Weekend Update ft. Marcello Hernández, Kam Patterson and Jane Wickline - SNL

0:02 -It's "Weekend Update" with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

0:12 -Thank you.

0:18 -Thank you very much.

0:19 Good evening, everyone.

0:20 -Welcome to "Weekend Update." I'm Michael Che.

0:21 -I'm Colin Jost.

0:27 Today the United States held peace negotiations with Iran.

0:30 But then, just an hour ago,

0:32 President Trump posted, "If Iran doesn't agree to peace,

0:36 the greatest military of all time, ours,

0:39 will "f" Iran right up their Strait of Hormuz.

0:44 Asalam alaykum, you crazy bastards." Now, I completely made that up.

0:53 But isn't it kind of disturbing that you

0:55 all totally believed that he had posted that?

1:00 Cheers and applause] President Trump did genuinely issue a post

1:05 threatening to destroy Iran's entire civilization and then ended

1:09 with the phrase "praise be to Allah." And I know

1:13 that almost makes Trump sound like he is a radical terrorist.

1:16 But remember, Trump has already been to a paradise with 72 virgins.

1:24 -There is growing confusion over whether Israel being allowed

1:27 to continue bombing Lebanon was part of the ceasefire with Iran.

1:31 Ultimately, that decision comes down

1:32 to the man controlling our military, Benjamin Netanyahu.

1:38 Earlier tonight, J.D.

1:39 Vance announced that the U.S.

1:40 and Iran have ended negotiations without

1:42 a deal after talking for 21 hours straight.

1:46 And, guys, I think they're done for real, based on how his mascara's running.

1:51 Laughter] -Before the talks fell apart,

1:54 President Trump warned Iran about making any more demands, saying,

1:58 "The Iranians don't seem to realize they have

2:00 no cards." They're literally holding a "straight."[ Laughter] J.D.

2:12 Vance was asked...

2:13 J.D.

2:13 Vance was asked about Iran's right to enrich uranium,

2:16 and he made kind of a weird analogy.

2:19 Watch.

2:19 -My wife has the right to skydive, but she doesn't jump out of an airplane

2:25 because she and I have an agreement that she's

2:27 not going to do that because I don't want my wife jumping out of an airplane.

2:34 -What the hell are you talking about?

2:37 The only thing that makes sense in that entire

2:40 analogy is that we can all understand J.D.

2:42 Vance's wife having the urge to jump.

2:45 Laughter][ Cheers and applause] -First Lady Melania Trump made

2:52 a rare public statement to deny reports that Jeffrey

2:56 Epstein introduced her to Donald Trump because they

2:59 actually met when Trump cracked open her shipping container.

3:04 Laughter] On Friday, the Artemis 2 astronauts returned safely

3:10 from their 10-day trip around a Hollywood soundstage.

3:15 Laughter] -During the mission, the crew of Artemis 2 sent back pictures

3:21 of the rarely seen dark side of the moon,

3:24 revealing that the moon has a rat tail.

3:27 Laughter]-[ Laughs][ Laughter continues] He wanted more out of that.

3:35 The Justice...

3:36 The Justice Department has formed a task

3:38 force intended to eradicate anti-Christian bias,

3:42 which hopefully works better than the church's

3:44 strategy of molesting it out of you.

3:48 Light laughter][ Che laughs] -California police

3:54 have arrested a man who allegedly

3:56 threw a Molotov cocktail at the home of ChatGPT founder Sam Altman,

4:00 after ChatGPT told him, "That's a great idea!"[ Laughter] -Yesterday,

4:07 Kamala Harris said she is thinking about running for president again,

4:11 and I like her chances as long as she finally grows that penis.

4:16 Laughter] Health Sec...

4:22 Laughter] I tried to keep a straight face as long as I could.

4:24 Health Secretary Robert F.

4:27 Kennedy Jr.

4:28 announced that he is launching a new podcast.

4:31 The podcast is called...

4:33 Mumbling][ Laughter] -It's catchy.

4:42 Yesterday, a report showed inflation spiked to its highest

4:45 point in four years due to the war in Iran.

4:47 Here to comment are two kids from the back of the school bus.

4:54 -What's up, Mr.

4:55 Jost?

4:55 -Mr.

4:56 Jost!

4:57 -Whoo!

4:57 -Hey!

4:59 Guys?

5:00 Calm down.

5:01 Calm down.

5:03 Okay?

5:03 You're here to talk about inflation, okay?

5:06 -Right, right.

5:07 But first, can I just use your phone real quick, Mr.

5:10 Jost?

5:10 I'm sorry.

5:11 Mine got "confiscated." -Well, why did your phone get confiscated?

5:14 -I don't know.

5:15 I didn't do nothing.

5:16 I didn't even do nothing.

5:17 -He didn't do nothing.

5:18 -I didn't even do nothing.

5:19 I don't know why they would take it if I didn't even do nothing!

5:23 -I don't know.

5:23 I find that hard to believe.

5:25 -Okay, fine.

5:25 I posted a video of me swiping a debit card between the bus driver's neck folds.

5:31 -It was funny.

