Kitchen Table Talk with the Harpers

0:00 Good morning everyone.

0:02 Morning.

0:02 Good morning.

0:02 Looks to be a beautiful day.

0:04 Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours,

0:07 leaving us with another sundappled afternoon in paradise.

0:10 You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?

0:15 No, ma'am.

0:15 I am quite simply high on life.

0:22 Woof.

0:22 I am not drunk.

0:23 Alan, guess what I did last night?

0:27 Jake,

0:26 I'm leaving.

0:28 No, Jake can hear this.

0:30 last night.

0:30 Wait, wait, wait.

0:31 Hang on, Charlie.

0:32 You're about to tell us something that happened last night that made you happy.

0:36 Yes,

0:36 Jake.

0:36 I'm leaving.

0:38 Jake, stay.

0:39 I want to share this with my entire family.

0:41 Okay, I'm leaving.

0:43 Ba, I consider you part of my family.

0:45 Am I in your will?

0:46 No, but neither are the rest of them.

0:51 Now, listen.

0:52 Last night, I, Charlie Harper, delayed gratification.

0:56 What'd you do?

0:57 Wait till she fell asleep?

1:02 Wait for what?

1:05 Jake,

1:04 I'm leaving.

1:06 Sit down.

1:07 What happened last night is I

1:09 may have actually started a meaningful relationship.

1:12 Charlie, seriously, go sleep it off.

1:13 You're embarrassing yourself.

1:17 Come on, listen to me.

1:19 I think I might be in love with Mia.

1:22 Big deal.

1:22 You've always been in love with Yua.

1:26 Very funny.

1:27 I thought so.

1:28 Did Did you think so?

1:29 That was pretty good.

1:31 Yeah.

1:31 He's 11.

1:31 He still thinks milk lemonade is funny.

1:34 Oh, yeah.

1:37 Hello.

1:37 Grandmy's here.

1:39 Oh, great.

1:39 Uh, tell mom what you told us, Charlie.

1:43 No.

1:42 Tell me what?

1:45 Nothing.

1:45 Do you need a good lawyer?

1:47 No.

1:47 Discreet doctor?

1:49 No.

1:49 Knockoff Gucci handbag?

1:51 What?

1:51 There's only so many ways I can help you, dear.

1:55 It's no big deal.

1:56 I've just been seeing this ballet dancer and I think she might be the one.

2:03 Drunk.

2:04 He says no.

2:05 I think it might be one of those designer drugs.

2:07 Charlie, what did you take?

2:13 I'm serious.

2:14 We've been seeing each other for over a month and we're

2:16 waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.

2:20 Well, we can rule out ecstasy.

2:21 I mean, that's a powerful aphrodesiac.

2:25 I've heard

2:28 nowadays you're supposed to say Africaname.

2:35 Jake,

2:35 you sure this time?

2:37 Yeah,

2:37 I'm leaving.

2:39 Has it occurred to any of you that maybe I've finally matured?

2:42 Maybe I'm finally ready to build something

2:44 with a woman that isn't solely based on sex.

2:47 Has that occurred to you, Alan?

2:49 Nope.

2:49 Vera?

2:49 Uhuh.

2:50 So, it's not just me.

2:52 I can understand your skepticism.

2:54 I've earned it.

2:55 But this girl is different and I'm going to make it work.

3:01 I give him another week before he's out on the beach humping wet sand.

3:07 Did the chicken soup Bob sent over from Green Blatz ever show up?

3:14 Nope.

3:19 Well, I'm glad you got some rest cuz I have got great news.

3:22 There is no great news.

3:24 There is no light at the end of the tunnel.

3:27 There is no silver lining.

3:29 There is just this hell on earth

3:32 and the slow wait for the sweet release of death.

3:40 Okay, let's call it good news.

3:44 The girl I'm going out with tonight needs a date for her sister.

3:51 Are you insane?

3:54 No, but I hear the sister's a bit of a freak.

3:58 Jake.

3:59 Jake, go to your room.

4:00 If you want to talk about sex, why don't you go to your room now?

4:07 Fine, Charlie.

4:08 First of all, I don't want to talk about dating in front

4:10 of my son while his mother and I are in the middle of a divorce.

4:13 Okay.

4:13 Okay.

4:14 That's very caring and sensitive.

4:16 And let me tell you about revenge sex's little sister casual.

4:21 All right.

4:22 Even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am,

4:26 I wouldn't go on a blind double date with you.

4:29 Why not?

4:29 Summer of my junior year, the Seals and Crofts concert.

4:34 You got the Incredible Cheerleader, and I got her sister, the Incredible Hulk.

4:42 She really took a shine to you.

4:44 Sure did.

4:45 Sarah liked Beauty All.

4:48 You weren't complaining when you were on her shoulder shouting summer breeze.

4:53 Forget it, Charlie.

4:54 Forget it.

4:55 Alan, trust me, I've seen the sister.

4:58 Her name is Desiree.

4:59 I don't care what her name is.

5:01 Desiree Allen.

5:02 That's like Desire with a yay at the end.

5:06 She's an actress on some soap opera.

5:09 Billy, which what?

5:10 I don't know.

5:10 The Bold and the Bulimic or something.

5:13 Done yet?

5:14 Yeah, we're done.

5:15 Now, we're going to get your father back on his feet.

5:20 How?

5:20 Well, would you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs?

5:25 Sure, Charlie.

5:29 This was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie.

5:35 So, Jake, how do you like high school?

5:39 I'm in eighth grade.

5:41 I see.

5:44 When did you start high school?

5:46 Hard to say.

5:46 Eighth grade is really kicking my ass.

5:49 Jake, language.

5:50 Yeah, language, math, science, history, fizzed.

5:55 Yeah, I understand.

5:56 Dear

5:57 can't even find my locker.

6:01 All right, I talked to her.

6:02 You owe me five bucks.

6:09 He's a good wiper and I love him.

6:12 Hey, Alan.

6:13 I just spoke.

6:14 Ah, jeez.

6:17 Good to see you, too, dear.

6:18 What's going on, Mo?

6:20 Nothing.

6:21 I merely stopped in to see my two sons and my one and only grandchild.

6:26 Well, it's

6:28 What's going on?

6:30 She's helping Yurt the Turtle study for his test.

6:35 Why didn't he ask me?

6:37 Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.

6:42 orgies, wine, and bulimia.

6:46 Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

6:49 Then who did invent aromatherapy?

6:51 Not the Romans.

6:53 But you see my logic.

6:56 You know, I never did understand why you didn't give her more of a chance.

7:00 She's pretty, smart, and amazingly patient with dumb guys.

7:07 Are you talking about Jake or me?

7:08 A smart guy wouldn't have to ask that question.

