The Ones with Chandler from Season 9 | Friends

0:00 Let me see what you wrote about yourself.

0:03 Dr.

0:03 Paleontology two kids.

0:06 Wait a second, you split with Carol because you had different interests?

0:09 I think you split with Carol because you had one very similar interest.

0:15 You know what?

0:16 I'm going to finish this later, okay?

0:17 Let me just grab my coat.

0:18 Okay.

0:23 [laughter]

0:23 What?

0:23 Did you think you learned how to do it in the last 2 minutes?

0:30 Maybe we finish this for him.

0:38 Also, I cloned a dinosaur in my lab.

0:42 She is now my girlfriend.

0:47 [laughter]

0:46 I don't care what society says.

0:48 It's the best sex I've ever had.

0:52 And send.

0:54 No, no, what would you You can't do that to him.

0:56 All right, let's go.

0:58 Dude, uh I think you need to be clear

1:00 you can't be trusted with the ball inside the house.

1:09 [laughter]

1:10 And send.

1:13 [laughter] Oh my god, can you believe we're surrounded by all this?

1:16 I can barely control myself.

1:18 Monica, you might want to remember that you're married.

1:21 Where is Chandler anyway?

1:23 Oh my god, Chandler.

1:28 [laughter] Where the hell is everybody?

1:36 Why don't YOU LIKE ME?

1:40 [laughter]

1:43 CHAPTER 1, my first period.

1:49 [laughter] [applause] Well, I bet you're all thinking that now would

1:52 be a really great time for an intermission, huh?

1:55 Oh, [snorts] yes, God, yes.

1:58 [laughter] Well, you're not going to get one.

2:00 Cuz in life there are no intermissions, people.

2:05 Now chapter 7, DIVORCE IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD.

2:10 HOW COULD HE LEAVE ME?

2:15 [laughter] I d- I don't know.

2:15 You seem lovely.

2:17 So, you're going to put out that cigarette,

2:19 we're going to put this fight on hold and go have sex.

2:22 FINE.

2:23 WHAT?

2:25 SEX.

2:26 IT'S THE LAST DAY THAT I'M ovulating and if we if we don't do it now,

2:28 then we're going to have to wait till next month.

2:31 You're serious?

2:34 [laughter] Oh, yeah.

2:34 All right, fine.

2:35 I'll do it, but no talking.

2:37 And no cuddling.

2:38 And no kissing your neck.

2:39 Oh, good.

2:40 I hate it when YOU DO THAT.

2:46 [cheering]

2:45 AND LOTS of kissing your neck.

2:48 And done.

2:50 Oh my god.

2:53 [laughter] I didn't feel a thing.

2:55 Hey, are you still looking for a job cuz

2:56 you could twirl circles around that sadistic at the salon.

3:01 Thanks.

3:02 You want to see what it looks like?

3:03 Yeah, yeah.

3:05 Hey, they totally match.

3:08 They look great.

3:09 They look great.

3:10 HOW ARE YOU DOING?

3:14 [laughter] YEAH, YEAH, I THINK IT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

3:15 I was a little bit worried that I was uncovering a birthmark right about there,

3:19 but it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.

3:23 Well, hey Chandler, thank you so much.

3:25 No problem.

3:26 Listen, uh that's a pretty girly hour we just spent.

3:30 We should probably do something manly to make up for it.

3:32 Yeah.

3:38 Comb my eyelashes?

3:39 Yeah.

3:39 Seeing in Chicago, New York and London are consistently solid,

3:43 but many of our field offices have reported disappointing yields.

3:50 [laughter]

3:54 Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down.

3:56 I could go on and on, but instead of boring you,

4:00 I'll go straight to my 42-point plan.

4:05 [laughter] [laughter]

4:14 Walter?

4:16 Okay, if everyone's on board, it's settled.

4:19 Chandler.

4:26 [laughter]

4:28 Chandler.

4:28 Yeah.

4:29 Are you on board?

4:32 Yes.

4:35 [laughter] Then problem solved.

4:35 Chandler will be running our office in Tulsa.

4:38 You're going to love Oklahoma.

4:45 [screaming and crying] Try feeding her again.

4:46 I already fed her.

