay.

20:58 Just get up on the counter and drop it in the tank.

21:03 What?

21:04 Get up on the counter, spread your leg, and just let it fall into the tank.

21:12 You know what?

21:12 Forget the back rub.

21:13 After this, we're square.

21:17 Okay, straddle the tank.

21:18 Pull out your uniform and let it go.

21:21 Now I owe you money.

21:26 Or just squat over the tank like you're delivering a fish baby.

21:32 I'm delivering a fish baby.

21:34 THIS IS WHERE I'M AT.

21:36 Stop asking.

21:37 That's where you're at.

21:50 Okay, now that I saw right, Caroline, GET DOWN.

21:56 IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF PARTY.

22:00 Thanks to those dresses, my life is over.

22:03 Max, did you hear me?

22:05 My life is over.

22:07 You said that when the Chinese food place forgot the duck sauce.

22:10 I'm sorry, but I had a whole other scenario planned for my return to the times.

22:15 Entrepreneur rises from the ashes.

22:18 Now I'm just going to be in the times looking like a stupid ash.

22:23 Sh, girl, just push on through.

22:24 I'm pushing, girl.

22:25 I am pushing.

22:27 Excuse us.

22:28 Excuse us.

22:29 Excuse us.

22:31 Just go, girl.

22:32 I don't want anybody else to get those two yellow dresses.

22:37 Max, did you hear that?

22:39 Someone has worse tastes than Sophie.

22:42 Let them through.

22:44 Now we just have to hang back here and let them get to those dresses first.

22:47 Yay!

22:47 My life is good again.

22:49 MAX KATON UP HERE.

22:54 What was that?

22:55 Like a second?

22:57 I SAVED YOU SPACE UP FRONT.

22:59 COME ON.

23:01 WELL, it's over.

23:02 As soon as they cut that ribbon,

23:04 Sophie's going to marsh on Lynch everyone who

23:06 gets in the way of us in those dresses.

23:08 There's only one way out of this, and you called it earlier.

23:11 You have to let them trample you.

23:14 I'm serious.

23:16 I'M NOT ABOUT to be trampled on purpose.

23:18 See if you still feel that way after I say these next few words.

23:22 Pictured from left, Caroline Channon.

23:24 Try to fend off any heels you see heading for my eyes.

23:28 Attention ladies.

23:31 As you see, I have the big scissors,

23:33 which can only mean it's time to trim some nose hairs.

23:41 That Carl is crazy.

23:44 Annual bridal sale is now.

23:47 Max, hold my hand.

23:50 OPEN.

23:55 LADIES, LADIES, one at a time.

24:00 Well, I may be limping down the aisle,

24:03 but at least I won't be limping in something

24:05 Swiffer might solve the dust off ceiling fans.

24:10 Oh my god, you Here she come.

24:12 Here she come.

24:16 My girl RHONDA HAD THAT DRESS FIRST.

24:18 OH, YOUR GIRL'S GOING TO HAVE TO PRY IT OUT OF MY CO DEAD HANDS.

24:22 HEY, CAROLINE.

24:23 RIGHT ON.

24:29 Follow me to the changing room.

24:34 I'm never coming out in this dress.

24:36 I'm scared.

24:38 On the count of one, two.

24:45 Maybe it's not that bad.

24:52 It's bad.

24:56 Okay, so you're telling me Versace got murdered,

24:59 but no one's taken out WHOEVER MADE THESE?

25:03 I know.

25:04 I feel like Tweety Bird is going to sue us for copyright infringement.

25:09 Feel like we should have giant toilet paper rolls under here.

25:14 Well, maybe we'll like these better when we're out of this bright light.

25:17 Max, we are the bright light.

25:21 Ladies, you forgot the matching hats.

25:27 THERE'S MORE.

25:29 OH, if anyone finds a Xanax, it's mine.

25:33 It's knocked out of my hand by two

25:35 women duking it out over a chint mermaid dress.

25:40 Oh, now it looks good.

25:48 There's Xanax on the loose and I'm just standing here.

25:52 At least if I was high, I'd have an excuse to be wearing this.

25:56 Here, pilly pilly.

