Best of Kevin Hart | Ride Along VS Night School VS The 40 Year Old Virgin | Big Screen Laughs

0:00 Ramon.

0:01 Hey, hey, hey, hey.

0:03 Ramon.

0:05 I know you hear me.

0:06 What are you doing with these guys?

0:09 Don't you got an English test today?

0:11 You think they're going to let you play basketball if you fail that test?

0:13 I already speak English.

0:14 Okay.

0:15 Well, go ahead.

0:16 Go, you got to figure it out.

0:18 Hey, hey.

0:19 Before you go, let's play this out.

0:21 Okay?

0:22 You go with them, you get dropped.

0:24 Now that you're drunk, you can't play basketball.

0:26 How long before you drop out?

0:28 I'd give it a week.

0:29 So, now you're a 17-year-old wino.

0:31 When you're a wino, you do what winos do best.

0:34 You go to jail.

0:35 Once, twice, third time you get a hard judge.

0:38 Judge gives you two choices.

0:39 You got jail, you got the army.

0:40 Which one you going to take?

0:42 Army ain't so bad.

0:44 All right, no, you're right, it's not.

0:45 But, see, you forgot about one thing.

0:47 War.

0:48 So, now you're in Afghanistan.

0:49 You know what they got in Afghanistan?

0:51 Land mines.

0:52 Boom.

0:53 You got no legs.

0:54 So, now what happens?

0:56 You're right back here.

0:57 You're on the streets.

0:57 But, let's remember, you got no diploma.

1:00 You got no feet.

1:01 You got no job.

1:03 That means you're back at the liquor store getting drunk all damn day.

1:07 Now that you're drunk all day, you try to steal cuz you don't have a job.

1:10 But, stealing ain't going too good cuz you can't run.

1:13 You know why you can't run?

1:14 Cuz you GOT NO FEET.

1:15 NOW YOU'RE STUCK living in a refrigerator box.

1:18 Here's the bad thing.

1:19 You're lonely.

1:20 You're in the gutter and you're legless.

1:22 Is that what you want?

1:23 Huh?

1:29 I think I'm going to go back inside now.

1:30 You going to walk?

1:31 Run.

1:32 Okay.

1:34 [laughter]

1:33 All right.

1:33 Cuz you didn't have legs, you got to crawl.

1:36 All right, man.

1:37 Go ahead.

1:39 You're something else.

1:41 About the dumbest damn kid in this school.

1:44 I don't think the sight on THE GUN IS QUITE CALIBRATED.

1:46 THE WAY I WAS SHOOTING, IT LOOKS A LITTLE OFF.

1:52 YEAH, IT'S OFF BY A CENTIMETER OR TWO.

1:57 YOU right-handed or left-handed?

1:59 YOU YOU DO BOTH?

2:00 YOU AMBIDEXTROUS?

2:02 THAT'S THAT'S WHY I LIKE SHOTGUNS.

2:03 I'M MORE OF A SHOTGUN SPECIALIST CUZ I NEED both of my hands.

2:05 Cuz my upper body I've been doing push-ups.

2:07 So, I think all my strength is up here.

2:09 That's how I want to get it done.

2:11 It has to be a little heavy.

2:13 OH, YEAH.

2:16 NOW WE'RE TALKING.

2:17 The street sweeper.

2:18 Just like Felucia.

2:19 Just like Felucia.

2:20 My[ __] Denzel, try that.

2:25 Hey, you might want to step back a little bit.

2:26 This thing got a little kick to it.

2:27 Okay?

2:29 FREEZE.

2:30 YOU BETTER STOP BEFORE [screaming] I PUT A HOLE IN YOUR BACK.

2:33 OH, YOU THINK IT'S A GAME?

2:35 OH, IT'S GOING DOWN.

2:37 OH, [groaning][ __] GOT A LITTLE BIT OF KICK TO IT.

2:43 MY STOMACH and my ass.

2:45 Oh, yeah, you ready for the streets.

2:49 [snorts]

2:48 This guy should be banned.

2:55 Hold up.

2:56 No, hold up.

2:57 I thought Omar was 6'4".

3:08 How tall is Omar now?

3:10 Anybody else want to weigh in on how tall they think Omar is?

3:13 No?

3:14 Does anybody else want to test me?

3:16 We weren't expecting to see you.

3:18 But, it's better that we deal with this business personally.

3:21 Course it is.

3:23 I'm sorry you had to see that[ __] Hey,

3:25 and I want to apologize for this because that's not me.

3:27 Okay?

