Tom Schwartz Talks His New Relationship: "So Smitten" | The Valley After Show (S3 E6) Pt 1 | Bravo

0:00 I love her so much.

0:01 We share locations.

0:02 Kiana is at

0:04 Tom's house.

0:04 Tom's house right now.

0:06 Coming up on the Valley After Show.

0:09 So, let me know when you need a uterus.

0:12 Took Walker on like, "I GOT YOUR BABY."

0:15 WHAT NOW?

0:15 You like ripped jeans, right?

0:17 Ripped jeans are still

0:18 No ripped jeans for you.

0:19 There's a new style where people are wearing clown pants.

0:23 You are way [music] too short.

0:24 Zacky makes bold choices.

0:26 big shoes.

0:27 They have wings.

0:27 They have tiger stripes and tiger tails coming out the back.

0:30 love those.

0:31 He looks exactly like that alpaca.

0:34 [laughter]

0:33 We're bonding.

0:35 In the group, what other animal auras do people have?

0:37 I'm a naked mole-rat.

0:38 I can't think of any animals.

0:40 Like a highland cow.

0:42 The Valley After Show starts right now.

0:47 People told me that the alpaca was giving Schwartz energy.

0:49 See the animals.

0:51 He looks exactly like that alpaca.

0:53 Same aura.

0:54 I know alpacas have kind of like that like cool like white guy hair.

0:58 I think it was more just like It's the body language, the posture.

1:02 They're just happy to be here, baby.

1:03 Mhm.

1:04 That's Tom Schwartz.

1:05 Alpaca and Tom.

1:06 I want to hug them both.

1:07 We didn't forge a deep connection, me and the alpaca, but we bonded.

1:11 We would become best friends.

1:12 You're my best friend.

1:15 [laughter]

1:14 I want to get an alpaca someday.

1:16 In the group, what other animal auras do people have?

1:18 Oh gosh.

1:20 I feel like Scheana would be like a kangaroo.

1:23 Cuz just bopping around.

1:25 Bopping King?

1:27 Meerkat.

1:27 Meerkat.

1:28 know why he's coming to mind.

1:29 Like a highland cow.

1:31 Like a little poodle.

1:33 [laughter]

1:35 Poodle?

1:34 Cuz he's so bougie acting all the time.

1:36 I was going to go with a chihuahua.

1:38 You got a lot of yip yip.

1:39 Yeah.

1:39 And you sure like to talk a lot.

1:42 He gives me salamander energy.

1:46 [laughter]

1:45 Zack.

1:45 Giraffe.

1:46 Oh, I like that.

1:48 tall.

1:48 That's so such a phoned it in.

1:51 Zack's a party animal.

1:53 Lemur.

1:54 Zack is an ostrich.

1:56 Or a peacock.

1:57 Or a peacock.

1:58 Very showy.

2:00 Mhm.

2:00 Very cute and pretty.

2:02 I feel like I would be a capybara because I'm extremely social.

2:06 I can get along with anybody as we've seen with Janet, and I can swim.

2:09 I'm going to call Jasmine a lemur, too, cuz she can party.

2:12 I would actually say you're a kangaroo.

2:14 I just said Jessie was a kangaroo.

2:15 See, I think you're a kangaroo because you're like cute,

2:17 and then sometimes you're going to kick them.

2:19 Ooh, kangaroos do that.

2:21 You know what I mean?

2:21 You You like Okay, okay, I I see it.

2:23 I see it.

2:24 Danny?

2:25 What's Danny?

2:26 Pass.

2:27 Let me think.

2:28 I'm trying to picture how he moves.

2:32 Pack mule.

2:33 A pack mule?

2:35 Yeah, cuz you carry all this weight and you get on.

2:37 Lemur.

2:39 [laughter] And he is like, "They're all lemurs." The ones that like to party.

2:42 I thought you guys were going to say

2:44 like a silverback gorilla cuz I'm so jacked, right?

2:47 Oh, [laughter] you're more like a chimpanzee.

