Season 6 Moments to Brighten Your Day

0:08 Alan.

0:08 Surprise.

0:10 [laughter]

0:10 I [clears throat] thought you were with your son go-karting.

0:12 Yeah, uh listen, um I lied about that, but you know, I I I can't lie anymore.

0:18 I was with another woman, but all I could think about was you.

0:23 I'm a one-woman man, and baby, you're that woman.

0:28 [laughter]

0:28 Who is it, honey?

0:29 Just a salesman.

0:30 Go away.

0:31 Wait, no, are you seeing someone else?

0:32 Get lost.

0:33 But but I I I I thought we had something special.

0:36 But who's in there?

0:38 Are you married?

0:39 Because I really thought THAT I THOUGHT

0:44 [cheering] [laughter] [laughter]

0:57 I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPY.

0:58 I THOUGHT SO, TOO.

1:00 I MEAN, come on.

1:02 You had the woman who took all your money and threw

1:04 you out of your house naked and crouched on the sofa.

1:06 There was no sofa.

1:08 It was the divan in her bedroom, and I was doing the crouching.

1:11 Why would you Never mind, I don't want to know.

1:14 [laughter] The point is, you won.

1:17 You had a perfect night of revenge sex.

1:19 That's the fourth best kind of sex you can have.

1:22 Fourth?

1:23 What are the other Never mind, I don't want to know.

1:27 Charlie, the problem is that now that you and Herbert are over,

1:30 she thinks that we're back to square one in dealing with the PTA carnival.

1:39 What?

1:39 The the school carnival that we used to raise money for.

1:44 I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith Iscariot.

1:50 [laughter] Judith Iscariot, who sold out our Lord for 30 pieces of silver.

1:54 What are you talking about?

1:55 Oh, I was just uh uh telling your uncle about this uh this uh

1:58 this great uh cartoon uh Daffy Duck and The Greatest Story Ever Told.

2:04 Sounds lame.

2:05 A classic Warner Brothers animation.

2:10 [laughter] Oh, you really suck at this.

2:15 [snorts] How's it going?

2:15 Almost done.

2:17 What about the railing?

2:18 It's getting dark.

2:19 I won't finish in time.

2:20 No problem.

2:21 I'll give you a hand.

2:24 Gee, thanks.

2:26 You back talking to me, soldier?

2:28 No.

2:29 No what?

2:31 No way.

2:33 No, sir.

2:35 Right, no, sir.

2:36 That's better.

2:39 I don't know what I've been told.

2:43 Screwing with Jughead never gets old.

2:47 Okay.

2:48 Don't wait up.

2:49 Hey, Alan.

2:50 [clears throat] The chimney's a little blocked up with leaves and crap,

2:54 and I thought maybe if I tied a rope around the kid,

2:56 I could lower him down into it.

2:59 Charlie, that borders on child abuse.

3:01 So, it's okay?

3:04 Around his waist, not his neck.

3:05 Good night, Jake.

3:06 Good night, dad.

3:07 I love you.

3:11 Oh, Herb, hi.

3:13 Hey, Charlie.

3:14 Hey, Herb.

3:15 What's up?

3:16 I was just on my way down to the Sand Dollar.

3:17 I thought maybe you and Alan would like to join me.

3:19 It's ladies night.

3:21 What do you say, Alan?

3:22 You can get in for half price.

3:26 Plus, all you can eat popcorn shrimp.

3:28 Wow, just keeps getting better, huh?

3:31 I no, I I I I have other plans.

3:34 Oh.

3:34 Got a date?

3:36 Yeah, Alan.

3:37 You got a date?

3:39 No, a date?

3:40 [laughter] Not likely.

3:42 No, I have a a meeting with the the the the thing about the about the group.

3:47 I I told you, remember?

3:49 No, tell me again.

3:54 A little pickled.

3:57 [laughter]

3:57 Well, if you must know, I I I I belong to a a book club that I am going to.

4:05 Oh, that's right.

4:07 What book are you reading again?

4:09 It's It's a mystery called Why Are You Doing This to Me?

4:15 Oh, yeah.

4:17 It's by the same guy who wrote Because It Amuses Me.

4:22 Boy, I wouldn't have had you two pegged as readers.

4:26 [laughter] Well, there you go.

4:29 Good night.

4:30 Hey, Alan.

4:30 Yeah?

4:31 You talk much to Judith these days?

4:32 Nope, see you.

4:33 Oh, well, if you speak to her, tell her I say hi.

4:36 Okay.

4:37 And that the time we spent together is very special to me,

4:40 and if she needs anything, just call me.

4:44 I'm there.

4:46 You know what's a good book?

4:50 [laughter] Under the Dining Room Table by Richard Gabler.

4:55 [laughter]

4:58 But But it it does not compare to Wait Till Your Liver Fails by Hope You Die.

5:06 [laughter] What do you say, Charlie, yeah?

5:11 Me and you go down to the Sand Dollar, have a few drinks.

5:14 Who knows, maybe meet a couple of nice gals.

5:17 Sure, why not?

5:19 Think that'll tickle your spleen?

5:20 You could always wrangle up some of your prostitute friends.

5:24 Oh, boy.

5:24 Prostitutes and popcorn shrimp.

5:29 [laughter] All you can eat.

5:32 Okay, Herb, let me explain to you something about hookers.

5:38 Oh, man, who's been feeding the seagulls blueberries?

5:42 Well, looks like I'm all done here.

5:44 Guess I'll head back to the booth.

5:47 Don't rub it in.

5:48 They told me I'd be here all day.

5:49 Oh, that's terrible.

5:51 And I'm starving.

5:52 Oh, well, they have the little croissants

5:54 and the and their chocolate chip cookies.

5:59 [laughter]

6:00 Or uh maybe I could take you out for a nice lunch.

6:03 That would be lovely, Alan.

6:04 Thank you.

6:05 terrific.

6:05 Let's go.

6:07 [laughter] This never happened with the Volvo.

6:14 [applause] [laughter] Oh.

6:21 I knew it.

6:22 You're married.

6:23 Oh oh no no no.

6:24 I'm I'm not married.

6:25 This is uh this is just uh A silk evening gown?

6:30 Actually, I think it's chiffon.

6:32 Well, all the same.

6:33 No no no wait, Diane.

6:34 Diane.

6:35 I You've got the wrong idea.

6:37 There's something you don't know about me.

6:39 You're gay?

6:40 No.

6:41 You're a cross-dresser?

6:42 No.

6:42 Cuz you know, I could really get into that.

6:45 Yes.

6:47 [laughter] I am a big old cross-dresser.

6:52 Are you sure this is what you want?

6:55 Yeah, baby.

6:57 It's always been one of my fantasies.

7:00 O- okay.

7:01 Just a little heads up.

7:03 I I'm wearing the panties, but I'm not bikini safe.

7:06 Ass looks huge in this.

7:10 [cheering] Diane?

7:13 The Oh, no.

7:20 Oh, no.

7:21 Oh, no.

7:21 Oh, no.

7:22 Oh, no.

7:22 Oh, no.

7:22 Oh, no.