3:28 I don't want y'all thinking it is.

3:29 And this this is stupid, too.

3:30 Okay?

3:31 So, I'm sorry for that.

3:33 Now, I got to take the time to give a special shout-out to Miggs and Santiago.

3:40 Hell yeah.

3:42 Yeah.

3:44 I'm clapping, Anna.

3:45 Am I clapping?

3:50 My double agents.

3:52 You guys brought me the best prize of them all.

3:55 James Payton.

3:57 What you think you're doing?

3:58 Shut your ass up, man.

4:02 You don't have the right to talk.

4:06 I'm going to kill you.

4:09 See, James, for those who don't know,

4:11 James has been chasing my ass day and night for some time now.

4:15 But, he can never catch me.

4:17 You know why?

4:18 Because he's one of those people who thinks he always knows best.

4:22 Doesn't think that people are good enough for certain

4:24 people without even really knowing those other people.

4:27 You with me?

4:29 Guess what day is, big man.

4:31 Today is the day that you die.

4:34 Mhm.

4:35 I'm going to have to put some tarps down

4:36 and[ __] I might finish you off with my gun.

4:39 I might.

4:41 See, I'm going to start you off with the cold steel and my katana blade.

4:44 I'm talking death by a thousand cuts.

4:47 Oh, I'd like to see that.

4:49 Come on, let's give us a little taste of that.

4:54 A little preview, come on.

4:55 Oh, hell yeah.

4:57 [laughter] Okay.

5:04 You ready?

5:05 Here it come.

5:07 I got to cut you.

5:09 What you think I got to do?

5:10 I got to do it.

5:28 Yeah.

5:30 [screaming] That's what YOU GET, PO PO.

5:31 MAYBE STAB HIM A LITTLE more or cut him more.

5:33 I mean, he's still Let me cut your ass up.

5:35 I ain't no show pony.

5:36 This[ __] is over.

5:38 What I'm going to do is I'm going to cut you loose.

5:43 Yeah.

5:44 I'm going to let y'all handle this[ __] while I

5:46 take [music] this piece of[ __] somewhere to mess up.

5:49 Let's go.

5:50 Walk.

5:51 Good thing cuz this was getting ridiculous.

5:57 The hell are you looking at?

5:59 Um nothing, Omar.

6:01 You can call me Omar now?

6:03 Hey, can we just keep it moving?

6:05 I will not run a crew without respect.

6:11 [music] [music] [music] Hey, man, you know where I can get these things?

6:28 Oh, hell no.

6:29 I got the right to You searched me, PO PO.

6:31 YOU BETTER BE LUCKY IT WASN'T ME.

6:34 JAMES, YOU BROKE THE GLASS.

6:37 OH,[ __] COME HERE.

6:42 WHAT YOU DOING?

6:43 HEY.

6:43 HOW STUPID ARE YOU TO HIDE OUT IN THE same place we found you before, Jay?

6:47 Plain sight, classic tactic.

6:49 You better tell me where that Serbian buy is going down,

6:52 boy, or I'm going to give you a classic tactic.

6:54 Ain't telling you nothing.

6:55 Why'd you even come back, Jay?

6:57 Huh?

6:58 This is becoming a family tradition.

7:00 Now, you tell me where that buy is or you're going to jail with a bullet wound.

7:04 You think he's playing with you?

7:05 You think he got time for games?

7:06 This man is crazy.

7:07 If he pull a gun out, that means he's serious.

7:09 Tell him where the buy is going down.

7:10 Where's it going down at?

7:12 __][ __] Oh, no, this is real[ __] You better TELL ME WHERE THAT BUY GOING DOWN.

7:18 TELL US WHERE THE BUY IS.

7:19 YOU HEAR ME?

7:20 TELL US WHERE THE BUY IS.

7:21 FORGET BOTH OF Y'ALL.

7:23 REALLY?

7:23 THAT'S HOW you feel?

7:24 You want TO FEEL THIS?

7:25 YOU WANT TO STAY [music] CRAZY?

7:26 I'LL SHOW YOU CRAZY,[ __] COME ON.

7:31 OH,[ __] HE SHOT ME.

7:36 YEAH, he shot YOUR ASS, DICK.

7:38 RIGHT I SHOT YOUR ASS.

7:39 HE'S GOING to shoot you again.

7:40 YOU WANT ANOTHER ONE?

7:41 CUZ HE'S CRAZY.

7:42 I CAN'T HANDLE THIS.

7:43 I'M CRAZY.

7:44 I can't HANDLE THIS.

