Weekend Update ft. Sarah Sherman and Kam Patterson - SNL

0:02 -It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

0:12 Cheers and applause] -Thank you very much.

0:15 Thank you.

0:16 Good evening, everyone.

0:16 -Welcome to "Weekend Update."

0:17 I'm Michael Che.

0:18 -I'm Colin Jost.

0:20 Cheers and applause] President Trump addressed the

0:23 nation about the war with Iran

0:26 and threatened to "bring them back to the Stone Age

0:29 where they belong." And in the spirit of Easter, let me just say...

0:33 Jesus Christ.

0:35 Laughter] President Trump's speech on the war in Iran

0:39 interrupted the finale of "The Masked Singer."

0:42 And it's really too bad

0:44 because Trump would have found out that Cat Witch

0:46 which was revealed to be the new Ayatollah.

0:49 Laughter] -In his speech, President Trump referred

0:53 to the war in Iran as a "little journey."

0:56 Because little journeys are all anyone can afford to take now.

1:00 Laughter] President Trump said in his speech

1:03 that the Strait of Hormuz would "open up naturally,"

1:07 but if it doesn't, the Marines will deploy

1:09 a little bit of spit.

1:12 Laughter] -This—[ Laughs] This week...

1:21 This week, Attorney General Pam Bondi

1:23 was asked to redact herself from her job.

1:27 Laughter] President Trump reportedly fired Bondi over her handling

1:31 of the Epstein files...

1:32 because the only person

1:33 Trump has ever trusted to handle the Epstein situation

1:37 is a prison guard with the cameras off.

1:40 Audience groans][ Laughter][ Cheers and applause]

1:45 Also...

1:47 Also, I kind of understand.

1:49 I mean, if I was Trump, I'd be mad, too...

1:51 if someone took a Sharpie

1:53 and drew all over my favorite memories.

1:56 Laughter] -Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth,

2:01 seen here demoting a Black general,

2:04 said this week— said this week

2:07 that an airman told him the only thing

2:09 they need in Iran is bigger bombs.

2:12 Got ya covered.

2:13 How about Kristi Noem's husband?

2:15 Laughter][ Applause] -JD Vance— JD Vance is releasing a book

2:24 about his conversion to Catholicism.

2:26 The Catholic Church is calling it,

2:28 "Somehow the worst publicity we've ever had."[ Laughter]

2:34 -After reaching orbit, Artemis II astronaut Victor Glover

2:38 sent a message back to Earth saying,

2:40 "Trust us.

2:40 You look amazing.

2:42 You look beautiful." Yeah, leave it to the Black astronaut

2:45 to catcall the entire planet.

2:48 Laughter] -According— According to reports,

2:53 Iranian hackers are launching sophisticated cyber attacks

2:56 on hospitals and healthcare organizations.

2:59 But the joke's on them because our healthcare system

3:02 is so busted that nobody noticed.

3:05 Laughter] -President Trump posted plans

3:08 for his presidential library in Miami,

3:11 which would be a massive golden skyscraper

3:13 with a golden escalator and a golden statue of Trump,

3:17 as predicted in the Book of Revelations.

3:20 Laughter] President Trump attended the opening night of "Chicago"

3:23 at the Kennedy Center, and I think that's cool

3:26 that the President is going to the theater.

3:28 I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

3:31 Laughter][ Cheers and applause]

3:37 -Oh, no.

3:38 Oh, no.

3:40 A top FEMA official revealed in an interview

3:43 that he once mysteriously teleported

3:46 to a Waffle House 50 miles away...

3:50 which is a phenomenon better known as drunk driving.

3:54 Laughter] -It was reported that the husband of

3:57 former DHS Secretary Kristi Noem

4:00 has been chatting with women online

4:02 while wearing gigantic inflatable boobs

4:05 as part of a bimbo fetish.

4:08 Here to comment is Kristi Noem's husband.

4:11 Cheers and applause][ Laughter]

4:26 -Hello, everyone.

4:29 Hello, Michael.

4:31 -Hey, man.

4:33 -What?

4:37 What?

4:39 -Hey.

4:40 Hey.

4:40 -Hey.

4:40 Hey.

4:41 -Hey.

4:41 -Yeah.

4:42 -Hey, Michael.

4:43 -How are you?

4:43 -My eyes are up here.

4:45 My nipples are out here.

4:48 Huh?!

4:48 Huh?!

4:50 You got something on your mind, bud, huh?

4:52 Care to share?

4:54 -I didn't say anything.

4:56 -Good.

4:58 Good.

5:00 Good.

