1 Hour of Penny Getting Caught Up in Everything

0:00 Gee, Penny, thanks for buying us dinner.

0:02 Mhm.

0:03 Yeah, what's the occasion?

0:04 No, no occasion.

0:05 Just felt like getting some Chinese chow for my peeps.

0:10 Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?

0:13 Yes.

0:13 Even though the menu description specified shredded?

0:15 Yes.

0:15 Brown rice, not white?

0:17 Yes.

0:17 at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?

0:19 Yes.

0:19 You picked up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?

0:21 Yes.

0:21 Good.

0:24 Let's see how it's done, Leonard.

0:29 [cheering]

0:29 So, what are we doing on tonight, huh?

0:30 Playing Halo, watching Battlestar, drop some Mentos in Diet Coke?

0:36 You want to watch Battlestar?

0:37 Well, what can I say?

0:38 I got my GEEK ON, BOYS.

0:43 NO, NO, PMS is different.

0:49 Thank god you're home.

0:50 I need help.

0:51 What's wrong?

0:51 I just got a callback to audition for CSI to play a hooker who gets killed.

0:56 Oh, I'd watch that.

0:59 But my car is in the shop, and I have to be at Universal in 45 minutes.

1:03 Okay, well, I'll take you.

1:04 Oh, you're a lifesaver.

1:06 I'll run lines with you in the car.

1:08 Great.

1:09 And afterward, I'll take you all out for Chinese.

1:11 Oh, actually, that's okay.

1:12 We already ate.

1:14 Yummy.

1:17 Chinese food right here.

1:21 They're gone, Penny.

1:22 They can't hear you.

1:24 I'm still tweaking things a little bit,

1:26 but this will give you the general idea of the website.

1:33 So, what do you guys think?

1:37 Uh, pretty much any way I say that is going to hurt his feelings.

1:44 Okay, what's wrong with it?

1:46 What's wrong with it?

1:47 Not you.

1:47 I wasn't asking you.

1:52 [laughter] Penny?

1:51 Uh, well, it's a little juvenile.

1:54 I mean, kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl.

1:59 [laughter] No, it doesn't.

2:00 Oh, please.

2:01 Dateline could use it to attract predators.

2:08 [laughter] Penny, this is your enterprise, so it's ultimately your decision.

2:11 But based on the quality of his work,

2:13 I'd strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.

2:16 You want to fire me?

2:18 What I want is irrelevant.

2:19 This is Penny's decision.

2:22 Penny?

2:23 Excuse me, but if I did such a bad job, then why do we already have orders?

2:27 We do?

2:27 Uh-huh.

2:28 Look.

2:30 Mrs.

2:31 Fiona Fondell from Huntsville, Alabama has ordered two.

2:34 No kidding, two?

2:36 Uh-huh.

2:36 Look at the comments.

2:38 Thank you, Penny Blossoms.

2:40 These will be perfect to cover my bald spots.

2:45 That is so sweet.

2:47 Camouflaging bald spots is primarily a male concern.

2:50 Perhaps we could expand our market.

2:53 How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?

2:59 [laughter] We add Bluetooth.

3:03 Brilliant.

3:04 Men love Bluetooth.

3:06 Wait a minute.

3:06 Wait a minute.

3:06 You want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?

3:09 You do, Penny.

3:10 Everything is better with Bluetooth.

3:16 [laughter] Holy crap.

3:17 Someone just ordered a thousand Penny Blossoms.

3:20 Get out.

3:21 [laughter] Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?

3:26 The fifth annual East Rutherford, New Jersey Gay,

3:28 Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Alliance Luau.

3:33 [laughter] Oh, another market to expand into.

3:35 Balding gay men.

3:37 And I'll bet lesbians love Bluetooth.

3:40 We should get [laughter] to work.

3:42 Wait.

3:43 Wait.

3:43 Wait.

3:43 Why does it say one-day rush?

3:45 Since when do we offer a one-day rush?

3:47 Amazon offers one-day rush.

3:49 Yeah, but they don't have to glue the books together.

3:54 [laughter] HOW THE ARE WE GOING TO MAKE A THOUSAND PENNY BLOSSOMS in one day?

3:56 Don't yell at me.

3:57 I'm not manufacturing.

3:58 I'm just web design.

4:00 Okay, well, I'm going to have to call them and cancel that order.

4:02 Excuse me, but was this not your goal?

4:05 Financial independence or entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation?

4:09 Yeah, my brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.

4:14 I just don't see how we can pull this off.

4:16 Okay, that right there, that equivocation and self-doubt,

4:19 that is not the American spirit.

4:22 Did [laughter] Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo?

4:25 Did Jim Bowie?

4:26 They didn't quit.

4:27 They were massacred.

4:33 [laughter]

4:30 By like a gazillion angry Mexicans.

4:36 All right, let me put it this way.

4:37 Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night's work.

4:44 You guys get started.

4:47 [laughter]

4:47 What are you doing?

4:47 Going online to BUY SHOES.

4:51 GIVE ME, give me some time [singing] to blow the [laughter]

4:55 I'm a deep water sailor just come from Hong Kong.

4:58 Give me way, hey, blow the man down.

5:01 If you give me some whiskey, I'll sing you a song.

5:05 Give me some time to blow the man down.

5:07 [laughter]

5:09 HELLO?

5:10 HELLO?

5:13 THE BREAK OF the poop.

5:14 Give me way, hey, blow the man down.

5:18 Now I'll help you along with the toe of my boot.

5:21 Give me some time to blow the man down.

5:24 What's going on?

5:26 I assume you're referring to the sea shanty.

5:28 It's a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.

5:31 Yeah, it's crazy, but it totally works.

5:32 Look, we made this Penny Blossom in under 3 minutes.

5:36 Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.

5:41 [laughter] Penny's making hair accessories.

5:42 I'm helping her optimize her manufacturing process.

5:45 All right, break's over.

5:46 Pay attention to orders.

5:47 Now, if you want to know Hey, hold on.

5:49 What are you using as a bonding agent?

5:51 Hot glue.

5:52 You're kidding.

5:53 Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.

5:55 It won't work.

5:56 The flower's too porous.

5:57 What if we infuse the bottom layer

5:59 with silicone RTV to provide a better mounting surface?

6:02 Intriguing.

6:04 Good question.

6:05 What are your marketing and distribution channels?

6:07 Well, they're the waitresses at my work in this cute little shop in Old Town.

6:10 Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

6:10 Virtually non-existent.

6:13 I'm thinking that we set her up

6:14 with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.

6:17 Why not eliminate the middleman?

6:18 We can install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.

6:22 She'll need some kind of industrial cooling system.

6:24 Of course.

6:24 But before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure,

6:27 we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process.

6:29 To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.

