The Ones with Phoebe’s Silly Side Quests | Friends

0:00 Okay, okay, okay, you.

0:01 Here, come here.

0:02 Here.

0:02 Okay.

0:03 You're going to take this tray, you're going to stand on this yellow mark.

0:05 You're going to move on action.

0:07 You're going to walk over to the operating table,

0:08 you're going to stop on that blue mark, you're going to put the tray down.

0:10 Don't walk too fast.

0:13 But don't dawdle.

0:16 Okay, but now what?

0:18 And action.

0:27 Cut, cut.

0:28 I'm sorry.

0:29 I'm sorry.

0:30 I'm sorry.

0:30 I'm just a little nervous.

0:31 Yeah, well, don't be.

0:33 Okay, that helps.

0:36 And action.

0:43 Cut.

0:44 Hey, you know what?

0:45 Don't worry about it, Pheebs.

0:45 Usually it takes me three takes, too.

0:48 All right, eight.

0:51 And action.

1:17 Somebody say Uh well, he can be a little rough around the edges,

1:22 so I'm going to replace a word he used a lot with the word puppy.

1:29 Okay.

1:29 So, he said, "If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together,

1:34 I am going to fire her mother puppy ass." I'm sorry.

1:39 I can't do this.

1:39 I'm just not an actor.

1:41 That's right.

1:42 You're not.

1:42 You're a nurse.

1:44 You're nurse with tray.

1:45 Uh Joey No, no, nurse with tray doesn't know Joey.

1:48 She doesn't have time for friends.

1:49 She gets in that operating room,

1:51 and she carries that tray to the doctor, because if she doesn't, people die.

1:56 Who dies?

1:57 Man with eye patch.

1:59 Now, you get in there, and you do your job.

2:02 Yes, doctor.

2:06 Okay.

2:05 Okay, let's try this one more time.

2:08 Hang in there, man with eye patch.

2:10 Your tray is coming.

2:14 And action.

2:22 YES, I DID IT.

2:23 I NAILED IT.

2:26 WHAT'S NEXT?

2:27 THE REST OF THE SCENE.

2:31 OKAY, FROM THE TOP, PEOPLE.

2:35 HEY.

2:36 HEY.

2:37 WOW, IT is true what they say.

2:38 Pregnant bellies look like a drum.

2:43 Uh-huh.

2:44 It's I'm so pregnant that I my guitar doesn't fit anymore.

2:48 So, I thought till I'm not, I'm just going to play all my songs on this drum.

2:52 It sounds really cool.

2:54 Listen, listen.

2:58 Smelly cat Smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

3:11 Oh, Pheebs, that sounds great.

3:12 I know.

3:13 I know, and I've only been playing for like an hour.

3:16 Ugh, I hate this year.

3:18 What's wrong with this year?

3:20 It's already February, and I've only given two massages,

3:23 and they were both the worst tippers in the world.

3:26 That was me and Ross.

3:30 Oh, that's right.

3:32 Hey, you know, if you want to pick up some extra cash,

3:34 some friends of mine made good money in college doing uh telemarketing.

3:38 Yeah, it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had.

3:41 You know, I probably won't have to say spank as much.

3:48 What?

3:50 Oh, yeah, like you never called.

3:59 So, basically, this is very easy.

4:01 You read from the script, and you try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.

4:05 Okay, I can do that.

4:07 Oh, by the way, I love my office.

4:11 Why don't we do a trial run?

4:12 Oh, okay.

4:14 Um All right.

4:18 Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.

4:21 Can I speak to your supply manager, please?

4:23 I'm the supply manager.

4:24 Um okay, I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs.

4:27 We don't need any toner.

4:28 Oh, okay.

4:29 Well, I'm sorry to bother you.

4:30 Goodbye.

4:32 Oh, you're right.

4:32 This is easy.

4:34 Okay, what was wrong with that call?

4:36 Oh, well, all right.

4:38 Um no offense, but you were kind of rude.

4:43 They're always going to tell you they don't need toner, but that's okay,

4:46 because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in the script.

4:50 Oh.

4:51 So, I think you're ready to sell toner.

4:53 Do you have any last questions?

4:56 No.

4:56 Oh, wait, yes, I do.

4:57 I do have one question.

4:59 What is toner?

5:00 Like took care of everything.

5:01 Thanks a lot, co-host.

5:04 Wait a minute.

5:05 Take care of everything?

5:06 There's there's plenty of things for you to do.

5:08 Uh-huh, like what?

5:10 Cups.

5:13 Cups?

5:13 You're giving me cups?

5:15 And ice?

5:18 Cups and ice?

5:18 Oh, I get to be in charge of cups and ice?

5:21 All right.

5:23 Fine, okay, I will be in charge of cups and ice.

5:27 Wait a minute.

5:27 I get ice at the restaurant.

5:28 I GOT IT GOING.

5:33 HEY, CHECK IT OUT.

5:35 UM CUP HAT, cup banner, cup chandelier,

5:38 and the thing that started it all, the cup.

5:42 Great job with the cups, Pheebs.

5:45 Why don't you just go out with her?

5:49 And did you notice the ice?

5:51 Look, we have it all.

5:52 We have crushed, cubed, and dry.

5:55 Watch.

5:56 Ah, mystical.

