The RAUNCHIEST Moments from the American Pie Movies | Big Screen Laughs

0:03 Uh just a second.

0:10 Come in.

0:10 Come in.

0:12 Oh, Jim, you're here.

0:14 Uh I was just uh walking by your your room

0:16 and uh and you you know I was thinking of boy,

0:20 it's been a long time since we've had a little father-son uh uh chat.

0:25 Oh, I I almost forgot.

0:26 I uh I uh I bought some magazines.

0:30 Would you want to just flip to the uh center section?

0:34 Well, this is the this is the uh female

0:36 form and uh they have uh focused on the breasts

0:40 uh which are used uh primarily to feed

0:43 young infants and um and also uh in foreplay.

0:48 Right.

0:49 This is uh This is Hustler and this is a much more exotic magazine.

0:56 Now, they have decided to focus more on the uh pubic uh region.

1:01 Uh the whole groin area.

1:05 Uh-huh.

1:04 Look at the expression on her face.

1:06 You see that?

1:07 See what she's doing?

1:08 She's kind of looking right into your eyes saying, "Hey, big boy.

1:13 Hey, how you doing?" You see?

1:16 Right.

1:19 Shaved is a magazine I'm not too familiar

1:22 with, but again uh if you flip to the center section.

1:29 Well, you see the detail that uh that they go into in this picture here.

1:33 Uh-huh.

1:33 It almost looks like a uh tropical plant or something.

1:37 Underwater.

1:37 Yeah.

1:38 Think.

1:38 Do you know what a clitoris is?

1:40 Oh my god.

1:41 Well, I mean don't tell Yes, I know what a clitoris is.

1:43 Oh, I see.

1:43 Yes, you do.

1:44 I forgot you've been there and back.

1:45 Well, I I learned about it in sex ed.

1:47 I really don't need you to sit here and talk to me about a clitoris.

1:50 You know what?

1:51 I'm sorry.

1:51 Okay, I'm sorry.

1:52 No, no, no.

1:53 I'm sorry.

1:53 I'm sorry.

1:54 I'm sorry.

1:55 I'm sorry.

1:56 I shouldn't have got hot there.

1:58 Well, you know, what I'm going to do uh Jim,

2:00 I'm going to uh just leave these books here

2:02 for you to uh peruse at your at your uh leisure.

2:06 Wait.

2:13 Well, safer than a tube sock.

2:17 Okay, that uh that was good.

2:19 Yeah.

2:23 See you at dinner.

2:24 Uh yeah, I'll see I'll see you at dinner.

2:26 I have a serious question to ask you guys.

2:27 Okay.

2:28 You know Nadia, the Czech assistant?

2:30 The Czech?

2:30 Well, she might be there tonight.

2:31 Now, do you think she would prefer laid-back Jim or [clears throat]

2:42 cool hip Jim?

2:43 I don't think it really matters with that shirt that you're wearing.

2:46 What?

2:47 [laughter] Correct me if I'm wrong,

2:48 but you're the one with the girlfriend and you're still stranded on third base.

2:50 Hey, at least I know what third base feels like, okay?

2:53 You're still just a bat boy.

2:56 What are you talking about?

2:58 Guys, um what exactly does third base feel like?

3:03 You want to take this one?

3:07 Like warm apple pie.

3:09 Yeah?

3:10 Yeah.

3:11 Apple pie, huh?

3:12 Uh-huh.

3:14 McDonald's or homemade?

3:17 Gentlemen, destiny awaits.

3:23 Mom, home.

3:45 [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] Oh, yeah.

4:23 Huh?

4:27 Jim?

4:29 It's not what it looks like.

4:35 Well, we'll just tell your mother that uh that uh we ate it all.

4:46 Vicky, I think it's time to take the next step in our relationship.

4:50 Tonight?

4:51 Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.

4:53 It's how you've always pictured it, isn't it?

4:56 Man, what a first[ __] step.

4:58 Dude, you got to take a shower.

4:59 Dude, you smell like a yeti.

5:02 Or not.

5:05 Just relax.

5:15 Let me know.

5:16 Okay.

5:17 Keep going.

5:29 So maybe you are beautiful.

5:31 Damn it, Diffler.

5:32 Check-out time.

5:34 Please.

5:34 Okay, dude.

5:36 You are such a jerk.

5:42 Don't worry, you'll get her back sooner than now.

5:44 You think so?

5:44 Sure, she likes you.

5:46 Well, I like her, too.

5:47 I Do you love her?

5:49 Um you know what?

5:50 You can't really ask me that.