7:45 IT'S OUT of my hands.

7:46 You want to see crazy?

7:47 I'LL SHOW YOU CRAZY,[ __] YOU THINK IT'S A GAME?

7:49 TELL US WHERE THE BUY IS.

7:51 YOU BETTER TELL ME WHERE THE BUY IS.

7:52 OKAY.

7:54 OKAY.

7:55 IT'S AT THE OLD FACTORY, the abandoned one off Hoover.

7:58 Okay?

7:58 Old abandoned factory.

7:59 What time?

8:00 9:00.

8:02 If you lying, Jay, I'm going to shoot you another shoulder.

8:04 You hear me?

8:04 Keep him AWAY FROM ME.

8:06 OH, YOU WANT TO You want to get some hot slugs up in you, man?

8:09 Slug fest, homie.

8:11 CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG.

8:14 HEY, MAN, IT'S GOING DOWN now over at that old factory on Hoover.

8:19 __] Okay, I'm on my way.

8:20 Yeah, calling in for some heavy backup, all right?

8:22 All right.

8:24 Where'd you get [music] that gun?

8:25 Took it from the club.

8:27 You know the guy you shot in the ass?

8:29 Come on, man.

8:30 Now.

8:32 Here.

8:32 Hey, mother.

8:34 I thought the safety was on.

8:36 I got him to talk though, didn't I?

8:37 Yeah, you got a very interesting interrogation, boy.

8:40 Nice and screechy.

8:41 Okay.

8:42 It's all his intensity, that's what it is.

8:44 What is going on?

8:45 Haven't we had enough surprises tonight?

8:47 Well, I promise you that this one will be worth it, okay?

8:53 Oh my god.

8:54 What's all this?

8:56 Well, I will tell you what's going on.

8:59 So, listen to this.

9:00 Joe told me today that when he retires, he's leaving all of this to me.

9:06 Baby, that's amazing.

9:07 I mean, it's life-changing.

9:08 [music] Yeah.

9:09 And maybe you could put your touch on this place,

9:11 change design, help take [music] it to the next level.

9:14 I'm so proud of you.

9:15 Yeah.

9:16 Maybe we expand, franchise even.

9:18 Yes.

9:19 Oh, yeah.

9:20 Baby, we we could do a lot with this place.

9:22 First of all, we could change the logo.

9:23 Barbecue Nation, Barbecue Safari.

9:25 I mean, there's so many things we could do.

9:27 Honestly, [music] I have so many ideas.

9:30 [clears throat] I just know that with you by my side, anything is possible.

9:40 Oh my god.

9:49 Yes.

9:50 Yes.

9:51 Yes.

9:57 Wait, the ring.

9:58 Here, let got to put the put the ring on.

9:59 Oh my god.

10:01 I love it.

10:02 Celebrate that.

10:03 Huh?

10:04 You know I had to do this[ __] in pain.

10:06 I said, "Look, Let me pour some champagne for my fiance.

10:11 Fiance?

10:12 I'll make a toast.

10:14 Toast.

10:16 Toast.

10:19 [laughter]

10:23 Baby, Huh?

10:23 do you smell gas?

10:25 [music] I was nervous, babe.

10:26 I didn't know you would smell it.

10:27 I tried to No, that's um [music] actual the propane.

10:31 Why don't you go stand outside?

10:33 I'll situate everything here and I'll get you home.

10:35 Okay.

10:36 Love you.

10:37 Be ready.

10:40 So, guys, my sweet little teddy bear just popped the question.

10:48 And big surprise, I said yes.

10:57 [screaming] OH,[ __] OH,[ __] GOD, BABY.

11:10 TEDDY, are you okay?

11:12 I need you to tell my fiance that there's been an accident.

11:17 It's me.

11:19 Can you see me?

11:20 Baby, I'm your fiance.

11:23 Good.

11:25 I've been in an accident.

11:26 Oh, baby.

11:29 Teddy, the issue is you're clinically dumb.

11:38 I knew it.

11:41 [snorts] I knew it was a mistake.

11:41 I knew it was a mistake.

11:43 Boy, I'm sorry.

11:44 I'm just messing with you.

11:45 Come on, Carrie.

11:46 Look, look.

11:47 My suspicions were right and you, my friend, are dyslexic.

11:51 Okay.

11:53 Okay, so that just means I'm having

11:54 problems with my reading and my writing, right?

11:56 Yep, but you also have dyscalculia.

11:59 Dyscalculia?

11:59 I don't even know how to pronounce that.

12:01 Basically, it's like dyslexia but with math.