25:57 Here, pilly pill girl.

26:02 For real.

26:03 You look like straight up crap in that dress.

26:07 For real.

26:08 You white girls can't pull that color off.

26:10 That's a waste of popping lemon yellow.

26:13 I know.

26:13 Oh, I am way too white for this.

26:16 She's also too white to say turned up all the time, but that hasn't stopped her.

26:21 This dress was not my choice.

26:24 I hate everything about it.

26:25 This is a disaster.

26:26 This is dress again.

26:28 Yeah, but in a good way.

26:32 You two don't want to wear the dresses?

26:34 You don't have to.

26:36 But I thought you wanted us to match the balloons and the ducks.

26:42 Max, she said we don't have to wear the dress.

26:45 Don't question her.

26:46 That's like questioning a prison guard when he says you're free to go.

26:51 Sophie, are you sure you don't care?

26:54 Oh, yeah, sure.

26:56 They're all yours, Destiny's Child.

27:06 Okay, who's next?

27:07 I washed IT OUT.

27:08 NOBODY ELSE SHOW up in this thing.

27:10 I mean it.

27:11 Well, after I crush this, you want to come back to my dorm room?

27:14 I have a junior suite.

27:17 You're sweet, Junior.

27:18 But I have a boyfriend who could be your father.

27:20 He also could be my father.

27:21 I've never met the man.

27:23 No, not till 3:00.

27:25 Just a minute, young man.

27:26 There is no underage drinking here.

27:28 This is college.

27:33 Hello.

27:33 Oh, hi, Oleg.

27:35 I lost Sophie again.

27:37 She's like a sexy set of car keys.

27:40 Hey, no random uncommitted sex here.

27:44 This is college.

27:48 I have a computer full of videos that says you're wrong.

27:52 I can't talk now and I have my own problems.

27:55 I don't know where the RA is, so I've had to step up.

27:58 We're like the Marines of no funny business.

28:02 That better not be a joint.

28:06 Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.

28:10 Sophie won't even let me feed Barbara.

28:12 She says fathers aren't equipped for the job.

28:15 Well, she does have a point.

28:16 You don't have boobs.

28:18 Anyone ever tell you you're a real buzzkill?

28:22 I have to go.

28:23 I hear zippers unzipping.

28:27 Are you just on the phone with poison control?

28:29 Because I told you Steve's going to be fine.

28:34 Steve breathing, I think.

28:36 Now take up your top and shot a beer with me.

28:39 MY SPEECH IS tomorrow and this talk gets a lot of compliments.

28:44 I just want you to have fun at college for once.

28:46 Can you do that for me?

28:47 I do things for you all the time.

28:49 You remember when I told you data was chestnut that farted?

28:52 Fine.

28:53 If I have one drink, will you roll Steve out of here and get everyone to leave?

29:04 KILL.

29:08 The bus kill now,[ __] Corrupting dorks is meaningful work.

29:18 Who wants to see me pretend bang Steve again?

29:24 Do it for real.

29:28 Caroline, what are you doing?

29:30 You of all people should know you can't have a party here.

29:33 This is college.

29:35 Get off my back, nar.

29:37 Who's this?

29:43 My fiance.

29:47 Guess we got to make it even.

29:57 Oh my god, I love college Caroline so much more than all other Carolines.

30:07 Thanks for lending him clothes.

30:08 I told him to get something cool, so he bought a short sleeve suit.

30:13 It's part of the Steven Seagal summer collection.

30:17 Hey, you ready?

30:20 Yeah, you look so handsome.

30:23 Let me just fix that hair.

30:24 It's still doing that thing that I hate.

30:28 Actually, it might just be the shape of your head.

30:31 Walk a little in front of me.

30:32 I want to share this moment with you, but I want to do it alone.

30:41 Okay.

30:42 Okay.

30:42 Wait.

30:42 Wait.

30:42 Wait.

30:43 Wait.

30:43 Bobby.

30:44 I'm going.

30:44 I'm going as fast as my big shot.

30:50 Oh, Bobby.

30:51 No.

30:51 I'm serious.

30:55 I can't believe this is happening.

30:57 AND BOBBY'S HAIR IS STILL STICKING UP.

