1 Hour of ‘The Big Bang Theory’ to Help You Decompress From People

0:00 I'm your guest lecturer, Dr.

0:02 Sheldon Cooper.

0:09 I was expecting applause.

0:12 But I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate.

0:16 I agreed to speak to you this evening because I was told

0:20 that you're the best and the brightest of this university's doctoral candidates.

0:25 Of course, that's like saying you're

0:27 the most important electron in a hydrogen atom.

0:34 Because you see, there's only one electron in a hydrogen atom.

0:42 Best and brightest, my sweet patootie.

0:44 All right, let's begin.

0:45 Show of hands.

0:46 Who here is familiar with the concept of topological insulators?

0:51 Don't kid yourselves.

0:55 Uh, I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture.

0:58 Dr.

0:58 Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject

1:01 and managed to make it completely insufferable.

1:05 Plus, he looks like a giant insect.

1:09 Listen to this one.

1:10 Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun,

1:14 but when you're listening to Dr.

1:16 Cooper, it falls out of the sky den?

1:19 Oh,

1:20 somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.

1:24 Wow.

1:25 How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?

1:30 Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.

1:34 Hey, Leonard, is your Wi-Fi down?

1:35 I can't get on.

1:37 Oh, Sheldon changed the password.

1:38 It's now Penny is a freeloader.

1:42 No spaces.

1:43 Thanks.

1:44 What are you guys doing?

1:45 Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight.

1:46 We're reading the reviews.

1:48 Oh, how'd he do?

1:49 What?

1:49 Picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three-Mile Island meets Trunk 2.

1:55 That bad, huh?

1:57 Read this woman's tweet.

2:00 Listening to Dr.

2:00 Cooper has made me want to start cutting myself again.

2:07 Good evening, Leonard Howard Raj Freeloader.

2:13 So, how' the lecture go?

2:14 In a word, triumphant.

2:18 really triumphant.

2:20 Oh yes, you should have seen those young people.

2:23 Thirsty for knowledge, drinking in my wisdom.

2:26 I may have changed a few lives today.

2:30 Oh, please let me tell him.

2:33 I don't know.

2:33 I kind of promised Howard.

2:36 Tell me what.

2:36 Actually, we should all share the moment.

2:38 Raj, if you would.

2:43 Oh, tweets about my lecture.

2:48 H.

2:51 That's rather unfair.

2:53 That's downright cruel.

2:55 Plus, insects have six legs.

2:59 Yeah, I'm not familiar with the acronym KMN.

3:02 Oh, from the context, we think it means kill me now.

3:09 Well, suppose everyone's entitled to their own opinion.

3:13 I think I'll turn in.

3:16 I'm teachers poopy heads anyway.

3:22 FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said

3:25 just before he started building the Death Star.

3:27 Clarify something for me.

3:29 Isn't the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions,

3:34 an opportunity to consider important issues of the day?

3:37 It is.

3:38 You just kind of put a damper on things when you said the next

3:40 person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.

3:45 Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but

3:49 to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.

3:56 Great.

3:54 What is the best number?

3:57 By the way, there's only one correct answer.

4:07 5,318,08.

4:06 Wrong.

4:06 The best number is 73.

4:13 You're probably wondering why we're good.

4:16 73 is the 21st prime number.

4:18 Its mirror 37 is the 12th.

4:20 And its mirror 21 is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, 7 and 3h.

4:29 Did I lie?

4:31 We get it.

4:32 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.

4:36 Chuck Norris wishes.

4:38 In binary, 73 is a palendrome.

4:41 1 0 0 1 0 0 1 which backwards is one 0 0 1 0 01 exactly the same.

4:48 All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Siron Cook.

4:53 Just for the record,

4:54 when you enter 5,318,08 in a calculator upside down, it spells boobies.

5:05 Remember when you were wondering why the girls

5:06 didn't want to eat with us tonight?

5:08 Yeah, I get it now.

5:08 These are my friends, Bernardet and Amy.

5:11 Hi.

5:13 Hey.

5:13 Who?

5:16 Okay.

5:16 Well, it was good to see you.

5:18 Yeah, you too.

5:20 He's really cute.

5:20 How do you know him?

5:21 Oh, we went out a couple times.

5:23 I'm often flumixed by current slang.

5:25 Does went out mean had intercourse?

5:31 Yes.

5:29 No.

5:29 No.

5:31 But in this case, yes.

5:33 Interesting.

5:34 And was it not satisfactory?

5:35 No, it was great.

5:36 He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.

5:40 Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?

5:45 Wouldn't help.

5:45 Zach can't even spell NPR.

5:49 It's what I do with Howard.

5:50 I'm much smarter than he is, but it's important to protect his manhood.

5:59 What's the matter?

6:01 I'm suddenly feeling flushed.

6:02 My heart rate is elevated.

6:04 My My palms are clammy.

6:05 My mouth is dry.

6:07 In addition, I keep involuntarily saying, "Who?"

6:12 Oh, we know what's causing that, don't we?

6:14 It's no mystery.

6:15 I obviously have the flu coupled with sudden onset Tourette's syndrome.

6:20 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.

6:23 Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order

6:26 to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity?

6:28 I did that one summer.

6:30 Oh, youth.

6:33 No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night,

6:35 so I'm checking my vital signs every hour.

6:38 I'd be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.

6:42 Oh, that sounds like fun.

6:46 All right.

6:48 What were the symptoms?

6:50 Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and localized vascular throbbing.

6:58 Localized to what region?

7:02 Ears and genitalia.

7:07 Interesting.

7:07 Not body parts that usually team up.

7:13 What about environmental factors?

7:15 Describe the scene for me.

7:17 I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernardet

7:19 drinking water carbonated as it was a special occasion.

7:23 Penny's friend Zach stopped by and said hello and I said, "Who?

7:30 Who?

7:29 Zack." Then why did you ask?

7:32 Ask what?

7:35 Who?

7:36 Zack.

7:36 All right, let's start over.

7:39 What did you say when Zach walked in?

7:42 Who?

7:43 Zack.

7:44 Why do you keep saying Zack?

7:45 Because you keep saying who.