4:48 I know.

4:49 That's why I said [crying and screaming] again.

4:52 ALL RIGHT, you guys, WE CAN'T TURN ON EACH OTHER, OKAY?

4:55 That's just what she wants.

4:58 HEY.

4:58 HEY.

4:59 MONICA, [crying]

5:00 can I talk to you outside for a Oh, no, you guys just stay here.

5:02 I'm going to go check her diaper.

5:03 Phoebe, do you want to come?

5:04 Oh, I'm kind of part of this.

5:10 Actually, Phoebe, it's more of a husband and wife kind [screaming] of thing.

5:12 You knew I should have married Chandler.

5:16 Okay, what's up?

5:17 Okay, um you know how we always said it

5:20 would be fun to move to Paris for a year?

5:22 You know, you could study French cooking and I could write

5:25 and we could picnic along the Seine and go wine tasting in Bordeaux.

5:29 Oh, yes.

5:31 Okay.

5:32 You know how people say that Tulsa

5:38 [laughter] is the Paris of Oklahoma?

5:42 [laughter] What?

5:42 Who says that?

5:44 People who've never been to Paris.

5:48 [laughter] Well, what's going on?

5:49 We're moving to Tulsa.

5:55 [laughter] Excuse me?

5:56 Okay.

5:57 Miss McKenna, she kind of works above my boss.

6:00 She asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president

6:02 of our office there and I was sleeping and apparently said yes.

6:07 Tulsa, Oklahoma?

6:09 THE SOONER STATE.

6:12 WHATEVER THAT IS.

6:14 SEE, CHANDLER, I don't even want to see the musical Oklahoma.

6:17 Really?

6:18 Oh, what a beautiful morning.

6:19 Sorry with a fringe on top?

6:20 Are you trying to tell me that we're moving to Oklahoma or that you're gay?

6:25 [laughter]

6:27 All right, not that this matters, but did they at least offer you a huge raise?

6:30 No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus.

6:37 I'll get out of it.

6:38 Thank you.

6:38 [crying]

6:40 [screaming] What is wrong with Emma?

6:41 Oh, she misunderstood.

6:42 She thought she was moving to Tulsa.

6:50 [music] Ma'am, I do have a minute?

6:52 I kind of have some bad news.

6:54 I don't think I can move to Tulsa.

6:57 What?

6:57 Uh it's a funny story, actually.

7:02 [clears throat] Um I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning.

7:06 So, when I said I'd move to Tulsa, I didn't really know what I was saying.

7:09 You fell asleep?

7:10 But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting.

7:14 Isn't that funny?

7:17 Irony.

7:18 Not a fan?

7:19 All right.

7:22 [laughter]

7:21 See, here's the thing.

7:23 I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and and she won't go.

7:27 See, me, I love Tulsa.

7:28 Tulsa is heaven.

7:29 Tulsa is Italy.

7:30 Please don't make me go there.

7:34 [laughter]

7:33 Chandler, I No, no, no.

7:34 Look, Carol, can I call you Carol?

7:39 Why would I when your name is Elaine?

7:45 [laughter] Ugh.

7:47 What a great picture of your son.

7:48 Strapping.

7:51 [laughter]

7:52 That's a picture of your daughter, isn't it?

7:55 Well, she's lovely.

7:56 I I like a girl with a strong jaw.

8:01 [laughter] I'll call you from Tulsa.

8:03 So, you're going to get back at Ross?

8:06 Oh, yeah.

8:06 This will show him.

8:07 Here we go.

8:08 What are you doing?

8:09 Oh, YOU'LL SEE, MY FRIEND.

8:17 [music] I'M DEAD?

8:21 AND so young.

8:23 Posting that I died, that really isn't funny.

8:28 Well, how you died was funny.

8:29 Oh, please, hit by a blimp?

8:33 It kills over 1 Americans every year.

8:38 Unbelievable.

8:39 My classmates are going to think I'm dead.

8:41 My professors, my my parents are going to get phone calls.

8:45 You're messing with people's feelings here.

8:47 Oh, you want to talk about people's feelings?

8:48 You should have heard how hurt Professor Stern was yesterday when I

8:51 told him I wouldn't be able to go with him TO KEY WEST.