7:12 Excuse me, but let's not forget this is a woman who stalked me, who spied on me,

7:17 who snuck into my house to write her name and address in my underwear.

7:22 Oh, boohoo.

7:23 Somebody cares about Charlie.

7:26 Nobody ever wrote their name in my underwear.

7:30 Wait, once.

7:31 The Department of Corrections.

7:35 Morning.

7:35 Morning.

7:36 Hey.

7:37 Oh, hey guys.

7:38 How's the homework coming?

7:39 The three major buildings in ancient Rome were the coliseum, the forum, and

7:47 circus.

7:47 Circus circus.

7:49 We need a little more time.

7:51 Carry on.

7:52 I know it's not Caesar's palace.

7:56 Why don't you get him a real tutor?

7:58 Are you kidding?

7:59 She has advanced degrees in like three subjects.

8:02 She loves him.

8:03 He worships her.

8:03 And the only thing she asks in return is to sit

8:05 naked in your laundry hamper every once in a while.

8:08 And that's not a red flag for you.

8:10 You could do a lot worse than Rose, Charlie.

8:12 I have done a lot worse.

8:14 But that's not really your recommendation now, is it?

8:17 Why can't I sleep in my bed?

8:18 Aunt Myra is not there.

8:20 I'm sure she will be.

8:21 She's probably just getting something in the kitchen.

8:32 That's not the kitchen.

8:35 Okay, I just checked.

8:36 No one slept in my bed all night.

8:38 It's none of your business.

8:39 Who slept where?

8:40 Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed is not my business, then what is?

8:44 Let it go, Goldilocks.

8:47 Morning.

8:48 Morning.

8:48 And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?

8:51 I wasn't counting.

8:52 I was four.

8:55 Okay, one of those was to get a glass of water.

8:56 Well, THERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.

8:58 STOP TOPPING OFF THE TANK.

9:01 What's going on?

9:02 I had to sleep in dad's room last night cuz Uncle Charlie

9:04 invited Aunt Myra to stay in my room, but it turns out

9:07 Got it.

9:10 Do you think it's fair?

9:11 Nothing about your Uncle Charlie's life is fair, kid.

9:14 Finish your breakfast.

9:15 I've got to get you fitted for a tux.

9:17 Why do I have to wear a tuxedo?

9:18 Because your mother's getting married and you're in the wedding party.

9:21 Why do I have to be in the wedding party?

9:23 Because your mother still thinks you're cute.

9:26 Good morning.

9:27 Good morning.

9:29 Morning.

9:28 Everybody get a good night's sleep?

9:31 No.

9:31 So, Charlie, where's this house guest I'm hearing about?

9:34 Uh, gee, I guess she's probably still asleep in Jake's room.

9:38 Oh, please.

9:39 You are such a liar.

9:42 What?

9:42 Forget it, Charlie.

9:43 We know.

9:44 You do.

9:45 We do.

9:47 Okay.

9:47 Well, I got a good night's sleep.

9:50 Probably cuz Aunt Meyer doesn't PEE A LOT.

9:56 CAN I talk with you in private?

9:57 Oh, come on.

9:58 It's no big deal.

9:59 I was in the middle of flossing and suddenly there she is sitting on my bed.

10:05 He doesn't need to hear this.

10:07 Fine.

10:09 Like I didn't hear enough last night.

10:17 Okay.

10:18 Uh let me just start uh by saying I applaud

10:21 the uh the gusto uh with which you approach life.

10:25 Thank you.

10:26 Um that being said uh are you um out of your freaking mind porn?

10:35 You just could not control yourself.

10:37 A female's in the house.

10:38 She must be mounted.

10:41 No, it's not like that at all.

10:43 And why do you even care?

10:45 Why?

10:45 You ask me why.

10:48 Never mind.

10:48 Not important.

10:51 I will tell you why.

10:52 Because every time you rut with any woman,

10:56 even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering.

10:59 Oh, that's ridiculous.

11:00 Ridiculous, you say?

11:02 All right.

11:02 All right.

11:03 Let's uh let's look at the record.

11:06 You slept with Judith's sister.

11:08 Well, yeah, but my wedding reception.

11:14 All right.

11:14 Poor timing.

11:16 had more sex on my wedding day than I did.

11:20 That part's not my fault.

11:23 Okay.

11:23 Okay.

11:24 Let's jump ahead.

11:26 Uh, when Judith was divorcing me, uh,

11:29 who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?

11:34 Now, hold on.

11:35 That chick was nuts.

11:36 I lost everything.

11:38 Well, to be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with.

11:47 And now that Judith is finally getting remarried and I can

11:53 see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide.

11:58 Hey, why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law?

12:02 That is not how it happened.

12:04 I don't care how it happened.

12:05 I only care how it's going to end.

12:07 And it's going to end badly for me.

12:09 How?

12:11 Explain how.

12:12 I don't know yet.

12:14 That's always part of the fun trying to guess how

12:18 your penis is going to bite me in the ass.

12:23 Alan, you got to believe me here.

12:25 This is different.

12:26 I really like Myra.

12:27 Oh, you like all of them and then you don't.

12:33 Now, what's going to happen when you get tired of this poor girl?

12:37 Morning.

12:38 Morning.

12:39 Boy, I slept great.

12:41 Jake's bed is really comfortable.

12:44 Don't bother.

12:44 He knows.

12:47 Boy, I slept great.

12:49 Charlie's a terrific lover.

12:53 Oh, this one's going to be bad.

12:58 Hey.

12:58 Hey.

12:59 What are you doing home?

13:01 Linda's spending time with her son tonight.

13:04 Apparently, she's one of those single moms that puts her kid first.

13:10 The You're just saying that cuz our mom put us third.

13:16 Fourth after she got the Datson 280Z.

13:20 Sue, what you doing?

13:22 Paying our household bills.

13:25 You're a good wife, Alan.

13:28 I can't believe some lucky fella hasn't snapped you up.

13:33 Probably the penis.

13:36 That's usually a deal breakaker.

13:40 So, how are we doing bill-wise?

13:43 Not very well.

13:44 Are you aware you haven't had a paying job in over 9 months?

13:47 Are you aware that urine cures athletes foot?

13:56 Seriously, you've got a big pile of bills and and no money coming in.

13:59 Seriously, no burning, no itching, just clears it right out.

14:04 The drug companies don't want you to know about it because it's free.

14:09 Charlie, you're unemployed.

14:11 I know.

14:12 Haven't you heard?

14:13 The jingle business is dead.

14:15 How would I hear that?

14:16 Who would have told me?

14:17 It was in all the jingle magazines.

14:21 You know, before they went out of business.

14:25 Everybody's using old rock songs now.

