‘The Big Bang Theory’ But Penny Is the Main Character

0:00 And Amy's your best friend, I'm sure she'll come to her senses and pick you.

0:03 Okay, she's not my best friend, we're not 12.

0:05 She wants Bernadette to be her maid of honor, I really don't care.

0:08 Sounds like you care.

0:09 No, I mean it it's just annoying.

0:11 You know, we talk every day, we see each other all the time,

0:14 she's always there for me, and basically, oh my god, Amy's my best friend.

0:20 You okay?

0:22 No, my best friend didn't ask me to be her maid of honor, I'm pissed.

0:29 So, bottom line, what you did was wrong and cruel,

0:33 which the mother of my children finds oddly appealing.

0:38 So, she still wants to be my maid of honor?

0:41 Maid of honor, hit woman, whatever you need.

0:42 Make the call.

0:46 [laughter]

0:46 Look, I know this is your wedding and you can do whatever you want,

0:48 but if you think anyone but me is going to be your maid of honor,

0:51 then you're an idiot, because you are my best friend.

0:54 Too late, BERNADETTE.

0:57 BESTIE!

0:59 [cheering] COVER OURSELVES IN BODY PAINT,

1:00 and then then we get on this big canvas and do our thing.

1:04 Oh, it's kind of a big step for a guy

1:06 who only recently agreed to take his socks off.

1:10 You're making fun of me, forget it.

1:12 No, no, come on, I want to do it.

1:14 Yeah, let's you, me, and your very, very pale feet make some art.

1:20 [laughter]

1:20 Hey, when you go back to the store, I want to go with you.

1:22 Okay, but it's a drive.

1:23 The one I went to is in San Diego.

1:28 So, what do you think?

1:31 I thought it'd be a little more just more.

1:38 [cheering] [laughter] I'm not even sure why we were out of breath.

1:44 I I mean, did did we move at all?

1:47 Maybe along the Z axis, but X and Y are looking pretty sad.

1:53 All right, come on, we are not old, boring people.

1:56 We can do better than this.

1:57 Yeah, that that's true.

1:58 How late did we stay up last night?

2:00 Almost 1:00 a.m.

2:03 Damn straight almost 1:00 a.m.

2:07 [laughter]

2:07 And we weren't even watching TV.

2:09 We were watching Netflix like the kids do.

2:12 Yeah, is it a comedy?

2:14 IS IT A DRAMA?

2:14 NOBODY KNOWS.

2:18 [laughter] NOW, COME ON.

2:18 WE ARE GOING TO DO THIS.

2:19 YEAH, you get the paint.

2:20 I'll rest for 30 to 40 minutes and then we do this.

2:23 Who do we love?

2:23 Penny.

2:24 Who do we love?

2:25 Penny.

2:26 Who do we love?

2:27 Penny.

2:29 Hello, Sheldon.

2:30 Morning.

2:31 Thank you.

2:32 What's up?

2:33 I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.

2:40 Sorry, what?

2:42 A date.

2:43 You and me.

2:44 Dining, dancing, perhaps you'd like to take in a prize fight?

2:51 [laughter] God, are you trying to make Amy jealous?

2:53 No.

2:54 Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart and whether

2:57 or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight?

3:03 Okay, listen to me.

3:04 Playing games is not going to help get Amy back.

3:07 I am not trying to get her back.

3:09 But out of curiosity, what is a way?

3:13 [snorts] All right, honey, let me tell you a story.

3:15 There was a guy I liked and I never told him how I felt.

3:18 Eventually, he started going out with someone else and I always regretted it.

3:22 Do you see where I'm going with this?

3:25 I believe I do.

3:27 I'm the guy.

3:33 You're not the guy.

3:35 Are you sure?

3:36 That would explain so much.

3:38 Your constant presence in my apartment,

3:40 that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me,

3:43 that why you call me sweetie all the time.

3:46 I call everyone sweetie.

