Landman Season 2’s Funniest Moments 👏

0:01 29 in your ACT.

0:03 That test was hard.

0:05 I was relieved to do so good on it.

0:06 I wouldn't say good.

0:07 I would say acceptable.

0:09 Oh,

0:09 I thought it was good.

0:10 It's fine.

0:14 Top 10% of your class at Alo.

0:16 And that's a big school.

0:18 Graduating from Alto in May.

0:20 Uh, no.

0:20 I'm studying abroad now.

0:23 Europe?

0:24 Midland.

0:26 Ah.

0:26 And what precipitated such a lifealtering move?

0:32 Precipitated?

0:33 Yes.

0:33 Uh, it hasn't rained since I moved there.

0:37 Why did you move there?

0:39 Um, my parents got back together and my father lives there.

0:42 Mhm.

0:43 Oil business?

0:44 Yes, ma'am.

0:45 No interest in tech.

0:46 Well, I was accepted to tech, but I just feel I need a fresh start.

0:54 Seems like you've been given priority

0:56 walk-on status with the cheerleading corps.

1:00 Were you going to cheer for tech?

1:02 Well, I was just going there for my boyfriend who scored a 17 on his ACT.

1:06 So, after junior college for him in Kilgore,

1:08 and my daddy won't let me go east of I35 unless it's a shop in Dallas.

1:12 Not that I would go to junior college for a boy.

1:14 If he was playing at a junior college in the Maldes, I wouldn't go.

1:18 None of that is what I asked you.

1:20 I asked why you weren't cheering for Tech, but you are cheering for TCU.

1:23 TCU doesn't have a policy against cheerleaders dating athletes,

1:27 and that was an issue for you very much.

1:32 Uhhuh.

1:33 [laughter]

1:38 I'm Inspector Hayes with the THHSC.

1:40 [music]

1:42 Our inspection is scheduled for next week.

1:45 We're early.

1:45 What's with the [clears throat] music?

1:47 Aerobics.

1:49 Oh, I don't think we should inter.

2:03 It's an interpretive dance class.

2:13 Who provided the alcohol?

2:21 I ain't saying[ __]

2:23 you know.

2:24 It's It's not like they aren't old enough to drink.

2:26 Ma'am, we will get to you in a minute.

2:28 Sit down over there.

2:29 You can't tell her what to do.

2:30 And we don't work here.

2:31 We're just guests.

2:33 Ma'am, we have authority over the safety of this facility.

2:36 You're what?

2:36 The[ __] old people.

2:38 Police.

2:39 Hey, you go sit down.

2:41 Make me.

2:43 Mom.

2:43 Honey.

2:44 Ma'am.

2:47 Mom.

2:45 Honey.

2:45 When I say sit down, I mean it.

2:50 [groaning]

2:52 Oh my god.

2:55 Oh my god.

2:57 Oh my god.

2:58 Oh[ __]

2:59 Oh, people.

3:00 Police just got their asses kicked.

3:03 Hey, what happened?

3:05 That son of a[ __] tried to grab me and shove me on the couch.

3:08 So you I I need him in his nuts and elbowed him in his fat[ __] head.

3:13 What about the other one?

3:14 Well, she just tripped.

3:16 She didn't see my foot.

3:18 I guess maybe you say it just like that in court.

3:20 Good girl.

3:21 Hey, Walt.

3:22 Do these nursing home inspectors have badges?

3:24 I

3:24 don't know about badges.

3:26 They have the power to arrest and detain.

3:29 They do not.

3:30 All right.

3:30 So, it's just some fat[ __] grabbing my wife.

3:32 Then,

3:33 here's what I want you to do.

3:34 I want you to uncuff them right now

3:36 and let them go.

3:37 Unless you want my new counsel to be your newest hemorrhoid.

3:40 So, do What are you standing there for?

3:42 Just[ __] uncuff them, bud.

3:43 Don't yell at me.

3:44 I just got here.

3:46 You think that's yelling?

3:47 That's not yelling.

3:48 This is yelling.

3:49 Uncuffed.

3:50 My[ __] wife and my[ __] daughter.

3:52 Let them go right now.

3:53 Do you understand me?

3:55 Told you I'll

3:56 All right, Corey.

4:00 Supper's going to be a little late tonight, baby.

4:02 I'm sorry.

4:04 That's okay, baby.

4:05 All right.

4:05 I'll see you later.

4:08 I love you, daddy.

4:09 Yeah, I love you, too.

4:09 Bye.