12:07 That's what I got?

12:08 I knew it.

12:08 Now that you say it, it makes sense.

12:11 If you take me to a restaurant and say Teddy leave a tip,

12:13 I'm I'm all over the place.

12:15 That's exactly what it is.

12:16 We did it.

12:17 not done.

12:17 You also have a processing disorder.

12:20 I got a touch of prostate cancer.

12:22 She didn't touch my ass one time.

12:24 I said processing disorder.

12:26 Carrie, if you're not going to help me, then we're wasting our time.

12:30 Explain to me what this stuff is.

12:32 If I got a pro- Oh my god.

12:37 I'm not processing it.

12:40 I didn't process none of this[ __] You are just one big,

12:44 beautiful mixed drink of learning disabilities.

12:47 So, I'm not dumb?

12:48 Boy, I was just playing when I said that earlier.

12:50 No good teacher would ever call their students dumb.

12:53 Okay.

12:55 So, how do we fix it?

12:56 Let's talk solution.

12:57 Well, there's no cure for what you have.

12:59 Oh my god.

13:01 I got learning herpes?

13:03 What?

13:04 Oh,[ __] There is no such thing as learning herpes.

13:08 I'm blistering up.

13:10 It's cuz I'm trying to think.

13:11 some nerve, man.

13:13 Teddy, look.

13:16 I came here to apologize.

13:20 I'm on my break.

13:21 I ain't got time for this.

13:22 Teddy, please.

13:23 I don't want to hear nothing you got to say, man.

13:25 Just listen to me.

13:26 I don't have nothing to say to you.

13:27 Well, I have something to say to you, okay?

13:29 Give me 30 seconds, okay?

13:30 30 seconds.

13:31 Go.

13:32 Listen, when when we were in high school, you had everything that I wanted.

13:35 28 seconds left.

13:36 I had grades.

13:37 That's all I had.

13:38 You you had sports, friends, girls.

13:41 I sucked at all that.

13:43 20.

13:43 I was 27 when I grabbed my first boob.

13:46 You're at one, but before I before I walk away, I want to tell you that's sad.

13:49 That's my point.

13:50 care.

13:51 Why are you telling me?

13:51 I was a late bloomer and I was desperate and sad and I blamed you.

13:56 And the other night, when I got my revenge, it felt awful.

14:01 I got into education to make a difference in people's lives, not to ruin them.

14:06 Also, I told Stewart here I'd beat his ass if he didn't come and apologize.

14:12 That is true.

14:12 That was a part part of it, a small part.

14:15 Okay, you know what, guys?

14:16 I appreciate the whole after-school special moment.

14:20 I understand it.

14:21 I am okay.

14:22 I am where I'm supposed to be, all right?

14:24 And this means you're working at a fast food joint next to a strip club?

14:28 Yes.

14:29 All right, if I stand in the right spot in this parking lot,

14:31 I can smell cocoa butter and fried chicken at the same time.

14:35 I don't know about you guys, but that's a win for me.

14:37 Teddy, look listen to me.

14:38 Teddy, listen.

14:39 You know I wasn't going to pass that test.

14:41 Don't sit here and act like it wasn't going to be a different story.

14:44 And don't act like you don't want to be able to finally say that I'm dumb.

14:47 No, you're not.

14:48 You can finally say it, Stew.

14:49 Say it.

14:50 Teddy, you are a lot of things.

14:55 A hustler, a liar, you're very short.

14:59 Mad loud, too.

15:00 Mhm.

15:01 But you are not dumb.

15:04 Now, this suit you got on is dumb as hell.

15:07 I rebuke you.

15:09 Rebuke I rebuke you.

15:11 I'm going to work.

15:11 Now, let me go get my stuff.

15:12 What are you doing?

15:13 Don't touch me.

15:15 You going to take this, Teddy.

15:16 No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO.

15:17 NO, LET'S USE our words.

15:19 All right.

15:19 You don't know what you're doing.

15:20 DOES SHE HAVE A BELT?

15:21 SHE'S GOT A BELT.

15:23 I'M GOING TO TAKE THIS BELT.

15:26 GET HER OFF ME, PLEASE.

15:29 I CAN'T BE A PART OF THIS.

15:33 HEY, THIS SEEMS LIKE A BLACK TIE, SO I'M JUST GOING TO ORDER US SOME FOOD.

15:36 OKAY, now listen TO ME.

15:37 ALL RIGHT, YOU LISTENING TO ME?

15:39 YES.