31:00 OH MY GOD, THIS is worse than Eric Stone Street's nip slip.

31:10 Max.

31:14 Randy.

31:16 Max.

31:18 I love to stay and talk, but I just remembered I have to run away.

31:27 Brad, a little help.

31:30 You're on your own.

31:36 Welcome to the Tristan Evans Salon.

31:38 Hi.

31:38 Hello.

31:39 We're here for the student haircut.

31:43 I'm sorry.

31:44 The $6 haircuts for poor people from the people

31:46 who don't really know how to cut hair either.

31:49 That's not true.

31:50 This is the Tristan Evans salon.

31:52 I'm sure that everyone that's enrolled here is a genius.

31:54 At least tell me they're gay.

31:57 Just have a seat over there.

31:58 I'll have somebody come up from the hair school.

32:00 It's so loud.

32:03 Hair school.

32:03 Got it.

32:04 We'll just take a seat over there till they arrive.

32:08 Girl, you just sit there, relax, and let Jamus make this head major.

32:13 So weird cuz I majored in head.

32:17 Girl, you are all everything.

32:21 Oh, that's a little cold.

32:23 I'm sorry.

32:23 What was your name again?

32:25 Dan.

32:27 Uhhuh.

32:27 Dan.

32:28 So just Dan.

32:29 You're not like a Danny or a Dantrell.

32:35 Dan.

32:35 I need to get conditioner.

32:37 Damn it, Max.

32:38 I got a straight one.

32:40 This makes you think he's straight.

32:41 He keeps pushing my head down before I'm ready.

32:47 Is the water too warm?

32:49 Why are my pants too wet?

32:52 Girl, are we in love?

32:55 Sex, I need you to give me your gay.

32:58 Yeah, right.

32:59 But give me my left nut before I give you my gay.

33:03 You weren't even going to get your hair done.

33:05 Yeah, but I always wanted to know what it felt like to get

33:07 a shampoo without a school nurse running that tiny comb through my hair.

33:13 Dan, I have a magazine over there with a photo of a chic pissy choppy bob.

33:18 You can do that, right?

33:19 Sure.

33:19 PC Bob.

33:20 Got it.

33:24 What's up?

33:27 St.

33:30 Okay, done.

33:31 You're ready to cut.

33:35 Let's go.

33:35 I can't risk some discount hetero cutting my hair.

33:39 I'll see you at home.

33:40 I'm pretty close to a hair gm.

33:42 Should have been mine.

33:43 I haven't had a hair gm in years.

33:46 She hasn't had any gasm in years.

33:50 Pop a squat over here behind the float.

33:51 I'll block you so no one will see and the 15 high

33:54 school marching bands will mask the sound of you hitting rock bottom.

33:59 Give me that thing.

34:00 Damn it, Max.

34:00 Damn it.

34:01 How do I do this?

34:03 Well, I do have my masters in public urination from Debry.

34:07 Just unzip, put it in your pants, and let a river run through it.

34:10 Always looking, right?

34:12 Nope.

34:18 Hey, Caroline.

34:24 Sophie, you were in the parade.

34:27 Of course I was.

34:28 You can't be a volunteer firefighter without being in the parade.

34:32 You're a volunteer firefighter.

34:35 Well, I do go down to the station voluntarily.

34:39 Besides, every fire station needs a pole.

34:42 And I'm baby.

34:45 ANYWAY, WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLNEY.

34:47 Shots on me.

34:48 And by that I mean shots on me.

34:55 Come on.

34:55 When the fireman's pole offers you drinks, you say yes.

34:59 Max, I am not going back in there.

35:01 In fact, I'm treating you to a drink at the plaza.

35:03 You know that money we were saving for our funeral?

35:06 That's no longer an issue because I just died right there.

35:10 Rest in pee, Caroline.

35:13 I have one question.

35:15 Do you want to live?

35:16 Actually, today I could go either way.

35:19 You see this?

35:20 Go around the diner and have everyone fill it with the contents of their purse.

35:23 And if you do, nobody gets hurt.

35:25 Okay.

35:25 Okay.

35:26 Okay.

35:26 But uh I don't know how much you're going to collect here.

