Why Some Amish Victims Stay Silent | Full Documentary

0:21 Woman: Gosh, this thing is dusty.

0:24 [Latches click] Oh, my goodness.

0:31 Look at my little...

0:34 dress.

0:36 Until you are out of school, graduated from eighth grade, you can have buttons.

0:43 So, there's...

0:44 and there has to be, um...

0:48 Four buttons is the rules.

0:51 Oh, goodness.

0:52 This is my— These are my dolls.

0:55 I couldn't have a real little, like,

0:57 Cabbage Patch doll or something because that would have a face.

1:01 [Softly] My goodness.

1:02 This is so weird.

1:05 This literally is a sock doll with no face.

1:08 Good grief.

1:13 I'm sure this fits, unlike some of my other stuff.

1:16 Oh, my goodness.

1:17 What I immediately think about when I wear

1:19 something like this, I can't even barely hear,

1:22 because it's so— Like, I'm already getting closed off.

1:25 It's...Ugh.

1:26 It's so restrictive.

1:28 [Speaks Pennsylvania Dutch] I just don't...

1:31 Like, I just...

1:33 I...It even...

1:34 It's almost even physically, um...

1:38 Like, it brings up all these different emotions.

1:40 So, it's just...Yeah, I feel physically, um, drained.

1:45 Yeah.

1:46 So, I don't know.

1:47 It's just a lot, um, to think about.

1:53 My five-year diary.

1:56 Um, when I was just 14, I was given this diary as a gift,

2:08 like, a graduation gift from eighth grade.

2:12 As soon as I got done with, um...Sorry.

2:20 The area that I grew up on, from the Swartzentruber Amish,

2:24 that was something that was often given as a gift.

2:28 So, I have red marks circled, and that was— Those were the days that, um...

2:37 that I had as a code word, um, that I was, um, raped.

2:46 Choir:♪ Oh, Lord, my God♪♪ When I in awesome wonder♪♪ Consider all

2:58 the worlds thy hands have made♪♪ I see the stars♪♪ I hear the rolling

3:12 thunder♪♪ Thy power throughout the universe

3:20 displayed♪♪ Then sings my soul♪♪ My savior

3:28 God to thee♪♪ How great thou art♪♪ How great thou art♪♪ When

3:41 through the woods and glorious glades I wander♪♪ And hear the birds

3:53 sing sweetly in the trees♪♪ When I look down from lofty mountains' grandeur♪♪

4:10 and see the brook and feel the gentle breeze♪♪ Then sings my soul♪♪

4:22 My savior God to thee♪♪ How great thou art♪♪ How great thou art♪ Um,

4:46 it's been a while since I've been here, but, yes, right there is where it was.

4:52 So, it would have been over there, because you drove the buggy,

4:56 and then you parked it on that side.

5:01 Now, it wasn't very far, but it was far enough that the buggy was hidden.

5:06 So, now I don't like fishing anymore.

5:09 I associate it with what happened, and that's why I don't fish anymore.

5:19 Yes, that's...Yeah.

5:23 I've never come back here ever, this close down here ever since then.

5:31 [Water gurgling] I was thinking about last time we fished here.

5:37 Um...that was before that happened.

5:40 Mm-hmm.

5:41 Mm-hmm.

5:41 So, that had to have been when we were probably 13, 12, 13.

5:46 I mean, it's just interesting that...

5:49 we never talked about it.

5:51 We never...

5:52 discussed it.

5:54 What I can remember is going to be a hired girl for another family.

5:59 I had done it many times.

6:01 I did it, um...

6:02 for lots of people since I was probably nine...eight, nine years old.

6:06 And...he said that every hired girl he ever had,

6:10 he gets to take them fishing by himself for the whole day.

6:14 Um...and then for that day,

6:17 that was the first place that he raped me, and then...he, yeah...

6:25 later here, he raped me again.

6:32 I didn't know why she became mean and just distant, and, um...

6:38 she was a completely different person.

6:42 Yeah.

6:45 So, I'm glad, glad to get the sentencing done and just have it over with, and...

6:51 [Exhales deeply] I don't want to...

6:56 I don't want to have to come back here.

6:58 I probably won't ever come back here again.

7:02 Um...

7:05 I just don't...

7:07 I just don't want to.

7:22 Boy's voice: Well, I guess I'll get it right, so...

7:27 We've got somebody bigger here, rolling up her nose.

7:39 Having a birthday, very soon, ain't you?

7:41 Uh-huh.

7:43 And you're gonna be in the eighth grade,

7:45 and then you're gonna be out of school, huh?

7:48 -Yeah.

7:48 -And aren't you glad?

7:50 Yes.

8:02 Sheriff John DeGeorge:

8:03 Did you ever have someone working with you by the name of Lizzie Hershberger?

8:07 Chriss Stutzman: Mm-hmm.

8:09 And do you remember how old she was about during that time?

8:13 Mmm...15, give or take, something like that.

8:19 What kind of work did you guys and the hired...

8:21 other hired people do?

8:22 Everything, milking cows, stacking hay, pitching manure,

8:26 cleaning out dog pens, morning and night, in the barn.

8:31 Wow.

8:33 So, that brings me to some questions I need to ask.

8:36 Mm-hmm.

8:39 Um, was there every any kind of a personal relationship between you and Lizzie?

8:44 Yes.

8:45 Okay.

8:46 Can you tell me about that?

8:48 Yeah, it was...

8:50 well, you know...

8:53 It happened a couple times.

8:55 Well...[Ahem] in Lizzie's journal, she counted a total of 28 times.

9:00 Oh, boy.

9:01 Does that sound like that could be possible?

9:03 It could very well be.

9:04 I guess I didn't realize it was that much,

9:07 that many, but if she kept her journal, you know, and...

9:10 [Hands hit table] journals don't lie.

9:14 Yep.

9:16 [Clock ticking] [Clock chimes] You know, I...

9:22 This happened a long time ago, and I think, for her to come forward now,

9:28 it was something that she needed to do kind of for herself to work through it.

9:32 I can see that part.

9:33 Is it something that you think has kind of affected you over the years, too?

9:36 Or have you thought about it a lot?

9:38 Well, like, yes, because I...

9:41 I've actually felt...

9:44 that I might have ruined her life.

9:48 You know, I'll tell you, John, the little fun I had...

9:53 it's not worth it.

9:55 Yeah?

9:57 So, you putting on a sheriff's uniform soon?

10:00 Well, we'll see.

10:02 That'll be wrapped up down the line.

10:04 Well, I'll tell you what.

10:05 The Amish aren't allowed to vote.

10:07 Otherwise, my name wouldn't be on here for you.

10:16 [Dogs barking in distance]♪♪ My friend gave me

10:42 this, and I thought it would be— For my birthday,

10:45 I thought it would be a good day to wear it.

10:48 [Whispers] Oh, I might start crying.

10:50 I don't want to start crying.

10:53 [Inhales deeply] That's why I don't want to read the letter.

10:57 [Sniffles] I just don't want to...

11:02 completely break down, but I know it would probably be good if I did.

11:09 I want to get through security before 1:00, so...

11:11 because the Amish will start— Oh, they'll file through there and...

11:21 [Sighs heavily] You okay?