7:22 Oh, no.

7:22 Oh, NO.

7:22 OH, NO.

7:26 [laughter] OH, NO.

7:26 OH, NO.

7:26 OH, NO.

7:31 NOT BAD.

7:34 [laughter]

7:37 OH, NO.

7:37 OH, NO.

7:37 OH, NO.

7:37 OH, NO.

7:37 OH, NO.

7:38 OH, NO.

7:40 [laughter]

7:43 YES.

7:43 YES, my car has been stolen.

7:45 Yes, just now.

7:46 If you hurry, you can catch Sure, I'll hold.

7:52 [laughter] Why am I not surprised?

7:56 Did it have to be my red Chevette?

8:02 [laughter] ALL RIGHT, MR.

8:02 SHRIPPA.

8:04 HOW'S IT FEEL right here?

8:05 A little tender.

8:07 Yeah, yeah, you got a a spasm right there.

8:10 It's my own fault.

8:11 I was trying to do it in the shower with Mrs.

8:13 Shrippa last night.

8:18 [laughter] The woman is no ballerina.

8:20 Well,

8:22 [gasps]

8:21 sex in the shower is really a young man's game.

8:23 Or a middle-aged man with a skinny wife.

8:27 [laughter]

8:29 Sure.

8:28 What can I say?

8:30 I like a little junk in the trunk.

8:34 [laughter] I I think that says it.

8:35 Slap her on the ass at Christmas, it doesn't stop shaking till New Year's Eve.

8:41 [laughter] Just between you and me, uh she enjoys a little spanking from Santa.

8:50 [laughter] Who doesn't?

8:51 I checked the list twice.

8:54 Always naughty.

8:56 [laughter]

9:00 Uh-huh.

9:00 Could you uh turn on your right, Mr.

9:02 Shrippa?

9:02 I'll try to relieve the pressure on your sciatic nerve.

9:05 Do you cross your arms, please?

9:07 Thank you.

9:08 Okay.

9:14 [laughter]

9:16 Excuse me.

9:18 Oh, no, that uh that happens.

9:20 It's It's perfectly natural.

9:25 [laughter] Oh, dear lord.

9:28 Yeah, that's the garlic clams I had for lunch.

9:31 I like them, they don't like me.

9:34 [laughter] Um if you'll just excuse me for a moment.

9:39 Okay.

9:40 Hey, you know, I feel better.

9:43 Maybe that's where the pressure came from.

9:48 [laughter]

9:48 Where are you going, Dr.

9:48 Harper?

9:49 Home.

9:50 Will you be coming back?

9:53 Dr.

9:53 Harper?

9:59 Oh my god.

10:02 [laughter] You're avoiding my calls, Alan.

10:05 I'm going to die.

10:07 No.

10:07 No, you're not.

10:09 I can feel it.

10:11 You might as well just drive into that tree and kill us both.

10:14 Sure.

10:16 I don't want to go on living without you.

10:20 [laughter] What's the point of it all?

10:22 Yeah, I'm rich, charming, classically handsome.

10:26 I've laid more pipe than a guy who has sex with pipes.

10:32 [laughter]

10:34 But what have I done with my life?

10:36 A few stupid jingles, some kids songs, nothing that really matters.

10:41 Now, now, you're being too hard on yourself.

10:45 I've got no wife.

10:46 I've got no children.

10:48 I'm going to leave this world the way I came in.

10:50 By cesarean section?

10:54 [laughter] Alone.

10:56 For god's sake, I am tired of listening to this.

11:00 There has always been one person in your life

11:02 who's been there for you and loved you unconditionally.

11:08 You mean You're right.

11:14 How could I have missed it?

11:16 It's been in front of me the whole time.

11:18 Yeah, well, you know, sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees,

11:20 even when the forest is in your own backyard.

11:23 Or guest room.

11:26 Rose?

11:30 Yep, the one and only.

11:32 I know, I know it's been a while.

11:36 I was thinking if you're not too busy,

11:38 maybe we can get together, have a drink or something?

11:41 Great.

11:42 So, do you want to meet or should I pick you up?

11:48 [laughter] Okay, I'll meet you back at my place.

11:58 [laughter]

12:00 Small world.

12:01 Yeah.

12:03 Teeny tiny.

12:08 So young, I can't believe it.

12:11 Yeah.

12:13 Who'd have thought smoking, drinking, and whoring could kill you?

12:18 [laughter] I realized it could just as easily be me in there.

12:21 Yeah.

12:24 [laughter] Don't even think that.

12:26 It is a nice casket, though.

12:28 Should be.

12:30 Cost me 10 grand.

12:31 10 grand, wow.

12:33 What can I say?

12:34 I take care of the people I love.

12:36 Could have taken care of me with a freaking robe.

12:40 [laughter]

12:42 Kind of a light turnout.

12:44 You probably get more people with an open bar.

12:46 I'll make sure there's an open bar at mine.

12:49 Oh, now I'm your funeral planner?

12:51 Don't you want a friend or someone you really care about in charge of that?

12:55 No, you do it.

12:58 Good afternoon and welcome.

13:01 We are here to celebrate the life

13:04 and mourn the passing of Andrew Donald Patterson.

13:09 How do we measure a man's life?

13:13 Jeez, this guy's a load.

13:16 [laughter] Don't get a guy like this for me.

13:21 I want someone with a little bit of gravitas.

13:24 I'll see if James Earl Jones is available.

13:26 That [laughter] would be nice.

13:28 A mourn the a time to die.

13:31 A time to reap, a time to sow.

13:36 A time to plant, Thanks.

13:40 What are you doing?

13:41 I was trying to research cars,

13:42 but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google Hummer.

13:50 [laughter] Actually, I would.

13:52 Here.

13:53 I got you something I think you're really going to like.

13:56 Is it a sandwich?

13:58 Why would I get her a sandwich?

13:59 Cuz you want me to be surprised?

14:01 Just open it.

14:04 You know what's a great sandwich?

14:05 The Monte Cristo.

14:07 Cuz it has ham and cheese and it's fried.

14:11 Open the damn box.

14:12 Woah, don't get your period.

14:17 Oh, wow, a mini video camera.

14:19 Pretty cool, huh?

14:20 Is this cuz you think you're dying?

14:22 No.

14:23 No, I just wanted to do something nice for you.

14:26 Before you die.

14:27 Do you want the camera or not?

14:29 Yeah, I want it.

14:30 Then just say thank you.

14:31 Thank you.

14:32 Geez, you need to relax.

14:34 You'll give yourself a heart attack.

14:37 I'll work on it.

14:38 Have a sandwich.

14:39 That always relaxes me.

14:42 [laughter] All right.

14:45 One more gift to give.

14:47 Oh, yeah?

14:49 Saving the best for last?

14:52 I don't know about the best, but it's the hardest.

14:56 Any way I can make it easier?

14:58 Yeah.

15:00 Call Mom and tell her I'm on my way over.

15:05 [applause] [laughter]

15:11 Listen, buddy, you're going to have to make yourself scarce.

15:13 Let me take a cab home.

15:14 You take a cab home?

15:15 I'm doing great.

