Your identity, habits, and patterns were designed by childhood wounds | Nicole LePera

0:00 I'm Dr.

0:01 Nicole LePera, the holistic psychologist, founder of Self-Healer Circle,

0:04 a virtual membership community where individuals join

0:07 together to take healing into their own hands.

0:10 New York Times bestselling author, my new book out, Reparenting the Inner Child.

0:17 The inner child.

0:21 So inner child oftentimes is believed to be an ab abstract

0:25 or a metaphysical type concept but in reality it's a body-based memory.

0:30 In childhood before we had logic before we

0:33 had language we had sensation and we had reflex.

0:37 In psychological terms this is known as implicit emotional memory.

0:42 It's that bodybased learning um that again happened in our earliest environments

0:47 which is why so many of us can logically know we're safe.

0:52 Our partner's not leaving us.

0:55 Yet in those moments our body, our emotional body takes over and we

0:59 spiral into a belief that we're being rejected

1:02 or that we're being abandoned because our body

1:06 speaks even quicker than our logical mind does.

1:10 Which is why for many of us insight and awareness doesn't translate

1:14 into changed action because we have all of these implicit emotional memories,

1:18 these scripts in some ways that are running behind the scenes dictating how we

1:23 feel and then what we do even when we logically know better or no different.

1:28 The inner child shows up not only in our reactions but it shows

1:32 up in our adulthood as our habits and patterns and even our identities.

1:37 we become so merged um with the habits

1:40 and patterns that we begin to believe that they

1:42 are just who we are and we lose sight that they are who we've had to become.

1:48 So the overachieving child right might feel like we're just driven when

1:52 in reality continuing to seek success came

1:55 from a childhood where love was conditional.

1:59 For others, independence can feel like a choice

2:01 when in reality it was a protective

2:03 stance when we couldn't depend on people around us to show up for us.

2:08 And sensitivity for some of us feels like our temperament,

2:12 but really it was born out of an environment

2:14 that was so unpredictable that we had

2:17 to develop a vigilance to the environment around

2:19 us to protect ourselves or to keep ourselves safe.

2:23 The most common place that we meet our survival strategies are in moments

2:27 where we're stressed out or where

2:28 we're feeling disregulated and seemingly mindlessly, right?

2:31 We we reach for our phone and we we start scrolling.

2:35 We reach for food and we start eating.

2:38 um we reach for substances and we start using things and we then confuse right

2:43 those things for just a byproduct of who we are or our lack of willpower when

2:50 in reality all of those actions are

2:52 our nervous system or our body's best attempt

2:55 at finding our way to safety or to some

2:59 semblance of connection in absence of that.

3:03 You can tell when you or someone else is reacting from their inner

3:06 child and not their adult self by the size of their reaction.

3:10 When it's really big, overwhelming, all-consuming, all or nothing,

3:14 that's usually a sign that it's from an older time.

3:17 And I'm sure many of us can call to mind

3:21 a moment where someone's reaction took us by surprise,

3:24 seems disproportionate, left us confused.

3:26 Those are moments where again of more often

3:30 than not it signals a similar past experience where

3:34 that person whether it is oursel or someone else

3:37 didn't have the support that we needed to cope.

3:41 So reaction size is a really great marker.

3:44 Inner child reactions feel so intense and disproportionate

3:47 to the moment because we are in a state

3:50 of what is called emotional flooding where physiologically

3:54 we are actually having that big of a reaction.

3:58 We have cortisol coursing through our body and our we are literally flooded.

4:04 our amygdala or the emotional center of our of our brain is overactivated

4:09 while the prefrontal cortex the very logical

4:12 grounding part of our brain becomes underactivated.

4:15 So in that flooded moment in a very

4:19 real sense we become that reaction and that's really

4:23 important to understand because so many of us right

4:26 we can shame that reaction or have been shamed

4:29 when someone tells us just to calm down if

4:32 our reaction doesn't match the moment but in our own

4:36 bodies it does feel as big as it

4:38 is that we're experiencing it because it is big.

4:42 we are flooded with emotion and we don't have the ability to return as quickly

4:46 to a grounded state of presence where we

4:49 can have a more reasonable or maybe responsible reaction.

4:53 So a really common example of a inner child type

4:55 reaction is you're sitting at work and you get an email

4:58 about a meeting that's coming up and you immediately begin

5:01 to spiral at your desk thinking worrying about getting fired.

5:04 So in your adult mind, right, you might know that you're doing well at work.

5:09 Your last evaluation went great,

5:11 but that spiraling reaction of the inner child, right,

5:14 might have come from a time where

5:17 it was more inconsistent your environment or unpredictable.

5:20 So, in a similar way,

5:22 now you're bracing for the worst case where that email means that you

5:26 might be losing your job when in reality that's not the case at all.

5:30 Understanding human development can help us shift

5:33 from seeing uh these moments of reactivity,

5:36 these symptoms or these dysfunctional habits and patterns.

5:39 Shift from seeing it as a deficit to seeing it

5:43 as a very very intelligent adaptation to our earlier circumstances.

5:47 So if we can understand all of the ways in which our needs weren't met

5:51 or begin to explore what it is that we need it in a given moment,

5:55 then we can create a shift then

5:58 in how we're experiencing ourselves in those moments.

6:02 So in childhood, we really adapt based on one question.

6:06 We observe and notice what happens when we reach for connection.

6:10 And if connection was consistently available when we reached out for it,

6:13 we end up learning that our inner child learns

6:16 that closeness is safe and we develop a secure attachment.

6:20 If though when we reach for comfort or closeness,

6:24 it was unpredictable, it was overwhelming or it was unavailable,

6:28 then we might end up clinging toward any

6:32 possible closeness or connection that might be available.