6:37 [laughter] Yeah, it's a Uh, I've seen this before.

6:43 Where?

6:43 It's a common stripper problem.

6:49 [cheering]

6:48 They dance, they sweat, THEY CLUMP.

6:53 [laughter] EW.

6:55 ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT ADDING A DESICCANT like calcium sulfate?

6:58 Actually, I'm thinking about this one stripper named Vega.

7:02 [laughter]

7:05 But sure, calcium sulfate could work.

7:09 [laughter] Let's think out of the box for a moment.

7:11 How about a MOLECULAR SIEVE?

7:14 OH.

7:15 I'VE GOT A SPAGHETTI strainer in the kitchen.

7:21 [laughter] Wow.

7:26 Hey, uh, we can liberate some microporous charcoal from the chem lab.

7:29 Great.

7:30 Yeah, Raj, why don't you and Howard go get the charcoal?

7:32 Leonard, why don't you start working on some preliminary website designs?

7:35 I'll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.

7:39 Well, what's What's with my apartment?

7:41 It's not MY APARTMENT.

7:44 [laughter]

7:44 WELL, THEN what am I going to do?

7:45 Well, hey, it's your business.

7:47 Do whatever you want.

7:48 Oh.

7:50 Okay, cool.

7:54 I'm going to take a nap.

7:58 [laughter] Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.

8:01 It's just a haircut and some clothes.

8:03 No, it's the last straw.

8:04 I can't take anymore.

8:09 [cheering] [applause]

8:14 Can you believe it?

8:15 They finally fixed the elevator.

8:20 This is a nightmare.

8:22 What's with him?

8:23 He won a Nobel Prize and his wife looks amazing.

8:26 Oh, yeah, got it.

8:29 [laughter] [laughter]

8:49 How did you get down here?

8:50 Elevator, it's really fast.

8:53 I I need to be alone right now.

8:54 Don't try to follow me.

8:56 All right, you need a ride?

8:56 That'd be great.

8:57 Thank you.

9:00 [laughter] Okay, as as I put the egg on top and and and the flame goes out

9:06 and and and the air pressure decreases

9:09 in in the glass what do you think will happen?

9:14 I think I know.

9:15 It's going to get sucked in.

9:18 It's going to get sucked in.

9:20 Okay, I did it.

9:21 Now Yes!

9:30 SEE, I'M NOT a scientist like them.

9:33 I I figured that out.

9:36 Do a potato clock.

9:37 Do potato clock.

9:39 Uh what's that?

9:40 I I power a clock with the with a potato.

9:43 SHUT UP!

9:45 YOU CAN DO THAT?

9:49 [laughter] I MEAN, WOULDN'T THAT SOLVE THE WORLD'S ENERGY CRISIS?

9:56 NO.

10:00 [laughter] LEONARD, COULD YOU PICK ME up a few comics for my nephew's birthday?

10:02 Sure, what does he like?

10:03 I don't know, he's 13.

10:05 Just pick out anything.

10:05 Just pick out anything?

10:09 Or maybe at the same time you can pick

10:10 out a new suit for him without knowing his size,

10:12 or or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude,

10:15 or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements?

10:20 Or his feelings about little marshmallows?

10:24 Spider-Man, get him Spider-Man.

10:26 Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man,

10:29 The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2099?

10:33 Leonard!

10:34 You know this can go on all night.

10:35 Why don't you just come with us?

10:38 Ugh, that's what I was trying to avoid.

10:42 Oh, I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.

10:48 Oh, what a cute little store.

10:54 Everybody's staring at me.

10:58 [laughter] Don't worry, they're more scared of you than you are of them.

11:03 Unlikely.

11:07 Here, what about this one for my nephew?

11:09 A superb choice.

11:11 Oh, great.

11:11 You provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52

11:14 and is familiar with the reestablishment of the DC Multiverse.

11:20 What's a multiverse?

11:22 Get her out of here.

11:26 [laughter] Come on, I'll help you pick something.

11:28 That's right, she's with us.

11:33 Guys like that are so pathetic.

11:36 Tell me about it.

11:38 Ooh, look, a new Batman belt buckle.

11:43 Who is it?

11:44 Your doom.

11:46 Don't say your doom.

11:47 Who opens the door for their doom?

11:51 [laughter] Good point.

11:51 Basket of puppies.

11:56 [laughter]

11:58 What?

11:57 Uh Sheldon?

12:04 [laughter] Are you Todd Zarnecki?

12:05 Yeah.

12:06 Who are you?

12:07 I'm Sheldor of Azeroth.

12:09 I want my things back.

12:10 I don't think so.

12:11 Let me see that.

12:13 Careful, that's a collectible.

12:14 I know.

12:16 Always wanted one.

12:21 [cheering] [laughter] Well, he's even more cunning than we thought.

12:30 Uh-oh.

12:32 What's the matter?

12:32 Something's wrong.

12:33 I'm not getting any gas.

12:41 Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?

12:44 Of course.

12:45 21st century technology.

12:46 Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine?

12:49 Not a clue.

12:52 All right, we better call somebody to come pick us up.

12:55 So, did you at least get Sheldon's fake stuff back?

12:57 No.

12:58 We failed in our noble quest.

13:00 How come?

13:02 Todd Zarnecki was mean.

13:05 All right, hang on.

13:06 What are you doing?

13:08 Going to show you how we finish a quest in Nebraska.

13:12 [laughter] Now what?

13:17 Get my friend his stuff back.

13:19 I don't know what you're talking about.

13:21 Well, then good news.

13:22 Today's the day a girl's finally going

13:23 to touch you in your LITTLE SPECIAL PLACE.

13:30 [laughter] NOW GIVE HIM HIS STUFF BACK.

13:32 OKAY.

13:33 WE DID IT.

13:35 [laughter]

13:37 I SAID WE.

13:41 [laughter] THIS MOVIE baffles me every time we watch it.

13:46 What do you mean?

13:47 The instructions are very clear.

13:49 Don't feed the Gremlins after midnight.

13:54 [laughter] Don't get the Gremlins wet.

13:57 How hard is that?

14:00 HI GUYS.

14:02 HI HONEY.

14:02 HEY.

14:03 OH, we're honey now, are we?

14:06 Yes, since our relationship became carnal,

14:08 Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment,

14:11 thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie,

14:13 usually in attempt to soften a thinly veiled insult.

14:18 You're boring people, sweetie.

14:21 [laughter] Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.

14:25 So, what are you guys doing?

14:26 Celebrating Columbus Day.

14:28 We're watching Goonies, Gremlins, and Young Sherlock Holmes.

14:31 They're all written by Chris Columbus.

14:35 Okay.

14:36 What do you watch on Thanksgiving?

14:38 The parade.

14:40 [laughter]

14:42 Oh, you know, that reminds me.

