A Dictionary of Love

0:02 In our worst moments in couples,

0:04 we tend to assume that our problems are unfixable,

0:07 that we simply don't get on, that we're the wrong sort of people to be together.

0:11 What we tend not to do is imagine that we have a problem of dictionaries,

0:16 that our fundamental problem is that our partner and ourselves are,

0:20 beneath the surface, following dictionary definitions that don't align.

0:26 We're squabbling because we don't understand what

0:29 the same things mean for each one of us.

0:32 Because we're using the same words and terms without realizing

0:36 that each of us has an entirely different understanding of their natures.

0:42 We imagine, as we try to live with someone else,

0:44 that there isn't a gap in the way that we both define concepts like,

0:47 for example, delays in answering a message or leaving

0:51 the bathroom messy or spending time with friends.

0:55 It simply doesn't occur to us, who've been wielding certain phrases

0:59 and concepts one way since early adolescence,

1:02 that we might have encountered someone who sees them very differently.

1:07 It appears self-evident to us that a messy bathroom

1:10 means a bathroom whose owner has shown us no respect,

1:14 who's vicious, unkind, uncaring and out to harm us.

1:19 It's totally natural,

1:20 as natural as our understanding of the word chair or glass,

1:24 that spending time with friends means a chance to rejuvenate,

1:28 to take the pressure off a couple and achieve

1:30 some distance before returning to coziness once more.

1:35 What we're forgetting in all this is

1:37 the noble and arcane discipline of etymology.

1:41 That is, the history and genealogy of language.

1:45 It's the people we call etymologists who will

1:48 carefully trace where a given word comes from.

1:52 They will tell us, for example,

1:53 that window comes from the Old Norse word vindauga, meaning wind eye,

1:59 or that clue comes from the Greek clothos meaning ball of thread

2:03 after that thread that Ariadne gave Theseus to escape the labyrinth.

2:07 Standard etymology is all very well,

2:09 but what we need as much if not more of is a form of emotional etymology.

2:15 That is an effort to trace back words

2:18 and terms to their sources in the lives of lovers.

2:22 Couples need to see that they're fighting very often simply

2:25 because they are using the same terms in different ways.

2:30 A habit of leaving a bathroom in a mess may not, in fact,

2:33 in one's own dictionary stem from any kind of desire to harm.

2:37 Maybe it just emerged from a wish to escape a punishing parental figure who,

2:41 while emotionally very cold,

2:43 placed undue and unwelcome emphasis on etiquette and order.

2:48 Just as in a neighboring dictionary,

2:50 the very same phrase might stand for shallowness and selfishness

2:53 for imitating the behavior of a despised step parent.

2:57 It might be an emblem of disdain and cruelty.

3:00 All this points to what we should do in our arguments.

3:03 Before we imagine what our partner means,

3:05 before we settle on an explanation that involves insult and a desire to harm,

3:10 we should always take care to remember dictionaries.

3:14 We should pause our fights to wonder if our partner isn't simply mad or evil.

3:19 They may just have a different dictionary definition in mind.

3:23 We need to do one another the favor of some dictionary work.

3:27 We should ask one another what a term means and then

3:30 analyze how it came to have this meaning for them.

3:33 We may not be beyond comprehension at all.

3:37 We may not need to split up.

3:39 We just need to understand what is in our respective dictionaries and why.