6:04 I don't know who's eating my Tuscan finger food,

6:07 because they're all filling up on Phoebe's snow cones.

6:09 They're snow cones?

6:10 You want my tin foil hat?

6:12 No, cuz you need that.

6:14 No, it's okay, thanks.

6:15 Please, let me do something.

6:18 Okay, all right, I'll tell you what.

6:19 You buy me a soda, and then we're even.

6:23 Keep the change.

6:26 Thanks, Lizzie.

6:27 Sure you don't want a pretzel?

6:28 No, I'm fine, thanks.

6:30 See you.

6:37 Huh.

6:39 A thumb?

6:43 I know.

6:43 I know.

6:44 I opened it up, and there it was,

6:45 just floating in there like this tiny little hitchhiker.

6:50 Well, maybe it's a contest, you know, like collect all five.

6:55 I WON.

6:57 I WON.

6:57 I FINALLY WON.

6:59 I WON THAT WITH MY QUARTER.

7:01 All right, here, take a hike, toe.

7:05 Excuse me, sir.

7:06 This lady played my quarter.

7:08 This is my money.

7:09 Is that true, miss?

7:12 She sells drugs to kids.

7:13 What?

7:15 She sells drugs to kids.

7:19 It was my quarter.

7:21 Was it her quarter?

7:23 How about we talk about this over dinner?

7:26 Okay, lady, you're out of here.

7:28 NO.

7:28 NO, YOU CAN'T ARREST ME.

7:29 NO, DON'T GO BACK.

7:30 DON'T GO BACK TO THAT HELLHOLE.

7:34 JUST TAKING YOU OUTSIDE.

7:36 OH, OKAY.

7:48 Are you going to play?

7:49 No.

7:49 No, I don't really have any money.

7:52 Not yet, anyway.

7:57 Can't sit here if you're not going to play.

8:13 Hello.

8:14 My name is Regina Phalange.

8:18 I'm a business woman in town on business.

8:21 Would you like to see my card?

8:23 Oh, what did I do with my file effects?

8:25 I must have left it in conference room B.

8:29 Okay.

8:29 Hit me.

8:31 Oh my god.

8:32 May I just say that you two gentlemen have the exact same hands?

8:38 They're identical.

8:39 Now, I've never seen anything like that in the business world.

8:44 Stop it.

8:46 Uh Miss Phalange, may I ask you a question as an impartial person at this table?

8:51 Please, stop it.

8:55 Uh wouldn't you pay good money to see these identical

8:58 hands showcased in some type of a entertainment venue, huh?

9:03 If you leave now, I will chop off my hand and give it to you.

9:10 Didn't I just throw you out of here?

9:12 No, you threw out Phoebe.

9:14 I'm Regina Phalange.

9:16 Phalange.

9:18 Come on, lady.

9:19 Please, please take him, too.

9:21 Me?

9:22 Oh, come on, man.

9:24 Whoa, whoa, whoa, look.

9:25 I know my life's gone pretty well, but I look around,

9:27 and I just see so many people who have accomplished

9:30 so many of their goals by the time they're 30.

9:32 Yeah, but you shouldn't compare yourself to me.

9:40 THERE YOU GO.

9:47 I DID IT.

9:49 ONE MILE ON A HIPPITY HOP.

9:51 That's it.

9:52 THAT'S EVERYTHING I WANTED TO DO BEFORE I was 30.

9:55 Except I wanted to patch things up with my sister.

9:58 OH, WELL.

9:58 BUT YAY!

10:01 AND AND GIRLS, THIS THING IS A GODSEND, if you know what I mean.

10:12 This is my real father.

10:14 And I just I want things to be like just right.

10:17 Yeah, Phoebe, I completely understand.

10:20 whatever you need.

10:22 Hey.

10:23 You want to go home?

10:24 Okay.

10:25 Thanks.

10:25 Sorry again.

10:46 What was that?

10:50 Uh I'm guessing the threshold's clear now.

10:56 Hey.

10:58 Hey, Pheebs.

10:58 Oh, hey.

10:59 How's the dog?

10:59 Yeah.

11:00 Okay, I talked to the vet.

11:01 People are so nice upstate.

11:04 Anyway, he said that the little fellow is going

11:05 to be okay and I can pick him up tomorrow.

11:07 Oh, good.

11:08 Oh my god.

11:08 Yeah.

11:09 Yeah, but he did have to have like a bunch of stitches and he

11:12 said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back.

11:15 So Pheebs, you got a second?

11:19 Sure.

11:20 Yeah.

11:20 Ever since you uh told me that story about that bike,

11:24 I couldn't stop thinking about it.

11:26 I mean, everyone should have a first bike, you know?

11:28 So Oh my god, what?

11:37 You like it?

11:37 I love it!

11:39 Yeah.

11:39 Oh, oh and I love you.

11:44 Uh Not that way.

11:46 But the bike got you a lot closer.

11:48 Well, well, take it downstairs, you know, give it a test drive.

11:53 Okay.

11:54 Oh my god, my first bike.

11:57 Thank you for the best present I've ever gotten.

12:01 You're welcome.

12:05 Oh, and Chandler's about to cry.

12:09 I'm not.

12:14 Okay, now just remember everything I taught you and you'll be fine, okay?

12:18 Here we go.

12:19 Ready?