35:28 I mean, most of these customers pay

35:30 with coins or fresh tomatoes from their garden.

35:34 Uh Earl, listen up.

35:35 We're being robbed by that man in the suit,

35:36 and he wants everyone to empty their stuff into this bag.

35:39 Uh Max, I've been on both sides of this situation.

35:46 And the best thing to do is play along.

35:50 Okay, Caroline, I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to react.

35:55 I knew you were going to get pregnant.

35:56 Damn it.

35:59 All right, fine.

35:59 We'll get through this together.

36:01 No, look.

36:02 We're being robbed and that guy in the suit might have a gun.

36:05 No, no, no.

36:06 Just do what I say and stay calm.

36:08 I need you to empty your purse into the trash bag.

36:12 I can't believe this is happening just when I SAVED $2.

36:16 MAX, I can't die.

36:18 And I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform.

36:20 I mean, it looks good on you.

36:26 Are you having a heart attack?

36:29 I'm peeing.

36:33 What do you mean?

36:34 I'm really freaked out and I'm peeing.

36:38 I can't stop.

36:40 Just stop.

36:40 STOP.

36:41 CLENCH IT.

36:42 OKAY.

36:43 NOPE.

36:44 Can't step out from behind the counter.

36:48 Sorry.

36:48 Sir, I can't.

36:52 Why?

36:51 Well, um, I'm peeing still.

36:55 Out of the way, girls.

36:56 I'll take down this.

37:00 Get away from him.

37:02 Miss, you need to get out from behind the counter now BEFORE I PLEASE TAKE HER.

37:05 NOT ME.

37:07 WHAT'S HAPPENING, HAN?

37:08 WE'RE BEING ROBBED.

37:10 So sorry.

37:11 Please take everything that is in my manip.

37:16 Would it be possible if I took my prayer beads out?

37:20 They've been in my family for hundreds

37:21 and hundreds of I don't think so, homeboy.

37:32 You're in my house now,[ __] LOOK,

37:39 I know you're upset about your toy snacks, but come on, it's kind of fun.

37:43 There's only one kind of wet that I've been

37:45 at 3:00 in the morning that I would call fun.

37:48 This is not it.

37:52 Oh, look.

37:54 Under the newspaper, there's some sort of stained glass window there.

37:57 A pretty.

37:59 Oh, you're finally getting the money you wanted.

38:01 And you're so chipper.

38:04 I'm chipper to use your word because we're working

38:06 to earn money to move our business brand forward.

38:09 Stop saying brand and this seminar better be worth it.

38:14 Why are you saying it like that?

38:16 Seminar with quotes around it.

38:17 Like it's a silly idea or something.

38:19 I don't say seminar with quotes around it.

38:21 You did.

38:21 YOU SAID SORRY.

38:24 SORRY.

38:25 I was trying to illustrate that you put quotes around it.

38:28 I am too tired to put quotes around things.

38:31 But if I were going to put quotes on a word, that word would be seminar.

38:36 Oh, and branding.

38:37 And I WOULD PUT BIG GIANT DUMBASS QUOTES AROUND BRANDING SEMINAR.

38:43 MAX, YOU did that on purpose.

38:45 Oh, maybe it was just an accident.

38:51 STOP THE LIGHT CORD.

38:53 HELLO.

38:54 WATER AND ELECTRICITY.

38:56 NOT THE BEST COMBO.

38:58 like some other not great combos I can think of.

39:04 Us?

39:04 You mean us?

39:04 What?

39:05 Now we're not a great combo?

39:07 Oh, wow.

39:09 Sorry I suggested we go to a quote seminar unquote.

39:12 Sorry I'm trying to move us forward.

39:14 Sorry that you think you know how to do everything.

39:17 SORRY THAT YOU RESENT THE FACT THAT I know how to do business.

39:20 Sorry that you think you know how to do

39:22 business and maybe that's why our first business failed.

39:26 Sorry that you took two WEED BREAKS

39:28 EVERY SINGLE DAY INSTEAD OF MAKING work calls.

39:30 And maybe that's why our business failed.

