20 Times Penny Regretted Leaving Her Apartment

0:00 Hey.

0:00 Hey.

0:00 I just found a farm where they let you chop down your own tree.

0:04 Oh, cool.

0:05 I'll be like a pointier paw bunion.

0:16 Stupid idea.

0:19 No.

0:19 What's stupid is a physicist who doesn't understand

0:22 when you swing an axe, you don't let go.

0:27 for the 10th time.

0:28 But my mittens were slippery.

0:31 It's 70°.

0:32 You didn't need mittens.

0:34 You know how easily I blister.

0:37 Yes.

0:38 Yes.

0:38 You bruise.

0:39 You peel.

0:39 It's like I'm married to an old piece of fruit.

0:43 Look, we could keep fighting and let it ruin our night.

0:45 Or or we could stop and try to salvage the evening.

0:50 Fine.

0:49 Thank you.

0:58 Leonard.

1:02 Yeah,

1:01 there's something on the windshield.

1:11 You need a break?

1:13 Do not need a break.

1:15 There's no shame in asking for a break.

1:17 If I need a break, I'll ask for a break.

1:23 Leonard.

1:23 Yeah.

1:27 There's a tree on you.

1:38 You want to decorate it tonight?

1:40 Yeah.

1:40 With gasoline and a match?

1:41 Sure.

1:57 I hope he kills us both.

2:12 I knew it.

2:17 Give us the precious.

2:20 Give me it.

2:21 Give me.

2:21 GET OFF OF ME.

2:22 GIVE ME THE BREAK.

2:23 IT'S MINE.

2:24 Got to go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.

2:27 Give me the Give me the money.

2:31 Is it the Forier transform extends to minus infinity in time.

2:35 Hey, don't dumb this down for me.

2:40 Penny, I'm late for that thing.

2:41 See you.

2:44 Letter.

2:44 Oh, Sheldon.

2:45 Didn't see you there.

2:46 What's up?

2:47 Well, uh, he was excited to talk science with Amy, but she was working late,

2:50 so he decided to come over and share it with me.

2:53 With me, Leonard?

2:56 With me?

2:59 Sheldon, we've talked about this.

3:01 You can't go around boring other people's wives.

3:04 Yeah, I already got a man for that.

3:08 Yeah, you do.

3:10 Yeah.

3:10 And she says, "I've been enjoying my collaboration with Amy,

3:12 but ever since we got back from our honeymoon, she has so little time."

3:15 Well, she does have her own job.

3:17 Yeah, but it's so dull.

3:20 Trying to understand how the brain

3:21 translates the five senses into biochemical information.

3:25 I'd rather wait in line without my phone.

3:29 Okay.

3:29 Well, Leonard's here now.

3:30 You can talk science with him.

3:32 Where you going?

3:33 That thing you were late for.

3:34 One of us should really be there.

3:36 You try too hard.

3:40 Look at me.

3:42 What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?

3:47 Well, you have a terrific chance.

3:50 I mean, you're smart.

3:51 You're funny.

3:52 You have a cool job.

3:53 You build stuff that goes into outer space, I guess.

3:56 No, look, I'm telling you, I've known you for like a year and a half,

3:59 and this is the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person.

4:03 And you know what?

4:04 I like him.

4:06 He's a nice guy.

4:08 You really think so?

4:12 Yes.

4:12 I don't know.

4:14 No, I do.

4:29 Is it that nobody touches food on my plate?

4:32 All right.

4:32 Look, I didn't know.

4:33 I'm sorry.

4:34 Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.

4:40 What?

4:41 You have two strikes.

4:43 Three strikes and you're out.

4:47 It's a sports metaphor.

4:50 A sports metaphor?

4:51 Yes.

4:51 Baseball.

4:55 All right.

4:55 Yeah, I'll I'll play along.

4:56 What was my first strike?

4:58 March 18th.

4:59 You violated my rule about forwarding email humor.

5:03 I did?

5:04 I trusted you with my email address and you

5:06 betrayed that trust by sending me internet benality.

5:09 Strike one.

5:11 Touching my food.