14:43 I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving,

14:45 but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial.

14:48 What's he on trial for?

14:50 Oh, just a big misunderstanding.

14:52 You know, you'd actually like my brother.

14:53 He's kind of a chemist.

14:58 Anyway, I was thinking I'd have Thanksgiving here, and you are all invited.

15:01 Uh-huh, I'll be there.

15:02 Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?

15:07 I guess I could serve both.

15:08 You guess?

15:09 You don't seem to have much of a handle on this.

15:14 I really wish I could, Penny, but every year my mother has all

15:17 the relatives over and cooks up her famous turbriskafil.

15:22 Turbriskafil?

15:23 Mhm.

15:24 Turkey stuffed with the brisket, stuffed with gefilte fish.

15:29 It's not as good as it sounds.

15:32 Raj, what about you?

15:33 Oh, he usually comes to my house, right, pal?

15:40 All right, this year you don't have to eat the Turbriskafel.

15:45 I don't even chew it.

15:46 I swallow it like pebbles.

15:49 [laughter] So, what's going on with Raj?

15:52 Well, the good news is he has no problem with my mother's Turbriskafel.

15:57 Hard to believe, but go on.

16:00 The bad news is he says he's getting deported.

16:03 What do you mean he's getting deported?

16:05 I believe it means that the US government

16:06 is going to expel him from the country.

16:09 He could then either return to his native India,

16:11 immigrate to another country that's willing to accept him,

16:13 or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate.

16:17 [laughter] Personally, I'd choose pirate.

16:23 Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?

16:26 Ugh, fine.

16:27 But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.

16:30 Another reason to consider a life of piracy.

16:32 Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.

16:38 Okay, she's gone.

16:44 Sorry, I lost my cool.

16:48 So, what's going on?

16:50 Okay, here's the deal.

16:51 Six months ago, my research testing the predicted

16:54 composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.

16:57 So?

16:58 So, my visa's only good as long as I'm employed at the university.

17:01 And when they find out I've got squat, they're going to cut me off.

17:04 By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly squat.

17:09 I wish I had squat.

17:12 So, wait, what have you been doing for the past 6 months?

17:15 You know, checking email.

17:17 Updating my Facebook status.

17:20 Messing up Wikipedia entries.

17:24 Did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?

17:28 And you've continued to take the university's money under false pretenses.

17:32 Highly unethical for an astrophysicist.

17:34 Well, practically mandatory for a pirate.

17:39 I don't want to go back to India.

17:40 It's hot and loud and there's so many people.

17:47 [laughter] You have no idea.

17:46 They're everywhere.

17:49 Okay, guys, think.

17:51 How do we keep Raj in the country?

17:59 [laughter] Why doesn't he just GET ANOTHER JOB?

18:06 WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?

18:07 I don't know if you can talk now or not.

18:12 [laughter] Okay, I have poach.

18:13 Got it.

18:15 Poq Yep, got it.

18:17 Poqb ah Yep, got it.

18:19 I have cho Got it.

18:21 nech mach Yep.

18:22 and krep loch.

18:25 [laughter]

18:24 Hold on a second.

18:24 Krep loch?

18:25 Yep.

18:26 Isn't Klingon it's Yiddish for meat filled dumpling?

18:30 Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.

18:32 Really?

18:33 Define it.

18:34 Krep loch, a hearty Klingon dumpling.

18:40 [laughter]

18:39 Judges ruling.

18:43 Hey guys, I need to use your TV.

18:45 What's wrong with your TV?

18:46 You don't know.

18:47 It just died.

18:47 I'm getting a bunch of static.

18:49 Did you pay your cable bill?

18:51 You sound just like the cable company.

18:54 All right, so Tyra [laughter] Banks is about

18:55 to kick someone off America's Next Top Model.

18:58 Excuse me, Penny, but we're

19:00 tell her.

19:00 playing Klingon Boggle.

19:03 Oh.

19:03 What do you mean oh?

19:04 Like she didn't know we were nerds?

19:07 All right, if you must watch then mute it with closed captions, please.

19:12 Fine.

19:15 All right, Boggle warriors.

19:23 [laughter] Look at those women.

19:29 They're gorgeous.

19:31 Oh, warf, nice.

19:32 Too bad that's a proper noun.

19:35 Oh, look, there's the future Mrs.

19:37 Wolowitz.

19:39 [laughter] No, wait.

19:39 That's the future Mrs.

19:40 Wolowitz with her head in the lap of What a coincidence, it's the future Mrs.

19:44 Wolowitz.

19:46 [laughter] Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother.

19:51 The current Mrs.

19:52 Wolowitz.

19:55 [laughter] Is hot to be here spelled with a or a co?

20:02 [laughter] Why is that Mrs.

20:02 Wolowitz crying?

20:03 Oh, that's on Ice.

20:04 None of the other girls in the house like her.

20:07 House?

20:07 What house?

20:09 Yeah, we live in a house together.

20:11 A house where?

20:13 I don't know, somewhere in LA.

20:15 Wait a minute.

20:21 You're telling me that I'm within driving

20:23 distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?

20:28 Yeah, I guess.

20:30 And they live together and shower together and have naked pillow fights?

20:40 Wait, where where are you going?

20:41 To pay my cable bill.

20:45 So, Leonard, will we be seeing you

20:46 on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?

20:49 He can't eat cheesecake, he's lactose intolerant.

20:51 Okay, he can have carrot cake.

20:53 What about the cream cheese frosting?

20:54 He can scrape it off.

20:57 Forget about the cake.

20:58 How did you know that my birthday's Saturday?

21:00 I did your horoscope, remember?

21:01 I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon

21:03 went on one of his typical psychotic rants.

21:06 For the record, that psychotic rant was

21:08 a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer,

21:11 who in 1948 proved conclusively through meticulously designed

21:14 experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudo-scientific hokum.

21:18 Blah, blah, blah.

21:19 Typical Taurus.

21:21 [laughter] So seriously, we going to see you Saturday?

21:23 Uh I don't think so.

21:24 Why not?

21:25 I don't celebrate my birthday.

21:26 Shut up.

21:26 Yeah, you do.

21:27 Well, it's no big deal.

21:28 It's just the way I was raised.

21:30 My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled

21:33 from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

21:37 So silly.

21:38 It's actually based on very sound theories.

21:40 His mother published a paper on it.

21:42 Well, what was it called?

21:43 I hate my son and that's why he can't have cake?

21:47 [laughter] It was obviously effective.

21:48 Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist.

21:51 Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

21:56 [laughter] Thank you.

21:57 Well, I love birthdays.

21:59 Waking up to mom's special French toast breakfast,

22:01 wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.

22:06 Yeah, see?

22:06 That's what kids should have.

22:07 Actually, that was last year.