8:56 [laughter] YOU'VE REALLY CROSSED A LINE HERE, but that's okay.

8:59 It's okay cuz I'm on my way to buy

9:00 some Photoshop software and a stack of gay porn.

9:03 That's right.

9:04 Your coming out's about to get real graphic.

9:07 She's asleep.

9:08 That means we can Yes, but we have to be fast.

9:10 Okay, I'll try.

9:14 And you can't make any noise.

9:15 Okay, I'll try.

9:24 Hello.

9:26 [crying] Emma?

9:32 Hey.

9:34 Hi.

9:36 How are you?

9:38 Who are you?

9:39 We're your babysitters, huh?

9:43 Why is the bedroom door closed?

9:47 [laughter]

9:52 You can't have S E X when you're taking care of a B A B I E.

10:00 WELL, THAT WAS WEIRD.

10:01 YOU WERE LOUD and I was fast.

10:04 I think we may have really done it this time.

10:06 Oh, I wish I didn't have to wait to take a pregnancy test.

10:10 You want to get some more of those, too?

10:13 [laughter] Where's Emma?

10:16 Oh my god, where's Emma?

10:18 Where's Emma?

10:19 Don't ask me, I was in THERE CANOODLING YOU.

10:24 OKAY, OKAY, I'M SURE THAT RACHEL came home early and picked up Emma.

10:27 You go look across the hall and and I'll call her cell.

10:30 Okay.

10:30 You better hope that we're pregnant because one way

10:32 or another we're giving a baby back to Rachel.

10:35 Oh, bye.

10:37 Bye, honey.

10:44 What's the matter, Joe?

10:45 I'm mad at you for leaving.

10:48 I ain't nothing but a big leaver.

10:52 Big leaver with the stupid suitcase.

10:56 [laughter] Any chance you're trying to pick a fight to make all of this easier?

11:05 Oh, dude, you see right through me.

11:14 [laughter] Okay, well, bye, Mon.

11:20 Bye, Ross.

11:21 Rachel.

11:22 Bye, Emma.

11:23 Okay, bye-bye.

11:26 Good trip.

11:27 Okay.

11:30 Hi, Chandler Bing.

11:31 I have a reservation.

11:32 Welcome to the Chestnut Inn, Mr.

11:33 Bing.

11:33 So, where are you joining us from?

11:35 New York.

11:35 The Big Apple.

11:38 I'm sorry, he's a little bit wound up.

11:40 We had to stop at every maple candy stand on the way here.

11:42 I ate all my gifts for everybody.

11:47 I'm sorry, Mr.

11:48 Bing, there's no record of your reservation in the computer.

11:50 Well, that's impossible.

11:52 Can you check again, please?

11:53 CHECK AGAIN, PLEASE.

11:58 [laughter] I'M SORRY, it's not here.

11:58 Not there?

12:00 Let me get this straight.

12:02 I called yesterday to try to cancel my reservation,

12:04 was told it's not refundable.

12:06 Then we drove 6 hours all the way up here

12:08 and now you're telling me that we don't have a reservation?

12:10 I don't know what to say.

12:11 She doesn't know what to say.

12:14 Just give us the cheapest room you have.

12:16 Well, unfortunately, the only thing we have available is our deluxe suite.

12:18 The rate is $600.

12:20 That's insane.

12:21 It is totally insane.

12:23 Dude, let's drive home.

12:24 We'll hit all the maple candy stores on the way back and if if they're closed,

12:28 then maybe we'll we'll tap a tree and make some ourselves.

12:33 Does that room have a closet I can lock him in?

12:38 [laughter] We'll take it.

12:39 Great.

12:41 Look, they are totally ripping us off.

12:43 Dude, don't worry about it.

12:44 I know how we can make your money back.

12:46 This is a nice hotel, you know, plenty of amenities.

12:48 We just load up on those.

12:50 Like those apples, instead of taking one, um I take six.

12:56 Great.

12:57 At $100 an apple, we're there.

13:00 Come on, you you get the idea.

13:02 You know, we'll we'll make our money back in no time.

13:05 Dude, you're shaking.

13:06 I think it's the sugar.