14:27 They're not going to hire a guy like me to write a jingle

14:29 for tampons when they can just play Stuck in the Middle with You.

14:40 This doesn't concern you at all?

14:42 Nah, something will turn up.

14:44 How can you be so sure?

14:45 Hey, do you have any idea how I got in the jingle business?

14:50 No.

14:49 Neither do I.

14:52 But look how good that worked out.

14:54 Charlie, you cannot just depend on the kindness of the universe.

14:57 I have to.

14:58 I don't have an older brother I can sponge off of.

15:03 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go pee on my feet.

15:08 Dad, where's Canon?

15:16 Cancun.

15:16 No, spell Canon.

15:19 It's in Mexico.

15:20 Why?

15:21 We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.

15:24 What are you reading?

15:25 Sports Illustrated, but there's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

15:29 Jake.

15:29 Jake, come back here.

15:31 Are you happy?

15:33 I have my moments, but they're becoming further apart.

15:38 Jake, sit down.

15:38 Sit down.

15:39 Am I in trouble?

15:40 No, no.

15:40 It's It's uh It's perfectly natural for you to be interested in women's bodies.

15:44 Great.

15:44 I'll be in my room.

15:45 Wait, wait.

15:46 No, come back.

15:47 Let's let's let's talk a minute here.

15:49 I I don't mind you looking at these pictures,

15:51 but it's important that you know what they mean.

15:54 Oh, I'd like to know that, too.

15:58 And

16:01 okay, first of all, real women don't look like this.

16:04 These pictures have been retouched and airbrushed

16:06 so that the women look like they're perfect,

16:07 but they're really not.

16:09 Uh, excuse me, but I met that one and she was perfect.

16:14 What I'm trying to explain to Jake is

16:16 that this is not what regular women look like.

16:18 Then why do they use regular women?

16:21 Because the only way regular women can sell magazines is door too.

16:31 My point is is is that these women are are threedimensional human beings.

16:35 They're they're not just sex objects,

16:36 which explains why this one's on all fours in the surf.

16:41 Are you quite done?

16:43 No.

16:43 I think you're being very unfair.

16:45 These women worked very hard, ate very little,

16:48 and spent a lot of money to become sex objects.

16:53 Those breasts alone cost 10 grand.

16:57 You can buy these.

17:00 Thank you, Charlie.

17:03 Some women choose to uh uh to make their breasts

17:07 larger uh with uh with what's called uh uh surgical implants.

17:12 Why?

17:12 Oh, well, they think bigger is better.

17:15 I can see that.

17:18 What What really matters, Jake, is is is is what's inside a person.

17:22 See, that's the lesson here.

17:24 Do Do you get what I'm saying?

17:25 I think so.

17:26 You sure?

17:27 There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

17:29 I mean, do you uh do you have any questions?

17:32 Just one.

17:34 Fire away.

17:35 Can I have a magazine back?

17:42 Congratulations, Alan.

17:44 You've managed to take the fun out of boobs.

17:48 Well, you went great.

17:49 She said I'm adorable.

17:50 She thinks I'm I'm nurturing and caring and sensitive.

17:52 I'm exactly what she's looking for.

17:54 She's looking for a halfb blind sheep dog.

17:57 She invited me to her house for dinner tonight.

18:00 I think she wants to have sex.

18:02 With who?

18:05 With you.

18:06 Hang on a second.

18:11 Nope.

18:12 No snowballs reported in hell.

18:16 No sightings of flying pigs.

18:19 What am I going to do?

18:20 You don't know?

18:21 Come on, Helen.

18:22 You were married for 12 years.

18:23 What does marriage have to do with sex?

18:26 Point taken.

18:27 Okay.

18:28 You want some tips?

18:29 No.

18:29 No.

18:30 Nothing like that.

18:32 I need step-by-step instructions.

18:35 All right.

18:36 All right.

18:36 Since this is your first bout in this weight class,

18:38 I'd say stick with the basics.

18:41 Better to do the simple stuff well than the fancy stuff badly.

18:44 Got it.

18:45 And the simple stuff would be Well, do you know how women like you to go slow?

18:51 Really?

18:51 My ex-wife put a premium on brevity.

18:55 Her motto was less is more and none is perfect.

18:59 Yeah, well, Sherry's not like that.

19:00 You're going to want to take your time.

19:02 I I can do that.

19:03 But don't loiter either.

19:05 You don't want to get bored and start playing solitire on the top of your head.

19:09 No loitering.

19:11 Got it.

19:14 Something else.

19:16 Okay.

19:17 When you're the woman like Sherry who's so

19:19 gosh darn beautiful that you get excited just

19:21 thinking about her, how do you keep

19:26 the sprinklers from going off while you're still mowing?

19:31 Let me make sure I understand.

19:34 You want to keep your toothpaste in the tube until you're done brushing.

19:40 What are you talking about?

19:42 What are you talking about?

19:43 Okay.

19:44 Okay.

19:44 Let me try again.

19:47 I don't want to frost the cake while I'm still mixing the batter.

19:53 I don't get it.

19:53 She must have lost a bed or something.

19:55 Excuse me?

20:00 Nothing.

19:58 All right.

19:59 Here's what you do.

20:05 When you feel like the train is leaving the station.

20:09 You mean going in the tunnel?

20:11 No, no, I mean leaving the station.

20:14 But you have to leave the station to get to the tunnel.

20:18 Okay.

20:18 Okay.

20:20 Let's start from the top

20:21 and work our way down.

20:23 Right.

20:27 You know what?

20:29 Just shut up and listen.

20:31 When you're making love,

20:33 the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely nonsexual.

20:38 What do you think of

20:41 you?

20:43 Did you hear that noise last night?

20:45 What noise?

20:46 Around 2 or 3:00 in the morning, I thought I heard a man crying.

20:51 No, that's nothing.

20:51 That's just Allan.

20:53 It's nothing.

20:54 Yeah.

20:55 He gets up in the middle of the night to pee

20:57 and he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates.

21:03 Then he starts crying.

21:06 Oh my god, that's awful.

21:08 It's like the ocean.

21:09 I don't even hear it anymore.

21:13 Hey, sorry I'm late.

21:15 I stopped off and did the shopping for the week.

21:20 Michelle, this is my housekeeper, Ba.

21:22 Ba.

21:22 Michelle.

21:23 Hi.

21:23 Nice to meet you.

21:25 Planning a party every afternoon at two.

21:30 She's She's kidding, right, Ba?

21:32 Huh?

21:32 Yeah, sure.

21:33 Why not?

21:36 Can I go upstairs and make your bed or are

21:38 you guys just catching your breath and rinse it off?

21:43 No, it's fine.

21:44 We're just going to go for a walk on the beach.

21:46 Good one.

21:49 Why is that funny?

