A Just War Of Words With The Pope | Great Vengeance And Furious Anger | AI's New Bird

0:00 Thank you.

0:01 Welcome, welcome.

0:01 One and all in here, out there, Mr.

0:03 and Mrs.

0:04 America and all the ships at sea to the Late Show.

0:06 I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

0:11 [cheering and music]

0:11 There you go, my friend.

0:15 [applause]

0:14 It is yet another day when the entire world is

0:17 on edge over Donald Trump's senseless and elective war with the Pope.

0:22 The President of the United States has been raging

0:26 at the Pontiff ever since Leo brazenly pointed out war is bad.

0:34 Trump's allies have been quick to jump in and defend him,

0:36 like Speaker Mike Johnson, who said this about the Pope.

0:39 I was taken a little bit aback,

0:41 just honestly, frankly, by something that was said.

0:44 I I think he said it several days

0:46 back that something about those who engage in war,

0:49 you know, that Jesus doesn't hear their prayers or something.

0:52 You know, it is it is a very well-settled matter of Christian theology.

0:55 There's something called the just war doctrine.

0:58 Correcting the Pope on Catholic theology [laughter]

1:07 is a little like going into the woods and saying, "Uh excuse me, Mr.

1:11 Bear, do you really think this is the appropriate place for you

1:14 to be pooping?" Real Real Who's going to clean that up?

1:20 [laughter]

1:20 If you don't know, and you may not, uh just war is a Catholic doctrine that goes

1:24 all the way back to the church fathers, St.

1:25 Ambrose and St.

1:26 Augustine.

1:27 And there are many criteria,

1:28 including it must be in self-defense once all peace efforts have failed,

1:32 only then can the war be said to have just cause.

1:36 As opposed to Trump, who appears to have taken us to war just cuz.

1:42 The Pope The POPE CAME BACK.

1:47 [cheering and applause] HE WALKED to walk down the the narthex.

1:52 The Pope came back swinging today on social media, posting,

1:55 "Woe to those who manipulate religion and the very

1:59 name of God for their own military,

2:01 economic, and political gain,

2:02 dragging that which is sacred into darkness and filth." Damn Trump.

2:08 [cheering] [applause] Damn, son, the Pope just read you for darkness and filth.

2:22 And the Pope wasn't done pooping because today he was in Cameroon

2:26 and he said the world is being ravaged by a handful of tyrants.

2:30 Ooh.

2:32 Handful of tyrants, that is rough.

2:34 Even worse when you look at the hand.

2:37 Trump's Trump's ongoing papal feud, and I love saying that sentence.

2:43 Trump's ongoing papal feud has failed to distract anyone

2:47 from this picture he posted of himself as Jesus.

2:51 Dude, you can't compare yourself to Jesus.

2:54 For one thing, Jesus' father loved him.

2:59 People [cheering] People got [cheering] [laughter]

3:14 People People got upset about that image.

3:16 I mean, naturally so.

3:16 So, Trump took the picture down, then immediately posted another one where

3:20 he's apparently going to prom with Jesus.

3:24 [cheering]

3:27 Next, he's posting their pic from the Sears portrait gallery.

3:32 [cheering and laughter] Looks good.

3:32 Looks good.

3:33 Trump's not the only member of his administration messing with religion.

3:37 So is Secretary of Defense and and Frankenstein's lawyer, Pete Hegseth.

3:43 Yesterday, Secretary Hegseth read a prayer at the Pentagon worship service

3:48 and that he said was recounted to him by some service members.

3:53 And people quickly noticed that there was something fishy about this prayer.

3:56 See if you can spot it.

3:57 They call it Caesar 25:17, which I think is meant to reflect Ezekiel 25:17.

4:05 The path of the downed aviator is beset on all sides

4:09 by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

4:13 Now, if that doesn't sound like it's from the Bible, that's because it's not.

4:18 Want to know what it's from?

4:20 Well, here's a hint.

4:22 The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides

4:26 by the iniquities of the selfish [cheering] and the tyranny of evil men.

4:32 WOW.

4:35 OH.

4:38 [cheering] Hegseth's quoting from the Gospel of Quentin Tarantino.

4:43 [cheering]

4:42 If you're not familiar with that Gospel, it's like the regular Bible,

4:45 but Tarantino's Jesus says the N-word a lot.

4:50 Also, Quentin's version really lingers on the feet washing stuff.

4:55 Similarities continue.

4:57 Let's take a look.

4:58 For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.

5:03 For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.

5:08 And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger

5:12 And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger

5:18 those who attempt to capture and destroy my brother.

5:22 those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.

5:26 Wow, that mashup really feels like your self-tape

5:30 versus the guy who actually got the part.

5:34 Oh, I see.

5:34 Is that what I was supposed to do?

5:37 Yeah, he's Yeah.

5:40 Oh, so angry.

5:41 I should be angry?

5:43 Okay, got it, got it, got it.