5:32 Back of neck like a pack of hot dogs.

5:35 -It was like "rimp." You know what I mean?

5:36 -Rimp!

5:37 Rimp, rimp!

5:39 -You know what?

5:40 -Declined!

5:41 Rimp-rimp!

5:41 -This is serious, okay?

5:43 I want you guys— You got to focus up, okay?

5:44 Focus up.

5:45 -Okay.

5:46 Seriously?

5:47 Seriously?

5:48 Okay.

5:49 Inflation was up 3.3%.

5:52 Prices are out of control.

5:54 Everyone has been affected.

5:56 Even my boy Grabon can't afford these groceries.

5:58 -Nah, for real.

5:59 I feel bad for Grabon.

6:01 Life is tough.

6:02 -Oh, my God, who's Grabon?

6:04 -Oh, Grabon is a friend of ours.

6:05 It's Grabon Deez Nuts!

6:09 -Got him!

6:11 -Bop-bop-bop-bop-bop-bop!

6:12 -Bop-bop-bop-bop-bop!

6:14 Bop-bop-bop!

6:15 -Got ya!

6:18 -Yeah, I really don't appreciate being shot in the face a bunch of times.

6:22 Also, you're supposed to come out here and talk about the inflation report.

6:25 You've had this assignment for weeks.

6:26 -Nah.

6:26 Chill, chill, chill, chill, chill.

6:28 Chill, chill, chill, chill right now.

6:30 Chill.

6:30 Let me lock in.

6:33 -Lock in.

6:33 Let him cook.

6:33 Let him cook.

6:34 -Okay.

6:35 Inflation report.

6:36 Right?

6:36 Let me ask you a "basing" question of economics.

6:40 -Basing?

6:42 -You got it, you got it, you got it.

6:43 -I got it, -Lock in, man.

6:44 Lock in.

6:45 -All right.

6:45 -You got it.

6:47 -Let me ask you a basic question of economics, okay?

6:48 -Okay, great.

6:49 Yeah.

6:49 -Would you rather eat 100 glizzies or pass away from big-booty disease?

6:57 -Good question.

6:58 Good question.

6:59 I guess I would obviously choose the glizzies.

7:01 -Oh!

7:02 -Oh, hell, no!

7:03 -Oh, hell, no!

7:03 -Mr.

7:04 Jost a glizzy goblin!

7:09 -You nasty, bro.

7:10 -Sick boy.

7:11 -All right, you guys, you're too rowdy, okay?

7:13 You guys need to calm down.

7:16 -Okay, fine.

7:17 Jokes aside, I don't think this inflation will

7:21 predicate a noticeable shift in the Federal Reserve.

7:24 -Yeah, but it does put the Fed between a rock and a hard

7:27 place because they have to promote

7:28 low inflation while still encouraging economic growth.

7:32 -The hell?

7:34 Is that...

7:35 Are you guys, like, secretly smart?

7:37 -Yes, dude.

7:38 We get tutoring from Amanda Cahold.

7:40 She's a genius.

7:41 You know Amanda Cahold.

7:42 -Who is Amanda Cahold?

7:44 -Amanda Cahold deez nuts.

7:47 -Got him!

7:48 Got him!

7:49 -Got him!

7:49 -Got him!

7:50 -Got him!

7:51 -Got him!

7:52 -Bitch!

7:53 -Bitch!

7:55 -That is— You know what?

7:57 I'm calling your mom.

7:58 -No, no, no!

7:58 -We didn't do nothing!

7:59 -We didn't do anything.

8:00 -We didn't even do nothing!

8:01 -I didn't even do nothing.

8:02 -He ain't even do nothing.

8:03 -Why would you call my mom if I didn't even do nothing?

8:09 -Please don't call her.

8:10 She's gonna hit me.

8:11 Please, please, please, please.

8:12 -She's gonna hit him.

8:13 Okay.

8:13 We're sorry, Mr.

8:14 Jost.

8:14 Okay?

8:15 We didn't mean it.

8:17 -Have you even considered how our home lives affect our behavior?

8:20 -Yeah.

8:21 Did you ever stop to think why we are the way that we are?

8:27 -Wow.

8:28 You know, I guess I haven't.

8:30 I apologize.

8:32 I guess I can be insensitive sometimes,

8:34 because when I was younger, I was diagnosed with ligma.

8:38 -Ligma?

8:38 -Ligma?

8:39 -Yeah, it's ligma fat nuts!

8:42 Oh!

8:43 Bo-bo-bo-bo-bo!

8:44 Bo-bo-bo!

8:44 Bo-bo!

8:46 Bo-bo-bo!

8:48 Bo-bo!

8:49 -My God.

8:54 -We're children.

8:56 -Bo!

8:57 Two kids in the back of the school bus, everyone.

8:59 -You're an animal!

9:00 -Yeah!

9:01 -Come at the king, you best not miss!

9:02 -No, no!

9:07 -Why do you have fat nuts, man?

9:13 A new study...

9:14 -Ask God.

9:18 -A new study reveals that sharks

9:20 in the Bahamas have tested positive for painkillers.

