Trump Had NO IDEA Melania Was Making an Epstein Statement & He's Back to Making Threats to Iran

0:00 I'm really honored.

0:01 Thanks for watching.

0:04 [cheering]

0:03 Thanks for COMING AND JOINING US AT OUR OUR HEADQUARTERS here in Hollywood.

0:07 Please relax.

0:08 It was [cheering] a It was a beautiful day.

0:10 It's a beautiful night.

0:11 It's funny, you know,

0:12 as connected as we all are now with the the internet and uh Etsy and whatnot,

0:17 and we really don't know what's going on in other parts of the world.

0:20 For instance, any of you ever been to the Strait of Hormuz?

0:25 [laughter] You should check it out.

0:25 You'll love it.

0:25 We used to summer there when I was a boy,

0:27 but um this war we are in, for reasons known only to Donald Trump,

0:33 hinges now on Iran reopening the Strait of Hormuz,

0:37 which for the record was open before he started this.

0:40 And now either is open or is not open.

0:44 We don't know.

0:45 We agreed to a ceasefire if and only if they reopen the strait.

0:50 Uh it appeared to be open briefly,

0:51 but then Iran closed it cuz Israel kept attacking Lebanon,

0:55 and now even though it is allegedly open, there are no ships going through it.

0:59 Basically, after all this, he got us constipation.

1:02 And only a handful of ships have been allowed to pass through the strait.

1:06 Yesterday, Trump floated the idea of a grand reopening

1:09 {slash} joint business venture with the people he's bombing,

1:13 where we would split the fees for the ships that went through.

1:16 He wanted to partner with Iran, which makes no sense.

1:19 None of it makes Are you following any of this, Guillermo?

1:22 Not at all.

1:24 Okay.

1:24 I'm lost.

1:25 But here's what Trump's going to do.

1:26 No matter if the strait is open or not, he'll just say it's open.

1:28 It's open.

1:29 Same way he did with the riots in LA that never happened

1:32 or the imaginary water valve he opened to put out the fires.

1:36 He'll just He'll put it on his vision board and will it to be true.

1:41 So, Dr.

1:42 Demento was back at it with the uh threats again on social media last night.

1:46 He wrote, "All US ships, aircraft,

1:48 and military personnel will remain in place in and around Iran

1:52 until such time as the real agreement reached is fully complied with.

1:56 If for any reason it is not, which is highly unlikely, then the shooting starts.

2:03 [laughter]

2:03 Now, he's a sheriff from the Old West.

2:05 The the stagecoach leaving at dawn, and if not, the shooting starts.

2:09 In the meantime, our great military is loading up and resting,

2:13 look looking forward actually to its next conquest.

2:18 It's next conquest.

2:21 [laughter] We're doing this again?

2:22 I He talks about war like he's bragging about women with Billy Bush.

2:26 This is not something we're And in case you're wondering, uh America is back.

2:30 That's right.

2:31 Just like the McRib, and available for a limited time.

2:35 So, um what he's saying is we've won the war, we achieved all our objectives,

2:39 but we're still going to send a team to negotiate those objectives,

2:42 and the strait is open, but also closed.

2:45 It's like having a a Magic Eight Ball as president of the United States.

2:51 [laughter] Will we annihilate a civilization?

2:53 Ask again later.

2:54 And also, it's not a war, it's an operation.

2:58 It's not just an operation, it's Operation Epic Fury,

3:02 which should definitely they should change that.

3:04 They should drop the RY and just make it Operation FU,

3:07 because that's what it is.

3:09 Formal peace talks are [applause] expected to begin on Saturday in Pakistan.

3:16 The United States will be represented in these talks by J.D.

3:19 Vance, Steve Witkoff, and Jared Kushner.

3:22 Trump sent Jared so he could have some alone time with Ivanka over the weekend.

3:27 But the reason Trump sent his son-in-law,

3:29 it who has no official position in our government,

3:32 is because he was the guy in charge of brokering

3:34 peace between Israel and Palestine a few years back, and that turned out great.

3:40 Trump is funny because he keeps claiming we won this easily.

3:43 We won it, but he's furious with our allies

3:45 in NATO for not jumping in to help open the strait.

3:48 He had a a 2-hour a with the head of NATO yesterday

3:51 that did not go well according to the people who were in the meeting.

3:54 They said it was nothing but a tirade of insults.

3:57 And the Prime Minister of Spain, Pedro Sanchez, this is this guy's had enough.

4:02 After the ceasefire agreement, he said,

4:05 "The government of Spain will not applaud those who

4:08 set the world on fire just because they show

4:10 up with a bucket." Which is [laughter] That is

4:13 not going to go over not too bueno with [applause]

4:18 But it's hard for Trump to retaliate against Spain because the only oil

4:21 he can take from them is those little tins of anchovies, you know?