7:47 I'm not saying who now.

7:48 I said who last night.

7:50 And the answer was Zack.

7:51 Correct.

7:52 There was no question.

7:53 I simply said who.

7:57 All right, I think I have enough to go on.

7:59 Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood,

8:06 hypothyroidism, premature menopause, posting an alien parasite,

8:12 or and I only include it for the sake

8:14 of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.

8:21 Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?

8:28 Water demon, ice dragon, lesser warlord of Kaha,

8:37 but not so fast.

8:40 Infinite Sheldon.

8:44 Infinite Sheldon.

8:45 Yes, InfiniteSheldon defeats all other cards and does not violate

8:49 the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.

8:54 Do you understand why people don't want to play with you?

8:58 No.

8:58 Although, it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.

9:04 Hey.

9:04 Hey.

9:05 Hey.

9:07 Hey.

9:07 Your copy of Science magazine was in my mailbox.

9:10 Oh, thanks.

9:11 Check it out.

9:11 All about planets this month.

9:14 That's an atom.

9:16 Agree to disagree.

9:19 That's what I love about science.

9:21 There's no one right answer.

9:28 So, you and Zach again, huh?

9:30 Yeah.

9:30 Yeah, me and Zach again.

9:32 Were we here earlier?

9:36 Okay, we should we should go.

9:37 Ah, not yet.

9:38 I want to talk science with the science dudes.

9:40 Oh, and the science dudes want to talk science with you.

9:45 What do you want to talk about?

9:46 Rocks, dinosaurs, our friend, the beaver.

9:51 You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel.

9:54 Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.

10:00 Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts

10:01 because you might have been watching Nickelodeon?

10:07 No, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel.

10:11 It was a great show.

10:11 They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.

10:15 They might be smarter than some people.

10:19 Well, maybe we can do an experiment to find out.

10:22 That's easy enough.

10:23 We'd need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through,

10:26 and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.

10:37 I don't get it.

10:39 A dolphin might Oh, I see.

10:45 You guys are inferring that I'm stupid.

10:47 That's not correct.

10:49 We were implying it.

10:52 You then inferred it.

10:58 Let's go.

11:02 You know, for a group of guys who

11:03 claim they spent most of their lives being bullied,

11:06 you can be real jerks.

11:07 Shame on all of you.

11:12 What the hell did I do?

11:15 You laughed.

11:16 And the award for best group costume goes to Justice League of America.

11:29 Number three.

11:33 Thank you.

11:35 THANK YOU SO MUCH.

11:36 OKAY.

11:37 OKAY.

11:37 10 SECONDS TO MIDNIGHT.

11:39 10.

11:41 NO.

11:41 WAIT.

11:42 I HAVE A SPEECH.

11:44 SIX.

11:44 STOP COUNTING.

11:46 THIS IS MY MOMENT, DAG.

12:04 I'm not going to say another word until you people settle down.

12:12 I'm waiting.

12:14 We're always having to stop and solve differential equations like

12:17 when you're doing forier analysis or using the Schrodinger equation.

12:21 Howard doesn't.

12:22 He's only an engineer.

12:24 I was thinking we could write a little app that would

12:28 use handwriting recognition and then run

12:30 it through a symbolic evaluation engine.

12:32 You just use your smartphone, take a picture of the equation, and bam.

12:35 You know what's a great app?

12:37 The one that makes fart noises.

12:39 You know, Leonard, that's actually a valid idea.

12:43 Very good.

12:45 Can you say that and not make it sound like

12:47 I'm a cat who learned how to use the toilet?

12:51 No.

12:52 My two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable.

12:55 Though if pressed, I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.

12:59 I'll save you the pain and nervousness of waiting for the answer.

13:03 I agree to be part of your project.

13:04 Congratulations.

13:07 Oh, yay for me.

13:10 What about you guys?

13:11 I can't promise anything, but people do make money off stuff like this.

13:15 A few extra bucks would be nice.

13:16 I could finally move out of my mother's house.

13:18 Where would you go?

13:19 I always dreamed about building a little place of my own over the garage.

13:24 You know, if I made more money,

13:26 I could take time off from work and give pretty girls submarine rides.

13:30 What's that?

13:30 Some weird sex thing?

13:34 No, you take pretty girls underwater

13:36 in your private submarine and you show them fish.

13:39 Why does everything have to be dirty with you?

13:42 I was thinking we could work on this at night and then

13:45 maybe in a couple of weeks we'll have ourselves an app to sell.

13:48 Sounds like we're in business.

13:49 I think we should take a picture to capture this moment.

13:56 I've taken the liberty of drafting

13:58 these workflow charts which outline our various

14:00 duties and the path we will follow as we develop our groundbreaking new app.

14:06 Hey, why am I in charge of phone support?

14:11 Seems a bit racist.

14:13 A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create

14:16 the impression we're a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centers.

14:21 Oh,

14:22 very clever, but still racist.

14:25 Duly noted Steve from Witchah.

14:29 Why am I listed as your executive assistant?

14:32 Because the word secretary has fallen into disrepute.

14:36 Well, FYI, my mother's birthday is coming up.

14:39 I'm going to need you to pick up a present.

14:42 Okay, we need to stop for a minute.

14:44 But Leonard, please.

14:45 We can talk during our break.

14:46 We have one coming up at midnight and we'll need snacks.

14:49 Shut.

14:50 You're not in charge.

14:51 It's my idea.

14:52 I'm in charge.

14:52 Oh, of course you are.

14:54 Look at the organizational chart.

14:55 You're clearly listed as founder.

14:58 Yes.

14:58 And you're listed as chief executive officer,

15:01 chief financial officer, and chief operating officer.

15:04 You miss chief science officer, chairman of the board,

15:07 and head of the secret Santa Committee.

15:11 You need to get clear on this right now.

15:13 I am in charge of this project.

15:16 Leonard's going all alpha nerd on Sheldon's.

15:21 All right.

15:21 All right.

15:21 I'm not going to argue with you.

15:23 Sheldon Cooper is nothing if not a team player.

15:25 Dr.

15:25 Hoffadder, you have the con.

15:28 Thank you.

15:30 I thought we might start by talking about the user interface.