11:25 Yeah.

11:26 I'll be so glad when this day is over.

11:29 I am, too.

11:30 Oh, there's an Amish van right there.

11:34 Did you see that?

11:37 Okay, go left, and we might be able to get in there before they will,

11:41 because they'll go down to the other side and come in.

11:44 All right.

12:24 Maybe have your daughter read it.

12:27 Maybe you read it.

12:29 How do you feel?

12:39 I think you will.

12:42 Yeah, I think.

12:50 Your honor, I'm sharing my story with you today

12:53 because I was shamed into secrecy for 30 years.

12:57 I can't go back in time to tell the 14-year-old

13:01 girl I was in 1989 that it wasn't her fault.

13:06 I can't tell her that it wasn't okay

13:09 for a man she trusted to rape her dozens of times.

13:14 I can only do what is right today and hope you do the same.

13:19 [Exhales] This secret has affected every aspect of my life since I was 14.

13:29 I went to live with his family not because I wanted to, but because,

13:33 as an Amish child, I was denied a high-school education.

13:37 I respectfully ask that you send a message to Chriss, the Amish community,

13:42 and all sexual abuse survivors that no one,

13:45 especially a child, is ever responsible for their own rape.

13:50 I guarantee you there are people in the courtroom today who have

13:54 been abused by men like Chriss and who are still suffering in silence.

13:59 To the Amish children, I want to say that you are not alone.

14:04 All of you are worth the risk of coming forward.

14:07 You are worth all the justice in the world.

14:12 [Indistinct voices]♪♪ [Hoofbeats]♪ Blond woman: You did it.

14:52 Man: Thank you for giving Liz tremendous strength as she read her statement.

14:56 Most of all, we pray that you would be intervening in the Amish community,

15:00 that this would send a message and, Lord,

15:03 if other girls would feel so brave that they might be empowered to come forward.

15:08 I thank you for Liz being a pioneer in this.

15:11 May Liz be healed by helping others heal.

15:18 [Thunder rumbles] When we were speaking earlier today,

15:24 we kind of talked about how this is...

15:27 potentially an issue in the Amish community.

15:29 Nobody wants to talk about it.

15:31 Um, that's why I was the first person to ever come forward in this community.

15:36 There's many cases that I know personally that have happened

15:39 that people just don't come forward and talk about them.

15:42 How do you feel now?

15:44 I actually feel almost more in fear of my life right now.

15:48 They said...

15:50 I'd better hope they do not meet me in a back alley.

15:54 What?

15:54 Wow.

16:11 Woman: Let's go be real women and stand out there and, like, feel the storm.

16:16 Oh, but it's cold, isn't it?

16:18 I'm going.

16:20 Come on.

16:21 Forget about my good hair, guys.

16:24 [Thunder crashing] That's a little bright.

16:31 [Indistinct] I love it.

16:35 I love it!

16:36 Ha ha!

16:37 I know she does.

16:53 Woman: Let me first say...

16:56 we are a safe place.

16:58 We want you to feel safe.

17:00 Our mission is to create a platform for other ladies to share their stories.

17:07 I was sexually abused by my brothers, my dad.

17:14 Second woman: I was born and raised Amish.

17:16 I was a victim of sexual abuse.

17:18 Um, it was a family member.

17:20 I was raised in a really strict Mennonite setting,

17:26 and, um, my father was my main sexual abuser.

17:33 Thank you.

17:34 You guys are all awesome.

17:36 So, great.

17:37 Thanks for sharing this.

17:39 It really takes a lot of courage to come up here

17:43 and still share your story in front of lots of women.

17:46 Voices of Hope was started by myself and Dena.

17:50 We came to Berlin, Ohio, for the second conference.

17:56 I want these women to go home and feel empowered that they can stand up

18:02 and they can share their story and that they

18:05 have met someone here that they can call,

18:07 because some of these women are still being abused.

18:10 I want to see us just having more of these events and more

18:15 resources and more people getting involved

18:17 and more people sharing their stories.

18:19 Woman: So, I'm walking down to the neighbors',

18:22 and I heard the gravel crunching, and I look back,

18:26 and I see my teacher, sixth-grade teacher,

18:30 and he dropped his pants and exposed himself.

18:34 And I ran home, and my mom's in the kitchen.

18:37 I told her that he chased me and then he dropped his pants, and she says...

18:44 [Speaks Pennsylvania Dutch] "Fix your bonnet," and then she says,

18:49 "We need to teach you how to walk...

18:51 [Groans in audience] "because if you move your hips

18:55 too much "or if you're wiggling, you know,

18:58 it can entice a man." And up until I was 16 years old, when I was leaving,

19:05 it had never, not even one time,

19:07 occurred to me that getting raped, being sexually molested,

19:11 that it was wrong or that it shouldn't have happened or that I was so violated.

19:18 You have to be willing to fight

19:21 for the generation of little girls that are coming up

19:24 that are someday going to sit in conferences

19:27 like this because we never stood up and said,

19:30 "This is enough." [Applause]♪ Hard because— Just hard.

19:51 Our oldest daughter doesn't go with us, no.

19:57 On this sheet, I want you to circle three phrases to help

20:01 you remember the truth when you are dealing with feelings of shame.

20:05 And I realize now the abuse wasn't my fault.

20:08 For so many years, I thought it was all my fault and that I owe it to my father.

20:15 The abuse wasn't my fault, and I am a survivor and overcomer.

20:22 The abuse wasn't my fault,

20:26 and I finally realized my worth and value are determined by God and not others.

20:33 The abuse wasn't my fault.

20:36 I think most of you said that.

20:39 I am strong and courageous, and I am a survivor and an overcomer.

20:50 [Thunder rumbling] Lizzie: Oh, hear the thunder.

20:54 This is perfect writing weather, perfect.

20:57 I know that there's two chapters that weren't done, that you said,

21:00 "You have to write some more." If I could get online...

21:05 It just went, right there.

21:07 Oh, thank you.

21:08 All right.

21:09 So let's get online.

21:10 This Amish girl helps the girl from Brooklyn about technology.

21:12 I know.

21:13 We shortened it, but I like this one better.

21:16 "Behind Blue Curtains: A Memoir "About Coming to Terms with Amish

21:21 Upbringing and Childhood Abuse." "Pregnancy and where

21:26 babies came from "was not something that was

21:28 shared "or discussed in our Amish culture.

21:31 "I just kind of figured it out by reading Danielle Steele books." Ha ha ha!

21:37 I know.

21:38 I know.

21:40 Did you ever consider leaving the area?

21:45 I don't want to leave now.

21:47 That's running again.

21:48 And that's what I did when I was 15, and I don't want to do that again.

21:52 They can't intimidate me to leave.

21:54 I can live here if I want to.

21:56 Oh, the house looks terrible.

22:01 I haven't done this in a while.

22:03 Let's just see if I've still got it.

22:05 As an Amish kid, I could do this with my dress on.

22:15 I did it.

22:17 Oh, watch.

22:18 Yeah, okay, now.

22:19 Ah!

22:20 Okay.

22:21 Jeez.

22:21 This is the door I came out when I ran away.

22:25 Well, let's just go in and check it out.

22:27 Oh, it's so bad.