6:35 We might end up bracing oursel because at one

6:37 time we're used to it being so overwhelming.

6:39 Or if it was unavailable, we might end up pulling away entirely,

6:43 developing the belief again that I don't want it or need it as we

6:47 do in an avoidance style because it wasn't available to us at one time.

6:51 So we can think of the inner child as this kind

6:54 of being inside of us that learned to expect certain experiences

7:00 from an in another individual within our relationship and then based

7:04 on those expectations that becomes what

7:06 we commonly know as our attachment style.

7:08 Children develop roles or learn how to show

7:11 up in their environments and in their relationships

7:14 to secure connection and belonging because

7:16 in childhood that is what sustains our existence.

7:19 So in childhood if we have learned that there was no space for us

7:26 right we might turn into an underachiever

7:29 who continues to keep ourselves small not

7:31 to share ourselves with the world because at one time avoiding that presence

7:38 in our childhood was was safe overachieving

7:40 on the other side of that is very common.

7:43 And when we learn that love was conditional,

7:45 we begin to make our sense of worth based on or our value

7:51 based on our achievement or based on how we're showing up in the world.

7:56 Again, people pleasing is a is a very common experience.

7:59 If in childhood tending to the world,

8:02 the emotional climate around us created safety,

8:05 then we continue to be the overextender

8:07 or the caretaker in our adult relationships.

8:11 When we ignore our inner child and its unmet needs, it doesn't go away.

8:15 It continues to drive our habitual over or under reactions

8:19 or even the roles that we're playing in our relationships.

8:23 When we lacked attunement, when we lacked attention, when we lacked safety,

8:28 our nervous system will continue to seek it out

8:30 in the only way that it once knew how.

8:33 And the longer we continue to repeat or live within those habits,

8:38 the more we become convinced that there's no other possible

8:42 way to be that that is just who we are

8:45 and how we are not understanding that it is our inner

8:48 child and it's unmet needs that are driving those habitual reactions.

8:52 So until we begin to acknowledge the role that our past

8:56 is playing and begin to create new choices, we become fused.

9:01 we call personality patterns that we had to develop

9:05 to adapt to our earliest circumstances and reflexes.

9:08 We take them to be a just who we

9:11 are when in reality they're who we've learned to be.

9:16 Understanding the impact that our parents had on us

9:19 really means acknowledging and observing all of the ways

9:22 in which we are still seeking safety or trying

9:25 to create security when we didn't once have that.

9:29 And being able to acknowledge maybe the limitations of our parents as again

9:34 individuals who were raised by parents themselves who might not have had

9:39 the tools can give us a bit of context can give us

9:42 a bit of grace and compassion maybe for ourselves maybe for our parents.

9:46 Though it absolutely doesn't remove the impact.

9:49 It's helpful to hold space for both when we can understand what shaped us

9:55 and at the same time acknowledge the impact

9:57 that it might still be having in our life.

10:00 Becoming aware of our inner child is the first

10:02 step in changing those actions or those reactions because without

10:06 awareness we are going to continue to run on autopilot

10:10 doing the same things that we have always done.

10:14 Though change is created through new choices

10:17 um new choices that begin with our body, new actions that we can take,

10:22 giving our body a felt sense of security where we didn't once have that.

10:27 So we really need to pair insight with action.

10:31 Our nervous system doesn't learn by logic alone alone.

10:34 It learns by new lived experiences.

10:37 Which is why through all of the work that I offer,

10:41 it is built on the foundation of reconnecting with our body,

10:45 seeing those moments where we're overwhelmed, flooded,

10:48 reliving older reactions or reenacting our past so

10:51 that we can actually begin to make those new choices.

10:55 Again, quite literally teaching our nervous system a new way to experience

10:59 the present moment so that I can not only do things differently,

11:03 I can come to believe and then ultimately feel differently.

11:08 A really immediate way that all of us

11:10 can get reconnected with our inner child is

11:12 by finding an old photograph of that child

11:14 and taking a moment and taking a look at it.

11:17 When you look at a photograph,

11:19 your brain will automatically begin to react to the size of yourself,

11:24 the vulnerability, your facial expression,

11:27 and it will immediately then increase compassion and empathy and make it

11:32 really hard to dismiss that little being or call it too dramatic

11:37 or too over the top and help you really to tune into maybe

11:42 what that felt experience of childhood looked like or was like for you.

11:47 And even if you don't have a a photograph,

11:50 kind of accessing our childhood through

11:53 our senses can be an incredibly helpful practice.

11:56 Um, even just taking a moment right now and closing your eyes and maybe calling

12:01 to mind a childhood home of yours or maybe a particular room in the home

12:06 or a space where you spent a lot of time as a child

12:10 and taking a moment and really tuning

12:13 into whatever is coming alive in your mind.

12:16 Maybe even smelling the aromomas or seeing the sights

12:19 of whatever it was that was around you.

12:23 Taking a moment to notice what you're doing.

12:26 What facial expression do you have on?

12:29 What does your body look like?

12:31 How are you holding yourself?

12:33 Is anyone else present around you?

12:36 And instead of needing to focus or worry too much about

12:39 the accuracy or the details or even thinking about what happened,

12:43 maybe just take a moment and drop in and ask yourself, what did I need?

12:49 Did I need attention?

12:51 Did I need safety?

12:52 Did I need protection?

12:55 Because this is really a practice of reconnecting

12:58 with that being that still is inside of you.

13:01 It's a practice of empathy,

13:04 of being with in a compassionate way that part of you so

13:10 that you you can give yourself then an opportunity to begin to incorporate

13:15 that part into your daily life and begin to show up differently

13:19 and show that inner child a new response from your now adult self.

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