2:49 Maybe like a Yorkie.

2:50 Yeah, like tiny, but like tiny and bark a lot [laughter] and like Stop.

2:56 You're kind of like a panda.

2:57 A panda?

2:58 Every once in a while you fall off a tree unexpectedly,

3:01 [laughter] but for the most part you're super cute and cuddly.

3:05 Kristen could be a panda cuz she falls over all the time.

3:07 She's so clumsy.

3:09 Kristen's bumbly as She's like a bull in a china shop.

3:13 Oh, god.

3:13 I know what I am.

3:14 What are you?

3:15 She's a giraffe.

3:16 Especially like newborn baby giraffes, they can't like walk.

3:19 a mother, she's a mother giraffe.

3:21 Yeah, she's [laughter] Remember whenever everyone said you were shih tzu?

3:25 Yeah, cuz I had drunk shih tzu hair.

3:27 Lala's like a female She's like a lioness.

3:30 With no mercy.

3:31 She would do anything to protect her children.

3:33 I feel like I'm more orca energy.

3:35 Shark?

3:36 She does love the ocean.

3:37 shark.

3:37 Sharks are like hot.

3:38 I was just at the zoo with Isabella, and Lala is a Komodo dragon.

3:43 You know they have venomous saliva?

3:44 You have to Yeah, Lala does [laughter] She does.

3:48 Britney's very lioness, though.

3:50 I was going to say mama bear.

3:51 I think she's so protective of Cruz.

3:53 Brittany is like a quokka.

3:55 They're like the ones that naturally smile from Australia.

3:58 Something really cute.

3:59 Like maybe like a koala bear.

4:01 What do they have a lot of in Kentucky again?

4:03 I can't think of any animals.

4:04 Do you guys know any animals?

4:06 I'm trying to think of like a a happy animal that like frolics.

4:11 It still like gets the job done.

4:12 Does she have golden retriever energy?

4:14 Yes, right?

4:15 People say that about me.

4:16 Schwartzy's obviously either an alpaca or the golden retriever of the group.

4:20 I think I've read that online 800 times.

4:22 Exactly.

4:22 Luke is some kind of cool reptile.

4:26 It's like some weird ancestor of like a leopard gecko.

4:29 I feel like you're kind of like a crocodile.

4:31 In the bayou with your with your trucker hat on.

4:34 Crocodile Dundee.

4:35 Australian shepherd with blue eyes.

4:37 Yeah.

4:38 That's what Luke is.

4:38 I feel like you're like a black beauty horse.

4:41 I love that compliment.

4:42 Well, Michelle's an alien.

4:44 Cuz every day's her first day on this planet.

4:48 She asked today, "Does the Valley air on Wednesdays?"

4:51 I feel like Michelle's like a pretty snake.

4:54 I mean that like in a positive way.

4:55 I should just say bunny.

4:57 Finally.

4:57 Oh, that's a good one.

4:58 I think I'm a naked mole rat.

5:00 They're like kind of cute, kind of ugly.

5:02 I think you've already said it on the show.

5:03 Oh, yes, yes, yes.

5:06 Snake.

5:06 [laughter] I had a snake as a pet growing up.

5:09 I do.

5:10 I like snakes.

5:10 I did too.

5:11 I did green tree snake.

5:12 I feel like Janet is a rooster.

5:16 [laughter] Like cock-a-doodle-doo.

5:17 At the most inconvenient time.

5:22 [laughter]

5:21 Jason is a basset hound.

5:22 Jason's like a panther.

5:25 You know like panthers are like ripped?

5:27 He's like that.

5:27 What would Nia be?

5:28 So the first thing that came to mind right off the bat was a koala bear.

5:32 Oh, that's cute.

5:33 Except the chlamydia part.

5:36 [laughter]

5:36 What's an animal that like seems one way but is actually another?

5:39 Snake?

5:40 I was going to say like a pink flamingo.

5:43 That's better.