22:28 See all the blue curtains?

22:31 Everything's blue.

22:35 That's the only thing you can have.

22:39 "The Diary." Oh, this is another Amish magazine.

22:42 "Why I Want No More Vacations." Oh, she's going to go to church instead...

22:49 [Laughing] because she can get some pleasure out of church but not vacations.

22:53 Oh, boy.

22:55 But that's being too, um...worldly.

23:05 And the bed was right here.

23:08 And this was that slanted ceiling that...

23:09 Molly: Right.

23:10 And there's only one window.

23:12 You described it so well.

23:14 Did I, though?

23:15 Yeah, really, really, really good.

23:18 I, like, haven't been in here in a long time, so...

23:20 How do you feel?

23:37 I don't ever remember not being sexually abused as a child.

23:42 I was definitely under the age of six,

23:45 and the reason I remember that is because I had a pacifier,

23:49 and I remember the incident with one of my uncles is

23:53 that I went home and crawled into bed and had my pacifier.

23:57 I remember sitting in the living room.

24:01 There was people around.

24:03 They would make sure you sit against the wall

24:05 or something where they can be right next to you,

24:07 and they would reach under your dress, and they would touch me.

24:11 With my other uncle, he tended to, um...

24:13 take me out in the barn, and it would always be like we were looking

24:17 for little kittens or have some excuse to get me alone.

24:22 I was told not to tell, and I didn't.

24:25 One of the things I know outsiders often

24:28 speak about is the children are so well behaved.

24:31 You have to know, behind the scenes, there is extreme discipline going on.

24:36 You will get severely beaten, and I'm talking about kids in a highchair yet get

24:42 swatted across the face if you're too loud at the table.

24:46 You're supposed to follow the rules,

24:48 and if you don't follow the rules, there's consequences.

24:51 I told the investigator that I believe 90% of the Amish

24:56 that leave the Amish community have been sexually abused.

25:01 But many, many of them,

25:02 they will never come forward because you do not bring it up,

25:06 you do not go in and report it.

25:08 You're supposed to forgive and forget.

25:11 That's why I'm going against everything that I've been

25:14 taught when I decided to start writing my book.

25:42 Come here.

25:46 Growing up, I was not allowed to ride a horse because I had my dress on.

25:51 So, I always thought about riding a horse when

25:55 I could have pants on and ride a horse.

25:58 So, I absolutely love them, um...

26:03 and I don't know.

26:04 It's just something about horses that bring you, like, therapy.

26:08 My goodness.

26:09 You guys act are acting like you haven't had anything to eat.

26:12 [Horse whinnies] Woman: Hi, friends,

26:16 and welcome to season five of the "Plain People's Podcast." Man:

26:20 Hello, everyone, and welcome to "Police

26:21 Off the Cuff After Hours," walking back...

26:23 Second woman: Good evening, everybody.

26:24 We're very grateful to Lizzie for being willing to share her story.

26:29 Lizzie, I am so honored to welcome

26:32 you to our "Safe Communities Survivor Voices." She's the author of a book called

26:39 "Behind Blue Curtains." "Behind Blue Curtains." You know,

26:42 growing up Amish in the community I did, I was aware of a few sex-abuse cases.

26:48 Um, but after reading your book, I was blown away and shocked.

26:53 Your book is going to be such a resource for so many people.

26:58 It's very informing because I, myself,

27:00 had very little idea of what Amish actually is.

27:02 I mean, you see things on TV, but I didn't really understand it.

27:06 You were so sheltered and so, um...

27:10 so far from...from what the real world, I think, is like that, um, you have,

27:16 um, a lot of disadvantages, and one of the biggest ones is...is the language.

27:22 And that's...

27:23 The unfortunate thing is it's a community where this is

27:27 so easy for them to be able to do this.

27:33 Well, he only lives about 12 miles from my house.

27:36 I still live in the community.

27:38 He walks around freely every day.

27:41 Um, he is an Amish deacon, and no matter what,

27:45 even though he's been sentenced, I still have to live with it.

27:48 It's never gonna go away, you know.

27:50 It's always there, so...

27:57 You know, it's, um...

27:59 it's definitely better than it was.

28:03 I feel better than I have probably, you know, in about...

28:07 you know, a long time.

28:47 [Door opens] -Knock, knock.

28:50 -Come on in.

28:55 Hey.

28:56 Hello.

28:56 How are you, ladies?

28:59 Good.

28:59 This is Lizzie.

29:01 Remember me?

29:01 Yes, I do.

29:03 Ha ha ha!

29:04 Nice to see you again.

29:06 You, too.

29:08 Lizzie was trying to remember you from Voices of Hope.

29:10 That was actually a really tough day, through a tough time right then.

29:15 [Hoofbeats passing] So, how...Did you move up here in 2017?

29:25 I called the police.

29:26 I was 8 1/2 months pregnant.

29:28 What did you have, 40?

29:30 She had $50.

29:30 $50.

29:31 $50 in my pocket, and I left with 6 boys and 8 1/2 months pregnant.

29:36 Um, got a job at Blue Gate and worked in the kitchen, was prep cook.

29:43 And then I bought this place here, and in that time,

29:47 I was still shunned by the Amish church.

29:50 And the shunning is because you went to the police?

29:55 Mm-hmm.

29:56 There was this discussion whether...

29:59 Do I dare say it?

30:00 Yeah, I'm gonna say it.

30:01 Go ahead.

30:03 But whether the Amish are a cult or not.

30:05 Oh.

30:07 You have to look this way.

30:08 You're not allowed to do this.

30:09 And, you know, there's this box, as we all know,

30:12 and you have to perform, and you have to be in that.

30:16 So, what about, like, your healing process?

30:18 Have you been in counseling?

30:22 I would go to the battered women's group, which I still do.

30:26 What I probably will keep on studying for is to be a victim advocate.

30:30 I have heard most good detectives, officers,

30:35 especially victims advocates, they all have had a history.

30:38 Something happened in their family,

30:40 and they're doing it because they want to help others.

30:43 Here you go.

30:45 There you go, Lizzie.

30:47 Have you had your arm exercises today?

30:50 No, I have not.

30:51 [Mixer whirring] This is not about speed, right?

30:58 So, this you need to put in the microwave?

31:02 [Laughter] Who needs a microwave on a day like today?

31:05 Elizabeth: Sorry, Margaret.

31:06 I don't have a microwave.

31:08 [Door rumbling] My boys come inside and get

31:20 me sometimes when they don't want to listen, and I tell them that...

31:26 it's your, um...

31:29 demeanor with them...

31:32 that you need to be— show them that they're safe.

31:42 I was 21 years old when I got married,

31:45 and I had no idea that I had married a man like that.

31:51 The rapes started early on, in the first few months of our marriage,

31:57 but I just thought that it's a wife's duty.

32:01 I would scream, and then he would hold his hand over my mouth.

32:07 When I came home with a little baby, he would start shaking the baby.

32:13 I did not know of domestic violence.

32:15 I did not know there was a name like that.

32:18 The ministers would come over periodically,

32:23 and they would tell me that I just need to be more submissive.

32:28 They did not want police officers or any people

32:32 from the outside to find out what was happening.