21:50 Last time this one was on the beach, it's cuz he fell off the deck.

21:55 It wasn't his fault he was drunk.

21:59 I'll go make your bed.

22:02 She seems nice.

22:05 You think?

22:05 She scares the crap out of me.

22:08 Corns and wheat.

22:09 It's a Swedish breakfast treat.

22:10 It's maple.

22:11 Maple man.

22:12 Jake, buddy, take a break.

22:15 What uh what took you so long?

22:17 We stopped for ice cream cuz I'm a bay magnet.

22:22 Got to take a squirt.

22:27 Why do you assume he learned that from me?

22:30 Because I learned it from you.

22:35 Hey, thanks for cleaning up.

22:36 No, it wasn't me.

22:37 Rose was here.

22:39 Rose?

22:39 You let Rose into my house?

22:41 She said she was your maid.

22:43 The hell.

22:44 She glued the damn cabinet shut again.

22:48 Again?

22:48 You've got somebody who comes in regularly to glue your cabinets.

22:52 You've met some of the whack jobs I've gone out with.

22:54 It's not that big a stretch.

22:56 Oh.

22:56 Oh, so this is my fault.

22:57 Who let her in?

22:59 Oh, you are a deeply disturbed man.

23:00 You know that.

23:00 Move it.

23:01 Move it.

23:01 Come on.

23:01 Oh, I'm deeply disturbed.

23:03 Who showed up here in the middle of the night with his own sheets?

23:06 Hey, at least I care what I sleep on.

23:07 Or should I say who I sleep on.

23:11 Hey, pal.

23:11 Of the two of us, I'll bet I'm

23:13 the only one who slept with a married woman recently.

23:16 And isn't that something to brag about?

23:23 Hi, Mom.

23:28 Nice necklace.

23:30 Thanks.

23:30 Buy it for yourself?

23:31 No.

23:31 Girl gave it to me.

23:34 Really?

23:34 She must like you.

23:36 Yeah, she's nuts for me.

23:38 Oh, is she cute?

23:40 I guess.

23:42 Well, you don't seem very happy about it.

23:44 I'm not.

23:45 Why?

23:46 What's the problem?

23:47 She's nine.

23:52 Nine?

23:53 Where would you meet a 9-year-old girl?

23:55 We're in the same math class.

23:59 Is uh is she one of those advanced students?

24:02 Sadly, no.

24:05 But she does help me with my homework.

24:11 Hey, Chelsea's not feeling well.

24:12 Could you make her some tea and an English muffin?

24:15 Sure, I could.

24:19 But you won't.

24:21 Is that what you're saying?

24:26 Where are the muffins?

24:27 In the fridge, as always.

24:30 Don't condescend to me.

24:32 He does it to me all the time.

24:33 It's very irritating.

24:35 No one's talking to you.

24:36 See, like that.

24:38 That wasn't condescending.

24:39 But that was right.

24:42 Right.

24:45 Boy, as soon as I get my license, I am so out of here.

24:47 Sure, you can drive your girlfriend to Jim.

24:51 At least I have a girlfriend.

24:57 At least I have a girlfriend.

25:01 So, what's the deal?

25:01 Does Chelsea have a cold?

25:03 Not sure.

25:04 Cold, flu, something disgusting.

25:08 Maybe she has an STD.

25:10 What

25:11 I mean sexually transmitted disease.

25:14 I know what STDs are.

25:16 Your uncle helped invent them.

25:21 You know they can be prevented by using a condom.

25:24 I know we could have prevented you by using a condom.

25:28 Now we got to use a hammer.

25:32 I don't understand.

25:33 Go get me a hammer and I'll show you.

25:39 Okay.

25:42 You must be so proud.

25:45 Ball peen or claw hammer?

25:49 Do me a favor.

25:50 When he comes back, just do it.

25:54 Okay, let me get this straight.

25:55 Angie's son is engaged to that woman who you

25:58 used to be involved with who now wants you back.

26:01 Scorecards.

26:01 Can't tell the players without the scorecards.

26:06 Yeah, what am I going to do?

26:08 I know what I'd do.

26:09 Yeah.

26:09 Three pumps and an apology.

26:15 What?

26:15 You got another move I ain't heard about?

26:19 Okay, forget about what I do.

26:20 That That woman is gorgeous.

26:22 How could you possibly pass that up?

26:24 Easy.

26:24 I care about Angie.

26:26 Forget about Angie.

26:26 You don't need Angie.

26:27 You're just trying to sabotage my relationship so you can have Angie.

26:31 What?

26:31 No.

26:32 No.

26:33 No.

26:36 NO.

26:39 COME ON.

26:40 LOOK AT HER.

26:40 She's young, needy, and vulnerable.

26:46 Go, No.

26:47 No.

26:48 It's not worth it.

26:48 I'm not going to screw things up with Angie.

26:50 Who's going to tell her?

26:51 I'm not going to tell her.

26:53 That's not the point.

26:54 Okay, think about this.

26:54 In a few years, Trisha will be what?

26:57 29?

26:58 Angie's going to be 60.

27:04 You're looking at grandkids, liver spots, and a dusty bowl of hard candy.

27:09 I don't like any of those.

27:10 Of course you don't.

27:11 Nobody does.

27:12 Go ahead, do it.

27:16 Defil her.

27:27 Here you are.

27:31 Thanks.

27:31 Listen, Trisha, you know how I'd feel about you.

27:36 We had some great times together.

27:38 Huh?

27:39 Remember Vegas?

27:41 Oh, yeah.

27:43 We didn't leave the room for 3 days.

27:46 Oh, yeah.

27:48 Of course, I couldn't leave cuz I made you tie me to the bed.

27:54 Oh, yeah.

27:55 Do you hear from the other two girls?

27:59 Oh, yeah.

28:03 Look, this isn't a good idea.

28:06 You need to go.

28:09 But can't we just talk a little more?

28:14 If we could just talk, you wouldn't need to go.

28:20 Charlie, trust me.

28:21 Jeremy is a great guy and he obviously loves you.

28:24 I say give him a chance.

28:26 What if you and I had just just one last fling?

28:31 One last fling.

28:33 Yeah.

28:33 We'll go back to Vegas.

28:34 Oh, this time I'll tie you up.

28:38 You really need to go.

28:43 Bye-bye.

28:42 Wait.

28:42 Wait.

28:42 Byebye.

28:47 It's not too late.

28:52 You can still have her.

28:55 I'm not listening.

28:56 You could do it in her car.

28:57 How hot is that?

28:58 I can't hear you.

28:59 It's dirty in a car.

29:05 Alan, buddy, I'm getting a little concerned about your drinking.

29:08 I don't have a problem.

29:10 Well, I do.

29:11 You're swilling my good stuff.