4:25 So, this war has not done much for Trump's approval rating.

4:29 According to the Economist, his popularity is somewhere between Bill Cosby

4:34 and strangers clipping their toenails in public right now.

4:37 Only 37% approve of Trump, 56% disapprove, 7% are not sure.

4:43 I don't know who those people are, but they need to get their acts together.

4:47 And you know, you want to know where Trump's most unpopular?

4:50 In the very place where he lives, Washington, D.C.

4:53 His net approval rating is -80.

4:57 The closer you get to him, the lower it goes.

5:00 It's Like in his bedroom, [applause] zero.

5:04 He is at a zero approval rating.

5:08 Speaking of his bedroom,

5:10 uh there was a big surprise from the White House today, even to Donald Trump.

5:13 Melania emerged from the rubble of the East Wing.

5:16 She brushed the drywall off her business

5:19 suit and delivered a doozy of a prepared

5:22 statement demanding that we stop talking

5:24 about something no one was talking about.

5:32 Good afternoon.

5:35 The lies linking me with the disgraceful Jeffrey Epstein need to end today.

5:42 Okay, how about tomorrow?

5:43 Because [laughter] I just I'm just now hearing about these lies.

5:47 I Could you give [applause and cheering] me a an attorney

5:51 to catch up to You know somewhere in the White House,

5:54 Trump, he saw this happening.

5:55 He spit out a whole gallon of diet Coke

5:57 and This This is already better than her movie.

6:01 Go on, please.

6:03 I never been friends with Epstein.

6:07 Donald and I were invited to the same parties as Epstein from time to time.

6:15 Since overlapping in social circles is common in New York City and Palm Beach.

6:25 [laughter]

6:25 And everywhere.

6:27 I love how she keeps calling him Epstein like it's an episode of Welcome Back,

6:30 Kotter or something.

6:31 And why is this happening today?

6:33 He spent the past 6 weeks trying

6:35 to bomb this Epstein story out of the headlines.

6:39 2 days after the ceasefire, she puts it right back on top.

6:45 [laughter] She must really hate him.

6:46 I don't know how else to explain it.

6:51 [applause] So then a reporter gets hold of Trump, calls his phone.

6:53 He says, "I didn't know anything about this statement Melania made." He

6:56 didn't know she was going to do it before she did it,

6:59 which shows you just how smoothly things are running over there.

7:01 For whatever reason, she didn't ask.

7:03 She didn't get my heads-up.

7:04 She just went right out in front of the cameras and fired away.

7:09 I am not Epstein's victim.

7:12 I am my husband's victim.

7:14 Epstein did not introduce me to Donald Trump.

7:19 I met my husband by chance at a New York City party in 1998.

7:26 This initial encounter with my husband is

7:29 documented in a detail in my book, Melania.

7:35 Only a member of the Trump family could turn a defiant

7:38 speech about a pedophile into a plug for her book.

7:42 This was a 5 and 1/2 minute speech.

7:46 Uh she been demanded that Congress let the victims testify under oath,

7:50 which is something Donald most definitely does not want to happen,

7:53 and she pushed back against what she says are false

7:56 stories and photos about her and her husband's BF Jeff.

8:01 Numerous fake images and statements about Epstein and me

8:08 have been calculating on social media for years now.

8:15 Be cautious about what you believe.

8:19 These images and stories are completely false.

8:23 This is the same speech he gave her after Stormy Daniels.

8:25 She just regurgitated it.

8:28 But but [applause]

8:31 the bigger question is, what images have been calculating around social media?

8:35 What is she talking about?

8:37 Uh and I haven't seen any images.

8:39 And by the way, while you're explaining how much you didn't know Epstein,

8:42 uh any particular reason you can think of that he

8:44 had a picture you guys on display uh at his house?

8:49 Maybe this is the photo that came with the frame.

8:51 I don't know.

8:54 [laughter] I know that I, for one, when I see this, I think,

8:55 well, these two don't know each other at all.

8:59 [laughter]

8:59 In this photo from which Ghislaine Maxwell was cropped out.

9:03 This is quite a plot twist, right?

9:06 I mean, Melania says uh she didn't know Epstein, she never flew on his jet,

9:11 but now she doesn't need to fly on his jet because,

9:13 you know that $70 million private plane Kristi Noem bought with taxpayer

9:17 money to fly herself around the country while she was running the DHS.

9:20 Well, the White House is planning to now keep

9:22 that on property to be used by cabinet officials and Melania.