32:39 [Engine starts]♪ In 2012, Samuel was born.

32:47 All of my boys were really sweet, but there was something different about him,

32:53 and he had these clear blue eyes that when you look up at the sky,

33:00 then I always see Samuel's eyes.

33:04 He died at 4 1/2 months old from SIDS, and that completely changed me.

33:10 I was never the same.

33:16 One day, I ran over to the neighbors' because I was so scared,

33:21 and she called the police.

33:24 My youngest son was born two weeks after I left.

33:29 He was early, and he almost died.

33:33 The sergeant told my parents, if that baby would have died,

33:37 Willis would have been charged with murder because of what he did to me.

33:54 This here is the no-contact that the judge put in place.

33:59 "The court also finds that the defendant

34:02 represents "a credible threat to the physical safety

34:05 of the person or persons named below." He knew that it wasn't safe for us.

34:14 And he sentenced him to 10 years, and he told him,

34:19 "I would give you more if your plea agreement wouldn't have a cap on." So,

34:28 for men of the Amish culture...

34:33 go to prison and be charged with crimes like this and be made

34:40 public is almost more than they can take because it ruins their good image.

34:52 "To the Honorable Judge Chad Kukelhan, "my name is John Shetty,

34:56 and I'm writing "in regard to Willis Hilty's sentence.

35:00 "I feel he would be a benefit to society "if

35:03 he were to be released to start a new life.

35:07 "Willis definitely would not be "a threat to his children, wife,

35:11 or anyone he would be in contact with." How does he really know?

35:17 He didn't live with him.

36:53 [Door opens] [Doorbell jingles] Joyce, this is Lizzie.

36:58 Hi!

36:59 Nice to meet you.

37:02 My goodness.

37:03 I just sold one of your books.

37:05 There's only one left.

37:06 Yeah, I just sold one, so...

37:07 I have.

37:08 I have them along.

37:09 So, yeah, if there's only one left, yeah.

37:13 Gotcha.

37:15 Thank you.

37:16 Thank you.

37:16 Ah.

37:17 My goodness.

37:18 That's so exciting.

37:19 It is exciting.

37:20 It is exciting.

37:38 Thanks for doing this.

37:40 This is a very much-needed thing.

37:43 How are you?

37:44 I'm so glad you came.

37:49 Oh, you read my book?

37:51 I have your book.

37:52 I've been thinking about you and if I ever got to meet,

37:55 like, a celebrity, you would be my person.

37:57 [Laughter]♪ I might have to go get some seats.

38:05 This is the most we have ever had.

38:11 I didn't know that.

38:14 Well, I'll have to introduce you to my friend that I brought from Wisconsin,

38:19 Katrina, because she really needs the support.

38:31 I've never cut my hair, but it's not like I mind it.

38:42 I had friends, you know,

38:43 who told me that they look at themselves as survivors and overcomers,

38:46 and I don't think I quite came to that point yet.

38:50 In the Mennonite church, as you know, you aren't supposed to talk.

38:54 Women's voices are nothing.

38:55 So, I talked a little bit about how

38:57 I'm struggling about going ahead with this court case,

38:59 especially with a baby on the way and it being—

39:01 the trial being just a couple weeks before she's born.

39:05 And I admit it, that I'm thinking of totally dropping

39:08 it because I just can't see how I'm gonna go on.

39:11 The district DA gave me a choice.

39:14 I mean, in a case that old, they could have dropped it.

39:17 And my response was, "If I say, no,

39:21 "we're just gonna drop the charges, they win,

39:25 they win." And I'm not gonna let them win

39:28 again and let them keep doing what they've been doing.

39:30 Somebody has to step up.

39:36 We lived on a small hobby farm in Curtiss, Wisconsin.

39:42 I just really always enjoyed, like, the family time.

39:45 We did most everything together.

39:48 I was 15 at the time when I started working at the greenhouse.

39:54 He would have been 25.

39:57 He always seemed like a very quiet, shy guy.

40:01 I mean, I...I really didn't see it coming, I guess.

40:09 He usually caught me when I had my back turned to him,

40:12 and he would put one arm around the top of my neck and pull me back against him,

40:16 and then he would use the other hand.

40:21 I had a friend who was shot and killed in Texas.

40:25 In the autopsy report, it showed that she fought back.

40:28 She had his DNA under her fingernails.

40:32 She went to hell because she was not being nonresistant.

40:35 That's what we were taught.

40:38 Saying no, pushing him away, telling him to quit, that to me,

40:43 honestly, felt like I was the one at the wrong.

40:48 One day, he came up behind me as he usually did,

40:52 and he pushed me up against a table.

40:56 He was very, very frantic, I guess you would say.

40:59 And his sister walked in, and she told me,

41:03 if a girl would stay at her place, things like this would never happen.

41:08 I was bleeding a bit, and I had no idea why at that point in time.

41:13 The minister's wife called.

41:15 She said, "I just want you to be

41:18 aware whatever punishment he gets you're getting,

41:21 too." The last time I came back, we were having a family gathering.

41:27 I was kind of like the outcast, of course.

41:29 Nobody really talked to me,

41:30 but I was sitting out on the porch, holding my two youngest brothers.

41:33 Mom came and took them away from me.

41:37 My dad was put on proving for siding with me.

41:44 Dad's trying to make things right with the church again,

41:47 and one of those things is not to talk to me.

41:50 He needs to weigh his own options.

41:53 Is it more important to talk to his daughter,

41:57 or is it more important to try and keep

41:59 the rest of his family together, you know?

42:04 I don't...

42:05 I don't know.

42:24 Oh, my gosh, Katrina, you don't have to do this.

42:28 We wanted to do the shower.

42:30 You're hosting a baby shower.

42:32 Well, I— Technically, you're supposed to give the hostess a gift.

42:36 Yeah, but not something this big.

42:38 Thank you.

42:39 Thank you very much.

42:40 That was very nice.

42:42 How long has it been since your sister left?

42:45 A year in January.

42:47 So, it's like a year and...

42:50 See, I only left, like, three months after she did,

42:53 not even three months after she did.

42:55 See, I always keep thinking she was gone a lot longer before that, but...

42:59 Do your parents not communicate with her at all even?

43:02 Nothing?

43:03 No, and she's to the point she doesn't want to, because she...

43:08 she's suicidal.

43:10 Her boss called me because he was really worried

43:12 because he found a bloody knife in the shop, and she was— If you see her now,

43:17 if she wears a short-sleeved shirt tomorrow

43:19 or anything like that or even...even shorts, she has a lot of scars, a lot.

43:25 From cutting?

43:25 Mm-hmm.

44:25 Prince.

44:25 Ha ha.

44:26 And you know what's funny?

44:28 Because Darian, you know, knows a little bit of Amish words,

44:31 and he figured out that Prince listens better if he talks Amish to him.

44:36 Oh, yeah, that's what he was used to.

44:40 [Door rumbling] Oh.

44:42 Oh.

44:43 Yeah, yeah.

44:43 You're fine.

44:44 I should have told you to go away farther.

44:47 You know, when they're these Amish horses,

44:49 like, he didn't know what my lawnmower was.

44:52 See if I can still do this.

44:55 Ha ha ha!

44:56 Yep.