13:07 Could you hold the apple?

13:14 Hi, this is Ross Geller in suite 206.

13:17 Um I seem to have forgotten a couple of things.

13:19 Could Could you have some complimentary toiletries sent up to my room?

13:24 Thank you.

13:24 Okay, um toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, mouthwash,

13:29 deodorant, dental floss, Band-Aids, shaving cream, aftershave.

13:34 And I feel like I'm forgetting something.

13:35 Um is there anything else you you have that I haven't asked for already?

13:41 Yeah, go ahead, send up some tampons.

13:47 What'd you get?

13:47 USA Today.

13:48 Nice, put it with the others.

13:51 And I also got two more apples.

13:55 We're four short of a bushel.

13:58 God, I feel so alive.

13:59 I love being in the country.

14:02 I also got these great salt and pepper shakers from the restaurant.

14:05 Oh, that's not cool.

14:08 Dude, none of this is cool.

14:11 Look, Chandler, you you have to find the line

14:13 between stealing and and taking what the hotel owes you.

14:17 Um for example, a hairdryer, no, no, no.

14:20 But shampoos and conditioners, oh yes, yes, yes.

14:26 [laughter]

14:25 Now, the the salt shaker is off limits, but the salt

14:33 [laughter] I wish I'd thought this through.

14:36 I think I get what you mean now.

14:37 Like the the lamp is uh is the hotel's, but the bulbs I You already got that.

14:43 Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.

14:46 Okay, uh how about this?

14:48 No, no, no, you can't take the remote control.

14:51 Yes, but the batteries [applause] Thank you.

14:59 Thank you very much.

15:00 Ooh, ooh, let's let's celebrate with some maple candy.

15:04 NO.

15:05 AT LEAST TELL ME WHERE YOU HID IT.

15:09 Here's your copy of the bill.

15:10 We hope you enjoyed your stay.

15:12 Oh, we did.

15:13 And you still have all your lamps.

15:16 [laughter]

15:18 I didn't factor in the room tax.

15:20 Oh, dude, don't worry about it.

15:22 I found an unattended maid's cart.

15:23 We're way ahead of the game.

15:28 [laughter]

15:27 Oh my god.

15:28 What?

15:29 There's There's something new in the bowl.

15:32 Look, we have enough.

15:33 Just walk away.

15:34 No, but I I want I want the pine cones.

15:39 [laughter] There's a forest right outside.

15:40 It's not the same.

15:42 Okay, go quick.

15:46 Caw, caw.

15:49 [laughter]

15:51 Thank you for a delightful stay.

16:00 [laughter] Ooh, my maple candy.

16:06 Yes, I do.

16:07 Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly,

16:10 but if it's important to you, then it's important to me.

16:13 Because I love you.

16:16 BUT YOU SUCK.

16:19 [laughter] YOU'RE WELCOME, SWEETHEART.

16:24 [laughter]

16:23 ALL RIGHT, MIKE, let's get this over with.

16:25 Sudden death.

16:26 Whoever wins this point wins.

16:28 Okay.

16:33 Oh my god, you're good.

16:36 IT'S LIKE WATCHING PORN.

16:39 [laughter] AND THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.

16:49 [cheering] Oh my god, THAT WAS SO AMAZING.

16:53 WELL, when when did you Hold on.

16:55 I almost forgot.

16:57 LOSER.

17:01 WHEN DID YOU STOP SUCKING?

17:03 I never [clears throat] sucked.

17:04 I just didn't want you to know how good I was.

17:06 Why?

17:07 I don't know.

17:08 Well, this is so great.

17:09 Now we can enter into doubles tournaments.

17:10 That's why.

17:11 I hear that the reason you're here in Tulsa is that you fell asleep

17:13 in a meeting and took the job without realizing what you were saying yes to.

17:19 [laughter] Well, don't believe everything you hear, Ken.

17:23 But yeah, that's true.

17:25 All right, let's get started by taking a look at last quarter's figures.

17:32 Uh Claudia, aren't you supposed to blow smoke up the boss's ass?

17:37 I'm sorry, does the smoke bother you?

17:39 No, no, no, no, I smoked for years, then I quit.

17:43 Right now I can't remember why.