22:13 [laughter] So you really never had a birthday party?

22:16 No, but it was okay.

22:18 I mean, when I was little,

22:19 I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind and surprise me with a party.

22:22 Like this one birthday, I came home from my cello lesson and I

22:25 saw a lot of strange cars parked out front.

22:27 When I got to the door,

22:28 I could hear people whispering and I could smell German chocolate cake,

22:31 which is my favorite.

22:34 And?

22:35 Uh it turns out my grandfather had died.

22:38 Oh my god, that's terrible.

22:41 Well, it was kind of like a birthday party.

22:44 I got to see all my cousins and there was cake,

22:46 so This is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

22:50 You think?

22:51 Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.

22:55 [laughter] Okay, here's the deal.

22:57 We are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass

22:58 surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.

23:00 I hardly think so.

23:01 Leonard made it very clear he doesn't want a party.

23:03 Did someone say party?

23:07 [laughter] HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW HE WANTS ONE CUZ HE'S never had one.

23:10 I suppose that's possible, but for the record,

23:12 I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I want one.

23:18 Howard, here's the difference.

23:19 The possibility exists that Leonard could have

23:21 a birthday party before hell freezes over.

23:25 [laughter] Fine.

23:26 If I do have a threesome, [clears throat] you can't be part of it.

23:30 I'm just kidding.

23:31 Yes, you can.

23:33 Can you bring a friend?

23:37 I think a birthday party is a terrible idea.

23:40 I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.

23:42 Anguish?

23:43 Year after year, I had to endure wearing

23:46 conical hats while being forced into the crowded, sweaty hell of bouncy castles.

23:50 Not to mention being blindfolded and spun toward a grotesque,

23:53 tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.

23:58 Okay, sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal,

24:03 but nevertheless, we're going to throw Leonard a birthday party.

24:06 Have I pointed out that I'm extremely uncomfortable with dancing,

24:08 loud music, and most other forms of ALCOHOL-INDUCED FRIVOLITY?

24:13 NEVERTHELESS, WE'RE GOING TO THROW LEONARD a birthday party.

24:15 Okay, here's the deal.

24:15 You either help me throw Leonard a birthday party or so help me God,

24:16 I will go into your bedroom and unbag all of your most valuable,

24:21 mint condition comic books.

24:22 And on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny happy FACE IN INK.

24:27 [laughter]

24:29 CAN'T DO THAT.

24:29 IF YOU MAKE A MARK on a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.

24:33 Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?

24:35 Well, OF COURSE I OH.

24:39 OKAY, I HAVE AN IDEA.

24:40 LET'S THROW LEONARD A KICK-ASS BIRTHDAY PARTY.

24:45 [laughter] SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE?

24:50 A tale of a woe, perhaps.

24:53 15 years old.

24:54 Dennis Kim is 15 years old and he's already correcting my work.

24:58 Today I went from being a Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to you know, that other guy.

25:04 Antonio Salieri.

25:06 Oh god, now even you're smarter than me.

25:10 You know Sheldon, you don't have so many

25:11 friends that you can afford to start insulting them.

25:15 Just eat Sheldon, you'll feel better.

25:17 Why waste food?

25:19 In Texas when a cow goes dry, they don't keep feeding it.

25:21 They just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.

25:25 I'm confused.

25:26 Did Sheldon stop giving milk?

25:30 [laughter] Don't let this kid get to you.

25:31 You always knew that someday someone would

25:33 come along who is younger and smarter.

25:35 Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years

25:38 and that there'd be an asterisk by his name because he'd be a cyborg.

25:43 So you got a little competition.

25:44 I really don't see what the big deal is.

25:46 Well, of course you don't.

25:47 You've never excelled at anything.

25:51 I don't understand.

25:52 Exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?

25:56 We like Leonard.

26:00 What are you going to do Sheldon?

26:01 Just give up?

26:02 Yes.

26:03 It's what a rational person does when his entire

26:06 life's work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind.

26:11 He ceases his fruitless efforts.

26:12 He donates his body to scientific research and he waits to die.

26:19 You know, I'm confused again.

26:20 Is he waiting or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?

26:24 [laughter] [laughter] That's not the secret knock.

26:41 This is the secret knock.

26:46 What difference does it make?

26:48 The whole point of a secret knock is to establish

26:50 a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators.

26:54 Is that Raj and Howard?

26:55 Possibly, but unverified.

26:58 You just let us in.

26:59 Luckily for you, this is not a nuclear reactor.

27:03 So, what did you get the birthday boy?

27:04 Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition

27:07 Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's definitive Batman,

27:09 and I got him this amazing autograph copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.

27:14 Nice.

27:15 I got him a sweater.

27:18 Okay, well, he might like that.

27:19 I've seen him get chilly.

27:22 Sheldon, I didn't see your present.

27:24 That's because I didn't bring one.

27:26 Well, why not?

27:26 Don't ask.

27:27 The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense, you late.

27:31 Let's say that I go out and I spend $50 on you.

27:34 It's a laborious activity because I have to imagine what you need,

27:37 whereas you know what you need.

27:38 Now, I could simplify things, just give you the $50 directly,

27:42 and then you could give me $50 on my birthday,

27:44 and so on until one of us dies leaving the other one old and $50 richer.

27:51 And I ask you, is it worth it?

27:54 [laughter] Told you not to ask.

27:56 Well, Sheldon, you're his friend.

27:58 Friends give each other presents.

28:00 I accept your premise.

28:01 I reject your conclusion.

28:05 [laughter] Try and telling him it's a non-optional social convention.

28:08 What?

28:09 Just do it.

28:12 It's a non-optional social convention.

28:17 Ah, fair enough.

28:20 [laughter] He came with a manual.

28:26 Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree?

28:28 No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.

28:34 Saturnalia?

28:35 Gather around, kids.

28:37 It's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.

28:42 In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died,

28:46 pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic

28:49 magic intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring.

28:54 This custom was later appropriated by northern Europeans

28:56 and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.

29:01 And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.

29:07 Okay, well, thank you for that, but I

29:09 got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts,

29:10 so I'll just put them under my tree.

29:14 Wait.

29:13 You bought me a present?

29:15 Uh-huh.

29:16 Why would you do such a thing?

29:19 I don't know, cuz it's Christmas.

29:20 Oh, Penny, I know you think you're being generous,

29:23 but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity.

29:26 You haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation.

29:31 Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake.

29:34 My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.

29:40 Okay, it's okay, you don't have to get me anything in return.

29:42 But of course I do.

29:43 The essence of the custom is that I now

29:45 have to go out and purchase for you a gift

29:46 of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level

29:49 of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me.

29:53 No wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.

29:58 Okay, you know what, forget it.