44:56 [Speaks Pennsylvania Dutch].

44:57 I'm not sure what that is.

44:59 I've never seen that.

45:00 It says in the reins.

45:02 Okay.

45:02 Like that.

45:03 That's the cup for her mouth.

45:05 There you go!

45:07 See, Menno, you've still got it.

45:09 You might become Amish.

45:12 Amishing again, huh?

45:13 I think I'll stick with my car.

45:15 [Laughter] This is a lot of work.

45:25 I was driving one of my dad's horses one time,

45:29 and he was really spooky, and she was— Shoot, I have to take this call.

45:33 Okay, you have to stop.

45:34 Stop.

45:34 Victim Services.

45:35 How can I help you?

45:38 Um, well, I'm a volunteer with Victim Services.

45:41 Are you having, like, a panic attack, or...

45:44 Okay.

45:45 Are you in a safe place?

45:49 Okay.

45:50 So, my backup's name is Melissa.

45:54 I'll have her call you back right now on this phone number.

45:57 Okay?

45:57 Like, literally within a minute, okay?

45:59 Yep.

46:01 Bye.

46:08 Um, somebody's having a panic attack, and she's at work,

46:12 and she has tried to report her case, and she has not been able to report it.

46:17 And she said she was raped.

46:21 Um...

46:25 When somebody is having a panic attack, like, I know what it is.

46:30 You can't breathe.

46:31 You can't, like...

46:32 You feel like you're dying because you can't— you can't breathe.

46:35 like, you can't, like— And then she was crying.

46:39 Uh...

46:40 Have you ever had one?

46:41 Oh, I have.

46:42 No.

46:43 I don't know what a panic attack is.

46:54 I do.

46:55 I want to look at it.

46:58 Okay, okay, okay.

46:59 There you go.

47:00 That's all I wanted to see, see how deep, what it looks like.

47:05 Oh, it's hot!

47:07 You know, it's a hot tub.

47:09 Do you come in here when it's cold out?

47:11 Well, yeah.

47:12 That's the best time.

47:14 It'll probably feel good till you're ready to get out.

47:17 There you go.

47:17 That's the key for it.

47:21 From talking to Amish people and, yeah, former Amish,

47:24 I see the number of cases going up,

47:27 but I think that's because so many more people are talking about it.

47:32 You know, think about a couple years ago,

47:33 when you first came to the courthouse to hear my case.

47:36 Like, nobody was talking about it.

47:38 I don't think I've ever seen it like this.

47:42 So, can you see yourself become, like, somebody's mentor or close,

47:48 like, father figure if somebody leaves the Amish?

47:52 For a long time, I didn't because I never received it myself.

47:56 I mean, like, at home...

48:00 I never felt accepted and approved.

48:02 But I have a lot of people that have been, like,

48:06 really good to me and accepted me and, like, treated me like family.

48:11 So, now I know what that feels like.

48:13 And now I feel like I could do it for other people, yeah.

48:18 I could totally see it.

48:20 I think you'd be good at it, Menno, because of all the things that you've went

48:23 through and all the healing you've went through.

48:28 I think it happens a lot in the Amish community.

48:34 Um...

48:38 Oh, boy.

48:40 Just what I've seen and experienced with my brother.

48:43 He learned it from someone else.

48:49 I was nine years old.

48:51 My brother was 11.

48:54 And one night, he started sexually molesting me.

49:01 I was always scared of my older brother because he would hit me or hurt me.

49:07 Like, it would hurt.

49:11 And at the same time,

49:13 I was also scared that my dad is gonna hurt me if I mention it.

49:22 Coming out here, it brings up memories of home, and sometimes I get sad.

49:28 I guess I don't have family.

49:30 Well, I do, but it's not...

49:36 They don't let me stop in anymore.

49:40 Finally, about the age of 26, I almost committed suicide.

49:47 I can't really see, but there's, like, hooks over there.

49:49 I was thinking of, like,

49:51 taking my belt and just hanging myself off of one of those.

50:03 It's, like, the worst feeling ever, but I felt, like, so hopeless.

50:09 And then I met Rachel, Lizzie's sister, and that's the first person I ever told,

50:20 and it felt very good to be able to talk to someone about it.

50:28 If it wouldn't be for her, I don't know where I would be.

50:34 Like, I don't know how I would have got— if I would have got through it.

50:38 I don't know if I would have.

50:42 And it's very hard to talk about your own story.

50:46 I am very proud of Lizzie for stepping up

50:51 and making the decision to share her story with people.

50:55 It helps me to be able to share my story.

51:00 There's a lot of Amish that need help,

51:03 and somehow they've got to find a way to stop it or be able to get free from it.

51:26 Santana.

51:28 [Horse whinnies] Come on, guys.

51:31 Come on.

51:32 Come on.

51:36 Some days are a lot easier than others.

51:40 The toll that it takes, yes, on— It's not just a toll even on myself.

51:45 It's a toll on the family.

51:47 My husband did not want me necessarily to come forward and share because, um...

51:53 it affects family members.

51:56 I'll wake up in the middle of the night,

51:58 and I think about the prior day or a prior case that I have,

52:03 and I can't reach everybody.

52:05 But if I can teach a few and then they will do the same thing,

52:09 and that multiplies and keeps going.

52:13 Prince, are you coming or not?

52:15 Hmm?

52:22 Come on, guys.

52:39 Woman: If you have any questions or if I talk too fast,

52:43 please just let me know, okay?

52:46 And guess where we notice our age first.

52:49 Under the eyes.

52:51 And you want to use this also morning and night.

52:55 All right.

52:57 Okay.

52:58 Um, how many of you have, um,

53:00 drawerfuls of makeup sitting at home that you don't like, products?

53:06 I'm sorry.

53:07 You're talking to the wrong group here.

53:09 No?

53:10 Okay.

53:13 Everybody but me.

53:14 You still kind of are in public.

53:17 We still kind of are in public.

53:19 I mean, just for various reasons, I dress Mennonite sometimes.

53:23 But she's still technically not there.

53:25 I did that for a while.

53:26 I went to family gatherings, and I dressed up really nice.

53:29 But that didn't work for long because then I was a hypocrite.

53:32 It's really scary to step out because a lot

53:35 of people are gonna criticize, and also, like,

53:38 in the Mennonites, if you start talking about depression and suicide,

53:42 everyone just kind of goes, whoop, away from you.

53:45 And then they tell you that you

53:46 need to straighten your relationship with God out, and then you'll be fine.

53:49 I just shared with somebody one time about some messages

53:52 that some guys were sending me that were actually Mennonite,

53:55 and they just up and told me, "Well, you know, sometimes you go out into public,

54:01 and you don't wear socks." And that's what guys are messaging you?

54:05 If any guys bothered me about anything,

54:06 it was because I combed my hair too loosely on a Sunday morning.

54:15 Which, I must admit, I did.

54:18 I mean...

54:19 it looked prettier.

54:20 [Laughter] [Indistinct voices] So,

54:28 someone is here that's from the church that I go to...

54:34 or that I went to.

54:40 So, I'm just kind of nervous, because I haven't exactly came out to them.

54:45 You're fine.

54:46 It's time you own the world.

54:49 [Indistinct greetings] I was thinking about my daughter.