17:46 You're not allowed to smoke in this office, though, right?

17:48 Yes, in Oklahoma it's legal to smoke in offices with 15 people or less.

17:52 Would you like one?

17:53 All right, look look, I don't smoke anymore,

17:56 but if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, it's fine.

18:03 [laughter]

18:03 So, you all smoke, then.

18:05 No, it's it's almost rude that I'm not smoking.

18:08 Well, that's not true.

18:09 If you don't want TO SMOKE KEN, PLEASE.

18:12 [laughter] NO, I CAN'T I CAN'T SMOKE.

18:16 IF I smoke, my wife would kill me.

18:17 I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York?

18:22 I've always liked you, Ken.

18:25 What's wrong?

18:26 I am so much older than these other interns.

18:28 I can't I can't compete with them.

18:30 I know you're a little older.

18:32 Try to look at the positive.

18:34 You have all this life experience.

18:35 Yes, but I don't think life experience is going to help me WITH THESE.

18:43 [laughter]

18:45 WOW.

18:44 IT'S LIKE THEY'RE ON FIRE.

18:52 WHAT ARE THEY?

18:53 THEY'RE THESE prototype sneakers and I have to come

18:55 up with ideas on how to sell them,

18:56 which I can't do because no self-respecting adult would ever wear these.

19:00 I'll give you $500 for them.

19:06 [laughter] What am I supposed to do with these?

19:07 Come on, sneakers are easy.

19:09 You wear sneakers all the time.

19:10 Well, first of all, they're not called sneakers anymore.

19:12 Apparently, they're called kicks or skids.

19:16 And I think I heard somebody say slurps.

19:20 Here, look.

19:21 They got these wheels that pop out from the bottom so

19:23 you can roll around because apparently walking is too much exercise.

19:28 Kids, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity.

19:34 Would you help me try to sell these?

19:37 Okay, have you considered using a girl with huge knockers?

19:41 Uh I don't think that's the kind of thing they're looking for.

19:44 Hey, that'd work on me.

19:47 Why do you think I buy Mrs.

19:48 Butterworth's?

19:50 You know what?

19:50 These aren't half bad.

19:51 You should suggest something like this to Ralph Lauren.

19:54 Okay, first of all, that's stupid.

19:56 And second of all, I'm not allowed to talk to Ralph.

20:00 All right.

20:01 I feel younger already.

20:08 [laughter]

20:07 Yeah, I think I broke my hip.

20:16 I need you to set me up for a joke.

20:17 Later when Monica's around, I need you to ask me about fire trucks.

20:22 Ooh, I don't know, Chandler.

20:23 I'm not so good with remembering lines.

20:28 Well, thank god your livelihood doesn't depend on it.

20:31 I know, right?

20:34 [laughter] W- Why Why Why are we doing this?

20:35 Monica says that her maître d' is the funniest guy she's ever met.

20:39 Seriously?

20:40 She actually said that?

20:41 Yes.

20:42 Am I crazy to be this upset?

20:44 No.

20:44 Being funny is your thing.

20:45 Yeah.

20:46 Without that, you just got lame with women.

20:52 [laughter]

20:51 Hi.

20:52 There you are.

20:52 FIRE TRUCKS.

20:57 [laughter] HE SPRANG TO HIS SLEIGH, TO his team gave a whistle,

21:02 and away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

21:05 But I heard him exclaim ere he drove out of sight,

21:09 "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night." [laughter] Wow.

21:18 That was great.

21:20 You really wrote that?

21:23 [laughter] Uh-huh.

21:24 Say goodbye, elves.

21:25 I'm off to Tulsa.

21:27 I can't believe you're not going to be here for Christmas.

21:30 You really not coming back?

21:31 Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year.

21:35 If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.

21:37 It's so unfair.

21:38 You don't even like your job.

21:40 So, who does?

21:41 Oh, I like my job.

21:42 I love my job.

21:43 I can't wait to go back to work.

21:44 get enough dinosaurs.

21:47 [laughter] I'm sorry I won't be here.

21:53 It's hard enough not seeing you during the week,

21:56 but for Christmas It's This is what you have to do, I understand.

22:00 Thanks.