5:43 Daniel used to call me his sloth because I'm the one

5:46 like in bed that just likes to just snuggle all night long.

5:49 I used to give me like sloth gifts and stuff like that.

5:52 That's really cute.

5:53 Maybe like a swan cuz she's super beautiful but they're extremely territorial.

5:58 what?

5:58 That's perfect.

5:58 She's a one of Lisa Vanderpump's swans.

6:01 Yeah.

6:01 This was the hardest game ever.

6:04 [laughter] [music] You want to talk about Kiana?

6:11 Please.

6:12 Favorite subject.

6:13 How's it going?

6:14 Things that are are awesome.

6:17 Do I travel a lot?

6:18 And then I go to London on Monday, guys.

6:19 What?

6:20 I'm gone.

6:21 Who flexes on us like that?

6:22 I wish [music] I could be as cool as Kiana.

6:24 I mean, I don't know if I look as good in glasses, though.

6:28 Like, [music] do I have it?

6:30 She's cool girl.

6:31 Like, she seems like rock and roll.

6:33 Like, I would date her.

6:34 She is so pretty.

6:35 The day that I met her, she came up to me wearing these little jeans

6:39 on that were like kind of baggy on her that wouldn't even fit on my arm.

6:42 And she was like, "I feel bloated." And I was like, I would have said that.

6:48 Um, well, that's the same thing I would have said.

6:50 love her so much.

6:50 We share locations.

6:52 Wow.

6:53 Yeah.

6:53 You guys are that close?

6:55 Yes.

6:55 Yeah, we have each other's.

6:56 Kiana is at Tom's house.

6:58 Tom's house right now.

6:59 I didn't give anybody a plus one at the wedding,

7:01 but I gave Tom one cuz I like her.

7:03 I mean, she seems sweet.

7:04 I did ask her how old she was.

7:06 I wasn't trying to make a dig at her and she got very defensive of like,

7:10 I don't know, 27, 28.

7:11 But blah blah.

7:12 I'm like, you don't need to explain anything.

7:14 Okay.

7:15 Kiana is younger.

7:17 I mean, she's like she's a woman.

7:19 She's traveled the world.

7:20 She's very successful.

7:21 She's not trying to like figure out who she is, you know what I mean?

7:24 But she's younger.

7:26 When Schwartz said she's a model who's 27 and bi-coastal,

7:31 I was like, "Schwartzy." Yeah.

7:33 She is most likely every man she can because

7:37 that's what I would do if I had that face [laughter] and I 27.

7:41 It's not like I'm out trying to date hot models.

7:44 Like she's someone who happens to be a hot He's not trying to date hot models.

7:49 He's just successfully dating hot models.

7:51 No no trying.

7:52 I'm not like a playboy.

7:53 I'm like trying to find love.

7:55 And at that point I was already gaga for Ariana.

7:58 He was so smitten which made me nervous.

8:01 Like if he were treating it like it was just a fling,

8:03 I'd be like have the best time.

8:05 But he was in it.

8:06 His heart was invested.

8:07 So of course we were worried.

8:09 We were worried.

8:10 What is their age gap?

8:11 27 and 43.

8:12 16.

8:15 Math.

8:15 It's age gap.

8:15 There's an uh half it add seven.

8:17 You half your age and then you add seven to it.

8:20 the lowest you should go.

8:21 Yeah.

8:21 Oh yeah, pretty much there.

8:22 She has her together.

8:24 She's got a good career.

8:25 She she does not need a man.

8:26 If anything he could be her sugar baby with how much she makes.

8:29 There's no power imbalance with like Ariana's like a boss.

8:33 I don't want to say the B word.

8:34 not a child.

8:35 She's in her late 20s.

8:36 She's the boss of anything.

8:38 I'm her Tom has this youthful energy and she

8:41 has this mature energy and they meet in the middle.

8:43 Yeah.

8:43 She came into Schwartz and Sandy's on one of the last nights we were open.

8:47 I was kind of an emotional wreck.