4:10 You going to believe this[ __] Hi.

4:17 You mind?

4:18 Oh, yeah.

4:19 Well, wouldn't matter much if I did.

4:20 It's my my plane.

4:22 Hey, have a seat.

4:23 [clears throat]

4:25 It's pretty windy, so if you want to drink, get it now.

4:27 Once we're in the air,

4:28 we're going to need everyone remain seated with their seat belts on.

4:31 Getting prepared.

4:32 Um, define pretty windy.

4:34 Gust up to 70.

4:40 Great.

4:40 nervous flyer.

4:42 I have control issues that can manifest in certain circumstances.

4:50 Flying is one of them.

4:55 [snorts and sighs] What the[ __] Oh my god.

5:06 [screaming] Oh my god.

5:14 Oh my god.

5:19 I'm sorry.

5:22 [screaming] He's gone.

5:24 Please.

5:25 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

5:26 Look at me.

5:27 Look at me.

5:28 This is not how we die.

5:29 All right.

5:29 Okay.

5:30 Now, I need you to grab my knee and squeeze the hell out of there.

5:32 All right.

5:33 Your hand is fine.

5:34 No, no, no.

5:34 I need you to grab my knee because I'm pretty sure you broke my hand.

5:37 I'm sorry.

5:38 All right, there you go.

5:40 [screaming] There we go.

5:55 [laughter] [sighs] [panting] Everybody okay back here?

6:09 Yeah.

6:10 Okay.

6:11 Okay.

6:12 Should be smooth until our descent.

6:14 Until our descent.

6:21 So, how about that drink?

6:25 Please.

6:25 Great.

6:28 [sighs] Heat.

6:32 Heat.

6:38 [music] I'm going [music][ __][ __] hell.

6:52 What the[ __] was that?

6:54 [music][ __] [music] [music] Chicken fried steaks.

7:21 I have two chicken Caesar [music] salads.

7:23 No dressing, no cheese, and no croutons.

7:27 Me.

7:27 You don't say.

7:28 Right here with the other.

7:29 You realize that's just lettuce and chicken.

7:31 I do.

7:32 Cancer.

7:35 Vanity.

7:36 I'll pray for you.

7:37 Thank you.

7:38 Morning, baby.

7:39 Hey, but god damn, you look like a Mexican wrestler.

7:42 Morning, Daddy.

7:44 Hey, sweetie.

7:46 Are y'all having a little spa day or something?

7:48 I want a glow for my birthday party with the old folks.

7:51 Your birthday's in February, baby.

7:53 They don't know that.

7:54 They need little things to look forward to and playing.

7:57 You know, like little projects, little chores.

7:59 Oh,

8:00 so cute.

8:00 Daddy, they've been working so hard decorating the party room.

8:05 No, but we're not supposed to know.

8:06 Big surprise.

8:07 This nursing home sounds like a really nice place.

8:09 Could be somewhere your father might like.

8:13 Family stays at home tonight.

8:15 In fact, we're going to throw a welcome dinner for your dad tonight.

8:19 Oh, good.

8:20 What's the theme tonight?

8:21 Hun.

8:22 Hold that thought.

8:26 The honey.

8:27 If you were on death row and today was the day of your execution,

8:30 what would your last meal be?

8:32 What the[ __] kind of question is that?

8:34 I'm just trying to get to the bottom of your favorite meal.

8:37 If I ask what's your favorite, you're going to haul about it.

8:40 Maybe [music] it's steak, but I sure love pizza.

8:43 Maybe it's fajitas.

8:45 But when I cut it down to you get one meal and then you're getting electrocuted,

8:49 people get real decisive.

8:53 Best food I ever had in my life was at the marina and sabine pass.

8:57 So seafood, barbecued blue crab, crawfish boil, crabs, fried catfish, oysters.

9:06 A man who knows what he wants.

9:08 I like that.

9:12 The theme tonight is pirates.

9:17 Isn't that cute, honey?

9:19 I swear one of these days a little demon's going to run

9:22 out in[ __] bushes and[ __] me right here on this porch.

9:25 Right on this goddamn porch while that song's playing.

9:36 What the[ __] Yo ho.

9:55 [laughter]

9:57 Just put on there.

9:58 There ain't no getting out of this, Tommy.

10:00 Oh, I know.

10:01 The sidewalk prepared me.

10:02 How you doing, Shel?

10:05 Hey.

10:05 So much for the illusion of your miserable life, son.

10:09 Oh, there's misery pop.

