Explaining the Emotional Unavailability Crisis

0:00 One of the biggest issues I hear about dating today

0:02 is the epidemic of emotionally unavailable people flooding the dating market.

0:08 I particularly hear this from women who say it about men,

0:11 but it can be gender agnostic.

0:13 The complaint goes like this.

0:15 Matthew, I have met a great guy.

0:17 We are getting on well, but the conversations stay surface level.

0:22 I can't seem to get him to open up or go deeper with his feelings.

0:25 He can't even process and register his own

0:27 emotions until I point them out to him.

0:31 I just want him to be vulnerable.

0:33 Why can't he do it?

0:34 This video is going to show you exactly what men fear in opening up and how

0:39 to increase his chances of becoming more emotionally

0:42 available and building a longlasting relationship with you.

0:46 It's also a bit of a personal video because in some ways I

0:49 was this guy and I had one experience in my life where opening up

0:52 completely turned me off to the woman

0:54 I was seeing and another completely different

0:57 one that drew me in to the point where I eventually married that woman.

1:01 We're going to talk about the difference between those two moments today.

1:05 If you are new here,

1:06 I'm Matthew Hussy and I've been helping people find love for almost 20 years.

1:10 I've also written two New York Times bestsellers on this subject.

1:14 Don't forget to subscribe and like this video and let's get right into it.

1:18 Many years ago, I opened up to a woman about an insecurity I

1:22 had been bottling up for fear of it making me less attractive to her.

1:26 Her response when I finally said it, I find that really unattractive.

1:32 She actually said that and it hurt so bad and I had no idea what to do

1:39 with that hurt because there was no way now

1:41 that I was bringing that hurt up to her.

1:44 It created this strong association for me that opening up meant losing my power.

1:49 I think that's what so many of us love about

1:51 early dating is how bulletproof we get to pretend to be.

1:56 So that situation went horribly.

1:58 Flash forward to many years later when I was dating a different person who

2:04 in the course of our early dates mentioned

2:06 another guy in a way that triggered my jealousy.

2:09 Looking back, it made me feel threatened and afraid.

2:12 But back then, all I registered was,

2:16 "How dare she still be attracted to this tall, handsome,

2:20 successful rogue from the past?" And I knew that this time

2:24 I would not give up my power by talking about it.

2:28 And I didn't want to give this smoldering Flynn Ryder

2:30 or whatever his dumb name was any power over me.

2:33 So I did what any smart person would do.

2:35 I became moody, quiet, and I ruined lunch.

2:39 Then after a couple of hours of gaslighting

2:41 her about there being absolutely nothing wrong with me.

2:44 We eventually fought, at which point she told me I was

2:47 being grossly unfair for how I was treating her.

2:50 Then I called a friend who I knew would tell me I was right to be mad,

2:53 and his advice was, "Fuck that shit." But here was the problem.

2:58 I couldn't get out of my head how reasonable she had been.

3:01 Sure, she told me it was unfair of me

3:03 to take my feelings out on her in that way, but she wasn't mean.

3:06 She wasn't shaming.

3:08 And I started to get in my own head thinking that this was

3:11 a situation where I might be in danger of sabotaging a good thing.

3:15 When we met up again later that night, she said, "What's wrong?

3:19 Talk to me." This time, I shared how her comment actually made me feel.

3:24 And well, have you ever had

3:26 a vulnerability hangover instantly where you thought,

3:30 "What the hell have I done?" Because that was me.

3:33 And my response was to go cold all over again, which is embarrassing.

3:38 But then when she finally got me to talk,

3:41 I explained that now that I've said these things,

3:44 it is going to affect how she sees me.

3:47 And then I got mad all over again.

3:49 first at her for compassionately creating a space for my real feelings to come

3:53 out and then at myself for foolishly

3:55 falling into the vicious web of her empathy.

3:58 But what she said next instantly brought us closer together and to this day

4:03 remains one of the most healing moments in any relationship in my life.