5:12 Strike two.

5:15 Don't worry.

5:16 They only stay on your record for a year.

5:19 You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

5:23 Oh, come on.

5:25 I touched one onion ring

5:27 and then you put it back,

5:28 compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.

5:32 Oh, honey.

5:33 The buses don't go where you live, do they?

5:39 Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you,

5:41 but since you've become a permanent member of our social group,

5:43 I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.

5:47 Congratulations.

5:47 You're officially one of us.

5:50 One of us.

5:51 One of us.

5:54 Well, what a thrill.

5:56 You're sitting in my spot.

5:58 Oh, you've got to be kidding me,

6:00 Leonard.

6:00 She's in my spot.

6:01 Yeah.

6:02 Yeah.

6:02 Uh,

6:03 I don't care.

6:03 I'm taking a stand.

6:05 All right, that's it.

6:07 Strike three.

6:08 Ooh, strike three.

6:10 I'm banished.

6:11 What the hell kind of crap is that?

6:14 Don't worry, I'll talk to him.

6:15 Yeah, you do that.

6:16 Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class?

6:20 Star Wars day is rapidly approaching.

6:22 We should finalize our plans.

6:24 What?

6:24 That's a real thing?

6:27 What is it?

6:27 Star Wars Christmas?

6:30 No, don't be ridiculous.

6:32 That's Wookie Life Day.

6:35 So, when is it?

6:37 Well, it's not May the 5th and it's not May the 3.

6:46 It's May the 4th.

6:50 Get it?

6:52 May the fourth be with you.

6:56 May the force be with you.

6:58 Get it?

6:58 Oh, no.

6:59 This face wasn't because they didn't get it.

7:01 I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would

7:05 appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.

7:10 Oh my god, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.

7:18 Oh, a pocket watch.

7:19 Okay, I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch.

7:21 No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.

7:26 Still saying stupid stuff.

7:30 Ooh, she like bracelets.

7:32 Well, she's very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicellin.

7:37 Maybe they have a dressier version of that.

7:39 Well, how are we doing this afternoon?

7:41 Are we looking for anything special?

7:43 Perhaps a ring for the lady.

7:44 Trust me, we are not a couple.

7:47 Excuse me.

7:48 I don't see why you get to snort derisively and point that out.

7:51 You'd be lucky to land a fellow like me.

7:55 Fine, go ahead.

7:56 Trust me, we are not a couple.

7:58 Do you go on many dates?

8:00 Uh, yeah.

8:00 I wouldn't say many.

8:02 A few.

8:09 What's

8:09 your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few?

8:16 Where did you get 171 men?

8:18 Simple extrapolation.

8:20 In the 3 years that I've known you, you were single for two.

8:23 During that time, I saw 17 different suitors.

8:26 If we work backwards,

8:27 correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15.

8:32 Whoa, wait, wait, wait.

8:33 I did not start dating at 15.

8:35 I'm sorry.

8:36 16.

8:39 14.

8:40 My mistake.

8:40 Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peeking around the present,

8:44 that would bring the total up to 193 men, plus or minus eight men.

8:51 Remarkable.

8:53 Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?

8:57 No.

8:57 Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate based

9:00 on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving

9:03 her apartment in the morning plus the number of times she's

9:06 returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before.

9:09 Okay, Shelon, I think you've made your point.

9:11 So, we multiply 193 minus 21 men before the loss of virginity.

9:16 So 172 *.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners.

9:24 Let's round that up to 31.

9:27 Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong.

9:29 That is not even close to the real number.

9:31 I'm going to need a drink over here.

9:34 How's your work going, Penny?

9:35 Any acting jobs?

9:37 Uh, well, the last big thing I did was

9:38 this production of Diary of Anne Frank above a bowling alley,

9:42 but I think things might be turning around pretty soon.

9:46 Great.

9:46 How come?

9:47 Well,

9:48 promise you won't make fun of me.

9:50 Of course, I would never make fun of you.

9:53 Okay.

9:53 Well, I went to this psychic who told me that if I cut my hair,

9:56 I'm going to get a national commercial.