10:11 This is the Broadway [music] misery musical of my life.

10:14 Welcome to it.

10:15 And where would you like Theo?

10:16 Put him on the deck.

10:18 Oh my god.

10:19 You got to be[ __] me.

10:21 The lawyer is dressed up like a pirate.

10:26 Ar there, good sir.

10:28 Take your seat to the plank with you.

10:31 You outdid yourself this time.

10:37 [music]

10:37 Is that a real[ __] sword?

10:39 That's a real[ __] sword.

10:42 Damn

10:43 it.

10:43 Captain Tommy, have a beer.

10:47 You think I signed up for this?

10:50 I hooked the wiener.

10:59 [music] Morning, baby.

11:06 Morning, sweetheart.

11:08 Honey,

11:09 could could you please put all your clothes on before you come downstairs?

11:14 Oh, it bothers you to see my body.

11:16 No.

11:16 Hell no.

11:17 It don't bother me.

11:18 But there's other people around here.

11:22 __]

11:21 Does this bother you, Thomas?

11:23 Hm.

11:26 Ain't bothering me.

11:29 Mm-m.

11:28 Morning, buddy.

11:30 Hey, Deo.

11:33 Hey.

11:31 Does this outfit bother you?

11:35 Uh, this feels like a trick question.

11:41 I'm going get my coffee on the road.

11:45 Uh, you know what?

11:46 I give up.

11:47 I love you both, and there's nothing I can do about that.

11:50 I[ __] surrender.

11:52 I don't know.

11:52 Will you be home for supper?

11:53 Uh, it depends on what the theme is.

11:56 Well, since we already did seafood.

11:58 I mean, I'm thinking Mexican.

12:00 Oh, fun.

12:01 Can't imagine all the ways that will be offensive.

12:05 In no way will it be offensive, Neil.

12:08 It will be festive and fun.

12:10 She does this on purpose.

12:12 You know that, right?

12:13 I have detected the pattern.

12:15 If you say something nice, I will use your real name.

12:18 But if you act like a Neil, I will call you Neil.

12:23 All right, I'm out.

12:25 Love you, girl.

12:26 Love you, baby.

12:27 Love you, Thomas.

12:34 There you go, baby.

12:35 I polished it.

12:36 Oh my gosh, you stink.

12:38 Thanks, Mom.

12:39 She's going to be so happy.

12:41 I didn't know there was a breakfast sausage cologne.

12:43 Anley, just a little deodorant could go a long way, honey.

12:47 And a shower.

12:50 Aninssley.

12:48 And a be nice.

12:50 It's a big day for him and his little familia.

12:53 We got to start planning.

12:55 We got to pick a church.

12:56 We need a location for the reception.

12:58 Have you thought about choosing your best man?

13:00 Well, first he needs to make a friend.

13:01 Maybe I should ask first before we start planning.

13:04 Yeah, she could still come to her since it's same though.

13:06 Besides, it's the bride's family that plans the wedding, not the grooms.

13:09 Groom's family plans the rehearsal dinner,

13:10 and that's her last real chance to leave you.

13:13 Oh my god.

13:14 Mom, that's enough.

13:15 We're out the twist.

13:16 Okay.

13:17 Okay.

13:17 I'm sorry.

13:19 Sorry.

13:21 Like when a bull sees red, it can't help but attack.

13:23 That's what his stink does to me.

13:25 You know, I'm I'm sure you got every inch of your wedding planned.

13:27 Of course I do.

13:28 Wedding's going to be at St.

13:29 Andrews in downtown Fort Worth, the reception at the barn at Circle T Ranch.

13:33 You and Daddy need to start making friends with Ross Pro Jr.

13:35 cuz it is it's real expensive.

13:38 And then we're going to hunt in Santa.

13:45 Wonder why I hate him.

13:46 What?

13:48 [music] [music]

14:00 Can I help you?

14:01 You're not, Tio.

14:03 I am not.

14:04 He has more hair.

14:07 Correct.

14:07 Is he here?

14:08 Can I ask what this is referring?

14:10 I'm his physical therapist.

14:13 Right.

14:14 Good night.

14:16 Yes.

14:17 Listen, go with me on this physical therapist.

14:19 Don't ask too many questions, okay?

14:28 Down the hall, past the kitchen on the left.

14:35 Oh, y'all got a pool here?

14:37 Yes, correct.

14:38 But it's not for public use.

14:39 Ju just ours.

14:43 I I'll explain it to you later when I can talk.