8:49 I was just coming to terms with the fact that my baby,

8:52 everything I put my heart and soul,

8:53 all my time, energy, and money into was just coming to an end.

8:57 And I was having a hard time coping with that.

8:58 But she came in late.

9:00 And we like I remember laughing a lot.

9:02 And we had yeah we had like yeah we had an undeniable connection.

9:06 We exchanged numbers.

9:07 But we didn't hook up for a long time after that.

9:10 Not till like pretty recently.

9:13 She came out to LA for work and then we went on like an actual date.

9:18 We went to Musso and Frank's.

9:20 And then from there it just like yeah man.

9:23 It was a romantic rocket ship.

9:25 In for almost six months.

9:26 And we got these in Tampa.

9:28 We got matching semi-matching ones in Tampa cuz

9:30 like lemon drop is like our little thing.

9:32 Like we did lemon drops together.

9:34 I don't know why.

9:35 I hadn't drank a lemon drop in like,

9:37 anyways, I like lemon drops, she likes lemon drops.

9:40 It's like our little cute inside thing.

9:42 So, I got a new one here.

9:43 The last one got infected and no, there's no deeper meaning or symbolism there,

9:48 but it fell off and then um yeah,

9:50 I got this one at a actual legit spot and um yeah,

9:54 it's just like a cute little inside joke thing.

9:56 Wait, don't you have like Lisa Vanderpump's face on your butt or something?

9:58 No, I have her initials LVP cuz she beat me in ping pong.

10:02 It's a long story.

10:07 [music] You got some pretty good news about a sale that you had.

10:11 Cheers to you and congrats.

10:13 Did she also sell a $7 million house on the way here?

10:15 Yep.

10:16 No, she didn't close on that cuz [laughter]

10:20 Unfortunately, it didn't go through, um but I closed a couple other deals.

10:25 Well, you've done like, what, eight or 10 million in the last 6 months?

10:28 Yeah, I haven't done like a huge huge deal without Jesse yet.

10:31 And he hasn't done one without you, either.

10:33 Yeah.

10:33 She's sold a bunch of multi-family properties, so I'm honestly proud of her.

10:37 She's doing really well and I have a new business partner, Alec,

10:41 who is just an absolute stud and we just closed something for 8.7 in Bel Air.

10:49 We just signed a listing for 30 million in Laguna Beach and Michelle

10:54 and I still have a little crossover when it comes to business.

10:58 Oh.

10:59 I thought that it was all [laughter]

11:05 There are two things Michelle and I do very well.

11:08 We work together well and we co-parent with Isabella well.

11:12 Everything else is a disaster.

11:16 [laughter]

11:15 We are supposed to work with each other's past clients.

11:18 We actually have one listing coming up that we're going

11:20 to list together and we're going to list it for 35 million.

11:23 Michelle and I sold the property to the developer and kind

11:27 of had the foresight to have him sign that when he finishes it,

11:31 will list it together so thank you thank you thank you all.

11:37 That's enough money that it's worth working with Jesse.

11:39 Yeah and it's What's the commission on that?

11:41 I never do the math because I feel like that's bad luck.

11:44 I never look at it until it

11:46 physically closes and then sometimes I'll be surprised.

11:49 I'm like oh that's more than I thought.

11:51 Does Jesse do the math?

11:52 I'm sure.

11:52 He already spent that money that we haven't even gotten it yet.

11:56 Like that's how he thinks.

11:57 What's the biggest sale you've ever done with Michelle?

12:00 65 million.

12:01 A one house?

12:02 It was actually a piece of land.

12:04 Right.

12:04 Was that the one that my friends helped you do the thing on top of the mountain?

12:09 They did the video for with the horses and all that?

12:13 It helped get a lot of attention to the property and yeah finally closed.

12:17 Small world.

12:17 He didn't get a kickback either.

12:19 I didn't even get a kickback on that.

12:21 I didn't even know you.

12:22 This is 2017.

12:23 send you scotch in the hospital.

12:25 nothing to this.

12:26 [laughter]