12:20 Set.

12:21 Wait, this seat is really uncomfortable.

12:25 Maybe before we start, we should just get another one.

12:27 Perhaps like an airplane seat or a bean bag chair.

12:32 Phoebe, you can't get out of this, okay?

12:34 You have to learn how to ride a bike.

12:36 Why?

12:37 Why do I have to learn?

12:40 Well, in in case of an emergency.

12:43 What kind of emergency?

12:45 Well, what if a man comes along and puts a gun to your head and says,

12:49 "You ride this bike or I'll I'll shoot you." Okay,

12:56 I would ring the bell to distract him and then I would

12:58 knock the gun out of his hand with the Chinese throwing star.

13:03 Okay, Phoebe.

13:04 Just just get get on the bike and hey, I'll hold you up and and push it, okay?

13:11 You won't let go?

13:13 No.

13:14 You swear?

13:14 I swear.

13:18 Okay.

13:18 Come on.

13:22 All right, here we go.

13:24 All right?

13:24 All right.

13:25 All right?

13:25 Feel good?

13:26 Well All right, try pedaling.

13:28 That's it, you're doing great.

13:29 You're doing great.

13:30 Yes, yes, yes, take control.

13:31 Yes.

13:31 Whee!

13:32 HEY!

13:34 OH, OH, OH, NO!

13:39 YOU SWORE!

13:41 I I JUST THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING SO WELL.

13:42 I I STOP.

13:44 STOP.

13:50 IT'S A LEGITIMATE LEARNING TECHNIQUE.

13:54 WOW.

13:59 OH, HELLO, LIAR.

14:04 LOOK, I'm I'm really sorry I let go of the bike.

14:08 I could have been killed, I hope you know.

14:12 I know.

14:13 I know.

14:16 But can we please try it again, huh?

14:18 I mean, you were so close, Phoebe.

14:20 Well, I would love to, but the bike got stolen and the police have no suspects.

14:33 Phoebe.

14:34 What?

14:38 What the hell?

14:41 All right, you know what?

14:42 If you are not going to learn how to ride this bike, then I'm sorry.

14:46 I'm just going to have to take it back.

14:47 What?

14:48 Why?

14:49 Because because it's it's It'd be like you

14:53 having this guitar and and never playing it.

14:58 Okay, this guitar wants to be played.

15:01 And and this bike wants to be ridden and and if you don't ride it,

15:07 you you you killing its spirit.

15:13 The bike is dying.

15:21 All right.

15:22 You care enough to make up that load of crap, okay.

15:26 Great, great.

15:30 You're making the bike very happy.

15:32 Okay, Ross.

15:36 Please don't talk.

15:44 I can't believe it, I did it.

15:46 I rode a bike.

15:48 I never thought I'd be able to do that.

15:50 Thank you, Ross.

15:51 Oh, hey, don't thank me, thank yourself.

15:54 You're the one who faced your fears and ultimately overcame them.

15:58 Don't be so corny, Ross.

15:59 It's not an after-school special.

16:07 Oh.

16:08 Oh, ma'am, excuse me, ma'am.

16:10 Yes.

16:11 You can't put your cigarette out on a tree.

16:13 Yeah, I can.

16:14 It worked real well.

16:16 No, but you shouldn't.

16:17 So don't ever do that again.

16:19 I won't.

16:20 Till I have my next cigarette.

16:23 Hold it.

16:24 NYPD, freeze, punk.

16:26 What?

16:28 That's right.

16:29 You are so busted.

16:32 Uh book 'em.

16:35 Who were you talking to?

16:36 Save it, Red.

16:38 Unless you want to spend the night in the slammer, you apologize to the tree.

16:42 I am not going to apologize to a tree.

16:45 You apologize to the tree right now or I am calling for backup.

16:51 BACKUP!

16:52 BACKUP!

16:53 I'M I'M SORRY.

16:54 SORRY.

16:55 OKAY, CANCEL BACKUP.

16:56 CANCEL BACKUP.

16:57 I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

16:58 What we want, honey.

17:00 No, no, you don't want this.

17:01 No.

17:02 I want to have your grandmother's cookie recipe.

17:05 You mean the chocolate chip cookie recipe?

17:07 Uh-huh.

17:07 Yeah.

17:08 You mean the one that my grandmother made me swear

17:10 on her deathbed that I would never let out of our family?

17:14 Dying people say the craziest things.

17:19 I've wanted it for years.

17:20 I was going to make cookies for my children.

17:23 Break my heart.

17:25 Oh, all right.

17:26 Okay, I don't have the recipe, but here.

17:31 I wish you health and happiness.

17:34 An old cookie?

17:36 This is what happens when you don't register for gifts.

17:40 See, no, I I made a batch and I froze it and this is the only one left.

17:45 We can't accept this.

17:47 Why not?

17:49 Cuz it's gross.

17:52 No, wait.

17:53 I think I can figure out the recipe from this cookie.

17:55 I do stuff like this at work all the time.

17:57 Really?

17:57 Yeah, I think I can do it.

17:58 Oh, yay!

18:00 I I definitely taste nutmeg.

18:02 You do?

18:04 You don't?

18:06 Well, that's the difference between a professional and a layman.

18:10 That and arrogance.

18:14 Hey.

18:15 Hey.

