Getting Out of Your Own Way | Coaching with Joe

0:00 Okay.

0:00 So, basically what I'm trying to figure out is

0:04 how I get myself [music] out of my own way.

0:09 I just keep like going back to that and then it's like,

0:12 okay, I recognize that's the problem.

0:14 And then like we resort to distraction to avoid

0:19 like actually getting our hands dirty in the[ __] problem.

0:24 Um, it's very abstract.

0:26 It's too abstract for me.

0:28 Tell me like what's the what's the You're getting in your own way.

0:32 How um I go to what I know how to do instead of doing

0:39 what I want to do because what I want to do feels like Yeah.

0:45 And what is it that you want to do?

0:48 Um I want to like become my own business owner.

0:53 like I have something that I've started.

0:57 Um, but I recognize like even through watching some of your videos,

1:01 I'm having a hard time stepping into the identity

1:05 of somebody who can provide for herself in in that way.

1:13 Okay.

1:13 So you've got what I noticed is that your brain

1:15 has a lot of stories as to why it's true.

1:18 But I want to like reject all those stories for just a second and and Okay.

1:25 So you want to start your own business,

1:27 you do some things to start your own business and then

1:29 you get distracted and then you go to what's comfortable.

1:33 Is that generally what's going on?

1:36 Yes.

1:36 And so the question seems to be like how do I start my own business?

1:42 sort of.

1:43 Yeah.

1:43 Okay, great.

1:44 What's wrong with the question, how do I start my own business?

1:46 What makes it more complicated than that?

1:49 I don't know.

1:49 I think it just it sounds too simple

1:53 cuz we're forgetting about the like part about I get in my own way,

1:57 but maybe that's just a story I continue to tell myself.

2:01 Isn't Isn't Is is the story that you're telling yourself part

2:04 of the way you get in your way and distract yourself?

2:07 Look at this big ass thing I have to solve before I can start my own business.

2:12 Yeah.

2:14 Yeah.

2:15 It's constantly okay,

2:16 what can I work to solve that I already know how to do instead of

2:24 right facing this other problem that I don't know how to tackle.

2:27 Right?

2:28 So even like the psychological what's wrong with me what I'm distracting

2:33 myself d all that is also a way to not start your business.

2:40 Yes.

2:39 Okay.

2:40 So yeah, and also it sounds like one of the things

2:43 you do is you make things complicated as a way to

2:47 distract yourself

2:49 or like keep myself from getting to the finish line.

2:52 Yeah.

2:53 Yeah.

2:54 So So if if if you just started doing your business today,

3:01 right now, what would stop you?

3:04 So um today I should be doing my business.

3:08 There's a good thing that will stop you right there.

3:12 Saying I should Uh-huh.

3:15 Okay.

3:17 Yeah.

3:18 Well,

3:18 so let's just let's just run the experiment.

3:20 You should do what?

3:23 I should go stock my shelf.

3:26 Okay, cool.

3:27 Now say I want to go stock my shelf.

3:32 I want to go stock my shelf.

3:34 Yeah.

3:34 Which feels better?

3:37 like I want to.

3:39 Yeah.

3:39 So, yeah, that's why I'm saying the should is usually a good way to stop things.

3:42 Should is if a shame shame is a way that you stop behavior, right?

3:46 I shame you to get you to stop.

3:48 Should is shame.

3:49 Shame stops behavior typically.

3:53 Okay.

3:54 So, we remove shame from the equation.

3:57 But now you have another thing to do

3:58 that'll distract you from actually doing the business.

4:01 Now, now, now you'll like come to me in two weeks.

4:03 You'll be like, "How do I get rid of my shame so I can start my business?

4:07 I I see you coming.

4:10 [laughter]

4:16 Right.

4:15 Like, get away.

4:19 Yeah.

4:19 What is that?

4:20 Let's hear that.

4:21 Get away.

4:23 Come on.

4:23 Like, let all of that out.

4:24 Say that.

4:25 All of that.

4:26 You can[ __] right off.

4:27 Leave me alone.

4:29 I'm over here doing my thing.

4:31 Yeah.

4:32 And you don't need any more attention.

4:37 Yeah.

4:39 Yeah.

4:39 Go have your own pity party over there.

4:44 Yeah.

4:44 So, you're it's stocking shelves.

4:46 You know how to stock shelves?

4:48 Yeah.

4:48 That's pretty simple.

4:50 Yeah.

4:50 What's the thing you don't know how to do apparently?