29:58 I'm not giving you a present.

30:00 No, it's too late.

30:00 I see it.

30:01 That elf sticker says to Sheldon.

30:04 The die has been cast.

30:05 The moving finger has writ.

30:07 Hannibal has crossed THE ALPS.

30:11 YOU KNOW IT'S FUNNY WHEN IT'S NOT HAPPENING to us.

30:16 Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.

30:19 No, no, I brought this on myself by being

30:21 such an endearing and important part of your life.

30:25 I'm going to need a ride to the mall.

30:29 It's happening to us.

30:33 All right, that's the last servo.

30:36 Behold, the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator.

30:42 Or MONTY.

30:46 [laughter]

30:46 featuring one articulated razor sharp killing saw,

30:48 one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel,

30:50 steel armor plate exoskeleton top and bottom,

30:53 and enough horsepower to drive 110 pounds of mechanized

30:55 death from zero to holy crap in 4.8 seconds.

31:00 Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?

31:04 As with my father, I both love and fear it.

31:08 All right, enough chitchat.

31:09 Let's destroy something.

31:11 1 2 3 go!

31:13 Okay, what shall be first to taste the wrath of Monty?

31:16 Maybe we should start small.

31:18 Okay.

31:19 Ooh, perhaps today is the day we

31:20 finally find out what's inside the magic 8-ball.

31:25 Did it when I was four.

31:26 It's an icosahedral die floating in tinted blue water.

31:31 Call spoiler alert before you say things like that.

31:34 How about the toaster [laughter] oven?

31:36 What did the toaster oven ever do to you?

31:38 What did I ever do to Jimmy Molens in the third grade?

31:40 He still punched me in the face with my own fist.

31:44 Sorry, you little nerd.

31:45 You were just in the wrong boys' room at the wrong time.

31:49 Gentlemen, goggles.

31:52 Yeah, this is an auspicious moment.

31:54 Yeah, like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong,

31:57 we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.

32:02 How about die, toaster, die?

32:07 [laughter]

32:06 That'll do it.

32:31 [laughter] All right, what's next?

32:33 No, I think I'm just going to stay in tonight AND DO LAUNDRY.

32:39 WELL, THIS IS NICE.

32:40 WE DON'T HAVE A lot of company over.

32:42 That's not true.

32:43 Kuthrapalli and Wolowitz come over all the time.

32:45 Yes, I know.

32:45 But Tuesday night we play Klingon Boggle until 1:00 in the morning.

32:48 Yeah, I remember.

32:49 I resent you saying we don't have company.

32:51 I'm sorry.

32:51 a negative social implication.

32:53 I'M SORRY.

32:55 SO, KLINGON BOGGLE?

32:58 YEAH, it's like regular Boggle, but in Klingon.

33:05 [laughter] That's probably enough about [clears throat] us.

33:07 So, why don't you tell us about you?

33:08 Um me?

33:09 Okay.

33:11 I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.

33:14 Yes, it tells us that you participate

33:16 in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent

33:19 position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time

33:22 of your birth somehow affects your personality.

33:26 [cheering and applause] [laughter] Arbitrarily in the what?

33:29 I think what Sheldon's trying to say is

33:31 that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.

33:34 Oh, yeah.

33:34 A lot of people think I'm a water sign.

33:37 Okay, let's see.

33:38 What else?

33:39 Oh, I'm a vegetarian, but except for fish and the occasional steak.

33:42 I love steak.

33:46 Well, that's interesting.

33:47 Leonard can't process corn.

33:53 Well, do you have some sort of a job?

33:56 Oh, yeah.

33:57 I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

34:00 I love cheesecake.

34:01 You're lactose intolerant.

34:02 eat it.

34:02 I just think it's a good idea.

34:06 Oh, anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay.

34:08 It's about this sensitive girl who comes to LA from Lincoln,

34:11 Nebraska to be an actress and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

34:16 So, it's based on your life.

34:18 No, I'm from Omaha.

34:24 [laughter]

34:24 Well, if that was a movie, I would go see it.

34:26 I know, right?

34:27 Okay, let's see.

34:28 What else?

34:29 Um I guess that's about it.

34:33 That's the story of Penny.

34:35 Well, it sounds wonderful.

34:38 It was.

34:40 Until I fell in love with a jerk.

34:50 We'll just play one-on-one until he gets back.

34:52 One-on-one?

34:53 We don't play one-on-one.

34:54 We play teams, not one-on-one.

34:56 One-on-one.

34:58 Well, the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.

35:03 Oh, sure.

35:03 Cut the foreigner in half.

35:04 There's a billion more where he came from.

35:07 Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.

35:09 Great idea.

35:10 Uh, no.

35:13 The wheel was a great idea.

35:16 Relativity was a great idea.

35:17 This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.

35:21 Why?

35:22 Why?

35:23 Oh, Penny, PENNY, PENNY.

35:24 OH, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

35:27 [laughter] This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve.

35:30 There are myriad weapons, vehicles, and strategies to master,

35:33 not to mention an extremely intricate backstory.

35:36 Oh, cool.

35:37 WHOSE HEAD DID I JUST BLOW OFF?

35:40 MINE.

35:43 [laughter] OKAY, I got this.

35:43 Lock and load, boys.

35:47 [laughter]

35:46 It's the only way we can play teams.

35:48 Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience,

35:51 and not to mention THE FACT THAT HA!

35:52 THERE GOES YOUR HEAD AGAIN.

35:55 OKAY, THAT IS NOT AT ALL GOOD

35:57 SPORTSMANSHIP to shoot somebody who's just respawned.

35:59 You need to give them a chance to now come Raj, Raj, I NEED YOU TO COVER ME.

36:04 COVER THIS, SUCKERS!

36:08 [laughter] PENNY, YOU ARE ON FIRE.

36:09 YEAH, SO IS SHELDON.

36:13 OKAY, THAT'S IT.

36:14 I DON'T KNOW HOW, BUT SHE is cheating.

36:16 No one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.

36:20 Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back.

36:21 You forgot something.

36:22 What?

36:23 THIS PLASMA GRENADE.

36:28 LOOK, IT'S RAINING YOU.

36:32 [laughter] YOU LAUGH NOW.

36:32 YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU NEED TECH SUPPORT.

36:37 It's a big deal.

36:39 There is an awards banquet and a dance afterward.

36:42 Perhaps you'd like to come with me.

36:47 I know the other fellows would be really excited to see a girl there.

36:51 How is it supposed to be a dance if I'm the only girl?

36:53 Well, that may be a slight exaggeration.

36:56 You'd be the only doable girl.

37:02 You're a pig, Howard.

37:04 Is doable anything but a compliment?

37:07 Howard, why don't we just work on the robot?

37:09 Please, Leonard, not now.