55:05 When she was young, she wanted to be Amish.

55:07 Why?

55:10 I don't know.

55:10 I thought it was cool.

55:12 [Laughter] Then I said,

55:15 "I'll drop you off for a whole week." I think a lot of people,

55:18 you know, they see the culture,

55:19 and they appreciate the culture, you know, the lifestyle and everything,

55:23 but once they actually come to the rules and the church, that's what...

55:26 because, I mean, that's what did me off.

55:28 Well, and I think also joining the church

55:30 is so important because it's a heritage,

55:34 it's a culture, and so they want you to— Did you say "cult"?

55:40 Sure.

55:40 They want you to stay in it because I know, at least for my parents,

55:44 leaving the church is, like,

55:47 completely disrespecting everything they've ever done.

55:49 Yeah, you disown the church, You also disown what your family taught you.

55:52 -It's like the whole thing.

55:53 -It's very personal, yeah.

55:54 Lizzie: I always just remember one thing you said— "Well,

55:55 I would only have to go through eighth grade." And that was one reason I left,

55:59 because they didn't want me getting a higher education.

56:04 After you left, they had a six-hour interview with me about it,

56:06 and that's what sent you into hell, because you were getting a higher education.

56:10 So, I was supposed to quit mine at that point in time.

56:13 Yeah, it was six hours.

56:15 God forbid women ever do anything with their lives.

56:21 So I've learned with having a mom who asks me how to spell everything.

56:25 [Laughter] I do.

56:28 We had an encyclopedia that was...

56:31 that was heavily edited, you know.

56:33 Oh, no!

56:34 It had slashes.

56:35 It had pages cut out and Wite-Out and a marker.

56:40 So, I would sit here with the encyclopedia, holding it up to the...

56:44 because, you know, the marker,

56:46 you could still see the words through the marker, so...

56:48 Or if it's Wite-Out, I would scratch it off.

57:08 We're working with a lot of Amish women who are still within the communities,

57:14 and every woman I meet has a story of trauma.

57:19 I mean, she was possibly sexually abused by her dad or her grandfather.

57:24 She watched it happen to her little sisters.

57:28 She's now in a marriage where she's controlled and abused emotionally,

57:33 sometimes physically, sometimes sexually.

57:36 I really need somebody like you to look

57:39 up to because you have so much more experience.

57:42 I mean, I have lived through, yes, the abuse and being Amish,

57:46 but I can just learn so much from you on how

57:49 you handle victims and how you deal with, you know...

57:53 making them feel safe.

57:54 And you don't want to retraumatize, you know, anybody.

57:58 The work is hard.

58:00 It is.

58:00 It is hard.

58:01 It is, and I told somebody it's kind of...

58:04 it's kind of lonely sometimes because what

58:06 victims share with us is safe with us.

58:09 You know, I think the external community has to do a much better job.

58:12 That's the problem, because they shared,

58:16 and they didn't get a response of, you know,

58:19 how you're responding, that you believe them,

58:22 that they're safe, they can share their story with you.

58:25 And I...I see a lot of change happening, but there's so much room for growth.

58:31 Now it is we want to talk about it.

58:32 People are talking about it.

58:34 But we're not sure how to handle it.

58:36 Sometimes when I'm meeting one on one with these women,

58:38 they will draw me pictures, they will do sketches.

58:42 These are plain women, and they are weeping,

58:46 and there's children among them that are obviously hurt.

58:52 When I say, "What is it like to be

58:56 part of this community?" this is what she drew.

59:01 And up here, she's using words to express what they're all feeling.

59:10 In the last two years, I've probably met with nearly 200 women.

59:14 We think at least 50% of women were sexually abused,

59:18 and some folks thinks it might be as high as 80%.

59:24 And what comes up time and again is that they really

59:29 have no agency to get the kind of help that they need.

59:39 There's concentric circles of authority,

59:42 and these women are crushed by all of the authority that is around them,

59:47 and it is all male authority.

1:00:05 The stories that they share are often

1:00:08 of really horrific sexual abuse as children.

1:00:12 They watch their children, then, become victims,

1:00:18 and they desperately want to break the cycle.

1:00:21 And I want to be able to nurture and develop more Lizzies,

1:00:27 because it's the Lizzies who are gonna lead this movement.

1:00:41 [Sighs] I received this letter from somebody Amish.

1:00:51 I wasn't quite sure if I should open it, but...

1:01:07 In my book, I talked about the first time that I was raped was that he, um...

1:01:15 kept saying, "Relax." So...

1:01:19 [Inhales and exhales deeply] [Mouse scrolling]

1:01:25 And this is--this is from somebody I know, whom I grew up with.

1:01:29 Um, it says, "I pray for the family "of the accused.

1:01:34 I can't imagine what they're going through." But she grew up neighbors with me,

1:01:38 neighbors with me, and I can't believe...

1:01:41 I mean, it's just ridiculous.

1:01:45 Somebody I also grew up with, and said, "Julie, that's just it.

1:01:49 "You'd think there would be more victims' stories.

1:01:52 However, there isn't." Susan— "Thirty years later,

1:01:58 she's still looking for attention." Then somebody else said, "The way...

1:02:04 "The way I heard, she tried to throw

1:02:07 herself "onto someone else right around the same time.

1:02:10 "So, I don't think it's rape, "or she would have fought back and wouldn't let it

1:02:16 happen again." And that was also somebody from my community.

1:02:20 Um...

1:02:22 This has probably hit me the worst.

1:02:28 It says, "I was always told that you can't rape the willing." Eight...

1:02:34 eight thumbs up, three with a "love." I mean, are you kidding me?

1:02:43 Some of these people I don't know.

1:02:46 My goodness.

1:02:47 Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck.

1:03:02 I definitely was very concerned about publishing my story.

1:03:07 I was really trying to prepare myself for backlash like this.

1:03:11 Now, some of these people that commented,

1:03:13 I'm sure they haven't taken the time to read it,

1:03:15 and they're not gonna have an open mind on any of this.

1:03:20 But I'm still...

1:03:22 I am not sorry that I came forward.

1:03:38 There are people in my community that would rather burn the book than,

1:03:44 you know, have another person read it.

1:03:50 I'm proud of you, Lizze.

1:03:52 I know it's been one of the hardest things you've ever done in your life,

1:03:56 but I'm proud of you, you know.

1:03:58 Thank you.

1:04:00 Voices of Hope, the first time I spoke was

1:04:03 the first time that I had ever actually shared my story.

1:04:05 That's just really been, um...

1:04:09 life-changing for me.

1:04:10 Like, I feel like it's really changed my life, you know.

1:04:14 Our sharing our stories with each other encourages

1:04:18 each other and helps build one another up.

1:04:21 Dale: What you're doing is gonna make a big difference.

1:04:24 It already has.

1:04:25 That's the thing.

1:04:26 There are already ripples, and they're...they're spreading,

1:04:31 and there's other people that are gonna stand

1:04:34 in the gap now because you stood in the gap.

1:04:42 -Hi, guys.

1:04:43 -Hello.

1:04:43 -Hi, Dena.

1:04:45 -Hi!

1:04:45 I grew up in Swartzentruber Amish.