5:52 Well, if you want to get her in the sack, I mean just tell her you love her.

5:55 That's how I was duped.

5:57 Look, Jessica, I I don't want to dupe her.

6:01 All right.

6:03 What you need to do is learn how to press a girl's buttons.

6:05 You have to give her what she's never had.

6:07 What's that?

6:09 Let me give you a hint.

6:11 Oh, Kev.

6:14 Yeah.

6:15 Comprende?

6:16 You mean an orgasm?

6:18 You got it, stud.

6:19 Well, you know, I'm I'm pretty sure that I've given her a No, you haven't.

6:24 Well, there was one time No.

6:28 Oh, man.

6:29 Look, kid, it's up to you.

6:30 The big L or the big O.

6:33 So, I I was thinking maybe, you know,

6:35 you could give me some advice, brother to brother.

6:38 I thought you might know a trick or something to make her Orgasm?

6:43 Yeah.

6:44 What's good here?

6:45 Try the spicy tuna hand roll.

6:47 What?

6:47 How do you do that?

6:48 Hey, never mind that.

6:49 Now, listen, pay attention.

6:51 Is that all that you're interested in?

6:52 Trying to get your girl into bed?

6:54 No.

6:54 It'd be good to be able to, you know, return the favor.

6:57 It'd be nice to know that she enjoys things as much as I do.

7:00 See that?

7:00 That's good.

7:01 That's what I wanted to hear.

7:02 Now, you qualify.

7:03 Qualify for what?

7:04 My man, you've just inherited the Bible.

7:10 It originally started as a sex manual.

7:12 This book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam.

7:15 And each year it got passed down to one East student who was worthy.

7:18 Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff that guys have added over the years.

7:24 You have to keep it a secret and return it at the end of the year.

7:28 All right, so now you know.

7:30 Good luck.

7:58 I was being selfish and and majorly insensitive.

8:01 I'm I'm a total idiot.

8:02 I mean a fool, a buffoon.

8:05 __] really sums it up.

8:06 You know what?

8:06 You're right.

8:07 I'm a[ __] And I want to make it up to you.

8:10 Oh, yeah?

8:12 How?

8:18 My parents are downstairs.

8:19 Kevin, don't stop.

8:21 Just a second.

8:40 You know there's no lock on your door?

8:49 I'm coming.

8:50 I'm coming.

8:55 Hello?

8:56 Looks like Jim addressed the email wrong.

8:59 What?

9:00 It went out to every mailbox in the East High directory.

9:03 God, how juvenile.

9:06 Hey, hey, hey, guys, guys.

9:08 Check this out.

9:09 Oh my god.

9:10 Wow.

9:17 Please, God, let this be it.

9:21 Please.

9:25 [sighs] S- Somebody's going in there.

9:29 There you go.

9:30 That's what you need to do.

9:31 That guy's in my trig class.

9:32 Oh, no.

9:35 Looks like you could use an extra hand.

9:38 Jim.

9:39 Well, I'll I'll Shame on you.

9:41 Yeah, shame on me.

9:42 I'm so sorry.

9:43 I'm so sorry.

9:44 You know, I'm I'm just going to go.

9:46 Well, you have seen me.

9:50 Now, it's my turn to see you.

9:54 Strip.

9:57 Strip?

9:58 Slowly.

10:00 Uh You mean like strip strip?

10:04 For me.

10:07 What is he talking to her about?

10:09 Uh no idea.

10:11 Come on Jim, people are viewing.

10:12 Get to business.

10:17 Perfect.

10:20 Move Jim, move.

10:20 Yeah, yeah, move.

10:30 Go shake boy, it's your birthday.

10:43 No, no, no.

10:45 on.

10:45 Please bad.

10:46 Come on.

10:46 What's going on?

10:50 [music]

10:53 Yes.

10:53 All right.

10:54 Get in the mix.

10:55 Okay.

10:59 This is disgusting.

11:01 What the[ __] is this?

11:05 Come on, man.

11:12 [laughter] [music] Freak.

11:27 Did he not just take out that chair?

11:29 Yep, he took out the chair.

11:31 More, more, you bad boy.

11:33 Oh yeah, I'm bad.

11:34 I'm naughty, baby.

11:36 Yeah.

11:37 Oh god.

11:46 Now.

11:47 Come to me.

11:49 Oh yeah.

11:58 Here we go.

11:59 He's in, man.

12:00 This just got a hell of a lot better.

12:02 Be gentle.

12:05 Okay.

12:15 Jim.

12:16 Oh.

12:18 Oh no.

12:19 Oh no.

12:19 Oh no.

