Trump Says He Will Reach Iran Peace Deal "the Nice Way or the Hard Way"

0:01 -Good evening, everybody.

0:01 I'm Seth Meyers.

0:02 This is "Late Night." We hope you're doing well.

0:04 And now, if you don't mind, we're gonna get to the news.

0:06 FBI Director Kash Patel

0:08 filed a $250 million defamation lawsuit yesterday

0:12 against The Atlantic magazine

0:14 over an article alleging that Patel has abused alcohol.

0:18 Said Patel this morning,

0:19 "Oh, man, I did?"[ Laughter]

0:23 That's right, Kash Patel filed a $250 million lawsuit

0:27 against The Atlantic magazine over an article alleging

0:29 that Patel has abused alcohol,

0:31 though you'd have to be pretty drunk

0:32 to think a print magazine

0:34 can afford $250 million.

0:37 Laughter] The U.S.

0:39 and Iran are reportedly negotiating

0:41 over a three-page plan to end the war.

0:43 Specifically, Trump's trying to negotiate them down

0:46 to one page.

0:47 Laughter] [As Trump] No way I'm reading three pages.

0:52 [Normal voice] In a new interview, President Trump said

0:54 that he will reach a peace deal with Iran

0:56 and added, "It will happen one way or another,

0:59 the nice way or the hard way."

1:00 The nice way or the hard way?

1:02 That's not how you reach a peace deal.

1:04 That's something you yell

1:05 during a bank robbery.

1:07 Laughter] President Trump criticized Spain's economy

1:11 in a post over the weekend on Truth Social

1:13 and said that the country is "sad to watch,"

1:16 adding, "They can't even afford full-sized entrees."[ Laughter]

1:25 A new Grateful Dead app launched last week,

1:27 which features high-quality recordings of more than 400

1:30 full live shows in better than CD quality.

1:32 Said Dead fans, "Wow, it sounds even better

1:35 than I don't remember."[ Laughter]

1:39 In honor of Star Wars Day,

1:40 the dairy brand TruMoo

1:42 is offering a vanilla-flavored blue milk

1:45 that has eight grams of protein per serving.

1:47 Because if someone hands you a glass of blue milk,

1:50 the first question you'll have is,

1:52 "How much protein is in it?"[ Laughter]

1:57 A humanoid robot won a half marathon

1:59 on Sunday in Beijing,

2:00 with a time nearly seven minutes faster

2:02 than the human world record.

2:04 And if you think that's impressive,

2:05 some other dude smoked them all by 45 minutes

2:08 with a machine he calls

2:10 a Nissan Altima.

2:12 Laughter] The food company Perdue Farms announced last week

2:16 it will offer so-called 6-7 chicken nuggets,

2:19 even though everybody who thought 6-7 was funny

2:21 is now too old for chicken nuggets.

2:25 Laughter] A 101-year-old New Zealand man was recently named

2:28 the world's oldest croquet player.

2:31 Here he is pictured next to the world's youngest croquet player.

2:35 Laughter] That's right, a 101-year-old man in New Zealand

2:40 has been named the world's oldest croquet player.

2:43 Well, just be careful

2:45 which balls you're hitting.

2:47 Laughter and groans][ Laughter]

2:54 I'm a little worried about what's coming next.

2:57 That was a monologue, everybody!

3:00 Cheers and applause] We've got a great show for you tonight.

3:03 You know her from "Parks and Recreation"

3:05 and "The White Lotus."

3:07 She's the co-creator and star

3:08 of the new animated series "Kevin,"

3:10 streaming now on Prime Video.

3:11 One of our favorites.

3:13 Our friend Aubrey Plaza is back on the show.

3:16 Cheers and applause] You know him from "Stranger Things"

3:19 as well as Broadway shows

3:20 such as "Dear Evan Hansen" and "Sweeney Todd."

3:22 Currently, he's starring in "Pizza Movie,"

3:24 streaming now on Hulu.

3:25 Gaten Matarazzo is here, everybody!

3:28 Cheers and applause] First time.

3:30 I'm so excited.

3:31 And he's a multi-talented, Emmy-winning actor,

3:33 writer and producer you know from shows

3:35 such as "Scandal" and "Hacks."

3:37 He both stars and executive produces on "The Comeback,"

3:40 which airs Sundays on HBO and HBO Max.

3:43 Dan Bucatinsky is also joining us!

3:46 Cheers and applause] "Family Trips" this week

3:48 with Jason Schwartzman.

3:50 Give it a listen.

3:51 He's always fantastic.

3:52 Well, you guys, it's finally spring.

3:54 Everyone's cleaning out their closets, planting their gardens.

3:56 And that includes my writers.

3:58 You know, they write hundreds of jokes every day

4:01 just to get the 10 or 12 we use in the monologue.

4:03 And honestly, a lot of those jokes just, uh,

4:06 aren't good.