39:33 Sorry that I didn't take MORE WEED BREAKS BECAUSE I

39:36 REALLY COULD HAVE USED THEM WORKING WITH A KNOW-IT-ALL LIKE YOU.

39:39 AND SORRY IT'S MY TURN.

39:41 SORRY THAT YOU ALSO had to stick your nose

39:44 into only good Sophie's business so that he cheated

39:46 and she got mad and then BY AN ALMOST

39:47 IRREFUTABLE LINE OF DIRECT ACTION YOU KILLED MY TOYS.

39:51 SORRY.

39:52 THEN IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY THINGS I EVER DID RIGHT

39:54 BECAUSE POOR ITTY BITTY BABY MAX'S HAPPY MEAL TOYS GONE ALL BROKE.

40:01 Don't push me back.

40:06 Such a fan of branding.

40:08 JUST DO IT.

40:10 HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

40:12 What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

40:15 Got milk?

40:17 Got any other stupid business ideas?

40:22 STOP.

40:24 STOP.

40:25 STOP.

40:25 I'm done.

40:28 NO.

40:29 I'M DONE.

40:30 NO.

40:30 WE'RE BOTH DONE.

40:32 FINE.

40:32 WE'RE BOTH DONE.

40:33 DONE.

40:34 DONE.

40:35 NO.

40:35 I'M REALLY DONE, MAX.

40:37 I'M TIRED OF TRYING TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN.

40:39 I'M TIRED OF PUSHING US INTO CUPCAKE SHOPS.

40:42 And I'm tired of you pushing us into cupcake shops, too.

40:44 shops that we couldn't afford in the first place.

40:51 OH MY GOD.

40:52 OH MY GOD.

40:52 MAX.

40:53 MAX, ARE YOU all right?

40:54 CBR, what is it?

40:56 Do you do you pinch the nose and breathe into the mouth?

40:57 Wait.

40:58 Wait.

40:58 I think you're supposed to pump the chest first.

41:01 Well, I'll never get through those.

41:05 Max, I'm about to put my mouth on yours.

41:07 So, IF YOU'RE KIDDING, YOU BETTER WAKE UP RIGHT NOW.

41:15 AXE, please don't die.

41:16 Please don't die.

41:17 You're my best friend.

41:22 Sit up.

41:23 Sit up.

41:23 Sit up.

41:24 Are you all right?

41:25 What happened?

41:26 You grabbed that wire and I think you got a little electrocuted.

41:30 I always knew I'd be electrocuted.

41:32 I just thought it'd be in the chair.

41:35 Hot air.

41:36 Come here.

41:36 The window.

41:37 Come on.

41:38 Come on.

41:39 Come on.

41:40 Here.

41:40 Here.

41:41 Neil, open.

41:43 Damn, there are shutters here.

41:45 Hold on to the wall while I get this.

41:50 Are you okay?

41:51 Take a deep breath in.

41:52 Breathe in.

41:54 Max, that was so scary.

41:55 For a second, I thought you died.

41:57 Maybe I did, cuz I kind of remember a place

41:59 with flames and you were making out with me.

42:03 Oh, look at this cage.

42:04 I think my mom used to dance in it.

42:09 Here they are.

42:10 These are the ones I had the guy hold for us.

42:12 Only $600 for all of them.

42:14 What do you think, Daddy?

42:15 I like them, doll.

42:16 Wrap them up.

42:19 And can Daddy get something he wants?

42:21 So cute.

42:22 Over the counter.

42:23 And that way when I'm hung over and taking a nap,

42:26 people can still find the cupcakes.

42:28 We can have Ruth clean it and then paint and reupholster these.

42:31 By the way, where is she?

42:32 She was supposed to be here an hour ago.

42:35 Text her and find out where she is.

42:36 Why are you so interested in where she is, what she's doing?

42:39 Are you obsessed with her?

42:41 Max, I don't want to make a purse out of her skin.

42:43 I just want her to do her job.

42:46 Never mind.

42:46 I'll just text her.

42:47 Well, be careful.

42:48 Don't delete any of my penis with a hat pictures.

42:51 Even if I did, it's not a big deal.

42:52 Oleg will always pose again.

42:55 Yeah, but I'll never get that little pilgrim hat back.