18:16 How was sailing?

18:17 I don't want to talk about it.

18:20 You know, you could have at least saved me a WHOLE COOKIE.

18:23 NO, WHAT DID YOU WOMEN ARE MEAN!

18:33 I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.

18:35 LOOK, NOW THE only thing that's left of my grandmother's legacy is this crumb.

18:42 I wish you a long and happy marriage.

18:46 Here's batch 22.

18:48 Uh maybe these will taste like your grandmother's.

18:50 This has a little bit of orange peel, but no nutmeg.

18:53 Let's give it a shot.

18:54 Okay.

18:55 I haven't made this many cookies since I was in the ninth grade.

18:57 Uh what was that for?

18:59 Like a bake sale?

19:00 No, just a Friday night.

19:06 Mhm.

19:07 These are pretty good.

19:08 Yeah, but not as good as batch 17.

19:11 Which one was that?

19:12 The ones we had right after you almost threw up.

19:15 Oh, yeah, batch 17 was good.

19:18 I did not like batch 16.

19:22 I'm okay.

19:25 Are there any more from the good batch cuz we could just work off of those.

19:28 Yeah, well, yeah, I think there's one from batch 17 left.

19:32 Uh Batch 16, 16 people get out of the way!

19:40 It would actually make my grandma really happy

19:42 to know that we're trying to figure out her recipe.

19:45 I bet she's looking up at us and smiling right now.

19:51 Looking up?

19:53 Oh, yeah.

19:54 No, she was really nice to me, but she's in hell for sure.

20:00 Well, I've tried everything.

20:01 I give up.

20:02 I guess I'm not going to be the mom

20:03 who makes the world's best chocolate chip cookies.

20:05 I do make the best duck confit with broccoli rabe.

20:10 Kids love that, right?

20:13 Oh, Pheebs, come on.

20:15 There isn't there any relative that would have the recipe?

20:17 What about What about your sister?

20:19 Oh, no, no.

20:20 No.

20:20 I made a promise to myself that the next time

20:22 I would talk to Ursula is over my dead body.

20:27 And that's not happening till October 15th, 2032.

20:31 That's the day you're going to die.

20:33 See, darn it, I've got shuffleboard that day.

20:38 That's what you think.

20:43 Well, I mean, what about friends of your grandmother's?

20:45 Wouldn't they have the recipe?

20:46 Well, you know, I I may have relatives in France who would know.

20:50 My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, Nestlé Toulouse.

20:58 What was her name?

20:59 Nestlé Toulouse.

21:04 Nestlé Toll House?

21:12 You Americans always butcher the French language.

21:16 Phoebe, is this THE RECIPE?

21:21 YES!

21:25 OH.

21:27 I CANNOT believe that I just spent the last 2 days trying

21:31 to figure out that recipe and it was in my cupboard the whole time.

21:33 I know!

21:35 You see, it is stuff like this WHICH IS WHY YOU'RE BURNING IN HELL!

21:41 BRONTë SISTERS WERE REALLY REMARKABLE women for their time.

21:44 They lived in a patriarchal society.

21:47 Sorry I'm late, but I left late.

21:50 Okay.

21:52 So, Pheebs, what is the book about?

21:55 I thought you said you read it in high school.

21:56 Well, yeah, but then I remembered I started it and then there was

21:59 this pep rally and I was I was on top of the pyramid.

22:02 But anyway, um what's the book about?

22:05 Okay, it's this tragic love story between

22:08 Cathy and Heathcliff and um it takes place

22:11 on these like really creepy moors in England

22:13 which I think represent the wildness of Heathcliff's character.

22:18 I totally get symbolism.

22:21 How would you characterize the theme of this book?

22:24 Uh let's see, Rachel Green.

22:30 Um well, I would have to say that it's a it's a tragic love story.

22:36 Well, that's sort of a given, but yes.

22:40 Anyone else?

22:41 Oh, oh, oh, symbolism!

22:45 And uh the the uh wildness of the moors which I

22:49 think is is mirrored in the wildness of uh Heathcliff's character.

22:56 Excellent.

22:57 What Rachel has shrewdly observed here You completely stole my answer.

23:04 Well, honey, that was pretty obvious.

23:05 Well, how would you know?

23:06 You didn't even READ IT.

23:09 UH WHAT DO YOU THINK?

23:11 Uh you in the blue shirt.

23:16 I think that um yours is a question with many possible answers.

23:22 Would you care to venture one?

23:24 Would you care to venture one?

23:28 Are you just repeating what I'm saying?

23:30 Are you just repeating what I'm saying?

23:35 Hello, Rachel.

23:36 Oh, get off.

23:40 Oh, oh, Jimmy, can you see me operating a drill press?

23:46 I don't know.

23:46 What are you wearing?

23:52 Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?

23:55 Just for some short-term work, you know,

23:56 till I get back some of my massage clients.

23:59 Pirates again?

24:01 No, nothing like that.

24:04 You're just such a dummy.

24:06 I taught this massage yourself at home workshop and they are.

24:12 Hey, hey, chance she could work for you?

24:15 Thanks, Joey.

24:16 That's a good idea.

24:18 What I could I could do it.

24:20 What is it?

24:21 Well, my secretary's going to be out for a couple of weeks.

24:23 She's having one of her boobs reduced.