9:27 The plane has a queen bed, a kitchenette,

9:30 several flat-screen TVs, and cream-colored leather seats.

9:34 J.D.

9:34 Vance just got a chubby when he heard this.

9:39 The cream [applause] cream color?

9:42 This though would This would make Donald and Melania the first

9:45 first couple in American history to have separate bedrooms and separate planes.

9:50 So, congratulations to them.

9:51 Meanwhile, poor Kristi Noem is back to flying Spirit Airlines.

9:56 [laughter] And speaking of flying, there is a uh I don't know if you

9:58 know about this, but it's not getting much attention,

10:00 but there's a congressman from Tennessee named

10:02 Tim Burchett who's been making the rounds saying

10:05 he has seen and heard definitive proof

10:08 of alien life on Earth and that the facts, if we knew them, would set the planet

10:13 on fire and cause the country to come unglued.

10:16 And while you might think that revelation

10:18 would be compelling enough in and of itself,

10:20 the right-wing cable-verse has already passed the idea of whether or not

10:23 aliens are among us and on to whether male extraterrestrials are manly enough.

10:29 Whether you believe in them or not,

10:30 everybody has heard about beings from another planet

10:33 and the descriptions are almost always the same.

10:37 They're smaller, big eyes, big heads, weak,

10:40 stringy little arms, pale, no gender, and usually they're feminine.

10:46 And they always look the same.

10:47 You never have seen an alien peeing standing up

10:50 in a movie or like yucking it up with his alien buddies.

10:53 That's never happened.

10:55 And for some reason, the lines between gender are always blurred with aliens,

11:00 which I think is very odd.

11:05 [laughter] WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO GET to the bottom of this.

11:07 We have to shoot Rob Fenerty into space to find out.

11:10 That is quite a take.

11:12 I mean, he's never seen an alien pee standing up in a movie?

11:18 My god, man.

11:18 What kind of weird sexual fetish videos are you looking for?

11:23 The phrase no man left behind is somehow controversial.

11:27 It should be no person or no woman, not no man.

11:31 And that we shouldn't say that anymore according to Lawrence O'Donnell.

11:35 As the feminization of our culture and the lines between

11:38 gender continue to blur and they're doing this on purpose

11:41 and we're starting to look more and more like

11:44 those pictures of aliens that we've all seen before.

11:47 Think about it.

11:48 Weak, feminine, genderless,

11:50 little man running around ruining the country and again,

11:53 that is just the way the left wants it.

11:55 This is the perfect male Democrat.

12:01 That's a perfect male Democrat?

12:03 I don't know.

12:03 It looks more like a perfect male Republican TO ME.

12:07 IF [applause and cheering] ANYWAY, THAT'S WHERE YOUR GRANDPA GETS HIS NEWS.

12:16 And one more thing before we bring out the famous people.

12:18 It is Thursday night and that means it's time

12:20 to bleep and blur the big TV moments of the week.

12:22 It is this week in unnecessary censorship.

12:29 [cheering] Good afternoon, everybody.

12:31 I want to start this afternoon by by thanking Pam.

12:36 Even though we'd lived on space station for collective two years,

12:40 we have seen in things that we have never before.

12:43 Epstein did not introduce me to Donald Trump.

12:48 I met my husband by chance [laughter] at the New York City party in 1998.

12:54 And then, we'll see you out here in Vegas for some sun and fun.

12:58 Later telling ABC's Rachel Scott in a phone interview

13:01 that if Iran does not reach a deal by Tuesday night,

13:04 then quote, we're up the whole country.

13:06 But they so fast and so hard and these guys knew exactly what to Let's go.

13:11 Come on.

13:12 Get in.

13:12 Let's go.

13:13 Pow.

13:14 They came one right after another, not at the same time.

13:17 They don't want to come at the same time.

13:19 They had to come right after each other.

13:20 They didn't have any room.

13:21 On other news, did you know that today is national tomato day?

13:25 Tomato day?

13:26 It's a day to appreciate the beauty of fresh tomatoes.

13:29 Henry Cavill, did we say happy national day?

13:32 No, I think just international beaver day was the only discussion that we had.

13:36 Like sometimes I have the sudden urge to off in a commercial break.

13:39 I mean Rob, you have four minutes.

13:41 You just I completely understand.

13:43 Yeah.

13:44 In fact, if you could prove there were a tooth fairy,

13:47 I would eat the WHOLE BUCKET OF ALL RIGHT,

13:53 WE GOT A GOOD SHOW TONIGHT FROM Euphoria mod apatow is here.

13:57 We have music from Gorillaz with Sparks

13:59 and we'll be right back with Carey Mulligan.