15:32 Oh, dear Lord, we're doomed.

15:36 So right now this button press event is just triggering a dummy procedure called

15:40 How about this for the app name

15:42 the surprisingly helpful equation link differential optimized numerator

15:49 so it spells Sheldon does it a happy accident

15:57 we're not doing names now our

16:00 like I was saying right now it's just

16:01 a dummy procedure but eventually it will drop us into

16:04 All right fine if we're not going to give it a name.

16:06 Can we at least give it a secret code designation?

16:09 No.

16:09 But but hear me out.

16:10 The atomic bomb was the Manhattan project.

16:12 Windows 95 was originally project Chicago.

16:15 For our app, I would humbly suggest project nod.

16:21 That's just Sheldon backwards.

16:23 Another happy accident.

16:26 We're not wasting time with names right now.

16:29 I see.

16:31 Is that decision open for discussion?

16:34 No.

16:34 Is the decision to not discuss it open for discussion?

16:39 No.

16:39 Again, right now it's just a dummy procedure, but eventually it will drop us.

16:43 I call for a vote of no confidence and an immediate change in leadership.

16:47 Sheldon, stop.

16:47 When in the course of human events,

16:49 it becomes necessary to dissolve the bonds

16:51 that tie three competent scientists together.

16:54 Let's get right to the vote.

16:55 Show of hands.

16:56 All those opposed to Leonard and his reign of tyranny.

17:01 Okay, that's it.

17:02 You're fired.

17:03 Really?

17:05 Why?

17:07 Because you're impossible to work with.

17:10 I see.

17:11 Oh god.

17:11 Glenn.

17:13 Great to see you.

17:14 Are you here for the conference?

17:16 Yeah, I'm doing a global warming panel.

17:18 Oh, good for you.

17:19 Glenn, this is my boyfriend, Howard.

17:22 Nice to meet you.

17:23 Hi.

17:24 Ow.

17:24 Why?

17:26 You're a lucky man.

17:28 Bernie's a great gal.

17:30 Yes, Bernie sure is.

17:32 Well, I got to run.

17:34 The panel's tomorrow morning.

17:35 It's called Remembering Snow.

17:36 Look back.

17:38 I'll try to catch it.

17:40 Oh, great.

17:43 Bye.

17:44 Bye.

17:46 Hey, Bernie.

17:51 Yeah.

17:49 Please tell me he's your gay cousin.

17:55 Oh, he was one of my professors in college.

17:58 Oh, well, that's a relief.

18:00 Then we went out for a year.

18:02 Come on, let's check in so we could take that nap.

18:09 No, it's not necessarily proportional.

18:11 Shut up.

18:14 So, this Glen guy, you say you went out with him for like a year?

18:19 Do we really need to talk about my old boyfriend now?

18:22 Oh, I guess not.

18:25 What is he like 6'4, 6'5?

18:30 67.

18:30 probably has a hard time finding a suit that fits.

18:35 Is something bothering you?

18:37 No, it's just what?

18:39 I'm just thinking if you had sex with that guy, I mean,

18:41 there's nothing I can do here that will make any kind of impact.

18:48 Lord, it's not a contest.

18:49 I loved you.

18:50 I want to be with you.

18:51 Yeah, great.

18:52 Love you, too.

18:55 If it were a contest, I wouldn't have a chance, right?

19:00 You can't think that way.

19:02 Yep.

19:02 Loser.

19:07 Lord, stop it.

19:08 Sorry.

19:08 I just never figured that a guy like me going out with a girl

19:11 like you would ever have to compete with a guy like that.

19:16 Wait a minute.

19:16 A girl like me?

19:18 What's that mean?

19:19 Are you saying you don't think I'm hot enough to go out with a guy like Glenn?

19:23 No, no, I'm saying exactly the opposite.

19:26 I'm too hot to go out with a guy like Glenn?

19:29 Yeah, let's go with that.

19:31 All right, then.

19:32 We'll begin with opening remarks, Miss Rostenkowski.

19:36 Would you like to start us off

19:37 by discussing your assessment of science's responsibility to society?

19:42 Sure.

19:43 I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days.

19:47 It's not just giant nuclear weapons that can destroy the world.

19:51 As a microbiologist,

19:52 I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one.

20:01 Interesting.

20:02 I think what you might need to know about my colleague

20:05 is that though she claims her field of interest is tiny organisms,

20:10 she certainly has spent her fair share of time

20:13 around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry.

20:20 I think Mr.

20:21 Walawitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past,

20:24 but he should know that I am the kind

20:26 of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.

20:33 Dr.

20:33 Cuthrai, would you care to join the conversation?

20:36 Well,

20:37 certainly.

20:37 I'd like to raise two points.

20:39 Number one, I think they are talking about penises.

20:44 And number two, these mimosas are kicking my little brown ass.

20:51 I'd like to kick your little brown ass.

20:54 What did I do?

20:56 Oh, I don't know.

20:57 Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you

20:59 see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend,

21:01 you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed.

21:06 I did.

21:07 You said no.

21:08 Bridget Jones.

21:11 We weren't getting back together.

21:12 It was a one-time thing.

21:15 Excuse me.

21:16 We're not taking comments or questions from the audience just yet.

21:20 Oh, shut up, Sheldon.

21:22 All right.

21:22 Why don't we see if we can bring this back to topic?

21:25 Let me ask you something, Bernie.

21:26 I guess not.

21:28 How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was like Angelina Jolie?

21:33 Oh, come on, Howard.

21:35 Be realistic.

21:40 What?

21:40 I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie.

21:43 I'd like to weigh in here.

21:48 No.

21:50 All right.

21:50 Why don't we open it up to Q&A from the audience?

21:53 Yeah.

21:53 I have a question.

21:54 Is there anybody who can get me the hell

21:55 out of here and back to Los Angeles tonight?

21:58 I'm driving back to LA tonight.

22:04 Penny, that's Glenn.

22:05 Glenn, THAT'S PENNY.

22:09 NO.

22:08 Sheldon Cooper.

22:12 Good morning, your honor.

22:14 Dr.

22:14 Sheldon Cooper appearing in prosay.