22:03 I'll see you New Year's Day.

22:04 You're not going to be here New Year's Eve?

22:07 Did I not mention that?

22:08 No.

22:11 And to all a good night.

22:14 Chandler Bing.

22:14 Hi, honey.

22:15 We're all here.

22:16 We just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.

22:18 Merry Christmas.

22:23 [laughter] Aw, Merry Christmas.

22:24 I miss you guys.

22:25 So, is it horrible?

22:26 Is everybody working really hard?

22:28 Uh well, no.

22:28 It's just uh me and Wendy.

22:31 Wendy?

22:32 That sounds like a girl's name.

22:35 It is.

22:35 Did I not tell you about her?

22:37 Mhm.

22:38 Mhm.

22:38 About the time you told me about New Year's Eve.

22:41 Where's everybody else?

22:43 I sent them home.

22:44 Aw, you are such a good boss.

22:47 Is she pretty?

22:51 [laughter] Uh uh Answer faster.

22:52 Answer faster.

22:53 I don't know.

22:54 Answer better.

22:55 Answer better.

22:57 I don't think of her that way, you know.

22:59 I mean, she's a uh she's a colleague.

23:01 What does she do there?

23:02 Oh, she's regional vice president.

23:03 She's just below me.

23:05 SHE DID WHAT?

23:08 [laughter] BELOW ME.

23:15 Uh wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?

23:18 What?

23:21 [laughter]

23:21 Well, she She didn't win.

23:24 All right.

23:25 Well, maybe I should let you and the second

23:27 prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.

23:29 Well, second prettiest that year.

23:31 I mean, of all the girls in Oklahoma, she's probably Oh, CHANDLER, STOP TALKING.

23:37 [laughter]

23:39 HONEY, THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

23:40 OKAY.

23:41 I'm serious.

23:42 Okay.

23:44 Merry Christmas.

23:45 Merry Christmas.

23:47 Merry Christmas, you guys.

23:52 [laughter] [snorts] The wife says hi.

23:58 Aw.

23:58 Fun conversation?

24:00 Aw, well, she's just got this weird idea that uh you know,

24:03 just because you and I are alone that something's going to happen.

24:06 Huh?

24:07 Really?

24:08 Huh.

24:10 That be so terrible?

24:14 This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about,

24:18 but you're getting ham on my only tie.

24:23 Hey.

24:24 Oh my god.

24:29 LOOK AT THAT.

24:29 THAT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE.

24:34 [laughter] WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

24:35 I wanted to be with you.

24:37 I missed you so much.

24:39 Hey, hey.

24:40 Uh who'd you miss the most?

24:42 Monica.

24:44 Got you.

24:47 [laughter] I never want to leave you again.

24:50 But I thought if you left, you'd get fired.

24:53 Turns out they can't fire me.

24:55 Because I quit.

24:56 Oh, what?

24:57 What?

24:58 You You really quit your job?

25:00 Yeah.

25:01 It's a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you.

25:04 And why should I be the only one who

25:06 doesn't get to do what he really wants to do?

25:08 What do you really want to do?

25:10 I have not thought this through.

25:14 [laughter] OH MY GOD.

25:15 I KNOW.

25:15 I I SHOULD HAVE talked to you first about it.

25:17 No, I think that this is what you want to do.

25:19 I think it's great.

25:22 Thanks.

25:24 Chandler, your being here is the best

25:26 Christmas present I could have ever imagined.

25:29 Aw.

25:30 Now, give me my real gift.

25:33 Okay, what have we always wanted to do together?

25:36 Braid each other's hair and ride horseback on the beach?

25:40 No.

25:40 No.

25:41 When you get home tomorrow night,

25:42 you and I are going to be at the Wizards-Knicks game, courtside.

25:45 Courtside?

25:46 Oh my god.

25:47 Yeah, maybe Michael Jordan will dive for the ball

25:49 and break my jaw with his knee.

25:51 That is so cool.

25:52 I'll let Monica know.

25:57 Hello.

25:58 Joey just called.

25:59 He's got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.

26:02 Really?

26:03 But But tomorrow night's the only night I get off from the restaurant.

26:06 If you go to the game, then we won't have a night together for another week.