37:10 Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango.

37:16 [laughter] Our tango?

37:16 The carnal repartee, the erotic two-and-fro.

37:19 But as delicious as the appetizer might be,

37:22 at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still hot.

37:40 [laughter] I'm begging you, stop talking.

37:42 Look, normally I can just ignore you.

37:45 I mean, I get it.

37:45 You're a little peculiar.

37:46 You know, like Sheldon.

37:47 Excuse me, Penny, but in this room you're the one who's peculiar.

37:52 [laughter] Yeah, you might be right.

37:56 But back to you.

37:57 I know you think you're some sort of smooth-talking ladies' man,

38:00 but the truth is you are just pathetic and creepy.

38:04 Um So, what are you saying?

38:09 [laughter]

38:09 I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable.

38:12 It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say, "Ooh,

38:15 it must be jelly cuz jam don't shake like that." AND MOST IMPORTANT,

38:19 WE ARE NOT dancing in We're not We're not twoing and froing.

38:22 Nothing is ever going to happen between us, ever.

38:26 Wait a minute.

38:27 This isn't flirting.

38:29 You're serious.

38:31 Flirting?

38:32 You think I'm flirting with you?

38:33 I am not flirting with you.

38:35 No woman is ever going to flirt with you.

38:37 You're just going to grow old and die alone.

38:43 Thanks for the heads-up.

38:47 Howard, where are you going?

38:48 I'm going home to live my creepy, pathetic life.

38:55 Wow.

38:56 Well, you Someone had to say it.

39:03 What?

39:04 Uh he said maybe we should enter you in the killer robot competition.

39:14 Hi, can you help me?

39:15 I was writing an email and the A key got stuck.

39:17 Now it's just going ah.

39:21 What did you spill on it?

39:22 Nothing.

39:24 Diet Coke.

39:26 And yogurt.

39:29 [laughter] A little nail polish.

39:30 I'll take a look at it.

39:32 Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news, Fishman, Chen, Chowdry,

39:36 and McNair aren't fielding a team in the University Physics Bowl this year.

39:39 You're kidding.

39:40 Why not?

39:41 They formed a barbershop quartet and got a gig playing Knott's Berry Farm.

39:48 [laughter] Wow, so in your world, you're like the cool guys.

39:52 Recognize.

39:55 Well, this is our year.

39:57 With those guys out, the entire Physics Bowl will kneel before Zod.

40:01 Zod?

40:01 Kryptonian villain, long story.

40:03 Good story.

40:08 [cheering] Well, count me out.

40:09 What?

40:10 Why?

40:11 You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition?

40:14 Would Do ask Picasso to play Pictionary?

40:18 Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle?

40:21 Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?

40:26 [laughter] Come on, you need a four-person team.

40:27 We're four people.

40:29 By that reasoning, we should also play bridge,

40:31 hold up a huppah, and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.

40:35 Uh, tickets to that, please.

40:38 Sheldon, what?

40:39 Do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you?

40:42 No, don't.

40:44 The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.

40:50 Damn it, I'll do it.

40:52 We consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.

40:56 A young woman alone in the big city.

40:59 Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies SHATTERED ABOUT HER.

41:03 HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

41:04 UH, HANG ON, LET'S see where he's going.

41:07 Then it hits her.

41:08 How is she going to survive?

41:09 But she has no prospects, no marketable skills, and then one day,

41:14 she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.

41:22 Hey, I can Hang on, let's see where he's going.

41:26 She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea,

41:31 which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.

41:34 That is ridiculous.

41:35 Oh, is it?

41:36 Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why

41:38 this woman hangs out with us all the time.

41:45 Okay, you know what?

41:45 I've already mooched dinner off you guys.

41:47 I don't need to listen to this.

41:49 There's your answer, free food.

41:53 Uh, Giselle's not getting kicked off.

41:55 It's totally going to be Summer.

41:58 [laughter] WHAT?

42:00 SHELDON'S ONION RING, JUST PUT IT BACK.

42:02 It's one onion ring.

42:04 it back before he comes.

42:05 Oh.

42:06 No, no, no, I don't think that's where it was.

42:08 Okay, here he comes.

42:09 [laughter] Don't look at him.

42:09 People, wall of silence.

42:16 [laughter] Who touched my food?

42:17 PENNY DID IT.

42:21 WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

42:23 I DON'T KNOW.

42:23 I was hungry.

42:24 What's the big deal?

42:25 The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.

42:29 All right, look, I didn't know.

42:30 I'm sorry.

42:31 Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.

42:37 What?

42:38 You have two strikes.

42:41 [laughter]

42:40 Three strikes and you're out.

42:44 It's a sports metaphor.

42:47 A sports metaphor?

42:48 Yes, baseball.

42:52 All right, yeah, I'll I'll play along.

42:53 What was my first strike?

42:55 March 18th, you violated my rule about forwarding email humor.

43:00 I did?

43:01 I trusted you with my email address and you

43:03 betrayed that trust by sending me internet banalities.

43:05 Strike one.

43:08 Touching my food, strike two.

43:12 Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.

43:16 You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

43:20 Come on, I TOUCHED ONE onion ring.

43:23 And then you put it back,

43:25 compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.

43:29 Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?

43:35 Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you,

43:37 but since you've become a permanent member of our social group,

43:40 I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.

43:43 Congratulations, you're officially one of us.

43:47 One of us.

43:48 One of us.

43:51 Well, what a thrill.

43:53 You're sitting in my spot.

43:54 Oh, jeez.

43:55 You've got to be kidding me.

43:56 Leonard, she's in my spot.

43:58 Yeah, yeah, uh I don't care.

44:00 I'm taking a stand.

44:01 All right, that's it.

44:03 Strike three.

44:04 Ooh, strike three.

44:06 I'M BANISHED?

44:07 WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?

44:11 Don't worry, I'll talk to him.

44:12 Yeah, you do that.

44:13 Just so I know, would you be open to taking HIS CLASS?

44:16 MY GOD, you are grown men.

44:19 How can you waste your lives with these stupid

44:21 toys and costumes and comic books and AND NOW THAT?

44:25 THAT AGAIN, time machine.

44:30 [laughter] Oh, please, it's not a time machine.

44:31 If anything, it looks like something

44:32 Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

44:38 [cheering] [laughter] It only moves in time.

44:43 It would be worse than useless in a swamp.

44:49 [laughter] Pathetic.

44:52 All of you, completely pathetic.

45:00 My turn.

45:06 [laughter]

45:10 What are you doing?

45:12 I'm packing up all my collectibles and taking

45:14 them down to the comic book store to sell.

45:17 Was that really necessary?

45:19 If you need money, you can always sell blood.

45:24 [laughter] And semen.

45:26 It's not about money.

45:28 We brought food.