24:26 It's a whole big boobs story.

24:29 I could be a secretary.

24:31 Well, you know, Pheebs,

24:32 I don't know if it's your kind of thing because uh it

24:34 involves a lot of being normal for a large portion of the day.

24:39 I could do that.

24:43 What are you playing with?

24:44 Oh, it's my new beeper.

24:45 The hell's a paleontologist need a beeper for?

24:48 Is it like for dinosaur emergencies?

24:50 Help, come quick, they're still extinct.

24:53 No, it's for when Carol goes into labor.

24:55 She can get me wherever I am.

24:57 You know, all she has to do is dial um 55 Jimbo.

25:01 A cool phone number and a possible name for the kid.

25:13 Can you hear that?

25:15 Yeah.

25:18 See, that'll stop when you pick up the phone.

25:23 Ooh, I'm on.

25:24 Okay.

25:27 Mr.

25:27 Bing's office.

25:31 No, I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.

25:34 Not in a meeting.

25:35 I'm right here.

25:36 Will he know what this is in reference to?

25:39 And he has your number.

25:40 All right, I'll see that he gets the message.

25:42 Bye-bye.

25:46 What?

25:47 Ross said hi.

25:48 Ah.

25:50 So fun.

25:51 All right, what do we do now?

25:52 Well, now I actually have to get to work.

25:55 Most likely.

26:01 Okay, I'm going to be out there.

26:03 Okay.

26:03 All right.

26:05 Bye-bye.

26:05 Bye-bye.

26:13 Yes.

26:14 What you doing?

26:18 No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.

26:21 Why not?

26:21 Oh, because, you know, they don't like you.

26:29 What?

26:30 I thought you knew that.

26:31 No.

26:34 Who doesn't like me?

26:36 Everyone.

26:37 Except for um No, everyone.

26:44 What are you talking about?

26:45 Don't feel bad.

26:47 You know, they used to like you a lot.

26:49 But then you got promoted and you know, now you're all like Mr.

26:52 Bossman.

26:53 You know, Mr.

26:54 Big.

26:55 Mr.

26:55 BIG, BOSSMAN BING.

26:59 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

27:00 YEAH, YEAH, they even do you.

27:04 They do me?

27:06 You know, like um okay, um could that report be any later?

27:16 I don't sound like that.

27:18 Oh, oh, Chandler, yeah, you do.

27:21 The hills are alive with the sound OF MUSIC.

27:32 MY SCONE!

27:33 MY SCONE!

27:37 OKAY, I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.

27:38 THAT is so not true.

27:42 That is so not That is so not That Oh, shut up.

27:48 I think last night was great, you know,

27:49 the karaoke thing, Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.

27:53 You were great, but they still made fun of you.

27:57 What?

27:58 You know, now you're more like, you know, Mr.

27:59 Caring Boss, Mr.

28:00 you know, I'm one of you Boss, Mr.

28:02 I want to be your buddy, Bossman Bing.

28:06 Then I don't get it.

28:08 Well, you know what, Chandler, I think you just got to face it.

28:12 You're like the guy in the big office, you know?

28:15 You're the one that hires them and fires them.

28:18 They still say you're a great boss.

28:20 They do?

28:21 Uh-huh.

28:22 But they're not your friends anymore.

28:24 But I just want to can't.

28:27 But I just want you know what, let's just go.

28:31 No!

28:32 Hey, we're not leaving till we get paid.

28:34 Okay, I don't know who she thinks she is.

28:36 Enough is enough.

28:39 Hey, we're not Excuse me.

28:44 Excuse me!

28:47 Thanks.

28:48 Um clearly this is a very very hard time for you.

28:52 Um but um we provided a service and we

28:55 deserve to be paid because you ate that service

28:57 and um we are not leaving here until we

29:00 are paid every penny because you know what, lady?

29:02 We're part-time caterers and we have no place else to go.

29:07 All right.

29:09 I'll get my bag.

29:10 Good.

29:19 I want to leave some cards here.

29:24 Please think of us for your next event.

29:27 Hi again.

29:32 Today, we're going to start with some songs about barnyard animals.

29:38 Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.

29:40 Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.

29:42 Then the farmer hits him on the head

29:44 and grinds him up and that's how we get hamburgers.

29:50 NOW, CHICKEN.

29:55 MY GOD, HOW DID YOU GET BACK HERE?

29:58 Phoebe Buffay?

30:03 FIRE ALARM?

30:09 OH, HI OFFICER, FIREMAN.

30:12 Can Can I help you?

30:13 We found your fire alarm in the trash chute.

30:15 Mhm, that's not mine.

30:17 Guess it is.

30:18 How do you know?

30:19 The next time you want to dump a fire alarm in the trash chute,

30:21 don't wrap it in a blanket that says property of Phoebe Buffay, not Monica.

30:26 Okay, do you Okay, do you have a search warrant

30:28 because the last time I checked this was still America.

30:32 Please reattach this.

30:33 It's against the law to disconnect them.

30:35 Fine, but please god tell me how to stop it from going off.

30:39 Just press the reset button under the plastic cup.

30:41 There's a reset button?

30:44 Oh, thank you.

30:45 Thank you.

30:46 There's a reset button?

30:49 My god.

30:51 Why didn't I see that?

30:55 Reset button, reset button.