22:17 That is to say, representing himself.

22:19 I know what it means.

22:20 I went to law school and yet you wound up in traffic court.

22:26 Anyway, if it would please the court,

22:28 I'd like to begin with an opening statement.

22:30 The court would advise you to make it quick as the court

22:33 had a dicey looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Emodium.

22:38 Very well.

22:39 Uh, quick opening statement.

22:42 Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs.

22:46 I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving

22:50 by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic.

22:55 I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine

22:58 of quotes necasarium esum that which is necessary is legal.

23:03 But first I will raise a sixth amendment issue.

23:06 I am unable to confront my accuser a nonhuman entity to wit a camera.

23:11 So to sum up, improper instruction quotasarium situm.

23:16 Sixth amendment.

23:17 My milk stool is complete.

23:20 Impressive.

23:20 Thank you.

23:21 Guilty.

23:22 Pay the cashier.

23:24 I object.

23:25 You're completely ignoring the law.

23:27 No, I'm following the law.

23:28 I'm ignoring you.

23:31 Really?

23:32 I would point out that I am at the top

23:34 of my profession while you preside over the kitty table of yours.

23:39 Dr.

23:40 Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail,

23:43 I'm going to give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.

23:47 I'm a scientist.

23:48 I never apologize for the truth.

23:57 That's my spot.

24:03 Penny, Penny, Penny,

24:06 I need to hurry.

24:13 Penny, I'm back here.

24:17 Penny.

24:18 Penny.

24:19 Penny.

24:20 Oh, for God's sake.

24:21 I'm in the bathroom.

24:23 Should I come back at a better time?

24:27 GET IN HERE.

24:29 HURRY.

24:32 DON'T YOU DARE KNOCK.

24:40 HELLO.

24:40 I slipped in the shower and I think I dislocated my shoulder.

24:44 Not surprising.

24:45 You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow

24:48 for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.

24:55 What?

24:55 Tubs are slippery.

24:57 I know.

24:57 I slipped.

24:58 I have a series of whimsical duck stickers on the bottom of my tub.

25:03 Yeah.

25:03 Okay.

25:03 Whatever.

25:04 Will you just turn the water off and help me out?

25:07 They're holding umbrellas.

25:11 What?

25:11 The ducks in my tub.

25:14 Uh-huh.

25:13 They're whimsical because ducks have neither a need

25:15 for nor the ability to use umbrellas.

25:19 Oh my god.

25:19 I got to go to the emergency room.

25:21 Well, assuming you're correct as your right humorous

25:23 is no longer seated in the gleoid socket.

25:25 I would certainly think so.

25:26 Okay.

25:26 Can you drive me?

25:27 I don't drive.

25:29 Well, I can't drive.

25:30 Well,

25:31 it seems we've reached an impass.

25:35 I could call you a cab or an ambulance.

25:37 No, no, no.

25:37 I can't wait that long.

25:38 You got to help me, please.

25:41 All right, let it never be said that Sheldon

25:43 Lee Cooper ignored the please of a damsel in distress.

25:46 No one's saying that.

25:47 Let's go.

25:48 It does seem rather ironic that for one of 99 cent adhesive ducks,

25:51 we both might die in a fiery car crash.

25:57 I see no organizational system in here whatsoever.

26:02 Which panties do you wear on Mondays?

26:05 I don't need panties.

26:06 I just need shorts and a shirt.

26:08 My mother always told me one should wear

26:10 clean underpants in case one is in an accident.

26:12 One was already in an accident.

26:14 It doesn't mean one won't be in another, especially if I'm driving.

26:18 Clothes.

26:18 Sheldon.

26:18 I need clothes.

26:20 Hey, here.

26:22 Seriously, those shorts with that top.

26:26 All right.

26:30 No.

26:34 No.

26:34 Oh, that's cute.

26:37 We should have you check for a concussion.

26:41 Okay.

26:41 Now, you got to help me put these on.

26:43 All right.

26:44 But don't look.

26:46 Don't look.

26:46 I don't want you to see me naked.

26:48 Oh, well, that's understandable.

26:51 You may be interested to know that a prohibition

26:53 against looking is well established in heroic mythology.

26:57 Lot and his wife, Perseus and Medusa, Orpheus and Uritysy.

27:01 Yeah, great.

27:01 They always look.

27:02 It never ends well.

27:04 Okay.

27:05 Now, you got to help me get my arm into the sleeve.

27:09 Okay.

27:12 Is that my arm?

27:17 It doesn't feel like an arm.

27:20 Then maybe you should let it go.

27:25 All righty.

27:27 Where are you from?

27:28 The mysterious subcontinent of India.

27:30 Ooh, India.

27:31 You know India?

27:32 I saw a slum dog millionaire.

27:34 Well, I'm a slum dog astrophysicist.

27:39 I thought your father was a gynecologist.

27:42 I'm sorry.

27:47 Martha, come here.

27:48 Meet Raj and Sheldon.

27:49 This is my friend Martha.

27:50 Hi.

27:51 Hello.

27:53 Hello.

27:52 Is that the limited edition Green Lantern?

27:54 Lantern.

27:56 In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight.

28:04 Oh, that is so awesome.

28:07 Thank you.

28:08 Have you chosen one to calculate with?

28:24 When are you going to stop making Sylon toast?

28:28 When I have enough to destroy all the human

28:30 toast on the battle star known as Galactica.

28:35 Is that what you're wearing to watch football at pennies?

28:38 What's wrong with a football jersey?

28:40 Nothing.

28:40 That however appears to be a football cocktail dress.

28:47 It's the smallest size they had, except the one for dogs.

28:52 Can't believe they had one for dogs.

28:55 Oh, yes.

28:55 K9 football fans are a common sight in Texas.

28:58 Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel.

29:02 My sister found that out the hard way.

29:06 Anyway, wish me luck.

29:08 Leonard, wait.

29:09 Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's

29:13 peers is based on your desire

29:15 to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?

29:21 Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.

29:23 How would you put it?

29:26 Yeah.

29:26 Okay.

29:26 Like you said, huh?

29:29 Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse.

29:34 Don't you have access to women who will do it for money?