1:04:47 I was born and raised on a Swartzentruber Amish farm.

1:04:52 It was very, very strict.

1:04:54 It's been 15 years, and I'm finally able to...

1:04:59 speak.

1:05:00 Women are taught to be submissive.

1:05:03 Women had no voice.

1:05:06 You're supposed to forgive and forget and move on.

1:05:08 I know for a fact that this happens a lot.

1:05:10 When I read Lizzie's book, one of the things that I felt was that I'm

1:05:15 not alone and feel like my community abandoned me.

1:05:20 There's a lot of things that you have really went through, and now, look at...

1:05:27 look at the outcome.

1:05:29 I loved working with Lizzie.

1:05:31 This inspired a whole movement.

1:05:36 Two Amish brothers are heading to prison for 15 years, Aaron and Petie Schwartz.

1:05:42 Both pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl.

1:05:45 Abuse-survivors-turned-advocates made their way from Minnesota.

1:05:50 Lizzie Hershberger and Rachel Hawley were raised Amish.

1:05:54 Now they're working with authorities on these types of cases.

1:05:58 I think that's one of the biggest things,

1:06:01 the problem right now with getting these cases brought,

1:06:04 um, to justice is because of the language barrier.

1:06:15 Lizzie: So, what you think is that basically

1:06:18 I'm here meddling in somebody else's business?

1:06:23 Emma, this is Rachel.

1:06:25 I've seen my sister struggle her whole life.

1:06:28 I saw what it did to her.

1:06:33 Somebody should have meddled.

1:06:34 Somebody should have meddled in and helped us

1:06:37 when we were six and seven years old, Emma.

1:06:54 The video in here will just explain a little bit about how the Amish work,

1:06:57 how their system works, when to get interpreters,

1:06:59 because they're gonna tell you that their children do understand,

1:07:02 but they really don't.

1:07:05 So, if you ask a little child, you know,

1:07:07 "How are you being sexually abused?" they have no idea what that means.

1:07:10 Obviously, we can't go into the Amish

1:07:12 community and go knocking on doors and say,

1:07:14 "Hey, you need to talk to us." Things have to be reported to us.

1:07:17 They have no phones.

1:07:19 They have no way to reach the outside world.

1:07:21 We have some cards, some education that we're bringing out.

1:07:26 [Speaks Pennsylvania Dutch] Woman: Thank you.

1:07:33 Elizabeth: Amish women are starting to have a voice.

1:07:36 Does the leadership like it?

1:07:38 Do the men like it?

1:07:41 No.

1:07:42 But I aim to fight until it happens.

1:07:46 Amish just think that they can push their weight around.

1:07:49 And if they would be dealing with it correctly,

1:07:52 we would not have the unbelievable amount

1:07:55 of victims that are coming forward right now.

1:07:57 I mean, it is just...

1:07:58 I've never seen anything like it like it is right now.

1:08:08 Newsmen: A Lancaster County man has pleaded no

1:08:10 contest to the sexual abuse of four pre-teenage girls.

1:08:13 75-year-old David Smucker of East Earl pleaded to 20 felonies,

1:08:18 including rape of a child...

1:08:19 An Amish man pleads guilty in Clearfield

1:08:21 County court to sexually assaulting multiple girls.

1:08:23 [Indistinguishable voices] Linda Crockett:

1:08:28 It seems to be a time when Amish women

1:08:31 are really finding the courage to say, "No more.

1:08:34 I'm not willing to be silent.

1:08:36 "I'm not willing to stand by "and have

1:08:39 my children and my grandchildren sexually abused.

1:08:41 No more of this." Women: You become a wife and a mother.

1:08:44 You do not get an education past eighth grade.

1:08:47 I lived with it, just hidden and stuffed away.

1:08:49 In the Amish community,

1:08:51 there's even a bigger stigma that we don't talk about anything.

1:08:56 I mean, I'm doing another book later on...

1:08:59 Women are taught to be submissive.

1:09:02 Women are taught to be submissive.

1:09:05 A woman really never had a voice.

1:09:20 Every morning instead of evening?

1:09:22 Or you just took one?

1:09:23 Twice a day?

1:09:25 Okay.

1:09:25 Do you want me to stand by you when you read it?

1:09:29 Okay.

1:09:29 Yes.

1:09:30 "Thank you for the opportunity to speak

1:09:32 about "how this crime has affected my life.

1:09:35 "I tried to forget but battle with flashbacks, "horrible head...

1:09:40 and horrible headaches.

1:09:42 "I wrote a note to my folks and told them I loved them.

1:09:44 "I didn't want them finding out the truth "of what drove me to suicide.

1:09:48 "I'm going to have to work on this "for the rest of my life.

1:09:52 "I am no longer controlled by you.

1:09:54 "I will be my own person, "and I will speak from my heart.

1:09:57 "I want to say to all the victims out there

1:10:00 "that I know you follow the clan to be silent,

1:10:03 "but I have another message for you.

1:10:05 "You have the right to speak up.

1:10:07 "You might lose everything, "but you'll find a sense of freedom.

1:10:11 "You'll find people to stand with you and support you.

1:10:14 This cycle needs to be broken."♪♪ That is an intimidation

1:10:36 directly to his daughter not to come out and speak.

1:10:40 That's exactly what— That's exactly what it is.

1:10:43 That daughter went home and told her parents.

1:10:46 -Her parents know.

1:10:47 -Her parents know.

1:10:48 That is--Oh, that shows exactly the way they work.

1:10:50 They're so manipulative, and they use their...

1:10:53 freaking religion.

1:10:56 [Indistinct] [Sighs heavily]♪ Every time you think there's a little— I

1:11:06 think there's a little bit of hope going on for them,

1:11:09 then they do something dumb like this.

1:11:13 How old is she now?

1:11:16 She would have just turned 16.

1:11:37 I...I was so disappointed in...in the way he responded,

1:11:42 in the way the church still wants to sit there and say that they're behind him.

1:11:49 I was frustrated.

1:11:51 There's too many ministers in that church that are involved in it.

1:11:55 And if my sister would just...

1:11:57 That's why I'm kind of like my sister, "Come on.

1:12:00 Just speak out." Because she...

1:12:01 she suffered at the hands of the ministers themselves.

1:12:29 How did you get started having abuse awareness meetings?

1:12:35 What made you want to help?

1:12:37 Well, we were...

1:12:38 we were involved with putting together a call-in

1:12:40 center for abused people, could call in.

1:12:43 And we got asked to do an awareness meeting, and so, we did.

1:12:47 There's people that have never told anybody all their life.

1:12:50 This is the only light at the end of the tunnel that they ever had.

1:12:55 If I remember correctly,

1:12:56 it was either you said you have five or seven days to do something.

1:13:00 Can you...Do you still talk about that?

1:13:03 Because I think that was directly to a perpetrator if they're sitting there.

1:13:07 Can you talk about that just a little bit?

1:13:09 If you challenge a perpetrator that has been a perpetrator

1:13:12 for the last 30 or 40 or 50 years, they're not gonna change in one day.

1:13:17 If you can give them a seven-day thing, that's doable maybe.

1:13:22 And it is, for most people, it is very doable.