14:45 Okay.

14:46 I don't want to know.

14:50 No, you're not to you.

14:53 I can't be.

14:54 I could be.

14:57 What?

15:04 Dia,

15:04 who are you?

15:06 I'm your physical therapist.

15:08 On what[ __] planet are you my physical therapist?

15:12 On this one right now today.

15:14 Hey, I saw you got a pool.

15:16 Ever done aqua therapy?

15:19 What's up?

15:19 Just watched a video on it.

15:22 You lay back.

15:23 I'll cradle you in my arms, sway you back and forth.

15:27 You just kind of float.

15:29 Releases the pressure in your joints, your back.

15:36 What do you say?

15:37 Just to be clear,

15:40 you're asking if I'd like to be held

15:41 in the water by you while you sway back and forth.

15:47 That's what I'm asking.

15:49 I ain't got a bathing suit.

15:51 Undies is fine.

15:52 That's what I'll be wearing.

15:58 I uh I My back the disc uh slipped.

16:03 Ma'am.

16:03 Oh, no.

16:05 I didn't get your name.

16:11 [sighs] Get your own therapist, pal.

16:13 All right.

16:14 You ready, honey?

16:14 We're going to drive to Fort Worth.

16:17 We need the time to talk.

16:20 Our baby is a woman now.

16:22 Yeah.

16:22 Yeah, I know.

16:22 Honey, I I don't have time for all that today.

16:24 Okay.

16:25 I'll see y'all at the FBO.

16:26 All right.

16:26 All right.

16:30 Hey, baby.

16:33 Hi.

16:33 Have fun at your little camp.

16:34 I will.

16:35 Okay.

16:35 Use good judgment in regards to what?

16:37 Well, if you and your little blonde,

16:39 bouncy cheerleader friends are out on the town having fun,

16:42 contemplating a fifth margarita, just use good judgment, that's all.

16:45 Okay, but I typically don't drink margaritas.

16:48 There's too much sugar in the mix.

16:49 I feel better already.

16:51 Okay.

16:51 Well, bye.

16:52 I'll just suffer this milestone all alone while

16:55 you go play with your little oil tankers.

16:58 Okay.

16:59 And I don't give a[ __] about sugar in my margarita.

17:02 It's going to be okay.

17:03 Don't worry so [music] much.

17:05 Love you.

17:07 Don't walk out on me, you[ __][ __]

17:12 I feel like I'm forgetting.

17:15 I swear to God, you don't leave this house.

17:17 You just[ __] escape it.

17:19 I'm pagan.

17:20 I'm uh angry.

17:21 Pagan.

17:24 Pagan.

17:24 Like the godless religion.

17:25 Um it's actually Latin means country dweller.

17:30 Are you from the country?

17:32 I am from Minneapolis.

17:35 Is Peagan Viking?

17:37 You know, cuz the football team.

17:43 Uh, it's still Latin like I said 7 seconds ago.

17:48 Is that a pet, Brad?

17:50 It's a ferret.

17:52 What's a ferret from the Weasel family?

17:55 What's a weasel?

17:59 Uh, basically a a big fret.

18:02 You can say hi.

18:07 Hi.

18:05 Just getting used to your smell.

18:13 Would you be opposed to a room freshener?

18:15 A toxic airborne prochemical that I breathe into my lungs.

18:24 Well, I got my dorm assignment today and I met my roommate.

18:27 And you know, I don't feel like we're a match.

18:31 Let's see.

18:33 Uh, Pagan Meester, sophomore majoring in sports medicine.

18:38 Would seem like it's a good fit as you are a cheerleader and that is a sport.

18:42 Sort of.

18:42 Yeah.

18:42 It's just more of a personality thing.

18:44 How so?

18:46 Well, for example, she wants our room to be a safe space.

18:50 And you oppose your dorm room being a place where a student feels safe?

18:53 No.

18:53 No.

18:54 But well, but she's deciding what is safe,

18:58 which for her is like no music, no talking, only vegan snacks in the room.

19:02 Like, well, let's just have a diet that's only carbs.

19:06 And she has a ferret.

19:08 Can we even have pets in the dorm room?

19:09 A ferret?

19:10 I didn't know what it was either, but you know those sausage dogs?

19:14 A dachshund?

19:15 Yeah.

19:15 It's like the hamster version of that.

19:17 And it kind of smells like a hamster, but worse.

19:20 Amy, one of the many benefits of university housing is the opportunity

19:24 to learn how to both express yourself

19:27 while accommodating those who express themselves differently.