42:59 Where are you?

43:00 We needed you here yesterday.

43:02 All in caps, cuz bosses talk in caps.

43:05 Total tool.

43:08 Look at that.

43:09 Texted right back cuz I'm the boss.

43:12 She says yesterday was super hard so she's

43:15 not feeling great and she can't come in today.

43:18 That's it.

43:18 She's fired here.

43:20 You have to fire her.

43:21 She said she was sick.

43:23 Nasty.

43:25 She's not sick.

43:26 She's just taking advantage cuz you're too friendly with her.

43:28 She works for us.

43:30 Yeah.

43:31 For free.

43:32 Why don't you just hollow her out and live inside of her, you monster?

43:38 Um, I don't think we were supposed to get this.

43:42 The dumb one wants me to pick up all this crappy furniture, right?

43:47 As if I'll be at the bar in 10.

43:49 Order me a bellini.

43:51 Who's the monster now?

43:52 She just called you the dumb one.

43:55 Uh, she called you the dumb one.

43:57 It's your phone.

43:58 You're the dumb one.

43:59 She knows I don't talk in caps, so that's to you.

44:02 You're the dumb one.

44:03 Fire her.

44:04 No, you fire her.

44:05 No, you fire her.

44:06 No, you hired her.

44:06 You fire her.

44:07 I wanted to go with Molly big boobs.

44:09 She'd be here right now with four chairs on each boob.

44:13 Why can't you just fire her?

44:15 It's clear she called you the dumb one.

44:17 All right, fine.

44:17 I know she called me the dumb ONE, BUT I CAN'T FIRE HER.

44:20 I want to, but there's a block right here.

44:23 It comes up and then goes, "Nope." IT GOES RIGHT BACK DOWN.

44:27 I AM NOT supposed to fire someone.

44:29 I am the someone who's supposed to be fired.

44:33 So, I guess I'm the boss then.

44:35 Sounds like a plan.

44:35 I'll be in my mom's cage.

44:39 All right.

44:40 Come on, you lowly worker.

44:41 Help the boss pull these chairs out.

44:43 Don't yell at me, boss.

44:44 I'm blocked.

44:46 Wish you had your enemas now, don't you?

44:53 THEY FOLLOWED US.

44:54 WE WALKED INTO A TRAP.

44:55 IT'S AN ANTENNA.

44:57 OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

44:58 OUR INTERN'S OUT HAVING COCKTAILS and I'm trapped ON TOP OF RAT MOUNTAIN.

45:02 HE'S COMING AFTER ME.

45:06 OH MY GOD.

45:08 MAX HELP.

45:10 NO, YOU BASTARDS.

45:11 GET OFF HER.

45:16 Get off.

45:16 MY FOOT GOT OUT OF THE THING.

45:27 MAX, that was amazing.

45:28 YOU JUST LIFTED THAT GIANT THING UP WITH ONE HAND.

45:31 I know.

45:32 And now I'M GOING TO FIRE THAT[ __] Why are you so upset?

45:38 I say worse things to you all the time.

45:40 Yesterday I said you were sad and pathetic.

45:42 But that was to my face.

45:44 I can't believe you talk about me behind my back.

45:47 It's bad.

45:47 I am sorry.

45:48 What can I do?

45:50 Hit me, punch me, tell my mother where I live.

45:54 Congratulations, Max.

45:54 Now you're like all male girlfriends talking behind my back.

46:02 Stop looking at that.

46:03 Delete it.

46:04 This is not what I think.

46:05 I'm not sick of you.

46:07 Really?

46:07 Cuz when I see it in writing, it feels like you are.

46:09 IT'S NOT ME.

46:10 IT'S THIS PHONE.

46:11 IT BROUGHT OUT THE UGLINESS that was kind of already there.

46:17 There.

46:17 I killed it because it hurt you.

46:20 I swear I didn't mean it.

46:22 You have to believe me.

46:24 It's fine, Max.

46:28 Feel like I'm going to throw up.

46:36 I French fried my phone.

46:38 What else can I do?

46:39 I mean, really, it is TECHNY'S FAULT.

46:41 IT'S TURNING US AGAINST EACH OTHER.