3:48 You [laughter]

3:52 Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.

3:56 Strap on a pair?

3:57 Wait, with what?

3:58 Skates?

4:02 Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.

4:05 And let me guess, quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard.

4:09 Thank you.

4:09 Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly allergic,

4:12 kosher only on the high holidays Howard.

4:15 And for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon Raj, meat lovers pizza, no meat.

4:21 Coming right up.

4:23 Well, excuse me.

4:24 You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger,

4:26 barbecue sauce, bacon, and cheese on the side.

4:29 Oh, I didn't tell you?

4:31 You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.

4:34 Why?

4:35 Well, you have three strikes.

4:38 One, coming in.

4:39 Two, sitting down.

4:40 And three, I don't like your attitude.

4:44 [laughter]

4:43 You can't do that.

4:44 Not only is it a violation of California state law,

4:46 it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.

4:50 Yeah, I know.

4:50 There's a new policy.

4:51 No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.

4:55 I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.

4:58 Should have done this last night, you know?

5:00 Have a little wine, take the edge off.

5:03 Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells

5:07 and stimulates reuptake receptors

5:08 of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.

5:14 [laughter] Don't talk, just drink.

5:19 [laughter] [laughter]

5:27 What are we drinking now?

5:29 Peppermint schnapps.

5:33 Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?

5:35 Because I like peppermint and it's fun to say schnapps.

5:42 [laughter]

5:44 Hey, Leonard.

5:45 What?

5:45 Schnap.

5:49 [laughter] Schnaps.

5:50 You're right.

5:51 His phone.

5:53 Oh, hey Sheldon.

5:54 Hello.

6:01 [laughter]

6:03 You okay?

6:04 I'm on vacation.

6:06 What do you think?

6:09 [laughter] Why are you sitting in the stairwell?

6:11 Leonard told me to stay.

6:15 Oh.

6:16 Well, good boy.

6:19 Where are you going?

6:20 I have a ton of errands to run.

6:21 I need to make copies of my headshots, send them off to agents,

6:24 and uh sign up for a new acting class.

6:25 Mhm.

6:27 Have fun.

6:29 Okay.

6:29 [sighs] You want to come with me?

6:37 Really?

6:39 Come on.

6:39 Come on.

6:39 Let's go.

6:41 Get in THE COME ON.

6:43 SUCH A FUN NIGHT.

6:45 Probably cuz you got to see your man up there rocking the mic.

6:50 Yeah, you know, I was a little surprised when you decided to beatbox.

6:53 Oh.

6:54 That was really an asthma attack.

6:56 I just sold it.

6:59 Uh I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.

7:02 Me, too.

7:04 So, you ever think about it?

7:06 Babies?

7:07 I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure.

7:10 What about you?

7:13 I think we'd make amazing parents.

7:15 Will you guys keep it down?

7:21 [laughter]

7:22 On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.

7:30 Oh.

7:33 [laughter] Hello.

7:36 Time to do your laundry, huh?

7:38 Saturday night.

7:40 Saturday is laundry night.

7:42 I know.

7:44 Every Saturday at 8:15.

7:46 Easy to anticipate.

7:52 [laughter]

7:51 What are you implying?

7:53 I'm implying that you're a creature of habit.

7:56 And if something were to prevent you

7:57 from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8:15, you might find it unpleasant.

8:06 [laughter] Knuckle under my ass.

8:16 [laughter] Oh, no.

8:21 Are all the machines taken?

8:26 What are you going to do?

8:29 [laughter]

8:29 No problem.

8:31 I'll just do my laundry another night.

8:35 Another night?

8:36 Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart,

8:39 you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.

8:45 [laughter] Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your Ken.

8:53 [laughter] Yeah, well, your Ken can kiss my Barbie.

8:55 They're doing everything for you because you're leading them on.

8:58 So, I let them do stuff for me.

9:00 They're happy, I get stuff, who cares?

9:03 And how's it any different from what you do?