4:07 She said that she didn't find me any less sexy,

4:12 that it doesn't negate all of those moments when I was strong or in control,

4:17 and that if anything, it just made her feel closer to me, which she loved.

4:22 If you couldn't tell, and you're still wondering, this person is now my wife.

4:26 Her name is Audrey.

4:29 But nothing about that happy ending was a given.

4:32 Had I not been able to share what was really going on with me,

4:36 or had she responded to my vulnerability with shame or judgment,

4:40 we would both have sabotaged our futures that day.

4:43 Are you seeing someone right now whose self-sabotaging because

4:46 their emotional unavailability is stopping them from fully committing to you?

4:50 Maybe when it comes to conversations about where it's going,

4:53 it's like pulling teeth and there is

4:55 so much resistance to calling it a relationship.

4:58 I have a free video training download that shows you

5:01 exactly what you can do in a situation like this.

5:04 I had my own mental roadblocks when it came to commitment,

5:07 but the way that me and Audrey talked about them

5:09 was responsible for getting me out of my own way.

5:12 This video is going to walk you through exactly what that conversation

5:16 looked like get you out of situationship

5:19 limbo with someone and into exclusivity, even if the conversation has gone badly

5:24 with them when you've tried to have it before.

5:26 You can check it out and download it for free at leavelimmbo.com.

5:31 In hindsight, I never thought I was emotionally unavailable.

5:34 And yet, the things that I shared most

5:36 of the time were safe and comfortable to me,

5:39 even if they looked vulnerable from the outside.

5:42 It's a bit like when someone who's made it

5:44 in business tells you of their rags to riches story.

5:47 It's not really a story of their vulnerability.

5:49 It's a hero's journey story about how awesome they are.

5:53 Real vulnerability scares the[ __] out of us because we don't

5:57 know if someone's going to accept us after what we've just said.

6:00 Now, most of this guardedness isn't conscious.

6:02 It's just part of life.

6:03 We eat, we breathe, and we keep

6:05 our scariest thoughts to ourselves where they belong.

6:08 This is rife among men who believe that if a woman were to really know them,

6:13 they wouldn't be accepted at all, let alone adored.

6:17 So, they keep lifting weights, climbing status ladders,

6:20 and using stoicism as an excuse not to have feelings about things.

6:24 These men have decided that while women

6:26 may say they want an emotionally available man,

6:28 they simply do not have the capacity to receive one.

6:32 In one Reddit post, someone asked, "How often has opening up to your girlfriend

6:36 or partner actually ended badly?" Many of the responses said,

6:41 "Every time." One response read,

6:44 "Many women I've dated in the past have received it

6:46 with hostility or straight up told me that they couldn't

6:49 see me as a man anymore." This was in response

6:52 to him opening up about his issues around depression and anxiety.

6:56 If you're a man and you're watching this, please

6:58 know that the right relationship is one that allows

7:01 you to open up and be vulnerable

7:03 with your partner without them losing their attraction for you.

7:06 And this doesn't mean that we go into every day

7:09 of our relationship being an emotional burden to our partner.

7:12 Women want to feel that they're with someone who's resilient and strong and can

7:15 lead and be decisive and take charge in life when the timing calls for it.

7:20 Ironically though, one of the most attractive and counterintuitive things

7:23 we can do as men is actually own our vulnerability.

7:27 That means instead of letting it wound you

7:29 when someone fails you in a moment of vulnerability,

7:32 use it as a moment to stand up for yourself.

7:35 Tell them, "Hey, that sucked for me the other day when

7:37 I shared that with you and you reacted how you did.

7:40 I'm a strong person, but I have to be able to share myself with you,

7:44 especially when I need support.

7:46 I'm there for you in those moments.

7:48 I deserve for you to be there for me, too.

7:49 If you, as a man watching this, find yourself being closed off with a partner,

7:53 it can either be a sign to work on accepting more of yourself,

7:57 which ironically will make you more attractive to the person

8:00 you're with, or it could be a sign

8:01 that you're in a relationship where you can't be

8:03 your true self because it's not welcome and accepted,

8:06 in which case it's not worth it.