5:44 Hire that guy.

5:44 Yeah, hire that guy.

5:46 But despite all this, I want Hegseth to succeed.

5:50 He's the Secretary of Defense.

5:51 If he succeeds, that means America succeeds.

5:53 So, please, join me in prayer.

5:58 [laughter] God, I'm talking to you.

6:00 You talking to me?

6:02 Are you talking to me?

6:06 [laughter]

6:05 War is like a box of chocolates.

6:08 I'm tired of these mother sins ON MY MOTHER SOUL.

6:15 [cheering] [applause]

6:27 THAT'LL DO, GOD.

6:28 THAT'LL DO.

6:31 Trump responded to the controversy today

6:33 in the triumphant return of Chopper Talk.

6:42 On his way out to Marine One,

6:44 he was asked about his dustup with the Vicar of Christ.

6:47 There was a group of bishops that did put out

6:49 a statement saying the Pope isn't merely exercising his opinion,

6:52 he's preaching the Gospel.

6:53 And what do you say to people that do that?

6:55 Well, I want him to preach the Gospel.

6:56 I'm all about the Gospel.

6:58 I'm all about the Gospel.

6:59 I'm all about the Gospel.

7:02 You know what else folks?

7:02 I love Ryan Gosling.

7:04 He was great in Project Hail Mary and Barbie.

7:08 I did not see La La Land, but I do know it's Spanish for the the land.

7:15 [laughter] [applause and cheering] Also great is Deadpool.

7:19 He was also asked about skyrocketing fuel prices.

7:23 How much longer will Americans continue to see these high gas prices?

7:26 Well, they're not very high.

7:28 They're not very high?

7:30 Are you very high?

7:35 [cheering] And [cheering]

7:44 And

7:45 [cheering and applause] And if so, what have you been huffing off a rag?

7:47 Cuz I know gas is way too expensive right now.

7:51 California Congresswoman Sydney Kamlager Dove was asked about it and she had,

7:57 let's say, a strong opinion.

7:59 Are you concerned about the impact that this war

8:01 in Iran is having on our national debt?

8:03 Oh my God, yes, of course I am.

8:05 You would Stevie Wonder can even see how much this is costing us.

8:09 So, gas prices are going up.

8:11 It's almost $10 in California and fertilizer is going up.

8:15 I mean, you name it, the prices have gone up.

8:16 And this dude, Dr.

8:17 Jesus, okay, is wanting to spend $2 billion of your money

8:22 every single day rather than help you get health care.

8:26 Kiss ass.

8:32 [cheering] [applause]

8:37 Uh no, thank you.

8:45 Well,

8:49 [laughter]

8:49 moving on.

8:51 The holiday season is right around the corner

8:53 and it's a long corner, but it's out there.

8:57 And we've got a scandalous update

8:59 on a Christmas tradition because this week we learned

9:02 that the organizer of New York Santacon was accused

9:04 of pocketing more than $1 million earmarked for charities.

9:09 Oh my God.

9:10 It sounds like Santacon might be some kind of Kringle scam.

9:21 [laughter] For those who don't know,

9:22 Santacon is an annual Christmas-themed bar crawl {slash} crime against humanity.

9:27 The disgraced organizer is Stefan Pildes of New Jersey.

9:30 Pildes allegedly pocketed the Santacon cash that was

9:33 supposed to go to charities like City Harvest,

9:35 City Parks Foundation, and the Children's Heart Foundation.

9:39 My God.

9:40 The only thing worse would be if

9:41 this guy stole from wheelchairs for puppies with glasses.

9:48 [laughter] That would be bad is what I'm saying.

9:50 That would be a not a good thing.

9:54 [laughter] Here's Here's some shocking news.

9:55 You know the the shoe brand Allbirds?

9:58 Well, they have announced a hard pivot from footwear into AI.

10:04 That is the most random 180 since that insurance company debuted this slogan.

10:08 Nationwide makes shampoo [singing and music] now.

10:13 Yeah, doesn't make any sense.

10:16 On Wednesday, Allbirds announced it is leaving shoes behind for AI

10:21 compute infrastructure and will change its name to Newbird AI.

10:26 Keep in mind, Allbirds founding mission statement was to create, quote,

10:30 "an entirely new category of shoes inspired by natural materials guided

10:34 by an ethos to create better things in a better way." And now,

10:39 incredibly, not that.

10:42 This is just like when Arby's changed their slogan to, "Arby's,

10:45 we have the bras." Wait, I got another one.

10:49 This is like when Nike changed their slogan to, "Just clam chowder."

10:56 [applause and cheering]

10:57 Or when the dairy industry changed their slogan to, "Got milk?

11:00 Nope, trucks." We got a great show for you tonight.

11:06 [cheering] My guests are Anderson [screaming and music] Cooper and Matt Walsh.

11:10 When we come back, some [cheering] exciting announcements.

11:14 [music] Man, stick around.

11:22 [music] [music] [cheering]