30:58 Where's our reset button?

30:59 Oh, here it is.

31:00 Oh.

31:16 This place is so depressing.

31:18 If I had to work here, I'd kill myself.

31:24 You obviously haven't.

31:28 How can I help you?

31:28 Um I need to change my name, please.

31:30 See, I need to change it cuz I'm I'm hiding from the law.

31:37 You're fun.

31:39 Need to fill out this form.

31:40 Okay.

31:41 Well, I just I don't I don't know how it works exactly.

31:42 See, my name is um Buffay and my husband's name is Hannigan.

31:46 So, is it supposed to be Buffay-Hannigan or Hannigan-Buffay?

31:49 It can be anything you want.

31:51 Well, not anything.

31:52 Yeah.

31:53 Anything.

31:56 Oh, this could take a while.

32:00 Get out of my line.

32:02 Okay.

32:06 Hey.

32:08 Hey, Thieves.

32:08 Oh, not anymore.

32:09 I changed it today.

32:11 Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs.

32:12 Hannigan.

32:13 Wrong again.

32:16 Apparently, you can change it to anything you want.

32:19 So, I thought, all right, here's an opportunity to be creative.

32:22 So, meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

32:33 That's what we were going to name the baby.

32:37 Phoebe.

32:38 Uh Princess Consuela.

32:41 You seriously changed your name to that?

32:44 Uh-huh.

32:44 Okay, so from now on we have to call you Princess Consuela.

32:47 Uh no, I I'm going to have my friends call me Valerie.

32:52 Hey.

32:53 Welcome back.

32:54 I missed you.

32:55 Oh, me too.

32:56 So, what's new?

32:57 Well, I'm no longer Phoebe Buffay.

33:00 That's great.

33:00 You changed your name?

33:01 Yes, I did.

33:02 Meet Princess Consuela Bananahammock.

33:08 You're kidding, right?

33:09 Nope.

33:11 You really did that?

33:11 Yep.

33:13 Yeah, but you you can't do that.

33:15 Why?

33:16 Why?

33:17 It's fun, it's different, no one else has a name like it.

33:22 All right, then I'm going to change my name.

33:23 Great.

33:24 Okay, what are you going to change it to?

33:26 Crap Bag.

33:29 Mike Crap Bag?

33:31 No.

33:31 No Mike.

33:32 No, just just Crap Bag.

33:33 First name Crap, last name Bag.

33:37 You're not serious, right?

33:38 Yeah, I'm serious.

33:39 It's fun, it's different, no one else has a name like that.

33:42 Mhm, mhm.

33:43 Well, then great.

33:45 If you love it, I love it.

33:46 I do love it.

33:47 And I love your name.

33:48 I love Princess Consuela.

33:50 And I love Crap.

33:53 After you, Miss Bananahammock.

33:55 Thank you, Mr.

33:56 Bag.

33:58 Oh, hey.

33:59 How are you?

34:00 Good.

34:01 Oh, Rita's a massage client.

34:03 Yeah.

34:03 Oh.

34:04 Why don't you introduce me?

34:09 Uh Rita, this is my husband.

34:11 Oh.

34:12 Yeah.

34:12 Why don't you tell her my name?

34:15 Okay, I will.

34:16 This is um this is my husband um Crap Bag.

34:22 Crap Bag.

34:23 If you need an easy way to remember it, just think of a bag of crap.

34:30 Okay.

34:31 Excuse me.

34:33 Yeah.

34:35 Ugh.

34:36 Okay, fine.

34:36 You made your point.

34:37 Can you please just be Mike Hannigan again?

34:40 Only if you'll be Phoebe Buffay.

34:43 How about um how about Buffay-Hannigan?

34:46 Really?

34:47 Yeah.

34:48 I'm Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan-Bananahammock.

34:53 Do you even know what a banana hammock is?

34:56 It's a funny word.

34:57 It's a Speedo.

35:03 Oh, crap.

35:06 I want you to take a piece of paper,

35:07 here you go, and write down your most embarrassing memory.

35:11 Oh.

35:12 And I do ask that when you're not using the markers,

35:14 you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.

35:23 Listen, you guys, um I don't mean to be a pain about

35:25 this, but um I've noticed that some of you are just placing them on.

35:29 You want to push the caps until you hear them click.

35:36 Gunther.

35:38 Where are you going?

35:39 I um was sort of thinking about maybe No.

35:42 No, you can't go.

35:44 No, this is fun.

35:45 Come on, we're just getting started here.

35:46 Here's your marker.

35:51 So, if you want to go, just go.

35:53 No.

35:54 She'll yell at me again.

35:59 All right.

36:00 I can get you out.

36:01 What?

36:02 Shh.

36:04 In a minute, I'm going to create a diversion.

36:06 When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.

36:11 Okay.

36:12 And the first person's most embarrassing memory is Monica, your party sucks.

36:19 All right, very funny.

36:21 Oh, no.

36:23 Oh, did someone forget to use A COASTER?

36:25 WHAT?

36:33 I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

36:35 GREAT.

36:36 I'm seeing water rings again.

36:39 Chris is taking the trash out.

36:41 So, I can get you out of here, but it has to be now.

36:43 She'll be back any minute.

36:45 What about my friend Victor?

36:46 No, only the three of you.