15:18 [laughter] [cheering] How do you figure?

15:20 You blind?

15:21 First base on the top of my head, second base in my ear.

15:25 [laughter]

15:25 Listen to me, you knucklehead.

15:26 That woman's got to be 10 years older than you.

15:28 So, you're like 15 years older than her.

15:34 [laughter] Step aside, grandpa.

15:37 Okay,

15:38 [applause and cheering]

15:38 fun time's over.

15:39 Go wait in the car.

15:40 You go wait in the car.

15:41 No, you go.

15:42 NO, YOU GO.

15:45 [laughter]

15:45 JAKE, HOW ABOUT I PUT SOME ICE cream in that root beer and make it a float?

15:48 Thank you, that'd be great.

15:51 It's like she can read my mind.

15:54 Go get in the car.

15:57 Fine, I'll just go tell Janine that you want me to wait

16:00 in the car by myself so you can try and have sex with her.

16:06 [laughter] Sit down, you little bastard.

16:13 [laughter]

16:13 That hit the spot.

16:14 I'm glad you liked it.

16:15 The best part of a root beer float is your BURPS TASTE GOOD.

16:19 [laughter] LISTEN, JANINE, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING,

16:24 but I should probably get this little guy home and come back.

16:27 It's way past his bedtime.

16:29 What are you talking about?

16:30 It's not past my bedtime.

16:32 What do you want to bet he falls asleep in the car and I have to carry him in?

16:37 [laughter] What do you want to bet he has to go home

16:38 and take a laxative cuz he's too old to poop normal?

16:44 All right, that's it.

16:45 NOT THE FACE, NOT THE FACE.

16:48 [laughter] WHAT?

16:49 STOP THAT.

16:51 He's kidding.

16:51 I never hit him.

16:52 Jake, tell her you're kidding.

16:53 I'm kidding about that, but he can be verbally abusive.

16:58 [laughter] Not funny, Jake.

16:59 The liquor makes him mean.

17:01 Okay, I didn't want to have to do this, but I am calling your father.

17:05 Let him deal with you.

17:06 I'm going to go straighten up in the kitchen.

17:12 You don't know who you're messing with.

17:14 Are you kidding?

17:15 I THINK SHE'S GORGEOUS.

17:19 OH.

17:20 OH.

17:24 [laughter] YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE MESSING WITH.

17:29 [cheering] [applause]

17:33 DR.

17:33 HARPER, WHAT ARE YOU doing here?

17:35 What do you think I'm doing here?

17:36 Please don't make me guess.

17:38 I'm making you guess.

17:41 [laughter] Correct.

17:50 Oh, honey, who's here?

17:52 Uh Mom, this is my boss, DR.

17:56 HARPER.

17:59 DR.

18:00 [applause] HARPER, THIS IS my mother.

18:02 Hello.

18:04 Hello yourself.

18:05 I understand there's been some inappropriate behavior in the workplace.

18:12 [laughter]

18:11 Yeah, well, about that, I I I I just want you

18:14 to know that I I have nothing but respect for your daughter,

18:16 and I I would never do anything to to I'm just yanking your chain.

18:21 Ain't nothing wrong with bedding the boss.

18:24 That's how I wound up with the old

18:25 princess here and half a Black Angus franchise.

18:30 Come on in.

18:31 I'm watching Hellboy.

18:33 [laughter] Okay.

18:35 Thanks.

18:38 You smoke dope?

18:42 [laughter]

18:41 That's my vagina.

18:44 And that's Melissa's little head poking out of me like a groundhog.

18:52 [laughter] Hey, I guess if she didn't see her shadow,

18:54 I would have had 6 more WEEKS OF LABOR.

18:59 [laughter]

18:59 THAT'S FUNNY.

19:01 YOU KNOW, OF ALL MY KIDS, she was the easiest.

19:04 [clears throat] Just like popping out a ping pong ball.

19:09 That's quite an image.

19:11 Oh, and it was a natural childbirth, too.

19:13 No drugs.

19:14 Just a couple POD buttons and biting down on a rope.

19:20 Mom, would you mind if Dr.

19:21 Harper and I have a little time alone?

19:24 Sorry, honey.

19:25 You kids must be as horny as a couple of drunken rabbits.

19:31 Enjoy.

19:34 [laughter] Oh, and uh Kama Sutra's on the bookshelf

19:36 case you feel like pushing the envelope.

19:41 [laughter] I'm sorry about that.

19:44 Mom never really made it home from Woodstock.

19:47 She's She's delightful.

19:50 I'm just going to close this up now.

19:58 [laughter]

20:00 Don't mind me.

20:02 I'm just going to roll a fatty in the backyard and zone out in the hammock.

20:11 Alan, buddy, I'm getting a little concerned about your drinking.

20:15 I don't have a problem.

20:16 Well, I do.

20:17 You're swilling my good stuff.

20:22 [laughter] Here.

20:24 Have some more Walmart.

20:29 [laughter]

20:28 Thank you.

20:30 What's this?

20:31 Uh diary I kept during Judith's pregnancy.

20:34 Jennifer, Jocelyn, Jasmine, Jolene?

20:37 Those are some of the names that we picked out in case Jake had been a girl.

20:40 Oh, man.

20:42 Can you imagine him as a chick?

20:45 Woof.

20:48 Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out.

20:50 Think about it, though.

20:52 [snorts] Every weekend, me, you, and a big, ugly girl with a bad haircut.

20:57 [laughter]

20:56 I'm going to have a daughter, Charlie.

20:58 Okay.

20:59 Okay.

20:59 First of all, you don't know it's your kid.

21:02 All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith.

21:06 Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith.

21:09 So the only thing we know for sure

21:10 is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a

21:15 [laughter]

21:15 I am aware that technically either one of us could be the father,

21:18 but I know in my gut that this is my sweet bastard child.

21:22 You don't know squat.

21:24 You want to talk technically?

21:26 Technically, maybe neither one of you is the father.

21:30 Oh dear god, Charlie, what have you done?

21:33 Not me, you fool.

21:35 Although if I'd known she was that easy, maybe

21:39 Stop!

21:39 All I'm saying is there could very well be some guy

21:41 in her driveway with a leaf blower pining away for baby Juanita.

21:46 That's just ridiculous.

21:46 Judith won't even eat Mexican food.

21:54 [laughter] Oh, hey, Judith.

22:00 What's up?

22:01 Actually, quite a bit.

22:04 Is something wrong?

22:05 No.

22:06 It's just um I think it's time you knew the truth.

22:10 What truth?

22:12 Marlene Melnick is your daughter.

22:15 [laughter] I knew it.

22:19 For 14 years, I've known it.

22:21 Well, I told her everything and she wants to live with her real dad.

22:26 That's great.

22:28 It's okay, honey.

22:28 Come on in.

22:31 Hi, Daddy.

22:34 [laughter] [laughter] You got anything to eat?

22:48 [laughter] Woof.

22:52 All right.

22:53 We're agreed on a Montessori preschool, but what about child care?

22:56 Oh, well, Judith's mother's already told us we can count on her for babysitting.