29:40 By the way, another accepted usage for the term hoe.

29:47 Goodbye, Shelby.

29:50 Yeah, hold on.

29:51 I believe that social convention dictate you not arrive empty-handed.

29:54 Would you like to bring some Sylon toast?

29:58 Yeah.

29:58 No, I'm trying to fit in, not get laughed at.

30:05 What's funny about Sylon toast?

30:07 French toast.

30:08 It's oatmeal day.

30:11 I tell you what, next French toast day, I will make you oatmeal.

30:14 Dear Lord, are you still going to be here on French toast day?

30:24 Morning.

30:23 Look, Leonard.

30:24 Penny made French toast.

30:26 Sorry, I haven't given her your schedule yet.

30:28 It's an iical download.

30:30 She can put it right in her phone.

30:33 And I thought we agreed that you'd have your conjugal visits in her apartment.

30:36 We did, but there were extenduating circumstances.

30:39 I see.

30:40 Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?

30:46 No, her bed kind of broke.

30:50 That doesn't seem likely.

30:52 Her bed's sturdy construction.

30:55 Even the addition of a second normalsized

30:56 human being wouldn't cause a structural failure,

30:58 much less a homunculus, such as yourself.

31:02 A homunculus.

31:04 Perfectly formed miniature human being.

31:08 A you're my little homunculus.

31:12 Don't do that.

31:14 Sorry.

31:14 Okay.

31:14 Who wants syrup and who wants cinnamon sugar?

31:16 I want oatmeal.

31:17 Yes.

31:17 Well, I want a boyfriend whose roommate isn't a giant pain in the ass.

31:22 I'm sure that will happen soon enough.

31:25 But in the meantime, I still want oatmeal.

31:29 You know what?

31:29 I give up.

31:29 He's impossible.

31:31 I can't be impossible.

31:32 I exist.

31:34 I believe what you meant to say is I give up.

31:36 He's improbable.

31:43 How much time do we have?

31:44 Uh t-minus 5 hours 37 minutes to onset of meteor shower.

31:48 Okay.

31:48 Our position is 34.48° north, 118.31 west.

31:53 That means the azimuth should be 168.22° 22°

31:57 relative to magnetic north with an elevation of 49.93.

32:01 Anything yet?

32:02 Uh, we have a signal, but there's no frame lock.

32:04 Hang on.

32:04 How about now?

32:07 We did it.

32:08 We have the West Coast feed of HBO.

32:12 Real sex.

32:14 Big deal.

32:15 Every time I watch that show, it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.

32:20 All right, let's see what's on the East Coast feed.

32:24 Oh, HEY, DUDE.

32:27 NOT A GREAT MOVIE, but look at that beautiful desert.

32:33 Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.

32:35 Yeah, it's just not the same without him.

32:46 This sucks.

32:46 I'm switching back to real sex.

32:51 Sheldon's log.

32:54 Star date 63345.3.

32:58 While my colleagues are off observing the Leonid meteor shower,

33:01 I've remained behind to complete my paper

33:04 on the decays of highly excited massive string states.

33:07 Although my research is going well, I do miss the warmth of human companionship.

33:18 How's Sheldon doing?

33:19 Well, he came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth

33:21 Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with a force.

33:24 So, I'd say a little better.

33:27 If I may abruptly change the subject, did you and Penny finally,

33:31 you know, personally, I don't care, but my genitals wanted me to ask.

33:36 Well, tell your genitals what I do with Penny is none of their business.

33:40 He says they didn't do it.

33:44 Shelton, over here.

34:00 What are you doing?

34:02 I want to feel bad for the guy.

34:05 Land is more than just a mathematical essay.

34:07 It is also a treatise on Victorian social mores.

34:11 You know, I had never considered that.

34:17 Wow.

34:18 This is going to completely change my visits then.

34:30 Well, it's late.

34:34 Uh-huh.

34:33 Time for bed.

34:37 Okay.

34:40 Good night, Peuty Human.

34:50 Sheldon.

35:00 Yes.

35:00 Listen, they're kind of getting busy in the living room,

35:03 and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.

35:08 Well, I suppose.

35:10 Come in.

35:16 I'll sleep in Leonard's room.

35:18 Good night.

35:28 Morning, old chum.

35:43 What's going on?

35:44 I've made you breakfast.

35:46 I have juice, coffee,

35:48 and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters.

35:52 See, here's Frodo.

35:54 You made Froto pancakes?

35:56 Yeah.

35:56 I use coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet.

36:00 If you need to void your bladder before eating,

36:02 I can keep them warm with this beret that I

36:05 thoroughly laundered and pressed into service as a pancake cozy.

36:10 Why are you doing this?

36:12 It's by way of an apology for my recent behavior.

36:15 I've had some time to reflect and I've come

36:17 to realize that friendship is not an aggregation of written agreements.

36:21 It's the result of two people respecting and caring for each other.

36:26 Butterscotch scone.

36:30 Thanks.

36:32 It's good.

36:33 What you're tasting is respect and affection and about a pound of Crisco.

36:40 After you finished breakfast,

36:42 I thought we could spend the day watching

36:43 the final season of Babylon 5 with director commentary.

36:47 You hate Babylon 5?

36:48 I do.

36:49 It fails as drama, science fiction, and it's hopelessly derivative.

36:53 But you like it and you're my friend.

36:57 Okay, great.

37:00 Still not taking you to Switzerland.

37:03 Dra, no Froto for you.

37:10 You're wrong.

37:10 Wolverine was not born with bone claws.

37:13 Howard, you know me to be a very smart man.

37:15 Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?

37:20 Okay, first of all, give it up, dude.

37:21 You're arguing with a crazy person.

37:24 I'm not crazy.

37:25 My mother had me tested.

37:28 Hey, guys.

37:29 What are you doing here?

37:30 What do you mean?

37:31 It's new comic book night.

37:32 Yeah, but since you and Penny finally hooked up,

37:34 we thought you two would be having bouncy naked yum yum night.

37:39 There's more to life than sex, Raj.

37:41 Okay.

37:41 Who had Leonard Flames out with Penny in less than 24 hours?