36:48 Any more than that and she'll get suspicious.

36:50 All right.

36:50 Let me just get my coat.

36:51 There isn't time.

36:55 Just leave everything.

36:57 They'll take care of you next door.

37:00 Is it true they have beer?

37:03 Everything you've heard is true.

37:06 Could you guys please try to keep it down?

37:08 We're trying to start a foosball tournament.

37:16 You.

37:18 And you.

37:18 You're supposed to be at my party.

37:21 And Gunther.

37:27 What are you doing here?

37:30 Phoebe.

37:32 Okay, love them to the show.

37:38 Phoebe.

37:39 All right, I'm sorry, but these people needed me.

37:42 You know, they work hard all week and Saturday

37:44 night they deserve to have a LITTLE FUN.

37:46 GO.

37:48 YOU KNOW, MY PARTY is fun.

37:50 I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sort of fun,

37:53 but you know, if people would just give it a chance,

37:54 it's a Don't This is the 9 millionth ring store

37:59 we've been to and I can't find the perfect ring.

38:01 Ugly ring, ugly ring, ugly ring.

38:08 It's a beautiful selection.

38:11 Okay, so maybe you don't get her a ring.

38:14 Maybe you maybe you do something different, you know,

38:16 maybe you get her an engagement bracelet, you know, or an engagement tiara.

38:20 Or an engagement Revolutionary War Musket.

38:26 You know, I'm so glad I picked you to help me with this.

38:28 Huh?

38:29 Can't you just imagine getting down on one

38:31 knee and handing her this gorgeous piece of weaponry?

38:36 Yeah, I'm going to stick with the ring.

38:38 Phoebe.

38:40 You know what I'm thinking?

38:41 Oh, okay.

38:46 How it's been so long since you've had sex,

38:51 you're wondering if they've changed it?

38:54 No, although now that's what I'm thinking.

39:00 All right, so what were you thinking?

39:01 Well, I was thinking that you gave the guy such great haircuts,

39:04 I thought maybe you'd like to do mine.

39:06 Oh, no.

39:09 Why not?

39:10 Because I'm just I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable well-control freak.

39:16 No, you're not.

39:17 I know I'm not, but you are.

39:20 I was trying to spare your feelings.

39:26 You know what's funny?

39:28 Last time Paolo was here, my hair was so much shorter and you shoot her.

39:31 All right.

39:33 Okay.

39:34 But but, you have to promise that you will

39:36 not be all like controlling and bossy and all, you know, Monica about it.

39:42 I promise.

39:43 All right, let's see.

39:45 Now, some of you are going to get cut and some of you aren't.

39:50 But, I promise none of you will feel a thing.

40:06 All right, that's it.

40:07 I quit.

40:08 What?

40:08 I didn't say anything.

40:10 Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person, okay?

40:14 This is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.

40:20 I'm sorry.

40:21 Sorry, Phoebe.

40:22 It's just, well, just a little shorter than what we had discussed.

40:26 Would you relax?

40:28 I know what I am doing.

40:29 This is how he wears it.

40:34 How Who wears it?

40:35 Demi Moore.

40:38 Demi Moore is not a he.

40:40 Well, he was a he in Arthur and in Ten.

40:45 That's Dudley Moore.

40:46 I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.

40:49 Oh.

40:50 OH.

40:51 OH MY GOD.

40:53 OH MY OH MY OH MY GOD.

40:57 I'M SORRY.

40:57 I'M SORRY.

40:58 Which one is Demi Moore?

40:59 She's the that was in Disclosure and Indecent Proposal, Ghost.

41:04 Oh, oh, she's got gorgeous hair.

41:06 I KNOW.

41:12 HOW IS SHE?

41:14 IT'S TOO SOON TO TELL.

41:18 SHE'S RESTING, which is a good sign.

41:21 How's the hair?

41:23 I'm not going to lie to you, Ross.

41:24 It doesn't look good.

41:28 I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.

41:33 Well, can we see her?

41:35 Your hair looks too good.

41:35 I think it would upset her.

41:38 Ross, why don't you come on in?

41:41 Hi.

41:42 Hi.

41:43 Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television?

41:45 We need a porn break.

41:48 We just spent the last 2 hours watching in and out and in again.

41:54 So, why don't you just turn it off?

41:56 Because then we'd be the guys who turned off free porn.

42:00 Oh, good.

42:01 You're here.

42:02 Okay.

42:03 Yeah, hi.

42:04 What What you got here?

42:05 Oh, this?

42:06 Well, I'm glad you asked.

42:11 Now, don't you hate it when you have

42:13 to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife?

42:21 KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

42:22 PREGNANT WOMAN SLAYS FOUR?

42:26 PHOEBE, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they?

42:28 No.

42:29 Are you sure?

42:30 No.

42:33 Honey, you're not going to make enough money

42:34 to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.

42:36 No, no, I know that, but I'm just need

42:38 to make enough money for the second part of my plan.

42:40 What's the second part of your plan?

42:41 My Saturn dealership.

42:43 I need help.

42:44 Oh, why?

42:44 What's up?

42:45 Well, I have an audition for this play

42:46 and for some of it I have to speak French,

42:48 which, according to my resume, I'm fluent in.

42:51 Joey, you shouldn't lie on your resume.