23:00 Ooh.

23:02 What?

23:03 Oh, nothing.

23:04 Nothing.

23:04 Eleanor's a lovely woman.

23:05 I'm I'm sure the baby will be fine.

23:07 Oh, okay.

23:08 Good.

23:09 Yeah.

23:10 She's probably got a lid on those demons by now.

23:13 What demons?

23:15 Oh, ah, well, it's no biggie.

23:17 Um, she just had a little rough patch with the prescription pills.

23:21 The intervention, the the rehab.

23:23 [laughter] There was an intervention?

23:27 And rehab.

23:28 Um, three times.

23:31 Three times?

23:32 Well, so far.

23:34 Here.

23:35 God, what the hell happened?

23:38 Golly, I I I didn't want to be the one to tell you.

23:41 Alan, please.

23:43 All right.

23:44 Um, Eleanor was babysitting one night, and when Judith and I came home,

23:50 we found her face down in a bowl

23:51 of Häagen-Dazs with a couple of Percocets in her hair.

23:53 [clears throat] You're kidding me.

23:56 Oh, that's not the scary part.

23:58 Um, we heard some shrieking and uh found baby Jake with his head

24:03 stuck in a doggy door trying to fend off a raccoon.

24:06 A raccoon?

24:08 Yeah.

24:09 Yeah, we we got him all the shots uh just to be safe,

24:11 but he was never the same after that.

24:15 Judith never told [laughter] me about this.

24:17 Well, it's your mother, Herb.

24:18 And what's she going to say?

24:20 I'll tell you what.

24:21 Sneak up on Jake one night wearing a Davy Crockett hat and see what happens.

24:26 [laughter]

24:26 Anyway, uh if you ever need a a sitter for little Jolene,

24:30 you uh you call Uncle Alan.

24:33 [laughter] How's it going in here?

24:33 Oh, honey, good news.

24:35 Alan's offered to babysit, so we don't have to risk calling your mother.

24:40 [laughter]

24:40 GET OUT!

24:43 A RACCOON?

24:44 AND YOU BELIEVED HIM?

24:46 ARE YOU INSANE?

24:49 [laughter]

24:52 UH WHO'S NEXT?

24:53 EVELYN?

24:55 ME?

24:55 Just a little love I carried him for 7 and 1/2 months.

24:58 You'd be surprised how many women are up for the full nine.

25:02 Come on, Evelyn.

25:03 You have to say something.

25:04 Oh, fine.

25:07 Alan, darling.

25:09 You were always the good son.

25:12 Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

25:16 Wait a minute.

25:20 [laughter] Charlie, do you want to say anything?

25:22 Uh Sorry.

25:25 [clears throat]

25:28 Alan, you're my little brother.

25:30 And I know over the years I've tormented you.

25:32 I've embarrassed you in public.

25:34 I've tied you to street lights, car bumpers, the occasional angry animal.

25:41 [laughter] Oh, remember that 4th of July when I used

25:43 your ass as a launch pad for my bottle rockets?

25:47 [laughter] Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is thanks for the memories.

25:53 [laughter] That's it?

25:58 That's all you have to say?

26:00 I suppose I could talk about HIS BED WETTING.

26:04 [laughter] YOU PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE.

26:07 NO, HONEY, it's okay.

26:08 It's No, no, no, no.

26:09 It's not okay.

26:10 You should be ashamed of yourselves.

26:12 This is a warm and wonderful human being,

26:14 and he deserves more, especially from his family.

26:17 I don't even know why you guys showed up tonight.

26:19 Well, I can't speak for anybody else, but I'm getting overtime.

26:24 [laughter] Come on, Alan.

26:25 We're leaving.

26:26 Really?

26:27 Before the cake?

26:28 You don't need people who don't appreciate you.

26:30 Uh well, no, but I do kind of need Charlie's house.

26:34 [laughter] No, you don't.

26:34 You'll come live with me and Mom.

26:36 Right, Mom?

26:37 You know, I did spend a summer in Yosemite doing shrooms,

26:40 so maybe I wasn't an official forest ranger.

26:45 Let's go, Mom.

26:46 We're leaving.

26:47 Okay.

26:49 I'm sorry.

26:49 This This the best bread I ever had.

26:57 Who likes magic?

27:02 I shaved for this?

27:08 Charlie.

27:11 Wake up.

27:11 I need to talk to you.

27:12 Don't move.

27:13 Don't blink.

27:17 [laughter]

27:16 She'll think you're dead and leave.

27:18 I know you can hear me, Charlie.

27:20 She's bluffing.

27:23 [laughter] Just stay still.

27:27 Okay, don't panic.

27:29 You've experienced oxygen deprivation before.

27:34 [laughter] I can't breathe, Mom.

27:36 I'll get it your way.

27:39 [laughter]

27:39 What can I do for you?

27:41 I received a very unsettling message on my answering machine,

27:44 and I would like you to explain it to me.

27:47 Okay.

27:48 Look, sometimes the liquor makes me say hateful things.

27:52 Oh, this message was from some woman named Melissa.

27:56 Alan's receptionist.

27:58 Really?

27:59 From the sound of her voice,

28:00 I'd guess she earns her living baking cookies in a hollow tree.

28:06 [applause] Anyway, she's somehow gotten it into her head

28:08 that Alan is turning 40 on Saturday.

28:11 Yeah, so?

28:12 Is she insane?

28:14 Running around telling people my son is 40?

28:17 I know.

28:18 She's a bad person.

28:21 [laughter] And that's not all.

28:23 She wants me to help with a party.

28:25 Where in God's name could she have gotten such an idea?

28:32 [laughter]

28:31 It's me.

28:34 Maybe the fact that you're his mother confused the poor girl.

28:42 [laughter]

28:45 OH, YOU'RE UP.

28:46 You've been cleaning in there this whole time?

28:50 Sure, let's say I was cleaning.

28:53 Uncle Charlie, if you're going out today, can I pull your car out of the garage?

28:56 No, I don't want you pulling my car out of the garage.

28:58 Okay, I won't.

29:00 From now on.

29:03 [laughter]

29:03 Hey, what's uh what's going on up here?

29:05 Uh terrific.

29:07 This meeting of the worst club in the history

29:09 of the world can now come to order.

29:11 Madam President, you have the floor.

29:14 Oh, I get it.

29:16 Sorry to interrupt.

29:17 Go back to what you were planning doing whatever.

29:22 Oh, apropos of nothing, I like red velvet cake and close-up magic.

29:29 [laughter] Crap.

29:31 Now we have to throw him a party.

29:33 Who?

29:35 Your father.

29:36 Why?

29:37 It's his birthday.

29:39 Oh.

29:40 Can I bring a date?

29:44 [laughter]

29:43 You got a date?

29:44 That depends.

29:45 On what?

29:46 Can I borrow your car?

29:49 [laughter] You don't got a date.

29:52 Ah, you look nice.

29:55 [laughter] I've got to get back to work, Charlie.

29:58 What do you want?

30:00 I just wanted to see you.

30:01 See how you're doing.

30:02 I'm fine.

30:03 Good.