37:43 I did.

37:45 Nothing flamed out.

37:47 We don't have to have sex every night.

37:48 You know, you don't have to, but it's highly recommended.

37:53 Yeah.

37:53 Take advantage of that window of opportunity

37:55 before it slams shut on your little dinky.

37:59 It's not a matter of opportunity.

38:00 We're getting to know each other.

38:01 There's a learning curve.

38:03 It's to learn.

38:04 You get naked, do nasty things to each other,

38:06 then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami.

38:08 Easy peasy.

38:10 You perhaps what Leonard is obliquely referring to is

38:12 the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.

38:15 Okay.

38:15 Who had Leonard gets a floppy disc?

38:18 A clever, albeit obsolete,

38:20 euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.

38:26 Nothing like that happened.

38:27 All right.

38:27 The sex was just fine.

38:30 Just fine.

38:31 Oh, dude.

38:32 The fourth Harry Potter movie was just fine.

38:36 I'm not saying it was bad.

38:37 I'm just saying it wasn't great.

38:40 Okay.

38:40 When you say it wasn't great, do you mean for both of you?

38:42 Because we could totally see it not being great for her.

38:44 Am I right?

38:44 Oh, yeah.

38:46 To tell you the truth, I think we were both a little I don't know,

38:50 disappointed, let down, ashamed, horrified, repulsed.

38:54 All I know is it wasn't the way I dreamed it would be.

38:58 Sex is never the way I dreamed it's going to be.

39:02 It's

39:03 because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.

39:08 Excuse me.

39:09 Wolverine Origin Miniseries issue 2, page 22, retractable bone claws.

39:15 If you people spent less time thinking about

39:17 sex and more time concentrating on comic books,

39:19 we'd have far fewer of these embarrassing moments.

39:23 Are you finished?

39:25 Well, thank you.

39:27 How thoughtful.

39:29 Would you like a chocolate?

39:31 Um, yeah, sure.

39:36 Thanks.

39:40 Oh, sorry, Sheldon.

39:41 I almost sat in your spot.

39:43 Did you?

39:44 I didn't notice.

39:46 Have a chocolate.

39:49 Thank you.

39:51 You're here a lot now.

39:55 Oh, am I talking too much?

39:56 I'm sorry.

39:57 Zip.

39:58 Thank you.

40:02 Chocolate.

40:01 Yes, please.

40:09 Oh, hey Kim.

40:11 Yeah, I You know what?

40:14 Hold on.

40:14 Let me take this in the hall.

40:23 You'll never guess who I got to replace a place before.

40:29 Okay, I know what you're doing.

40:33 Really?

40:34 Yes.

40:34 You're using chocolates as positive reinforcement

40:37 for what you consider correct behavior.

40:43 Very good.

40:47 Chocolate.

40:46 No, I don't.

40:52 Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.

40:57 Are you saying that I am forbidden from applying

41:00 a harmless scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?

41:06 Yes, you're forbidden.

41:11 Bad, Leonard.

41:18 This movie baffles me every time we watch it.

41:21 What do you mean?

41:22 The instructions are very clear.

41:24 Don't feed the gremlins after midnight.

41:28 Don't get the gremlins wet.

41:32 How hard is that?

41:36 Hi guys.

41:37 Hi honey.

41:39 Hey.

41:39 Oh, we're Honey now, are we?

41:41 Yes.

41:42 Since their relationship became carnal,

41:43 Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment,

41:46 thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie,

41:48 usually in an attempt to soften a thinly veiled insult.

41:53 You're boring people, sweetie.

41:56 Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.

42:00 So, what are you guys doing?

42:02 Celebrating Columbus Day.

42:03 We're watching Goonies, Gremlins, and Young Sherlock Holmes.

42:06 They're all written by Chris Columbus.

42:11 Okay.

42:12 What do you watch on Thanksgiving?

42:14 The Parade.

42:17 Oh, you know that reminds me.

42:18 I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving,

42:20 but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial.

42:23 What's he on trial for?

42:25 Oh, just a big misunderstanding.

42:27 You know, you'd actually like my brother.

42:28 He's kind of a chemist.

42:34 Anyway, I was thinking I'd have Thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.

42:37 Oh, well, I'll be there.

42:38 Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?

42:42 I guess I could serve both.

42:44 You guess?

42:44 You don't seem to have much of a handle on this.

42:49 Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny,

42:51 but every year my mother has all

42:52 the relatives over and cooks up her famous turbris.

42:57 Ter briskafil

42:59 turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with kafila fish.

43:04 It's not as good as it sounds.

43:08 Raj, what about you?

43:08 Oh, usually comes to my house, right, Po?

43:15 All right.

43:16 This year you don't have to eat the turbris, Phil.

43:20 I don't even chew it.

43:21 I swallow it like pills.

43:25 So, what's going on with Raj?

43:27 Well, the good news is he has no problem with my mother's turbriscapill.

43:33 Hard to believe, but go on.

43:35 The bad news is he says he's getting deported.

43:38 What do you mean he's getting deported?

43:40 I believe it means that the US government

43:41 is going to expel him from the country.

43:44 He could then either return to his native India,

43:46 immigrate to another country that's willing to accept him,

43:48 or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate.

43:55 Personally, I'd choose pirate.

43:58 Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?

44:02 Fine, but the man really needs to work on his girl issues.

44:06 Another reason to consider a life of piracy.

44:08 Even today, I understand that's an allmale profession.

44:13 Okay, she's gone.

44:20 Sorry, I lost my cool.

44:23 So, what's going on?

44:25 Okay, here's the deal.

44:27 6 months ago, my research testing the predicted composition

44:30 of trans Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.

44:33 So, so my visa is only good as long as I'm employed at the university.

44:36 And when they find out I've got squat, they're going to cut me off.

44:40 By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly squat.

44:44 I wish I had squat.

44:47 So, oh, wait.

44:48 What have you been doing for the past 6 months?

44:50 You know, checking email,

44:53 updating my Facebook status, messing up Wikipedia entries.

44:59 Hey, did you know Netflix let you stream movies on your computer now?

45:03 And you've continued to take the university's money under false pretenses.