12:20 Oh no.

12:22 OH.

12:22 OH.

12:23 YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY, DUDE.

12:24 USED TO BE.

12:25 WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

12:28 What happened?

12:28 What did he do?

12:31 He blew it.

12:33 I guess I'll be going now.

12:34 No, no, no, Emma.

12:36 I'm not I'm not done, Naughty.

12:37 I have a I've got reserves.

12:40 Naughty, please, please, I'm begging you.

12:43 Well, I do like your dirty magazines.

12:45 You do?

12:46 Okay, well, um Did Did Did you see this one?

12:51 Th- This here is your is your more um exotic risque magazine.

12:55 He's pulling out the porn.

12:56 He's desperate.

12:57 Jim, just wait till she leaves.

12:59 Very arousing women.

13:00 They arouse me.

13:02 They arouse me very, very much.

13:04 But uh But not as not as arousing as you.

13:08 Oh Jim.

13:10 Oh god.

13:16 Yeah.

13:17 All right.

13:18 Yeah, yeah.

13:19 He's really engaging.

13:24 So long, shaved with the expression.

13:32 Holy[ __] Holy[ __] Holy[ __] Touch me, Jim.

13:41 Yeah.

13:46 Again?

13:47 Not again.

13:49 Not again, man.

13:50 It's impossible.

13:52 What a loser.

13:59 Hey, Kevin.

14:01 Seen Shipwreck lately?

14:02 Why?

14:04 What did you do to him?

14:05 Me?

14:06 Nothing.

14:08 I'm the one whose ass he kicked.

14:10 But uh I'll tell you one thing though.

14:14 I don't think he's going to have a problem[ __] in school anymore.

14:16 Slipped a little something in his mocha chino.

14:22 God.

14:24 Oh.

14:25 Oh.

14:32 Jesus.

14:34 Take this away, sir.

14:42 Oh god.

14:48 Come on.

15:13 Oh no.

15:16 [laughter] It's going to be fun.

15:17 You know it's just going to be some crappy band and stupid decorations.

15:20 Okay, you're just saying that because prom's

15:22 a week away and you don't have a date.

15:24 No, no, no, no.

15:25 I don't want a date.

15:27 Finch is going stag and so am I.

15:31 Guy is like so refined.

15:34 Oh.

15:35 You think that older woman thing is true?

15:37 Yeah, it's true.

15:39 It was Stifler's mom.

15:43 Jeanine, um was that you?

15:45 Ah, bend and hold.

15:48 Oh.

15:49 Oh.

15:52 Oh.

15:52 Oh.

15:53 OH.

15:54 OH.

15:55 OH.

15:57 OH.

15:58 OH.

16:00 OH.

16:00 OH.

16:02 OH.

16:03 OH.

16:05 OH.

16:06 OH.

16:08 OH.

16:16 [laughter] YEAH.

16:20 [laughter] ARE YOU LOST?

16:44 STIFLER'S MOM, UH NO, NO, not lost.

16:48 Just um you know, taking the tour.

16:54 Hey, uh thank you for letting us have this wonderful party.

16:58 As if there was an alternative in the matter.

17:06 So you enjoying yourself?

17:08 I'm three sheets to the wind, man.

17:11 I'm so happy for you.

17:13 But it takes the edge off, doesn't it?

17:17 So where's your little date tonight?

17:19 Oh, no date.

17:19 It was It was a bathroom incident.

17:23 Pardon me?

17:25 Never mind.

17:31 You have anything to drink?

17:33 I believe the kegs are upstairs.

17:36 That is what the cretins drink.

17:39 I'm talking about alcohol, liquor.

17:41 The good stuff.

17:43 All right.

17:45 I got some scotch.

17:47 Single malt?

17:48 Aged 18 years.

17:51 The way I like it.

17:57 Want to go grab a glass from the bar?

18:01 Think I should.

18:04 Allow me.

18:07 Yeah, so I said, this is very obviously a Piera della Francesca.

18:13 [laughter] [music]

18:19 So uh Would you object if I said that you were quite striking?

18:25 Mr.

18:26 Finch.

18:28 Are you trying to seduce me?

18:29 Yes, ma'am, [music] I am.

18:39 [music] [music] You're dead.

18:52 I had no idea you'd be this good.

18:53 Neither did I.

18:55 Oh Finch, Finch.

18:57 Oh, Stifler's mom.

18:58 Oh.

18:58 Finch.

19:01 This is Stifler.

19:03 Mom, where's the Mom?

19:08 Shipwreck?

19:09 Oh, hey Stifler.