10:01 Seriously, you're getting career advice from a psychic?

10:05 Good job not making fun of her.

10:08 She's not one of those phonies.

10:10 Okay.

10:10 She wrote a book and has her own website.

10:12 Oh, gee, why didn't you say so?

10:14 They don't just let anyone have a website.

10:17 Why are you being such a jerk?

10:19 You're surprised your psychic didn't tell you I was going to be a jerk?

10:24 Bite me.

10:26 Come on, Penny.

10:27 Why don't you kids go ahead and chat?

10:29 We're going to make out back here.

10:35 I'm sliding into third.

10:39 Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.

10:42 A young woman alone in the big city.

10:45 Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.

10:49 Hey, wait a minute.

10:50 Hang on.

10:51 Let's see where he's going.

10:53 Then it hits her.

10:54 How is she going to survive?

10:56 But she has no prospects, no marketable skills,

10:59 and then one day she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.

11:10 Hey, hang on.

11:09 Let's see where he's going.

11:12 She befriends them and then lies and wait until they reveal

11:15 a marketable idea which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

11:20 That is ridiculous.

11:22 Oh, is it?

11:22 Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why

11:24 this woman hangs out with us all the time.

11:31 Okay, you know what?

11:31 I've already mooched dinner off you guys.

11:33 I don't need to listen to this.

11:34 Do friendship.

11:36 Would you booze Hound, PLEASE STOP THAT INFERNO CLINKING.

11:42 AND the answer was elephant.

12:12 Oh god.

12:19 Oh god.

12:22 Oh.

12:24 Okay.

12:25 Look.

12:26 This never happened.

12:28 Do you understand me?

12:32 Really?

12:33 Still can't talk to me.

12:35 What about your pedometer?

12:37 Don't have one.

12:37 Well, you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod.

12:40 Uh, no.

12:40 What?

12:40 Well, what do you do?

12:42 You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny?

12:45 No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.

12:53 Why are you doing that?

12:55 It's good to stretch your muscles before you run.

12:57 All right.

12:58 All right.

12:58 Let's uh start with a toe touch.

13:07 Okay, you do it.

13:10 I am doing it.

13:13 Oh, wow.

13:14 Good job.

13:14 Okay.

13:15 Um, can you do this?

13:19 We'll never know.

13:21 Okay, let's just uh warm up on the run.

13:23 Okay.

13:24 Okay, let's go.

13:24 Yeah, I've been reading up on biomechanics.

13:27 I I think you'll BE SURPRISED IF I OH MY GOD.

13:33 ARE YOU OKAY?

13:34 I think so.

13:35 Let me help you up.

13:36 Thank you.

13:39 Oh, Sheldon.

13:42 If it makes you feel any better,

13:44 Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.

13:47 Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly 3 ft wide.

13:50 I slipped and skinned my knee.

13:52 Are you okay?

13:54 Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked,

13:56 so I had to go down the fire escape,

13:58 which ends on the third floor,

13:59 forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely

14:01 Armenian family who insisted I stay for lunch.

14:06 That doesn't sound too bad.

14:07 It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.

14:14 Sorry,

14:13 not done.

14:14 By the time I finally got to work, they've given my shift away.

14:17 Yeah, that's right.

14:18 I've lost an entire day's pay thanks to this this

14:21 time machine.

14:26 The lights flash in the dish bins.

14:27 You want to try it?

14:30 No, I don't want to try it.

14:31 My god, you are grown men.

14:33 How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys

14:36 and costumes and comic books and and now that that again?

14:41 Time machines.

14:44 Oh, please.

14:44 It's not a time machine.

14:46 I mean, if anything,

14:46 it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

14:51 Who wants the last dumpling?

14:53 Who me?

14:53 Give your pennies a moment.

14:56 We just had Thai food and in that culture,

14:59 the last morsel is called the grai piece,

15:02 and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.

15:13 Thank you all for this high honor.

15:17 I've seen pictures of your mother.

15:19 Keep eating.

15:37 Well, where the hell is the coin?

15:39 Wasn't the answer Shell in spot?