19:31 Yeah.

19:31 I don't get the sense that she wants me to express myself at all.

19:34 How so?

19:35 They're telling me what to call them and they're telling me

19:40 no music and all the things that they need to feel comfortable,

19:44 but they're not asking what I need to feel comfortable.

19:47 Did you inform them of what you need to feel comfortable?

19:52 They didn't give me a chance to.

19:53 Then it sounds like you and your roommate have a lot to discuss.

19:57 I'm not here to referee issues between you and your roommate.

20:00 That's your job now.

20:02 Assert yourself.

20:04 Start acting like the adult your driver's license says you are.

20:08 Come call my mom.

20:10 Or ignore my advice and act like you're 11.

20:17 Jamie, someday it'll happen to you.

20:21 You'll pump all your love into a child.

20:25 I want to watch him outrow you and Oh, that's nice.

20:29 Kavali summer collection,

20:38 baby.

20:38 Mama, what do I She's mean and scary and she hates music.

20:48 Can you switch?

20:49 I asked the admissions counselor.

20:52 She said no.

20:55 She said to act like an adult.

20:57 She said what?

20:58 She said act like an adult.

21:00 Like it says on my driver's license, which doesn't say anywhere.

21:05 Well, don't unpack.

21:06 I'm on my way.

21:07 Okay, baby.

21:08 Okay.

21:10 Thank you.

21:11 Okay.

21:11 I love you.

21:14 Is there something you forgot to tell me about?

21:17 Nothing comes to mind.

21:18 How about a 5'3 blonde with an ass like a bread basket?

21:21 Oh, yeah.

21:22 She spent the night a battery died in her car

21:25 and we need jumper cables and a truck to jump it with.

21:29 I got both.

21:32 All right.

21:34 What else did she do?

21:37 Number one, it's none of your[ __] business.

21:43 And number two, number two is none of your business either.

21:50 Are you[ __] with me?

21:52 Her car battery died.

21:53 Tommy, we slept.

21:55 That's all we did.

22:00 I don't know why it didn't start.

22:01 [music] Car is brand new.

22:03 Got cell phone booster in it.

22:04 Mhm.

22:05 Yeah, that's probably it.

22:07 They probably didn't wire it through the ignition and so

22:10 it just keeps running even when the car ran.

22:12 Hey Dale.

22:15 Yeah.

22:14 Hey, stand down on Cooper's Field.

22:17 Stand down.

22:18 Yeah.

22:18 Don't drill.

22:19 Don't build a pad.

22:20 Don't do anything.

22:20 Don't do anything.

22:21 Got it.

22:21 Yes, sir.

22:22 All right.

22:22 Okay.

22:23 Hey, hun.

22:23 You might want to put some bridges on.

22:25 You're driving half the neighborhood crazy and you're

22:27 getting the other half in a shitload of trouble.

22:30 __] them.

22:30 She don't want him staring.

22:31 She should give him something to stare at.

22:33 [laughter]

22:33 Good lord.

22:34 I'll tell you what, bud.

22:35 Whoever catches that one's going to have a hell of a time holding on.

22:38 Sure[ __] hope it ain't my 82y old father.

22:41 [laughter]

22:43 Yeah, good luck with that.

22:44 Yeah,

22:44 I'll see you, bud.

22:45 You got it.

22:45 [music] Okay, let's get this sucker running.

22:48 I'm going to show you how to burn out in a T.

22:50 Hey, what is that?

22:53 Cyborg.

22:53 Hey, what are you?

22:54 Are you a cheerleader?

22:56 No, she's on the football team.

22:57 [laughter]

22:58 No, she's a hobbler.

23:00 Hey, are you a linebacker?

23:01 What's going on?

23:02 I wish cheerleaders are girlfriend.

23:03 Hey, how about y'all shut up?

23:05 Hey, why don't you make us Hey, you Oh my god, you're hot.

23:13 You think that's cool?

23:15 Insulting our teammate, insulting us?

23:19 What?

23:19 You guys big grownup boys now?

23:21 All cool on your dumb little backs.

23:23 Cool enough to handle you.

23:24 You think so?

23:26 Okay, prove it.

23:27 Whoop it out.

23:29 Let's see it.

23:32 I bet mine's bigger.

23:34 You're rude little boys.

23:36 Girls like us don't date boys like you.

23:38 So gawk away.

23:39 This is the closest you're ever going to get.

23:42 Bye.

23:44 Have a shitty life.