29:15 Here, have some old Walmart.

29:21 Thank you.

29:23 What's this?

29:25 A diary I kept during Judah's pregnancy.

29:28 Jennifer, Jocelyn, Jasmine, Jolene.

29:30 Some of the names that we picked out in case Jake had been a girl.

29:34 Oh, man.

29:35 Can you imagine him as a chick?

29:38 Woof.

29:41 Yeah, well, that's not how it turned out.

29:44 Think about it, though.

29:45 Every weekend, me, you, and a big ugly girl with a bad haircut.

29:50 I'm going to have a daughter, Charlie.

29:52 Okay.

29:52 Okay.

29:53 First of all, you don't know it's your kid.

29:56 All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith.

30:00 Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith.

30:02 So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all our appearances,

30:06 Judith is a I am aware that technically either one of us could be the father.

30:12 But I know in my gut that this is my sweet bastard child.

30:15 You don't know squat.

30:17 You want to talk technically?

30:20 Technically, maybe neither one of you is the father.

30:24 Oh, dear God, Charlie, what have you done?

30:27 Not me, you fool.

30:29 Although, if I'd known she was that easy, maybe.

30:32 Stop.

30:32 All I'm saying is there could very well be some guy

30:34 in her driveway with a leaf blower pining away for baby Juanita.

30:39 That's just ridiculous.

30:40 Judith won't even eat Mexican food.

30:51 Oh, hey Judith.

30:54 What's up?

30:55 Actually, quite a bit.

30:57 Is something wrong?

30:58 No.

30:59 Uh, it's just um I think it's time you knew the truth.

31:04 What truth?

31:05 Marlene Melnik is your daughter.

31:10 I knew it.

31:12 For 14 years, I've known it.

31:14 Well, I told her everything and she wants to live with her real dad.

31:19 That's great.

31:21 It's okay, honey.

31:22 Come on in.

31:24 Hi, Daddy.

31:34 You got anything to eat?

31:43 Woof.

31:46 Hey Ba, you want to hear something cool?

31:48 The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium

31:51 where people could eat as much as they wanted, puke, and then eat some more.

31:56 No, just like the ses.

32:00 Hey, morning buddy.

32:01 You suck.

32:03 Whoa.

32:04 Has the little prince not taking his morning poop yet?

32:07 It's your fault that Rose is moving away.

32:10 Did she tell you that, Jake?

32:12 She's not going anywhere.

32:13 This is just one of her games to mess with my head.

32:15 Burna, tell him.

32:18 Jake, honey, your uncle Charlie sucks.

32:23 Come on, Ba.

32:24 If you weren't such a self-centered pud,

32:26 you'd realize what an angel she is, and you'd never let her go.

32:29 Okay, first of all, she's not an angel.

32:31 Second of all, she's not leaving.

32:33 And third, and perhaps most important, pud.

32:36 I cleaned it up for the kid.

32:39 Love is loveier.

32:41 the ninth or 10th time around.

32:44 Morning everybody.

32:47 What's going on?

32:48 Rose is moving to London.

32:50 She is?

32:50 Why?

32:51 Cuz Uncle Charlie's a pud.

32:54 A pud?

32:55 I cleaned it up for myself.

32:58 Hey, can we go to Sizzler?

33:01 Here we are.

33:02 Be it ever so humble.

33:04 Wow.

33:05 This is some house.

33:06 If you ever decide to sell, I want the listing.

33:09 Well, you'd have to kill my mom for it, so sure.

33:16 Can I make you a drink,

33:18 Charlie?

33:18 We both know I'm going to sleep with you.

33:20 You don't have to licker me up.

33:23 I haven't been doing this a long time.

33:25 Trust me, you'll want a drink.

33:29 Oh, hey.

33:30 I didn't know you guys were home.

33:31 Lydia, this is my brother, Alan.

33:33 Alan, hi.

33:36 Hi.

33:36 So sorry to hear about your troubles.

33:38 Troubles?

33:38 What troubles?

33:39 Oh, maybe I have it wrong.

33:41 Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?

33:49 I don't know what she's talking about.

33:53 Well, I am going through a bit of a a rough patch,

33:55 but I try not to think about it too much.

33:57 Oh, good for you.

33:58 I'd be suicidal.

34:02 You hear that?

34:02 You have options.

34:06 Anyway, this is my nephew, Jake.

34:08 Hello, Jay.

34:09 Hi.

34:09 So, what grade are you in?

34:12 Seventh.

34:12 Well, don't you worry when the other kids make fun of you.

34:14 You'll show them someday.

34:18 Nobody makes fun of me.

34:19 You're kidding.

34:22 Why would anyone make fun of me?

34:25 And uh uh this is my housekeeper, Ba.

34:27 Ba.

34:27 Lydia.

34:28 Choose your words carefully.

34:30 Slim.

34:33 Slim.

34:33 My thank you.

34:34 I watch what I eat.

34:37 going in or coming out?

34:46 Hey, uh why don't we forget the drinks

34:48 and go out on the deck and enjoy the sunset?

34:50 All right.

34:51 Well, it was so nice to meet all of you.

34:54 Uh-huh.

34:55 Yeah,

34:58 sure.

34:57 You didn't have to be so rude.

35:04 You said they were laughing with me.

35:07 Hey, I got my own problems

35:11 here in my car.

35:12 I feel safest of all.

35:16 It's the only way in cars.

35:25 What you doing?

35:27 Building an original 1978 Firebird.

35:30 Got on eBay.

35:32 Okay.

35:33 Why?

35:34 I had this model when I was little.

35:35 remember spent a month building it and painting

35:38 it and putting on all the decals.

35:40 Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?

35:44 No, that was my monster mobile

35:46 and my ventriloquist dummy and my rockom sakum robots.

35:52 My firebird you blow torched with a cigarette lighter in mom's aquinet.

35:56 Oh yeah, the firebird.

36:00 Anyway, I loved that model and now I'm going to have it again.

36:04 I am going to have it again.

36:05 Right.

36:06 Relax.

36:07 If I destroy any of your cars,

36:08 it'll be that oil dripping piece of crap out there in my garage.

36:14 You're going to have a car.

36:15 I can only receive.

36:17 I can listen to you.

36:18 It keeps me stable for days in your car.

36:25 I'm worried about my brother.

36:30 Why?

36:30 Well, he's either so lonely he's tried to recapture his childhood,

36:35 which was not that good in the first place,

36:38 or he's created an elaborate ruse to hide

36:40 the fact that he's become a degenerate glue sniffer.

36:44 Be honest, I'm rooting for the glue.

36:47 You know, I've been meaning to talk to you about him.

36:49 You want him gone?

36:49 He's gone.

36:50 That's how much I love you.

36:52 No, no.