9:08 Excuse me?

9:10 I've seen you around them.

9:12 Are you pretending like you don't do the exact same thing?

9:15 Okay, lady, you are way out of line.

9:20 [snorts] Oh, I'm out of line?

9:21 Yeah.

9:22 You're out of line.

9:23 Well, what are you going to do about it?

9:29 [cheering] [laughter] I like Green Lantern.

9:32 I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.

9:37 Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.

9:40 Golden Age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.

9:43 Great, so I can take them both out with a NUMBER TWO PENCIL?

9:51 OH MY GOD, GIRL FIGHT!

9:56 WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

9:57 I DON'T KNOW, YOU YOU'RE stupid enough to break it up.

10:02 This is ridiculous.

10:03 You know, I'm going to go talk to the maître d'.

10:05 What are you going to say?

10:06 I don't know.

10:07 I'm I'm going to flirt with him.

10:09 I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.

10:11 I'm still sleeping with you tonight.

10:13 See if you can get a table by the window.

10:18 [laughter] Hi there.

10:21 What's your name?

10:22 Glenn.

10:22 Oh, boy, it is crazy in here tonight, huh, Glenn?

10:26 Well, you know, Valentine's Day.

10:28 Yes, bet your girlfriend is super bummed you had to work tonight.

10:32 Anyway, look, we have been waiting a while and I just think

10:36 due respect, ma'am, there's nothing I can do.

10:40 You don't have to call me ma'am.

10:42 Okay.

10:43 I mean, we're basically the same age.

10:45 Okay.

10:51 [laughter] How old are you?

10:53 I'm 21.

10:53 How old are you?

10:56 Just shut up, Glenn.

10:58 Mike, get out of here.

10:59 What?

11:00 Why?

11:00 Because I'm young.

11:01 Let's go.

11:02 We're not playing some dumb made up game.

11:04 Well, all games are made up.

11:06 They're not found in nature.

11:07 You know, is digging the ground,

11:09 come across a rich vein of Rock'em Sock'em Robots?

11:13 [laughter] Just pick another game.

11:15 Why don't we do something athletic,

11:16 like go over to the university pool and play water polo?

11:19 No good.

11:20 Sheldon doesn't float.

11:22 That is true.

11:23 I have a higher than normal body density.

11:26 If I run too deep a bath, I drown.

11:29 [snorts]

11:31 READY, SET, WRESTLE.

11:35 1 2 3 PIN.

11:37 [laughter] STOP THAT.

11:42 AMY, DO SOMETHING.

11:44 [laughter] AMY, HELP.

11:46 AMY, stop that.

11:48 Amy, can you help me?

11:49 New contest.

11:50 What are you doing?

11:51 I am settling once and for all who is the smartest around here.

11:56 Okay?

11:57 Are you ready?

11:58 Absolutely.

11:58 Bring it on.

12:00 Marsha, Jan, and Cindy were the three daughters in what TV family?

12:08 The Brady Bunch.

12:10 Okay.

12:12 Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?

12:21 [laughter] The Brady Bunch?

12:25 Van Halen.

12:27 All right.

12:27 Madonna was married to this Richmond High alum.

12:32 Oh my god, Sean Penn.

12:35 How do you know these things?

12:38 I go outside and I TALK TO PEOPLE.

12:42 OKAY, HERE.

12:43 WHAT ACTOR HOLDS THE record for being named People magazine's sexiest man alive?

12:48 William Shatner.

12:50 [laughter] I don't think it's Shatner.

12:54 Then it's got to be Patrick Stewart.

13:01 [laughter]

13:00 No.

13:00 Formal protest.

13:04 All right.

13:04 Singer who sang Oops, I Did It Again?

13:10 [laughter] Maybe sometimes you try too hard.

13:15 Look at me.

13:17 What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?

13:22 Well, you'd have a terrific chance.

13:25 I I you're smart, you're funny, you have a cool job,

13:28 you build stuff that goes into outer space.