46:43 CAROLINE, I swear I will never accidentally say

46:47 anything about you again that I never meant.

46:51 I have to get ready for work.

46:52 It's fine.

46:54 Stop saying that.

46:55 Please stop saying it's fine.

46:56 Fine doesn't mean fine.

46:58 The scale goes great.

46:59 Good.

47:00 Okay.

47:00 Not okay.

47:01 I hate you.

47:01 FINE.

47:03 IF FINE MEANT FINE, that'd be great.

47:04 But it doesn't.

47:05 Okay.

47:06 You're right.

47:06 It's not fine.

47:07 It sucks.

47:08 I'm hurt.

47:08 You're the one person I care most about.

47:10 You are the one person I care the most about.

47:13 Well, right now it doesn't feel that way.

47:15 IT HAS TO FEEL THAT WAY.

47:16 YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND, CAROLINE.

47:18 I LOVE YOU.

47:29 Oh my god.

47:30 Now I'm really going to throw up.

47:33 Max, is that the first time you said I love you?

47:37 Don't look at me.

47:38 I'm embarrassed.

47:40 Now what do we do?

47:43 So you're not sick of me.

47:45 You are the only person in the entire world I am not sick of.

47:49 Caroline, there's a woman here who said she paid to slap you.

47:56 If I had known it was an option, I would have thrown my name into that head.

48:00 Now watch.

48:01 This is how one graciously accepts a gift.

48:04 What the hell is this?

48:09 A wig?

48:10 Either that or you scalped a lesbian from the8s.

48:15 Yep.

48:15 I grabbed her bolo tie and climbed up on her shoulder pads.

48:19 You took away my security thing, the pillowcase.

48:22 So now I'm taking away your security thing, your hair.

48:25 You could wear that on your head tonight and then

48:26 tell me again how this is all in my head.

48:28 Did you have to get the ugliest one they had?

48:30 What do you want for 37 cents?

48:34 Fine.

48:34 I'll put this roadkill on my head just to prove

48:37 to you that I am so much more than my hair.

48:40 I am my attitude, my spirit, my brain, my bravery.

48:44 Maxim scared.

48:46 Go.

48:46 The bangs go in the back.

48:48 That's my kind of woman.

48:52 Cop salad, pick up.

48:58 Uh, hey Sophie, are you here for the mafia widow discount?

49:07 I'm incognito.

49:08 I'm making a drug drop for Max.

49:12 HI, MAX.

49:13 I GOT YOU DRUGS.

49:17 THANKS.

49:17 And I love that you have an outfit for everything I ask you to do.

49:21 Where's the blonde knock?

49:31 Oh my god.

49:33 Did Caroline join a bowling team?

49:38 Max, no.

49:40 Oh crap.

49:41 Rod Stewart just busted us.

49:44 Want to have some fun?

49:45 What's the big deal?

49:46 square.

49:48 The big DEAL IS THAT MAX THINKS she

49:50 needs these pills because I threw away her blankie.

49:52 It was a pillowcase and I needed to sleep.

49:55 She has to rub it.

49:57 In Poland, I had this little thing that I like to tickle before I went to sleep,

50:03 but my aunt threw it away.

50:06 What was it?

50:07 My cousin Nora.

50:13 Give me the pills.

50:14 Nope.

50:14 And Max, you were wrong.

50:15 See, I'm not attached to my hair.

50:17 In fact, I am loving my new look.

50:19 Am I a single mom trying to keep it simple?

50:22 Am I an assistant da in over my head?

50:25 Or am I Chariss Throne in the John Bon Joy story?

50:32 Maybe.

50:32 And I'm fine with it cuz I am not my hair.

50:36 Oh my god.

50:37 Turkey club cutie, hide me.

50:42 On your knees in a bad wig.

50:44 Listen, girl.

50:45 I've been there.

50:47 No, I just don't want to be seen.

50:49 Caroline, I love you, but I can't hear anymore.

50:51 That hair was hard enough to look at in the 70s.

50:58 Fine.

50:58 You were right.

50:59 I was wrong.

50:59 Now, help me get this off.

51:00 He can't see me like this.