9:23 In fact, the only animals that consume more painkillers are tigers.

9:29 Laughter] -A new report finds that the state with the most

9:35 adult children still living with their parents is New Jersey.

9:41 Adult children in New Jersey are calling the report "Ma!

9:44 Why You Gotta Tell Them That For?"[ Laughter]

9:51 British officials have blocked Ye from entering the country

9:54 to perform at a music festival despite his offer

9:57 to meet with members of England's Jewish community,

9:59 which he thinks are the bank goblins from Harry Potter.

10:04 Laughter] -It was announced that when King Charles visits the U.S.

10:08 this month, he will deliver a joint address to Congress,

10:11 where, God willing, he offers to take us back.

10:16 The Gilgo Beach killer has pleaded guilty to eight murders on Long Island.

10:21 And, honey, I hope one of them was your barber.

10:25 Laughter] You like how sassy I am?

10:29 -Yes, I do.

10:31 A number of bars around the country

10:33 have implemented a policy banning cellphones,

10:36 this according to a recent lie a man told his wife.

10:43 -A video has surfaced in which a quadruple

10:46 amputee cornhole champion accused of a road-rage shooting

10:50 is seen firing a semi-automatic rifle and standing

10:53 on his head snorting drugs off a dollar bill.

10:57 So, what's stopping you from living your best life?

11:01 Laughter and applause] -A pig named

11:07 Merlin that can talk using pre-programmed buttons

11:10 has set a new world record for largest Instagram following for a pig.

11:16 And then it set the record for smartest pork chop.

11:23 -You still got that mustache on your finger.

11:27 Doctors are warning against a TikTok trend...

11:31 Laughs] Doctors are warning against a TikTok trend which claims

11:35 people can cure their hemorrhoids by putting sugar on their anus.

11:39 Putting sugar on an anus is also the recipe for Hostess donettes.

11:44 Laughter] You can't unsee it.

11:49 You can't unsee it.

11:53 -Speaking of, a new book on healthy bowel movements has

11:57 been published called "You've Been Pooping All Wrong." And they're right.

12:02 I have been.

12:04 Laughter] -Oh, boy.

12:09 A new study has shown that young people today are

12:12 having less sex than at any other point in history.

12:14 Here to comment is Gen Z Sexpert Lindt Greer.

12:19 -Hi, Michael.

12:20 Hi, Michael.

12:21 -How you doing, Lindt?

12:23 -So, sex, let's talk about it.

12:27 Sex is an incredible piece of the human experience,

12:30 and there's nothing to be ashamed of, whether you're vanilla or disgusting.

12:36 -So you're here to teach Gen Z about healthy sex practices?

12:39 -Yes.

12:40 And sex can look like anything.

12:42 What is it?

12:45 -Are you going to tell us?

12:47 -Of course, Michael.

12:48 Let's get granular.

12:49 Sex can be any shape.

12:51 It doesn't have to be with someone you love.

12:53 It just has to be at night.

12:57 -And you say you're a sex educator, right?

12:59 -I am.

13:00 Sex is complicated.

13:01 It's impossible to understand,

13:03 which is why my sexpert advice is just do whatever.

13:08 -I guess I would hope that as an educator,

13:10 you'd have some guidance beyond "just do whatever." -Well,

13:14 there are only two rules in sex.

13:16 One, have fun and two, no raping.

13:19 -Whoa!

13:22 Whoa!

13:23 -You disagree, Che?

13:24 -No!

13:25 I'm not...

13:26 I don't...

13:28 I just mean that came out of nowhere.

13:31 -Well, raping can come out of nowhere.

13:33 -Okay.

13:35 -Now, sex.

13:35 Let's get into it.

13:37 What is it?

13:38 -You keep asking that.

13:40 -To echo the famous quote, "I can't define sex,

13:44 but I know it when I'm having it." -I have a question,

13:48 and don't take this the wrong way.

13:50 But have you had sex before?

13:56 -I must have.

13:59 If I hadn't, how would I know all of this?

14:03 -All of what?

14:04 Look.

14:05 It's okay if you haven't.

14:07 -Put it this way, Che.

14:08 I've had something that might be sex, and I've had it a lot.

14:12 If I haven't had sex, then what do you think I had?

14:15 -Is that like a riddle or something?

14:17 I don't know.

14:19 -Here's how it went.

14:21 It's night.

14:22 My friend is there, but I don't love him.

14:24 -Okay.

14:25 -I get on my hands and knees, curl my head down towards the bed,

14:29 kick my legs up and go all the way over.

14:32 Then I fall back, breathless.

14:35 -That sounds like you did a somersault.

14:38 -Yes.

14:39 Sex can look like anything.

14:41 -Yeah, but not anything.

14:44 -Well, here's something else I had, and I wonder if it was sex.

14:47 -Go for it.

14:48 -I sat on a catcher's mitt.

14:51 -That's not sex.

14:53 -But it left me breathless.

14:55 -Lindt Greer, everybody.

14:56 -Just do whatever.

14:58 -For "Weekend Update," I'm Michael Che.

15:00 -I'm Colin Jost.

15:01 Just do whatever.