13:30 I guess.

13:31 No, look, I'm telling you, I've known you for like a year and a half and this is

13:34 the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person.

13:38 And you know what?

13:39 I like him.

13:41 He's a nice guy.

13:43 You really think so?

13:45 Yes.

13:47 I don't know.

13:49 No, I do.

13:52 [laughter] [laughter] Amy and I have been living together,

14:06 we've been bickering like my parents used to.

14:09 And you're afraid you're going to do something like your dad did.

14:12 Yes.

14:13 I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.

14:18 Down the road?

14:18 Sheldon, she wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you and now

14:21 you're at an ice cream parlor trying to pick up women.

14:26 Well, anything can sound silly when you put it in that tone.

14:29 Honey, instead of worrying about pain you may cause in the future,

14:32 how about trying to fix the pain you're causing her right now?

14:38 [snorts]

14:37 I'm sure you're right.

14:40 I suppose I should apologize to you as well.

14:43 Okay.

14:44 That must have hurt watching me look

14:46 for other women without ever even considering you.

14:54 Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.

15:00 [laughter]

15:02 Let's finish your ice cream so I can get you home to bed.

15:06 Ever since Amy started working with Howard, she hasn't been home.

15:09 Didn't that just start this morning?

15:12 And has she been home?

15:15 You know, that would frustrate me.

15:18 Does it frustrate you?

15:20 It does.

15:21 I get that.

15:22 You know, it's okay to feel frustrated when things aren't going your way.

15:27 I suppose.

15:28 Maybe it's not that big a deal.

15:30 No, no, no.

15:30 Your feelings are valid.

15:32 Now, why don't you go wash up and we'll call you when dinner's ready.

15:41 Okay.

15:45 What did you do?

15:46 Are you a witch?

15:48 I've been reading "Parenting Book".

15:50 It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test.

15:55 That's amazing.

15:56 but you know, it's only birth to five.

15:58 What do we do when he turns six?

16:02 Take him to the zoo and leave him there.

16:05 How are we going to play this when they return?

16:08 I know, you guys should totally be making out with me.

16:13 Sweetie, I know you think jokes like that are funny,

16:16 but do you really think you could handle making out with both of us?

16:21 No, ma'am.

16:24 [laughter]

16:26 Okay.

16:26 Okay, how about this?

16:27 They don't know you're here with us.

16:28 So, you hide in the closet.

16:30 When they show up, we'll hear whatever

16:31 their dumb story is about where they were, we'll pretend to believe them,

16:34 and just when they think they got away with it, you jump out.

16:37 Yeah, that's pretty good.

16:37 I love it.

16:39 I'll be all like, "Busted!" And they'll be like,

16:42 "What?" And then we'll all be like, "OH, YEAH!" [laughter]

16:47 YEAH, I I GET IT.

16:48 I WOULDN'T MAKE OUT with me, either.

16:53 Okay.

16:53 Here they come.

16:54 Go hide.

16:55 Oh, man, when I come out of the closet, I'm going to NAIL THOSE GUYS.

17:03 [cheering] YEAH, I HEARD IT.

17:03 SHUT UP.

17:10 [laughter] [laughter] [laughter] [laughter]

17:51 [laughter] [screaming] [cheering and applause] You hurt me.

18:08 I'M BLEEDING.

18:12 [cheering] WHAT WAS THAT?

18:13 Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.

18:17 That's my girl.

18:20 You really don't trust me?

18:21 You had have Amy stop by?

18:22 I trust you.

18:24 Yeah, you were a terrible waitress and we still asked you to get us a snack.

18:31 Excuse me, while I go take care of your baby,

18:33 then I'll bring you your snack and you can insult me some more.

18:38 I don't know about you, but I am not eating whatever she brings us.

18:44 Hey Amy, oh, it's okay.

18:46 Auntie Penny's here.

18:48 Shh.

18:48 Let's get you changed.