4:52 I think the problem is is like I've start

4:55 like even I've made my business model this roundabout workaround

5:00 way because you wouldn't think that um having a shelf

5:03 of things would get you to becoming an interior decorator.

5:08 Um but that's where we're going with it.

5:12 Oh yeah.

5:12 Okay.

5:16 Yeah.

5:15 Yeah.

5:15 Right.

5:16 So you're even right.

5:17 So, [laughter]

5:20 so you even business that you aren't doing that's easy to do,

5:24 you're doing so that you can get somewhere else instead

5:26 of actually going to the place you want to go.

5:30 Yeah.

5:31 Yeah.

5:32 Yeah.

5:33 Okay.

5:33 So, how hard would it be right now to be like,

5:35 I will interior decorate your home for free?

5:39 Um, well, it would just be about finding the right

5:41 person for that or some finding someone for that.

5:47 That's what I'm saying.

5:48 Like, you literally just send out an email to all your friends,

5:51 put it on Facebook, put it on Instagram, put it on whatever and say,

5:55 "I will interior decorate your house for free." Like, okay,

6:02 that just opened an idea cuz it doesn't even have to be like a permanent thing.

6:06 Like, cuz in my head I'm thinking, oh,

6:09 who's going to want to invest that kind of money if

6:11 I don't have like something to point to as a reference?

6:14 But it could just be, "Let me play around with your living room for a bit."

6:20 Yeah.

6:20 See if you like it.

6:23 Yeah.

6:27 And no project too big, too small.

6:29 Happy to do it for free.

6:30 I need to get my book up.

6:33 All I require, all I require is that I get to take pictures afterwards.

6:39 Just offer free work.

6:41 Yeah.

6:42 You want to be an interior decorator?

6:43 that would be a way that you get to start interior decorating.

6:50 It's just funny you say that cuz I was having this conversation

6:53 with someone else and they said how I started it was just offering

6:57 free services and then I use that as a point of reference

7:00 and it's like a fake it till you make it kind of thing.

7:05 All I'm doing is just getting to the thing that you want to do.

7:07 Just go do the thing you want to do.

7:10 Stop asking permission.

7:11 But why does that feel like so hard?

7:14 It feels like

7:15 Now we're at the real thing.

7:16 Now we're at the real thing.

7:18 [sighs and gasps]

7:19 Yeah.

7:19 Why does feeling good feel hard?

7:21 I don't know.

7:22 Tell me.

7:29 Like I'm holding my breath.

7:31 I don't [gasps] Yeah.

7:37 Great.

7:37 So feel the anxiety you have for not doing for not starting your business.

7:43 Feel that anxiety.

7:44 Tell me when you've got it.

7:53 Okay,

7:52 great.

7:52 Now breathe really deeply into it and just enjoy

7:55 the[ __] out of that anxiety for a minute.

8:01 Okay, I'm getting like a throat block.

8:03 Like sadness is coming out.

8:05 Like I'm just trying Okay, sadness is fine.

8:14 What are you trying to control here?

8:20 You're doing all this stuff to avoid anxiety,

8:22 but the anxiety is actually the thing you want.

8:33 I just feel like the thing with the business,

8:35 it's it's exemplary of so many other areas of my life.

8:43 It's the same[ __] story for everything.

8:45 So, you are now complicating doing your business.

8:51 Yeah.

8:51 Cuz now it's okay if I can't get to my business.

8:54 Oh, what's what can I get to go back to the anxiety, okay,

9:00 that you feel around starting your business.

9:04 And your job isn't to breathe it away.

9:06 Your job is to breathe into it and enjoy it.

9:10 Okay, that's very counterintuitive, but I'm going to try here.

9:13 Yeah.

9:13 And every time you do, you start smiling immediately.

9:17 You immediately started smiling.

9:19 Then you like do this thing, and then you're like,

9:21 "Wait, now I'm sad." And then you do this thing.

9:22 and you're like, "No, but I got all these other problems." But if you just

9:27 sit with the anxiety and breathe into it and enjoy it,

9:31 it's actually turns into something.

9:32 Watch.

9:33 Watch it.

9:33 Do it again.

9:36 Okay?

9:36 And you're breathing into it to enjoy it.

9:38 You're not breathing into it to get rid of it.

9:48 My chest is feeling warm.

9:50 Yeah.

9:51 Great.

9:54 Okay.

9:55 I felt it go away and then I I was able to go back to it again.

9:59 Yeah.

10:00 What is that feeling?

10:01 What is excitement?

10:02 I mean, sorry.