30:04 And how's your family back in Davenport, Iowa?

30:08 I'm from Champaign, Illinois.

30:12 [laughter] You sure?

30:14 I'm sure.

30:17 [laughter] Bastard set me up.

30:19 What?

30:20 Nothing.

30:21 Nothing.

30:22 I miss you.

30:23 I miss you, too, but it doesn't matter.

30:27 Our relationship wasn't going anywhere, and you are incapable of change.

30:30 It's not that I'm incapable, I've just been unwilling.

30:34 Thanks for clearing that up.

30:36 No, no, wait, wait, wait.

30:38 I've been seeing a shrink.

30:40 Really?

30:40 Yeah, and I'm making a lot of progress confronting my what do you call them?

30:44 Personal issues.

30:48 [laughter] Well, I'm glad to hear it.

30:48 Come, sit.

30:54 And check this out, the shrink's a woman.

30:56 A real ball-buster.

30:57 I can't get away with anything.

30:59 Ball-buster?

31:00 Yeah, in a good way.

31:02 You know, a buster of emotional balls.

31:07 You should meet her.

31:09 Are you suggesting we go to couples counseling?

31:13 Uh [clears throat] [laughter] Sure.

31:21 I mean, I want to work on our relationship

31:23 and what better way than couples counseling?

31:27 You're serious.

31:28 Well, of course I'm serious.

31:30 What, you think I'd blurt out something like that in the spur

31:31 of the moment in a desperate attempt to keep you from leaving?

31:35 It occurred to me.

31:37 Well, clearly you don't know me as well as you should.

31:40 All right, couples counseling.

31:42 Wow, I'm impressed, Charlie.

31:44 And me, too.

31:48 [laughter] Okay, I got to run.

31:50 Let me know when our appointment is.

31:51 Sure thing.

31:52 Bye-bye.

31:56 Oh god, what have I done?

32:00 Anyway, I was wondering if there's something wrong with me.

32:02 Because you passed up meaningless sex with strangers?

32:05 Exactly.

32:08 [laughter] That's not like me.

32:10 Hey, you know, I bet strange comes from stranger.

32:14 I wouldn't be surprised.

32:17 So, what else going on with your life?

32:20 Not much.

32:22 I've been gaining a little weight for some reason.

32:26 [laughter] Maybe because I haven't been sleeping well.

32:28 Yeah, that's probably it.

32:32 [laughter]

32:33 Oh, and there's one girl I'm in seeing pretty regularly decided to dump me.

32:38 Huh.

32:40 [laughter] Huh what?

32:41 Oh, nothing.

32:41 It's just sometimes I feel like I'm stealing your money.

32:46 So, tell me about this woman.

32:48 Chelsea?

32:50 Not much to tell.

32:52 She's beautiful, sexy, smart, independent.

32:56 Sometimes when she laughs, she makes a little snorting noise.

33:00 It's really cute.

33:01 Kind of like [clears throat] [laughter] Not as cute when I do it.

33:09 Sounds like quite a catch.

33:10 Okay.

33:11 Why'd she dump you?

33:13 Who can understand a woman's mind?

33:17 [laughter]

33:17 Yeah, we're pretty little puzzles, ain't we?

33:20 [clears throat] [laughter] It's not just me.

33:25 Anyway, for some reason, she suddenly became dissatisfied with our relationship.

33:29 Well, describe the relationship.

33:31 It was great.

33:32 She'd come over a couple times a week.

33:35 Either she'd bring food or I'd have something delivered.

33:37 We'd have sex, then eat, then maybe have sex again, depending on what was on TV.

33:42 And she became dissatisfied?

33:47 [laughter] I know, right?

33:49 Ooh.

33:51 What a sky.

33:51 Geez.

33:53 So, how did you feel about losing her?

33:56 What do you mean?

33:56 What do I mean?

33:58 Come on.

33:59 Charlie Doctors Seuss could diagnose You're stuffing

34:02 yourself with crap to suppress your negative feelings.

34:07 No, I'm pretty sure that's why I drink.

34:10 [clears throat]

34:10 You have a choice here.

34:11 You can dig down and confront your feelings

34:14 so they won't be controlling your behavior,

34:16 or you can keep eating pudding and cookies until

34:18 you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.

34:25 [laughter] Yeah, what else you got?

34:26 You have a better idea?

34:28 What if I could get Chelsea back?

34:30 That would only be a temporary solution.

34:33 So?

34:34 That's what people said about bourbon

34:35 and we've been together for almost 30 years.

34:38 Okay, you're right.

34:38 Go get Chelsea back and all your problems will be solved.

34:43 I'm sensing sarcasm.

34:44 Oh, good.

34:45 We're finally making progress.

34:50 [laughter]

34:51 Bobby.

34:53 Is everything all right, Mr.

34:54 Harper?

34:55 Yeah, terrific.

34:56 Listen, my date's in the ladies room.

34:57 I need you to do something for me.

34:59 Got a problem?

35:00 I'll have the valet bring your car around to the alley.

35:02 I'll open the men's restroom window so you can shimmy out and I'll have a cab

35:05 standing by to take the lady home

35:07 along with the customary chocolate souffle to go.

35:11 No, no, no.

35:12 I'm not breaking up with her.

35:13 I'm going to ask her to marry me.

35:15 I think we need to get some coffee in you.

35:18 [laughter]

35:20 I'm not drunk.

35:21 I know exactly what I'm doing.

35:22 As always.

35:24 [laughter]

35:24 All I need you to do is bring a bottle of champagne,

35:26 pour a glass for her and a glass for me,

35:28 then distract her so I can slip the ring into her glass.

35:31 Oh, how charmingly original.

35:34 You've seen that before?

35:35 Never.

35:39 [laughter] Here she comes.

35:40 Go get the champagne.

35:41 I'll keep the bathroom window open just in case.

35:45 Charlie, there's something I want to talk to you about.

35:48 Okay.

35:51 The other day when you said you loved me, I didn't really respond.

35:55 Yes, you did.

35:56 You said thank you.

35:57 You were very courteous.

35:59 [laughter]

35:59 It's not that I don't have strong feelings for you.

36:01 It's just that taking that extra step is really hard for me.

36:05 Well, don't worry about it.

36:06 I'm sure you'll take that step when it's appropriate.

36:08 Oh, look, champagne.

36:12 [laughter] Ooh, is it a special occasion?

36:13 Every night with you is a special occasion.

36:16 I'm going to miss you, sir.

36:18 [laughter] Oh, dear.

36:25 I hope I'm not having a massive coronary.

36:28 [laughter]

36:31 Oh my god, are you all right?

36:32 I'm not sure.

36:34 Yes, I'm fine.

36:38 Wait [laughter] a minute.

36:38 Elias is not an actor.

36:41 Nothing.

36:42 Nothing.

36:43 A toast.

36:45 Saying what we feel.

36:51 [laughter] What did I just swallow?

36:57 A one-bedroom condo.

36:59 [laughter] What?

37:00 I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass.

37:03 Why?

37:05 [snorts] What do you mean, why?

37:06 I was going to propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot.