26:09 But honey, it's courtside.

26:09 The cheerleaders are going to be right in That's not the way to convince you.

26:16 Chandler, look, I don't want to be one of those wives that says,

26:18 "You can't go to the game.

26:19 You have to spend time with me." So,

26:21 if you could just realize it on your own I I know.

26:26 You're right.

26:26 I want to see you, too.

26:28 I just got to figure out a way to tell Joey,

26:30 you know, he's really looking forward to this.

26:31 Tell him that you haven't seen your wife in a long time.

26:34 Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult.

26:38 Tell him that what little time we have together is is precious.

26:43 Yeah, yeah, I'll think of something.

26:46 What you witnessed in there, that wasn't for fun.

26:53 It wasn't fun?

26:54 What?

26:54 Why Why would you What What [laughter]

26:57 I just don't want you to think that we're animals who do it whenever we want.

27:02 Well, I don't think that.

27:04 Before today, I never thought of you two having sex at all.

27:08 It was a simpler time.

27:13 [laughter]

27:11 The truth is, Dad, we're we're trying.

27:15 What?

27:15 Yeah, we're trying to get pregnant.

27:17 Oh my god, this is so exciting.

27:20 Well, get back in there.

27:21 I'll guard the door.

27:23 It's okay, Dad.

27:24 We We We can wait until later.

27:25 Whoa, whoa, whoa.

27:26 I don't think so.

27:26 Aren't you ovulating?

27:28 Daddy.

27:30 [laughter]

27:30 Well, you got to get at it, princess.

27:32 When your mother and I were trying to conceive you,

27:34 whenever she was ovulating, bam, we did it.

27:37 That's how I got my bad hip.

27:38 [laughter] It's funny,

27:40 this conversation is how I got the bullet hole in my head.

27:43 I have a weird feeling about this place.

27:45 I mean, how do I know they're not going

27:47 to secretly videotape me and put it all over the internet?

27:52 [laughter] Because, honey, and I I mean this in the sweetest way possible,

27:56 nobody's going to want TO WATCH THAT.

28:00 [laughter] MR.

28:00 BING, here you are.

28:02 You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.

28:05 Deposit my specimen?

28:07 You know, I usually have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk.

28:12 [laughter]

28:15 Thanks.

28:15 Got it.

28:18 [laughter] All right, honey.

28:18 My tests are down the hall.

28:20 You sure you're going to be okay?

28:22 Yeah, I guess.

28:23 Well, look, I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares.

28:26 No one here even knows you.

28:31 OH MY [cheering] OH, COME ON.

28:42 [music] HOW great is this?

28:50 Yeah, we're probably fertile.

28:51 LET'S GO HOME.

28:56 [laughter] WHY ARE YOU HERE?

28:57 WELL, SID AND I are trying again,

28:58 and we had trouble last time because apparently we didn't I mean, why?

29:02 Why is she here?

29:05 Aw, someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup.

29:09 Oh, they gave you the KIDDIE SIZE.

29:15 [laughter] WHAT?

29:20 [laughter] THIS WAS FUN, BUT I'VE GOT AN invasive vaginal exam to get to.

29:24 [laughter]

29:26 I'd love to stay, but I've uh got a hot date.

29:29 Please go.

29:30 Just let me know if you need a hand.

29:39 I think it just fell off.

29:47 Good morning, everybody.

29:48 Can I get a cup of coffee, sir?

29:50 Oh, no, no, no.

29:50 I'm an intern, just like you guys.

29:53 Except for the tie, the briefcase, and the fact that I can rent a car.

29:58 Seriously?

29:59 You're an intern?

29:59 Yeah, well, I'm kind of heading in a new career direction,

30:01 and you know, you got to start at the bottom.

30:04 Dude.

30:07 All right, look, I know I'm a little bit older than you guys,

30:09 but it's not like I'm Bob Hope.

30:12 [snorts] The comedian?

30:16 USO.

30:19 Uh, it's USA, sir.

30:24 I love your breasts the way they are.

30:27 Ugh, fascist.

30:30 [laughter] Well, my breasts are going to get bigger whether you like it or not.

30:33 And and you know what?

30:34 It's not just my breasts.