51:02 That's right.

51:02 Give me the pills, Max.

51:04 No, you don't need them.

51:05 We don't know where they've been.

51:07 Fine.

51:08 I'm going home to try to sleep.

51:09 And since this is all your fault, you can finish my shift.

51:12 You're on your own, lady who lived across the street from Al Bundy.

51:17 Caroline.

51:19 Caroline, wake up.

51:23 We're at the beach.

51:24 They drove us out to the Hamptons.

51:28 Happy birthday.

51:31 We're in the Hamptons.

51:35 We are in the Hamptons.

51:39 How are we in the Hamptons?

51:41 How long have I been sleeping?

51:43 3 hours, give or take.

51:44 You farted twice.

51:47 How did I not wake up?

51:49 I know.

51:49 It was pretty bad after that last one.

51:54 I thought we were going through egg town.

51:59 Max, you did it again.

52:01 You roofied me, didn't you?

52:03 Of course I did.

52:05 You were crying and babbling about the Hampton, so I had to put you down.

52:10 You promised you wouldn't again.

52:12 The last time I was out for 2 days.

52:14 Yeah, I really just needed to get through

52:16 Game of Thrones without someone talking during the incest.

52:23 What is wrong with you?

52:24 Have you got a pen and paper?

52:28 You knew I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS.

52:29 YOU NEVER WANT TO DO ANYTHING, so I did it for you.

52:33 You took a $450,000 car.

52:36 A car we're not even supposed to be touching ON A JOY RIDE TO THE HAMPTONS.

52:42 You wanted to be here.

52:45 You are here.

52:46 Just enjoy it.

52:48 I can't enjoy it.

52:52 Scotty to the bridge.

52:53 This is Captain Kirk.

52:54 Scotty to the bridge.

52:59 You drove over the dunes and onto the beach?

53:04 Not intentionally.

53:05 I tried to stop it, but this car was like, "No, girl." Oh my god.

53:13 Did it get any scratches?

53:16 Max, get out of the car and help me look for scratches.

53:19 You said you were more fun in the Hamptons.

53:24 Not true, Mr.

53:27 Sulu.

53:28 Fire all phasers.

53:31 No scratches.

53:32 The Lamborghini is fine.

53:34 But thanks to you, I'm a rent a wreck.

53:40 Come on, we have to get this car back.

53:42 We will.

53:43 Geez, relax.

53:44 We still have time.

53:45 Look, you said you wanted to be here.

53:48 You're here.

53:48 And we are not leaving till you do something beachy like

53:51 walk in the water or find a halfeaten lady from Jaws.

53:58 No.

53:58 No way.

53:59 Let's go.

53:59 Just take off your shoes or something.

54:01 No, just take off your shoes and FEEL THE SAND.

54:04 MAX.

54:04 MAX, STOP.

54:05 I haven't had a proper pedicure since Justin Timberlake released a single.

54:09 There.

54:10 Now move your foot around.

54:12 No.

54:13 No.

54:14 No.

54:14 No.

54:16 Oh, yeah.

54:16 That feels nice.

54:19 The cold sand between my toes.

54:21 But Max, don't look.

54:22 That middle nails a horror show.

54:25 Too late.

54:25 Thought I was a pistachio for a second.

54:30 Max, how much do you love the beach?

54:33 I don't know.

54:33 Never been to one.

54:35 You've never been to a beach?

54:37 No.

54:37 What's the point?

54:38 I don't own a metal detector.

54:43 Well, time's up.

54:45 But we just sat down.

54:46 I know, but if we leave right now, we'll still have enough time to blow through

54:50 a McDonald's drive-thru like something from Back to the Future.

54:55 Well, I'm going to write our names in the sand cuz

54:57 it was a really nice thing for you to drug me,

54:59 kidnap me, and steal my car to get me out here.

55:03 Hey, we're friends.

55:06 All right, I'll just turn this baby around.

55:13 Uh-oh.

55:16 What's Uh-oh?

55:19 What is uh-oh?

55:21 Are we stuck in the sand?

55:24 You have correctly identified the meaning of uh oh,

55:28 I love that we don't need full sentences to communicate anymore.