37:11 [laughter] That was a ring I just swallowed?

37:12 Who drinks champagne like that?

37:14 I was thirsty.

37:15 Stop yelling at me.

37:17 How in God's name COULD YOU SWALLOW IT SO EASILY?

37:20 HEY, that's one of the things [laughter] you love about me.

37:25 [cheering]

37:24 Problem?

37:25 No problem.

37:25 Go away.

37:26 Car's outside.

37:27 Windows open.

37:29 [laughter]

37:29 Let's go.

37:30 Where?

37:31 The emergency room.

37:32 Why?

37:33 Because I have a ring in my stomach.

37:36 Oh, don't worry about that.

37:37 You'll be fine.

37:38 How do you know?

37:39 When Jake was little, he swallowed a handful of nickels.

37:41 Nothing bad happened.

37:43 Are you sure?

37:44 Absolutely.

37:45 He still shoots one out every now and then.

37:49 [laughter]

37:48 That's my heads or tails.

37:52 Just between you and me, I'm not even sure that they're the same nickels.

37:55 [laughter] Trust me.

37:58 Couple of cups of coffee in the morning, problem solved.

38:03 [laughter]

38:03 I suppose you're right.

38:05 So, you really told her you loved her?

38:08 Yeah.

38:09 Were you loaded?

38:13 [laughter]

38:13 No.

38:13 Were you trying to get her to DO SOMETHING KINKY?

38:17 NO.

38:18 DID SHE catch you doing something kinky to somebody else?

38:23 No.

38:24 By yourself?

38:26 No.

38:27 Then I don't get it.

38:28 What was your angle?

38:30 My angle was I love her.

38:32 Huh.

38:34 Why does everybody go huh?

38:36 What's with the huh?

38:38 We always knew this day would come.

38:40 [laughter]

38:40 What day?

38:41 The day you stop manipulating and conning women.

38:44 The day you dropped your guard and let an honest emotion into your heart.

38:48 Well, that's a good day, right?

38:50 If you don't mind being some broad's prison [laughter]

38:59 What are you going to do now?

39:02 I don't know.

39:03 I can't keep seeing her cuz the relationship's completely out

39:06 of balance and I can't stop seeing her because I love her.

39:09 I feel for you.

39:11 I once loved a guy didn't love me back.

39:13 What did you do?

39:14 90 days in county.

39:18 [laughter] Plus anger management classes,

39:20 which by the way are a total freaking waste of time.

39:27 [laughter]

39:34 Hey.

39:33 Hey.

39:38 Have you ever been in love?

39:41 [laughter] I'm pretty sure if you just put the food

39:47 out he'll find it and eat it when he's hungry.

39:50 Really?

39:51 You think if he was that smart he'd just

39:52 crap in the toilet instead of the litter box?

39:56 Oh, uh did you change the litter yet?

39:58 No, I was actually going to offer you $20 to do it.

40:01 I'll take it.

40:03 [laughter] Deal.

40:04 Haha, I would have done it for 10.

40:07 Haha, I would have given you a thousand.

40:10 [laughter] Whoa.

40:15 Big cat.

40:19 You know what I just realized, Alan?

40:21 Cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?

40:24 No, they're delightful.

40:28 [laughter]

40:28 I'm thinking that sooner or later Chelsea's going to want to move in with me.

40:31 Yeah, you marry her, that's the chance you take.

40:36 And she's probably going to want to bring Sir Craps-A-Lot.

40:41 [laughter] You never know.

40:42 He might want to get his own place.

40:45 I'm guessing he will before you will.

40:48 [laughter] Oh, lord.

40:51 [sighs] This cat's been eating more than kibble.

40:52 This turd's got feathers.

40:58 [laughter] You know, there's a real chance that someday,

41:00 without any kind of warning whatsoever,

41:02 Chelsea will up and decide to get sick again.

41:05 And we're on the air with codeine and bourbon.

41:06 Go ahead, call her.

41:10 [laughter] I'm just saying, I don't think I can go through it again.

41:12 I'm not cut out to be a caregiver.

41:14 Well, you might not think so, but you're doing it.

41:16 You, Charlie Harper, are unselfishly taking care of the woman you love.

41:20 Maybe so, but it's getting harder and harder to love her.

41:24 You don't mean that.

41:26 Oh, Alan, if you'd seen and heard the things I have in the last 24 hours,

41:31 it'd turn you gayer than a French horn.

41:35 Excuse me, but I have witnessed childbirth.

41:38 I saw my son's enormous head poke out of what

41:40 used to be one of my very favorite places.

41:45 [laughter] Thanks for the image.

41:46 I'll never be able to watch the kid pull on a sweater again.

41:50 [laughter] Trust me.

41:51 If you hang in there and show Chelsea that you'll

41:52 stick by her even when she's not at her best,

41:54 she will love you more deeply and intensely than you ever could have imagined.

41:59 And you know this how?

42:00 How else?

42:01 Chick flicks.

42:04 Oh.

42:05 This is not a kitty cat.

42:07 This is a mountain lion.

42:10 Look.

42:10 Hey, hey, hey, hey.

42:21 Nice necklace.

42:23 Thanks.

42:24 Buy it for yourself?

42:25 No, a girl gave it to me.

42:27 Really?

42:28 She must like you.

42:29 Yeah, she's nuts for me.

42:34 [laughter]

42:32 Oh, is she cute?

42:33 I guess.

42:36 Well, you don't seem very happy about it.

42:38 I'm not.

42:39 Why?

42:40 What's the problem?

42:40 She's nine.

42:46 Nine?

42:47 Where would you meet a nine-year-old girl?

42:49 We're in the same math class.

42:53 Is that it?

42:53 Is she one of those advanced students?

42:55 Sadly, no.

43:00 [laughter] But she does help me with my homework.

43:03 Hey, Roberta.

43:05 Chelsea's not feeling well.

43:06 Could you make her some tea and an English muffin?

43:08 Sure, I could.

43:13 But I bet you won't.

43:15 Is that what you're saying?

43:19 Where are the muffins?

43:21 In the fridge, as always.

43:23 Don't condescend to me.

43:26 He does it to me all the time.

43:27 It's very irritating.

43:29 No one's talking to you.

43:30 See, like that.

43:32 That wasn't condescending.

43:33 But that was, right?

43:36 Right.

43:38 Oh, yeah.

43:39 As soon as I get my license, I'm so out of here.

43:41 Sure.

43:41 You can drive your girlfriend to Gymboree.

43:45 At least I have a girlfriend.

43:50 At least I have a girlfriend.

43:55 So, what's the deal?

43:55 Does uh Chelsea have a cold?

43:57 Not sure.

43:58 Cold, flu, something disgusting.

44:02 Maybe she has an STD.

44:04 What?

44:05 I mean sexually transmitted disease.

44:08 I know what STDs are.

44:10 Your uncle helped invent them.

44:13 [laughter] You know they can be prevented by using a condom.

44:17 I know we could have prevented you by using a condom.

44:22 Now we got to use a hammer.

44:27 [laughter] I don't understand.

44:27 Go get me a hammer and I'll show you.

44:31 Okay.