5:01 Because I dare you all.

5:03 I dare you all to find one thing

5:06 that's comical about this whole situation.

5:09 Laughter] I dare you.

5:11 I dare you.

5:12 I dare you to make a joke

5:14 about my big, beautiful balloon breasts.

5:17 I dare you, Michael.

5:19 Hey!

5:19 Hey, Michael.

5:20 -I'm...

5:21 -I dare you to kink-shame me on national TV

5:24 about my insane clown juggalos

5:27 and tiny, teeny little pink bike shorts.

5:32 -Nah, man, I got nothing to say.

5:33 -Good.

5:34 Thought so.

5:35 Thought so.

5:36 -Mm-hmm.

5:36 -And how about you, audience, huh?

5:38 Anything to say?

5:39 Anything?

5:40 Cheers and applause] -Yeah.

5:42 Oh, be quiet!

5:43 You got anything to say, Liberal New York,

5:46 about a conservative man's bloobs?

5:49 Laughter] Exactly.

5:51 I thought so.

5:53 Hey, cue cards.

5:54 Hey, cue-card guys.

5:56 Do you have anything to say about my bimbo bazongas?

6:01 Cheers and applause] Exactly.

6:05 I thought so.

6:06 And, Lorne.

6:07 Lorne Michaels.

6:08 Care to comment on my big chumbawambas?

6:16 Thought so.

6:17 What about my wife, Kristi Noem?

6:19 Anything to add about my sweater puppies?

6:24 -Did someone say "puppies"?

6:26 Audience groans] -Oh, right.

6:29 Oh, right.

6:30 I wonder if the dog Kristi shot has anything to say.

6:39 Good boy!

6:40 And you, Law Roach?

6:45 -Mama, you need to snatch that waist in

6:47 and turn them things out!

6:49 Shoulders back!

6:51 Boosy forward!

6:52 Because you thought you ate,

6:54 but you are GLP-not-the-1, hunty!

7:01 Cheers and applause] -Oh, and you, Colin.

7:04 You got a little smile all over your face.

7:07 Got a little grin.

7:09 Wanna say anything about my Party City poppers?

7:14 -No.

7:14 Absolutely not.

7:15 I don't want to say anything.

7:17 But if I did, it would probably be something like...

7:20 BLBLBLBLBLB!

7:23 Laughter] -Great.

7:25 Great.

7:25 -What?

7:26 -Great.

7:27 Awesome.

7:28 Just awesome.

7:30 I hope you're all enjoying yourselves

7:32 here in Mamdani's New York.

7:36 -Listen.

7:36 Look.

7:37 Look.

7:37 This whole thing is just fun for us

7:39 because your wife is so awful.

7:43 -Ugh!

7:44 I know, right?

7:46 Hey, Che...

7:47 wanna touch 'em?

7:49 -You know I want to touch 'em.

7:53 Ohh!

7:53 A real boob!

7:55 Kristi Noem's husband!

7:57 -Anyone want a boob?

7:59 Cheers and applause] -Candymaker Reese's announced

8:11 that, after complaints from its founder's grandson,

8:13 it will return to using chocolate

8:15 instead of a chocolate compound coating.

8:17 Not to be outdone, the grandson of the Peeps founder

8:20 wants to go back to real skin.

8:23 Laughter] -New Jersey officials are warning residents

8:28 to secure garbage cans as black bears

8:30 come out of hibernation looking for food.

8:32 Ah, New Jersey.

8:34 No one steals our precious garbage.

8:37 Laughter] -Tiger Woods was arrested for a DUI

8:42 after a rollover crash in Florida.

8:45 Tiger said he was disappointed in himself

8:47 because he just missed the green.

8:50 Laughter] -The women's college-basketball title game

8:55 will be held tomorrow between UCLA and South Carolina.

8:59 And no matter who wins, I hope that every one

9:02 of those amazing athletes find a good husband.

9:06 Scattered laughter][ Audience groans]

9:13 When's the show?

9:14 Is it tomorrow?

9:14 -No.

9:15 Yeah, it's tomorrow...

9:16 Pizza Hut in Canada is celebrating the start

9:19 of baseball season with a new hot-dog stuffed crust pizza.

9:24 Hey, Canada, our culture is not your costume.

9:28 Laughter][ Cheers and applause]

9:32 -Sugar, the first dog inducted into the Surfers' Hall of Fame,

9:37 has died at the age of 16.

9:39 Sugar was known for her famous catchphrase...

9:42 Howling][ Laughter] She didn't like surfing.