1:13:25 And if there's a victim sitting there,

1:13:28 I challenge them that they have seven days

1:13:31 to go and tell their perpetrator that they

1:13:33 forgive them and they're gonna put all the baggage

1:13:37 behind them and never bring this up again.

1:13:39 Mm-hmm.

1:13:43 What about in a case if somebody calls you— and I don't know

1:13:48 whether this has happened— but what if a perpetrator calls you and says...

1:13:53 or if...

1:13:54 has it ever happened where they say they are currently still abusing?

1:13:59 If it's a child, what has been your response?

1:14:03 A dad was molesting his two daughters, and somehow it got exposed.

1:14:08 But the church stepped up and says, "We'll take care of this ourself,

1:14:13 and we'll be totally responsible."

1:14:15 And the DCS and the sheriff's department said,

1:14:17 "If you guys will hold him accountable," they'll

1:14:19 go with that, and he never did serve time.

1:14:23 And the sheriff told us, he says,

1:14:25 "We don't need any more of your people in our jails,

1:14:29 in our penitentiaries." Um...and so, we have programs...

1:14:40 There's just so much denial and so much healing that has not taken place,

1:14:45 and it probably never will.

1:14:47 You know, I remember the day when I thought, you know, I'm the only one.

1:14:52 And, you know, many of you might have felt that way,

1:14:55 you know...you know, so young and so...

1:14:58 Everything was so dark, and you just...

1:15:01 You know, I didn't want to live.

1:15:03 I didn't want to, you know, see another day.

1:15:05 Yeah, I mean, I still struggle with not feeling good enough or, you know,

1:15:10 I haven't done enough, you know.

1:15:13 Lizzie, you're not saying what beauty came out of it.

1:15:16 So, I'm gonna start by doing that.

1:15:18 [Laughter] Go ahead.

1:15:20 I have...I have just been blessed, um...

1:15:24 getting to know you.

1:15:28 I love you as a person, and...the good,

1:15:33 the sad, the crazy, the beautiful, the...every area.

1:15:38 I...

1:15:40 But the one thing that I don't even know if you realize what you're doing,

1:15:45 it's out of those ashes that you do what you do,

1:15:49 like helping with Voices of Hope.

1:15:52 And that can be so draining for you.

1:15:54 I've seen you.

1:15:55 I see you.

1:15:57 I know what happens to you.

1:15:59 But you do it because you're there for other ladies.

1:16:02 You don't want them to go through,

1:16:04 and you want them to know how to heal and how to...

1:16:06 See, those are all the beauty that has come out of your ashes,

1:16:10 and it's making an impact.

1:16:12 Lizzie: It is rewarding, especially when you come to a group like this and I

1:16:18 hear all these stories of people, you know, um...

1:16:20 how they've overcome, and it just...

1:16:24 it inspires me to keep going.

1:16:28 It's just like my bishop.

1:16:30 I just came from his house.

1:16:32 And then he asked me if I think that if Willis changed, and I told him no,

1:16:39 and he said, "Well, now my question is have you?" And I was like...

1:16:46 I don't have to give you an answer on that one, because have I changed?

1:16:49 Yes, I have, but probably not in the way that they would want me to.

1:16:53 Margaret: That took a lot of courage to do what you did today.

1:16:58 So proud of her.

1:16:59 So, through all that, who have you become?

1:17:03 I have become me.

1:17:05 And who is you?

1:17:07 Elizabeth, the beautiful, smart woman that's loved by God.

1:17:12 [Laughter] I love that!

1:17:15 I absolutely love that!

1:17:20 [Applause] Thank you, everybody, for coming.

1:17:25 We are very grateful you took time to come out.

1:17:29 Hey!

1:17:29 What did you think of the conference?

1:17:33 It was awesome.

1:17:35 Leaving him was very freeing.

1:17:38 It was the best— one of the best decisions that I made,

1:17:42 but then, in leaving the Amish, was better yet.

1:17:46 It's...Ha ha.

1:17:49 I don't want to ever go back.

1:17:52 I got rid right away of all my Amish clothes,

1:17:55 and I still had my horse and buggy,

1:17:57 and I drove my horse and buggy down the road with English clothes on.

1:18:01 [Laughter] We talked to an Amish bishop one time, and I talked to him,

1:18:07 and I wondered, you know, I said, "Do you know that, by law,

1:18:10 "you're a religious leader, you're required to make reports." He said,

1:18:14 "Oh, I know." He said, "If I did that, all the Amish men would be in jail." I...

1:18:20 Really?

1:18:22 Okay.

1:18:23 I came because I said, you know, I need to do something for my daughter.

1:18:27 This cycle has been going on for generations in my family.

1:18:30 I have to do something.

1:18:36 Voices of Hope is a women's conference

1:18:38 to give women that have been abused a voice.

1:18:41 And so Dena and Lizzie wondered if we would lead the men's sessions.

1:18:46 Even though it's awkward to talk about,

1:18:48 the painful things that we've gone through...

1:18:52 but it's part of the healing process.

1:18:54 There's a big tendency to, um, blame the person who's the victim.

1:19:02 But there's no way that we'll ever forgive and forget.

1:19:05 That is a lie that we've been taught,

1:19:08 too many of us have been taught all our life.

1:19:16 [Telephone rings] Man: Hello.

1:19:33 Huh-uh.

1:19:35 Yeah.

1:19:37 Wow!

1:19:40 Yeah!

1:19:57 That's absolutely...

1:19:59 Yeah, absolutely.

1:20:00 Absolutely.

1:20:01 So, it is, yeah.

1:20:03 [Speaking Pennsylvania Dutch] Okay.

1:20:15 Yep.

1:20:16 Bye.

1:20:20 Finally, he said if we would put 200% of our energy into prevention,

1:20:25 we wouldn't have to deal with all the after-effects,

1:20:30 which I think is huge, because I've told— I said,

1:20:34 "You cannot give a perpetrator seven days.

1:20:36 "You can't give them three days.

1:20:37 You have to do something." Yeah, I'm gonna work on that.

1:20:48 Hey, Rebecca.

1:20:48 Anything else I can do, like,

1:20:50 to support you when you're going through anything in court?

1:20:53 Is there anything I can do to support you in any way?

1:20:58 [Woman speaking indistinctly]♪♪ This individual has somehow found the courage

1:21:21 to come and share her story with all of us,

1:21:23 in hopes it might help another find strength.

1:21:25 Please give a very warm welcome to our survivor, Elizabeth Hilty.

1:21:30 Are you ready for this?

1:21:33 I am.

1:21:53 Okay, Skylar, let's see if we can do this.

1:21:56 You think we can do this?

1:22:00 Ma.

1:22:01 [Baby cooing]♪ Let me find the one from the FBI agent.

1:22:19 The FBI requested my expertise on, you know,

1:22:24 how should you interview survivors in this case.

1:22:28 I believe it was over 400 victims.

1:22:31 I mean, and it took lots of...hard work to get the FBI to finally get involved.

1:22:39 The agent, she said, "Just tell me everything you can about the Amish,"

1:22:43 and she just requested that I explain the language barrier,

1:22:47 the limited education, and I said,

1:22:49 "Everything I share with you..." I hope that she will then go share

1:22:54 everything that I've shared to try to educate as many people as we can.

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