44:33 [laughter] You must be so proud.

44:40 [laughter] Ball-peen or claw hammer?

44:43 Do me a favor.

44:44 When he comes back, just do it.

44:47 [laughter] You don't want to drink?

44:48 Nah.

44:49 When I'm depressed, alcohol just makes me feel worse.

44:53 Yeah, same.

44:53 The trick is to drink past that.

44:58 [laughter]

44:57 Not a sprint.

44:58 It's a marathon.

45:02 You ever think we're both doomed to grow old alone and unloved?

45:05 Couple of pathetic bachelors with no one to talk to but each other.

45:10 Who would do ads for this stuff?

45:13 [laughter]

45:14 So, you going to tell me what happened with Chelsea?

45:17 I can show you.

45:20 Chelsea found this on my phone.

45:24 I ask you, is that worth breaking an engagement?

45:35 [laughter] It's worth breaking a Fine.

45:37 Were you sleeping with this girl?

45:38 No.

45:39 No, she just sent me a few pictures.

45:41 Oh, well, then why do you keep them?

45:45 All right.

45:46 All right.

45:46 All right.

45:46 [laughter] But, you got to understand

45:49 the the the message that this sends to Chelsea.

45:52 Other than, you know, "Got milk?" [laughter] But I'm not cheating.

46:02 There are other forms of cheating.

46:03 There's uh there's uh flirting, there's fantasizing about other women.

46:07 Oh, come on.

46:07 Fantasizing is not cheating.

46:09 To women it is.

46:10 They they don't like the idea

46:11 that you're mentally replacing them with someone else.

46:15 What if I'm mentally supplementing them with someone else?

46:19 [laughter]

46:18 You know, like I'm making love to Chelsea

46:20 and in my mind Rachel Harris IS HELPING OUT.

46:24 [laughter] DOESN'T LOOK VERY HELPFUL.

46:31 NEVERTHELESS, I I I can understand why Chelsea would take a dimmer view.

46:35 Yeah, well, I think she overreacted.

46:37 In fact, I think she owes me an apology.

46:40 Really?

46:40 So, you're just going to sit here

46:41 and wait till she comes crawling back, are you?

46:43 Yes, I am.

46:45 And then, because hell will long since have frozen over, we can go ice skating.

46:52 [laughter]

46:51 It's good that you have a plan.

46:55 If you will pardon me, I have to go pick up Jake at his mother's.

46:59 Oh, good.

47:00 Just what we need to brighten up our weekend.

47:02 A large, sullen teenager with gas and questionable hygiene.

47:07 There's nothing questionable ABOUT IT.

47:11 [laughter] [sighs] THERE WE GO.

47:19 OVER THE HUMP.

47:24 She's my mother, Herb.

47:26 I want her here when I have the baby.

47:28 Yeah, well, I don't need yet another woman in this house yelling at me,

47:31 calling me an idiot.

47:32 My mother doesn't yell, you idiot.

47:35 Okay, I'm going to let that pass because you're pregnant.

47:37 Don't you dare blame this on hormones.

47:39 What's my alternative, Judith, except the fact that I'm an idiot?

47:44 [laughter]

47:46 Oh, Helen.

47:48 Is this a bad time?

47:49 They're all bad.

47:52 [laughter]

47:52 Seven and a half months of bad.

47:55 Don't you walk away from me.

47:56 I'm sorry, I was answering the door.

47:58 That's what we idiots do when we hear a doorbell.

48:01 Hi Dad.

48:02 Bye Mom.

48:02 Good luck, Herb.

48:05 Hi Jake.

48:05 Wish I was going WITH YOU.

48:10 [laughter] I KNEW IT AS SOON AS IT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.

48:18 [laughter]

48:19 OH, COME ON, MELISSA.

48:20 How long are you going to keep punishing me for this?

48:23 O- okay.

48:23 Okay.

48:24 Once again, I did not technically have sex with your mother.

48:30 You want to catch me up?

48:32 Well, you know Alan was nailing his receptionist, right?

48:35 Yeah.

48:36 Apparently, she caught him in bed with her mother.

48:39 What do you know?

48:40 I've been calling him that for years, and now he's up AND DONE IT.

48:45 [laughter] I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR my actions.

48:46 I was stoned out of my mind.

48:50 [laughter] You know, that excuse has never once worked for me.

48:53 Me, either.

48:53 Cops or boyfriends.

48:56 No.

48:57 Hey.

48:57 Hey.

48:57 Hey.

48:57 Your mother put enough pot in that banana bread

48:59 to treat every case of glaucoma in the San Fernando Valley.

49:03 I have a recipe for macaroons.

49:05 Very similar.

49:08 I was so high, I didn't even know who she was.

49:11 We were just colors.

49:14 [laughter]

49:14 I was red, she was blue.

49:16 We were trying to make purple.

49:19 [laughter] Honey, my phone's dead.

49:20 Could I borrow your cell?

49:21 Sure.

49:21 It's on the coffee table.

49:22 Can I let me let me talk?

49:23 Okay.

49:23 So, so bottom line, I was drugged and molested by your mother,

49:26 and I'm the bad guy.

49:29 Man, how many times have I heard you make this phone call?

49:33 Yeah.

49:34 Who'd have thought of the two of us,

49:35 I'd be the one to end up in a healthy, stable relationship.

49:40 [laughter] Who is Rachel, and why is she sending you topless photos?

49:44 Um Yeah.

49:46 Who'd have thought?

49:48 [laughter] [applause and cheering] [laughter]

49:56 What do you think?

49:59 I don't know.

50:02 [laughter] I have this sudden urge to pee sitting down.

50:06 You like the new towels?

50:08 I guess.

50:10 What was wrong with the old ones?

50:12 They didn't match my shower curtain.

50:15 What was wrong with my shower curtain?

50:17 Didn't match your towels.

50:19 Maybe that's how I tell them apart.

50:25 [laughter]

50:24 Oh.

50:25 Oh, please tell me that's one of those Zen sand gardens.

50:30 [laughter] You know very well that's Sir Lancelot's litter box.

50:35 You brought the cat?

50:36 Of course I brought the cat.

50:37 What did you think I was going to do with him?

50:39 I don't know.

50:40 Return him to the wild?

50:44 You're being ridiculous.

50:45 Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?

50:51 Fine, we'll put it in the laundry room.

50:54 Near my clean clothes?

50:55 Forget it.

50:56 So, where am I supposed to put it?

50:58 Oh, I don't think you really want me to tell you where to put it.

51:03 [laughter]

51:03 I'm just saying it's too much.

51:05 Pillows, towels, shower curtains, cat crap.

51:08 I don't like it.

51:09 I don't need it.

51:10 I don't WANT IT.

51:11 WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO, CHARLIE?

51:12 You want me to leave?

51:13 No, no, no.

51:14 You just got here.

51:15 I'll leave.

51:16 It'll make more room for you and Sir Craps-a-Lot.

51:19 Charlie!

51:23 Did I go to your full?

51:24 No.

51:25 I did, and I don't appreciate being called Sir Craps-a-Lot.

51:30 [laughter] Good.