9:50 Laughter] -Today, in case you didn't know,

9:56 is National Love Our Children Day,

9:58 which is traditionally celebrated

10:00 500 yards away from school property.

10:03 Laughter] -Experts have found that strong glute muscles

10:09 can increase a person's lifespan...

10:11 but also drain a brother's bank account.

10:14 Cackling][ Laughter] I am a fool.

10:21 -Archaeologists have discovered 12,000-year-old dice

10:25 that they believe Native Americans used for gambling.

10:28 The dig was funded by

10:29 the Institute of Harmful Stereotypes.

10:32 Laughter] -Scientists in Spain are saying

10:37 that they have discovered the male G-spot.

10:40 It's in here.

10:42 Cheers and applause][ Laughs]

10:47 Isn't that beautiful?

10:48 -Yeah, it's really beautiful.

10:50 -The trailer...

10:52 The trailer for the upcoming HBO "Harry Potter" series

10:55 just dropped, giving a new spin

10:57 on the franchise's iconic characters.

10:59 Some fans are especially surprised this time

11:01 Professor Snape will be played by a Black actor.

11:04 Here to comment is Professor Snape.

11:06 Cheers and applause] -[Dramatically] Good evening, Mr.

11:14 Jost!

11:15 -Hello, Professor Snape.

11:17 -[Normal voice] Nah, I'm playin'.

11:18 I don't talk like that, bruh.

11:20 It's called code-switching.

11:22 Codeus switcheum!

11:24 Laughter] -Right.

11:25 Well, how was your year at Hogwarts?

11:27 -Not great.

11:28 We got this new kid.

11:30 His name's Harry Potter.

11:31 And he's racist as hell.

11:34 -Wait a second.

11:35 Harry Potter is racist?

11:36 -Yes, Harry Potter, or "The Proud Boy Who Lived,"

11:39 spent the whole year telling everybody

11:42 that the school's only Black teacher was secretly evil.

11:48 -I think he's just worried because he knows

11:49 someone's trying to steal the Sorcerer's Stone.

11:51 -So...somebody stole something...

11:55 and the number-one suspect is Black Snape?

11:59 He didn't even look in the direction

12:01 of the white guy in the turban.

12:02 Show the picture!

12:04 He's got Wizard Hitler on the back of his head!

12:09 -I'm really sorry that he just jumped

12:11 to conclusions like that, you know?

12:12 -All good.

12:13 It happens all the time.

12:15 I showed up to Hogwarts,

12:16 and the first day, they looked at me

12:18 and said, "You're the professor of the dark arts."

12:22 -That's not— That's not great.

12:23 -You're tellin' me.

12:25 I never even studied that!

12:26 I majored in African Muggle studies.

12:30 Look, the whole wizarding world is racist.

12:33 There's one other Black guy, Kingsley Shacklebolt,

12:36 a name I'm guessing they got out of the Wu-Tang name generator.

12:41 -Yeah, but, look, Kingsley's an important member

12:43 of the Order of the Phoenix.

12:44 -Okay.

12:45 Then why he look like this?

12:49 Everyone gets to wear these dignified robes,

12:51 but they dress him like he sell cocoa butter and incense

12:54 outside of a barbershop.

12:57 -I don't know.

12:58 It's kind of a cool outfit, right?

12:59 -Yeah, for a Haitian cab driver!

13:03 And why they gotta put "Shackle" in his name?

13:04 That's crazy, man!

13:07 Shackle?!

13:10 Shackle!

13:12 -Alright, yes, well, for the very first time,

13:14 I'm starting to think that J.K.

13:16 Rowling might be problematic.

13:18 Laughter] -Okay.

13:20 Uh...

13:21 Bruh, the whole wizarding world is messed up.

13:24 We have magic.

13:25 We have wands that can do anything.

13:27 And people in my world still have slaves.

13:31 -Well, they're called house elves.

13:33 -Yeah, some folk got house elves,

13:35 but I bet you didn't know they got field elves, too.

13:39 They didn't put that in the book, huh, Colin?

13:42 -They didn't, and I would know because I've read

13:44 every "Harry Potter" book hundreds of times.

13:47 -Nerd.

13:48 Ha!

13:50 But I do have one final thing I'd like to say to Harry Potter.

13:54 -To Harry Potter?

13:56 What's that?

13:56 -Boy, your mama was thick as hell, dawg.

14:01 I miss her so much.

14:02 -Black Snape, everyone.

14:04 -You can't call me that!

14:06 -For "Weekend Update," I'm Colin Jost.

14:07 -I'm Michael Che.

14:09 Good night!

14:10 Cheers and applause]