36:52 He's a wonderful guy.

36:54 I actually have a friend that I think might be a good match for him.

36:57 Oh, no.

36:58 You're wrong.

37:00 Oh, come on, Charlie.

37:05 Listen, started to think.

37:12 You don't want to do that to a friend, do you?

37:15 Alan's a doll.

37:16 He just needs to find the right woman.

37:18 If you check his closet, you'll find the right woman is a doll.

37:22 So, how was your weekend?

37:27 Fine.

37:26 Okay.

37:27 Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?

37:30 What?

37:32 Oh, I don't know.

37:34 Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick.

37:44 What are the odds, huh?

37:45 One brother turns them gay, the other turns him guy.

37:49 If

37:49 you don't mind, Vera, I'd rather not talk about it.

37:54 Okay, I'll fix you something to eat.

37:57 How about a sausage link and a couple eggs?

38:01 Anybody home?

38:02 Oh no,

38:07 Charlie.

38:06 I need to talk to you about your friend, Bill.

38:10 Oh boy.

38:10 Oh boy.

38:13 You know, I I'd really rather not discuss this in front of the help.

38:20 Could you give us some privacy?

38:21 Hell no.

38:25 Sorry.

38:26 Okay.

38:27 Um, Bill and I shared something very special this weekend.

38:39 I realize that might be awkward for you, so I thought I'd come by to discuss it.

38:45 Well, that's nice, Mom.

38:47 Isn't that nice, Ellen?

38:49 Um, you're the expert, Charlie.

38:50 Is it too early to start drinking?

38:54 What's that supposed to mean?

38:56 Mom, um, how much do you know about Bill

39:02 Charlie?

39:02 I have no doubt that you two shared some sorted adventures together,

39:06 but that's the past.

39:10 The only thing that matters to me now is that Bill is a handsome,

39:14 sensitive, wonderful man.

39:17 So, you really told her you loved her?

39:20 Yeah.

39:21 Were you loaded?

39:24 No.

39:24 Were you trying to get her to do something kinky?

39:29 No.

39:29 Did she catch you doing something kinky to somebody else?

39:36 No.

39:35 By yourself?

39:39 No.

39:38 Then I don't get it.

39:40 What was your angle?

39:41 My angle was I love her.

39:45 Huh?

39:46 Why does everybody go huh?

39:47 What's with the huh?

39:49 We always knew this day had come.

39:51 What day?

39:52 The day you stopped manipulating and conning women.

39:55 The day you dropped your guard and let an honest emotion into your heart.

40:00 Well, that's a good day, right?

40:01 If you don't mind being some broad's prison,

40:10 What are you going to do now?

40:13 I don't know.

40:14 I can't keep seeing her cuz the relationship's completely out of balance.

40:18 And I can't stop seeing her because I love her.

40:20 I feel for you.

40:22 I once loved a guy didn't love me back.

40:24 What did you do?

40:26 90 days in county.

40:29 Plus anger management classes,

40:31 which by the way are a total freaking waste of time.

40:44 Hey.

40:44 Hey.

40:49 Have you ever been in love?

40:57 Quite a mouth on this fella.

41:00 Guess that's why they're not called Bucket of Bunnies, huh?

41:04 Who's he listening to?

41:06 Bucket of hate.

41:06 They're good.

41:07 Reminds me of early Who?

41:09 Who?

41:09 Yeah.

41:10 What

41:10 band's called?

41:10 Who?

41:11 Bucket of hate.

41:16 And I work for your family.

41:21 Boy, I never knew there were so many rhymes for suicide.

41:25 Yeah.

41:25 What's Patrickide?

41:27 It means to honor thy father.

41:31 Oh, well then that song doesn't make sense.

41:34 Yeah, well, I'm still trying to figure out what a suzu studio is.

41:39 So, uh, B is playing at the Santa Monica Civic Center next weekend.

41:44 Cool.

41:44 My friend Seth Reman got tickets.

41:46 Can I go?

41:47 How you going to get there?

41:50 Car.

41:52 Thank you.

41:55 Whose car?

41:55 Seth's brother.

41:56 He's 17 and he's never been in an accident.

41:58 That was his fault.

42:03 I don't think so.

42:04 Why not?

42:05 Why don't I think it's appropriate for a 13-year-old

42:07 to go to a rock concert with no adult supervision?

42:09 I told you Rocco's 17.

42:12 His name is Rocco.

42:14 Yeah.

42:16 So, Rocco Freriedman.

42:18 Yeah.

42:19 You know him?

42:20 No, but I'm not letting someone named Rocco

42:22 Freriedman drive you to a bucket of hate concert.

42:26 That's it.

42:26 Just no.

42:27 Oh, I'm sorry.

42:28 No way in hell.

42:33 What's going on?

42:34 My dad sucks.

42:37 You know, in certain primitive cultures, when a boy hits puberty,

42:41 they tie him to a big rock and throw him in the ocean.

42:44 No, they don't.

42:46 Okay, but you can't argue with the logic.

42:49 No, I can't.

42:50 Really?

42:50 I dreamt about you, too.

42:52 What was your dream?

42:54 We were on a train in a tunnel.

42:58 Sounds kind of boring.

43:01 It means what?

43:04 Oh, hey.

43:05 You're up early.

43:07 No way.

43:09 Uh,

43:09 I I am not just getting home.

43:10 I I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk.

43:13 Dad, a little privacy, please.

43:16 Okay, I just didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

43:19 I'm confused.

43:20 If I'm in the train, how can I be the train?

43:29 At least he's not the tunnel.

43:34 Hey, I'm just getting in.

43:40 Yeah, I can see that.

43:41 Didn't get much sleep last night.

43:44 Uh-huh.

43:45 And yet, I feel totally rested.

43:49 Good for you.

43:50 I mean, rested, but spent.

43:56 Gotcha.

43:57 I mean, not so much spent as happily depleted.

44:03 Joyously Baress.

44:04 I get it.

44:04 You got laid

44:10 and Michael Bublé's autograph.

44:15 Congratulations.

44:18 So, how was your evening?

44:32 Oh, you know I uh I talked to Donna about you.

44:36 Donna,

44:36 the woman I was with last night.

44:37 Oh, yeah.

44:38 Yeah.

44:38 You talk, you share, you laugh, kiss my ass.

44:43 Anyway, turns out she has a friend who is newly single.

44:45 And I suggested a blind date.

44:48 Forget it.

44:49 Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.

44:52 He doesn't?

44:53 No, he doesn't.

44:54 Huh?

44:58 Can't we ask him?

45:02 Don't bother.

45:02 I know what he'll say.

45:05 Okay.

45:06 But does he have to say it in the third person?

45:09 Look, I don't need anybody to get me dates.