45:29 Lox and bagels, the breakfast of time travelers.

45:33 Terrific.

45:33 Does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine?

45:35 Why?

45:36 So I don't want it anymore.

45:38 Why?

45:38 Just personal reasons.

45:40 My spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.

45:45 [laughter] Do you want to buy me out or not?

45:46 I'll give you $100, which will make me half owner,

45:49 and we'll put it on my balcony.

45:50 Screw his balcony.

45:51 I'll give you $120 and we'll put it in my garage.

45:53 I paid $200 for my share.

45:55 Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its

45:57 value the minute you drive it off the lot.

46:00 I'll go for 200.

46:01 That time machine stays right where it is.

46:03 300 and I'll throw in my original 1979

46:06 Mattel Millennium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.

46:09 No.

46:10 No more toys or action figures or props or replicas

46:14 or costumes or robots or Darth Vader voice changers.

46:17 I'm getting rid of all of it.

46:19 You can't do that.

46:20 Look what you've created here.

46:21 It's like nerdvana.

46:24 [laughter]

46:27 MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU HAVE A Darth Vader voice changer?

46:32 Not for long.

46:33 Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.

46:35 Hey, hang on.

46:35 I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.

46:38 Too bad.

46:38 I call dibs.

46:38 You can't just call dibs.

46:39 I can.

46:40 I did look up dibs on Wikipedia.

46:43 Dibs doesn't apply in a bidding war.

46:45 It's not a bidding war.

46:47 I'm selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.

46:49 Why Larry?

46:49 Did Larry call dibs?

46:50 Well, you forget dibs.

46:52 [laughter]

46:52 He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.

46:54 What's the number?

46:55 I'll match it.

46:56 I'll match it for a thousand rupees.

46:59 What's the exchange rate?

47:00 None of your business.

47:01 Take it or leave it.

47:03 Mom, I borrowed my severance bonds.

47:04 How much do I got?

47:07 [laughter] Thanks.

47:06 I can go $2,600 and two trees in Israel.

47:11 [laughter] Forget it, guys.

47:12 If I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.

47:15 Who cares as long as you pick me?

47:19 [laughter]

47:19 Okay, Leonard.

47:19 Put down the box.

47:20 Let's talk.

47:21 Sorry, Raj.

47:21 My mind is made up.

47:23 No.

47:24 I can't let you do this.

47:28 [laughter]

47:27 Sheldon, get out of my way.

47:32 None shall pass.

47:36 [laughter] Okay.

47:39 I did not want to do this, but I

47:41 have here the rare mint condition production error Star Trek:

47:45 The Next Generation Geordi La Forge without his visor in the original packaging.

47:50 If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.

47:56 [laughter] Okay, man.

47:56 Be cool.

47:58 We're all FRIENDS HERE.

48:01 THE HELL'S GOING ON?

48:02 YOU HYPOCRITE.

48:05 WHAT?

48:05 Little miss grown-ups don't play with toys.

48:08 If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies?

48:11 Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies?

48:15 And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts?

48:18 Hello Hello Kitty.

48:24 [laughter] Okay.

48:24 Okay.

48:24 Look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said.

48:28 I was just upset.

48:29 No, I needed to hear it.

48:30 No, you didn't.

48:31 Look, you are a great guy and it is

48:33 the things you love that make you who you are.

48:36 I guess that makes me large breasts.

48:43 [laughter]

48:43 Still, I think it's time for me to get rid of this stuff and, you know,

48:47 move on with my life.

48:49 Really?

48:50 Yeah.

48:51 Oh.

48:52 Well, good for you.

48:55 Thanks.

48:59 Hey, do you want to I don't know, later?

49:01 Excuse me.

49:03 Hey, Penny.

49:04 Hi, Mike.

49:04 You ready to go?

49:05 Yeah, I just have to change.

49:06 I'll give you a hand.

49:08 Oh, STOP IT.

49:09 BYE, GUYS.

49:15 My turn on the time machine.

49:19 [laughter]

49:19 Well, ever since I met Penny, I've been envious of her looks.

49:22 Aw, thank you.

49:24 That's why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.

49:27 WHAT?

49:28 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

49:29 YOU WERE STILL HOT, BUT MORE like a why'd

49:30 that hot girl cut off all her hair hot.

49:34 But you liked my short hair, right?

49:36 Yeah, I loved it.

49:39 Love you, love the hair, would love to CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

49:44 SERIOUSLY, NONE OF YOU LIKED IT?

49:48 I thought it was brave.

49:49 Does that count AS LIKING IT?

49:53 [laughter] YOU KNOW, HOW COME NOBODY'S TALKING ABOUT HOWARD'S DOPEY HAIRCUT?

50:00 [laughter]

50:00 I THINK HE LOOKS CUTE.

50:01 I think you're cute.

50:02 I think you're both cute.

50:03 I think I hate all of you nerds.

50:07 6-2 inch dowels?

50:08 Check.

50:09 One package Phillips head screws?

50:11 Check.

50:11 You guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm.

50:13 Okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like 12.

50:16 I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media center.

50:18 No, please, we insist.

50:20 It's the least we can do considering.

50:21 Which considering what?

50:23 How great this place looks?

50:26 Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.

50:28 What?

50:29 These instructions are a pictographic representation

50:31 of the least imaginative way to assemble these components.

50:34 This right here is why Sweden has no space program.

50:38 [snorts] Well, it it looked pretty good in the store.

50:40 Well, it is an inefficient design.

50:41 For example, Penny has a flat screen TV,

50:43 which means all all the space behind it is wasted.

50:45 We could put a stereo back there.

50:47 And control it how?

50:48 Run an infrared repeater.

50:50 Photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.

50:53 [laughter]

50:53 Good point.

50:54 How you going to cool it?

50:55 Hey guys, I got this.

50:56 Yeah, hang on, Penny.

50:57 How about fans here and here?

51:00 Also inefficient and might be loud.

51:02 liquid cooling?

51:02 Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter-inch PVC.

51:06 Guys, this is actually really simple.

51:09 Hold on, honey, men at work.

51:12 [laughter]

51:13 PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.

51:16 Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray,

51:18 a sluice, and an overflow reservoir.

51:20 If water's involved, we're going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.

51:23 Guys, it's hot in here.

51:24 I think I'll just take off all my clothes.

51:33 [laughter]

51:32 Oh, I've got it.

51:34 What about if we replace pedals A, B,

51:36 and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminum?

51:39 Right, then the entire thing's one big heat sink.

51:41 Perfect.

51:41 Leonard, why don't you and Sheldon go down to the junkyard

51:43 and pick up about 6 square meters of scrap aluminum.

51:45 Raj and I will run down to my lab and get the oxyacetylene torch.

51:47 in an hour?