10:03 What is anxiety when you breathe into it?

10:04 What's the feel?

10:05 Yeah.

10:06 You answered it.

10:07 Yeah.

10:07 Sorry.

10:09 Yeah.

10:09 No, it's okay.

10:09 I I was saying it.

10:11 I was waiting to say it.

10:12 That's what you're doing.

10:13 You're avoiding your excitement.

10:17 Yeah.

10:18 I think because I can already see a future where

10:21 it doesn't lead to anywhere and it turns into disappointment.

10:26 Right.

10:26 You even did it.

10:27 You told me this right at the very beginning of the call.

10:29 The very very beginning of the call.

10:30 You're like, I have to settle my heart down.

10:32 I have to stop being excited.

10:37 Yeah.

10:40 You you want to start your business.

10:41 You want to undo this entire pattern.

10:43 Allow your excitement.

10:47 It's all built to contain your excitement,

10:50 your natural what's obviously like born excitement

10:55 that somebody told you settle down too many times,

10:58 but like you've you're just like this is this you've got this excitement.

11:02 It's going to get you clients.

11:03 It's going to like build your business.

11:05 It's going to make people want to work with you.

11:08 I see that when I'm able to just be in that excitement.

11:11 I'm like a magnet for opportunities and stuff and then I'm like,

11:15 "Oh, this thing is so good." Like,

11:17 I feel like it's going to go away and then I don't let

11:20 myself feel the excitement and then it goes away and it just affirms.

11:24 It's going to go away no matter what.

11:27 Everything goes away.

11:30 Yeah.

11:30 It's not about whether you feel excitement or not.

11:32 It just[ __] goes away.

11:34 Everything ends.

11:38 Yeah.

11:38 Yeah.

11:38 I'm not gonna love I'm not going to love you because you're going to go away.

11:43 I'm not going to love my kids because they're going to go away.

11:49 I'm not going to I'm not going to coach

11:51 people because they're all going to go away.

11:55 No, that doesn't make sense.

11:57 Doesn't[ __] make any goddamn sense.

12:06 And that disappointment.

12:08 I wonder what it's going to be like when you

12:09 breathe into that too when you learn to enjoy that.

12:14 Maybe it's also not what you think it is.

12:24 Go to not go to the disappointment.

12:27 Go to the place where you get disappointed because the thing goes away.

12:30 Go to a memory where it happened.

12:32 Feel the disappointment and breathe into it.

12:38 Yeah, you got that quick.

12:39 That's You've got great body intelligence.

12:41 Breathe into it and enjoy that disappointment and tell me what happens.

12:47 Enjoy the disappointment.

12:48 Okay, let's get past Let's get past the throat block.

12:51 Okay.

12:51 Yeah.

12:51 Take a minute.

12:54 Okay.

13:03 Yeah, it doesn't require that much focus.

13:05 It's just like be with the disappointment and breathe and enjoy.

13:09 It feels like I went to acceptance and then

13:11 I went to dropping it off like a weight.

13:15 Cool.

13:16 Look at that.

13:21 [laughter] Fear is like a[ __][ __] That thing [laughter] needs to

13:29 Oh, it's lovely.

13:30 It's lovely.

13:31 Look what it just did for you.

13:33 It pointed to you where you were excited.

13:38 It showed you how you were abandoning yourself.

13:42 That anxiety tells you exactly that you're avoiding things,

13:44 that you're abandoning yourself.

13:46 It tells you exactly where to go.

13:48 It's like it's the best road sign.

13:50 It's a teacher.

13:53 As is your deploy, as is your disappointment.

14:00 Thank you.

14:01 Yeah, I just need to put practice to um or knowledge to practice.

14:07 Stop distracting yourself.

14:11 Yeah.

14:10 No, you just go put out ads and tell all your friends you'll go decorate.

14:14 That's all you got to do.

14:15 I get to go stock my shelf and I get to pick somebody to decorate their house.

14:20 Let's go.

14:23 Thank you.

14:23 My pleasure.

14:24 Thanks for watching this video and if you got

14:26 something out of it and you're interested in learning more,

14:28 there's really two ways of doing the work.

14:30 The first is to do the work yourself, which is really powerful.

14:33 I've done a ton of it.

14:34 But there's also doing the work with a group of people.

14:37 And that's also incredibly powerful because the stuff that got hurt

14:41 and injured in us in groups [music] is often best healed in groups.

14:46 And that's why we offer the connection course.

14:48 And if you're interested, just click on the link below.