45:10 I can get my own dates.

45:12 Yes, but you were complaining that the women you go out with don't fulfill you.

45:15 Donna's friend is is beautiful.

45:17 She's accomplished.

45:18 She's smart.

45:18 How old is she?

45:20 I think around 40.

45:22 Hello.

45:23 Flippity flappity flappity.

45:27 Still with the ears.

45:30 It's not just ears.

45:31 Women that age have a lot of baggage, right?

45:34 And you've just got to carry on.

45:42 Think about this.

45:43 What if I meet this woman?

45:44 I like her.

45:45 She likes me.

45:46 We get married and settle down.

45:49 Mhm.

45:48 We're both 40 now.

45:49 In 20 years, I'm going to be 60.

45:52 Do you know how old she's going to be?

45:56 60.

45:57 Arrest my case.

46:00 Oh, hey.

46:01 Listen, Charlie.

46:02 I was thinking after Fernando's done with the deck,

46:04 he could patch that hole in the roof where the squirrels get in.

46:07 I don't think so.

46:08 Why not?

46:09 I like squirrels.

46:13 Hey, me too.

46:16 But they they they get into the crawl space where they breed and die.

46:19 That's what I like about them, Alan.

46:23 I like their little hands.

46:26 Come on, Charlie.

46:26 All Fernando would have to do Forget Fernando.

46:30 I'm having second thoughts about him even finishing the deck.

46:33 What?

46:33 You want to fire him?

46:34 I don't want to.

46:36 I just don't think his work is very professional.

46:39 I mean, he's wasting a lot of wood.

46:41 And you know, wood just doesn't grow on tree.

46:43 He's got to go.

46:45 Charlie, you're not fooling anybody.

46:46 You're jealous.

46:49 Jealous?

46:49 You know what's cooler than squirrels?

46:50 An eaters.

46:51 They're just crazy looking.

46:55 I'm not jealous.

46:57 And their name tells you what to feed them.

47:01 Why would you say I'm jealous?

47:03 I'm an omnivore.

47:04 That means I eat anything.

47:06 Yeah, you've noticed.

47:06 Now shut up.

47:09 I'm not jealous.

47:10 Charlie, you want to fire this guy just

47:12 because he's younger and better looking than you.

47:14 And he can sing.

47:15 This has nothing to do with that.

47:17 And I can sing, too.

47:18 Yeah, but you stink.

47:23 hand up for the day.

47:24 I'll see you in the morning.

47:25 Hold on, Fernando.

47:27 I want to talk to you.

47:30 Yes.

47:32 Never mind.

47:33 Good night.

47:34 Is there a problem?

47:36 Because I want everything to be perfect for you.

47:38 You're a good man and I respect you.

47:41 You remind me of my sainted father.

47:45 Thank you.

47:46 He was wise and strong until Cifies made him crazy again.

47:53 Thanks.

47:55 Good night.

47:56 But notice

48:01 I thought you were going to get rid of him.

48:03 Or did you go crazy there for a second?

48:07 I don't know.

48:08 I just I just couldn't.

48:10 Yeah, I think it's his eyes.

48:12 It's like they're looking right into my soul.

48:15 That's what mom said.

48:18 Women used to say that about my eyes.

48:22 Really?

48:22 I got to stop falling off the deck sober.

48:28 What does he ask

48:33 French house?

48:38 Morning.

48:39 How are you feeling?

48:41 Like I fell 8 ft onto splintered wood, wet sand, and a dead crab.

48:45 One would think your highly inflated ego might have broken your fall.

48:50 So, where'd you find Poncho Bob Beia out there?

48:55 You know those flyers that get left in your mailbox all the time?

48:59 Yeah.

48:58 Well, I take them and file them according to category.

49:03 Takeout menus, rug sales, carpet cleaning, plumbing, tiling.

49:07 Fernando was under handyman services.

49:11 You're going to live here forever, aren't you?

49:15 He's licensed.

49:16 He's bonded.

49:17 He's punctual.

49:17 And he's reasonably priced.

49:19 Are you paying him?

49:20 No, but I'm saving you 20% with this valuable coupon.

49:26 Morning.

49:30 Morning.

49:28 Oh, what in the heck is Oh, yum.

49:34 Who is that?

49:36 He's a handyman.

49:37 Ooh, nice.

49:38 Can we keep him?

49:39 Can we?

49:40 Can we?

49:40 He's just here to fix the deck.

49:43 Great.

49:43 There's a lot of work that can be done in here, too.

49:46 Like, what?

49:47 Well, for starters, that cabinet door is coming off its hinges.

49:53 Really?

49:58 No, it's not.

50:07 Yeah, it is.

50:12 He looks parched.

50:14 I'll take him some rum.

50:22 See, my problem is is that I'm a giver.

50:24 I love too much.

50:26 And it's always the wrong man.

50:29 You have romance in your heart.

50:30 Oh, I have romance all over me.

50:33 I weak of it.

50:35 Another mojito.

50:37 Oh no.

50:38 One is my limit when I work with power tools.

50:41 That's smart.

50:42 We wouldn't want you to lose one of those beautiful thumbs.

50:48 Ba, I just thought maybe it's almost lunchtime.

50:51 Oh, yeah.

50:52 Cassadilla, bright eyes.

50:54 Thank you.

50:55 Coming up,

50:57 Ashley.

50:58 I' I'd rather have a sandwich.

50:59 I'm making quesadillas.

51:00 Quesadilla's fine.

51:07 Oh, no.

51:09 Charlie's blackout chili.

51:14 It's delicious.

51:15 No argument there.

51:17 Why is it called blackout chili?

51:19 Well, sweetheart, sometimes when people drink,

51:22 they do things they wouldn't normally do.

51:24 Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.

51:31 Your uncle Charlie on the other hand makes jelly.

51:35 But what's the blackout part?

51:37 Oh jeez, Jake.

51:38 How many times have I told you not to crap up my kitchen?

51:41 But I'm not the one who

51:46 Oh, still.

51:46 It beats waking up to find pool chalk between your fanny cheeks.

51:53 So, where's your father?

51:55 He went to the DMV.

51:56 He said you promised to help me with my book report.

51:59 Really?

51:59 It didn't sound like me.

52:01 I didn't think so either, but that's what he said.

52:04 When's it due?

52:06 Monday.

52:06 Okay, today's Saturday.

52:09 You got plenty of time.

52:10 Yeah, but my dad always says if I do my work early,

52:13 then I have the rest of the weekend to have fun.

52:15 That makes no sense whatsoever.

52:18 That's what I said.

52:21 Let me ask you something.

52:22 Do you want to do it now?

52:25 No.

52:24 Then trust your instincts.

52:27 Here's what you do.