45:07 Highly unethical for an astrophysicist.

45:10 Well, they're practically mandatory for a pirate.

45:14 I don't want to go back to India.

45:15 It's hot and loud and there's so many people.

45:21 You have no idea.

45:22 They're everywhere.

45:25 Okay, guys, think.

45:26 How do we keep Raj in the country?

45:33 Why doesn't he JUST GET ANOTHER JOB?

45:41 WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?

45:42 I don't know if you can talk now or not.

45:46 Just think, this time tomorrow, we'll be in Geneva,

45:48 Switzerland for our first Valentine's Day.

45:51 I know.

45:52 I went shopping today and bought special undies for the occasion.

45:57 Thermal cuz it's going to be cold.

45:59 Think it through, Leonard.

46:02 Oh.

46:07 Kazintite or as they say in Switzerland, gazunite.

46:14 Getting a cold.

46:15 No, no, it's probably just allergies.

46:19 Do you want an allergy pill?

46:20 Cuz I have them all.

46:22 Prescription, non-prescription, foreign, domestic, experimental.

46:26 Do any of them work?

46:27 Not really.

46:28 I'm just an enthusiast.

46:41 Annie, you okay?

46:45 Does that sound okay to you?

46:49 Do not come in here.

46:52 What's going on?

46:53 I'm having a tea party.

46:55 What do you think's going on?

47:00 I think I might have the FLU

47:05 or the plague.

47:09 Our plane leaves at 9:00 a.m.

47:10 Do you think you'll feel better by then?

47:15 Yeah, cuz I'm going to be dead.

47:21 Hey, Sheldon, listen.

47:24 Penny's pretty sick and she's not going to be able to go to Switzerland.

47:27 So, if you're still interested, you're welcome to come.

47:40 Great.

47:40 I'll start packing in a minute.

47:50 Look, it's the Hilair moose.

47:53 HERE'S your soup.

48:02 Chicken?

48:03 Yes.

48:03 With the little stars?

48:06 Yes.

48:05 Heated to 180°.

48:07 Why don't I pour it in your lap and you can tell me?

48:11 You don't have to be mean.

48:13 I'm sick.

48:14 Yeah, well, I'm sick, too.

48:16 It's not my problem.

48:19 I just don't understand how this happened to me.

48:22 I'm scrupulous about my hygiene.

48:24 I regularly disinfect my hands and I

48:26 avoid contact with other people on general principle.

48:30 I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon.

48:35 Oh, Penny, thank you.

48:47 It's you.

48:48 I touched you.

48:51 Happy Valentine's Day.

49:03 Oh my goodness.

49:04 Look at this room.

49:07 Champagne, roses, dough, and little chocolates.

49:13 This is going to be the best Valentine's Day ever.

49:18 Yeah, I forgot about all this.

49:21 But I never will.

49:24 Okay, I will get those drinks started for you.

49:27 Good day behind you.

49:30 Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?

49:33 I'm trying to get these tables cleared.

49:34 We're slammed.

49:37 No, wait, wait, no, wait.

49:38 What are you doing here?

49:40 A reasonable question.

49:41 I asked myself, what is the most mindnumbing pedestrian job conceivable?

49:46 And three answers came to mind.

49:48 a toll booth attendant, an Apple store genius, and what Penny does.

49:54 Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins and I refuse

50:00 to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am.

50:06 You just walked in and they hired you just like that.

50:10 Heavens, no.

50:11 Since I don't need to be paid, I didn't need to be hired.

50:14 I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man.

50:18 Let me get that plate out of your way.

50:21 Sheldon, this is ridiculous.

50:22 Well, is it?

50:23 Just a moment ago, I had a minor epiphany regarding

50:26 the polymer degradation phenomenon while scraping congealed nachos off a plate.

50:31 Burn at that table wants their check.

50:33 Thanks, Sheldon.

50:34 Sheldon, wait.

50:35 This isn't even what I do.

50:36 I'm a waitress, not a bus boy.

50:38 You're right.

50:39 That is more menial.

50:42 Hello, I'm Sheldon.

50:43 I'll be your server today.

50:45 I don't recommend the salmon.

50:47 I saw it in the kitchen.

50:50 That was fun.

50:52 Thank you.

50:53 Oh,

50:53 Leonard, honey, you don't have to say thank you every time we have sex.

50:58 Okay.

50:58 Tomorrow you're going to get a card in the mail.

51:00 Just throw it away.

51:06 Top of the morning to you.

51:10 What are you doing here?

51:12 Well, usually on Sundays,

51:13 I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market.

51:17 But I'm still working with Sheldon,

51:20 so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami.

51:25 It's the perfect meal for opre.

51:32 By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish.

51:34 Bravo.

51:35 And uh see, if you had killed me when I said kill me,

51:41 I wouldn't have had to hear anything.

51:43 What do you guys think?

51:44 Want to take a matinea?

51:45 Maybe go rollerblading?

51:46 Catch a step class?

51:50 Do something?

51:51 Okay.

51:52 Um Howard, we need to talk.

51:55 Sure.

51:55 Sup, Palms.

51:57 Uh, please understand that it's not that we don't want you around,

52:02 but Penny and I occasionally need some alone time.

52:11 Oh, I I get it.

52:11 I'm the third wheel.

52:14 Sorry, I should have seen that.

52:16 I'll get out of your way.

52:20 Uh, you're going to want to eat those eggs while they're still hot.

52:23 Thank you.

52:26 There's locks and cream cheese in the fridge.

52:28 The bagels are in the oven.

52:29 I was warming them up.

52:35 Great.

52:36 I'm just going to hang out with my mom.

52:37 That's always fun.

52:43 Good.

52:49 Are we terrible people?

52:51 I don't know.

52:52 What do you want me to do?

52:56 Get get him.

52:56 Bring him back.

52:58 You sure?

53:01 Yeah.

53:01 Okay, Howard, come back.

53:03 Oh, you guys have me scared from me.

53:05 I question your premise.

53:07 How is a new suit going to prevent me

53:09 from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?

53:12 It'll give you confidence.

53:13 You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something,

53:16 I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt,

53:18 and I have a whole new outlook on life.