30:35 My ass is going to get bigger, too.

30:37 Your ass?

30:40 AND DON'T BE SURPRISED IF her hands and her feet get bigger, too.

30:45 They do that?

30:47 It's kind of a package deal.

30:50 [laughter] GOD, WHY WHY would you want to do that to yourself?

30:53 I thought it was something that we both wanted.

30:57 All right, look, if it means that much to you,

30:58 I may be able to get on board with the big boobs,

31:00 but the giant ass and the BIG CLOWN FEET?

31:05 OH MY GOD, CHANDLER.

31:07 If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital

31:10 with the blood and the screaming

31:11 and the little person THAT'S SHOOTING OUT OF HER?

31:15 [laughter] WHAT?

31:19 I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WITH PHOEBE AND DAVID.

31:21 I do.

31:23 Want a hint?

31:23 Huh?

31:25 I do.

31:28 I do.

31:31 [laughter] Okay, I'm sensing this is some kind of word

31:33 play because you are pink with barely controlled glee.

31:38 [laughter] David's going to propose to Phoebe.

31:39 What?

31:41 Why?

31:43 Because we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike,

31:46 and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.

31:48 Chandler, we have talked about this.

31:50 You are not supposed to give people advice.

31:55 [laughter] Now, could you make some sort of inappropriate joke?

31:58 A penis one.

32:01 Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?

32:03 They've only been going out for a few weeks.

32:06 Phoebe is a completely hung up on Mike.

32:08 She'll say no.

32:10 David's heart will be broken.

32:12 It'll be too hard for them to recover

32:14 from, and then Phoebe will end up alone again.

32:18 Man, that's some bad advice.

32:20 I got a job in advertising.

32:21 Oh!

32:22 [screaming] Oh, WOW!

32:23 HONEY, THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

32:25 GOSH, what's the pay like?

32:30 Oh, come on, people.

32:32 Come on now, if I don't know who makes the most,

32:34 how do I know who I like the most?

32:36 Hey, Joey.

32:39 Actually, it pays nothing.

32:40 It's an internship.

32:41 Oh, that's cool.

32:42 We have interns at Days of Our Lives.

32:44 Right, so it'll be the same, except less sex with you.

32:48 So, uh, what kind of stuff do you think they'll have you do there?

32:51 Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.

32:54 That's great.

32:56 Yeah, I mean, there's probably going to be some grunt work,

32:57 which will probably stink.

32:58 You know, grown man getting people coffee is a little humiliating.

33:04 Humiliating and noble.

33:08 Thank you.

33:11 [laughter] You know, if I didn't already have a job,

33:13 I I think I would have been really good in advertising.

33:16 Ross, you did not come up with got milk.

33:19 Yes, I did.

33:20 I did.

33:23 I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN IT DOWN.

33:25 I just realized I don't care if he is the most perfect guy in the world.

33:30 He's not you.

33:31 Yeah, he's better.

33:36 No, he's not.

33:38 And if I can't get pregnant with you,

33:40 then I don't want to get pregnant by him or anyone else.

33:45 Really?

33:46 Are you sure?

33:47 Yeah, I'm sure.

33:48 Oh, [snorts] thank god, because I don't want to do this, either.

33:51 No, I was just doing it because I thought that was what you wanted to do.

33:55 You know, I'm the husband.

33:55 I'm supposed to bring the sperm.

34:00 That is so sweet.

34:02 And I love you.

34:07 So, now this leaves us with adoption.

34:12 How do you feel about that?

34:15 I think I feel okay about it.

34:18 Actually, I I think I feel really good about it.

34:23 Me, too.

34:25 I want to find a baby that needs a home, and I want to raise it with you.

34:29 And I want to mess it up in our own specific way.

34:35 So, this is it?

34:36 We're we're really going to adopt?

34:39 Yeah.

34:40 Oh my god, we're going to be parents.

34:42 We are going to be great parents.

34:45 And it could be soon.

34:46 I mean I mean, think about it, right now,

34:48 somewhere out there our baby could be being conceived.

34:52 Wait.

34:53 If we're lucky, and we're really, really, really quiet,

34:57 we may be able to hear the sound of a condom breaking.