15:41 Oh, yes, Leonard.

15:43 YES, IT WAS.

15:47 WHERE'S THE COIN?

15:48 YES, EXACTLY.

15:50 Where is the coin?

15:53 Why don't you look in your pockets?

15:59 I slipped them in there earlier today.

16:03 I don't get it.

16:06 Don't you see?

16:07 When we're all having fun together, we're already winners.

16:11 Oh, look.

16:12 See, even I'm a widow.

16:17 Are you kidding me?

16:20 This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

16:24 You suck.

16:26 So hot.

16:27 Here are some topics that interest me.

16:29 Quantum mechanics, trains, flags.

16:32 No, no, it's about my acting career.

16:34 Oh, I'm sorry.

16:34 That's not on the list.

16:37 Oh, wait.

16:37 No.

16:38 How about we split the difference and discuss why Austria

16:42 was an arch duche and not just a regular duchy?

16:46 Okay, here's the thing.

16:47 I like pharmaceutical sales.

16:48 It's going great, but I have an audition for a movie and if I get it,

16:51 it could screw everything up.

16:53 H I know exactly what you should do.

16:56 Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.

17:00 Well, why?

17:01 We I'm attempting to turn over a new leaf.

17:04 Earlier today, it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.

17:09 But you're really not going to tell me.

17:12 Nope.

17:12 That train has left the station.

17:15 Now, we can play this one of two ways.

17:18 You can say, "Trains,

17:19 tell me more." Or you can just look at me like that and I'll start.

17:25 How often would you pretend to like things just to have sex with me?

17:29 All the time.

17:32 You're kidding.

17:33 Does this sound familiar?

17:35 I'd love to go shoe shopping with you.

17:38 You have to hiking.

17:39 It's great.

17:41 It's 2 a.m.

17:42 Of course, I want to go to Korea Town and sing karaoke with your friends.

17:45 Who wouldn't?

17:48 Okay, we were going out.

17:49 You were going to get sex anyway.

17:51 Really?

17:51 You would have slept with me after a three-hour documentary on dams?

17:57 No, no woman would.

18:00 See, you know, that's the great thing.

18:01 We're out as friends.

18:02 This is not a date.

18:03 Sex is off the table.

18:05 So, let's go learn why hydroelectric power might

18:08 not be the environmental bargain you think it is.

18:12 Sorry, spoiler alert.

18:17 All right, fine.

18:21 Thanks.

18:20 Tickets are 11 bucks.

18:26 Not a date.

18:33 and hold.

18:34 Three, two, one.

18:39 Very good.

18:41 Now, let's try warrior two and hold.

18:50 I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies,

18:54 they can draw water in through their genitals.

19:06 Yeah.

19:06 Well, I don't think we're going to get to do that today.

19:10 Too bad.

19:12 Seems like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.

19:17 Here are the makeup sponges you asked for.

19:19 Oh, thanks.

19:19 I thought I had more.

19:25 Damn, you've got more makeup than I do.

19:28 You've got better makeup than I do.

19:30 Yeah, I'm borrowing this.

19:32 Hey, hey, this is my Comic-Con makeup.

19:35 I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.

19:39 That's a wise policy.

19:41 I once borrowed my sister's makeup for a costume contest.

19:44 Got terrible case of pink eye.

19:46 Yeah, but luckily I was going as a zombie.

19:48 I won second place.

19:51 I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.

19:53 That was San Diego Comic- Con.

19:54 This is Bakersfield Comic-Con.

19:56 Is that better?

19:58 It's a lot smaller.

19:59 It's more about the comic books.

20:00 The way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.

20:03 So, to answer your question, no, it's not better.

20:07 Well, then why are you going?

20:09 It's a comic book convention.

20:11 You know, it's like pizza or particle accelerators.

20:13 Even the stinky ones still pretty good.

20:16 All right.

20:16 Well, you guys have fun.

20:17 I guess I'll see you Sunday night.

20:19 Yeah.

20:19 Okay.

20:20 Oh, hang on a second.

20:21 Hold this.

20:28 What was that for?

20:29 To show people when they don't believe me.