18:50 Your mommy and daddy say they trust me,

18:51 but they're full of the same stuff your diaper is.

18:56 Now I feel bad.

18:58 Well, she never really liked me.

19:00 It's kind of nice she hates you now, too.

19:03 Oh, but I'm here for you and I would never let

19:05 anything happen to you because your Auntie Penny loves you so much.

19:10 Mama.

19:14 [cheering] [laughter] Was that her first word?

19:20 Mama.

19:23 No, no, baby.

19:24 I'm not your mama.

19:25 Your mama is the nice lady we're going to go

19:27 see right now so I can rub this in her face.

19:32 Do you hear that, suckers?

19:33 She called me mama.

19:35 I'd like to have a conversation about girls.

19:40 Had a feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later.

19:44 Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?

19:48 Honey, please.

19:49 I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma.

19:52 And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19.

20:03 You could have a Long Island Iced Tea.

20:09 Would that calm my nerves?

20:13 It's calmed the pants off me a couple times.

20:17 Sold.

20:20 [laughter] So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble?

20:24 The trouble isn't with me, Penny.

20:26 It's with your gender.

20:27 And someday scientists will discover a second

20:29 X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.

20:34 Yeah, Amy told me what happened.

20:36 Look, just apologize.

20:37 It'll warm her twaddle.

20:40 It's a band-aided bath.

20:42 See, yeah, the core problem is that Amy and Will do not like each other.

20:46 Yeah, which is baffling because they're both crazy about me.

20:51 Hey, you can't make people like each other.

20:54 Not true.

20:55 Leonard made me like you.

20:57 Let me tell you that was a hard road to hoe.

21:01 Cheers, pal.

21:04 Ooh.

21:07 Well, that is a that's hard to beat.

21:11 Get the Mad Hatter on the horn.

21:12 I'm having a tea party.

21:20 [cheering]

21:20 You might want to pace yourself.

21:23 I drink tea all the time.

21:24 I think I know what I'm doing.

21:27 Hard be it for me to criticize a man with a full pubis.

21:33 Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Will Wheaton, okay?

21:35 Your problem is the way you treated Amy.

21:37 Problem is I'm out of tea.

21:41 Come on, someone insulted your girlfriend, you just let him do it?

21:44 Thought you Texas guys stood up for your woman folk.

21:47 No, Penny, please.

21:49 Think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing.

21:53 Sorry.

21:54 On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.

22:01 Welcome to Long Island, Tex.

22:05 Amy deserves better.

22:07 You know, when we buy the Planters Deluxe mix,

22:09 she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them.

22:14 She's a unique blend of saint and squirrel.

22:18 Yep, that she is.

22:19 Here you go.

22:20 I'm a callous egomaniac.

22:22 She's going to leave me.

22:24 No, she won't.

22:25 No, she won't.

22:26 I'm great.

22:32 Where's your heart rate monitor?

22:33 I don't have one.

22:34 What about your pedometer?

22:35 Don't have one.

22:36 Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?

22:38 Uh, no.

22:39 What what what do you do?

22:40 You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny?

22:44 No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.

22:51 [cheering] [laughter] Why are you doing that?

22:53 Uh, it's good to stretch your muscles before you run.

22:56 All right.

22:56 All right, let's uh start with a toe touch.

23:06 Okay, you do it.

23:08 I am doing it.

23:11 Oh, wow.

23:12 Good job.

23:13 Okay, um can you do this?

23:18 We'll never know.

23:20 Okay, let's just uh warm up on the run.

23:23 Okay.

23:22 Okay, let's go.

23:23 Yeah, I've been reading up on biomechanics.

23:26 I think you'll be surprised if I DO A AH [screaming] OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?

23:32 I THINK SO.

23:33 OH, let me help you up.

23:35 THANK YOU.

23:38 OH, SHELDON!

23:41 [laughter] IF it makes you feel any better,

23:42 Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.

23:55 [music]