51:34 For some reason, I can't find my house key.

51:37 I hope you're happy with yourself.

51:41 Why would I start now?

51:44 [music] Men.

51:46 [singing] in.

51:52 Can't sleep, huh?

51:53 No.

51:55 This Chelsea moving in thing is really bugging me.

51:58 Why are you up?

52:00 Well, I realized you were out here drinking yourself into a miserable stupor

52:03 over this whole situation and I just want to be a part of that.

52:08 Thanks.

52:10 I hate to say it, but I think Chelsea might be right.

52:13 You don't hate to say it.

52:15 Oh, did I say I hate to say it?

52:17 I meant I can't wait to say it.

52:22 [laughter] But I did admire how you ferociously defended

52:24 an unwinnable position by comparing your relationship to the Titanic.

52:29 That was beautiful.

52:31 Oh, come on.

52:32 Who remembers the names of boats that don't sink?

52:35 Sure.

52:36 Sure.

52:36 I couldn't give you a Zeppelin other than the Hindenburg.

52:40 [laughter] Still, it was not your finest moment.

52:41 There was a time it would have worked.

52:43 Yeah, back when you were dating silicone simpletons.

52:48 [laughter]

52:48 Unfortunately, Chelsea is too smart for your crap.

52:51 Yeah, and there's not an ounce of silicone in those babies.

52:55 Shoot.

52:56 I owe Roberta five bucks.

53:01 [laughter] But more to the point, why are you so afraid to have her move in?

53:04 I'm not afraid of her moving in.

53:06 That's easy.

53:06 Moving her out's the [clears throat] So,

53:09 you're already assuming you're going to break up?

53:10 Oh, come on.

53:11 What evidence is there to suggest that it'll end any other way?

53:15 Well, I think she's capable of a long-term commitment and you you could change.

53:23 [laughter]

53:22 I don't believe that.

53:23 No, I was just trying to be supportive.

53:25 You're not doing a very good job.

53:27 I'm not trying very hard.

53:29 [laughter]

53:32 Let me ask you a question.

53:33 What did you think was going to happen when you and Chelsea got married?

53:35 [clears throat] Honestly, I never thought that far ahead.

53:39 I figured we could stretch the engagement thing out

53:41 for a couple of years and by then who knows?

53:44 Maybe I die, maybe she'd get fat.

53:49 [laughter]

53:49 Well, kudos to you for not bringing that up in the argument.

53:54 [laughter] Wasn't easy.

53:57 You know what you have to do, don't you?

53:59 I don't have to do anything, Alan.

54:02 If not living together is a deal breaker,

54:04 then she's free to break off the engagement and go on her merry way.

54:08 She most certainly is.

54:11 So, you know what you have to do.

54:13 Yes, I know what I have to do.

54:17 Are you done torturing me?

54:18 Almost.

54:20 [snorts] I'm the king OF THE WORLD!

54:30 OKAY, NOW I'M DONE.

54:32 OKAY.

54:33 OKAY, I'M JUST GOING TO COME OUT AND say it.

54:35 Baseball was better with steroids.

54:41 I mean, this guy's leading the league with 11 home runs.

54:45 Back in Sammy Sosa's day, that was a slow weekend.

54:49 Call me crazy, but I think people would pay real

54:52 money to see a meat-covered robot hit a ball 750 ft.

54:58 [laughter] Okay, well, SportsCenter's over.

55:04 Time for sex.

55:08 [laughter] Charlie, please.

55:09 This report's due tomorrow.

55:11 All right.

55:13 I guess our relationship is getting to that mature,

55:16 evolved stage they talk about.

55:18 I guess so.

55:18 [clears throat] Terrific.

55:22 I die soon.

55:24 What?

55:24 Love you.

55:27 [laughter] Remember when you used to close the door and try

55:31 to hit the porcelain so I didn't have to hear you pee?

55:33 Yeah, way back when we used to have sex after SportsCenter.

55:45 Hello.

55:46 Uh hang on.

55:49 Charlie, there's a woman named Mia on THE PHONE.

55:52 WOW.

55:55 [cheering] SHOULD I TAKE A MESSAGE?

55:59 NO.

56:03 [laughter] HELLO.

56:08 OH, hey Mia.

56:09 What a surprise.

56:11 Yeah, Alan mentioned he ran into you.

56:14 Old friend.

56:16 Yes.

56:17 Yes, you heard correctly.

56:19 I am engaged.

56:22 Thank you.

56:23 Yes.

56:25 That was her.

56:26 Oh, she's terrific.

56:32 [laughter] How are you?

56:34 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

56:37 Well, there's plenty more fish in the sea.

56:39 And I'm sure you'll get out there in that old dating pond and catch something.

56:45 [laughter] You know, what?

56:47 A A a fish, not a disease.

56:51 [laughter] Anyway, thanks for the good wishes.

56:53 Bye-bye.

57:01 [laughter] Okay, well, good night.

57:05 Old friend, huh?

57:06 Yeah, she heard that I was engaged and wanted to congratulate me.

57:11 Sweet kid.

57:12 Is this the woman you almost married in Vegas a few years ago?

57:17 [laughter] Charlie.

57:20 I'm thinking.

57:23 Charlie.

57:25 Who told you about that?

57:26 Your brother.

57:28 Oh, really?

57:30 Did he tell you his last girlfriend caught him in bed with her mother?

57:34 Yes, he did.

57:35 What a dirtbag, huh?

57:38 [laughter] So, were you ever [snorts] going to tell me about Mia?

57:43 What's the point?

57:46 Have you told me about every guy you've ever been with?

57:49 Actually, I have.

57:50 My boyfriend in high school, two guys in college, and the man I married.

57:53 That's it?

57:54 Four?

57:55 Back in your day, that was a slow weekend, right?

58:01 Interior.

58:02 Hospital delivery room.

58:04 Day.

58:05 An unconventionally handsome man looks down upon the baby

58:08 that might be his, but which he can never claim.

58:18 Suddenly, a flash of light appears in the sky

58:20 and a flaming meteor plummets [laughter] to the earth.

58:23 That's me holding the baby.

58:26 That's me and the doctor.

58:28 And that's me, Judith, and the baby.

58:31 Who's that?

58:32 Oh, that's just the guy who got his thumb sewn back on.

58:35 I can't get over how into this baby you are.

58:38 It was amazing.

58:39 The miracle of birth.

58:41 If Judith hadn't been there, it would have been perfect.

58:45 So, you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?

58:48 I don't see why not.

58:50 Turns out I like babies.

58:52 And as you know, I'm a long time fan of intercourse.

58:56 [laughter] I know.

58:57 I got to get back to work.

58:58 Okay.

58:59 I'll see you tonight.

59:00 Love you.

59:00 Love you, too.

59:01 Bye, Alan.

59:01 Bye.

59:05 How's that screenplay coming?

59:06 Great.

59:07 Still on page one?

59:09 Yeah, but now it really sizzles.

59:13 [laughter] Hi, Charlie.

59:18 Mia.

59:20 To be continued.

59:23 [laughter] Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men.

59:29 Men.

59:30 [singing]