42:54 Yeah, you really shouldn't.

42:56 By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?

43:01 It was okay.

43:04 I did not know you spoke French.

43:06 Oui, bien sûr, je parle français.

43:08 Qu'est-ce que tu penses alors?

43:10 You're so sexy.

43:13 Well, so will you help me?

43:13 I really want to be in this play.

43:14 Sure.

43:15 Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.

43:18 Seriously, stop it.

43:19 I want to jump on you.

43:21 All right, this seems pretty simple.

43:23 Your first line is my name is Claude, so just repeat after me.

43:28 Je m'appelle Claude.

43:30 Je de coup plaur.

43:36 Well, let's just try it again.

43:37 Okay.

43:38 Je m'appelle Claude.

43:41 Je de pli bleu.

43:45 Huh, it's not quite what I'm saying.

43:50 Really?

43:51 Sounds exactly the same to me.

43:54 It does, really?

43:54 Yeah.

43:56 All right, let's just try it again.

43:57 Okay.

43:58 Really listen.

43:58 Got it.

44:00 Je m'appelle Claude.

44:03 Je de flou fli.

44:07 Oh mon Dieu.

44:08 Oh de fouf.

44:10 Je m'appelle Claude.

44:13 Je de call bleu.

44:15 No.

44:17 Okay, maybe if we just break it down.

44:20 Okay, let's just let's try it one syllable at a time.

44:23 Okay, so repeat after me.

44:25 Je Je m'a m'a pelle pelle Great.

44:30 Okay, faster.

44:31 Je Je m'a m'a pelle pelle Je m'appelle.

44:34 Me pou pou.

44:39 Okay, it's too hard.

44:40 I can't teach you.

44:41 What are you doing?

44:42 I I have to go before I put your head through a wall.

44:45 Don't go.

44:46 I need you.

44:46 MY AUDITION IS TOMORROW.

44:49 JE BLEU BLA.

44:51 ME LA PI.

44:53 OM BLA.

44:55 I'LL COUNT FROM ONE TO FIVE.

44:57 UN DEUX trois quatre cinq Un bleu bla flou flanc.

45:08 Good job.

45:09 Thank you.

45:12 Hey.

45:14 Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot.

45:18 No, I was too impatient.

45:20 So, let's try it again.

45:21 Oh, no, that's okay.

45:22 And I don't I don't need your help.

45:23 I worked on it myself and I got to say I am pretty good.

45:27 Really?

45:28 Can I hear some of it?

45:29 Sure, sure.

45:32 Okay.

45:36 Bleu de la blai de bleu bla blai.

45:41 See?

45:44 You're right.

45:44 You're not You're not You're Again,

45:48 YOU'RE YOU'RE NOT SPEAKING OH, WELL, I THINK I AM.

45:54 YEAH, AND I think I'm definitely going to get the part.

45:57 How could you possibly think that?

45:59 For one thing, the guy ON THE TAPE SAID I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB.

46:03 ARE YOU READY, JOEY?

46:04 RIGHT.

46:06 Je bleu bleu Claude.

46:09 Euh, je de flou la lou bla bleu.

46:14 I'm sorry, what's going on?

46:15 Dude, come on.

46:16 French it up.

46:20 Joey, do you speak French?

46:22 Tout de la smour.

46:24 Bleu bleu et bleu bla ou.

46:29 You know what?

46:29 I think this audition is over.

46:32 Uh, excuse me.

46:34 Uh I am Régine Philange.

46:39 Uh, I I was passing by when I heard this man

46:42 speaking the the regional dialect of my French town of Estée Lauder.

46:51 You really think this man is speaking French?

46:57 Écoutez.

46:58 Je vais vous dire la vérité.

47:01 C'est mon petit frère.

47:02 Il est un peu retardé.

47:14 Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui, Good job, little buddy.

47:28 That was some really good French,

47:31 but I think we're going to go with someone else for the part.

47:33 Oh.

47:34 All right.

47:35 But, my French was good?

47:36 It was great.

47:39 Merci.

47:39 Au revoir.

47:40 Yeah, tout de la flou.

47:42 We want the money.

47:43 PLEASE HAVE A HELLO AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.

47:48 OH, THANK YOU, SIR.

47:50 HERE'S SOME JOY.

47:53 HEY, COME TO SEE HOW IT'S GOING?

47:55 WELL, IT'S GOING OKAY.

47:56 OH, GOOD.

47:57 HERE, let me help you out.

47:58 Oh, thanks.

47:59 Yeah.

48:00 Wow.

48:02 That a new suede jacket?

48:03 It looks really expensive.

48:07 Yeah.

48:09 I guess.

48:12 Just get your nails done?

48:15 Yes, Phoebe, but this is all I have, okay?

48:17 Okay, thanks.

48:18 Happy holidays.

48:19 Here's your joy.

48:20 Thank you.

48:22 Thank you.

48:22 Happy holidays.

48:23 And wait, you can't take the money out.

48:26 I'm making change.

48:27 I need change for the bus.

48:28 But, can't you leave the dollar?

48:30 This money's for the poor.

48:31 I'm poor.

48:31 I got to take the bus.

48:34 Okay, season's greetings and everything, but still Bite me, blondie.

48:38 Oh.

48:41 Oh, I'm going to give him something besides joy.

48:44 Just