52:28 You go out, have a good time, let the report percolate in your subconscious.

52:33 Then as the deadline approaches and that flop, sweat, panic hits,

52:37 those pages will come shooting out of you like lunch from a supermodel.

52:43 Well, I do like to percolate.

52:45 Adam, boy, what are you doing today?

52:49 Well, I've got to write a new jingle for a big credit card company,

52:52 and they're expecting it on Monday, so I'm going to the track.

53:00 So, how much do I get if my horse wins?

53:03 You bet 14 at 2 to1, you win $28.

53:06 That doesn't sound like a lot.

53:07 Why can't I bet the 80 to1 horse?

53:10 You can, but there's dogs with forks and napkins

53:12 waiting at the finish line for that horse.

53:15 What's that mean?

53:16 It means the greater the odds, the lousier the horse.

53:19 But he could still win, right?

53:21 Yeah.

53:21 And you could still be class validictorian.

53:25 But that's not where the smart money goes.

53:27 You can make your point without being mean.

53:31 If you want me to bet the 81 horse for you, I will.

53:33 Okay, fine.

53:35 It'll be a good lesson for you.

53:36 You won't be such a know-it-all when I win 4* 8 32 1* 0.

53:42 $120,000.

53:44 All right, two lessons.

53:49 It's not as much as I thought, but I'm still rich.

53:53 You're not rich, you lucky little pecker head.

53:58 Hey, there's no reason for name calling.

54:02 Just your smart money.

54:05 You want to walk home?

54:07 I don't have to walk home.

54:08 I could take a taxi or a limo or a hearse.

54:14 Man,

54:18 unfreakingbelievable.

54:19 It's like watching a pot smoking monkey.

54:23 $10, please.

54:25 Serves me right.

54:26 Betting against a kid who can eat a happy meal, toys, and all.

54:31 Thank you.

54:33 What are you doing?

54:34 You taught me to always do my own count.

54:36 Yeah, but you can trust me.

54:39 7 8 9.

54:45 It was an honest mistake, I'm sure.

54:51 So, what are you going to do with your weddings?

54:53 It's a secret.

54:55 So, it's a girl.

54:56 How'd you know?

54:57 I didn't.

54:58 Then it isn't.

55:01 Come on, tell me about her.

55:02 Maybe I can help.

55:03 I don't think so.

55:05 Are you kidding me?

55:05 Who knows more about girls than your uncle Charlie?

55:08 Warren Batty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell.

55:14 Why should I talk to you?

55:15 You've messed up every relationship you've ever been in.

55:18 Well, yeah, but so you're not exactly a good example.

55:21 I get it.

55:22 I mean, if I were old enough to have one night stands.

55:24 All right.

55:24 All right.

55:25 You've made your point.

55:26 So, don't talk to me.

55:27 I won't.

55:28 Okay.

55:30 Okay.

55:30 Good.

55:35 Will you drive me to the mall?

55:38 Why?

55:38 It's private.

55:40 So is my car.

55:43 All right.

55:44 I want to buy a present.

55:46 Four.

55:46 It's a secret.

55:48 I'll throw in another 10.

55:49 Wendy Cho.

55:51 Aha.

55:52 A present for Wendy Cho.

55:54 Now, is this an offering to grease the wheels

55:57 or a parting gift for the wheels having already been greased?

56:00 Grease the wheels.

56:02 See, that's why I don't talk to you about this stuff.

56:07 Well, he may be as dull as a butter knife,

56:09 but you got to admit, he's a good judge of character.

56:22 There you go, Mom.

56:23 Nice bite-sized pieces.

56:25 Thank you, darling.

56:27 Dad says you got your butt in your lips.

56:35 Just eat your dinner.

56:37 Hang on.

56:38 So, if you burp now, it'd really be a fart, right?

56:46 Eat.

56:51 Charlie, my donut's too soft.

56:56 So, Jake, has your mother succeeded in turning you against me yet?

57:01 Mom,

57:01 what?

57:02 You don't think she talks?

57:03 You don't think he listens?

57:05 Trust me, Alan.

57:06 Even the mind of a dull child could be poisoned by a malicious parent.

57:10 Can we just please change the subject?

57:12 Although I must say I prefer your mother

57:14 to that postcant knucklehead your father replaced her with.

57:19 Okay.

57:19 Okay, that's it.

57:20 Oh, don't change the subject.

57:22 Come on, Jake.

57:22 We're going to the movies

57:23 on a school night.

57:24 Why not?

57:24 You're flunking anyway.

57:27 Wait, wait, wait.

57:27 You're just leaving me?

57:28 You're taking care of mom, remember?

57:31 That's not fair.

57:32 You got a complaint?

57:32 Take it to the floating head.

57:41 So, how's work?

57:44 Fine.

57:44 You seeing anybody special?

57:48 Nope.

57:48 Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained?

57:53 Because you won't let me in.

57:54 You won't share.

57:56 You know why I won't share with you, Mom?

57:58 Because anything I say will be used against me.

58:01 Oh, please.

58:02 I have to go to the bathroom.

58:03 Maybe I have a prostate problem.

58:04 I buy a new Mercedes.

58:06 You call it a Nazi phallic symbol.

58:09 I'm seeing someone new.

58:10 You ask if I'm paying her by the hour or perchup.

58:14 Charlie, when I say those things, it's because I want to help you.

58:17 You're my son.

58:18 I want you to be the best you can be.

58:21 I appreciate that, but you can stop worrying.

58:24 I'm doing fine.

58:25 I am the best I can be.

58:28 Oh, darling, that just breaks my heart.

58:39 Morning.

58:42 Morning.

58:59 What are you making?

59:02 Breakfast.

59:02 Have you considered orange juice and a piece of toast?

59:06 It's in there.

59:09 We got any marshmallows?

59:12 He wonders why he gets diarrhea.

59:18 Oh man, did you forget to put the lid on again?

59:27 Maybe.

59:29 Well, clean it up.

59:32 Okay.

59:35 Has Jacob yet?

59:36 He's in the kitchen.

59:38 Has he been looking for me?

59:39 Are you a marshmallow?

59:43 What?

59:44 He hasn't been looking for you.

59:45 Oh, good.

59:47 Sorry I'm late, but Candy and I had morning sex.

59:49 Good for you.

59:52 Twice.

59:54 Congratulations.

59:54 She didn't even wake me up for the first one.

59:58 I almost missed it.

59:59 Well, I've always said a 22-y old girl is like a good carpenter.

1:00:03 No wood gets wasted.

1:00:09 Well, I wouldn't put it so crudely, but yeah.

1:00:21 Morning, buddy.

1:00:23 Morning.

1:00:28 Why do you let him use the blender?

1:00:30 I'm hoping he'll eventually stumble into a margarita.