51:48 Done.

51:48 Got it.

51:53 Okay, this place does look pretty good.

51:56 Uh hey guys, guys, you will really appreciate this.

51:59 I read the best science joke on the internet.

52:01 Alicia, you won't get it, but it's right up your alley.

52:04 Anyway, so this physicist goes into an ice

52:07 cream parlor every week and orders an ice

52:08 cream sundae for himself and then offers one

52:10 to the empty stool sitting next to him.

52:12 This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing.

52:15 The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist and quantum mechanics teaches us that it

52:23 is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously

52:26 turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer

52:29 and fall in love with me." The owner then says,

52:31 "Well, lots of single beautiful women come in here every day.

52:33 Why don't you buy an ice cream for one of them

52:35 and they might fall in love with you?" And the physicist says,

52:38 "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?" [laughter] [laughter]

52:46 It's a little insulting, don't you think?

52:49 How would I know?

52:50 I'm not even sure I GET IT.

52:53 [laughter] HERE you go.

52:55 Pad thai no peanut.

52:56 Does it have peanut oil?

52:57 I'm not sure.

52:59 Everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.

53:03 Since it's not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.

53:07 Are there any chopsticks?

53:08 You don't need chopsticks.

53:09 This is Thai food.

53:10 Here we go.

53:11 Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the 19th century.

53:14 Interestingly, they don't actually put the fork in their mouth.

53:16 They use it to put the food on a spoon, which then goes into their mouth.

53:21 Ask him for a napkin.

53:22 I dare you.

53:25 I'll get it.

53:26 Do I look puffy?

53:27 I feel puffy.

53:30 Hey Leonard.

53:30 Oh, hi Penny.

53:31 Am I interrupting?

53:32 No, you're not swelling, Howard.

53:34 No, no, look at my fingers.

53:35 They're like Vienna sausages.

53:37 Sounds like you have company.

53:39 They're not going anywhere.

53:42 [laughter] So, you're coming home from work.

53:43 That's great.

53:43 How was work?

53:44 Well, you know, it's a Cheesecake Factory.

53:46 People order cheesecake and I bring it to them.

53:48 So, you kind of act as like a carbohydrate delivery system.

53:55 Yeah, call it whatever you want.

53:56 I get minimum wage.

53:59 [laughter] Yeah.

54:00 Um, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something.

54:02 I'm kind of Oh.

54:04 Okay, great.

54:05 I'm having some furniture delivered tomorrow and I may not be here, so Oh.

54:10 Hello.

54:13 [laughter] Do you want to thank the guy who washed you?

54:16 I'm sorry?

54:17 Haven't you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?

54:20 No, I haven't.

54:21 Get used to it.

54:23 Yeah, I probably won't.

54:26 Hey Sheldon.

54:27 Hi.

54:27 Hey Raj.

54:31 Still not talking to me, huh?

54:32 Don't take it personally.

54:33 It's his pathology.

54:34 He can't talk to women.

54:36 He can't talk to attractive women or in your case, a cheesecake scented goddess.

54:41 So, there's going to be some furniture delivered?

54:43 Yeah, yeah.

54:44 If it gets here and I'm not here tomorrow,

54:45 could you just uh sign for it and have them put them in my apartment?

54:47 Yeah, no problem.

54:48 Great.

54:49 Here's my spare key.

54:50 Thank you.

54:53 Penny, wait.

54:54 Yeah.

54:55 Um If you don't have any other plans,

54:59 do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?

55:02 A marathon?

55:03 Wow, how many Superman movies are there?

55:06 You're kidding, right?

55:08 Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls

55:10 from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her.

55:13 Which one was that?

55:16 One.

55:16 You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.

55:20 Yes, I know men can't fly.

55:21 No, no, let's assume that they can.

55:25 Lois Lane is falling,

55:26 accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second.

55:29 Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel.

55:32 Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour,

55:36 hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.

55:42 [laughter] Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.

55:45 In what space, sir?

55:46 In what space?

55:46 She's two feet above the ground.

55:49 Yeah, frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement.

55:51 It'd be a more merciful death.

55:53 Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption

55:58 that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.

56:00 Are you listening to yourself?

56:01 It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.

56:04 It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings,

56:06 an ability he derives from exposure to Earth's yellow sun.

56:09 And you don't have a problem with that?

56:10 How does he fly at night?

56:11 A combination of the moon's solar reflection

56:13 and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.

56:18 [cheering] I'M JUST GOING TO GO WASH UP.

56:19 I HAVE 2600 comic books in there.

56:22 I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.

56:25 CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

56:30 WE'RE LOCKED OUT.

56:32 ALSO, the pretty girl left.

56:35 [laughter] Okay, thanks.

56:36 Hang on, hang on.

56:37 Do you not realize what we just did?

56:39 Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.

56:42 Uh no, we turned our stereo down by sending

56:44 a signal around the world via the internet.

56:47 Oh, you know you can just get one of those universal remotes at RadioShack.

56:50 They're really cheap.

56:53 You don't get it.

56:54 Howard, enable public access.

56:56 Public access enabled.

57:02 Boy, that's terrific, but I'll see you.

57:03 No, hang on, HANG ON.

57:07 SEE?

57:10 NO.

57:11 SOMEONE IN SICHUAN PROVINCE,

57:13 China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.

57:19 Well, that's handy.

57:21 Um here's a question, why?

57:25 Because we can.

57:28 They found the REMOTE CONTROL CARS.

57:31 [laughter] WELL, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT'S ON TOP OF THEM?

57:35 Wireless webcams.

57:35 Wave hello.

57:37 The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas,

57:40 and the blue viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.

57:45 [laughter] You may want to put ON SLACKS.

57:48 WHAT?

57:52 EW, STOP IT.

57:53 NO, LEAVE ME ALONE.

57:58 [laughter] WHO'S RUNNING THE RED CORVETTE?

58:00 THAT WOULD BE ME.

58:02 OKAY, let me guess.

58:03 Quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose intolerant Leonard.

58:06 Thank you.

58:07 Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly

58:09 allergic kosher only on the high holidays Howard.

58:12 And for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meat lovers pizza no meat.

58:19 Coming right up.

58:21 Wait, excuse me.

58:22 You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger,

58:24 barbecue sauce, bacon, and cheese on the side.

58:27 Oh, I didn't tell you?

58:28 You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.

58:30 [laughter] Why?

58:33 Well, you have three strikes.

58:37 [laughter]

58:36 One coming in, two sitting down, and three, I don't like your attitude.

58:41 You can't do that.

58:42 Not only is it a violation of California state law,

58:44 it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.

58:47 Yeah, no, there's a new policy.

58:49 No shoes, no shirt, no shelter.

58:53 I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.

59:00 [music] [music]