4:08 You know, sometimes I even think

4:09 they throw in a couple of stinkers on purpose

4:11 just to fill the page, just to meet the assignment.

4:14 But just because it's allergy season,

4:16 that doesn't mean we can tolerate laziness.

4:18 Which means it's time for another "Surprise

4:21 Inspection!"[ Bugle call playing][ Cheers and applause]

4:28 So, here's how this works.

4:29 I'm going to read some real jokes

4:31 that were really submitted by my real writers.

4:33 Some are dumb, some are offensive,

4:35 some are just insane.

4:37 Most importantly, my writers don't know we're doing this,

4:40 and because they don't watch the show, they'll never know.

4:43 Laughter] And as a reminder, these are jokes

4:46 that were worse than the croquet balls joke we read.

4:51 Laughter] So, that— they didn't hit that high bar.

4:57 So based on how you reacted to that

5:00 is why I'm currently

5:02 super worried.

5:04 Laughter] President Trump is set to host a celebration

5:08 for National Agriculture Day tomorrow at the White House,

5:11 with nearly 1,000 farmers

5:13 and probably a couple hoes.

5:16 Laughter] Now, we will, for the purpose of shaming them,

5:23 be showing the photos of each writer who wrote the joke.

5:26 And the first one was by this gentleman, Mike Scollins.

5:29 Laughter] Sadly, you're gonna get used to him.

5:34 Laughter] Today was National Funeral Director and Mortician Recognition Day.

5:40 Congrats!

5:41 You "urned" it!

5:43 Laughter and groans][ Laughter][ Cheers and applause] -Yeah.

5:53 Cheers and applause continue]

5:56 Scollins with back-to-back inanimate object punchlines.

6:01 According to the latest numbers,

6:03 the price of period products has increased since 2020

6:07 to nearly $7.50 per unit...

6:10 unless you know how to pull a few strings.

6:13 Audience groans][ Laughter] Please be a female writer,

6:19 please be a female writer,

6:20 please be a female writer.

6:22 Show me, Alex.

6:23 [Bleep][ Laughter] That's Matt, everybody.

6:32 If you see him in the street,

6:34 feel free to slap him.

6:36 Laughter] According to the latest numbers, the price of per—

6:40 We're doing another one?

6:42 Laughter] The price of period products has increased nearly 40% since 2020,

6:48 leaving all their customers in the red.

6:51 Audience groans] Please be a female writer, please be a female writer,

6:56 please be a female writer.

6:58 [Bleep][ Laughter and applause]

7:06 A pig named Merlin...

7:08 -Whoo!

7:09 -Alright.

7:10 Yeah.

7:11 Okay, it's a cute pig.

7:13 It's gonna be a happy ending.

7:15 I'm not worried about this one.

7:17 A pig named Merlin recently set a Guinness World Record

7:20 for the most followers on Instagram.

7:22 Oh, so THEY'RE allowed

7:24 to post hog?

7:26 Laughter and groans][ Laughter and applause]

7:45 What human instinct is making you applaud for that?

7:48 Laughter] Six Flags Over Texas recently announced

7:51 a new chaperone policy for guests under 17 years old.

7:54 "I'll do it," said R.

7:56 Kelly.

7:58 Audience groans] And we don't have to change the picture

8:04 'cause he actually wrote that one.

8:06 Laughter][ Cheers and applause]

8:16 Somehow we brought a golf audience in.

8:19 Laughter] During his confirmation hearing today

8:21 for Homeland Security Secretary,

8:23 Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin said

8:25 he fell in love with his wife in third grade.

8:27 "Me too," said one man.

8:29 Laughter and groans] Alright, so, like, you guys know how you feel.

8:35 You don't have to clap for this guy.

8:39 And they don't.

8:41 Laughter] Alright, and finally, we have one last chance to win you back.

8:46 Is it Scollins?

8:46 Can you show me?

8:47 It is.

8:48 Alright.

8:48 So, Scollins.

8:49 We let Scollins— tank top Scollins—

8:50 write the last joke here.

8:52 And, um...I dunno.

8:54 I'm hopeful.

8:55 I'm hopeful we can save this thing.

8:57 That we collectively can just laugh

8:59 and not feel bad about ourselves.

9:01 I think that'll be really important

9:03 for the rest of our week.

9:05 Let's put ourselves in Scollins' hands.

9:08 Light laughter] And finally, Duncan Hines has introduced

9:12 new Peanuts-themed baking mixes.

9:15 And I know someone who'd love to eat Peppermint Patty.

9:19 Laughter and groans][ Pencil tapping][ Laughter][ Cheers and applause]

9:36 Ah.

9:39 What did we...

9:41 What have we learned today?

9:43 Yeah.

9:44 Alright.

9:45 Let's think about it during the commercial break.

9:47 This has been "Surprise Inspection!"[ Bugle call playing][ Cheers and applause]

9:54 We'll be right back with Aubrey Plaza, everybody!