15:40 NOW, you have worked too hard to be

15:41 running around here in a damn holy chicken suit.

15:45 Okay?

15:45 Yes.

15:46 Now, either you get in the car and you take that test [music]

15:51 or I continue to tenderize your ass.

15:54 Your choice.

16:09 Back up.

16:10 Listen to me.

16:11 Come on.

16:11 I swear to you, when I went to school here, that jump did not seem that high.

16:15 THERE'S NO WAY I CAN MAKE THAT.

16:16 I CAN JUMP LIKE 3 FT.

16:17 My knees and my BACK ARE TOTALLY SHOT FROM MOVING BOXES.

16:20 TEDDY.

16:20 ALL RIGHT.

16:21 WHAT ARE WE GOING to do?

16:22 What are we going to Listen, listen.

16:23 I got it.

16:24 Let's just say it's 16 15 ft.

16:25 Oh god.

16:26 Take that 15 ft [music] minus the 3 ft that you can jump.

16:29 What are you talking about?

16:31 All we got to do is use a Pythagorean theorem.

16:33 Nobody was LISTENING IN CLASS.

16:35 NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO DO THAT.

16:36 NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

16:36 CARRIE SAID Carrie said in order to use the Pythagorean theorem,

16:39 you you have to know the hypotenuse.

16:40 All we got to do is hypotenuse it.

16:43 A squared plus B squared equals C squared and you know

16:45 know two sides and that that'll help you figure out the third.

16:47 So, it's roughly 6 ft across and 15 squared is 225 divided by 6 squared.

16:52 Hypotenuse What did I just say?

16:53 It's 36.

16:55 But you don't divide it.

16:55 You have to add You have to say that um the C squared Wait, no.

16:59 Hypotenuse No, no, you can do this.

17:00 Like 6 squared is I don't know.

17:02 No.

17:02 No, come on.

17:03 YOU GOT THIS.

17:05 [screaming] YOU ALL RIGHT?

17:11 GUYS, IT'S NOT A HARD MATH PROBLEM.

17:14 It's a simple physics problem.

17:15 Just jump.

17:17 Did you did you hypotenuse it?

17:19 Yeah, I hypotenused it.

17:20 Can you just jump?

17:22 Mac, you have next.

17:24 No.

17:24 Yes.

17:24 No.

17:25 Mac, don't you give me that, okay?

17:27 When I think man, I think you.

17:29 I think about how proud little Mac must be.

17:32 I want you to do what you do best and go be great.

17:35 Okay.

17:36 Yeah.

17:37 Get across that roof, Mac.

17:39 Yeah, okay.

17:40 All right.

17:40 All right, YOU GOT THIS.

17:42 MAC, COMING IN.

17:43 STEP BACK.

17:45 [music]

17:44 LET'S GO, MAC.

17:44 Thank you, Teddy.

17:46 Anytime.

17:48 HEART ATTACK.

17:50 HEART ATTACK.

17:55 [screaming] TEDDY.

18:07 OH, WHY DID I LISTEN TO YOU?

18:09 YOU WERE SO CONVINCING.

18:11 SORRY, BUDDY.

18:12 HEY, my arm's kind of tingling.

18:15 I think I might have hurt it.

18:17 Feels weird, man.

18:18 This damn shoulder is in his mouth.

18:25 [screaming] HEY, BIG MAC, MAN, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

18:30 That hot chicken it just kind of got on rewind, man.

18:34 I had to use the back of the front and I just got these pants found.

18:36 [music] Oh god, I'M HAVING THE WORST NIGHT.

18:40 I CAN DO THAT.

18:41 WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

18:41 Last thing.

18:42 Last thing.

18:43 I'm also going to need that extended warranty

18:44 on it for the price of on the house.

18:47 Mhm?

18:49 That I can't do.

18:50 Don't be a negro.

18:51 Be my[ __] All right, help me out.

18:52 Well, but hold on, hold on.

18:53 I ain't nobody's[ __] Well, I mean, you somebody's[ __] wearing this[ __] tie.

18:58 Now, you're being condescending.

19:00 See, you've been warned, all right?

19:02 Let's move forward amicably.

19:03 Okay, well, check this out though.

19:05 First of all, you're throwing too many big words at me, okay?

19:07 Now, because I don't understand them, I'm going to take them as disrespect.

19:10 Watch your mouth and help me with the sale.

19:12 Okay, see?

19:13 See, now you found yourself a[ __] You

19:15 was looking for a[ __][ __] here now, see?

19:18 Today's forecast, dark and cloudy and chance of drive-by.