53:21 Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed

53:24 out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?

53:27 Yeah, that's when I buy shoes.

53:30 Now, let's see what we've got.

53:32 Oh, this is nice.

53:36 It's only one color.

53:39 Yes.

53:39 So, that's a lot of money for only one color.

53:44 Fine.

53:44 Why don't you pick out what you like?

53:50 H.

53:50 This is pretty sharp.

53:58 No, you're wrong.

54:01 This is great.

54:03 I had a suit like this when I was six.

54:11 Okay, I think we have a winner.

54:15 Where the hell did you find that?

54:17 In the prom department.

54:19 It's ridiculous, says the former member of the corn queen's court.

54:26 Please just try this one on.

54:29 Okay, then anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison.

54:40 This is absurd.

54:41 I look like a clown.

54:45 I have a question.

54:48 Warlord beats troll.

54:49 Troll beats elf.

54:50 Elf beats water sprite.

54:51 And basically everything beats enchanted bunny.

54:55 Unless you have a carrot of power.

54:58 Okay, I've got another question.

55:01 When does this get fun?

55:03 Are we going to talk or we going to play Mystic Warlords of Kata?

55:08 Just uh play a potion card.

55:10 Which one?

55:11 It doesn't matter.

55:12 You can't possibly win.

55:15 Sheldon, don't ruin the game.

55:16 How could he ruin the game?

55:17 Given the cards that have already been played,

55:19 Penny can only be holding necromancer potions,

55:21 which are only effective against wraiths and day walkers,

55:23 and there are no more of either left to be drawn.

55:25 The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons,

55:28 a troll, two ogres, and the jewel of Osiris.

55:32 See, ruined.

55:35 Sheldon, that is incredible.

55:37 From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.

55:40 Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.

55:43 Photographic is a misnomer.

55:45 I have an idetic memory as I've told you many times.

55:48 Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of May 7th.

55:52 You had turkey and complained it was dry.

55:56 Well, I guess game's over.

55:57 Really?

55:58 Oh, great.

56:00 I mean, a Okay, I got to go.

56:06 Why?

56:06 Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of CA.

56:10 Not car.

56:16 I see you.

56:19 Still can't believe she's going out with me.

56:21 Nobody can.

56:24 That reminds me.

56:25 I have a bone to pick with you.

56:28 What?

56:27 You and I made a pack that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend,

56:32 that person would have his girlfriend hook

56:33 the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.

56:36 Yeah, I don't remember that.

56:38 June 30th, 2004.

56:41 Opening day of Spider-Man 2 at the AMC Pasadena.

56:44 They only had red ices, no blue.

56:49 Oh, yeah.

56:50 So, you've been with Penny for like a month and a half now.

56:52 Where's my shorty, Morty?

56:55 Well, Howard, you can't hold me to that.

56:57 Why not?

56:58 Because when I made that agreement,

56:59 I didn't think I'd ever have a hot girlfriend,

57:01 and I was positive you never would.

57:05 How come I wasn't part of this deal?

57:06 You had left the refreshment stand in order

57:08 to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.

57:13 Wait, so that's how it works?

57:14 I have a teeny bladder and now I don't get a hot girlfriend.

57:18 Yeah, Raj, that's how it works.

57:24 Damn.

57:23 Amazing Spider-Man 183.

57:24 Got it.

57:27 Remember this one?

57:27 Spider-Man loses a big fight and then his girlfriend breaks up with him.

57:35 Want me to get it for you?

57:36 That'll help take your mind off thing.

57:39 Hey guys, what's going on?

57:41 We need to kill a couple hours till the next showing of Time Bandits.

57:44 Oh, well, no problem.

57:45 I was thinking of closing early and going home, but let's face it,

57:49 that's just a slightly smaller, lonely room filled with comic books.

57:54 Thanks, Stuart.

57:57 Let me ask you something.

57:58 Do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?

58:01 No.

58:01 I mean, she's obviously way out of line.

58:03 But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning,

58:06 and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.

58:12 So, the only question is how long until you fold?

58:15 I am not going to fold.

58:17 Excuse me.

58:17 I don't think Penny's out of line at all.

58:19 You don't own her.

58:21 It's like my girl Beyonce says, if you like it,

58:23 you should have put a ring on it.

58:27 Come on.

58:28 At the very least, when she found out Leonard was upset about it,

58:30 she should have backed off.

58:32 You mean like when a guy's upset because

58:33 his friend agreed to take a cooking class

58:35 with him and then doesn't show up because

58:36 he's doing a juice fast with his mother?

58:39 I didn't know you were upset about that.

58:42 Really?

58:42 Did you miss all the subtle indicators like me saying Howard, I am upset.

58:46 Okay, sorry.

58:47 Maybe it means something different in this country.

58:48 Back in India, it means you're upset with a guy named Howard.

58:51 YEAH, I SAID I'M SORRY.

58:53 SORRY DOESN'T MAKE UP FOR THE FACT THAT I

58:54 had to make chicken and rice with this vegan guy.

58:57 Do you know what vegan chicken and rice is?

58:59 RICE.

59:01 YOU THINK I WAS HAVING FUN SITTING AROUND ALL NIGHT LISTENING TO MY MOTHER SAY,

59:05 "HAVE YOU EVER PEED SO MUCH IN your life?" OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SUCH A MAMA'S BOY.

59:11 HEY, DON'T BRING MY MOTHER INTO THIS.

59:13 YOU BROUGHT YOUR MOTHER INTO THIS.

59:15 STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU.

59:17 ALL THIS FIGHTING, I MIGHT AS WELL BE BACK WITH MY PARENTS.

59:19 Damn it, George.

59:20 I told you if you didn't quit drinking, I'd leave you.

59:22 Well, I guess that makes you a liar cuz I'm drunk as hell and you're still here.

59:26 STOP YELLING.

59:27 YOU'RE MAKING SHELTON CRY.

59:29 I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S MAKING SHELTON CRY.

59:30 THAT I LET YOU NAME HIM SHELDON.

59:40 BOY, what got him so upset?

59:43 Oh, sure.

59:43 You can tell when Sheldon's upset.