8:08 For the women watching,

8:09 a gentle way to receive vulnerability is to understand where that comes

8:14 from for him rather than simply judging it on the surface level.

8:18 When I look back in my life at people I judged when I dated them,

8:21 I often think, "Oh, they weren't crazy.

8:23 They had been through something in their life." And in some cases,

8:26 I realize, "Oh, they weren't acting jealously in early dating.

8:30 I was a shitty person to date whose behavior didn't

8:33 make them feel secure." You once shared the rat queen story,

8:36 but that's actually a pretty big thing.

8:38 So, I get that.

8:39 She kept rats as pets and I I for whatever

8:42 reason at the time was just a bit like, "Oh, I don't think this is for me."

8:45 That's not petty.

8:46 That's like I mean, it was a bit It was very judgmental.

8:49 It was judgmental.

8:50 Not a day goes by when I don't think we could have worked.

8:55 He says to his six-month pregnant wife.

9:00 One of the things that's incredibly healing for a man

9:03 to hear is that it's okay to be many things.

9:06 You love the leader in him.

9:08 You love the primal caveman he can be in the bedroom.

9:11 You love the way he makes you feel safe in life.

9:14 But you also love the part of him that struggles sometimes or felt

9:17 insecure about something today or who feels anxious about life right now.

9:22 And one doesn't negate the other.

9:24 Now, if you're a woman who's watching this and you're thinking,

9:27 "I want a man who's emotionally open,

9:29 but I can't be his only source of emotional intimacy.

9:32 It makes me feel like his therapist or his mom,

9:35 and it kills attraction for me." Here's what I'd say.

9:38 If he goes to insecure, anxious,

9:40 or depressed states so regularly that it's affecting

9:43 your relationship or even your attraction for him,

9:46 frame the conversation in terms of what you need.

9:49 In other words, you don't say, "This depressed,

9:52 anxious state you keep going to is weak and it turns me off." You say, "Hey,

9:57 I'm also a person who gets tired and scared and anxious

10:01 sometimes and needs support and I need my man." Most importantly,

10:05 I need you to take a break from those states sometimes

10:08 because I need my teammate today or this week or this year.

10:13 Here's what's special about this language.

10:15 It doesn't position you above him as a person who's got

10:18 it all figured out and is looking down on his pathetic states.

10:23 It positions you as teammates.

10:25 It is much more motivating for a man to hear

10:28 that he's being a bad teammate than he's being an unattractive man.

10:32 One makes him want to show up and be there for his woman.

10:35 The other makes him feel he's not enough for his woman.

10:39 None of this means that someone who's struggling

10:41 in an ongoing way shouldn't seek therapy or coaching.

10:44 And if the ongoing burden

10:45 of the relationship is continuously weighted towards you,

10:48 there is no shame in accepting that you need to move on.

10:51 Just remember, someone who appears confident all

10:54 the time may be alluring in early dating.

10:57 But that doesn't mean they don't have raw parts.

11:00 They might just be too afraid to accept those parts in themselves.

11:03 Which is why a encouragement and acceptance of vulnerability matters.

11:08 And B, if you're lucky enough to find

11:10 a man who's already vulnerable in the right way,

11:13 it might be worth considering how much time

11:15 and energy that man has already saved you, how much more honest it is,

11:19 and ultimately how much more intimate that relationship

11:22 may turn out to be long term.

11:24 Let me know in the comments if you

11:25 have struggled to receive vulnerability in the past,

11:28 how you've changed or evolved today, and if you're watching as a man,

11:31 how women have reacted to your vulnerability in the past.

11:34 I'm really looking forward to reading your comments.

11:36 I'm looking forward to responding to your comments.

11:38 I've been investing a lot of time this year in being in the comment

11:42 section with you guys and being part of the conversation, which I'm loving.

11:46 And I'm looking forward to seeing

11:47 what conversations sprout out of today's video.

11:50 I'll see you in there.